I had my apt with dr. barry yesterday morning. we discussed a ton of things. the system, shirley coming out last night and how confused she was. emily and her anxiousness and worry over eileen retiring, did i mention shes worrying about that now? she thinks somehow that eileen is about to retire. and leave us. dont know where that came from but she is really insecure and frightened. anyway dr. barry was great. she reassured us all like she always does. we talked about hospital and our familys reaction to us being in there. and dr. barry pointed out that i seemed angry about it and that she thinks my anger is misplaced, that I seem to be angry at the wrong people and for the wrong reasons, you see, we were talking about how i think my family dont get it, but how i dont have any choice, I have to get it, I cant say no I dont wanna deal with this mental shit illness today, or any day, its here, she said its not their fault for what happened to you in Dublin, i know that, but it hurts, i guess she’s right. i am angry but i’m really angry at the people who abused me, not my family its just its easier to be mad at them. but anyway. at the end of the appointment i thanked her for what she did for us last friday, when she held our hand, it was such a risk to just blurt it out to her, she thanked me for being honest. she said she knew i needed more than just words of reassurance then and that is why she chose to do what she did. i told her it really impacted us all and all of us felt the benefit of her touching our hand and holding it for that couple of seconds longer than usual. I said how I feel touch is so very important to us, good, safe touch. We dont see her again now for two weeks. She asked me how I was feeling about that, did I want to change it back to weekly, but I said no, I want to try stick this out, even though its super hard to not see her weekly, if I start going back now, we’ll be going backwards again, I want to try to build up the secure attachment to her, to know that when i go back in two weeks she’ll still be there, I dont need to worry, i want to prove to myself that I can do it, I can wait it out. I wont drown in the process…emotionally drown I mean.
i woke up at 4 30. i got up because i had to pee. one of the nurses was in our ward talking to a patient. she said she’d guide me out because our bathroom was locked, because its blocked the toilet in it i mean. there are bathrooms in each room here.
so anyway. she guided me across the hall to the next room and i used their bathroom. she is a nurse i dont particularly like. the reason i dont like her is because the last time i was in she was talking about me to anothe nurse, in earshot of me.
then also she is very false. fake. i hate that. she acts sweet to your face but behind all that she is very false.
so yeah i dont like her all that much.
anyway i’m back in bed now. cant go back to sleep. i started a new book. its called too young to be a mum and is by maggie hartley, its about a teenage mom who is in foster care, and maggie is fostering her. i’m on chapter four and so far its really good. its available on audible and in paperback and on kindle.
i’ll review it once i’m done reading it.
Trauma is personal. It does not disappear if it is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin.
― Danielle Bernock
dr. barry is such a sweet doctor. it was almost 8 pm. i thought she wasnt coming in like she promised to do. she had promised to come in to see me before she left today.
anyway. i figured she forgot. it was late. i figured she’d gone home.
but no. 8 pm and she arrives into the ward.
she sat with me and we talked for a few minutes. she said to me, you probably thought i forgot about you. i’m sorry. the day just ran away with me. it’ll be 9 before I am out of here.
is that a dedicated doctor or what?
but just before she left, she took my hand in hers. she squeezed it and said, take care, we’ll talk on wednesday, i kept my hand in hers for a few seconds, and she didnt pull away.
I love her so much. My heart feels so full of love for her right now.
so we just saw dr. barry. emily spoke to her. i was going to but then i felt too shy to put myself out there. so emily said she would talk to her.
so she clarified that we’re staying in hospital until Saturday. we will go home on saturday morning. she said she’d have our discharge papers done up tomorrow, and that the weekend team would be put in place for us on sunday and then we’ll be seeing her again next wednesday.
emily and dr. barry talked about our feelings of overwhelm, the anxiety we’ve been having, and dr. barry said she thinks Carol anne wont come back unless things in the system settle down. i think she is right about that.
she said she didnt want the admission to interfere with our therapy session on Monday, that is why she is letting us go home on saturday.
emily just texted eileen now just to let her know we’d make our session on monday, and to ask her if we can call her today at some point.
in other news, our blood sugar levels were really high this morning, they were 12.6, not sure what that converts to in american numbers, but thats pretty high, because a normal reading is between 6 and 8.
and we’ve felt nausious and weak all day. we’ve also had a headache, a really bad one.
and of course the anxiety is really bad, too.
anyway. life goes on. we’ll be ok. please guys, pray carol anne comes back soon. i’m finding it really difficult to be out for long periods, i know i can act like carol anne but i’m not her. and i think people can notice the difference.
our nurse for the day, her name is lauren, she’s really nice. she came into our apt with dr. barry with us. on our way back to the ward she was all like, oh i didnt know you like to be called by the names of the different personalities. it was very cute. emily and some of the kids really like her. they told her so too on our way to dr. barrys office. they were like, lauren, i really like you!
yes he did. no sleep. another night gone by. its now 6 AM. time to wake up. get up and start the day. only i never got to sleep. so yeah. i guess i’m starting day two of being up and awake. i got up at 6:30 yesterday, so i’ve almost been awake for 24 hours. i’m not tired, but well i’m sure as the day rolls on i’ll be exhausted. i have to go see dr. barry this morning. i have a taxi booked for 9 to take me there. i know i need to talk to her about my sleep. i also need to talk to her about the new insider that came, to help me run things, well i didnt know she was there at all until amy told me, i’ll call her s on here she doesnt feel comfortable saying her name yet. anyway. s came to run things when i was down the other day. she can front wheni cant. she takes care of things, runs our life. does the going on with day to day stuff when i am unable to do it. she can act like me, she can pull off being me so that our mom doesnt know i am not there. of course thats a whole other story, because our mom thinks she is talking to shirley when she really is talking to me carol anne. but s can act and speak like me. she is 23 and she is very wise and strong. and i want to thank her for coming on bord. the help is really appreciated. anyway. back to our dr. barry apt today. we need to discuss the emotional overwhelm and the amount of flashbacks we’ve been having since last week. that was when i was contacted by a past abuser. and he set a chain of triggers in motion. and ever since i’ve been struggling, going down sometimes, losing time for hours on end, and not knowing whats going on. so yeah. we have a lot to discuss. i hope dr. barry might have a couple of answers, or some suggestions. its always good to talk to her and get her opinion. she is very open and she listens really good. she’s just an all round awesome doctor. i’m so lucky to have her.
i am so sad. i really wish i can talk to our bio mom. but i cant. she wont talk to me. she talks to carol anne, but she think it shirley shes talkin to. it makes me so sad. i just wanna be seen. i just want to be able to say hi. maybe hug her. maybe ask her if she loves me. but i cant. my heart is hurting. carol anne says that shes here for us. but i want someone outside. like eileen or dr. barry. if our bio mom cant see me and doesnt want to talk to me, then i need a mommy like eileen or dr. barry. i think i need just one mommy tho not two. its confusing to have two people who act the same like two moms. it makes me confused. that did specialist he said dr. barry was like our dad, and eileen is like our mom. he said if our childhood had been perfect then thats what those two relationships would have been, a mom and a dad figure in our life. and now dr. barry and eileen are replacating that. thats what he said. he said its important for us kids to have one mom figure. and he asked eileen to be it. so maybe she is then. and dr. barrys like our daddy. you know how you dont tell daddys everything, only some stuff. he said eileen is doing the hard therapy work with us. she is healing our past wounds. so that is why she gets to be the mommy in our life. our attachment has to be with her. we can be atached to dr. barry too but it different. it in a different sorta way. i liked the did specialist. he understood kids and littles, and attachment. he got it. he had a lot of good ideas.