we had a low key therapy session this past monday. We decided we need to wind down. We have one more session before our christmas break, that, too will be a low key session where we’ll just have a general chit chat and wind down.
Eileen keeps reassuring us that we’ll manage the break. She said its ok to put things away, its ok to just reflect on the hard work we’ve done, and enjoy our christmas, that therapy will be there in january, and for now, for now its ok to shelve things and put them away.
Have fun, relax, chill out, enjoy time with family, friends, enjoy the holidays.
I hope shes right. I hope we’ll manage the break. I can feel some inside tensing at the thought of it. We talked about it with her though so that did help some. Its just some inside only feel safe in eileens office and nowhere else. Thats the hard part.
We plan on giving her a christmas card next week to end our therapy work this year. Emily made it for her. She is looking forward to giving it to her. We also have a card that we bought from a friend, which is signed by a lot of us in the system and which we will also give to her.
Therapy this past year has been really hard but also really good. Its been intense a lot of times, but so worth it, we’re progressing, we’ve done a lot of hard and very intensive work, which wasnt always easy, but then, when is therapy ever easy?
I’m happy we have one more apt before the christmas break. I’m also happy our last one will be an apt where we can reflect, where some inside can talk and chat in general, not have to worry about disclosing, or about doing anything too intense.
so I decided to text Eileen and ask her if I could talk to her. I wasnt sure if she had college tonight, she is a lecturer in the psychotherapy programme at the local university, she did have college, but I texted her, I asked if she had a few mins to check in and I told her I’d gotten bad news. She rang me back within 15 minutes. She was on her way home after lecturing. So we talked as she drove home. I told her about my client who killed himself. She was so understanding. She told me that it would be understandable that I’d be in shock. I was telling her about Emilys two insiders who were suicidal, and upon hearing this news today, they became very upset and shocked. I think it was like a wake up call for them. We talked about completing suicide. Eileen said there was nothing more we as a system could have done. This client of ours unfortunately had his mind made up already. I know this is the case. I just keep thinking I should have could have done more. Logically I couldnt though. Its just a hard truth to swallow. Hard to take that he’s dead now. He’s gone. I told eileen that I am sitting here thinking about how one minute someone can be here, the next they’re gone. She talked to me about resilience. About how some people dont have as much as others. She said to me that I need to remember how resilient we are. How we’re fighters. We have come through so much. She said she knows that the client doing this has stirred up a lot for us. In a lot of different ways. I agreed. She said she hopes my supervisor is giving us support. I said she was but that I couldnt actually talk much to her about my own feelings, because my supervisor doesnt know I have mental health difficulties, and she doesnt know I’ve tried to kill myself in the past. So that is why I reached out to Eileen. I know I can be honest with her. I know she gets me and gets it. I was telling Eileen I really dont want any more bad news today. Not only did I hear this news about my client, tonight I got the bad news that my cousin whose only 50 has stage four liver cancer. And then earlier I got the news that I need to discuss nitro retiring next tuesday with the trainer who comes out to do our aftercare. I really cant handle another thing today. Eileen told me to wrap up in a soft blanket. Make some tea, get a blanket, wrap up in it. And draw a line under today. And that is what I am going to do I think. I am exhausted but unable to sleep. I will do some self care things tonight though. To care for myself. I will do some writing, drink some tea, maybe read, and wrap up warm and cosy in a blanket. I am so grateful for Eileen. She never lets me down. She always comes through for us. I feel so so lucky to have her in our lives. She said that I shouldnt worry about texting her, she was fine with it. All I could say is thank you, thank you, I love you. And I do. I love her. She has made me feel contained tonight. Contained, and safe, and I know she’s with me in spirit, I know she is here, talking to her just reaffirmed that
