Torment

when fear grips you
and you feel trapped
unable to move
unable to breathe
you sit there
staring into space
caught in the memories
of the past
you are froz\en
your body wracked with sobs
you try to claw your way back
out of the flashback your now stuck in
this is what torment feels like
so gripped by fear
that minutes blurr into hours
you cant tell what is real and what isnt
you are stuck
in a neverending loop
will you ever be free?

NOT DOING SO WELL

HI GUYS
ITS LIZ HERE. WE DIDNT MENTION IT HERE BUT…
ON THURSDAY EVENING, SOMEONE FROM OUR PAST, ONE OF OUR MAIN ABUSERS, CONTACTED US VIA PHONE, AND EMAIL. THEY TRIGGERED RUBY AND SASSY, WHO IN TURN WROTE EILEEN, VERY UPSET. THEY WERE VERY DISTRESSED. AND VERY TRIGGERED.
THEY ARE ONLY 13, BOTH OF THEM ARE 13. WE SPENT THURSDAY NIGHT IN AGONY, IN SERIOUS EMOTIONAL PAIN, AND IN A HIGHLY TRIGGERED STATE.
SO ON FRIDAY WE WENT TO OUR PARENTS PLACE. WE WERE GOING THERE ANYWAY, BUT THE FACT THAT THIS HAPPENED, MADE US WANT TO GET OUT OF OUR OWN HOUSE, AND GO TO OUR PARENTS TO BE SAFE. WE JUST WANTED TO FEEL SAFE.
WE HAVENT HAD ANY MORE CONTACT, SINCE WE GOT BACK HOME. THANK FUCK! I WAS SO SCARED TO COME BACK HOME! I AM AFRAID OF THE ABUSERS, AS YOU WOULD BE. I MEAN, THEY DID AWFUL THINGS TO US, AND I AM AFRAID OF THEM.
TOMORROW WELL TODAY NOW AS ITS ALREADY MONDAY MORNING HERE, WE’RE SEEING DR. BARRY. I AM PLANNING ON SPEAKING TO HER ABOUT THIS. I AM PLANNING ON ASKING HER FOR SOME EXTRA SUPPORT, AS OUR MENTAL HEALTH HAS BEEN PRETTY BAD LATELY. THE ANXIETY HAS BEEN SUPER BAD, AND THIS LATEST INCIDENT OF CONTACT FROM AN ABUSER HASNT HELPED IT.
I AM GOING TO ASK HER IF SHE’LL EITHER PUT SUPPORT IN FROM THE WEEKEND TEAM, OR FROM OUR CPN SARAH. THE WEEKEND TEAM ARE A MENTAL HEALTH TEAM WHO CONTACT YOU OVER THE WEEKEND, THEY’LL CALL TO YOUR HOUSE, TO SUPPORT YOU. THEY CAN ALSO GIVE SUPPORT OVER THE PHONE.
YOU SEE, THIS IS GOING TO GET TOUGH. MY PARENTS ARE BOTH IN ILL HEALTH. MOM HAS COPD, AND MY DAD HAS BOWEL PROBLEMS, BRITTLE BONES, ARTERITIS, AND HE CAN BE A NIGHTMARE TO BE AROUND AT TIMES.
MY PLAN WAS TO STAY HOME SOME WEEKENDS, AND NOT GO TO THEIR HOUSE.
I STILL WANT TO DO THAT. BUT I CANT HAVE ALTERS BEING TRIGGERED BY PEOPLE CALLING, AND MAYBE EVEN SHOWING UP AT OUR DOOR. THE LITTLES WOULD OPEN IT WITHOUT HESITATION, THANK GOD EILEEN IS WORKING WITH THEM ON NOT DOING THAT.
BUT IF THE WEEKEND TEAM GAVE US SOME EXTRA SUPPORT, AT LEAST WE’D HAVE THEM CALLING AND CHECKING IN ON US. WHICH WOULD BE VERY HELPFUL.
I’M PRETTY SURE DR. BARRY WILL APPROVE THAT SUPPORT. SHE KNOWS WE WOULDNT ASK UNLESS IT WAS IMPORTANT, OR WE WERE DESPERATE.
WE HAVE A LOT TO TALK TO HER ABOUT TODAY. WE ALSO NEED TO TALK ABOUT OUR MOMS ILLNESS, ABOUT APPLYING FOR MORE PA HOURS, AND ABOUT THIS MOST RECENT CONTACT, ABOUT OUR SLEEP, EMOTIONAL STATE, ETC.
I FIND MYSELF JUMPING AT EVERY SOUND. I AM LISTENING OUT FOR UNKNOWN SOUNDS. WHEN I HEAR ANY UNFAMILIAR SOUND, I AM STARTING TO SHAKE UNCONTROLLABLY. I AM SO FEARFUL. ITS NO WAY TO BE OR LIVE.
SO WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING TO FIX IT!
I’LL LET YA’LL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS LATER ON WHEN WE SEE DR. BARRY!
LIZ

