I feel so vulnerable this morning. Everything feels so raw. My head is fuzzy and my body feels so weird. Parts of me feel sad and overwhelmed. I wish I could call my therapist. I think that might help. But part of me doesnt want to bother her. Some parts were having a hard night last night. Two of the littles were really struggling. Taylor, who is six was hallucinating and seeing bugs. She always has that happen when she is having intense memories or flashbacks. Then Lexi whose also six was crying and saying she missed her friends in my partners system. There really is nothing I can do about that. My partner is still in the nursing home and I am not sure when she’ll be getting out. The kids dont understand this and miss talking to and playing with their friends in her system. I just think if I was able to hear my therapists voice that things would calm down. We texted at the weekend though so I dont want to keep bothering her and asking for extra support. I might send her a quick email though if I keep feeling this way this morning. I find it hard to concentrate on anything when I feel like this. Just putting it in an email to her might help.
I got to work with Eileen yesterday again. It was good to be able to talk to her. I thought at first that she didnt want to talk to me because at first she was talking with Carol anne asking her how I was doing and stuff so I thought that meant that she wasnt going to speak directly to me. But she did. We talked about Dr Barry and I told her that I felt upset that she wouldnt talk to me. Eileen said she was probably trying to protect me and look out for me, and that she knew I was struggling and didnt want to overwhelm me so thought it would be best if I just talked with eileen. We talked about my depression and I told Eileen that I felt that I was being pulled down, it felt like a huge weight was pressing on me. Then I told her I was pushing, trying to fight back. She asked me to stand away from the pushing and pulling, she told me to pretend I was standing on a stage, just looking down at myself, but away from the push pull parts of me. So I did that and it felt better. I was able to talk about my feelings and stuff without getting drawn into them. We talked again about parts, and intrajects. She asked me if I knew that I had parts, I told her sometimes yes I do know, but sometimes I get confused as to who is an inside part of me and the people that are outside of me. She said we’d work more on that over the coming weeks. I felt so tired after the session, like it totally drained me. I was glad though that I got to work with her again.
I just want to die. How come no one understands? I constantly feel like death is the only answer. Its horrible to wake up every day feeling suicidal. I tried to have fun last weekend, and I sorta did, but once I got home the horrible suicidal feelings returned. Maybe I’m just not meant to be happy. Maybe my life isnt meant to turn around. Our therapist says once I talk about the memories, let them go, that I will feel better. I am beginning to doubt that very much. Now that I have started sharing in therapy the flood gates have opened. Does it get worse before it gets better? Can anyone tell me? I dont think I can do this for much longer. I just want an end to the pain.
Its Jasmine. I wanted to write about therapy. Yesterday I talked to Eileen. I talked for almost all of our session. It was hard but I was able to talk and I felt better afterwords.
We talked about programming. and suicide. I told Eileen that I felt bad because I was always wishing I was dead or thinking about ways to die. Eileen said that must be a terrible burden to carry. She asked me if I’d like to experience life as it is now. Like if I’d like to do things and experience what life is like for us now. I said yes I would. So then we did an exercise to try to give me a glimpse in to our current life. It was so overwhelming. When Carol anne came back out Eileen asked her if she’d help me to experience some fun this weekend. And she said she would. That will be cool. I’ve never experienced any fun times. Mostly when I am out it is all about death, dying, and suicide. I cant imagine what it will be like to experience something fun and enjoyable. I’m willing to try though.
I also asked eileen if we could continue to work on my programming in therapy over the next couple of weeks to try to break some of it. She said yes and that she wants to help me and she’s happy that I want to finally be free and break free from the abusers and the abuse.
