The overwhelm has hit

I feel very overwhelmed. It kinda came out of nowhere. I just feel really agitated. I am also starting to feel depressed. I am having body memories. It sucks. I hate them. Memories suck but body memories are the absolute pits. I dont want them! I want to relax! I emailed eileen. I hope she responds! I really feel so bad at the moment! After such a lovely day I dont know where this came from! My mood has just nose dived all of a sudden! Arrrg!

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I am 2 years hospital free!

Today marks 2 years that we’ve been out of the psych ward! No admissions in the past 2 years! This feels awesome! I feel really great!
I cant believe I have gone so long without an admission! I am going to do something really fun today to celebrate! I might even treat myself to something nice like icecream, or a latte, or something that I dont have often now that I am dieting!
This feels like a huge accomplishment! A huge success!
There was a time when hospital was all I knew! I was in there more than I was out!
Thank god those days of admissions are behind me!
I can never say never, because there may come a time when we need to be in there, but for now I am out and I am so thankful!
And thanks too goes to eileen and dr. barry, without them I couldnt have done it! I wouldnt have had any stability at all without them! So a big thanks goes to them too!
So happy 2 year anniversary to me!
Heres to another 2 or 5 or 10 years hospital free!

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The comedown

I’m on a bit of a downer tonight. I think I’m on a downer because I am now home from killarney. It was so much fun, I got spoiled, I had a blast and I didnt want it to end.
It sucks to be back to normality, back to reality. Back to my routine. I know we all need normality, routine, but man I wish I had another vacation booked.
I’m going to book one soon though. I am planning on taking mom and my sister away as a birthday present to my sister who turns 30 in a few weeks. We wont go probably until the end of the summer, but we will pick somewhere good, and go, just the 3 of us. We hardly ever get to do that, usually we have the kids with us.
I just feel kinda depressed tonight. And I kinda wish eileen wasnt off this week. I hadnt been thinking about her much, but then all of a sudden today I started thinking about her, I didnt even text her on easter, which is not normal for me, normally I would text her to wish her a happy easter. But I said I’d leave her be, leave her enjoy her break…she needed it.
I think I might send her an email. I feel like I need that connection with her. Even if she doesnt respond, she’ll read it when she has a chance, thats enough for me, its enough to know she is reading it.
I just feel bla, edgy, and very agitated right now.
I think I’m in for a long night. I dont think sleep is coming any time soon.
ug sigh!

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therapy today was draining, and other random stuff

busy day today here with therapy this morning and then work this afternoon. I am so wrecked now. absolutely shattered and just feeling so drained. feel like i’ve been hit by a frait train. i am trying to unwind, watching tv and maybe going to read in a little while.
therapy was hard. darks got time to talk about contact from abusers and their feelings around that. they also talked about last week and eileen managed to get it out of one of them why we didnt come in. I will try to write about it at some point, or have Kelli the teen who actually talked to eileen write about it.
I just really feel like having an early night tonight. I am shattered.
I dont know if I can though. Not sure how our sleep will be. We didnt do well last night as we had a storm here, wind and lots of rain and it was lashing off the windows and keeping us up.
Going to try for an early night though, if I can I will have one. I am working again tomorrow afternoon. Also, got on to tech support for my broadband as it keeps dropping the connection, and they made an apt to come out to me on thursday morning, to look at it and see what the problem might be.
At least my morning is free tomorrow, I can relax for the morning before working in the afternoon, work was good today, despite the weather being bad, the atmosphere in the office was awesome.

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Woken by the wind…unable to get back to sleep…

So I got woken by gusty winds. Its wild out there guys! Really wild!
Now I cant go back to sleep! I keep thinking weird things! Frightening thoughts. Scary scary thoughts. I hate this!
Its 3:41 AM. I’m wide awake. So might as well make a cup of something, chose to make some coffee.
I’m kinda nervous about our therapy session this morning. I wonder how it will go. I get anxious just before session a lot. But because we didn’t show up last time, and I know Eileen wants to get to the bottom of it as to why, that’s making me a little more anxious than usual.
I trust Eileen though. I know if anyone can get the full story as to what is up she can. I just have to leave her to it. She is kind, gentle, compassionate, caring, she will help whoever is scared of therapy right now to talk about why.
Well better go drink my coffee before it gets cold. I hate cold coffee. 😛

AN EMAIL FROM OUR THERAPIST!

HERE IS WHAT MY THERAPIST EILEEN SAID, IN RESPONSE TO SOMETHING I WROTE HER ABOUT OUR ABUSERS AND ABOUT US CHANGING EMAIL ADDRESSES.

Hi Liz,
Thank you for the change of email address. I do hope things have settled down somewhat now that you are at your parents house. I get your anger and upset at missing the session and feeling of helplessness as to what actually happened. We will get to it on Monday. Breathe….
In the meantime have a good weekend, all will be well!
Regards
Eileen

LOVE HER! SHE IS SO REASSURING!
LIZ

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Struggling a lot

We’re really struggling. Just feel so down…so so low. Couldnt even get out of bed this morning. Have stayed there all day. We didnt even go volunteering. Just feel so depressed. Feel like its just so hard to cope. So hard to want to keep going on. Just feeling this intense overwhelm. Wendy and Liz wrote eileen last night. We did get an email from someone from our past. We didnt respond. But the next couple of weeks are going to be full of emails and phone calls from past abusers trying to pull us back in. always at easter time and around our birthday which is on april 19th. God I hate it. We’re not responding but just getting that level of contact is enough to send us spiraling. Easter and our birthday are always hard for us anyway besides the contact. Lots of bad memories around that time of the year for us. I just feel like isolating. I know I shouldnt. I know thats not good and it wont help. If anyone could I’ll take a hug or some supportive thoughts or good vibes. I’m really hoping to break out of this func. I’m even debating not going to college in the morning. I just feel so unmotivated. Like I cant do it I just cant go. I probably will go though. I just want to stay in bed, hide from the world.

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