feels feels!

I WANT TO CRY BUT I CANT! I CANT! I CANT!
IM SO SCARED TO LET THE TEARS OUT. THEY’RE THERE PRICKING MY EYES. BUT I’M JUST SO TERRIFIED OF THEM.
WHY? WHY AM I SO SCARED? I DONNO. JUST AM. DOESNT MAKE SENSE I KNOW.
IVE BEEN HAVING MEMORIES TOO. REALLY BAD ONES. MEMORIES OF THE CARE TAKER GUY IN THE BORDING SCHOOL RAPING ME. IT HURTS. MY HEAD IS POUNDING AND MY HEART IS ACHING.
I WISH I WASNT REMEMBERING. I TRIED EVERYTHING TO STOP THE MEMORIES. BUT I CANT. THEY ARE COMING AT ME THICK AND FAST. I’M FEELING LIKE I’M BEING SMOTHERED BY THEM.
THIS SADNESS IS GONNA TURN TO ANGER. I KNOW IT. IT ALWAYS DOES.
I SHOULD PROBABLY EMAIL EILEEN. AND TRY TO PUT MY ANGER INTO A POEM OR SOMETHING.
LIZ

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Rage, anger and a meltdown

im clara. im 15. i was the one who had most of our therapy session today. it started off badly. i was so angry. i hated having a therapy break. i hated that eileen was gone. it hurt and i hated it so much. but it was so confusing. i hated it, but i kinda rebeled. i didnt want anything to do with eileen, and then part of me wanted her too. that was the confusing thing. part of me desperately wanted to cling to her. but the other part, the part full of rage and anger, wanted to push her away and leave therapy. last night i asked carol anne to text her and cancel. she wouldnt. she wanted to go. but i didnt. i wanted to quit. i wanted to run away. far far away. i wanted to have nothing to do with eileen. i thought i hated her. i felt like i did. i even said so. so this morning she asked for me. she said she’d be willing to talk about whatever i wanted to talk about. and she respected my point of view and respected me. and she’d listen to what i needed to say. so i came out. i couldnt resist. but when i first came out i was very angry. i screamed at her. and ranted. and raged. my emotions were like a tornado. i was just in a total fit of rage. i threw stuff around. and eileen came over to me and she held me. she held me while i raged. and she kept saying soothing things to me. she said she gets it and she understands why im like this. i kept saying she didnt. i kept trying to get free from her grip. but she kept hold of me tight. she kept saying this is not the way to go about releasing anger. and that i needed to calm down and breathe. breathe? what the hell is that. i never was able to do deep breathing before. she kept telling me we’d try it together. so we did. and i was only able to breathe in for 2 and out for 3. she showed me how she was able to breathe in for 7 and out for 11. i couldnt believe she was able to do that. but she was. without any big effort either. she said it comes with practice. and when she first tried to do it she wasnt able to either. she asked me after i calmed down to practice breathing for the next week. i said i would. i did eventually calm down and we did talk. we talked about how hurt i was. how much pain i felt at the fact that we had a long break, and now we’ll be having another one because she has to go on a training course. she apologised for having to leave us again so soon. she said i could email her if i feel mad, she told me to just write what i am feeling, put words on it. and send it to her. she said she wont be able to respond to me. but she’ll read everything. at least i know she wont be able to respond so thats good at least cuz i wont be waiting for a response then. im glad i can write to her. that will help i think. she also asked liz and jade to support me. jade is our internal therapist. she does support all of us as much as she can. but yeah. it was a super intense session. that meltdown i had was so scary. it happens to me a lot though. especially when im on my own. when the anger takes over it feels so unmanageable. i feel so overwhelmed by it. eileen really understood my reaction though. she wasnt mad or anything that i was so mean to her and saying i hated her and did not want to be near her etc. she just was so understanding. she said in a way i was protecting the system. protecting them from being hurt again. because we’d been so hurt in the past. i suppose i was in a way. im glad i talked to her. it felt good to get it all out.
clara

Therapy break is over

So my therapy break is over. tomorrow I go back to therapy again. For a week at least, then Eileen is off for a week because she is doing a course in body psychotherapy. But at least the easter break is finally over!

I’ve never been so happy! I missed eileen like crazy! The attachment pain was so bad these past two weeks. I know I didnt write a lot about it. I figured I wouldnt bore you all with it. Because, it was the same old story, we cried, we ranted, we missed her, we needed, we were emotional, we craved therapy, it was hell.

The little parts especially missed her. They cried a lot. They didnt understand not seeing her. They felt like she’d never come back.

But tomorrow, she will be back. Our safe person, our secure base will return. And probably we’ll talk about the attachment pain and the fact we really missed her over this easter break.

Just happy to have her back again. Feels nice. Safe. What a relief it is. Such a relief.

the basement club

so tomorrow i plan on going to the basement club. i’ve been planning to do this for days. i was going to go on tuesday, but then i was too tired. so i changed my mind and i said i’d go today instead. but now there is a weather warning, for rain, from 2 pm onwards tomorrow. i had planned on going out at 1 because the basement club is closed until then, not sure why, i just got a text saying it would be closed until 12:30 earlier today. i will still go, but i wish it wasnt going to be wet. i hate being out in the rain. and i wish i could sleep tonight. we are having a lot of trouble toinght though. the system in in a lot of emotional turmoil. both because we miss eileen, we’re anxious and feeling overwhelmed, and having memories, and feeling the effects of that. its a hard night. i think i’ll go make some tea once i finish writing this post. it might help us calm down a little.
carol anne

5 days

There are only 5 days left of my therapy break. 5 days until I see eileen again.

I miss her so much. I really fucking hate therapy breaks.

The pain of attachment bloody sucks. Sucks doesnt even begin to cover it.

This therapy break has been super hard. I’ve had such a longing for eileen all throughout it. We all have.

The kids have cried a lot. Hec I’ve even cried some.

Its been hell. Nice to know my attachment disorder is alive and well huh? Note my sarcasm.

I am glad I saw dr. barry during the break, but god I wish Eileen was here right now. I’d run into he r arms, hug her and never let go.

I want my safe person to come back! I know she’ll be back, I just wish it was now and not on Monday.

Ga!
5 days…
carol anne

I miss my therapist

i miss eileen already. its not even been a whole day since i saw her.
i dont want a therapy break. i want to go to session next week.
i hate therapy breaks.
they suck. i wish i had got a hug from her today.
just feeling sad and scared. i hate night time.
allie age 9

WHY CANT I LET HER WORDS IN?

I FEEL LIKE I DONT EXIST. I FEEL DEAD. I FEEL UNSEEN. I FEEL LIKE SHIT.
I JUST WANT TO QUIT, I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANY MORE.
THE WORDS I SAID TO EILEEN TODAY THROUGH SOBS.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE PROBLEM?
NO, NO, PIXIE, SHE SOOTHED.
YOU ARE NOT A PROBLEM. I DONT SEE YOU AS A PROBLEM.
I SEE YOU AS A STRONG, INTELLIGENT, SMART, WOMAN.
WHY DONT I SEE THAT?
ALL I SEE IS PAIN. PAIN, SADNESS, BLACKNESS, TERROR.
I FEEL UGLY. I FEEL MISUNDERSTOOD. I FEEL FEARFUL. I FEEL LIKE A HUGE BURDEN.
WHY CANT I LET EILEENS WORDS IN?
WHY CANT THEY REACH ME?
PIXIE