I am a survivor

I climb in the shower
Let the water run
It pours over my body
Hot, but then
I cool it down a little
The shower is so healing
I stand there
Washing my day away
washing my pain
And sadness
and emotional overwhelm away
as water pours
I think about life
How I am surviving it
On a daily basis
Its hard, but I am doing it
and I will continue to do it
No matter what
Surviving, is what I am good at
and as the water soaks my skin
I listen
I hear my own heartbeat
and I know
I am alive
I have survived

Up and about

I am up and about again. Its just gone 4 AM.
I couldnt sleep. I only went to bed at 1 AM. I only slept for 2.5 hours.
Its very frustrating. I wish I was able to settle for longer. I didnt even nap yesterday afternoon, in fact I stayed awake all day and evening, I’d been up since 6 AM yesterday morning.
I made a coffee and put the radio on.
I had better go take my morning meds. Or is it too early? I dont know. I suppose it isnt.
I’ve been struggling to remember my meds. That could be part of the problem.
At least my internet works. Thank god.

Not ok, this is emily

Its me emily. and I am hurting.
im sad tonight. i had a hard day.
i felt so down. depressed. life is not worth living some days.
My body hates me. I’ve been super ill today. I threw up four times this morning, from having flashbacks, it was horrible.
I been anxious and hurting all day. I had to nap earlier in the afternoon because I felt so bad.
Im realy strugling!
Could use some support. is anyone around?
butterfly hugs
love, em

In the dark of the night

tears fall
i sit in the dark of the night
a little light shines
its getting brighter now
somehow
i know
it will be ok
i can do this
i can make it
just need
a hand
to hold me
someone to lean on
light shines brighter now
birds start to sing
the day begins

Just talked to my partner Jess

I just got off the phone to jess, jess is my long time long distance partner, she is currently in a psychiatric nursing home in Kewanee IL. She’s been there now for over 5 years, or it will be 5 years on june 2nd. I miss her so much every day, we used to visit each other often, I was constantly going to IL to visit her. She has did, and other mental health issues including bipolar, and ptsd.
We have talked now for the past 2 nights. For a long time each time, like maybe 40 minutes. It has been so nice to just talk to her, catch up, see how all of her system are doing etc.
She’s in good spirits, and I told the littles in her system I’d send them some treats, so after we talked, I got on amazon and I sent her some reeces peanut butter cups, som eoreos and some T.G.I. Friday potato skins. I love when I can treat them to nice things, as the food in the nursing homes pretty bad. And with the covid19, they aren’t seeing their adoptive mom now either, she is their only visitor on a regular basis.
I miss them all so much. I’m happy I get to talk to them though. At least we can still be in touch via phone. I wish I could do more for them, but I cant and I just have to accept that, accept my limitations.

morning has come

at last
morning comes
Light streams in through my window
I bathe in it
Basquing in its beauty
Welcome to a brand new day
Today is going to be
The day that I
Will be free
From fear, from terror
From pain, from sadness
Today is going to be
The day that I
Thrive, and not just thrive
but survive