Emily and Dr. Barry

hi everyone

its emily. i just got back from our apt with dr. barry. i got to talk to her today. that was nice. i really love talking to her.

i told her how difficult the last few days have been for me and my insiders. i told her about lisa, and how last week she’d been so suicidal and how eileen helped us through that.

we talked about symptoms and therapy in general. we also talked a little about our memories. and about how some insiders cant accept that people would love them and how they find it difficult to accept that they are more than their trauma.

Dr. Barry was very sympathetic. She said its difficult for the insiders. They have a lot to cope with every day. They go through a lot of ver conflicting feelings about so many things.

It was a good conversation. I felt that Dr. Barry really understood us. She does anyway, but today I just felt she was really getting it, really getting how hard things can be for us.

She said despite all that we’re doing amazingly well. She told me she’s proud of us for continuing to cope despite all the difficulties we are having.

I’m glad I got to talk to her today. It felt so good to just be able to tell her things. I felt understood and validated.

butterfly hugs,
Loves you,

Emily

Butterfly hugs

hi everyone
its me Emily. we had therapy this morning. I came out and talked a lot during our session. and Eileen teached me something. its an EMDR exercise. you see, I always sign my emails butterfly hugs, loves you, actually I sign everything I write in that way. its my trademark ha ha. so Eileen ask me if i’d like to learn something that I can use to calm myself. I said I would. so we learned all about the butterfly hug and you can give yourself a butterfly hug any time. its where you make the shape of a butterfly with your hands, and then you put your hands on your shoulders, well near them, not actually on them. and you tap with first one hand then the other, you do it as if you were using th e pulsers, except there is no vibrating. just tapping. and you tap and bring up feelings as you do it. so Eileen was asking me how I felt being there in her office. I was telling her I was feeling really safe, and glad to be there, glad to be with her. I told her I feel all warm inside, she asked me where, in what part of my body I felt it. I told her my chest and tummy areas mostly. so she had me bring those good feelings up as I tapped on my shoulders with my hands. and it calmed me, it really worked. I felt so so calm. it was like magic! I was so glad I learned it. and Eileen said isn’t it cool how I always sign my emails butterfly hugs and then there really is such a thing in EMDR. I think that’s so cool too. I never even knew that before I started signing that. The rest of the time we talked about my system. And my insiders. And about our week. It was nice. And I just felt really calm during all that. It felt so good. Im glad I talked today. I had a good time and the time went by way too quickly. We brought in our photo album of our trip to Disneyworld in florida with our partner Jess. That was back in 2008, we also went in 2009, but this photo album was from 2008. We didn’t have time to actually go through all of the photos so I left it with Eileen until next week, we are going to spend some time going through it then. I wanted Eileen to see how happy we were in Disneyworld, its a safe place for us, we always bring up images of that when we do visualisation. Its just somewhere where we felt peaceful and safe. I really enjoyed our session today. Some of my insiders did some work too today but I’ll let them write their own posts if they want to do that.
Butterfly hugs,
Loves you,
Emily, age 12

I love you, Eileen

A time to talk
To tell of my pain
To talk it out
Before I go insane
I sit, and stare
Hoping it will disappear
But it doesn’t
But…
You are here
Sitting with me
Listening to every word I utter
Not faltering
Not running away
You are here
Telling me to keep on going
That I am doing great
And I appreciate you very very much
You are my rock
My safe secure person
In whom I can trust
So now, now I can talk
Talk about the hard stuff
I can do it
Because I have you
Thank you, Eileen
You are such an amazing strength to me

Lisa

She held me and hugged me

its emily. we had a very hard therapy session today. but something amazing happened during it.

eileen and me were talking, we talked a lot and some of my insiders came out and talked to her as well. we were talking about how people hurt me and punished me and were so mean to me.

eileen said she had an impulse to hug me. she asked me if she can come sit by me and put her arms around me. of course i said yes. cuz well shes my very safe person and i love her hugs.

so she came over and sat next to me and held me. for a long long time. it felt so good to be held.

it felt safe, very very safe. safe and secure. i felt so loved.

we talked as she held me. it was amazing. she asked me how it felt to be held. what it felt like for me. i told her i felt good, warm, and safe.

i asked her if next week she’d sit next to me instead of across the room from me. she said yes she will. i think that will be better for us. she’s sat next to us before, but my insiders and me are doing work with her right now, and i want my insiders to get used to nice touch, safe touch.

i feel much better now. i feel like i can face this week. i will remember what her safe hugs feel like when i am sad. i can remember our hug today, and her safe arms around me.

it feels so good. i feel loved. and that just feels so special.
Butterfly hugs,
Love
Emily age 12

WE MADE IT WE GOT THROUGH THE RITUAL WEEKEND AND WE’RE OK!

