die

i need to die
i need to die
i need to die
i’ll find a way
today
no one cares
no one hears
no one is there
its a lonely feeling
my head is reeling
the pressure in my brain
oh god, i’m going insane
i need to die
i need to, i need to
i just need to go away
out of everyones way
raven

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Poem…the house

This house is full of horrors,
This house, it owns no love.
The air is filled with madness,
The floor boards moan in sadness.
The sounds it makes at night,
And the walls, blood red and white,
Represent the turmoil thats going on inside,
But everything is perfect on the outside.
The grass is trimmed,
The flowers bloomed,
The hedges cut,
The paint renewed,
So people walking by they smile,
And continue on their way.
But the house it cannot move,
For a house wasnt built with feet to run,
Or a mouth or eyes,
To tell you somethings wrong.
This house it carries on,
It has to stand up strong,
To support the demons ruining
All the paint work.
They will rip it all to shreds,
Tare it up until its nearly dead,
Without a detectable scratch upon the surface.
The house it cannot show
The scars it bares inside,
And its figured thats all itll ever deserve.
Theres no way to break the cycle
trust me its tried,
And all its done is made itself cry,
Which resulted in a leak down from the roof.
The house was beat
And still no outward proof.
There never was,
Nor will there ever be,
Someone there to help it carry on.

Its ok, we’re ok

we’re ok. wendy is ok. i managed to get her to go back inside. she was having a meltdown. because our dad was yelling at us. that always triggers us. yelling. he yells a lot. everything was wrong with him today. he moans about everything. its so frustrating. then he takes his moods out on us. that hurts. wendy was just verbalising her hurt. i’m sorry if it worried anyone. we’re ok though. we’ll be ok.
carol anne

DONE, SO DONE

I’M JUST DONE FUCK LIFE FUCK EVERYTHING I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY MIND I HATE MY THOUGHTS I JUST…I JUST HATE IT ALL…HELP, SOMEONE PLEASE KILL ME BEFORE I KILL MYSELF…
CANNOT DO THIS CANT JUST CANT. DO IT ANY MORE.
WENDY

THINGS LOOK BETTER THIS MORNING

ITS ME LIZ AGAIN. THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR ALL OF THE SUPPORT LAST NIGHT WHEN WENDY WAS SUICIDAL. WE REALLY APPRECIATE IT. WENDY IS SAFE. SHE DID NOT DO ANYTHING THANK GOODNESS. SHE WAS JUST IN A LOT OF EMOTIONAL PAIN AND WAS BEING IMPULSIVE. AS YOU DO WHEN SUICIDAL. SHE IS OK THOUGH. SHE HAS CALMED DOWN. I WONT NAME THE PERSON WHO TOLD HER THAT SHE WAS BEING DRAMATIC AND TO SUCK IT UP AND DEAL WITH IT BUT NEEDLESS TO SAY WE ARE NO LONGER GOING TO SPEAK TO THIS PERSON. WE WILL CUT THEM COMPLETELY OUT OF OUR LIFE. WE HAVE TO FOR OUR OWN SANITY. THEY ARE TOXIC AND NO GOOD FOR US. THIS MORNING THOUGH, THINGS LOOK BETTER. WE SLEPT WELL. WE WOKE UP FEELING REFRESHED. TODAY IS A NEW DAY. WE ARE STRONG. WE ARE CAPABLE OF FACING ANYTHING LIFE THROWS AT US. WE WONT GIVE UP. WE HAVE SURVIVED TOO MUCH TO GIVE UP THE FIGHT NOW. SO YES, WE WILL KEEP ON FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT.
LIZ

Suck it up buttercup

my emotions are scary. i’m scared. but I was told. suck it up. so suck it up I will. suck it up buttercup. suck it up and deal. the world does not revolve around you. you are just one of millions of people. lots of people get emotional. lots of people find it hard to cope. lots of people have shitty things happen to them. yes. yes they do. so suck it up. deal with it. life goes on. it might go on. but without me. I wont be here. i’m don’e. finished. finite. cant do this any more.

no college tonight and other things

so i found out that the college i go to is closed today. so i have no classes tonight. so that gives me time to get caught up on my reflective learning journal, of which i have two weeks to catch up on, but am i doing that? noooo, of course I’m not. I’m procrastinating.
Kristen came this morning…it was her second last day of working with us. She did some cleaning, went to starbux for us, and helped us make breakfast. we got a pumpkin spice latte in starbux. it was delicious, my first one of the season.
i decided to go stay with mom and dad tonight and tomorrow night. i’m going to see dr. barry tomorrow morning, and then in the afternoon I’m going to a conference on mental health, run by the counselling service at the basement club. my friend norma is coming with me. it should be good. the theme of it is mind your mind.
i read this morning on facebook that another storm is set to hit us at the weekend. not as bad as ophelia but still bad enough with high winds and lots of rain. thats all we need…