hi. is anyone there? i havent written here in a while.
I’m so confused. I am half in and half out. Carol anne is out with me, and I keep missing what is going on. She isnt in the best mood either. So its doubly hard.
Im trying to listen to nitros breaths. He’s snoring softly beside me.
I love him. He makes everything feel safer.
If anyones around, I could use a chat.
it me taylor. and gess wat? i taked us to therapy this week. i was out wen we goted ther. im not usuly loud to be ote, but it wasnt my fault cuz tha bigs were all not able to front, thay was feelin icky and depresed and sad. so i came ote in the midle of the nite, and me and emily stayed up and got us dressed and emily came ote in the taxi cuz she can sorta act lik a gron up but then wen we goted to eileens ofise i came ote and wen eileen came in she got a suprise! she said i did good to get us ther in one piece! but she said i needed to let her try to talk to the adults and go inside and rest. so i did. and she was able to get liz and that was ok then cuz liz can take care of us. i was glad cuz it fils betr wen liz is out or carol anne. they can take care of fings then. but i did a good job and i was hapy she thot so too!
this week i have to work on making time for the kids. eileen said so.
the little rascals told her I wasnt giving them enough time out to play, watch cartoons, etc.
so well, i promised them that every day this week for an hour or two one or two of them whoever wanted to can come out and do whatever they would like to do, within reason of course.
this made them super happy. they were all hugging me in turn.
the truth is? i’m super nervous. since we started the ILS course I am very careful how and when the kids come around. I dont want them to have a bad experience with staff here, or other residents etc.
I guess I want to protect them?
But in our did reassessment recently remy did say its important for me to give them some set time every day. That it may help us at night when they seem to become very activated.
So we’ll give it a try I guess. See how it goes.
ok. here we go. emotion overload. flashback central. oh god. nightmare. i dont know what to do, its just, overwhelm. i am feeling, trying to feel into the emotion before it overtakes me. its. not. working. i think i’m going to desolve into tears. really feel switchy. not sure i can stay out front. trying…just not sure i can do it.
i had a great apt with dr. barry yesterday. we mostly talked about me starting the independent living skills course. i told her i have been trying to implement some things so that uncontrollable switching does not occur during the day while we are working on the classes, because the staff at the residential centre where I’ll be living are only trained to work with disabled people, they arent trained to work with mental illness. although there will be at least 3 of us with mental illnesses living there. i know this because two of the other girls who live there told me they struggle with mental illnesses. but anyways. i dont want the younger parts coming out at inappropriate times. i am going to work next week in therapy on implementing some strategies to avoid this if i can. i will make a team of insiders me and a few others, who will participate in the classes during the day. i think that will be the best thing to do. then the kids can come out in the evenings when we’re alone in our apartment. they can watch tv, play games on our phone, blog etc. that way its fair and everyone gets to have time out in the body. dr. barry thought this was a great idea. we talked about my anxiety around starting. i am a little anxious but i suppose thats to be expected. i know there is going to be six of us doing the course, 3 guys and 3 girls. the thing I am most anxious about is using public transport. I just have no confidence, despite my trainer nathalie telling me that she thinks i’d be fine and be able to do it with no problems. when my mental illness got severe some years back i stopped doing routes with my dog, i didnt go anywhere alone, i always took a taxi places etc. i’m determined that on this independent living skills course that I will change this. I want my independence back again, plus also if I dont tackle it now, when it comes time for Nitro to retire they will not give me a new dog. I just have to be brave and face my fears head on. Wish me luck guys.
my motive in writing this post is to explain what did is. did, or dissociative identity disorder is the mental illness, or one of them, that I struggle with. did used to be called multiple personality disorder or mpd. the diagnosis name was changed to dissociative identity disorder in the early 90’s. when you have did you can be known as a system of alters or parts. there is the host, or the birth person, and then there are the alters, or parts. everyone shares the body. when you change from one part to another its called switching. you may have seen the tv show united states of tara, did is not really portrayed well in that show. the media flaunts it as usual. switching is not really as bizarre or outrageous as its made out to be in that show. alters can be any age and of both genders. you can even have alters who are non human, animals, or inanimate objects. we do not in our system have alters who are inanimate objects, but we do have a couple animal alters. there are many different types of alters, including protectors, child alters, angry parts, age sliders, teens, adults, we have darks, these are alters whose role was to work against the system. some can be self destructive. did can be a crazy roller coaster ride. some days it can be a challenge to live with. but when things are stable and everyone is happy it can be a blessing. there is always someone in the system to do what you cannot. dissociation is a tool I used to survive. I needed to survive abuse, and dissociation helped me immensely to go on living.
The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS Sept. 9/17
dr. barry and I had a great chat yesterday. I told her I’d applied for the job of a peer support worker. She knew about the job. And she was very supportive of me applying. She did say she felt it would be a challenging role. But she said it was only challenging because its a new initiative. And when new initiatives come on stream, they are challenging for all employees. She said it would be good if I was able to speak to someone either in this country or in another country who’d already worked in a similar role. I hadnt thought of doing that. It is something to consider. She said it will be a challenge working with other service users, and also working with other mental health professionals who may not have worked in this type of role before. They might be set in their ways, so it might take them some time to adjust to this way of working. I know she’s right. I’m up for the challenge though. She said she just did not want my mental health to be compramised in any way. But she feels if its something I am passionate about that I should go for it. I’m so happy she is supporting me. Everything is good right now and I’d really like to have it stay that way for a while. The fact that I’ve done this is giving me purpose. A reason to be happy. A reason to feel good. She said if I dont get it she knows I’ll be disappointed but that she hopes it wont devastate or overwhelm me. I dont think it is going to though. I think I am just happy to try for it. If I get it of course I’ll be ecstatic. If I dont yeah I’ll be disappointed but I wont crumble. We spent most of the appointment talking about the role and what it would be like for me to work. I dont think I’m done talking about it yet. I told her about the last therapy session we’d had. About how we are working on me being there for the younger insiders and being more mindful of switching and when and how that happens. She thought that was good and a wise idea. We set the next appointment for 10 days time again. That was my choice. I felt able to go 10 days without seeing her. I’m proud that I can do that. Its a huge step for us. I was all dressed up when I went to see her because of it being world mental health day and I was participating in an event for that. She said I looked lovely. I blushed and said thank you. But it felt so good to be complimented by her. I’m very happy with how the appointment went.