I’M A WARRIOR

THIS IS MY CURRENT FAVOURITE SONG! I HOPE SOME OF YOU CAN RELATE TO IT AS MUCH AS I DO. TONIGHT, IM SITTING HERE, IN TEARS, LISTENING TO IT OVER AND OVER, A DEEP SADNESS JUST CAME OVER ME ALL OF A SUDDEN, I SENT THIS TO EILEEN TOO, I THINK SHE’LL APPRECIATE IT AND WHY I CAN RELATE TO IT SO MUCH.

SOMETIMES ITS HARD BEING A SURVIVOR, SO HARD..
LIZ

Music from carol annes playlist

I thought I’d share a song tonight. I cant sleep so I am listening to my playlist, this song just came on, I thought it was a very apt song for how I am currently feeling.

I also sent this one to Eileen! I felt like sharing the music with her too.

So do you like it?

carol anne

THERAPY TALKING ABOUT HARD STUFF

SO AS I SAID, THERAPY YESTERDAY WAS A SHIT SHOW! REALLY, WE WERE A MESS. IT WAS BAD. SO, SO HARD. WE GOT THROUGH IT THOUGH IN ONE PIECE, THANKS TO EILEEN.
THE DARKS WERE MOSTLY OUT. SOME FURTHER BACK ONES, SOME FROM MY SYSTEM, BUT ONES WHO DONT TALK MUCH, OR INTERACT MUCH ON THE OUTSIDE OR WITH PEOPLE. THEY DIDNT WANT TO INTERACT EITHER IN THERAPY, BUT EILEEN BASICALLY SAID SHE REALLY WANTED TO TALK TO ONE OF THEM, AND SHE’D BE SO APPRECIATIVE IF ONE OF THEM CAME FORWARD, AND SO THEY DID, ASTRA DID.
ASTRA IS AN ADULT. I AM NOT SURE HOW OLD SHE IS, MAYBE MID 20’S.
SHE TALKED TO EILEEN ABOUT THE RECENT CONTACT FROM ABUSERS, AND SHE BASICALLY TOLD EILEEN THAT THINGS ARE REALLY BAD, AND THERE IS WAY MORE CONTACT GOING ON THAT WE ORIGINALLY THOUGHT. ITS NOT THAT PEOPLE ARE CONTACTING ABUSERS, BUT THE ABUSERS ARE CONTACTING US, AND CONTINUING TO TRY TO GET TO US, EVEN THOUGH WE ARENT RESPONDING. THIS IN TURN IS BRINGING DARKS TO THE FRONT WHO ARENT NORMALLY OUT. FORCING THEM TO TRY TO RESPOND, BECAUSE, WELL, ITS ALL THEY KNOW, ITS WHAT THEY KNOW, IT IS HOW THEY’VE ALWAYS DONE THINGS.
SO BASICALLY THINGS ARE A HUGE MESS. ASTRA WAS ALSO WORRIED ABOUT OUR INFO, WHO WAS EILEEN GIVING INFO TO, WHAT WAS SHE SAYING ABOUT US TO OTHER PEOPLE. SO THEY HAD A LONG TALK ABOUT THERAPY AND CONFIDENTIALITY AND WHO EILEEN IS SHARING THINGS WITH. BASICALLY EILEEN TOLD HER SHE DOESNT SHARE OUR INFO WITH ANYONE, AND THE ONLY TIME SHE’D HAVE TO WOULD BE IF WE SAID WE WERE GOING TO KILL OURSELVES, THEN SHE SAID SHE’D HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO GET IN TOUCH WITH DR. BARRY. BUT OTHER THAN THAT SHE SAID NOT TO WORRY, OUR INFO IS SAFE, NO ONE HAS ACCESS TO ANY OF IT.
ASTRA TOLD HER AN OLD THERAPIST OF OURS HAD USED INFO AGAINST US IN THE PAST. EILEEN SAID THAT THAT WAS REABUSING US. SHE APOLOGISED AND SAID HOW AWFUL THAT MUST HAVE BEEN FOR US. SHE ASKED ASTRA IF SHE’D LIKE TO CHANGE, LIKE WENDY HAD, AND WILLOW AND PIXIE. ASTRA SAID SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT IT. SHE SAID SHE MIGHT, BUT THAT SHE IS SCARED. EILEEN OFFERED TO HELP HER IF SHE WANTED THE SUPPORT. SHE SAID SHE’D THINK SOME MORE ON IT.
I AM HOPEFUL SHE WILL. IN THE MEANTIME I NEED TO THINK WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO BLOCK THESE BASTARDS AND PRICKS AND CREEPS FROM GETTING TO US. THEY DONT NEED TO HAVE ACCESS. THE THING IS, SOME OF THE DARKER INSIDERS, I SHOULD NOT CALL THEM DARKS, BUT THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE KNOWN AS, JUST BECAUSE OF THE NATURE OF THEIR ABUSE. BUT ANYWAY, SOME OF THEM THEY DONT WANT TO ENGAGE IN THERAPY OR CHANGE. THEY ARE JUST HAPPY TO BE HOW THEY ARE, I THINK THEM CONTACTING ABUSERS IS MEETING SOME NEEDS THEY HAVE, OR EILEEN SEEMS TO THINK IT IS. WE ME AND EILEEN TALKED A LITTLE ABOUT THEM POSSIBLY LETTING GO OF THE PAST, THE ABUSERS, THE ABUSE FROM THEIR LIVES, AND THAT SEEMED TO TRIGGER THEM A GREAT DEAL.
SO I REALLY AM NOT SURE AT THIS POINT HOW TO PROCEED, BUT I KNOW WHATEVER HAPPENS I HAVE EILEEN IN MY CORNER, AND THAT IS HELPING A GREAT DEAL.
WE CAME HOME AFTER OUR SESSION YESTERDAY AND BASICALLY SLEPT ALL EVENING. WE WERE JUST EXHAUSTED. WE COULDNT DO MUCH OF ANYTHING, IT TOOK SO MUCH OUT OF US JUST TO BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT ALL THIS STUFF YESTERDAY.
BUT I AM GLAD WE DID. I AM GLAD ITS COMING OUT NOW. ITS BETTER THAT IT COME OUT NOW THAN STAY INSIDE OF US FOREVER.
LIZ

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