I feel like shit. My mood plummeted. Really quickly.
I feel low, so so low.
Suicidal, impulsive, scared I might do something irrational.
Its hard to think. Its hard to put it into words.
I feel like shit and I feel like a failure. I can do nothing right.
its late. and i’ve been thinking. and i hate when i start to think, because my mind starts going in a lot of directions. i start going to dark places, thinking dark thoughts.
tonight i’ve been thinking about all the suicide attempts I’ve had in the past. and how none of them ever worked. then i start to wonder, why? was there a reason? was I just lucky?
sometimes I am glad they never worked. on my good days I am so glad. but on my bad days I just want an end to the pain, no matter what I have to do to achieve it.
its hard living with anxiety and depression, its hard to go through each day faking happiness. smiling when inside your actually dying.
some nights here nitro is my reason for holding on. i love him and i would never ever want him to be left all alone. he wouldnt understand, and so i bring him to me and we cuddle and i snuggle into his soft fur and will myself to hold on for just another day.
this is jade. we are very very suicidal. actually, emily is very very suicidal. she almost overdosed. i am scared. we’re alone, and have means to end it. trying desperately to do everything we can to manage this. manage the feelings. distract. cope. its all very well saying all that. doing it is another thing. just the feelings have overwhelmed us, memories have overwhelmed emily. she is unstable aned frightened and irrational. the scary thing is she could if she chose to block all of us and take the pills, without any of us knowing. she has that sort of power. right now i’m watching her like a hawk. i’m not letting her out of my sight. if anyones around if you have some time maybe we could talk?
jade and emily
its 2:30 AM. I dont feel safe. I feel like I could do something impulsive to end things. suicidal thoughts are invading my mind.
I hate that. I hate when it happens.
Death is all I can think about. I’m in a very dark place.
I just cant see a reason to keep on going.
everything feels black and awful. i feel like i am drowning.
i’m just not safe.
thoughts blurr, mind spins, do it, dont, distract, react, oh god someone anyone help me.
today marks 2 years since we self harmed, or overdosed. I’m very proud of how far we’ve come.
Its hard to resist the urge to do something when we are desperate, but we havent, and I am proud of that fact.
Heres to another year self harm free!
todays been good. my pa came this morning. as usual she was early, i was barely awake when she arrived. that was ok though, i’m used to her being early by now. if she was late i’d be shocked. i had breakfast, i kinda didnt stick to my healthy foods today, i had sausage and hash browns that needed to be used up so i got her to cook those for me. then i got in the shower while she started cleaning. she vacumed, mopped the floors, made the bed, cleaned the kitchen, etc. all while i was showering, getting my hair dried etc. lol we make a great team.
we chatted then for a while. we mostly chatted about dogs. she is a huge dog lover and well so am i and we just chatted about our dogs. then i got her to go to the store for me because i felt really thirsty, i mean i was like if i dont get a drink soon i’ll die kinda thirsty lol. and i had a craving for coke. luckily there is a store 5 mins away from where i live. she she got me my fix.
then i started checking email. i got some good news. clodagh who is in charge of the independent living skills course at abode, which is where i was on respite last week, emailed me to tell me she had put my application before the assessment panel and it was approved. the bad news is that the one apartment that is used for someone who is on the course is being used right now, so it means i wouldnt be able to live there while i completed the course. i wont be starting right away either, the earliest i’ll be starting is in july. and the latest i could be offered a place would be next March. it really depends on when my name comes to the top of the waiting list.
i was so happy though to get her email. i also got an email from the chairperson whose on the bord of directors at shine. i was a member of the bord for the past 2 years. i recently decided to step down from being on the bord, because i felt i wasnt in the right emotional space to do the work it required. he wrote me a nice letter which was emailed to me today. he said very nice things in it and thanked me for the work and time i put into being on the bord.
when i got done checking email kristen dropped me to my parents house. and i’ll be here now until sunday. the rest of my day was chillaxed. i didnt get up to much. talked to mom for a while, then she went grocery shopping with my sister, i stayed home with my dad and the kiddos. had a long talk with my dad about his ongoing bowel problems. he’s seeing the gastroenterologist tomorrow. he’s been vomiting and had diarrhea all week and has already been to his gp twice about it. they’ve sent stool samples to the lab and he’s waiting for results of those to come back, they are thinking he’s gotten a bug in hisbowel. he already has an ulcerated colon, leesions on it which so far they’ve done nothing about. i’m hopeful this gastro doc will do something for him soon.
my friend rose also texted me this afternoon to say she was waiting in the psych ward to be assessed, she went there because she felt suicidal. i chatted via text with her for a while. she is one of dr. barrys patients too. the junior doc on dr. barrys team saw her and he went and spoke with dr. barry after asking her a ton of questions. however she was sent home with a referral to the home base crisis team, she was really angry with dr. barry, saying to me that she feels dr. barrys avoiding her, i asked her if she honestly believed that? she kept saying yes that she’s proved it over and over. I said but i thought you got along with dr. barry and liked her? apparently she doesnt.
the rest of my evening i just ordered some new books on audible, watched some tv, and that was about it. i ordered a book called but inside i’m screaming. it looks really good. about a journalist who ends up in a psych ward and has to come to terms with her past and find herself. i also orders a book by elizabeth ford about her work in belville hospital in new york, she is a psychiatrist, and wrote about her work with the patients of bellview. i’m looking forward to reading both of those soon.
What in your opinion causes your mood to go down?