HI, ITS LIZ. YESTERDAY I WAS VERY TRIGGERED. I TRIED ALL DAY BUT THE FEELINGS WERE LINGERING. I DIDNT KNOW WHAT WOULD LESSEN THEM. IN THE END I TEXTED MY THERAPIST. THIS IS WHAT I SAID. EILEEN, I FEEL OVERWHELMED, I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO, I CANT PUT WORDS ON IT, I JUST FEEL INCREDIBLY SAD, I’VE TRIED EVERYTHING BUT NOTHING IS WORKING, I REALLY NEED TO TALK TO YOU, CONNECT WITH YOU, LIZ. THAT WAS AT 5 PM. I HEARD NOTHING AND SO I LAY DOWN AND TRIED TO SLEEP. I KEPT MY PHONE NEXT TO ME JUST IN CASE SHE RESP9ONDED, I WAS HOPING SHE WOULD. THEN AT 8:30 A TEXT CAME IN FROM HER. IT READ, HI LIZZ, SORRY I COULDNT RESPOND EARLIER, HOW ARE YOU DOING NOW? INSTANTLY I FELT A LITTLE BIT BETTER. SHE HAD RESPONDED AFTER ALL. I TEXTED BACK AND TOLD HER THINGS HAD CALMED A LITTLE AND THAT I WAS OK AND WAS RESTING NOW BECAUSE OF LACK OF SLEEP THE PREVIOUS NIGHT. SHE TEXTED ME BACK AND TOLD ME TO HAVE A GOOD REST AND TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I WISH WE COULD HAVE TEXTED MORE. BUT I AM HAPPY SHE RESPONDED AT TO ME LEAST. THAT VULNERABLE PART OF ME FELT HEARD, VALIDATED, AND THE TRIGGERED FEELINGS DISAPATED.
To my readers…Do my posts about therapy, and dr. Barry bore you? Or do you enjoy reading them? I am really interested in some feedback. If readers want to continue reading that stuff. I know I said I would only post it to my updates list, but then I thought, I havent asked for feedback or if people find those posts useful and enjoy them and reading about my appointments. So, do you? Please let me know! Its hard for me to know or gage that. Feedback comments on whether you would like to continue reading those sorta posts appreciated!
i feel icky in my tumy
i be skard
it feelin wobbly in ther
i don like it wen its dark oteside
i want eileen! i wish she be here with me
i liked it today when she holded us and put her hand on ar tumy
it felt safe
i wanna feel safe
but i not fellin good rite now
my hart go boom boom
and my belly hurts
and i cry
adelle i four
ITS LIZ. I HAD THERAPY TODAY. I HAD THE ENTIRE SESSION.
WE WORKED ON MY EMOTIONS. I TOLD EILEEN HOW VULNERABLE I HAD FELT AFTER OUR LAST SESSION. HOW I WAS VERY TRIGGERED AFTER GOING INTO SUCH DEEP EMOTIONS AND WORKING WITH THE ANGER. SHE SAID I DID VERY WELL AND SHE UNDERSTOOD HOW I FELT. WHICH IS WHY SHE DIDNT PUSH US WHEN WE DECIDED NOT TO COME IN LAST WEEK.
TODAY I CAME IN AND I WAS FEELING SO RAW. THERE IS THIS LAYER UNDERNEATH THE ANGER. A LAYER OF OTHER FEELINGS, I TOLD EILEEN I FELT UNLOVED, ALONE, ABANDONMENT, REJECTION, UNSUPPORTED, ON MY OWN. I FELT LIKE ISOLATING. WE TALKED ABOUT ALL THAT. I WAS GONNA CRY BUT ENDED UP NOT DOING THAT. I KEPT GIVING EILEEN STANDARD ANSWERS, LIKE, WHEN SHE’D ASK HOW I WAS I’D SAY OK, OR I DONT KNOW, SHE KEPT ASKING ME IF THE STANDARD ANSWERS WERE BECAUSE I WAS SCARED TO OPEN UP TO HER.
EVENTUALLY I DID OPEN UP A LOT THOUGH. SHE CAME OVER AND IT WENT LIKE THIS.
EILEEN: CAN I SIT BY YOU? IS THAT OK?
ME: YEAH, OK.
SHE CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN NEXT TO ME, PUT ONE ARM AROUND ME.
EILEEN: IS THIS OK? IS IT OK TO HOLD YOU?
ME: UH, YA, YA, I’M OK WITH THAT.
EILEEN: CAN I PUT A HAND ON YOUR TUMMY?
I HAD FELT LIKE THERE WAS A BIG HOLE IN MY STOMACH WHICH WAS FULL OF BLACKNESS.
EILEEN: CAN I HOLD YOU AND PUT ONE HAND ON YOUR TUMMY?
ME: OK, AND SO SHE DID THAT.
IT FELT SO GOOD. I FELT WARM. I FELT COMFORTED. SHE SAID THERE FELT LIKE THERE WAS A LOT OF ACTIVITY IN MY STOMACH. THAT MADE ME LAUGH A LITTLE BIT.
SHE SAT THERE HOLDING ME WITH ONE ARM AND HER OTHER HAND ON MY STOMACH.
EILEEN: BREATHE INTO THAT, JUST BREATHE INTO IT.
ME: TAKING LOTS OF DEEP BREATHS, THIS FEELS SO GOOD. I DONT WANT YOU TO LET GO.