I’ve realised something tonight. I cant sleep unless I am absolutely exhausted. If I am upset, or triggered, then I dont sleep either. I really think I have that non 24 sleep disorder. I’ve heard of other blind people who have it. Well I think I probably have it too. I called my therapist earlier. I was emotional and unstable and feeling very unsafe. She teaches on Monday evenings so she didnt respond right away to my text. I knew she wouldnt and I was ok with that. I knew when she was able to respond she would. And she did. On her way home from her lecture she called. And we talked and it was so reassuring to hear her sootheing voice. It immediately calmed me. We talked for about 15 minutes. She told others inside not to flood me and to try to hold on until Thursday and she’d talk to them then. That reassurance seemed to reach everyone inside. Since the call we are all feeling much more secure and stability has returned. Now if only sleep would come? Its 3 AM. I have to be out the door to go to college at 7:45 AM this morning. I really doubt I’ll sleep tonight. So probably will just go make some tea and read up on blogs for a while.
therapy this week was chaotic. so much happened. ok where to start. we came in switchy and dissociative. taylor popped out and was very upset. she was crying and very triggered. she was trying to talk but kept crying and was unable to form words. eileen was very patient and sat with her and comforted her and asked her some questions. the thing is, i was nearby but i couldnt switch out with her. sometimes that happens. if one of us is out and upset, sometimes its hard to switch with someone else, you basically have to wait until the person whose upset calms down so that they can then step back from the front and allow another insider to come out. eventually taylor and i were able to switch places and i came out. it wasnt a smooth switch though, i was thrown into the body and it really jolted me. my head hurt and my neck was sore and i was thrown into all the emotional pain that taylor felt. so then eileen spent some time grounding me and orientating me to the present. we used containers and did exercises where we took things that were bothering me and put them in containers so that i could have some space to breathe. eventually when all that was done i was able to talk to eileen. i told her we were extremely triggered after talking with Dr Barry about the police report on Wednesday. since doing that we’d had suicidal insiders emerge, who had programming and were trying to act on it. it was very scary. there had also been a phone call from a past abuser, luckily nobody told them about the report, because if that info got out and got back to them god knows what would happen and who knows what danger we’d be in. i told eileen though that I feel its only a matter of time before it will get back to them. eileen asked me if it would be possible to talk to one of the insiders who is programmed to kill the body. i said i didnt know if they would talk but that i could try to push one of them to the front. so i did. and surprisingly one of them Jasmine came out and her and eileen talked. Jasmine is 24. she talked and I was able to listen. It felt strange to hear what she had to say and to hear her take on things. She said that whenever she even hears of someone dying by suicide that it triggers her programming. she also said how she constantly thinks of death. and about the best way to do it. she said she had been planning on wednesday night about how best to do it and succeed at it. eileen kept trying to tell her that if she succeeded not only would she be dead but we’d all be dead. she kept saying she wasnt afraid of dying. but sometimes she is scared of the doing it part. or of waiting to die once she’s done what she planned. she also told eileen she sometimes hears voices telling her kill herself or go ahead and just do it or she said that sometimes they tell her how worthless she is and how invaluable she is and how everyone wouldnt care if she was dead. they talked about the voices a lot. eileen told her that the voices she hears on the inside are parts of her and asked her if she realised this. she didnt so then they talked about that process and how her parts are all conflicted and how some of her parts are stuck in the past. as i said it was very interesting to me to listen to her perspective on things. i briefly came out again at the end of the session and i told eileen i would help support Jasmine even though inside I dont live anywhere near where she does. Also some of the dark insiders like Liz and Cora said they’d give her some support over the coming weeks. I’m sure they’ll talk again in therapy too. We told her we would share the police report with her when dr barry gives it to us. I dont know if I posted about that here? Dr Barry had to do up a report for the police after a sexual assault we suffered last year. She did the report up a year ago but we are only submitting it now because she that is Dr Barry felt we werent emotionally ready to go there. Anyway she is going to give us a copy for ourselves to keep of the report and we will in turn share it with Eileen.
day 12: write about 5 blessings in your life
1 my beautiful guide dog nitro.
2 my psychiatrist dr barry, and my therapist eileen.
3 my family
4 my friends
5 my health