THIS IS WILLOW. I JUST WANTED TO COME TO WRITE A QUICK UPDATE.

WE MADE IT AND WE GOT THROUGH THE HOLIDAY THIS PAST WEEKEND, ON FRIDAY THERE WAS A RITUAL HOLIDAY, AND WE WERE FEELING VERY SCARED AND TRIGGERED, AND THINKING WE MAY NOT BE OK.

WE THOUGHT WE MAY BE CONTACTED AND ONE OF THE LOYAL DARKS WOULD MAYBE GO TO THE PEOPLE WHO CONTACT US, WHO ARE ACTUALLY PAST ABUSERS. BUT THEY DIDNT! WE WERE OK! WE WENT TO OUR PARENTS FOR THE WEEKEND AS PLANNED, AND EVERYTHING WAS OK! WHAT A HUGE RELIEF IT IS TO BE ABLE TO SAY THAT WE’RE OK AND WE MADE IT!

YOU DONT KNOW HOW HAPPY THAT MAKES ME TO BE ABLE TO SAY IT!

I EMAILED EILEEN YESTERDAY TO LET HER KNOW WE’RE OK! SHE DIDNT RESPOND TO ME BUT I KNEW SHE WOULDNT. I’M SURE WE’LL HAVE A TON TO TALK ABOUT TOMORROW WITH HER IN OUR SESSION!

THIS IS ONE OF THE FIRST MAJOR RITUAL DATES WHERE NOTHING BAD HAPPENED TO US. THAT IN ITSELF IS HUGE! IT MEANS THAT FINALLY THE ABUSERS ARE HAVING LESS POWER OVER US! YAY!

I’VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER! AM SO, SO GRATEFUL THAT WE DIDNT GET HURT AND AM SO SO GRATEFUL THAT WE WERE ABLE TO RESIST GOING WITH THEM!
WILLOW

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EMDR PROCESSING

HI, ITS WILLOW. HOW ARE YOU ALL?

IT WAS SO GOOD TO GET BACK TO THERAPY! I WAS NEVER SO HAPPY AS I WAS TO SEE EILEEN TODAY! I FELT SO DELIGHTED TO BE BACK IN HER OFFICE!

WE DID SOME EMDR IN THIS SESSION. WE PROCESSED A MEMORY WELL I DID. I WAS HAVING TROUBLE WITH ANXIETY AND EILEEN ASKED ME IF I’D LIKE TO WORK WITH IT. I SAID YES I WOULD. SHE ASKED IFI FELT READY TO DO SOME MEMORY WORK. I HESITATED BUT THEN WENT FOR IT. AND I DID IT.

THE MEMORY WAS HARD TO WORK THROUGH. I KEPT WANTING TO DISSOCIATVE. I KEPT SPACING OUT. EILEEN HAD TO KEEP BRINGING ME BACK. I KEPT FORGETTING TO BREATHE TOO. I’D BE HOLDING MY BREATH AND EILEEN WOULD HAVE TO SAY BREATHE! BREATHE! OVER AND OVER!

SHE KEPT REMINDING ME ITS OK TO BREATHE, OK TO TAKE UP AIR AND SPACE! I TOLD HER I ALWAYS THINK I SHOULDNT! I THINK I DONT DESERVE TO! SHE SAID IT IS MY RIGHT! MY RIGHT TO BE IN THE WORLD!

SHE GOT OUT THE PULSERS AND WE WORKED WITH THEM FOR A WHILE. WE WORKED WITH A YOUNG PART OF ME. A 9 YEAR OLD. THE MEMORY I SAW WAS OF HER STANDING IN THE PLAYGROUND, FEELING ALL ALONE AND VERY LONELY. TERRIFIED THAT SHE WAS ON HER OWN AND UNABLE TO MANAGE. FEELING TRAPPED, WONDERING HOW SHE WAS GOING TO GET AWAY RUN GET OUT AND AWAY FROM THE ABUSE.

