THERAPY MONDAY ANGER ANGER ANGER

ITS LIZ. I’VE BEEN IN A MOOD FOR DAYS NOW. CAROL ANNE TRIED TO GET ME TO OPEN UP TO HER BUT I WOULDNT. I ACTUALLY FEEL BAD NOW BECAUSE I WAS SO HORRIBLE TO HER THIS PAST WEEK. TODAY DURING THERAPY I HAD SOME TIME. I ENDED UP TELLING EILEEN WHATS BEEN GOING ON FOR ME. FIRST OF ALL I’D BEEN HAVING AWFUL FLASHBACKS. THERE WERE TWO DATES RECENTLY, RITUAL DATES AND THEY TRIGGERED ME. TRIGGERED A WHOLE HOST OF AWFUL MEMORIES AND LEFT ME FEELING VERY VULNERABLE. I HATE BEING TRIGGERED INTO FLASHBACKS. I HATE FEELING EMOTIONS. I ALWAYS FEEL SO OVERWHELMED BY MY EMOTIONS, SO THEN I GO WITH WHAT FEELS LESS OVERWHELMING, AND THATS ANGER. I CAN CONTROL ANGER. IT DOESNT MAKE ME MISS POPULAR WITH OTHER PEOPLE BUT AT LEAST I KNOW HOW IT WILL BE, AT LEAST I AM USED TO FEELING ANGRY. WE DIDNT REALLY TALK ABOUT THE FLASHBACKS IN THAT MUCH DETAIL TODAY. BUT I WAS TELLING EILEEN THAT WITH EASTER LOOMING AND OUR BIRTHDAY COMING UP ALSO THAT WE’RE GONNA BE IN A STATE OF HIGH TRIGGER ALERT FOR THE NEXT FEW WEEKS. WE TALKED ABOUT THAT JUNIOR DOCTOR FINDING US. THAT KIND OF BOTHERED ME TOO. NOT BECAUSE THEY FOUND US, BUT JUST BECAUSE THEY WERE ACTING LIKE WE WERE SOMETHING TO JUST BE CURIOUS ABOUT, LIKE OH ITS FINE, WE HAVE DID, THEY FELT LIKE IT WAS OK TO JUST GOOGLE US JUST TO SATISFY THEIR OWN CURIOUSITY. DR BARRY DID SAY THEY WERE CURIOUS AND THAT IS WHY THEY GOOGLED US. FINE, BE CURIOUS BUT I DONT LIKE THAT THEY WILL HAVE NOW ALREADY MADE UP THEIR MIND ABOUT US, NOT THAT WE’LL PROBABLY EVER HAVE TO MEET THEM BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WE MIGHT. AND IF WE DO THEY WILL HAVE THE UPPER HAND, AND I DONT LIKE THAT. THE OTHER THING I AM MAD ABOUT IS THE FACT THAT DR. BARRY WAS TALKING ABOUT OUR THEARPY WITH ALL THE JUNIOR DOCTORS, AND ACTING LIKE IT WOULD BE NO BIG DEAL IF THE FUNDING GOT CUT AND WE ENDED UP HAVING TO LEAVE EILEEN. I PLAN ON TELLING HER THAT I THINK SHE WASNT FULLY APPRECIATING OUR DILEMMA WHEN I DO GET TO TALK TO HER, WHICH I MIGHT THIS WEEK IF I FEEL UP TO IT. I TOLD EILEEN TODAY THAT I HAD NO INTENTION OF EVER AGAIN STARTING OVER WITH ANYONE NEW. I TRUST EILEEN, WE HAVE A FIRM SOLID RELATIONSHIP BUILT UP. YOU DONT SEE SOMEONE FOR ALMOST 4 YEARS AND NOT HAVE GROWN CLOSE TO THEM