I’M JUST A HOT MESS OF FEAR

I WOKE UP WITH FEAR RUNNING THROUGH ME. I THINK I HAD A NIGHTMARE. I CANT REMEMBER IT BUT I FEEL AFRAID. SO SO AFRAID. I FEEL VERY UNSAFE. I GOT UP AND MADE A CUP OF COFFEE. IM IN THE KITCHEN NOW WITH THE RADIO ON DRINKING ME. I LET NITRO OUT. I PATTED HIM. I TRIED TO DO SOME GROUNDING TO DISTRACT ME FROM THE FEELINGS OF FEAR BUT ITS NOT WORKING TOO WELL. I ONLY GOT 2 HOURS OF SLEEP. WELL OK MAYBE 3. I WENT TO BED AROUND 8, WOKE UP JUST AFTER 11. NOW WIDE AWAKE AND UNABLE TO GO BACK TO SLEEP. ITS VERY UNLIKE ME AS NORMALLY AFTER A HARD THERAPY SESSION WE’RE DRAINED. THIS FEELS PRETTY UNMANAGEABLE. MY EMOTIONS AGAIN ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE. I’M TRYING NOT TO PUSH THEM AWAY. I JUST FEEL FRIGHTENED FEAR IS THE MAIN ONE I AM FEELING. FEAR OF WHAT IM NOT SURE THOUGH.
LIZ

