i feel a really strong pull to my therapist.
i know its the child parts. they want to be with her. they need her. hell i need her to. but somehow im feeling very vulnerable this morning.
trying best as i can to manage it. not easy but trying all the same.
attachment pain sucks. sucks doesnt even begin to cover it.
i can feel some very young parts surfacing. i’m trying to not switch out. because im in class. i cant really switch until im in the privacy of my room. its not safe.
think i’ll let the young parts email eileen. she’s always happy for us to do that. it might help them feel connected to know shes reading their words.
eileen is gonna read a book to me. shes done that before. so its not a new thing.
i love when she reads to me.
it is feelin so safe. i love listening to her voice.
i love how she reads. her voice is calm and gentle and soft. its a little piece of heaven.
the book i chose was today i feel silly and other moods that make my day by jamie lee curtis.
im a little old for it but i dont care. i like it.
eileen said she’ll record herself reading it. and we can have it then to listen back to when we’re sad, lonely, feeling alone, or like we need her.
that is good right? i think it is.
we already have a recording of another one she read to us called in my heart, we have a recording of it and we listen to that one a ton.
now we’ll have a new one. yay. im sooo happy.
she said shell do it this week, and if she cant, then we can do it next week during our session.
I feel good now. Love my heart mom sooo much.
so we were back to therapy today. what a relief! it was such a relief to be back. was sooo happy to see eileen again.
there was a bunch of my sisters inside though who were angry. angry that she left us. angry that she came back and wanted us to work on stuff. angry that they had to go to therapy at all. they didnt want to go.
she asked if i’d be the spokesperson for us all. so i was.
we talked through the anger. that was hard. i get it that your angry at me for leaving you. i get that, she said softly.
do you? do you really get it? i do, she said.
do you think we could talk about the anger? nooo, we dont wanna, we cant, the words, they wont come, we cant…
slowly we tried though. and we did succeed at it eventually.
i told her how i’d been trying to email her stuff this week but couldnt find my words. but then today i was able to talk to her about it.
it felt like i was on my own this past two weeks, i said. i felt alone. i felt horrible. i wanted you there with me. but you werent there…you were gone…
i hate when your gone…
some of the teen insiders were in a strop. its as if you were never coming back, i said almost in tears. but i’m back now, clara. i’m back, i didnt leave, i know it felt like it but i’m here…i’m still here…
then i started telling her about my body. i wanted to punch out my arms, not at her, but just, to get the anger out. but i couldnt. my movements were stiff and cumbersome.
so i started to tell her about my body, how im 15, and my body inside, is totally different to my body when im out. i have so much energy inside, my movements are powerful, they are strong, i feel strong, but then, when i come out, and am out in the body, my movements dont feel as strong. my body reacts slower, i feel very slowed down, i certainly dont feel like im 15 when im out.
so we talked through all that. and then eileen had me do some body exercises, she practiced what she learned last week on me! i was the very first person she practiced her learning on! that felt so good!
so she had me walk through some exercises where i noticed my arms, the muscles in them, how they felt, what they were wanting to do, and then she had me do it, move my arms, punch out my arms, feel it, feel into it, and it felt sooo good to do it!
we are going to do some more work next week on it. but for this week she wants me to practice the exercises i did with her.
and she wants me to continue practicing my breathing. she said thats very important.
so yeah a good therapy session today!
SHE RESPONDED TO ONE OF OUR EMAILS. SHE ALWAYS KNOWS JUST WHEN TO RESPOND. OUR AGREEMENT IS SHE READS THEM AND DOESNT RESPOND, BUT SOMETIMES SHE BREAKS IT AND RESPONDS ANYWAY..LIKE NOW, AND WE LOVE HER FOR IT…
Hi All, Just to let you know I have received all the emails, and wanted to respond briefly. I really do get the various reactions and want to honour them. The anger the uncertainty the wanting to connect the wanting perhaps to push me away the curiosity the sense of abandonment the hurt….I have not left you behind I carry you all with me.
By the way I didnt forget about the book, I made a recording of it…but the playback was on slow and couldnt figure out how to rectify that…or send it! We will figure it out together.
FROM SENDING A PATHETIC EMAIL TO EILEEN WHERE I WHINE AND COMPLAIN ABOUT HER BEING GONE AND AM A SOBBING MESS OF ANGRY RAGE.
I SHOULDNT DO IT, IT WOULD BE COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. BUT WELL MAYBE I MIGHT ANYWAY?
So my therapy break is over. tomorrow I go back to therapy again. For a week at least, then Eileen is off for a week because she is doing a course in body psychotherapy. But at least the easter break is finally over!
I’ve never been so happy! I missed eileen like crazy! The attachment pain was so bad these past two weeks. I know I didnt write a lot about it. I figured I wouldnt bore you all with it. Because, it was the same old story, we cried, we ranted, we missed her, we needed, we were emotional, we craved therapy, it was hell.
The little parts especially missed her. They cried a lot. They didnt understand not seeing her. They felt like she’d never come back.
But tomorrow, she will be back. Our safe person, our secure base will return. And probably we’ll talk about the attachment pain and the fact we really missed her over this easter break.
Just happy to have her back again. Feels nice. Safe. What a relief it is. Such a relief.
I HATE YOU I FUCKING DESPISE YOU YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME MY INNOCENCE MY CHILDHOOD MY DREAMS MY HOPES BUT THERE IS ONE THING YOU DID NOT TAKE MY SPIRIT YOU COULD NEVER TAKE THAT SO GO TO HELL AND I HOPE YOU FEEL THE PAIN I FELT SOME DAY YOU DESERVE IT