THERAPY TALKING ABOUT HARD STUFF

SO AS I SAID, THERAPY YESTERDAY WAS A SHIT SHOW! REALLY, WE WERE A MESS. IT WAS BAD. SO, SO HARD. WE GOT THROUGH IT THOUGH IN ONE PIECE, THANKS TO EILEEN.
THE DARKS WERE MOSTLY OUT. SOME FURTHER BACK ONES, SOME FROM MY SYSTEM, BUT ONES WHO DONT TALK MUCH, OR INTERACT MUCH ON THE OUTSIDE OR WITH PEOPLE. THEY DIDNT WANT TO INTERACT EITHER IN THERAPY, BUT EILEEN BASICALLY SAID SHE REALLY WANTED TO TALK TO ONE OF THEM, AND SHE’D BE SO APPRECIATIVE IF ONE OF THEM CAME FORWARD, AND SO THEY DID, ASTRA DID.
ASTRA IS AN ADULT. I AM NOT SURE HOW OLD SHE IS, MAYBE MID 20’S.
SHE TALKED TO EILEEN ABOUT THE RECENT CONTACT FROM ABUSERS, AND SHE BASICALLY TOLD EILEEN THAT THINGS ARE REALLY BAD, AND THERE IS WAY MORE CONTACT GOING ON THAT WE ORIGINALLY THOUGHT. ITS NOT THAT PEOPLE ARE CONTACTING ABUSERS, BUT THE ABUSERS ARE CONTACTING US, AND CONTINUING TO TRY TO GET TO US, EVEN THOUGH WE ARENT RESPONDING. THIS IN TURN IS BRINGING DARKS TO THE FRONT WHO ARENT NORMALLY OUT. FORCING THEM TO TRY TO RESPOND, BECAUSE, WELL, ITS ALL THEY KNOW, ITS WHAT THEY KNOW, IT IS HOW THEY’VE ALWAYS DONE THINGS.
SO BASICALLY THINGS ARE A HUGE MESS. ASTRA WAS ALSO WORRIED ABOUT OUR INFO, WHO WAS EILEEN GIVING INFO TO, WHAT WAS SHE SAYING ABOUT US TO OTHER PEOPLE. SO THEY HAD A LONG TALK ABOUT THERAPY AND CONFIDENTIALITY AND WHO EILEEN IS SHARING THINGS WITH. BASICALLY EILEEN TOLD HER SHE DOESNT SHARE OUR INFO WITH ANYONE, AND THE ONLY TIME SHE’D HAVE TO WOULD BE IF WE SAID WE WERE GOING TO KILL OURSELVES, THEN SHE SAID SHE’D HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO GET IN TOUCH WITH DR. BARRY. BUT OTHER THAN THAT SHE SAID NOT TO WORRY, OUR INFO IS SAFE, NO ONE HAS ACCESS TO ANY OF IT.
ASTRA TOLD HER AN OLD THERAPIST OF OURS HAD USED INFO AGAINST US IN THE PAST. EILEEN SAID THAT THAT WAS REABUSING US. SHE APOLOGISED AND SAID HOW AWFUL THAT MUST HAVE BEEN FOR US. SHE ASKED ASTRA IF SHE’D LIKE TO CHANGE, LIKE WENDY HAD, AND WILLOW AND PIXIE. ASTRA SAID SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT IT. SHE SAID SHE MIGHT, BUT THAT SHE IS SCARED. EILEEN OFFERED TO HELP HER IF SHE WANTED THE SUPPORT. SHE SAID SHE’D THINK SOME MORE ON IT.
I AM HOPEFUL SHE WILL. IN THE MEANTIME I NEED TO THINK WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO BLOCK THESE BASTARDS AND PRICKS AND CREEPS FROM GETTING TO US. THEY DONT NEED TO HAVE ACCESS. THE THING IS, SOME OF THE DARKER INSIDERS, I SHOULD NOT CALL THEM DARKS, BUT THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE KNOWN AS, JUST BECAUSE OF THE NATURE OF THEIR ABUSE. BUT ANYWAY, SOME OF THEM THEY DONT WANT TO ENGAGE IN THERAPY OR CHANGE. THEY ARE JUST HAPPY TO BE HOW THEY ARE, I THINK THEM CONTACTING ABUSERS IS MEETING SOME NEEDS THEY HAVE, OR EILEEN SEEMS TO THINK IT IS. WE ME AND EILEEN TALKED A LITTLE ABOUT THEM POSSIBLY LETTING GO OF THE PAST, THE ABUSERS, THE ABUSE FROM THEIR LIVES, AND THAT SEEMED TO TRIGGER THEM A GREAT DEAL.
SO I REALLY AM NOT SURE AT THIS POINT HOW TO PROCEED, BUT I KNOW WHATEVER HAPPENS I HAVE EILEEN IN MY CORNER, AND THAT IS HELPING A GREAT DEAL.
WE CAME HOME AFTER OUR SESSION YESTERDAY AND BASICALLY SLEPT ALL EVENING. WE WERE JUST EXHAUSTED. WE COULDNT DO MUCH OF ANYTHING, IT TOOK SO MUCH OUT OF US JUST TO BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT ALL THIS STUFF YESTERDAY.
BUT I AM GLAD WE DID. I AM GLAD ITS COMING OUT NOW. ITS BETTER THAT IT COME OUT NOW THAN STAY INSIDE OF US FOREVER.
LIZ

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SO I WAS A TRIGGERED MESS IN THERAPY TODAY!