OR HAVE PUT TRUST IN THEM. TO START OVER WITH A NEW PERSON WOULD BE COUNTERPRODUCTIVE AT THIS POINT. AND THAT IS IF THEY’D EVEN TAKE US ON THE PSYCHOLOGY TEAM, THEY MAY NOT, DUE TO OUR DID. DR. BARRY WAS SURE TO POINT THAT OUT. AGAIN MAKING US FEEL LIKE OUR DID IS SOMETHING TO BE ASHAMED OF OR TOO MUCH FOR SOME PEOPLE. AGAIN MAKING US FEEL BROKEN, DAMAGED, LIKE WE ARE TOO MUCH AND TOO COMPLEX. I KNOS SHE PROBABLY DIDNT MEAN TO SOUND LIKE THAT WHEN SHE SAID IT BUT IT IS WHAT IT SOUNDED LIKE TO ME. AND ALL THAT JUST MADE ME FEEL SO MAD ALL WEEK AND I HAD NOBODY TO TALK TO ABOUT IT SO TODAY WHEN EILEEN GOT IT I WAS SO GLAD. IT FELT GOOD TO BE ABLE TO VENT ABOUT IT TO HER. I DID SOME WORK WITH THE 9 YEAR OLD PART OF MYSELF, BUT SHE KEPT OVERWHELMING ME WITH HER NEEDINESS AND WITH VERY INTENSIVE SADNESS AND ABANDONMENT AND I KEPT SAYING TO EILEEN HOW I NEEDED HER AND I WISHED I COULD JUST WRAP HER UP AND TAKE HER HOME WITH ME SO THAT SHE WOULD BE THERE 24 HOURS A DAY TO GIVE ME ADVICE AND HELP ME TO COPE WHEN I FEEL UNABLE TO MANAGE. EILEEN SAID THAT SHE REALISED THAT THE 9 YEAR OLD PART WAS FEELING LIKE SHE NEEDED COMFORT AND IT WAS HARD FOR HER TO BE IN THAT MUCH PAIN. SHE ENCOURAGED ME TO TAKE A STEP BACK AND ASK HER NOT TO FLOOD ME SO THAT I COULD BE WITH HER BUT FROM A DISTANCE. I ENDED UP DISSOCIATING AND FEELING ALL FLOATY AND SPACING OUT AND FEELING VERY UNREAL AND NOT IN TOUCH WITH REALITY SO WE STOPPED AFTER A FEW MINUTES AND JUST TALKED ABOUT GENERAL STUFF AND EILEEN HELPED ME ORIENTATE BACK TO THE PRESENT BY HAVING ME PRESS MY FEET INTO THE GROUND AND BREATHE AND THEN SHE SHOWED ME A TAPPING TECHNIQUE ITS CALLED EFT EMOTIONAL FREEDOM TECHNIQUE AND SHE TOLD ME TO GOOGLE IT. WHAT IT IS IS YOU FIND POINTS ON YOUR BODY PRESSURE POINTS AND LIGHTLY TAP THAT AREA AND ITS SUPPOSED TO HELP YOU IN SOME WAY. PERSONALLY I DIDNT FEEL ANY BENEFIT WHEN SHE TAPPED ME ON MY ARM BUT SHE SAID IF I DID IT OFTEN ENOUGH AND FOUND ALL OF THE PRESSURE POINTS AND TRIED OUT DIFFERENT ONES THAT IT IS A WAY OF CALMING DOWN AND REGULATING EMOTIONS AND SHE ENCOURAGED ME TO TRY IT OUT AND SEE HOW I GO SO I SAID I WOULD GIVE IT A GO. SO THAT WAS THE BULK OF MY TIME TODAY IN THERAPY, IF ANYONE HAS ANY THOUGHTS I’D LIKE TO HEAR THEM.
THANKS FOR READING
LIZ

