I need to just write

I cant sleep. I’m wide awake and its almost 3 AM. THis is crazy. I feel crazy. I feel anxious and overwhelmed. I’ve been thinking a lot tonight. About my situation and about being denied pa hours. Its really difficult. Am I not worthy of a service? Do the powers that be think I am not ill enough? I dont meet theire requirements? If I knew the requirements that would be something. As it is I dont. Dr. barry and Karen and mark have all put letters of recommendation in. They’ve outlined my issues, my diagnosis, my needs. Still nothing. Its making me angry and agitated and overwhelmed and irritated and filling me with rage. Parts want to rage at these people. Send them nasty emails. But we cant do that. Rationally I know this. The rational part of me is slowly fading tonight though. I’m a hot mess. I just want to crawl into bed and never get up. I go from angry to defeated. Its terrible and an awful feeling swinging between the two. I took a shower to try to calm myself down. I let the water run on my body and i cried. i cried because i feel worthless and alone and sad and useless. i feel defeated and like nothing i do is ever good enough, like i am not good enough to recieve services, so i have to suffer and struggle. please let this night end. i cant take any more.