Virus-free. www.avg.com

LIZ TALKING ABOUT CRYING IN MY THERAPY SESSION

WELL THERAPY TODAY, WAS UM, MESSY. VERY VERY MESSY.
I ENDED UP HAVING A VERY LONG CONVERSATION WITH EILEEN REGARDING CRYING. NOT EVEN SURE HOW WE GOT ONTO THAT TOPIC. BUT WE SOMEHOW DID. I TOLD HER I AM NOT A CRYER. I RARELY IF EVER, CRY. WE TALKED ABOUT HOW DURING THE ABUSE IT WASNT OK TO CRY, IF YOU DID, YOU WERE PUNISHED EVEN MORE, ABUSED MORE, MORE TORTURE, SEVERE PAIN AND MORE SEVERE ABUSE INFLICTED ON YOU. I WAS EXPLAINING ALL OF THIS TO HER. I SAID I LEANRED FROM A YOUNG AGE TO PUSH MY EMOTIONS DOWN, AND NEVER EVER CRY. SHE SAID SHE COULD UNDERSTAND WHY I WOULD. GIVEN ALL I’VE BEEN THROUGH. I TOLD HER THAT IN OUR SYSTEM CAROL ANNE IS THE CRYER, OR EMILY, BUT NOT ME. THEM TWO THEY HOLD A LOT OF OUR EMOTIONAL SIDE. CAROL ANNE ESPECIALLY. SHE CRIES AT MOVIES AND BOOKS. EILEEN SAID TO THINK OF IT AS AN OVERFLOW. SHE SAID ITS LIKE IF YOU HAD A TANK, AND THE TANK WAS FULL, AND SOME LEAKED OUT, BECAUSE IT WAS TOO FULL TO HOLD ANY MORE, THATS CALLED TH EOVERFLOW, THAT MADE A LOT OF SENSE TO ME. SHE SAID IF I AM NOT LETTING MY EMOTIONS OUT, THEY HAVE TO COME OUT SOMEWHERE ELSE. AND WHEN CAROL ANNE OR EMILY CRIES, PARTLY THAT IS THE OVERFLOW OF MY EMOTIONS COMING THROUGH AND OUT AND BEING RELEASED. MAKES PERFECT SENSE WHEN YOU LOOK AT IT LIKE THAT. I TOLD HER I SEE CRYING AS A SIGN OF WEAKNESS, SHE SAID ACTUALLY, THAT SHE SEES IT AS A SIGN OF STRENGTH. THAT KINDA FLOORED ME. THEN SHE FLOORED ME EVEN MORE. SHE SAID SHE CRIES, AND SHE IS GLAD SHE CAN CRY. SHE IS GLAD SHE IS ABLE TO BE WITH AND FEEL HER EMOTIONS. I CANT PICTURE HER CRYING, SHE ALWAYS SEEMS SO STRONG, IT WAS ACTUALLY A COMFORT TO ME TO KNOW MY THERAPIST CRIES, AND MIGHT FEEL SAD SOMETIMES. SHE ACTUALLY SAID SHE DOES GET SAD. AND FEEL SAD. AND WHEN SHE DOES SHE TAKES TIME TO RELEASE THE SADNESS FROM HER BODY. IT WAS TRULY FASCINATING TO HEAR HER SAY ALL THIS. I WAS ALL EARS. SHE SAID IT WOULD HAPPEN FOR ME IN TIME. THAT I NEED TO TRUST THE PROCESS. AND LET HER SUPPORT ME. WE DID A LITTLE EMDR EXERCISE. THAT WAS HARD. IT WAS TO DO WITH EMOTIONS AND FEELING THEM. I TOLD HER I FELT LIKE MY EMOTIONS WERE LIKE A WATERFALL. AND THAT IT FELT LIKE THE WATER WAS CASCADING DOWN AND ABOUT TO OVERTAKE ME. SO SHE HAD ME VISUALISE IT AND VISUALISE HER STANDING WITH ME US BOTH STANDING TOGETHER NEARBY. SHE SAID WE COULD STAND AS FAR BACK FROM IT AS I NEEDED TO BE. BUT THAT SHE WAS WITH ME AND TOGETHER WE’D NAVIGATE IT. AND SO WE DID. I NEVER DID CRY. BUT I LET MYSELF FEEL THE EMOTIONS. I HAD TO TURN DOWN THE DIAL A FEW NOTCHES A COUPLE TIMES, BUT I WAS ABLE TO LEAVE IT AT 1.5 AND FEEL SOME OF THE INTENSE EMOTIONS. EILEEN SAID THATS PROGRESS. IT WAS A REAL STRUGGLE NOT TO DISSOCIATE, NOT TO FLOAT AWAY. SHE ASKED ME TO TELL THE FLOATY PART TO JUST WATCH, THAT IT WAS OK, THAT SHE’S GOT THIS, AND SHE’S GOT US AND SHE WONT LET ANYTHING BAD HAPPEN TO US. I STRUGGLED, STRUGGLED TO STAY GROUNDED, PRESENT, BUT SHE KEPT BRINGING ME BACK, WHEN I’D START TO FADE ON HER. A FEW TIMES SHE SEEMED SO FAR AWAY. IT WAS HARD FOR ME TO HEAR HER WORDS. BUT EACH TIME I MANAGED SOMEHOW TO COME BACK TO THE ROOM AND BE PRESENT WITH HER. IM PROUD OF THE WORK I DID. NOW TO JUST GET THE CRYING THING UNDER CONTROL. I TOLD EILEEN THAT I WAS AFRAID THAT IF I START CRYING I WONT BE ABLE TO STOP. SHE SAID I WILL, THAT MY BODY WILL KNOW, IT WILL STOP EVENTUALLY. BUT SHE COULD UNDERSTAND THAT IF I’VE HELD ON TO IT FOR YEARS THAT MY FEAR MAY BE THAT THE EMOTION WOULD OVERTAKE ME AND CRIPPLE ME OR SOMETHING. I CERTAINLY DIDNT THINK ALL THIS STUFF WOULD SURFACE IN TODAYS SESSION. THERE WERE OTHER THINGS ALSO HAPPENING INTHE SESSION BUT THEY WERENT TO DO WITH ME. THE DISCUSSION ABOUT CRYING WAS MAINLY WHAT I TALKED ABOUT.
LIZ

Virus-free. www.avg.com

she read to us

taday eileen read to us
we recorded her reading
she read a book about feelings
caled today i feel silly and othir moods that make my day
it was so good
it be one my favorit buks
i love to hear her read
cuz she does voises wen shes readin to us
and she is all lik yu kno her voise goes up and down
carol anne says its caled animated
haha
i like it
it funy and it gud to hav a recording of it
we can lisen bak wen we ar scard of the dark
or misin her
that wil be gud i think
we ar gona buy more buks for her to read
so we can hav a colection of dem
we hav this one and anothir one so far
tha othir one is caled in my heart
its goodtoo
im a hapy camper tonite
cuz she read to me
yay 😀
darina ballerina , six