I gave in and I called eileen

earlier this evening Eileen emailed me. She acknowledged all of the insiders who’d emailed her and said she hadnt picked their messages up until this evening and she was sorry she hadnt gotten back to any of us yesterday. I replied to her telling her we are not really ok, that we are sick, and overwhelmed, and that I’d tired all of the self sootheing and distraction techniques I could think of. I hit send and that was that.

A few minutes later I got an overwhelming urge to text her. I think younger parts were feeling like they needed her, I could feel them being close and so I decided to text. I sent a quick text asking her if she had a few minutes to talk, telling her it ws hard to stay present and could she call me if she had some free time. I sat then with my phone in my hand waiting. After about 10 minutes the phone rang, it was her. I quickly picked it up and we talked.

She asked how my weekend had been. I told her very bad. I said I’d gone to my moms last night. And just gone to bed early because I wasnt feeling well physically or mentally. I hate trying to be normal in front of my family, it puts way too much pressure on us so I just went to bed at like 7 PM. And I even slept all night. I didnt wake until 4 AM and that was only for a drink and to go to the bathroom. We talked about wendy and Liz not doing well, Eileen said rather than say that wendys suffering with depression, could I put a different word to it. I told her no, that wendys word was depression, eileen said from what she’s read from wendy it sounded like a hypo episode and that she is quite low in herself. She said we’d make time for her tomorrow. I told her I’d try not to get there too early tomorrow, because I didnt want a repeat of last week where there was someone else in her office. She said dont book the taxi too early, and I said how I worry if I am not a vfew minutes early for my session, that I’ll be late, because sometimes the taxi is a couple of minutes late. She said i shouldnt worry, that I’ve never been late to my session before. And she’s right, thats true. She reminded me to stay in the here and now, keep saying to myself this too shall pass, and all we have is now, tomorrow is another day, i said i’d try but I wasnt promising anything.

I was glad she called us though. I really felt cared for and like she was there for us and she heard us and validated what was going on for us. I’m glad I listened to those inner child parts urges and gave in and texted her.

BLACKNESS

I AM BEING ENGULFED IN DARKNESS AND BLACKNESS. A BIG DEPRESSION CLOUD HAS COME OVER ME. IT THREATENS TO SWALLOW ME UP. I NEED EILEEN. I EMAILED HER THIS MORNING TO TELL HER ABOUT HOW I AM FEELING. I SHOULDNT EXPECT HER TO RESPOND UNTIL MONDAY, I DONT THINK SHE CHECKS HER EMAIL AT WEEKENDS. RIGHT NOW I WISH SHE DID. I WISH SHE COULD TELL ME ITS GONNA BE OK, I WILL BE OK. I DONT FEEL LIKE I WILL BE. I JUST FEEL LIKE THEIR IS A HUGE WEIGHT ON MY CHEST AND ITS CRUSHING MY LUNGS AND I AM GASPING FOR AIR AND THE AIR WONT COME. ITS HORRIBLE.
WENDY

Random emails to our therapist eileen

a couple of us just wrote our therapist. we are very switchy tonight. and we felt we needed to connect with her. i hope she will respond to the emails tonight.

First here is mine

hi eileen
thank god those extra therapy sessions were approved. i was so nervous about it. every time we have to submit for more sessions i get so nervous that they wont approve them. it causes huge amounts of stress for us. i just hadnt said anything about it to you.
i’m so relieved and can breathe a huge sigh of relief now.
carol anne

and here is Taylors

we ar sick i fel yuky my throt hurts and we cant bref proprly i wana fel beter it no fun be sick it so boring all the day and carol anne was mad she culdnt go to singing tonite cuz ar throt hurt so much
taylor

And finally, liz’s

AND I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
SO DONT ASK A LOT OF QUESTIONS
I JUST, WELL FUCK WHO CARES
WHY SHOULD ANYONE CARE HOW I FEEL
I CALLED DR. BARRY A NOSEY BITCH THE OTHER DAY AND I AM NOT SORRY
SHE GOT ON MY NERVES
SHE SAID I HADNT CALLED HER THAT IN A WHILE
THAT WAS KINDA HILARIOUS, I WAS EXPECTING HER TO FLIP OUT ABOUT IT
I JUST FEEL LIKE DOING SOMETHING VERY IMPULSIVE
LIZ

