update. we saw dr. barry. and health stuff too

so we just saw dr. barry. emily spoke to her. i was going to but then i felt too shy to put myself out there. so emily said she would talk to her.
so she clarified that we’re staying in hospital until Saturday. we will go home on saturday morning. she said she’d have our discharge papers done up tomorrow, and that the weekend team would be put in place for us on sunday and then we’ll be seeing her again next wednesday.
emily and dr. barry talked about our feelings of overwhelm, the anxiety we’ve been having, and dr. barry said she thinks Carol anne wont come back unless things in the system settle down. i think she is right about that.
she said she didnt want the admission to interfere with our therapy session on Monday, that is why she is letting us go home on saturday.
emily just texted eileen now just to let her know we’d make our session on monday, and to ask her if we can call her today at some point.
in other news, our blood sugar levels were really high this morning, they were 12.6, not sure what that converts to in american numbers, but thats pretty high, because a normal reading is between 6 and 8.
and we’ve felt nausious and weak all day. we’ve also had a headache, a really bad one.
and of course the anxiety is really bad, too.
anyway. life goes on. we’ll be ok. please guys, pray carol anne comes back soon. i’m finding it really difficult to be out for long periods, i know i can act like carol anne but i’m not her. and i think people can notice the difference.
our nurse for the day, her name is lauren, she’s really nice. she came into our apt with dr. barry with us. on our way back to the ward she was all like, oh i didnt know you like to be called by the names of the different personalities. it was very cute. emily and some of the kids really like her. they told her so too on our way to dr. barrys office. they were like, lauren, i really like you!
Sienna

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we are Not doing well

feeling emotional. want to cry. cant though. need to stay ok. have to go in the taxi to dr. barrys. maybe can cry when we are with her. but when we try it doesnt happen. our emotions get shut down. stuck. we freeze. we cant let it out. even tho shes safe. shes one of our two safe people. and we love her. but we cant. cant let it out. we are drowning. drowning in pain. swimming in trauma and grief and desperation. pain, overhwlm and pain. feel like i will explode. system is in chaos. cant do dthis.
carol anne

Phone check in with our therapist

so we had a phone check in with eileen this morning. it went really well.

we talked for about 10 minutes. it was just a how are you doing sorta check in. nothing too serious or deep.

emily talked, so did i. she told us to hang out today and allow the kids to play, so thats what we’ve been doing.

we’re also watching tv, reading, and doing email.

we told her about memories coming up for us. she said things seem to be coming up fast for us. i said i thought so too.

carol anne

I am Functioning again

I am back. Thank god!

Thank you Brooklyn and Amy for keeping this show on the road while I was MIA!

It is thanks to our wonderfully skillful and amazing therapist Eileen that I am back. Amy called her after they exchanged a couple of emails and she was able to get me back. Not sure how she can, but she’s always able to find me and bring me out of whatever non functional state I am in.

I am forever grateful to her for doing that and helping me as I am needed here and it is never a good thing when I am down. But, how i got here?

I was triggered. I recieved a phone call from an unwelcome person. That person set me off. They were able to trigger me by something they said to me. It was not good.

I felt myself going, but could do nothing to stop it. I could feel the dissociation coming on. I could feel the familiar sense of floatiness coming. I knew I was going away.

It was awful. I knew my system needed me and i wanted to stay here for them but I couldnt.

So alls i can say is, thank god for a therapist who knows a lot about did and dissociaition and parts. Thank god she knows what to do in this situation.

Anyway. Alls well again now. Thanks for all of the kind comments from all of you. I’ve just read all of them.

carol anne

Surprise phone check in

eileen surprised us last night. a couple of us had emailed her during the night when we were having bad nightmares and flashbacks. we were distressed and we had emailed as we always do, well last night she texted us at 6 o’clock, asked us how we are doing and said she had a couple of minutes to talk if we needed to check in.
we rang her and we talked. it felt so good.
emily talked to her and so did I. she was babysitting so she only had a few minutes but thats all we needed.
she was able to ground us and reassure us and before she went she said we’d talk as arranged on tuesday.
she said we could continue to email her if we needed to.
we are so lucky to have such a caring and compassionate therapist. someone who truly cares, and looks out for us.
thank you eileen. thank you for coming trough for us just when we needed it.

Damn you, therapy break, i hate you

yep. i do. i hate them. they suck.

im feeling sad. i wish i did not have a 3 week therapy break. it is going to feel so long.

i’ve been listening to the recordings eileen made for us. and rereading old texts and emails.

our friend safiyah made us some rose scented soap to give to her as a christmas gift. but it will have to be after christmas when we give it to her because we dont see her now until january 8th. but thanks safiyah for making her card and gift for us.

attachment pain is the worst. it really really is.

i have this massive ache in my chest. i feel empty and lonely.

and i want to cry.
god damn therapy break, I hate you.
carol anne