YES I WAS! AN ANXIOUS, TRIGGERED, DISSOCIATIVE MESS. BUT I GOT THROUGH IT! EILEEN WAS GREAT! SHE REALLY HELPED US TO GET THROUGH IT. SHE HELD US, WHICH FELT SO GOOD, AND WAS SO CONTAINING, SHE CAME AND SAT BY ME, HELD ME WITH HER HANDS ON EITHER SIDE OF MY BACK AND SHOULDERS, IT WAS SO, SO SOOTHEING! I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY THIS BUT I FELT SO LOVED, SO SUPPORTED, SO SAFE. IT REALLY FELT GOOD, INTENSE, BUT ALSO GOOD TOO.
WE FOUND A LITTLE ONE, ABOUT 8 OR 9, WHO WAS REALLY TRIGGERED, SHE WAS HAVING MEMORIES OF BEING IN DUBLIN, IN THE BORDING SCHOOL, SHE HOLDS A MEMORY OF WHEN WE HAD OUR NOSE BROKEN BY ANOTHER PUPIL, BASICALLY SHE HOLDS THE MEMORY OF BEING LEFT FOR DAYS WITHOUT TREATMENT, AND FEELING HORRIBLE AND UNCARED ABOUT, INVALIDATED AND UNIMPORTANT.
SO EILEEN HAD ME WORK A LITTLE WITH THE PULSERS, AND I HELPED HER BY MAKING HER A BEDROOM INSIDE, AND WE PUT HER IN THERE TO REST. RIGHT NOW SHE’S PETRIFIED, TERRIFIED AND VERY FEARFUL AND SCARED OF EVERYTHING, I AM SURE IN TIME THAT WILL CHANGE, BUT FOR NOW, SHE NEEDS TO REST. WE MANAGED TO TAKE HER OUT OF THE PAST, OUT OF THE MEMORY AND OUT OF DUBLIN, AND NOW SHE’S IN MY SYSTEM INSIDE AND SHE WILL BE LOOKED AFTER, CARED ABOUT AND I WILL MAKE SURE THAT SHE’S SAFE AND OK.
SOMETHING ELSE CAME UP TOO FOR ME. I GOT FRUSTRATED AT BEING TRIGGERED, AND HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE KIDS, I THINK IT WAS MORE SOME OF THE OTHER TEENS THAN ME, BUT I WAS THE ONE HAVING THE SESSION SO IT MANIFESTED ITSELF IN ME BECOMING ANGRY, AND IMPATIENT, AND EILEEN REMINDING ME THAT ACTUALLY OUR FEELINGS ARE WHAT LET US KNOW WE’RE ALIVE, AND ITS OK TO FEEL THEM. ITS OK IF I AM A MESS, SHE’S HERE, NOT GOING ANYWHERE, SHE IS HERE SUPPORTING ME THROUGH IT. THANK GOD FOR HER!
BUT YEAH, FELT WEIRD, I FELT SO ANXIOUS AT THE START, THEN WHEN EILEEN HELD ME SHE CONTAINED IT A LITTLE, BUT THE WEIRD THING WAS, WHEN SHE TOOK HER HANDS AWAY TO GO GET THE PULSERS, I STARTED PANICKING AGAIN, LIKE, I NEEDED HER TO BE THERE TO CONTAIN MY ANXIETY AND FEAR.
SHE NEVER TAKES HER HANDS AWAY WITHOUT WARNING ME SHE’S ABOUT TO DO THAT. SO WHEN I STARTED PANICKING, SHE HAD ME TALK TO HER AND SHE KEPT TALKING TO ME WHILE SHE WALKED ACROSS THE ROOM, AND THAT HELPED A LITTLE. THEN SHE CAME BACK AND REPOSITIONED HER HANDS AROUND ME AGAIN, AND I FELT OK. WEIRD HOW IT HAPPENED LIKE THAT THOUGH.
IT WAS A GOOD SESSION, BUT NOW I AM DRAINED, I FEEL SO TIRED, THINK I’LL GO READ, AND REST FOR A WHILE.
LIZ

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There comes a time…

There comes a time in your life, when you walk away from all the drama and people who create it. You surround yourself with people who make you laugh. Forget the bad and focus on the good. Love the people who treat you right, pray for the ones who do not. Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living.
Jose N. Harris

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