I had a good dr. barry session yesterday

i never did this yesterday so doing it now…writing about yesterdays apt with dr. barry.
i had the last appointment of the day. that was ok, but i went there a little early, because i thought she might be done early and see me sooner than the allotted time. it wasnt to be though, the clinic was tearing busy. they were down a doctor so that was why.
when i went in i was very triggered. the wwaiting room had been very hot and it triggered flashbacks for us. so i asked dr. barry if i could get a glass of water. of course she gave me one and after calming down we were able to talk.
she had a student doctor in the room with her, she asked me if i wanted her to leave, but i said no. it turns out she was a very nice girl, because during our appointment dr. barry had to step out of the room twice and so i got to talk to her a little then.
anyway, the appointment. we talked about our appointment with mark, which i will write about later tonight. that was yesterday also. i told dr. barry i felt very not ok, yesterday was a trigger date, it was a ritual trigger date, a solar eclipse, i know that wont mean much to non survivors of ritual abuse but it was a date related to the cult and the abuse i we endured. i felt very emotional and kept having flashbacks and feeling very small, vulnerable and traumatised. we talked for a while about that. then i told dr. barry about therapy and the work wendy had done recently. i also told her that wendy and the dark insiders had admitted to eileen that they wanted to do something desperate at the weekend in order that they could get a response from her, dr. barry wondered if it was because they feel threatened somehow. i said i wasnt sure. she specifically asked about liz so i told her liz is not doing very well right now, and that she was refusing to talk to anyone, even dr. barry or eileen. in fact she actually called dr. barry a nosey bitch yesterday, not to her face, but to me when i suggested that she might like to talk to dr. barry. thats liz for you, dynamite if she’s set off. lately she’s resorted to her usual angry mode again, but i think its just because she has things going on for her. when i told dr. barry she’d been called a nosey bitch, she laughed and said oh, i havent been called that in a while now. i’m sure liz will tell us when she’s ready what is going on for her. thats what i love about dr. barry, she never pushes and always just waits to be told what is going on.
we talked a little about the case conference last week, she told me that they had had a big discussion around my therapy. that if for any reason i wouldnt be able to see eileen, what would i do. it was felt that as a system we’d need 10 years, if not more of therapy. i told her me and eileen have to submit forms for ongoing funding, every six months. she said she hadnt been aware of that. they’d been talking at the conference about possibly getting me a psychologist from the psychology team if i ever had to stop seeing eileen for any reason. but usually you can only see the psychologist for 12 months, 18 months max. she said she didnt even know if they’d take me on due to the did, it was something she’d have to discuss with the team some more. hopefully that wont ever need to happen, hopefully eileen and us can continue just the way we are going. i dont think i could see someone new, and begin all over again. that would just be too much of a huge deal for us as a system. so i am hoping the funding will be kept going for my current therapy.
we didnt talk about meds or sleep or any other of our symptoms, we ended up spending a huge amount of time on the therapy stuff and case conference and the thing about the junior doctor who’d found our blog which i wrote about yesterday.
next week i have the last appointment again, and probably will from now on now that I am starting back to college soon.

