I’m raging

I am so mad right now! I’m absolutely fuming.

I was going home from my parents to my own house. My mom and aunt were both coming with me. So I rang my usual taxi base, and I asked them to send me out a minivan, since I had the dog, a load of bags, and there was the 3 of us as well.

First off, I had a 20 minute wait, which I wasn’t too fussed about, since we were getting a minivan, and I know there aren’t too many of those on the road on a sunday.

Eventually the minivan came. The driver was so rude. He wanted me to put Nitro in the boot of the van, on his own. I told him I didn’t think that was appropriate, that guide dogs aren’t meant to go in the boot, they are meant to either sit in the front with their owner, or else sit in the back on the back seat.

He was like, well, there is no room, I suppose he can sit in the back. But by then Nitro was very nerous and frightened, since he’d been trying to get him into the boot and Nitro was refusing to do what he said.

So I said fuck it, and I told him I’d leave it, that I wouldn’t be taking the taxi after all. By this time, I was close to tears. So then, I went back indoors to moms house and I rang the base, and I complained. The girl was not impressed with the way the driver treated us. She offered to get me another taxi, but I said it was fine, as I’d already called a different company.

So I did eventually get home, and I’m not the better of it. Taxi’s have gone so bad lately, all moaning and complaining about having to take the dog, they either complain about his size, or the hair, or something else. Its actually against the law for them not to take him, so they don’t actually ever refuse directly, but they do make it known that they aren’t happy about him being in their cars.

It really gets to me. I am really upset now because of what happened.

Just feel so depressed

I woke up at six, despite going to bed after 2 AM. I just wasnt able to sleep any longer so got up. I am feeling very off today. Not doing well at all. I’ve decided not to go volunteering. I just dont feel up to it. I wouldnt be any use to anyone. I am feeling too depressed. I also feel fragile and I think hearing about others problems would only set me off further. So I wont go. I will ring my supervisor when she gets into work and let her know. I made myself make some breakfast. I really didnt feel up to eating or making food, but I pushed myself to do it. Its not even 8 AM here yet. I think its going to be a long day. Also the weather is crap outside. Its very windy and threatening to rain. I just let nitro out and fed him so at least I managed to see to his needs. He is important to me so I am glad I was able to see to him. My friend texted me during the night. She was worried as she texted me yesterday after my therapy session and I didnt reply to her. Truth is I was too tired to talk then. I probably should have replied to just let her know I was ok. She worries for us at this time of year because she knows its hard for us. I replied this morning. I apologised for not replying to her message sooner. I need to shower but I just dont feel like it. I know thats gross. I probably will, I just have to muster up the energy. I feel too lethargic and too depressed. Im not sure where the depression is coming from. Other than the time of year but not sure what else is causing it. All I know is I feel so awful. Feel really low and like I couldnt be bothered like I dont care about anything. Ug I hope this doesnt last for too long. Its exhausting.
carol anne

Virus-free. www.avg.com

FUCKIN HELL

WELL THERE GOES ANOTHER PEACEFUL NIGHT.
DAD GOT ANGRY AND THEN HE WENT OFF TO BED LEAVING MY MOM SITTING ON HER OWN WATCHING TV.
WHY DO WE DO IT? PUT OURSELVES IN THIS SITUATION?
THE SITUATION OF BEING TRIGGERED BY HIS ARGUING AND MOOD SWINGS?
ALL THIS BECAUSE I WAS MAKING TEA, AND HE DIDNT WANT ME TO DO IT, HE WANTED MY MOM TO MAKE IT FOR ME, SHE TOLD HIM I COULD DO IT MYSELF, AND THEN HE WENT OFF ON ONE BECAUSE HE SAID I’D LEAVE THE KITCHEN IN A MESS.
FFS! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!
OK SO HES BEEN DRINKING, AND IS A LITTLE DRUNK, BUT SO WHAT IF I’D HAVE LEFT THE KITCHEN IN A BIT OF A MESS, WE’D HAVE TAKEN CARE OF IT IN THE MORNING.
TALK ABOUT OCD TRAITS!
EVERYTHING HAS TO BE JUST SO OR ELSE!
I FEEL SORRY FOR MY MOM, SHE HAS TO LIVE WITH THIS ON A CONSTANT BASIS, ON A DAILY BASIS EVEN.
LIZ

Virus-free. www.avg.com

Cancelled lunch plans

So I just got a notification that my former PA cancelled our lunch date today. I am a bit annoyed to be honest. This is the second time she has cancelled it. She said something came up, and maybe it did. But I would’ve liked more than three hours notice. If it was me I would’ve given as much notice as I could. So I guess I’m just going to chill out for the day. I don’t have too much to do. I need to pack but that’s about all I have to do. So will probably read do email catch up on blogs and relax for the rest of the day. I hate it when plans go pear-shaped. Do others feel the same way? Does it bother you when you have something planned and the other person back so is not once but twice is on me but does it bother you when they back out at the last minutes?

I WAS SO TRIGGERED, I JUST NEEDED A RESPONSE FROM MY THERAPIST

HI, ITS LIZ. YESTERDAY I WAS VERY TRIGGERED. I TRIED ALL DAY BUT THE FEELINGS WERE LINGERING. I DIDNT KNOW WHAT WOULD LESSEN THEM. IN THE END I TEXTED MY THERAPIST. THIS IS WHAT I SAID. EILEEN, I FEEL OVERWHELMED, I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO, I CANT PUT WORDS ON IT, I JUST FEEL INCREDIBLY SAD, I’VE TRIED EVERYTHING BUT NOTHING IS WORKING, I REALLY NEED TO TALK TO YOU, CONNECT WITH YOU, LIZ. THAT WAS AT 5 PM. I HEARD NOTHING AND SO I LAY DOWN AND TRIED TO SLEEP. I KEPT MY PHONE NEXT TO ME JUST IN CASE SHE RESP9ONDED, I WAS HOPING SHE WOULD. THEN AT 8:30 A TEXT CAME IN FROM HER. IT READ, HI LIZZ, SORRY I COULDNT RESPOND EARLIER, HOW ARE YOU DOING NOW? INSTANTLY I FELT A LITTLE BIT BETTER. SHE HAD RESPONDED AFTER ALL. I TEXTED BACK AND TOLD HER THINGS HAD CALMED A LITTLE AND THAT I WAS OK AND WAS RESTING NOW BECAUSE OF LACK OF SLEEP THE PREVIOUS NIGHT. SHE TEXTED ME BACK AND TOLD ME TO HAVE A GOOD REST AND TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I WISH WE COULD HAVE TEXTED MORE. BUT I AM HAPPY SHE RESPONDED AT TO ME LEAST. THAT VULNERABLE PART OF ME FELT HEARD, VALIDATED, AND THE TRIGGERED FEELINGS DISAPATED.
LIZ

Wishing…

I wish I didnt feel so alone. Granted its the middle of the night and most people are in bed. If anyones up I could use some support. Feeling overwhelmed and triggered. Trying to sit here and drink my coffee and not think too much about stuff. This month just sucks. I hate being a SRa survivor. Certain dates and months really trigger me to no end. I wish I was able to call my therapist, she always helps when I am like this. If anyones up I’d welcome a chat.