Its Jasmine. I wanted to write about therapy. Yesterday I talked to Eileen. I talked for almost all of our session. It was hard but I was able to talk and I felt better afterwords.
We talked about programming. and suicide. I told Eileen that I felt bad because I was always wishing I was dead or thinking about ways to die. Eileen said that must be a terrible burden to carry. She asked me if I’d like to experience life as it is now. Like if I’d like to do things and experience what life is like for us now. I said yes I would. So then we did an exercise to try to give me a glimpse in to our current life. It was so overwhelming. When Carol anne came back out Eileen asked her if she’d help me to experience some fun this weekend. And she said she would. That will be cool. I’ve never experienced any fun times. Mostly when I am out it is all about death, dying, and suicide. I cant imagine what it will be like to experience something fun and enjoyable. I’m willing to try though.
I also asked eileen if we could continue to work on my programming in therapy over the next couple of weeks to try to break some of it. She said yes and that she wants to help me and she’s happy that I want to finally be free and break free from the abusers and the abuse.
I’ve realised something tonight. I cant sleep unless I am absolutely exhausted. If I am upset, or triggered, then I dont sleep either. I really think I have that non 24 sleep disorder. I’ve heard of other blind people who have it. Well I think I probably have it too. I called my therapist earlier. I was emotional and unstable and feeling very unsafe. She teaches on Monday evenings so she didnt respond right away to my text. I knew she wouldnt and I was ok with that. I knew when she was able to respond she would. And she did. On her way home from her lecture she called. And we talked and it was so reassuring to hear her sootheing voice. It immediately calmed me. We talked for about 15 minutes. She told others inside not to flood me and to try to hold on until Thursday and she’d talk to them then. That reassurance seemed to reach everyone inside. Since the call we are all feeling much more secure and stability has returned. Now if only sleep would come? Its 3 AM. I have to be out the door to go to college at 7:45 AM this morning. I really doubt I’ll sleep tonight. So probably will just go make some tea and read up on blogs for a while.
therapy this week was chaotic. so much happened. ok where to start. we came in switchy and dissociative. taylor popped out and was very upset. she was crying and very triggered. she was trying to talk but kept crying and was unable to form words. eileen was very patient and sat with her and comforted her and asked her some questions. the thing is, i was nearby but i couldnt switch out with her. sometimes that happens. if one of us is out and upset, sometimes its hard to switch with someone else, you basically have to wait until the person whose upset calms down so that they can then step back from the front and allow another insider to come out. eventually taylor and i were able to switch places and i came out. it wasnt a smooth switch though, i was thrown into the body and it really jolted me. my head hurt and my neck was sore and i was thrown into all the emotional pain that taylor felt. so then eileen spent some time grounding me and orientating me to the present. we used containers and did exercises where we took things that were bothering me and put them in containers so that i could have some space to breathe. eventually when all that was done i was able to talk to eileen. i told her we were extremely triggered after talking with Dr Barry about the police report on Wednesday. since doing that we’d had suicidal insiders emerge, who had programming and were trying to act on it. it was very scary. there had also been a phone call from a past abuser, luckily nobody told them about the report, because if that info got out and got back to them god knows what would happen and who knows what danger we’d be in. i told eileen though that I feel its only a matter of time before it will get back to them. eileen asked me if it would be possible to talk to one of the insiders who is programmed to kill the body. i said i didnt know if they would talk but that i could try to push one of them to the front. so i did. and surprisingly one of them Jasmine came out and her and eileen talked. Jasmine is 24. she talked and I was able to listen. It felt strange to hear what she had to say and to hear her take on things. She said that whenever she even hears of someone dying by suicide that it triggers her programming. she also said how she constantly thinks of death. and about the best way to do it. she said she had been planning on wednesday night about how best to do it and succeed at it. eileen kept trying to tell her that if she succeeded not only would she be dead but we’d all be dead. she kept saying she wasnt afraid of dying. but sometimes she is scared of the doing it part. or of waiting to die once she’s done what she planned. she also told eileen she sometimes hears voices telling her kill herself or go ahead and just do it or she said that sometimes they tell her how worthless she is and how invaluable she is and how everyone wouldnt care if she was dead. they talked about the voices a lot. eileen told her that the voices she hears on the inside are parts of her and asked her if she realised this. she didnt so then they talked about that process and how her parts are all conflicted and how some of her parts are stuck in the past. as i said it was very interesting to me to listen to her perspective on things. i briefly came out again at the end of the session and i told eileen i would help support Jasmine even though inside I dont live anywhere near where she does. Also some of the dark insiders like Liz and Cora said they’d give her some support over the coming weeks. I’m sure they’ll talk again in therapy too. We told her we would share the police report with her when dr barry gives it to us. I dont know if I posted about that here? Dr Barry had to do up a report for the police after a sexual assault we suffered last year. She did the report up a year ago but we are only submitting it now because she that is Dr Barry felt we werent emotionally ready to go there. Anyway she is going to give us a copy for ourselves to keep of the report and we will in turn share it with Eileen.
day 12: write about 5 blessings in your life
1 my beautiful guide dog nitro.
2 my psychiatrist dr barry, and my therapist eileen.
