Hi All, Just to let you know I have received all the emails, and wanted to respond briefly. I really do get the various reactions and want to honour them. The anger the uncertainty the wanting to connect the wanting perhaps to push me away the curiosity the sense of abandonment the hurt….I have not left you behind I carry you all with me.
By the way I didnt forget about the book, I made a recording of it…but the playback was on slow and couldnt figure out how to rectify that…or send it! We will figure it out together.
Keep well


Therapy break is over

So my therapy break is over. tomorrow I go back to therapy again. For a week at least, then Eileen is off for a week because she is doing a course in body psychotherapy. But at least the easter break is finally over!

I’ve never been so happy! I missed eileen like crazy! The attachment pain was so bad these past two weeks. I know I didnt write a lot about it. I figured I wouldnt bore you all with it. Because, it was the same old story, we cried, we ranted, we missed her, we needed, we were emotional, we craved therapy, it was hell.

The little parts especially missed her. They cried a lot. They didnt understand not seeing her. They felt like she’d never come back.

But tomorrow, she will be back. Our safe person, our secure base will return. And probably we’ll talk about the attachment pain and the fact we really missed her over this easter break.

Just happy to have her back again. Feels nice. Safe. What a relief it is. Such a relief.

allie missing eileen

I miss Eileen tonight.

we shoulda been having our session today. but we didn’t cuz it was a bank holiday.

we’ll see her on Thursday. but it seems so far away.

I did email her though. I told her how much I loved her. and am missing her.

I took out her rose scent and sniffed it over and over. I don’t care if people think I’m weird. Eileen gave me the empty bottle and I always smell it and the scent still hasn’t gone out of it.

I also listened to her reading in my heart to me. I have that recorded. she said we can read another book soon. I cant wait. I will record her reading to us again. we left the book today I feel silly, and other moods that make my day in her office. so we’ll probably read that one.

Thursday better come quick. I need to go to therapy.
I need a hug from Eileen.

allie, age 9

Missing eileen

tonight I am scared. i have a longing to hug eileen. I feel scared. Scared she’ll leave us. She hasnt said she will. Nothing happened to prompt this feeling but I just feel sad and scared and alone.
I emailed her. I’m sure she’ll respond when she reads it and reassure me everything is ok.
These feelings feel huge.And its hard to manage them.
The littles are freaking out and tears are falling tonight.
We miss her. We need her to hold us. Tell us we are ok, it will all be ok. We’ll get through it.
There is a break coming, the week after next. We arent really prepared for it. We never are prepared though for any break. Breaks are awfully hard for us.
Why are we thinking about it now with two weeks to go?
Who knows. We are worriers and its in our nature to worry.
I guess we were just missing her tonight and so thought of the break and how we wont see her for almost 10 days and we got really freaked out because it felt so long.
sigh. always something isnt there? The therapy process and relationship can be so hard.

eileen meets brooke

during our therapy session this week a new insider showed up. we’ve been losing time lately. over the weekend we lost a chunk of time. eileen was wondering why but i said i didnt know. but it was concerning to me.
does anyone know, she asked.
i shrugged, i dont know.
can you check inside? so i tried, but no one was talking. no ones saying anything, i told eileen.
she said she would welcome whoever it was to come out and talk to her. do you think they might, she asked? i am not sure, i guess so.
then all of a sudden things started to go fuzzy. i felt myself slipping away. i felt younger. i felt spacy and like i was fading. it felt so surreal.
my face must have showed it too. eileen started to speak softly. hi? i watched in a kinda dissociative fog.
hi was the response, a timid, shy hi.
what is your name, eileen asked? brooke. how old are you? 7, she said.
they started to talk. so you were out this weekend brooke?
yes. do you know why you had to come out?
to blank everything out…i had to stop the feelings, i had to make them ok…
oh i see, were you worried they wouldnt be ok?
yes! its scary. they get upset and then they get sad and i dont like it, the sad scares me…
she started to cry. you want a hug, eileen asked.
yeah, but you gotta come here, i dont wanna get up cuz im scared…
eileen came over and wrapped her arms around us. there there. its ok. your going to be ok. you were so brave. you are very very brave.
brooke just cried softly. i dont feel brave, i just feel scared…
she sat cuddled into eileen for about 10 minutes. i like you, your safe, she said softly.
I like you too, eileen said.
i gotta go back inside now eileen, i am tired, can i get a hug from you again soon?
of course you can, any time, eileen said softly.
and with that brooke was gone. and when I emerged back into the body, I felt confused, and a little bit sad.
lucky for me I had eileen to fill me in on what happened.

Therapy today

we had a very productive therapy session this morning.

we decided to go through remys report, which I havent yet posted, but will do later tonight. its just a draft report, the final one wont be prepared until we all add our comments to it.

eileen had printed it out and we read through it talking over what was in it. we made notes as we went along.

we ended up stopping and starting a lot because things came up like things about attachment, mom issues, etc. it was me carol anne who did all the talking today. and boy did i need the session.

eileen asked me how i felt about trying to encorporate meditation into my day. so from tomorrow on I will make it one of my daily goals..

the attachment thing, i told her dr. barry says we have attachment disorder. she said that had an effect on her and she didnt like the word disorder. that everyone to some degree has a degree of attachment issues, then we talked about secure and insecure attachment for a little bit.

we talked about my mom and i told eileen i feel dependent on her, and she allows it to happen, and we discussed this at length and i said how I worry in case something will happen to her and then i wont manage by myself, eileen encouraged me to talk to her again and tell her how i am feeling, and ask her to let go a little relincish control a little bit and allow me to do my own thing.

as it is now she’s constantly reminding me to do things, things like did i let nitro out, did i brush my teeth, did i wash dishes, take meds, etc. it gets old, but then i know secretly there are parts who like that she does those things for us.

we talked a little about dr. barry and the spacing out of our apts with her to bi weekly. she asked me how i was doing with that. i didnt lie. i said i found it hard. i said i am finding it hard to get used to it after 4 plus years of weekly apts with her.

it was a very full on session. at the end she told me about a new course she is going to do in body psychotherapy. we then got to talking about books on trama and she asked me if reading them triggered me in any way. i said i dont read them in their entirity that i dip in and out of them.

she’s going to do the symatic therapy course in april. i’ll be interested to see how we can encorporate it in to future sessions. I’m very curious.

i feel drained now after the session. i hope i’ll sleep well tonight. i do have a lot to process after it.

Eileen called me

i feel good now again because eileen just called me. she sent me a message asking if i can talk. i am volunteering at the basement club this morning but i was able to talk to her. she told me that i am too young to be doing the volunteering, that i needed to let carol anne do it. i told her carol anne was depressed and hadnt been out very much this week at all. but i was able to call for her and she was able to come out and talk to eileen too so that was good. now she is back and i feel much better. i knew eileen wouldnt let me down i knew she’d come through for me.
she said we can talk more on monday but for now she was just checking in with us. she didnt have much time but thats ok. even a small check in helps.