When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.
ITS LIZ HERE. WE DIDNT MENTION IT HERE BUT…
ON THURSDAY EVENING, SOMEONE FROM OUR PAST, ONE OF OUR MAIN ABUSERS, CONTACTED US VIA PHONE, AND EMAIL. THEY TRIGGERED RUBY AND SASSY, WHO IN TURN WROTE EILEEN, VERY UPSET. THEY WERE VERY DISTRESSED. AND VERY TRIGGERED.
THEY ARE ONLY 13, BOTH OF THEM ARE 13. WE SPENT THURSDAY NIGHT IN AGONY, IN SERIOUS EMOTIONAL PAIN, AND IN A HIGHLY TRIGGERED STATE.
SO ON FRIDAY WE WENT TO OUR PARENTS PLACE. WE WERE GOING THERE ANYWAY, BUT THE FACT THAT THIS HAPPENED, MADE US WANT TO GET OUT OF OUR OWN HOUSE, AND GO TO OUR PARENTS TO BE SAFE. WE JUST WANTED TO FEEL SAFE.
WE HAVENT HAD ANY MORE CONTACT, SINCE WE GOT BACK HOME. THANK FUCK! I WAS SO SCARED TO COME BACK HOME! I AM AFRAID OF THE ABUSERS, AS YOU WOULD BE. I MEAN, THEY DID AWFUL THINGS TO US, AND I AM AFRAID OF THEM.
TOMORROW WELL TODAY NOW AS ITS ALREADY MONDAY MORNING HERE, WE’RE SEEING DR. BARRY. I AM PLANNING ON SPEAKING TO HER ABOUT THIS. I AM PLANNING ON ASKING HER FOR SOME EXTRA SUPPORT, AS OUR MENTAL HEALTH HAS BEEN PRETTY BAD LATELY. THE ANXIETY HAS BEEN SUPER BAD, AND THIS LATEST INCIDENT OF CONTACT FROM AN ABUSER HASNT HELPED IT.
I AM GOING TO ASK HER IF SHE’LL EITHER PUT SUPPORT IN FROM THE WEEKEND TEAM, OR FROM OUR CPN SARAH. THE WEEKEND TEAM ARE A MENTAL HEALTH TEAM WHO CONTACT YOU OVER THE WEEKEND, THEY’LL CALL TO YOUR HOUSE, TO SUPPORT YOU. THEY CAN ALSO GIVE SUPPORT OVER THE PHONE.
YOU SEE, THIS IS GOING TO GET TOUGH. MY PARENTS ARE BOTH IN ILL HEALTH. MOM HAS COPD, AND MY DAD HAS BOWEL PROBLEMS, BRITTLE BONES, ARTERITIS, AND HE CAN BE A NIGHTMARE TO BE AROUND AT TIMES.
MY PLAN WAS TO STAY HOME SOME WEEKENDS, AND NOT GO TO THEIR HOUSE.
I STILL WANT TO DO THAT. BUT I CANT HAVE ALTERS BEING TRIGGERED BY PEOPLE CALLING, AND MAYBE EVEN SHOWING UP AT OUR DOOR. THE LITTLES WOULD OPEN IT WITHOUT HESITATION, THANK GOD EILEEN IS WORKING WITH THEM ON NOT DOING THAT.
BUT IF THE WEEKEND TEAM GAVE US SOME EXTRA SUPPORT, AT LEAST WE’D HAVE THEM CALLING AND CHECKING IN ON US. WHICH WOULD BE VERY HELPFUL.
I’M PRETTY SURE DR. BARRY WILL APPROVE THAT SUPPORT. SHE KNOWS WE WOULDNT ASK UNLESS IT WAS IMPORTANT, OR WE WERE DESPERATE.
WE HAVE A LOT TO TALK TO HER ABOUT TODAY. WE ALSO NEED TO TALK ABOUT OUR MOMS ILLNESS, ABOUT APPLYING FOR MORE PA HOURS, AND ABOUT THIS MOST RECENT CONTACT, ABOUT OUR SLEEP, EMOTIONAL STATE, ETC.
I FIND MYSELF JUMPING AT EVERY SOUND. I AM LISTENING OUT FOR UNKNOWN SOUNDS. WHEN I HEAR ANY UNFAMILIAR SOUND, I AM STARTING TO SHAKE UNCONTROLLABLY. I AM SO FEARFUL. ITS NO WAY TO BE OR LIVE.
SO WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING TO FIX IT!
I’LL LET YA’LL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS LATER ON WHEN WE SEE DR. BARRY!
Well I ended up going out today after all!
I went with my mom and my two aunts, we visited their two brothers, to hand out christmas gifts to them.
While we were there we got chatting. Mom and her siblings talked about when they were kids. So many awesome memories! It was so awesome to hear about their childhoods. They dont talk about them a lot.
