Shattered pieces scattered

the shattered pieces have scattered

lost and covered in dust deep inside

how can i have hope of finding them

in the recesses where they hide

i dare not tread into the darkness

alone or even with you

i haven’t got protection

and i’ve never discovered the glue

what will put them back

and rebuild me whole again

what will seal them up

so the healing can begin

shattered pieces scattered far

jagged edges that are unforgiving

piercing the skin with fierce reality

causing a flow of red hot reliving

i turn my head and hold my breath

it’s not the pain but i can’t look

yesterday comes knocking often

it’s stolen today just like a crook

shattered pieces scattered

but every once in a while one’s found

i close my eyes and plug my ears

i don’t want to see or hear the sound

i haven’t gone looking for what’s in pieces

yet sometimes they find me

and i don’t feel strong enough

to know, and feel and see

Applying for a part time job

i have some awesome news this morning. i am going to be applying for a job! its a job to work as a peer support worker for the local community mental health team. this is right up my street and something i am passionate about! there are full time and part time positions available. I only want to go part time though. i have a week to turn in my application. last night i emailed the person who is dealing with queries. i wanted to find out if the interviewing panel would have access to my mental health notes. i also wanted to find out if it came to be that someone on the interview panel knew me or had worked with me in the past, how would that be handled. i am awaiting his response still. everyone is telling me to go for this though. eileen and i had a really good discussion last night about it. she said she feels i’d be really good at the job and very capable. that was so validating to hear her say that. she didnt think my past history of being in the mental health services would go against me, as this job is specifically for service users. what i’d be doing in the role is facilitating groups for other service users, along with other tasks. i’ll put the description of the job role below. i hope i can get this job! i’d be thrilled if i did. its a payed position and is pensionable too meaning if i was there longterm i’d get a pension when i retire. its through the HSE which is our local health service. so yeah, a great opportunity. Wish me luck.
Ok its not letting me put the description of the job here so if anyone wants to read it let me know and I’ll send it to you via email. Its really interesting.

The Peer Support Worker will be a full and integral member of the multi disciplinary team, providing formalised peer support and practical assistance to service users in helping them to regain control over their lives and their own unique Recovery Journey.

The Peer Support Worker will use their expertise gained through lived experience to inspire hope and recovery. They will facilitate and support information sharing to promote choice, self determination and opportunities for connection with local communities.

As a core member of the multi-disciplinary team, the Peer Support Worker will work alongside an agreed number of service users on a one to one and / or group basis. They will also co-work with their colleagues and will work under the supervision of line management.

The Peer Support Worker will take a lead role in embedding recovery values within the service in which they work, alongside other Recovery Champions and act as an ambassador for Recovery for the HSE with external agencies and organisations.

Under the direction of the nominated line manager the Peer Support Worker will:

Work with the multi-disciplinary team to deliver support to those individuals accessing the service.

Manage a case load in conjunction and in line with the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT) case load review practices.

Assume a coaching role supporting service users in developing personal recovery plans; this can be delivered individually or in groups.

Assist service users to identify their strengths, personal interests and goals.

Provide opportunities for service users to direct their own recovery based on the recovery principles of hope, control and opportunity.

Facilitate the individual to identify solutions, set goals, plan and move through and beyond the service.

Model/mentor a recovery process and demonstrate coping skills, using own experience of recovery.

Act as a role model to service users to inspire hope and share experience as a person in recovery.

Contribute, as appropriate, from a recovery perspective to the assessment, planning, implementation and review of care with the multi-disciplinary team.

Work together in a solution focused way with the service user and their carers or named person, encouraging and motivating individuals to take an active role in their own recovery including goal planning, in line with agreed care plans.

Provide service users with appropriate support and guidance in the management of their mental health; monitoring progress and feeding back to the multi-disciplinary team.

Promote and support independent living for service users, involvement in their local community and connections with family, friends and significant others.

Help prepare and accompany service users to appointments, therapeutic or social community based activities as appropriate.