INTENSE THERAPY SESSION AND FOLLOW UP

YESTERDAY I HAD THEARPY TIME. THAT WAS VERY INTENSE. I DIDNT WANT TO BE THERE, I DIDNT WANT TO TALK, I DIDNT WANT TO DO THERAPY AT ALL. BUT I WAS NOMINATED TO BE THE SPOKESPERSON FOR THE DARK INSIDERS, SO I ENDED UP TALKING A WHOLE LOT. FIRST OF ALL I TALKED ABOUT A PAST ABUSER, HE HAD THREATENED ME, ON THE PHONE. HE TOLD ME I SHOULDNT TALK TO EILEEN, I SHOULDNT DISCLOSE ANY INFO AT ALL. I FELT LIKE I WAS DOING WRONG IN OPENING UP. LIKE I WAS GOING TO BE PUNISHED FOR IT. AND HE COULD GET TO ME, HE COULD DO SOMETHING TERRIBLE IF HE FOUND OUT I WAS SPEAKING ABOUT MY PAST. LOTS OF MY SYSTEM INSIDE WERE SCARED, THEY FELT LIKE WE COULD BE HURT LIKE WE WERE 2 YEARS AGO WHEN WE WERE ASSAULTED. THERE ARE INSIDERS WHO REPORT BACK TO ABUSERS, ITS PART OF THE RITUAL ABUSE. THEY TELL THEM WHAT WE’RE UP TO, WHATS GOING ON IN THERAPY ETC. ITS HARD TO BREAK THAT PATTERN, THEY FEEL LOYAL TO THE ABUSERS, HELL I USED TO FEEL LIKE THAT, SOMETIMES I STILL DO. AFTER TALKING SOME MORE ABOUT ALL THAT, I STARTED TO FEEL REALLY YOUNG, SO ME AND EILEEN WORKED WITH THE EMOTIONS OF THE YOUNG PART THAT WAS SURFACING. SHE WAS ABOUT 5, SHE FELT SAD, AND SHE JUST WANTED EILEEN. SHE NEEDED HER REASSURANCES AND LOVE. SHE STARTED TO FLOOD ME. I DID MY BEST BUT I STARTED TO GET FLOATY, AND DISORIENTATED. EILEEN WORKED TO SOOTHE THE PART, WE DIDNT HAVE HER NAME. BUT WE JUST KNEW SHE NEEDED TO BE HEARD. EILEEN HAD ME PLACE A HAND ON MY STOMACH AND ONE ON MY HEART, AND TRY TO FUNNEL MY WARMTH AND PROTECTION DOWN TO HER, BECAUSE SHE HAD ASKED ME HOW I FELT TOWARDS THIS PART AND I SAID PROTECTIVE. IT KIND OF WORKED BUT I KEPT GETTING OVERWHELMED. EVENTUALLY EILEEN HAD ME WALK AROUND THE ROOM WITH HER TO GROUND ME BACK TO THE PRESENT. THAT WAS HELPFUL. WE ALSO DRANK A GLASS OF WATER EACH TOO WHICH HELPED, THE COLDNESS OF THE WATER HELPED. I LEFT OK BUT THIS MORNING I GOT TRIGGERED INTO THAT VERY YOUNG PART AGAIN AND COULDNT GET OUT OF THE TRAUMATISED STATE SO ENDED UP PHONING EILEEN AND WE MADE A ROOM INSIDE WHERE THAT PART COULD BE CONTRAINED. EILEEN SAID SHE DOESNT HAVE TO BE ON HER OWN IN THE ROOM, I OR SOMEONE ELSE INSIDE COULD GO IN AND COMFORT HER BUT THAT WE SHOULD TRY TO KEEP HER CONTAINED UNTIL WE ARE ABLE TO WORK MORE WITH HER IN SESSION AGAIN. THAT SEEMS LIKE A GOOD IDEA TO ME.
[WENDY



therapy monday

there is going to be two parts to this post. my part, and wendys part.
firstly my part. i didnt want to go to therapy yesterday, there was some apprehention and ambivalence about going…not from me, but from other insiders, but it trickled down to me, i started feeling their feelings and getting a lot of anxiety about going. one of them even managed to almost make me forget i had a therapy session, by blocking my thinking and almost making me forget the appointment.
i’m usually there a couple of minutes early. yesterday was no different. i got there with 10 minutes to spare. we pulled up, and the taxi driver began to lead me to the office. eileens office is an extention off the side of her house. so we get to the door and open it, usually there is no one in the room. anyway, eileen comes running to the door, and tells me someone is with her. i was like oh, ok? i can wait in the car? but she said no. she told the taxi driver to go and ushered me in to her house. all sorta feelings flooded me. like, for example, i am in her space, this is her kitchen, it doesnt feel right, yet it feels so good, i feel comforted knowing i am here, in her family home, will anyone come in? she had told someone I dont know who probably her husband that she needed the kitchen for a couple of minutes so could they leave. she sat me down on a couch in front of a warm fire and said to wait a couple of minutes and she’d be back for me. i sat there wondering and waiting, and playing with my phone. i was only there about 2 minutes before she came in to get me and bring me to her work office. but during that time my head was buzzing with all sorta feelings. this was her space! this felt good but was it wrong? i was already anxious and this just created a ton more anxiety!
eventually we sat down and we talked about it. i told her how i was feeling. she apologised that i had had to deal with someone else being there, that rarely happens. we talked through my feelings about being in her house and in her space. she totally got my dilemma and could appreciate why I felt how I did.
the rest of the session wendy had, and I’ll let her discuss her own part of it. I came back out at the end before we went home, I mostly always come out to take us home.