EILEEN HAD ME NOTICE HER AND NOTICE MY BODY AND THE REACTIONS FROM MY BODY. THAT WAS SUPER HARD! I FELT A LOT OF INTENSE ANXIETY. FEAR, AND LIKE SHE WAS VERY CLOSE! TH E 9 YEAR OLD PART OF ME WAS SO SCARED!

EILEEN SAID I COULD TAKE HER OUT OF THAT PLACE SHE WAS IN. I COULD TAKE HER BACK WITH ME BACK TO CORK TO WHERE I LIVE NOW. I SAID I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO. EILEEN SAID I COULD MAKE SPACE FOR HER IN MY ROOM INSIDE, OR MAKE HER HER OWN ROOM. AND SHE SAID MAYBE SHE’D LIKE TO MEET THE 9 YEAR OLD INSIDERS THAT ARE IN OUR SYSTEM. I SAID I’D LIKE HER TO BUDDY UP WITH SOMEONE, SO I ASKED ALLIE IF SHE’D BUDDY UP WITH HER. SHE SAID YES SHE WOULD DO THAT.

HOWEVER THE LITTLE GIRL WASNT READY TO COME WITH ME TODAY, SHE NEEDS MORE TIME TO HANG OUT WITH ME AND JUST GET TO KNOW ME SOME MORE. AND THATS OK. I CAN WAIT. IF SHE’S NOT READY TO COME OUT OF WHERE SHE’S ALWAYS BEEN FOR YEARS YET THATS OK. SHE WILL WHEN SHE’S READY!

EMDR IS HARD WORK LET ME TELL YOU! I HADNT EVER TRIED IT OUT BEFORE. IN FACT I WAS AFRAID OF IT! I TALKED A LITTLE BIT TO EILEEN TODAY ABOUT ME BEING AFRAID OF IT. SHE SAID I SHOWED COURAGE TO EVEN TRY! SHE KNOWS HOW MUCH US DARKS WERE AGAINST IT AT THE START! NOW WE DO IT AND WE ARENT AFRAID OF IT NOW!

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW THAT I’VE WORKED WITH THAT LITTLE ONE! SHE IS CALMER, AND FEELS SAFER. I DO TOO. I FEEL LESS ANXIOUS, LESS TENSE, LESS STRESSED, OVERALL I FEEL GOOD! I HAD A PRODUCTIVE SESSION AND I AM PROUD OF THE WORK I DID!
WILLOW, AGE 21

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todays Therapy session. Preparing for eileens holiday

hey everyone
carol anne here. we had a good therapy session today. most of it was spent preparing for Eileens upcoming holiday.
At the start of the session an insider who doesnt come out very often was out. That was interesting. She was a little bit disorientated and distressed but luckily eileen was able to help her and see that she was ok.
Eileen then reiterated to us that its not very safe for insiders who dont front much to be out because they dont know about our life now, and they dont really know what to do or how things work. Luckily this insider was able to communicate with emily, and emily was able to tell her how to get us to therapy. The rest of us werent really able to do anything as we werent able to communicate with her.
Anyway. It got sorted and she was able to go back inside and I was able to come out. And then we worked on preparing for Eileens vacation. Eileen said she wants to take this week and next week before she leaves to do some work with us for when she’s gone. Today we worked with the light adults and the dark adults, and next week it will be the kids turn to work with her.
Basically what we did was this. We worked on putting all of our memories and the things we’d been working with her on into a box. And then locking them in a vault until we see her again after her holiday. That way we wont be over run with memories and triggers while she’s gone. I thought this was a fab idea.
It was hard but we did it. With eileens help of course. Basically she told each of us that we had a box, an iron box to put all of our memories in. Each box has a combination lock on it and only the person who owns the box knows the code to the lock. Then we put them in a room, and only eileen knows the code to the room. Nothing can leak out until she returns.
The darks did it a little differently. Liz made a room underground in their castle and herself and willow and wendy brought all of their boxes down there. Liz is the one who knows the combination code on the room where their boxes are. Liz did the work for the darks today and I did it for the lights.
I’m happy with how it all went. It was a first for us. None of our previous therapists had ever done anything like that with us. It felt like such a huge weight had been lifted when we did it. It was a huge relief. Relief just flooded through me once it was done.
Next week eileen will spend the session with the kids. She said we can bring our digital recorder in and a book and she will read to them and we can record it to have while she is gone. So we are going to bring in a new book called where ever you are my love will find you. The kids are excited. She has been meaning to read this book now for a few weeks but we just never got around to it. So it will be nice for them to have her read it to them.