3 my family
4 my friends
5 my health
Yesterday during therapy we discussed something that happened during last weeks session. Last week, Eileen and me were talking about me being a partner in our work, about us working collaboratively with each other. Eileen had said that she saw me as an equal in the therapy process. Then she said “I dont see you as someone who needs to be cared for” “It is not my job to care for you”. At the time I didnt say anything about what she’d said, but later that night when I went home and was writing about my therapy session, things started to hit me, thoughts, feelings, everything came crashing down around me. Parts of me were feeling sad, angry, overwhelmed, let down, disappointed, vulnerable, I started to wonder, does she care at all? Am I imagining she does when actually she doesnt? The thing is it was so confusing, because, a week earlier, we’d had an exchange during our session that I felt was so raw, so real, so honest…she’d said to me that she hated how I was alone and on my own during this difficult time of year, how she hated that I felt so unsafe. I knew when she said that that her words came from the heart. That she meant them and was being sincere adn not just saying things just to please me or something. So that is where the confusion lay. She cared, but she’d said I didnt need to be cared for? She wasnt going to take care of me? It wasnt her job? So yesterday we discussed this and after we did it made a lot more sense. She apologised for saying what she did, in the way that she did. She said it definitely wasnt her intention to hurt me or cause me pain and grief and harm. I said how I felt about it, that I was confused, let down, disappointed, and I felt disconnected from her because of what she’d said. She said being cared for is not the same as being cared about. That she cares about me but that she isnt going to care for me because she knows I have the resources and am very capable of caring for myself. That to care for me would be like her taking me by the hand and saying now you need to do this, or that, for example you need to put on your coat, eat every day, come here and be here for a certain time…etc. That the fact that I show up each week at our arranged time, for example, means that I know enough to know my schedule, I am taking care of my own arrangements, I am not so sick and stuff that I cant care for my self. I hadnt thought of it like that. Then she said me using the word treatment for our therapy process is not really ok, because doctors treat patients, therapists dont. She does not consider herself to be treating me. A client is not a patient. Psychotherapy is not the same as for example a doctor who treats a patient with tablets, in order to fix a problem. She said I do not need fixing in her opinion. Therapy is about her guiding me to come to my own resolutions. When she put it like that it made much more sense and I felt much better about it. I knew deep down that she always cared for me and about me. It was just the two exchanges were getting so mixed up and muddied in my mind. Then I was focusing on the negative connotation that I thought she’d said when she really hadnt meant to be negative at all or to upset or hurt me in any way. It was so good to be able to talk it all out yesterday. So freeing. And Eileen was so happy that we did. She said she was so glad I’d decided to mention it to her. I told her I wasnt going to say anything about it. And she was like “I’m so glad you did”.
i have therapy tomorrow. i’m nervous. i shouldnt be, but i am. i cant help it. there is some tough stuff that i need to discuss. mainly it is about the rape we went through last easter. the rape that ended us up in the hospital, in the psych ward for our birthday and easter and the trauma we went through after it, examinations, reporting to the police, etc. talking with dr barry today about the report she did up for the investigation has led to me being seriously triggered tonight. earlier i could not find words to say how i felt. i emailed eileen and just said i am having real trouble finding my voice. i know she will understand what i mean. but then later i did manage to write again to her and talk a little bit about what caused me to shut down and about how i felt. i know we need to go deeper with it though in therapy. discuss it more than we have which isnt very much at all. i dont know why i’m so scared. i trust eileen. i feel safe with her. i know she’ll understand. and empathise and be compassionate. so why am i so hesitant, scared, afraid to let it out? its baffling to me. but i really do need to try. and i will i guess. the thing is my memory surrounding that time is foggy sometimes, but then during flashbacks it isnt. more weirdness. i wish things werent so complicated and were more clear and i wish too that i was just able to feel my damn feelings and not this roller coaster of emotions and then nothing for a long time and then back to full on freak out mode again. its really throwing me for a loop. i hope tomorrow goes well. if i am brave enough i’ll bring it up that is if there is time. other insiders want time so i am not sure what will come out of that or if i will have much time during the session. i suppose i could always flag it at the beginning, say i need some of the session time. and i may just do that too.
So I mentioned in a previous blog that I got my exam results yesterday. I could not wait to share my good news with my therapist. When we went for lunch, I quickly ate and then went outside with Nitro to let him pee. While I was outside I sent my therapist Eileen a text. I checked to see if it had delivered, but it hadnt. I thought maybe she’s not on wifi or something so she cant recieve imessages and when she is back home she’ll get it. All day I waited for a response. Waited and waited. Part of me felt angry, why isnt she responding? This is important. I need her to respond. The more I waited the angrier I got. I felt annoyed that it was taking her so long to reply. Eventually when it was 7 PM I caved and called her. I knew she’d be in a lecture then, she teaches on Monday and tuesday evenings. So I called and decided I’d leave a voice mail. I left a message telling her I’d texted her and wondering if she’d gotten it, of course I also told her about my exam results. I felt disheartened and sad that I hadnt been able to talk to her in person or exchange some texts about it. Then, at 10:30 pm she finally responded. I grabbed my phone and almost dropped it I was in such a hurry to read what she’d written. She said how she was delighted for me that I’d done so well, that I must be thrilled, and she congratulated me. I felt so loved. Her words deeply touched me. All my previous annoyance and anger disapated. My heart melted and I soaked up the love. This is what it feels like to be truly cared about. Its nice. More than nice. Its amazing.