its me allie. im bored. is anyone around? im soooo bored.
I wanna email Eileen. maybe I can tell her about what I did today. that wasn’t much. but she likes hearing about the fun I have. so maybe Ill jus email her and tell her about my very boring day.
im still waiting on the new books carol anne ordered for me. I wish they’d hurry up and get here. I want to take them in to Eileen for her to read to us.
I’ve no patience. ha ha! at least that’s what the bigs tell me!
I am allie no patience! ha ha!
I wanna tell everybody happy thanksgiving! enjoy it. I wish we had thanksgiving here. we do have black Friday. that is cool. we’re not going shopping though tomorrow.
im getting a diet coke tomorrow though! cant wait!
Well gotta go now! Grown ups said so!
I be fraid of the dark
I no want to go sleep
I fraid of bad peple
thay go get me
I kno it
I know they wil
I don wanna hav nitemares ether
im fraid of dem too
I emailed Eileen
I wish she cud hug me now
I wish she wus here
I lisened to her readin to us
that help me feel beter a little
I glad I hav some recordings of her readin to us
we ar getting som new books soon too
some new ones for her to read to us
thay haven’t com in the mail yet
I go pat nitro
hes sleepin rite now tho
I wil hav ta wake him
therapy today was great. i feel fantastic after our session. it was hard, but really good too. i’ve never felt so held, so contained, so loved as i did today in the session. we worked today with the very young parts, like infant and toddler parts. it all started out with me telling eileen about last night. about the really intense neediness we felt, how we wanted to reach out to her, we felt that intense attachment pain, and how it scared us. her take on it was that we’re reaching a new level of trust now with her. and so our need for connection is intensifying too. she said thats fine, i felt really embarrassed, like it wasnt ok, but she kept reassuring me that it was. we sat talking for a few minutes. i was talking to her about the intense need we felt, about how it felt like baby parts, like parts without verbal skills or who had no words. so she was talking about what they needed. she asked me, is it ok if I come over and hold you? I said that’d be ok. So she came over and she went behind me and she put her hands on my shoulders, in a sorta holding position, and let me lean back into her. She held us like that for most of the session as we talked about the infant parts and what they might need. we talked about creating an inside nursery for them. and what we might put in there. we talked about what babies need, what they like, what makes them feel safe. it felt so validating. the holding was so grounding. it was also very sootheing. it calmed us down a lot. i didnt even dissociate like i normally do. i think it was mostly that eileen was there, holding me, helping me to feel present in my body. i asked her if she got all the emails people sent last week. she said yes. i apologised and said i was sorry that there were so many of them. she told me that it was ok, that she felt honoured that insiders were trusting her enough to share with her, and that she didnt mind the amount of emails that there had been at all. we talked about the feelings the intense neediness brought up in us. i told her there was fear, and someone wanted to bolt, and more just wanted to be with her, and there was also anxiety and a feeling that we may get in to trouble for this. she said she welcomed all of the feelings in the therapy room. after a while of holding us and us talking she told me she was going to take away her hands now. i liked that she told me she was going to do that and she didnt just do it very suddenly. after she took her hands off my shoulders she handed me a fluffy blanket. here, she said, this is for the very young parts. we took it and immediately the kids wanted to hide underneath it. they wanted to wrap up in it. she wrapped us up in it and we felt so safe. so warm. so loved. we felt comfort and a huge wave of happy swept over us. she said she was going to keep that blanket there for us. that we can use it any time we want to. she said she thought we needed something comforting while we finished up our session. at the end of our session she talked to me a little bit about her training. she said they’d learned a lot about how trauma is held in the body, about tracking it in your nervous system, about trauma in general, and about using touch in therapy. she has two more years of training left, she goes to the UK twice next year and twice the year after, but she also has to do study groups here in ireland, practical work, etc. so its not just that she goes to the UK and thats all. It was really interesting and I liked hearing about what she’s learning. I think its really going to benefit us in our work together.
Time to go to therapy! Oh I am excited!
Two whole weeks since we’ve seen Eileen! I need a big bear hug from her!
I am so looking forward to our session!
Im sure it’ll be amazing! And productive too!
Better get moving now or I’ll be late!
IM FEELING INCREDIBLY UNSTABLE. I KNOW WE’LL SEE EILEEN TOMORROW. IT JUST SEEMS A LIFE TIME AWAY. LOGICALLY I KNOW ITS A FEW HOURS. BUT RIGHT NOW I WANT TO HUG HER. I MISS HER SO SO MUCH. I FEEL VERY YOUNG. I FEEL VERY CLINGY. LIKE I WANT TO CLING TO HER LEGS, OR HOLD HER HAND AND HUG HER AND NOT LET GO. I FEEL SO INCREDIBLY SAD. AND LIKE BURSTING INTO TEARS. I ACTUALLY DONT THINK I CAN HOLD IT IN. I WONDER IF I CRY WILL I BE ABLE TO STOP? I JUST FEEL SO YOUNG. I FEEL SO ON EDGE. SO VULNERABLE TOO. LIKE A VERY YOUNG DISTRESSED PART IS HERE. SO NOT SURE IF ITS A PART OF ME, OR ANOTHER VERY YOUNG INSIDER. IT KINDA FEELS LIKE A YOUNGER PART OF MYSELF THOUGH. I JUST DONT KNOW. ALL I DO KNOW IS I FEEL TREMENDOUSLY NEEDY RIGHT NOW. I NEED EILEENS REASSURANCE, I NEED HER COMFORTING HUGS AND HER REASSURING WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT, AND OF COMFORT. I’LL HAVE TO WAIT ABOUT 15 MORE HOURS THOUGH. TIME IS TICKING BY SOOOO SLOWLY. I JUST WANT TOMORROW MORNING TO COME, I NEED IT TO COME QUICK.
Eileen just emailed me. She’s home. She’s home and she’s ok and safe!
What a huge relief that is!
She forgot her phone though! She left it behind her left it in england, so she said she was waiting for it to arrive in the post!
I was like OMG! If I forgot my phone I’d die!
My phone is literally tied to me hahaha! I cant leave it out of my hand!
She’s home though! And she said she’s so proud of us for being able to manage our huge feelings. And we will see her on Monday, yay!
Strange how I emailed instead of texting, normally I’d have texted her. And then she wouldnt have got it as her phone is in england still! Strange how I thought to email instead! A coincidence or someone watching over me making sure I got in touch with her somehow!
Who knows, but I sure am glad I decided to email her!