Eileen emailed us!

Look what eileen wrote us! She always knows just when to email us! She usually doesnt but sometimes, occasionally she will, if she thinks its needed! And today, when we looked she had emailed us! Yay! Im so so happy to get this from her!
butterfly hugs
Loves you,
emily

Hi Everyone,
I noticed that some of you young (and not so young!) insiders are upset at the thought of my being away next week. I know you are angry and sad, and also that it was unfortunate that you couldn’t come for your session this week, which probably makes the break seem longer. The adults may have more of a sense of time maybe than you, and perhaps more of an understanding that I go away for either work or a holiday, and that I always come back. It would be important that you could go to the adults if at any stage you feel uncertain or lonely. Times have changed, and you are not on your own with those feelings any more. I will be learning loads of new stuff about feelings, and how to manage them, and will be happy to show you all I have learned when I come back.
Will see you on the 19th,
Keep well,
Eileen

Virus-free. www.avg.com

Decompressing

It is taking everything in me not to text Eileen. Text her to ask her to ring me back. I don’t want to bother her though. I know she has college tonight. She teaches on Mondays. So she wouldn’t even be able to call me even if I asked.

Memories are swamping us. I’m drowning here.

I cant stand it. I feel so utterly defeated. I took a shower to try to relax. I used some lotion on my body trying to give myself some sensory input. Trying to distract myself from the horrible thoughts.

I just cant get rid of them. I wish I could hold Eileens hand. Hug her. I wish she would take me in her arms and tell me I’ll be ok. I’m struggling so much to feel her presence right now. Struggling to feel the connection that we have.

If I still feel this way in the morning I might text her. Just for a five min phone check in. I feel like I am going to decompress at any minute. It feels so awful. I just feel like I am sinking fast.

SO OUR THERAPIST RESPONDED, SHE’S AWESOME

SHE RESPONDED TO ONE OF OUR EMAILS. SHE ALWAYS KNOWS JUST WHEN TO RESPOND. OUR AGREEMENT IS SHE READS THEM AND DOESNT RESPOND, BUT SOMETIMES SHE BREAKS IT AND RESPONDS ANYWAY..LIKE NOW, AND WE LOVE HER FOR IT…
LIZ

Hi All, Just to let you know I have received all the emails, and wanted to respond briefly. I really do get the various reactions and want to honour them. The anger the uncertainty the wanting to connect the wanting perhaps to push me away the curiosity the sense of abandonment the hurt….I have not left you behind I carry you all with me.
By the way I didnt forget about the book, I made a recording of it…but the playback was on slow and couldnt figure out how to rectify that…or send it! We will figure it out together.
Keep well
Eileen

Back to basics

hi. my name is brianna. i am 18.

today in therapy me and eileen talked for the very first time. we talked about a lot of things. mostly to do with our system, the way we are set up, that was hard, since very few people actually know about how we’re set up, about our system structure.

we’ve been experiencing a lot of dissociation over the past couple of months. insiders have become activated, that havent been out in a very long time, and its becoming a huge problem.

mainly these are dark insiders. there is a lot of internal conflict, because some of the darks want to engage in therapy, they want to be seen, validated, etc. while others do not. others are quite happy to try to interfere and sabotage the therapy process.

eileen thinks the best thing for us to do now is go back to basics. try to work on managing our emotions, so that we can gain some stability again.

she said we need to just put the breaks on, not work on memories or do EMDR again for a while, until we can get to grips with the dissociation and with managing feelings.

I happen to agree with her. I think thats for the best.

we did some breath work today. that was hard. she noticed that when we breathe we take very shallow breaths. she did some breathing exercises with us, and then she asked us to set up a committee of 3 of us to do these exercises each day, four times a day for a few minutes.

we have an easter break next week, which is going to be hard for us to get through. we’ll manage but its always hard. at least we’ll see dr. barry during our easter break so that is something at least.

But for right now, its back to basics for us, back to the very start, trying to manage big feelings and emotions. doing work with eileen on theraputic strategies that we can use to do this.

PIXIE, YOU HAVE rights…

I SAT OPPOSITE EILEEN, STARING AT THE FLOOR. NOT KNOWING WHAT TO SAY NEXT. WE’D JUST TALKED ABOUT MY SEVERE DEPRESSION, THAT WAS HARD.
PIXIE, CAN YOU LOOK AT ME?
I CANT, EILEEN, I, I, I CANT…
OK THEN, BUT CAN YOU LISTEN TO WHAT I AM GOING TO SAY NEXT?
YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO A GOOD LIFE
YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO HAVE FUN
YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO LIVE
YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE
YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO YOUR FEELINGS
YOU HAVE RIGHTS, PIXIE
YOU ARE A PERSON IN YOUR OWN RIGHT, WITH RIGHTS.
ME, SAYING NOTHING, STILL LOOKING AT THE FLOOR…
DO YOU HEAR ME PIXIE? CAN YOU HEAR ME?
YES, I SAY QUIETLY.
EILEEN PLACES A HAND GENTLY ON MY KNEE…HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HEAR ME SAY THAT TO YOU?
I CANT ANSWER. I’M CRYING NOW. TEARS FALL AS I SOB.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT I DIDNT HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXIST…

avoiding the hard stuff in therapy

this weeks been very hard. having no therapy session wasnt good.
but if i am honest, i was happy in a way. why? because i didnt want to face the hard stuff. i wanted to run away and hide from it.
eileen sent me a text on tuesday. she said she’d recieved some emails and did i want to talk. i called her back and we did talk. but she was a little bit upset with us.
she said we are pushing her away. and then sending emails to tell her things after we’ve been distant with her and what is that about?
she challenged me and i was so uncomfortable. i said i didnt expect a response. that i didnt know why we’d sent them really.
she said its like we’re setting her up. because when she gets the distressing emails, what is she to do with them? since we’ve made an arrangement that she doesnt respond to emails outside of session unless its an emergency.
the fact that we werent in session this week, she said she couldnt gage how we were and what was going on for us.
so yeah. we had a frank discussion and she said its very important to talk this through on monday during the session.
I’m nervous. I hate it when we fight. We’re not really fighring but it feels uncomfortable. It feels like she’s mad at us but she said she isnt.