TODAYS THERAPY SESSION WAS TOUGH

HEY ITS LIZ. SO I HAD THE WHOLE OF OUR THERAPY SESSION TODAY. IT WAS SO TOUGH. I KNEW I HAD TO GO IN THERE THOUGH AND BE HONEST. SO I DID. I DID AND I AM SO GLAD I TALKED. WE DID EMDR. AND WORKED WITH THE PULSERS. FIRST OF ALL WE WORKED ON GROUNDING EXERCISES. SHE HAD ME WALK AROUND HER OFFICE. THAT ALWAYS CALMS ME DOWN. I WAS FEELING REALLY SHAKY AND JUMPY. SHE ASKED ME TO TRY TO NAME MY FEELINGS. BUT I COULDNT. I JUST COULDNT GO THERE. IT WAS WAAAAY TOO DIFFICULT. WE DID THIS THING DURING THE EMDR WHERE SHE HAD ME BRING UP A GOOD MEMORY AND THEN SHE HAD ME FLASH OVER TO THE DARK MERKY PLACE I FELT LIKE I WAS IN. SHE HAD ME FLASH OVER AND BACK FIRST UNDER HER INSTRUCTION AND THEN SHE HAD ME TRY TO GO THERE AND COME BACK TO THE PRESENT ON MY OWN AND SHE HAD ME DO IT 3 TIMES AND THEN 5 TIMES. AT FIRST I COULDNT REALLY DO IT BUT I GOT BETTER AT IT. I TRIED TO DESCRIBE THE FLAT FEELING AND THE FEELINGS OF BLAH AND LETHARGY AND DEPRESSEDNESS IS DEPRESSEDNESS EVEN A WORD? ANYWAY, I TRIED MY BEST TO DESCRIBE THOSE FEELINGS TO HER IN THE BEST WAY I COULD. I THINK SHE GOT IT. SHE SEEMED TO UNDERSTAND. SHE KEPT TELLING ME I WASNT ON MY OWN WITH ALL OF IT, THAT I HAD HER. THAT SHE CARED AND WANTED TO SUPPORT ME. SHE ASKED ME A FEW TIMES IF I FELT SAFE. I DID FEEL SAFE IN HER OFFICE. ESPECIALLY AFTER DOING THE GROUNDING EXERCISES. I TOLD HER THAT LATELY I’D BEEN ONLY COMING OUT TO DEAL WITH CRISIS SITUATIONS. TO HELP US WHEN NO ONE ELSE COULD DO THE JOB. I AM NOT LIVING MY LIFE. I AM SIMPLY BEING AN ANKOR FOR THE SYSTEM. I AM THE ONE WHO MANAGES WHEN NO ONE ELSE CAN. AND IT IS DRAGGING ME DOWN THAT IT IS THIS WAY. I WANT TO DO THINGS I ENJOY. I WANT TO TRY TO LIVE. I DONT WANT TO JUST EXIST. I WANT TO BE ME I WANT TO BE ME AND BE FREE TO BE HOW I AM. I’M ALWAYS AFRAID THAT IF I FEEL, IF I SHOW THE OTHERS IN THE SYSTEM MY TRUE FEELINGS, THAT THEY’LL ALL GET OVERWHELMED AND THEN WE’LL END UP IN THE HOSPITAL AND IT’LL BE ALL MY FAULT. I DONT WANT TO GO THERE. I DONT WANNA GO IN. I CANT. WE CANT. WE ARE TRYING OUR HARDEST TO STAY STABLE AND OUT OF THE HOSPITAL. DR. BARRY IS REALLY PROUD OF US. I WOULD HATE TO DISAPPOINT HER. I NEVER EVER WANT TO DISAPPOINT HER. NOT THAT SHE EVER SAID I DID, QUITE THE OPPOSITE ACTUALLY. SHE IS FOREVER TELLING ME ITS OK NOT TO BE OK. THAT I AM WAY TOO HARD ON MYSELF. ANYWAY. THERE WAS A YOUNG PART OF ME TODAY, A TEENAGE PART, I’D SAY SHE WAS AROUND 15 OR 16. AND SHE WAS STUCK, SHE KEPT SAYING SHE WAS IN A SWAMP AND SHE WAS STUCK AND COULDNT GET OUT OF THERE. SHE WAS SCARED AND VULNERABLE AND OVERWHELMED AND REALLY REALLY FRIGHTENED. I TOLD EILEEN ABOUT THE SWAMP AND HOW DARK AND MERKY IT WAS IN THERE. HOW IT IS LIKE A HUGE HOLE AND IF YOU ARE IN IT YOU START TO SINK. EILEEN OFFERED TO HELP GET HER OUT OF THE SWAMP. SO WE WORKED WITH HER AND EILEEN WAS ABLE TO HELP PULL HER OUT. SHE HAD ME VISUALISE A ROPE LADDER AND SHE TOLD ME TO TELL THIS TEEN PART TO PUT BOTH HANDS ON THE ROPE AND THEN EILEEN HAD ME VISUALISE HER DRIVING A TRACTOR WITH SOMETHING ON THE BACK THAT WOULD PULL THE TEEN PART OUT OF THE SWAMP. AND IT WORKED. SHE WAS DAZED AND VERY DISORIENTATED WHEN SHE CAME OUT OF THERE. AND EILEEN SAID IT WAS IMPORTANT THAT SHE RESTED. AND SHE TOLD ME ONCE SHE’S RESTED THAT MAYBE I COULD SHOW HER AROUND OUR HOUSE. SHOW HER OUR LIFE NOW. SHOW HER THAT ITS 2018 AND WE ARE SAFE. SHE ASKED ME IF I FELT I COULD DO IT. I SAID YES I THOUGHT I COULD. IT WAS AN INTENSE SESSION. BUT A REALLY PRODUCTIVE ONE TOO. IM SO GLAD I HAD ALL OF IT. I NEEDED TO TALK. I NEEDED TH VALIDATION. I NEEDED THE REASSURANCE AND SUPPORT.
LIZ