we had a good therapy session today. the kids were happy cuz they had time with eileen. april and emily both has some time to talk. i dont remember a lot about today. except that we worked with the pulsers a little. to try to help emilys system of insiders. it seems some of her young ones are running things. and eileen said we need to try to change that. jade is now living with emily as you all know. so she is an outside adult that lives where em lives inside. in the same house. that is helping. but a lot of ems insiders are still really protective of em. they are all still afraid to really let her take over much. it was worrying today. we got to therapy and it seems an 8 year old insider named april took us there in the taxi. she’s one of ems insiders. none of us had any recollection of what we did this morning when we woke up. how we dressed, or washed or ate or what we did. we just didnt know. but somehow we got to therapy. when eileen came in april was out. eileen was very worried. as am I. this situation is not good. it happens to us every so often. so we’re going to work on that soon too I think. we got very dissociative this morning too during our session. our body felt all kinds of weird. we were really feeling dizzy and like elastic that is stretched, and about to snap. eileen came over and held us. she also placed her hand on our back for some extra support. of course she asked before she did it, she’d never just do it without asking first. it felt calming to have her place a hand on our back and rest it there. like she was sootheing us. it felt so good. it immediately calmed us down. overall it was a good session. we left feeling less dissociative. less edgy. liz came out at the end as I was busy with kids. but she came out and talked with eileen for a few minutes before we ended the session. well actually eileen asked for her. so i think she felt a little special that eileen had asked her to come out. it was good though the session was. two more before our christmas break. im nervous about the break. eileen kept telling liz to remember how much we have going on right now. like for example our social life, college, etc. that we’d manage. she said she’ll put extra support in place for us over christmas. that maybe she could go some phone check ins and we can also email her. she’ll be on vacation for two weeks over christmas. but really it’ll be 3 weeks. its just how the weeks fall. im sure it’ll be ok though. at least i hope it will be.
So when I opened my email today I got a nice surprise!
Eileen had responded to my email where I told her I got a place on the mental health in the community college course!
I was so thrilled to get a response as I didnt think she would!
She said she was delighted to hear that we’d gotten a place, and that it was really exciting news.
She also said it was great to see Emily enjoying doing 12 year old stuff and just being a kid!
I love her for responding! She always knows when to respond! I had almost forgot I’d sent her the email about it! I sent it after I got the good news on Thursday evening, then I didnt think any more about it until just now.
My therapist truly is awesome!
therapy today was good. I got to talk to Eileen. first we did an exercise where she and I sat facing each other. She got me to put out my hands, with my palms facing up. I did, and then she placed her palms on mine, and got me to push on her arms. It felt amazing. I felt so strong. I felt like she was strengthing me. just by placing her arms on mine. I felt strong and safe and I felt huge strength. I really enjoyed it. It felt really good to do that exercise with her.
We talked about the darks. She talked about the email she got from melanie. How that had resonated with her. How it was real. real and honest. I was telling her I was upset about melanie sending it to her. I felt like she was trying to ruin things for us. Eileen said no. not true. she said the darks are holding the emotions which we couldn’t. which were so unsafe for us to hold as a kid. she said melanie’s email was raw, real and honest. and she welcomed it. she said its good melanie can now talk openly to her and be so honest with her.
we talked about big feelings. Eileen asked me if I was able to be free to say absolutely anything to her, without fearing what she’d say or do, without fearing rejection, or that I’d upset her, or disappoint her, if I could what would I say? I thought about it for a few minutes. Then I said I’d probably say how sad I am. How I think about death and dying all the time. How I try to think up ways to do it to die. How I worry so much about insiders in our system. ABout my own insiders, about my family, about all sorts of things, I worry constantly.
She said that she knew it. So she had an idea. She asked me to ask jade to come sit by me. So I did. She said jade could maybe help me. Jade is 36. She is our internal therapist. But she’s like a mom to me. I see her as a mother figure inside. I am very close to her.
She asked me if I’d like help in my house inside. I said yes I would. The way it works inside is like this. Some of us live in a castle, carol anne, amy and most of them do. The darks live in a forrest. And I live in a house inside with some other insiders, and there aren’t any adults in my house inside. So Eileen asked jade if she’d move in there with me. Take over the house and take responsibility for it and for me and my insiders. Jade agreed. So she’s going to move in! Yay! I am so delighted!
