Internal struggles

hi it is emily. im 12. im very scared. there is so much internal fighting going on. its hard for me. i know everything about our system. i dont like when the darks fight. it makes me so nervous. eileen says i need to let go and be 12. but how can i? i have to be responsible and make sure things are running smoothly. she said no i dont. that i need to let the adults do it, take care of things. she said its important for me to just be a kid. liz says she’ll take care of things. she said i have to trust her. so im trying hard to trust that she knows what she’s doing.
love
em

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Jade. Conversation with our therapist

this past week in therapy I had a conversation with eileen. It was my first time to come out in therapy. My first time to talk directly with eileen. I had already been known to her, she always asks for my input and help, but we’d never actually spoken to one another directly. It was nice to finally get to talk to her.

We talked indepth about the system, I shared a lot of info with her about the system. She said she was really grateful to me for helping her to understand more why things are happening for us in the way that they are.

She’s such a caring person. So gentle. So understanding. She really gets it and when she doesnt she asks appropriate questions until she does.

I love her for that. If I’m half as good of an internal therapist as she is an external one then I will be happy. I like to get tips from her and I hope I can use them wisely.

Jade, age 36

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The sleep monster got me again

yes he did. no sleep. another night gone by. its now 6 AM. time to wake up. get up and start the day. only i never got to sleep. so yeah. i guess i’m starting day two of being up and awake. i got up at 6:30 yesterday, so i’ve almost been awake for 24 hours. i’m not tired, but well i’m sure as the day rolls on i’ll be exhausted. i have to go see dr. barry this morning. i have a taxi booked for 9 to take me there. i know i need to talk to her about my sleep. i also need to talk to her about the new insider that came, to help me run things, well i didnt know she was there at all until amy told me, i’ll call her s on here she doesnt feel comfortable saying her name yet. anyway. s came to run things when i was down the other day. she can front wheni cant. she takes care of things, runs our life. does the going on with day to day stuff when i am unable to do it. she can act like me, she can pull off being me so that our mom doesnt know i am not there. of course thats a whole other story, because our mom thinks she is talking to shirley when she really is talking to me carol anne. but s can act and speak like me. she is 23 and she is very wise and strong. and i want to thank her for coming on bord. the help is really appreciated. anyway. back to our dr. barry apt today. we need to discuss the emotional overwhelm and the amount of flashbacks we’ve been having since last week. that was when i was contacted by a past abuser. and he set a chain of triggers in motion. and ever since i’ve been struggling, going down sometimes, losing time for hours on end, and not knowing whats going on. so yeah. we have a lot to discuss. i hope dr. barry might have a couple of answers, or some suggestions. its always good to talk to her and get her opinion. she is very open and she listens really good. she’s just an all round awesome doctor. i’m so lucky to have her.
carol anne

THATS NOT MY BODY?

ITS LIZ. SO TODAY IN THERAPY AN INTERESTING TOPIC CAME UP. I WAS TALKING TO EILEEN TELLING HER THAT I’D BEEN TALKING TO SOME OF THE INSIDERS AND BETWEEN US WE FIGURED OUT THAT WE’RE VERY DISCONNECTED FROM OUR BODY. AND WE DONT SEE IT AS OURS. WE SEE IT AS BEING SHIRLEYS. SO EILEEN WAS ASKING HOW OLD WE FEEL, SHE ALWAYS ASKS THAT, SHE ASKED ME TODAY, I SAID 18, AND THEN SHE’S LIKE, OK, SO YOU FEEL 18, AND THERE ARE ALL DIFFERENT AGES AND STAGES AMONGST INSIDERS, BUT YOU KNOW, WHEN I AM LOOKING AT YOU NOW AND WE’RE TALKING, I HAVE A COMPETENT CAPABLE ADULT IN FRONT OF ME, A 37 YEAR OLD COMPETENT ADULT, DO YOU SEE THAT? NO, I SAID, I DONT. THEN SHE ASKS ME CAN YOU GET YOUR THUMB AND MIDDLE FINGER, AND PRESS THEM OFF OF EACH OTHER, DO IT AND TELL ME WHAT YOU FEEL? ME, NOTHING? OK, DO IT HARDER? SO I DID. NOW WHAT DO YOU FEEL, WHAT IS THE SENSATION? ME, CONSTRICTION, TIGHTNESS. SO YOU DID THAT, YOUR BRAIN SENT THAT MESSAGE TO YOUR BODY AND YOU DID THAT, I DIDNT DO IT FOR YOU, YOU HAD TO CHOOSE TO DO IT, DO YOU SEE WHERE I AM GOING WITH THIS? ME, UH, NOOOO, NOT REALLY. I AM JUST REALLY CONFUSED. I JUST…I JUST FEEL SOOO DISCONNECTED FROM MY BODY! THEN WE TALKED ABOUT HOW THE OTHER NIGHT RAVEN WHOSE 11 WAS OUT, SHE HAD THE URGE TO CUT, SHE WAS ALMOST GONNA DO IT, ANDI WAS WATCHING, BUT COULDNT DO ANYTHING, I WAS FROZEN, FROZEN AND UNABLE TO GET PAST HER TO GAIN CONTROL OF THE BODY AGAIN. AND WHAT DID THAT FEEL LIKE, WHEN YOU WERE WATCHING HER? EILEEN ASKED. IT FELT SO SURREAL. IT FELT LIKE I WAS FAR AWAY, IN THE DISTANCE, I WANTED TO COME BACK OUT, I WANTED TO BE IN CONTROL OF THE BODY, BUT I WASNT AND I COULDNT GET THERE. DID YOU SEE YOURSELF OR DID YOU SEE HER AS THE CHILD THAT SHE IS, EILEEN ASKED. I SAW A YOUNG VULNERABLE FRIGHTENED CHILD, I SAID. THIS DISCUSSION WENT ON FOR A WHILE. IT WAS SO INTERESTING. AND I THINK WE NEED TO TALK MORE ABOUT OUR BODY AND THE SHARING OF IT, AS SOME INSIDERS, NOT ME PERSONALLY, BUT SOME OF THE YOUNGER ONES, AND TEENS, ALL DO NOT BELIEVE THEY SHARE A BODY, YOU’D HAVE A HARD TIME CONVINCING THEM THE BODY THEY ARE PART OF IS NOT ACTUALLY THEIRS. EILEEN TRIED ONCE TO MAKE ONE OF THE DARKS BELIEVE IT, BY PLACING A CHAIR ACROSS FROM THEM AND ASKING THEM IF THEY COULD MOVE AND SIT IN IT, AND THEN THEY DID AND SHE WAS LIKE YOU SEE YOU HAD TO MOVE TO DO THAT, THE BODY YOU OWN HAD TO MOVE, YOU DIDNT AUTOMATICALLY SIT IN THAT ACHAIR, YOU COULDNT HALF YOURSELF TO GO SIT IN IT. ANYONE ELSE WITH DID, DO YOU FEEL LIKE THIS? DO YOU FEEL DISCONNECTED FROM YOUR BODY? DO YOU FEEL AS IF YOUR BODY ISNT YOURS? DO YOU GET FRUSTRATED ABOUT IT? DO INSIDERS DENY THEY ARE SHARING A BODY? LET ME KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS.
LIZ

