I got a secret

hihhihihiii everybody
well i gots a secret
except now its out
i telled dr. barry today
i couldnt keep it to myself any longer
so it is this
i been stockpiling meds
cuz i was going to kill myself
and i was saving up tablets to do it
i was saving a few each week from our weekly script
and now i have a ton of them
i talked a lot with dr barry this morning
she said its good to talk
and she encouraged me to keep talkin
cuz she said if i dont
everything will build and build up inside of me
and that wont be good
so she telled me to get liz
and she asked liz to get rid of the meds safely
dispose of them i mean
so liz will do it for me
so i wont do something
cuz when we had contact from our abusers
they told us
that we are bad and horrible and dirty
and that no one likes us
and we’d be better off if we died
cuz we’re no use to anyone
so that why then i wanted to end it
cuz it is makin me depressed
and sad and feel so alone
so i just felt i needed to do it
dont hate me guys
please dont hate me
cuz i was honest
and i told dr. barry
and she wasnt even mad at me
she was kind, very kind and caring
and it makes me love her even more
cuz how does she like me
after everything
how does she still like me
i dont know
but im glad i telled her
cuz now its out
and now i am going to tell eileen too
i texted her a few minutes ago
and i ask her if she can talk this evening
and if we do
i’ll tell her then
i wont wait until tomorrow cuz i know its important
and she needs to know
butterfly hugs
loves you
emily age 12

dark thoughts…

that familiar ache
it grips me
it haunts me
it penetrates
it makes me squirm
i cry silent tears
the darkness engulfs me
overtakes me
i am in so much pain
the pain feels like its killing me
emotional pain
there is no rest
no relief
no getting away from it
darkness is my friend
my constant companion
especially at night
oh how I wish
the night would end
the darkness would subside
Oh how I wish
for peace from this pain
Will it ever come?

Working on us week 16 passive suicidal ideation

This week I again participate in Beckys working on us prompt.

This weeks topic is passive suicidal ideation. For anyone, the difference between passive and suicidal ideation is essentially I wish I was dead (passive) vs. I want to kill myself (active).

Prompt #1

Write a narrative about yourself and/or someone you know that is believed to think Passive Suicidal Ideation

I have suffered from this. I still do. I go from passive, to active, and then back to passive. I think its like that for a lot of people actually. For me the passive part of it is the scary part. When your in active SI you have the energy to do something, to actually go through with it. When your passively thinking about it, it seems to be far worse. At least, thats how it is for me anyway. Wishing I was dead, wishing I didnt exist, wishing I wasnt around any more, that feels awful and scary to me. even though at the time I am wishing it and thinking it, I dont seem to really care one way or another.

I am glad I havent had any SI thoughts in a while. Not bad ones. I’ve had fleating thoughts every so often, but nothing major, I am so thankful for that much.

Having support while your suicidal is the best thing. Getting help, reaching out that is the most important thing I think. Talking about it, not being afraid to ask someone if they are thinking about suicide or feeling suicidal, that is the only way to end the stigma of suicide.

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Welcome to my world!

Napping feels so good! I didnt end up going to my appointment! I stayed home and decided it could wait. I’ll go next week maybe! Instead of rushing around and trying to be there for 3 PM I stayed home, and I napped. And it was bliss. Welcome to my world!
Self care, yay! I love self care!
I needed to take care of us too, since Liz wasnt doing well this morning. So I made it my business to be kind to us, and to her, too.
She’s doing a lot better now though. Thank god for that! I hate when she’s doing badly, it scares me, as she is so strong, and I get scared if she’s feeling bad that she’ll do something impulsive!
She didnt though. So the plan now for me for the rest of this evening, is to take a nice warm shower, and then watch a little tv and or read for a while.


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In a dark place

Its 2:34 in the morning. Despite my best efforts, I am wide awake!

I am feeling very low. I just feel awful. I feel so so down. My thoughts are dark. I feel an urge to do something really impulsive.

this is not good! Not good at all!

I am so not ok!

If I disappeared, I wonder would anyone notice, or care?

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Dr. barry has a plan for me

I had an apt with dr. barry yesterday. We were really struggling, so it was good to see her. We got to talk honestly to her about things. That felt awesome. I was so glad to be able to get to do that. I told her about Emily and Liz struggling with suicidal ideation and self harm urges. She reminded me that even though they still struggle, that nowadays they have a lot more resources, and coping skills, meaning they dont automatically resort to old behaviours. Thats true, but its sometimes hard for me to see it. I told dr. barry that I am afraid to say we’re managing better now, because I am afraid if I say that, then something will happen to set us back, or I am afraid if I admit to myself that actually we cope better now, that we’ll end up back at square one again, and be back to self harming, or trying to overdose, and ending up in the hospital. things like that. She understood my fears, but she said that she wanted me to know that she thinks despite all thats going on right now that we’re still doing really well and we should be proud of that. We talked about sleep, and I told her about our sleep patterns being all out of wack, she asked me how much sleep I was getting each night, and i had to tell her that I am getting very little. In fact I told her I’d pretty much given up on sleeping regular hours. She told me not to give up on it, that we needed a plan, so lets make one. So we did. She decided to take me off of the haldol, and put me on fenergan instead, she told me to take 25 to 50 mg of fenergan every night, she said start off taking 25, and if I need a second one that I can take it. My fear about taking it is that it is going to make me groggy and not be able to function the next morning, but she said she didnt think that would happen. So thats good, and I told her I’m willing to try it, she’s also increasing my prazosin, from 3 MG to 4 MG, and she’s going to increase it more over the next few weeks, but she said we need to increase it slowly, so I am starting off with 4 MG and going up from there. So as well as taking the fenergan I will also be taking prazosin, and we’re kinda hoping the combo of the two meds will help me sleep better, dr. barry said if I dont sleep then I wont cope, or function at all, and I’ll end up really sick, which I do agree with. We also talked about work, and I told her that I was struggling with that a little, she said its probably due to the not sleeping. I told her I’d decided to get a part time job, and once this crisis passes, I will be applying for jobs, and hopefully becoming more serious about it. She said she thinks I am doing the right thing in waiting a little while before getting more serious about looking for work. I need to ask her about writing me a letter about my mental health, so that I can apply for a longterm medical card, I forgot to mention that to her yesterday, so when I se her again in two weeks I’ll ask her then about it. It was a productive appointment, and at the end of it, when she walked me out to the front entrance, she placed a hand on my shoulder, and gently said to me, your doing amazingly well, be proud, your doing all the right things, and its going to be ok, I am very proud of you. During our apt I’d told her about reaching out for support on my blog on Monday night, the night we were really suicidal. She said she thinks the blog is fabulous, especially at night, when most people arent available, she thinks its good that I have the support of people who read my blog. I do too.

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