Nostalgia

Well I ended up going out today after all!
I went with my mom and my two aunts, we visited their two brothers, to hand out christmas gifts to them.
While we were there we got chatting. Mom and her siblings talked about when they were kids. So many awesome memories! It was so awesome to hear about their childhoods. They dont talk about them a lot.
They talked about christmases past, and their parents. One of the best memories they had was of their father bringing in bottles of coke, and saying, happy christmas, when these are gone they are gone, and my mom and her siblings never got soda, or coke, so it was a novelty to them to get it.
I just loved hearing about all the things they got up to!
It was the best afternoon. Not only because we caught up with each other, and handed out gifts, but just hearing about their memories, now that made my christmas eve!

Hannah goes to therapy

hi. my name is hannah. im 13. today i talked to eileen. i was so nervous to talk to her. i’ve had bad experiences with therapists in the past. but eileen is different. she’s so kind. and she’s very nice. she put me at ease. we chatted about a lot. some memories came up and we talked a little about them but we didnt go to much into them. i was glad. i dont like discussing memories. i know your meant to do that in therapy but i was scared. mostly it was memories of when we found out the care taker guy who abused us in the bording school for the blind was also abusing our best friend. and we never knew. but one night our best friend walked in on us when he was abusing us. and then he started hurting her too. me and my twin hilary remember that night. so eileen was talking to me about it today. hilary was close by but she didnt come out to talk. she doesnt trust anyone. she gets really shy and is scared to talk to people. so she stayed inside. eileen kept asking me how she was doing. and how i was doing. after a while we sat together, eileen came over and sat right next to me, and then she held me, she put her arms on my shoulders and back and she held me, and that felt so nice. it felt so safe. i felt like someone cared. i told her i just want someone to believe me. she said hannah, i believe you. you know i do right? I did. I had a feeling she believed me. I am not sure how I knew that but I did. she said we could talk about some other stuff then. so we got to talk all about our body and how having did is weird because there is so many people sharing a body. and i asked eileen if she sees an adult when she’s talking to me. she said she sees an adult body but she knows I am a teen and I have different experiences to the adults. that she can see an adult sitting in front of her but when she talks to me or any of the insiders she experiences us at the age and stages that we’re at. I am glad she sees us for us. then she told me that she has parts too, but they arent pronounced like when you have did. but she said when she talks to people that parts of her have conflicting opinions, thoughts, feelings etc. that seemed strange to me. i never thought of her having parts that maybe think different things and have different thoughts and ideas. so that was cool to find out that she does. as we were talking she still kept holding me. she held me for about 40 minutes. i didnt want her to let go. when she finally did let go it was strange. my shoulders felt bare not having her hands on them. i had felt so grounded when she had her arms on my shoulders. the pressure really helped. I hope I get to talk to her again soon. I enjoyed the session today even though those memories came up for me. We only spent a few minutes on them. Eileen said we need to open things up slowly, like a trickle, and not rush into processing the memories. I am glad we’re not rushing to process them.
hannah age 13

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