YO YOU GUYS

WELL SINCE WENDY HAS GONE NUTSO AND TURNED INTO A TOTAL FUCKING FRUIT LOOP I AM HERE NOW AGAIN MANAGING THE SYSTEM. THE SYSTEM NEEDS SOMEONE WHO CAN BE STRONG, GUESS THATS ME? NOT FEELING IT RIGHT NOW THOUGH. BUT OH WELL. IT IS WHAT IT IS. I WILL TRY BECAUSE I’M JUST FUCKING AWESOME LIKE THAT RIGHT? OK I’M JUST FUCKING KIDDING HERE BUT I KNOW I’M ABLE TO DO IT MANAGE SO I’M THE DESIGNATED PERSON BECAUSE CAROL ANNE IS BUSY WITH THE LITTLE ONES. I REALLY WOULD LOVE A DRINK RIGHT NOW BUT WE HAVE NO ALCOHOL IN THE HOUSE AND ANYWAY WE’RE ON A DIET SO NO ALCOHOL FOR ME. I’M STILL WONDERING TOO WHO OUR IRISH READERS ARE? I KNOW ONE OF THEM BUT IT SAID TODAY ON OUR STATS THAT WE HAD 8 VIEWS FROM IRELAND, ARE YOU OUT THERE LOVELY IRISH PEEPS? CAN YA SAY HI WHATS UP HOW ARE YA DOING LIZ I LOVE YA WHATEVA HAHAHAHA FUCKING KIDDING AGAIN NO ONE LOVES ME I’M A CRAZY FUCKING BITCH IF I THINK THAT. REALLY THO ID LIKE TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE SO COME ON COMMENT SAY HI CHECK IN BE COOL I’M NOT AN OGRE I WONT EAT YOU.
🙂 😛
LIZ

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I am the Blocker

it is very hard for me to write but i am going to try. i never spoke out loud to anyone, that is, until today. today i spoke to our therapist eileen. it was totally by accident. therapy started off going in one direction and then it totally went in a differeyt way, simply because carol anne happened to mention that she doesnt seem to have as much access to certain system information any more like she used to in the past. eileen was curious why that might be. carol anne didnt know but i did. i am what is known as a blocker. in fact i am just called the blocker. my job is to block people in our system from feeling emotions, my job is to shut the emotions down, and dissociate them away. up to recently i was doing this all of the time. then i started to allow little bits of emotion to get through, but each time i felt that we were getting overwhelmed, i’d put on the breaks again. my job is also to keep people at arms length, not to get too close to anyone or let anyone gt too close to us. for fear we’d get hurt. i noticed some of the insiders really starting to trust eileen. and that caused me to panick. so that is basically what me and eileen talked all about today. eileen said she can totally understand where I’m coming from, she said i had to do what I do to survive, and if I didnt, I wouldnt have survived the abuse. We looked at different strategies and ways of me not doing that, ways of me allowing the others to process memories and trust in a safe space, like eileens office. and i do feel safe in there. if i can allow anyone in its eileen. she has proven over and over again that she is trustworthy and that she cares. i told her i’d allow us to be ourselves in therapy, but that maybe i’d continue to wall things off in everyday life because it felt safer. eileen agreed that for now that was probably a good plan. she kept asking me what do i see when i look at carol anne, or liz. i told her i see carol anne as the 14 year old she was back when she first started coming out. she has aged since then but i dont see it. its like my brain hasnt caught up. i still see her as that vulnerable 14 year old who needs protecting. eileen kept saying that carol anne and liz are a team, that they run things for us now mostly. and that they are doing a very good job of it. and i agree they are. we’d be lost without carol anne. and liz is just liz, she kicks ass. so we talked about the time and date and year and the past versus the present for a while too. that was interesting. the session has given me a lot to think over and reflect on.

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host post. from shirley

i’m so confused. i am sitting on a bed. my bed? i dont know. there are things around me. stuffed animals, a computer, pillows, a blanket, dvd’s. i dont know what i am meant to be doing. it feels weird to be out here all alone. right now my mind is empty.i am hearing nothing. maybe i’ll go make myself something to drink. i dont even know what time it is.
I’m writing here hoping that someone is around and can talk to me, keep me company.
shirley

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