So I saw Dr. Barry yesterday. We had a really great appointment. I hadnt talked to her in six weeks! I didnt realise it had been that long since I was out during our appointments! I mean not out in the body, but out in the appointment with dr. barry!
We talked about how dissociative we’ve been lately. How we’ve been really switchy and very off. Very very dissociative during the day and at night, and its actually getting to a point where it feels unmanageable and unsafe to me.
Dr. Barry was wondering what has us so off? She wondered if it was the recent contact from our abuser, I said I wasnt sure if that was why we were so dissociative, but I told her how We’ve been unable to stay grounded and in the present lately, and we’ve been working in therapy with Eileen on keeping the adult alters in the present.
That hasnt been going well for us. The adults in our system arent really able to stay focused enough to be out for long periods and stay out in the body when we’re at home. Its tough because most of the time I dont know what we’ve been doing and most of the day when I am unable to be out I dont know what has been going on when I am not out!
So Dr. barry said she wanted to try upping our clonadine, to deal with our anxiety, because she said if we get our anxiety levels down, the dissociative stuff may lessen. But she didnt up it this week. She wants to do some more reading up on the med and its uses, especially its uses in treating ptsd. She also wanted to look through our chart and see what other meds she’d thought of trying because she said we do have options and we should look into all of them before adjusting the medication.
So thats what we’re going to try, and in the meantime she told me to keep taking the fenergan for sleep because I told her we arent sleeping too good still. She said keep using all of our coping techniques that Eileen has taught us, and she encouraged us to use our blog to get support. She knows how much our blog means to us and how supportive all of our readers are and how helpful we find that in our healing.
I’ve been feeling a lot less anxious since I started clonadine. It has been very helpful. I’m so glad it seems to be working for me. I still have some anxiety, but its not nearly as bad as it has been.
It feels so good to just be able to say that. Perhaps we really have found a good solution, and a med that actually combats it. I really hope it continues to work for me, otherwise I might have to restart the lyrica. I dont want to have to take it because it causes weight gain. So if the clonadine works well, then that is a much better option for me.
For now its working well, and I’m very glad it is!
We’re just home from the vets appointment, nitro was a really good boy. He hated it there though and couldnt wait to get out the door! As I brought him in when the vet called us he ran towards the front entrance, it was very funny, also, before we went in when we were sitting in the waiting area he got all panicky and started pawing at me and then trying to jump up on my PA’s shoulders, well he was trying to put his two paws up on her shoulders.
The vet did give me a lecture about his weight. She said he needs to lose some. He hadnt lost anything since he’s been there 3 weeks ago. He’s still 40 KG which is about 84 pounds, which is waaaay too much as he should be only weighing about 72 pounds.
She gave me more eardrops for him, she said his ears do look cleaner but they are still a little mucky especially the left ear, so she told me to use them for another two weeks, and she also told me to also clean his ears twice a week. She also gave me flea and worming treatment for him.
Overall it was a good visit, minus that lecture I got. I had to come home and phone my dad, and explain to him that he needs to just cut out giving Nitro treats completely, as the vet said if Nitro doesnt lose some weight he’ll get slower faster, and his legs will stiffen up and he’ll go lame, and be unable to move around. I dont want that for him so I need to get the weight under control.
We have to go back in a month to check his ears again and also to check to see if he’s losing any weight. I hope by then he will have lost something.
Create an emergency playlist for times when you need love and comfort.
So, I love music. Music is so healing. It speaks to me. So many songs move me, speak to how I feel. I play music almost every day.
I have spotify, and alexa, and I use both on a regular basis, I also have apple music, which I use on my I phone.
I like to make playlists. I make themed playlists, its so much fun picking out songs to put on them.
My 5 main go to playlists are:
Broadway tunes and show tunes
Songs to play to make me happy
I have others too, but those are my main five.
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I have a confession. I’ve been really bad about taking our meds. I haven’t taken them consistently lately. I need to try to change it. Its not that I don’t want to take them, I do. Its that dissociation makes it really hard as we keep forgetting to take them. We’ll be really great at taking them for a few weeks, then we just start forgetting again. I’ve tried lots of strategies to remind myself. I’ve put reminders in my phone. I’ve put the tablets in a place where I will see them. I’ve used an app to help me remember. But still we keep forgetting. I am going to start fresh tonight. Go in a few minutes while I’m thinking about it and take the meds. Has anyone got any good suggestions for me of a way to try to remind me to take them? Does anyone else have trouble remembering medication? If so what has worked for you? Maybe it would work for me too? I am really at a loss as to what I can do! I want to comply with my treatment, I want to feel better. I’ve just realised that the fact I am not consistently taking my meds is probably adding to our depression and low mood! The prazosin helps with nightmares, and we’ve had way more of them lately since not taking that consistently. So any help or advice you guys can offer is appreciated!
we saw dr. barry today. it had been a whole month since we’d seen her! i cant believe we went 1 month without an appointment! we did have one on the 13th, but we were in the UK then, so we had to miss it.
it was a relief to be seeing her again! i missed her so much! we all did!
i filled her in on how we are doing, i told her about the depression being bad lately, and the dissociation and ptsd symptoms ramping up a lot lately.
she was very understanding. she said we’d keep an eye on things.
we got to talking about hospitalisation, and i asked her to check how long it has been since we’ve been in the psych ward! she checked, and its coming up on our 2 year anniversary of not being in there! so no admissions in the last two years! the last one was in 2017. we were admitted on the week of our birthday that year.
dr. barry couldnt believe it! she said she’d known it was a while, but she didnt realise it had been so long since we were in there!
i cant quite believe it either! when i think of it in those terms, we’ve definitely made a lot of progress in the last 2 years.
we talked about our meds, and dr. barry said thats another area where we’ve made great strides. she said now we arent on too many meds at all, where as going back a few years we were on a lot. we still struggle sometimes with taking them consistently, but overall we’re doing much better with that too.
we talked about starting the trevicta, which is the 3 monthly shot we’re on, and she said looking back, that us having that assessment in 2014 in the locked unit was the best thing that happened for us, as that is when they changed us to the shot, and since then we’ve thrived.
so it was a good apt. i was so happy with how it went. i came out of there feeling great! we made another apt for 2 weeks time. so even though we’re struggling a lot with some symptoms right now, in some ways we’re also doing really well, at least thats my opinion on the matter anyway.
Eileen just emailed us. She said she recieved a phone call from the person in charge in the organisation towards healing, that funds our therapy, to check in around how we were doing, and whether remy had done a review. He said last year that he’d do one in a years time.
Eileen wanted to know if I wanted her to email the questionaire to me, or did I want to fill it in next week during our session. I told her I’d prefer to fill it in with her, so that if I need help she can give me help with it.
Now I am nervous. I am wondering how we’ll do on it. And where we are now with our symptoms etc.
I guess we’ll know more next week. I have a feeling we’re going to be in a similar place to last time we filled it in. No drastic or big changes I’d say and its possible our symptoms have even worsened since then.