So when I opened my email today I got a nice surprise!
Eileen had responded to my email where I told her I got a place on the mental health in the community college course!
I was so thrilled to get a response as I didnt think she would!
She said she was delighted to hear that we’d gotten a place, and that it was really exciting news.
She also said it was great to see Emily enjoying doing 12 year old stuff and just being a kid!
I love her for responding! She always knows when to respond! I had almost forgot I’d sent her the email about it! I sent it after I got the good news on Thursday evening, then I didnt think any more about it until just now.
My therapist truly is awesome!
I’m drowning in pain at the moment. It has come outa no where. I am trying to swim, but sinking fast.
therapy was good. intense. we did EMDR. That was good but man it was intense.
I got so much from it though. We worked on memory processing. Normally I’d rail against that but today I didn’t. Today I actually felt up to working through some memories. I felt like we could do that without actually drowning in grief and pain and trauma…
We also worked with our body. Noticing the feelings coming up. Noticing how our body felt when they came up. Just noticing…it was great. Normally I’m shit at noticing my body. I am so unaware of things and of how it feels. Not today though. Today I did good.
We worked on grounding techniques too. On coming into the here and now, coming into the present moment. Eileen worked with liz and Emily on this. And me too of course. But while she worked with us, she also invited other insiders to come into the conference room and watch what was happening, and feel it through us. We can do that. So that’s what we did. It was good.
All in all it was a great session. I’m tired now. I think a restful evening is in order. An evening where I can just chillax. Chill out. Don’t have to be anywhere or do anything either. And I don’t. My sister will drop me home in a little while, and I think I am going to just veg out this evening.
I need time to process. Time to reflect on todays session. We talked about our next couple of sessions today also. We’ll have one next Monday, and then the week of Halloween Monday is a bank holidays. We’re going to make up for it though and have our session on Thursday that week. Then the following week its back to Monday, and then Eileen is out on a training course on the 12th for a week.
She knew we’d be having a really hard time the week of Halloween, so she didn’t want us missing a session that week. I love that she’s so aware, so careful about us not having to miss any of our sessions. It really means so much to me that she is so aware of our needs.
its me Emily
im feeling a little better today
I had a good nights sleep
so now I feel a little bit brighter
im happy about that
I had a good chat to Eileen last night
she told me that I should let the adults look after me
that its ok to let go and be taken care of
that that’s what I need now
and its ok to need that
so im trying hard to just be
just be myself and let go of responsibilities
and let the adults do their job and take care of me
its not easy but im really trying
the first thing I did last night after me and eileen talked was went inside and rested
it felt so good
I felt peaceful and content
the suicidal thoughts have lifted a little
I still sometimes feel worthless
and like I shouldn’t be here
but its lessening
and im glad about that
I didn’t like feeling so bad all of the time
and I don’t like feeling bad about myself either
I just took a shower so now im feeling all fresh
and happy and I made tea as well
im going to just relax for the morning now I think
until our mom comes over later this afternoon
ITS LIZ. I EMAILED EILEEN THIS MORNING. I AM SO WORRIED ABOUT EMILY. I AM AFRAID FOR HER AFRAID SHE WILL TRY SOMETHING. SHE CAN BE QUITE IMPULSIVE. SO I EMAILED AND I ASKED EILEEN IF WE CAN HAVE A PHONE CHECK IN SOME TIME THIS WEEK IF THAT WAS OK WITH HER.
SHE JUST TEXTED ME A FEW MINUTES AGO TO SAY SHE’S AVAILABLE TONIGHT AT 6:30 IF I WANTED TO CALL HER THEN. SO WE’LL HAVE A CHECK IN CALL THEN WITH HER. HOPING THAT WILL HELP US.
I LOVE HOW SHE ALWAYS COMES THROUGH FOR US. SHE’S JUST AN AMAZING THERAPIST AND WE’RE SO SO LUCKY TO HAVE SOMEONE LIKE HER WHO MAKES TIME FOR US IN BETWEEN SESSIONS WHEN WE ARE STRUGGLING. THAT FACT DOES NOT GO UNNOTICED BY US.
SO I AM HOPEFUL THAT THE CHECK IN TONIGHT WILL DO SOME GOOD. ALONG WITH OUR EMAILS. OF WHICH THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT ALREADY. EILEENS OK WITH THAT THOUGH. SHE HAS SAID WE CAN EMAIL HER AS MUCH AS WE NEED TO. SHE KNOWS IT IS SOME INSIDERS ONLY WAY OF EXPRESSING HOW THEY FEEL.
its emily. i just got back from our apt with dr. barry. i got to talk to her today. that was nice. i really love talking to her.
i told her how difficult the last few days have been for me and my insiders. i told her about lisa, and how last week she’d been so suicidal and how eileen helped us through that.
we talked about symptoms and therapy in general. we also talked a little about our memories. and about how some insiders cant accept that people would love them and how they find it difficult to accept that they are more than their trauma.
Dr. Barry was very sympathetic. She said its difficult for the insiders. They have a lot to cope with every day. They go through a lot of ver conflicting feelings about so many things.
It was a good conversation. I felt that Dr. Barry really understood us. She does anyway, but today I just felt she was really getting it, really getting how hard things can be for us.
She said despite all that we’re doing amazingly well. She told me she’s proud of us for continuing to cope despite all the difficulties we are having.
I’m glad I got to talk to her today. It felt so good to just be able to tell her things. I felt understood and validated.
its me Emily. we had therapy this morning. I came out and talked a lot during our session. and Eileen teached me something. its an EMDR exercise. you see, I always sign my emails butterfly hugs, loves you, actually I sign everything I write in that way. its my trademark ha ha. so Eileen ask me if i’d like to learn something that I can use to calm myself. I said I would. so we learned all about the butterfly hug and you can give yourself a butterfly hug any time. its where you make the shape of a butterfly with your hands, and then you put your hands on your shoulders, well near them, not actually on them. and you tap with first one hand then the other, you do it as if you were using th e pulsers, except there is no vibrating. just tapping. and you tap and bring up feelings as you do it. so Eileen was asking me how I felt being there in her office. I was telling her I was feeling really safe, and glad to be there, glad to be with her. I told her I feel all warm inside, she asked me where, in what part of my body I felt it. I told her my chest and tummy areas mostly. so she had me bring those good feelings up as I tapped on my shoulders with my hands. and it calmed me, it really worked. I felt so so calm. it was like magic! I was so glad I learned it. and Eileen said isn’t it cool how I always sign my emails butterfly hugs and then there really is such a thing in EMDR. I think that’s so cool too. I never even knew that before I started signing that. The rest of the time we talked about my system. And my insiders. And about our week. It was nice. And I just felt really calm during all that. It felt so good. Im glad I talked today. I had a good time and the time went by way too quickly. We brought in our photo album of our trip to Disneyworld in florida with our partner Jess. That was back in 2008, we also went in 2009, but this photo album was from 2008. We didn’t have time to actually go through all of the photos so I left it with Eileen until next week, we are going to spend some time going through it then. I wanted Eileen to see how happy we were in Disneyworld, its a safe place for us, we always bring up images of that when we do visualisation. Its just somewhere where we felt peaceful and safe. I really enjoyed our session today. Some of my insiders did some work too today but I’ll let them write their own posts if they want to do that.
Emily, age 12