Assist the service user to understand their rights and choices within the service and the supports available to access these.

Notify the Team Leader or their link person of any change in the service users circumstances and maintain all written records as instructed.

Report any untoward incidents, complaints or unusual occurrences to their Team Leader / Supervisor.

Plan and risk-assess with his/her team or line manager to work without close or direct supervision, in line with the local Lone Worker Policy and Procedures.

Participate in regular supervision sessions and work with Supervisor on ensuring that clients progress is relevant to their individual needs in line with agreed care plans.

Attend regular team and staff meetings.

Liaise with Team Leader / Supervisor regarding leave entitlements and adhere to HSE policies and procedures.

Promote equality of opportunity and good relations as outlined in the HSE Equality Policy.

Be aware of the Human Rights legislation in relation to the requirements of this post.

Have a working knowledge of HIQA standards as they apply to the role, for example Standards for Health Care, National Standards for the Prevention and Control of Health Care Associated Infections, Hygiene Standards etc

Observe all health & safety regulations, observe correct use of electrical equipment, ensure fire safety procedures are adhered to and report all faults to the appropriate authority.

Support, promote and actively participate in sustainable energy, water and waste initiatives to create a more sustainable, low carbon and efficient health service.

I’m not leaving you, your leaving me!

so last week in therapy me and eileen had a major discussion. Around getting better and what that would look like. and i told her we’re afraid. we dont want her to leave us. ever. to which she said to me:
“when its time to end therapy, it will be you who ends it, not me!”
That was a huge surprise to me. i hadnt ever thought of me doing the leaving. it seems so weird. right now it seems like that will never happen.
“it wont be now, or even a year or two away, but some day, it will happen!” she said.
“really?” I mused, “that will happen, I will end therapy?”
I cant quite comprehend it!
She said we have a long way to go before it will happen though. But eventually therapy will come to a natural end. I’ll be healed…whatever healed looks like.
I just cant believe that! Has anyone else ever thought of that, of what it will look like when your therapy ends?
I’m still reflecting on it now.
She wont leave me, but I will leave her eventually? Wow!

when two relationships collide

we saw dr. barry this morning. we had a lot to talk about with her.
eileen had called her on Monday after our therapy session. she called to talk to her about the fact that we were struggling with having two similar relationships, we werent clear on things surrounding our theraputic relationship with eileen, and the doctor patient relationship with dr. barry. there was some confusion within the system among the alters about it.
so we talked things over today with dr. barry. and she cleared things up for us. basically she said her role is to discuss treatment options. meds, symptoms, home life, etc. she said she does not have the same experience as eileen does and she isnt going to pretend that she does. she said she is not equipped to do trauma work and she wouldnt even begin to try.
she said she thinks that its important that either me liz, or carol anne comes to the appointments and that she needs to talk to one of us or someone older in the system to ensure our safety, thats ok, because its rare the kids come out during our appointments. occasionally they do and she will talk to them but she said today she felt it important that older insiders would come so in the future i am going to try to ensure that happens.
we talked about our attachment to her and she said she felt we were still insecure in our attachment. but she said we have made lots of progress in lots of areas but that we need to talk about the attachment and the challenges that brings up for us some more. we are also going to talk about the possibility of improving and being ok and that thats ok, its ok to actually be ok and improving, that we’re not going to lose support just because we might be doing a little bit better and have become more stable. she said she’s not fully convinced that we see that yet. i think she’s right.
for now we’re continuing to have appointments with her twice a week. she said she is doing that to keep us out of the hospital. i did ask her why she was doing it because recently we had considered increasing our therapy sessions and dr. barry had said she felt we shouldnt do that and then she went ahead and began to see us twice a week so that made me wonder what her motive was in that.
it was a good appointment and i am glad we discussed things. i left feeling much better and way less confused about our relationship with her.