STILL FEELING LIKE SHIT

IM NOT OK. NOT DOING WELL AT ALL TONIGHT. FEEL SO SUICIDAL. TRYING NOT TO BE A DEBBIE DOWNER BECAUSE WE ARE ON VACATION AND I KNOW THE REST OF THE SYSTEM ARE ALL HAVING FUN. IM NOT THOUGH. I CANT SEEM TO ENJOY MYSELF. THE DEPRESSION IS JUST TOO BAD. I FEEL TOO SHITTY. MY MOOD JUST IS AWFUL AND I FEEL VERY LOW. A BLACK CLOUD HANGS OVER ME. I HATE IT. IT IS SUCH AN AWFUL FEELING. WHEN WE GET HOME IM DEFINITELY GOING TO TALK TO EILEEN IN THERAPY ON MONDAY ABOUT HOW I FEEL. IM SURE SHE’LL HAVE GOOD SUGGESTIONS FOR ME. THIS HAS GONE ON NOW FOR ALMOST 2 WEEKS. I FEEL LIKE CRAP. AND I HATE FEELING THAT WAY.
LIZ

LIZ

IM SO DEPRESSED. FEELING SO FRUSTRATED. NOT SURE WHY. JUST KNOW I FEEL LIKE SHIT. CANT COPE. SHOULD WATCH THAT SHOW CANT COPE WONT COPE. ITS A SHOW BY SOME IRISH COMEDIAN I THINK.
ANYWAY. JUST HAVING A CRAPPY NIGHT. FEELING SO FULL OF SADNESS AND DESPAIR. ITS THE WHOLE HAVING TO ACCEPT THE MEMORIES I GOT BACK LAST WEEK, THAT THEY ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME, TO THIS BODY. IT IS HELL.
UG SIGH.
LIZ

the pain of attachment

i feel a really strong pull to my therapist.
i know its the child parts. they want to be with her. they need her. hell i need her to. but somehow im feeling very vulnerable this morning.
trying best as i can to manage it. not easy but trying all the same.
attachment pain sucks. sucks doesnt even begin to cover it.
i can feel some very young parts surfacing. i’m trying to not switch out. because im in class. i cant really switch until im in the privacy of my room. its not safe.
think i’ll let the young parts email eileen. she’s always happy for us to do that. it might help them feel connected to know shes reading their words.