EVENTUALLY AFTER SOME TIME SHE SAID CAN YOU PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR TUMMY AND I’LL PUT MY HAND OVER THEM? SO I DID. IT FELT WEIRD BUT I DID IT.
EILEEN: HOW DOES IT FEEL TO GIVE YOUR TUMMY AND THE BLACKNESS ATTENTION?
ME: UM, IT FEELS LIKE A FIRST, I’VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE.
THERAPY WAS TOUGH TODAY BUT ALSO VERY VERY GOOD AND I GOT SO MUCH OUT OF IT. AT THE END OF THE SESSION I AUTOMATICALLY REACHED OUT AND PUT MY ARM AROUND EILEEN, AND SAID, I’M GONNA HUG YOU. SHE RESPONDED WITH A BIG HUG BACK TO ME.
my eyes hurt from crying. i cant even remember any more why i started to cry. i think it was a build up of a lot of things. i need a hug but cant ask anyone. its too early to text or call my therapist. i’m at my parents and mom is awake and up but she’d never hug me. i cant remember the last time she hugged me. it wasnt recently. i feel incredibly sad and alone and just so on my own. at least i have nitro, he knows i’m not ok because he keeps coming over by the bed and nuzzling my arm. i just realised too that i am actually hungry. maybe if i eat something i will feel better. maybe i’ll go make some toast. it feels like its gonna be an awfully long day.
THIS IS LIZ. LAST WEEK DURING THERAPY I WORKED WITH MY ANGER. WHAT A HARD THING THAT WAS TO DO.
EVER SINCE I STARTED WORKING WITH MY ANGER I’VE FELT A LOT OF THINGS THAT I AM JUST NOT USED TO FEELING. ITS LIKE UNDERNEATH THE ANGER THERE ARE OTHER FEELINGS, WELL YEAH OF COURSE THERE ARE, BUT I NEVER REALLY LOOKED AT THEM BEFORE. NOW I CAN AND ITS SO HARD.
EILEEN HAD ME VISUALISE MY ANGER. I DID AND IT WAS THIS HUGE BALL IN THE PIT OF MY STOMACH. WE WORKED WITH THE BALL. I TOLD HER I FELT IT WAS HARD, AND HEAT WAS COMING FROM IT. THERE WAS A JAGGED FEEL TO IT, LIKE PIECES OF IT WERE JUTTING OUT.
IT FELT AWKWARD TO DESCRIBE IT, I AM JUST NOT USED TO DESCRIBINT HOW MY ANGER FEELS TO HER.
SHE ASKED ME HOW I FELT TOWARDS IT, AGAIN FUCK, I DONT KNOW. WE WORKED A LITTLE BIT MORE ON THE FEELINGS, AND EVENTUALLY I WAS ABLE TO FEEL A LITTLE WARMTH TOWARDS IT FOR WHAT THE ANGER HAD HELPED ME TO SURVIVE. SO WE DECIDED TO TRY TO GIVE SOME OF THE WARMTH OVER TO THE BALL IN MY STOMACH. I KINDA DESCRIBED IT AS A GLOW, A GLOW OF WARMTH AROUND THE BALL OF ANGER.
I CAN HONESTLY SAY THERAPY HAS BEEN THOUGH LATELY. EILEEN SAID WE’D DEFINITELY COME BACK TO THE ANGER AGAIN THAT WE WERENT GOING TO JUST LEAVE IT GO.
Yesterday we had our dr. Barry appointment. The clinic was packed when we got there. Our apt was at four but we got there an hour early. Still we didnt get seen till 4:30.
We talked about a lot. We figured out that the reason we were feeling so unstable after the weekend was because there was a cult holiday on Monday, st. Brigids day. No wonder we felt so triggered.
We talked to Dr. Barry about the fact that the abusers just made us feel like an object. This makes us angry but also so sad. She listened and was very sympathetic.
We talked about therapy last week. About object constancy and how we’d worked with Eileen on the attachment stuff and worked with younger parts around feelings associated with that. We told Dr. Barry that we’d been talking to some friends and they’d mentioned maybe having something, an object, to help us feel connected to Eileen when she isnt available to us. We need to mention this to her today.
We talked about anxiety and the lyrica not doing anything to combat that. Dr. Barry wants to increase it. She really is a fan of the lyrica because she said its a good option considering we’re epileptic so she wants us to increase it and then if it really isnt working she said we do still have options and there are other things we can try. Buspar is one med. Other than that its a low dose of an antipsychotic but we are nervous to try them because we have had such bad reactions to so many of them. She doesnt want to give us benzos. She said she doesnt want to be the one responsible for us having an addiction problem. I had to laugh at that because it seems kind of funny, your psychiatrist being the one responsible for making you addicted to something. She was laughing too but she said you’d be surprised how often that actually happens.
We talked about college and I said I would think some more about whether I wanted to actually go back or not. I told her I would trash it out with Mark the OT. She said it would be a good idea to do that and she said Mark will be able to really help me figure out what I want to do. She kept telling me that its ok just to be good enough, that I need to lower my expectations of myself, she said I put way too much pressure on myself to do well which I know I do.
Other than that we just talked about family stuff, my dads and uncles health problems, and my worries about my dad. I also asked her to ask Karen the social worker to follow up with making some phone calls about getting me extra support which she said she’d do.
I will see her again next Wednesday.