Then Eileen asked me to just go home today and be 12. Just be 12 and do things that a 12 year old would do. Give the responsibility to jade. And for me to just be a kid. So that is what I did! I have been doing crafts. Making cards. I have been listening to my music. And drinking tea. It was nice. It felt so good to just be able to be a kid. I felt lighter much much lighter.
Before our session ended today Eileen came and wrapped the fluffy blanket around me. She asked me how it felt. I said it felt wonderful. I felt all warm and cosy. All loved and very safe. The blanket is so sootheing and so comforting. I really enjoyed therapy today. And now I have jade helping me inside which is nice. I feel great. For once I don’t feel burdened and I don’t feel sad and I feel like I can cope.
Life feels manageable. I feel loved, safe and supported.
Yay! 😀 I am so looking forward to it!
I just cant wait to see Eileen!
I’ve been having longing feelings all weekend, am longing to be in the safety of her office, longing to be with her, to have her sitting in front of us, with her calming presence and reassuring voice!
Telling us we’re ok, we’re safe, and all is going to work out and be well!
I need that right now! I am feeling insecure tonight!
Alls I gotta say is, thank god therapy day is almost here!
therapy today was great. i feel fantastic after our session. it was hard, but really good too. i’ve never felt so held, so contained, so loved as i did today in the session. we worked today with the very young parts, like infant and toddler parts. it all started out with me telling eileen about last night. about the really intense neediness we felt, how we wanted to reach out to her, we felt that intense attachment pain, and how it scared us. her take on it was that we’re reaching a new level of trust now with her. and so our need for connection is intensifying too. she said thats fine, i felt really embarrassed, like it wasnt ok, but she kept reassuring me that it was. we sat talking for a few minutes. i was talking to her about the intense need we felt, about how it felt like baby parts, like parts without verbal skills or who had no words. so she was talking about what they needed. she asked me, is it ok if I come over and hold you? I said that’d be ok. So she came over and she went behind me and she put her hands on my shoulders, in a sorta holding position, and let me lean back into her. She held us like that for most of the session as we talked about the infant parts and what they might need. we talked about creating an inside nursery for them. and what we might put in there. we talked about what babies need, what they like, what makes them feel safe. it felt so validating. the holding was so grounding. it was also very sootheing. it calmed us down a lot. i didnt even dissociate like i normally do. i think it was mostly that eileen was there, holding me, helping me to feel present in my body. i asked her if she got all the emails people sent last week. she said yes. i apologised and said i was sorry that there were so many of them. she told me that it was ok, that she felt honoured that insiders were trusting her enough to share with her, and that she didnt mind the amount of emails that there had been at all. we talked about the feelings the intense neediness brought up in us. i told her there was fear, and someone wanted to bolt, and more just wanted to be with her, and there was also anxiety and a feeling that we may get in to trouble for this. she said she welcomed all of the feelings in the therapy room. after a while of holding us and us talking she told me she was going to take away her hands now. i liked that she told me she was going to do that and she didnt just do it very suddenly. after she took her hands off my shoulders she handed me a fluffy blanket. here, she said, this is for the very young parts. we took it and immediately the kids wanted to hide underneath it. they wanted to wrap up in it. she wrapped us up in it and we felt so safe. so warm. so loved. we felt comfort and a huge wave of happy swept over us. she said she was going to keep that blanket there for us. that we can use it any time we want to. she said she thought we needed something comforting while we finished up our session. at the end of our session she talked to me a little bit about her training. she said they’d learned a lot about how trauma is held in the body, about tracking it in your nervous system, about trauma in general, and about using touch in therapy. she has two more years of training left, she goes to the UK twice next year and twice the year after, but she also has to do study groups here in ireland, practical work, etc. so its not just that she goes to the UK and thats all. It was really interesting and I liked hearing about what she’s learning. I think its really going to benefit us in our work together.