working it out with dr. barry

so we had therapy today. and we spent the majority of th session talking about the rupture we had yesterday with dr. barry. recently in therapy we talked about our symptoms increasing and this likely happening because parts are afraid of improving, of getting better and of losing support from eileen. so when we talked about why parts wanted to be hospitalised it came about that its because they want dr. barry to take care of them. decide everything and look after them. take charge. then we somehow got on to the topic of moms and how some of the younger parts see dr. barry as a mother figure. but how she is not our bio mom and will never be. that was hard for us to admit. she is so different from our bio mom in so many ways. but the children in the system keep wishing she was their mom. just like they wish the same about eileen. yesterday when we had the rupture we felt anger towards her for saying things which we found difficult to hear. but at the same time there was this child like part of us that spontaneously hjust wanted to reach out and hug her. we wanted her to say hey i am not mad at you and i wont leave and it is ok we can work this out. i didnt think much about it at the time it happened but today when we talked in therapy about it all things clicked into place. we worked with a very young part about 4 or 5 and eileen told me to tell her that i would work it out with dr. barry and that she didnt have to worry about it that i carol anne would take care of it. and that is what i am going to do. it was a good therapy session. we felt very drained afterwords and came home and slept for 2 hours. i noticed something else though. this is the first time we’ve really had a rupture in our relationship with dr. barry. this is the first time too that I’ve shown any emotion full on crying in front of her. its a huge step forward i think that i was able to be so vulnerable in front of her. eileen thinks some parts are afraid to go further and put their trust in her even more than we have already done. i agree i think that is half the issue that is going on right now. its going to work out though i just know it will. i’ll make sure of it.

Bad news regarding PA hours

Yesterday during my Dr Barry appointment Karen the social worker came in to the appointment to, she had some bad news for me regarding my PA hours. There was a meeting last week and they decided that they weren’t going to give me any more hours. The reason? Default I was too independent. These are people who have never met me and you don’t even know me. They don’t know the first thing about me or my life only what they’ve seen written in letters. Everyone who has written letters for me has given me a really good letters of support. I’m very surprised that this decision was made. Actually on second thoughts? No, I’m not surprised at all. The hate Jesse who are the people who are supposed to be funding the hours are very slow to give money to anyone. A friend of mine who is blind has 40 hours a week. Karen said yesterday her issue was that there are not two types of blindness so if they’re giving it to one person why can’t they give the hours to me too. She said we would appeal the decision. I’m not looking for to that process. I think it will be a long and very drawn out process. When she told me yesterday about the news that they weren’t going to give me any more hours I kind of shut down. I found it very difficult to speak to put into words what I wanted to say. Both Dr Barry and Karen were very understanding. They realised that this was very hard for me to hear. They knew I was counting on getting extra hours and extra support. No I’m just going to have to face harder in order to get the help that I need. Nothing new I suppose. It’s always the same when you’re disabled, you have to fight for everything. I wish it would’ve been different but I’m ready for the face. I’m ready to take on the Hache SE so I hope they’re ready for a battle. Sorry there are some mistakes in this post I was dictating it from my phone and dictation doesn’t always work in my favour, I think Siri doesn’t understand my accent sometimes. I just wanted to write the post quickly that is why I dictated it. Have therapy in an hour, apprehensive about that. Not sure what we are going to talk about today, there is a lot to talk about though. Just don’t know where to start. Have been reading my book for the last half an hour. It’s getting really good, it’s the new Cathy Glass book can I let you go. I’d better go and start getting ready, will write more later.

I wish I could call eileen

its alicia. i’m scared. and i wish i could call eileen.
she’s at a conference though. so she wouldnt be able to talk to me. she’s busy.
that makes me sad. i need her. i need her to know how sad and scared i am.
i been having memories and its very scary. they arent any fun. i just want to tell her about them.
she would understand. she would hear me and she is a good listener. maybe she would be able to give me ideas for what to do to stop the memories.
i might text her. then when she’s not busy she might reply to me. i think i will do that. then she’ll know i’m struggling.
alicia age 9