They talked about christmases past, and their parents. One of the best memories they had was of their father bringing in bottles of coke, and saying, happy christmas, when these are gone they are gone, and my mom and her siblings never got soda, or coke, so it was a novelty to them to get it.
I just loved hearing about all the things they got up to!
It was the best afternoon. Not only because we caught up with each other, and handed out gifts, but just hearing about their memories, now that made my christmas eve!
hi. my name is hannah. im 13. today i talked to eileen. i was so nervous to talk to her. i’ve had bad experiences with therapists in the past. but eileen is different. she’s so kind. and she’s very nice. she put me at ease. we chatted about a lot. some memories came up and we talked a little about them but we didnt go to much into them. i was glad. i dont like discussing memories. i know your meant to do that in therapy but i was scared. mostly it was memories of when we found out the care taker guy who abused us in the bording school for the blind was also abusing our best friend. and we never knew. but one night our best friend walked in on us when he was abusing us. and then he started hurting her too. me and my twin hilary remember that night. so eileen was talking to me about it today. hilary was close by but she didnt come out to talk. she doesnt trust anyone. she gets really shy and is scared to talk to people. so she stayed inside. eileen kept asking me how she was doing. and how i was doing. after a while we sat together, eileen came over and sat right next to me, and then she held me, she put her arms on my shoulders and back and she held me, and that felt so nice. it felt so safe. i felt like someone cared. i told her i just want someone to believe me. she said hannah, i believe you. you know i do right? I did. I had a feeling she believed me. I am not sure how I knew that but I did. she said we could talk about some other stuff then. so we got to talk all about our body and how having did is weird because there is so many people sharing a body. and i asked eileen if she sees an adult when she’s talking to me. she said she sees an adult body but she knows I am a teen and I have different experiences to the adults. that she can see an adult sitting in front of her but when she talks to me or any of the insiders she experiences us at the age and stages that we’re at. I am glad she sees us for us. then she told me that she has parts too, but they arent pronounced like when you have did. but she said when she talks to people that parts of her have conflicting opinions, thoughts, feelings etc. that seemed strange to me. i never thought of her having parts that maybe think different things and have different thoughts and ideas. so that was cool to find out that she does. as we were talking she still kept holding me. she held me for about 40 minutes. i didnt want her to let go. when she finally did let go it was strange. my shoulders felt bare not having her hands on them. i had felt so grounded when she had her arms on my shoulders. the pressure really helped. I hope I get to talk to her again soon. I enjoyed the session today even though those memories came up for me. We only spent a few minutes on them. Eileen said we need to open things up slowly, like a trickle, and not rush into processing the memories. I am glad we’re not rushing to process them.
hannah age 13
sally is a 9 year old insider in our system. she isnt out much. when she is out, she is stuck in the past. she thinks its 1989. she doesnt know anything about our life now. she’s lost in the confusion of that time. when she does come out she’s always looking for our mom. she actually only really comes around when we’re with our mom. if she does come out while we’re at home, usually she’s very disorientated and confused and crying and just generally very distressed.
its hard to watch her like that. we talked a little about her in therapy today. i was telling eileen how when she is out and i am nearby, that it feels like i can do nothing to help her. it feels like a sheet of glass is between us and I cant penetrate it. I am blocked. I can hear things, see what is happening in real time, I just cant do anything about it.
eileen worked with me on trying to get some of my feelings of compassion and care to sally, that was tough. I didnt know how to get the feelings to her. that sheet of glass stops it. so then eileen had me bring sally close by me. and she spoke to her directly but with me still being out. that didnt make a huge difference really, sally just kept asking me who is this strange lady, and why is she talking to me?
she really hasnt a clue about things. she thinks her sister is still a baby. the main reason we were discussing sally today was because this morning, my sister came over to my moms before work, and I was chatting to her. sally came up to me and asked me, who are you talking to? whose that girl sitting next to you?
I had to explain to her that it was our sister, but when I did she just looked at me blankly.
eileen said we’re going to do some more work with her over the next few weeks. I am glad. I think she needs to be able to talk to eileen, and maybe get a little bit more familiar with our life now. Although I am not sure we can actually get her to thinking about what year it is now, or what time we’re in now. I am not sure she is capable of that or that she has the capacity to do it.
we’ll see I guess over the next few weeks.
I need to sanctify my soul
Free it from thoughts
that threaten to engulf me
bad, evil thoughts
of bad, evil people
sanctify my soul
free it from all pain
I just need to sanctify it
any time now
any time will do
I cannot deal
With the severe flashbacks
to pain from my past
to evil and sin
that I took part in
because others made me
Please sanctify it all
away now, god, please?
In response to the word of the day, which is sanctify
Like a lion
Hear me roar
the power is all mine!
as I roar
I am like a volcano
As the anger disapates
I sit, and my fear of the past evaporates