Symptom review

Eileen just emailed us. She said she recieved a phone call from the person in charge in the organisation towards healing, that funds our therapy, to check in around how we were doing, and whether remy had done a review. He said last year that he’d do one in a years time.
Eileen wanted to know if I wanted her to email the questionaire to me, or did I want to fill it in next week during our session. I told her I’d prefer to fill it in with her, so that if I need help she can give me help with it.
Now I am nervous. I am wondering how we’ll do on it. And where we are now with our symptoms etc.
I guess we’ll know more next week. I have a feeling we’re going to be in a similar place to last time we filled it in. No drastic or big changes I’d say and its possible our symptoms have even worsened since then.

This is Sirena

im sirena, and im 13. I thought i’d write.

I am feeling like I want to cut. I didn’t, but I want to. it sucks. I feel frustrated and irritated. I want the kids to stop whining and crying, there really is no point to it is there? I mean, what is it going to fix for them to be so needy?

I cant stand it. the reason I cant stand it is this. when we’d cry all those years ago, no one came. no one helped us. no one cared. we were just left there, left to cry ourselfs to sleep.

it hurt then, and it still hurts now. but when the kids cry now, I cant stand it. I cant stand the noise, or the feelings it brings up for me. why have hope? hope is just stupid. I don’t have any hope. hope didn’t help me get through. I know some of us had hope though.

but tonight I just feel mad, mad, and angry. and I cant cope. and I want to scream. and I want the kids to just hush. shut up. please cuz its just grating on my nerves.

I talked to Eileen today. we had a good chat. she told me its ok if I don’t have words, I didn’t for a while. I couldn’t talk. I felt too anxious. too agitated. too overwhelmed.

eventually I did manage to chat to her. she knew I was struggling, so she made small talk with me for a while. that helped a bit. it meant I didn’t have to think about my feelings. or think about the kids whining and being upset.

I hate that they are so needy. I hate needing anyone or anything. I just hate it. I feel like we shouldn’t need. its not good. its wrong and it leads to more issues.

I’m just sad. sad and mad and angry. I just want a break from my emotions, and from my head. my head is a scary place right now. very scary.
sirena age 13

taylor and Eileens therapy time

me gots tok to eileen today! i was hapy bout it!
we tok bout felings
she said i am so smart
cuz i tol her that it is beter to tok bout felings
that to do bad fings
and i told her that some the teens ar bein mean to me!
she said that the teens ar jus actin tough
but they ar realy hurting for me
cuz las nite i was stressed
i was destresed and skard and trigered
and havin halucinations and seein blood
and eileen said that mus’ve ben hard
and it was!
but the teens serena and missy and clara
thay was all mean to me!
they call me psycho!
psycho girl!
i no like it
it hurts my felings!
eileen taked me on a walk today
all over her ofise
and she let me touch everything!
she said it good to know whats there!
and she even has a toy!
a thing that you can stretch and it like a bracelet
and you can make it spring up and down!
it fun!
i liked lukin at that
eileen said im a special litle girl
cuz she said im smart and brave and i know lotsa stuf!
and she said im smart to tell the adults wat i need!
cuz i tol carol anne i need her to sit wif me
and hug me
and tel me fings gona bes ok!
eileen said not to worry bout the teens
she said shed work wif them
and hopefuly they will lern not to be mad or frustrated wif me
i hope so!
cuz i not likin that
therpy today was hard but good too
love
taylor age six

Nervousness

I am so nervous right now. I woke up feeling very anxious. I have therapy this morning in a few hours. I am anxious about it. I feel really edgy and agitated. Like something bad is going to happen during our session. It probably wont, but I just feel like it will. This happens to us sometimes before therapy. Its not unusual.

Then later today I have Nitro’s aftercare. I am also nervous about that. I feel like maybe his trainer will judge me. That maybe his work is no longer that good, since we havent done much in the past while. I hope she wont be too hard on me. She’s a nice person, so my gut feeling is she wont. She may want to talk about retiring nitro. I am ready but sad about it.

I hope we can have a few more months before he retires. I will of course keep him after he retires, so that isnt an issue for me. I have to tell her though that I dont want another dog, not right now anyway. I hope that my decision will be respected.

So a busy day ahead for us. At least we slept for a few hours. I am glad about that. I wouldnt want to be tired going into today.

Anxious about therapy

have therapy in an hour. dont want to go.

feel so anxious about it. not sure what will come up today. dont want to find out.

just wish I could skp it altogether. Not wanting to face it. feel so overwhelmed. I’ll probably end up a sobbing mess on eileen. She’ll have to pick me up off the floor and I’ll be a crying dissociative mess.

insiders feel panicky and scared.

this is not good! Not good!

Ug I wanna run! Thats what I am hearing from inside!

Ug sigh!

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EILEEN EMAILED US! SHE RESPONDED!

TO MY EMOTIONAL EMAIL WHERE I BASICALLY TOLD HER I WAS FAILING AT THERAPY! SHE RESPONDED, AND SHE SAID WE ARENT! I LOVE HOW ATTUNED SHE IS TO US! SHE ALWAYS KNOWS WHEN TO RESPOND AND WHEN ONE IS WARRANTED! THANKS EILEEN! I LOVE YOU!
PIXIE

HER RESPONSE…

Hi Everyone, I am sorry to hear that you got the impression that I was mad at you or that I thought you were doing badly in therapy. I apologise if I sounded critical. I actually think you are doing very well in therapy! It isnt a case of if I feel bad Im not doing well in therapy. I totally understand that when we are beginning to open up and talk, feelings and all sorts of reactions come with that. It is a delicate balance of doing a little, then letting it settle.
I do hear how much I mean to you, rest assured that I am on this journey with you in all the ups and downs.
Eileen

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FAILURE AT THERAPY?

IM SO SO WORRIED WHAT IF WE’RE FAILING THERAPY? WHAT IF EILEENS WANTS US GONE? WHAT IF SHE THINKS WE’RE NOT WORKING HARD ENOUGH? OR SHES MAD AT US NOW CUZ WE NEVER TOLD HER HOW BAD IT WAS, FOR WEEKS? AND THEN YESTERDAY SHE SAID WOULD YOU HAVE TOLD ME? IF I DIDNT PRESS IT? AND LIZ SAID SHE WOULD HAVE, BUT OMG I DONT WANT TO FAIL! I DONT WANT TO HAV HER BE MAD AT ME!
OMG I CANT STAND THINKING BOUT IT. IT MAKES ME SO NERVOUS. I JUST EMAILED HER TO ASK HER. I HOPE SHE RESPONDS TO THAT!
PIXIE

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