I’M A HOT MESS TONIGHT. OH YES I AM. TRYING TO HELP LIZ RUN THINGS IN OUR SYSTEM, WELL ITS HER SYSTEM NOT MINE BUT I AM HELPING HER OUT SHE IS STRESSING OUT. REPORTER ALTERS ARE AROUND AND THEY ARE TRYING TO CAUSE CHAOS. ZOE AND ALANNA BOTH ARE WORKING IN THERAPY WITH EILEEN NOW AND THAT HAS STIRRED UP OTHERS AND THEY ARE WREAKING HAVOC. ITS A NIGHTMARE. WE’RE JUST A CRAZY HOT MESS. AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR THE BEST. THESE ALTERS NEED NEW JOBS. CONTACTING OUR ABUSERS FROM THE PAST BECAUSE THEY THINK ITS THEIR JOB, THATS JUST NUTS.
In all that bothers you, show strength and spirit by changing your view and everything else will follow. From one warrior to another I want you to know, it is not wise to embrace what does not give you joy.
My heart beats fast
I am sucked into the past
I kick, I scream
To no avail
I cant get away from it
I just have to sit with it
It threatens to pull me under
I fight to get back on even ground again
I count to 10
As i exhale
Breathe, I tell myself
Constantly reminding myself its over
I’m not back there
Here in my house
with my dog
My stuff all around me
I am free
In the free world
and its 2017
I REMEMBER ALL THE LITTLE PILLS BEING IN MY HANDS. AROUND 20 OR 30 OF THEM. AS I SWALLOWED THEY GOT STUCK IN MY THROAT.
I KEPT SWALLOWING DESPITE THE NEED TO JUST VOMIT. I HAD TO GET ALL OF THEM DOWN. MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.
I WAS GOING TO DIE THAT NIGHT NO MATTER WHAT IT TOOK. I HAD MADE UP MY MIND. THIS WAS GOING TO BE THE END FOR ME
I FELL INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS AND SOME TIME LATER I AWOKE TO HEAR A FEMALE VOICE. ASKING ME LOTS OF QUESTIONS. EVERYTHING FELT SO FUZZY. BUT I REMEMBER HER CLEARLY SAYING, WHERE IS THE BABY? WHAT BABY? I TRIED TO TELL HER I DID NOT HAVE KIDS. SHE WOULDNT BELIEVE ME. SHE WOULDNT LISTEN. THE BABY? WHERE IS THE BABY?
THE MAN WHO WAS WITH HER TRIED TO GET ME TO TALK ALSO BUT I COULDNT, I JUST WANTED TO CLOSE MY EYES FOREVER. OPEN YOUR EYES, STAY AWAKE, WE’RE GOING TO GET YOU TO THE HOSPITAL SOON.
I PROTESTED, NO, I DONT WANT TO, LEAVE ME HERE, I’LL BE DEAD SOON…BUT NOBODY WAS LISTENING TO ME.
THEY DID GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL THAT NIGHT. I DID LIVE. AND I LATER FOUND OUT THE REASON WHY THEY THOUGHT I HAD A BABY? THEY CAME INTO MY HOUSE, LOOKED AROUND AT ALL THE TOYS, LOOKED AT ME, AND THOUGHT THIS IS WEIRD, THERE MUST BE KIDS LIVING HERE.
THATS ONE TIME WHEN I WISHED I DIDNT HAVE DID. BECAUSE TRYING TO CONVINCE THEM THAT ONLY ME A GROWN ADULT WAS LIVING HERE WAS A COMPLETE NIGHTMARE.
as it begins
you claw at your skin
the fuzziness takes hold
and you start to go
you float away
far far away
you are gone
and parts take control
will you ever feel whole?
that doesnt seem likely
you start to see
just how broken you are
just how dissociated you are
memories swallow you up
and you start to cry
you want peace
just some space from this hell your living in
but you never get peace
you just keep on surviving
because that is what survivors do
Another blog friend of mine is doing the 100 happy days challenge so I thought I would do it too. It will be something good to focus on each day, and it will really make me have to think about my day and what was good in it. So I’ll start the challenge today. The challenge is a photo challenge but I’m better at writing and anyway I cant really take my own photos due to my blindness so I’ll alter it to be a writing challenge.
Look out for my first 100 days of happiness post later this evening!
tomorrow I am going to ask eileen for a hug. first thing. I need a hug from her so badly! just to feel that sense of connection between us.
It feels kind of lost on me today. I know it really isnt though, its just me…I cant feel her, I cant imagine her so it feels like she isnt
But tomorrow we will talk. we will talk and we will have a cuddle and the sense of connection will return. She will sit beside me holding my hand and I will feel ok. I will feel secure in the knowledge that someone gets me, someone is there for me.