reaching out

i am not ok. right now i wish i could call eileen. i could really use her support. i just feel alone, and sad. so sad. and its night time again. almost 11 PM. fucking night time. i hate it. I just want to scream. everything about the night triggers me. absolutely everything. i think i’ll have a shower. the shower helps me so maybe if i have one now it will help. maybe i can run the water and cry where nobody can hear me. i’ll just be crying silent tears. think i’m gonna be up for the night. if anyones around, could use some support. just feeling so overwhelmed and in that want to end it place, where suicide looks very appealing.

alicia, mom issues

it is me allie and i feel so sad. our mom doesnt accept us insiders she is weirded out by us. that makes me want to cry. i just want to be seen and loved. but she hates me.
she calls me a mood. when i come out and try to talk to her she tells us to quit acting babyish or stop being silly or grow up. it hurts.
i just want a mom. i want a mom to accept me and love me and care for me, read me stories sing me songs, play with me sometimes. is that too much to ask for?
i just want to be real. i am just a kid in a grown up body. i am only 9. being 9 is hard sometimes. i am not mature enough to do grown up things. i love doing kid things. but i have no one to do them with except my inside sisters and brothers.
i keep asking dr. barry and eileen to adopt me. they keep saying no. its not possible. it makes me mad and sad and makes me wish that i had a fairy godmother.
will i ever have a mom who loves me?
will i always be so sad?
will the pain ever stop?
alicia age 9

afraid to get well

i’ve talked about this before but i need to talk about it some more. in therapy lately we’ve been discussing stability and becoming well. i find that every time we start to level off, become stable, we panick. then something happens, we slide, go downhill again. i think it is because we are afraid of losing our support. we are afraid of losing dr. barry and eileen. so we think we need to stay a certain way in order to keep them. its sad really. we are trying hard to overcome this. eileen tells us that recovery is not linear. and i try to believe her. i am just so used to people leaving, going away, its all i know. i’m not used to people sticking around. seeing us through. hoping this gets easier in time. and that it will feel less scary. right now it feels very very scary.

tough conversations and realisations

so i talked today with dr. barry about the stuff i mentioned in the last post. she was really receptive and also really practical. i really felt understood and validated. i came out of there feeling much better. i was glad i brought up the issues from last weeks session. when i told her how i was feeling, and how i thought we werent on the same page about stuff, she listened to the reasons i had for that. she said that the problem i seem to be having is that when she says something to me like “you are coping” or that I am managing my feelings well, that I see that as her not validating my distress and my struggles, and that no matter what she says it wouldnt matter because my emotional brain is finding it hard to catch up, that rationally i know she cares, i know she is hearing me, but emotionally i’m not there. and she has a point. she gave me an example of an addict who is anxious. and say the addicts psychiatrist says they arent giving them meds for the anxiety, that they should try some other approach. she said it doesnt matter what the psychiatrist says after that, the addict only hears no meds and panicks, because they think meds are the only option to validate their struggle. dr. barry said that she thought i was thinking she didnt care about me, because she said I was coping well. when in actuality she really does care and knows i am distressed and struggling. she said that the fact that meds, or hospital didnt come in to it, the fact that she uses a different approach and so does eileen is probably scaring me, because in the past hospital and meds were always used as the options when i was suicidal. i said thats because no doctors or therapists knew what to do with me. they all struggled to help us. both her and eileen are the first people to really be able to break through to us and i am thankful that they have. she asked me am i afraid, afraid of going back to the place i was in before, where overdosing was second nature, where i’d be constantly overdosing to show people how desperate i was, how distressed i felt, and wanting them to see that so I was doing it in the only way i knew how, that was by trying to end my life. i said that yes i was afraid and stress and being stressed out about so many things wasnt helping any. we talked about the stressers, and dr. barry said we should do a little bit more planning for when her or eileen were next on vacation. i agreed that yes we need to do that. i left feeling much calmer and way better about things. i thanked dr. barry on my way out for always being there and listening to me go on and on. she said it was her pleasure to listen to me and she was glad we could be honest with one another and she asked me if i felt we were both on the same page again, of course the answer was yes.

neediness

I feel so needy. I want to email my therapist a pathetic whiny email asking her to connect with me. I think she will understand where I am coming from. But part of me doesnt want to do it. Part of me says no i cant. Part of me is scared. Scared of being vulnerable. I hate this feeling.

Therapy Tuesday

Yesterday was therapy day. We had a good appointment. It was very productive.
We mostly talked about managing feelings and emotions. I told Eileen that I’d been very suicidal the past week while she was on vacation. I told her it had been hard to be alone, and trying to manage. She asked me if I felt abandoned and at first I said no. Logically I know we werent abandoned, I know she only went on vacation, but deeper than that, it did kinda feel like we’d been abandoned to some of the younger insiders.
That conversation led on to some other conversations about times some years ago when we’d taken a lot of overdoses back to back, Eileen said it made sense to her, that we’d been in that overwhelming place, where everything felt unmanageable, and so we’d gone from overwhelm to shut down mode. And now the shut down mode was coming through again. She wondered why that was. So we talked about it and I came to realise that the part that is shutting down is trying to protect me. Trying to protect me from perceved abandonment. That is why we were feeling so suicidal last week. Eileen had me make out a list of what is different in our life now to back then. And there is a lot. For instance, where we live, what we are doing with our life now, our support system is different, just so many differences.
It was a good session and it left me with a lot to reflect on.

i wish i could see

i wanted to color a picture for eileen. give it to her as a welcome home present tomorrow. but of course i cant because i am not able to see and so it would look like a bunch of scribbles. and thats dumb. i dont wanna give her a bunch of scribbles.
i feel mad and sad and like everything is stupid and i want to scream and shout and punch something.
its not fair!
why do i have to be blind? i hate it.
alicia