Sunshine blogger award

Hi guys 😀
the lovely and very sweet beckey from beckys mental mess has nominated me for an award, the sunshine blogger award.
Rather than do the whole award thing type the rules, nominate blogs, etc I am just going to answer her 11 questions that she has asked me.
So, here goes.

  1. Which do you prefer to watch, the Winter Olympic Games or the Summer Olympic Games, and why? The summer olympics, when I watch, because the summer is just a nicer time of year IMO.
  2. If you were to live by yourself [no outside contact], where do you prefer you live – the forest or the beach, and why? The beach! I love the ocean and its so peaceful, I’d be in heaven!
  3. If you were to choose a fictional character to sit and chat with, who might that be? Hmmm not sure, I dont read a lot of fiction, but maybe hmmm who? maybe someone like edward from the twilight series?
  4. Do you prefer to read, go to the movies, or watch TV on your day off? definitely I prefer to read!
  5. When you are nominated for any blogger award, how long does it normally take for you to answer, and create questions? usually a few days, to a week, sometimes I fall behind on my blog reading and answering.
  6. What one song always puts a smile on your face? cant hold us by mackelmoore!
  7. What do you fear in life [could include phobias]? bees, rats, mice, spiders, death.
  8. What advice would you give your younger self if you could? I would tell her to always be kind, because you never know what battles other people are fighting on the inside.
  9. If you could turn back the hands of time in your life, what would you have done differently, and why? I wouldnt have tried to kill myself, I think every day how lucky I am to have survived death so many times, as I tried multiple times to end my life.
  10. What is the wackiest outfit you ever wore in public [not including Haloween]? My Pj’s. I wore them out in the garden last week!
  11. Be honest now – did you find that I had difficulty thinking of questions to ask you, fine people? No, definitely not! These were thought provoking, you did well becky! xo

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HURTING…

I AM HURTING EVERYTHING IS A MESS MY EMOTIONS ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE I CANT DEAL I JUST CANT DEAL I FEEL SO OVERWHELMED I WANT TO CUT I THINK THAT’D MAKE ME FEEL BETTER AT LEAST TEMPORARILY I KNOW I WONT THOUGH I WILL NOT DO WHAT MY EMOTIONS ARE TELLING ME TO DO THOUGH INSTEAD I WILL SIT HERE I WILL READ MY BOOK I WILL DRINK COFFEE I WILL TRY NOT TO WALLOW I WILL TRY TO DISTRACT BY GOING THROUGH EMAIL AND THEN FACE TIMING MY FRIEND LATER TONIGHT I COULD REALLY USE SOME SUPPORT IF ANYONE CAN MANAGE IT
THANKS,
LIZ

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3 new books

tonight I did a little bit of retail therapy and bought myself 3 new books from audible.
they are all books on mental illness.
the books i bought are:
out came the sun by meriel hemingway
a common struggle by patrick j. kennedy
and
between breaths by elizabeth vargas
they all look to be very good from the synopsis of them.
Im looking forward to reading all of them.
when I am done I’ll be sure and review them on my blog.

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I CARE IF YOU KILL YOURSELF

WENT TO THERAPY THIS MORNING. TALKED FOR A LONG TIME WITH EILEEN ABOUT WHAT I DID LAST WEEK STOCKPILING THE MEDS. SHE WAS SHOCKED. WE TALKED ABOUT HOW THE FRONT SYSTEM MEMBERS WHO FRONT REGULARLY LOOK LIKE THEY ARE ALL FINE, BUT THE ONES WHO ARE FURTHER BACK, LIKE ME ARENT. SHE ASKED ME TO EXPLAIN THINGS TO HER SO I DID. AND SHE GOT IT.
ONE THING SHE SAID TO ME THOUGH WAS
“I CARE VERY MUCH ABOUT YOU”
“I CARE WHETHER YOU ARE ALIVE OR NOT”
“I’D BE SO SAD IF ANYTHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO YOU”
I REALLY DIDNT THINK ANYONE CARED. I FELT SO ALONE WITH MY FEELINGS. I REALLY thought I WAS alone with them.
IT FEELS SO GOOD TO KNOW SHE’S BEHIND US. SHE CARES. SHE WANTS US TO LIVE. IT MAKES ME WANT TO LIVE TOO.
SHE SAID WE’LL KEEP WORKING ON MANAGING FEELINGS. TALKING ABOUT THEM AND MANAGING THEM IN SMALL CHUNKS.
I TOLD HER WE’RE OFF OF OUR MEDS, BUT WE’LL BE TALKING WITH DR. BARRY ABOUT RESTARTING THEM ON WED. SHE WAS OK WITH THAT. SHE SAID WE NEED TO DISCUSS WAYS OF THIS SITUATION NOT REOCCURING. LIKE TRYING TO COME UP WITH SOME SOLUTIONS FOR TAKING MEDS SAFELY.
IT WAS A TOUGH SESSION. ONE I WASNT LOOKING FORWARD TO. BUT I AM GLAD I TALKED TO HER. JUST KNOWING SHES THERE FOR US REALLY HELPS AND MAKES A HUGE DIFFERENCE.
WILLOW

my Day with mom at the lake

mom and me had an awesome day together. it was so nice to spend time on my own with my mom, just me and her. We talked a lot. About all sorts of things. We laughed a lot too.

we left moms house at about 11:45 AM. We took a bus to the lake. The cemetery where my gramma and grandad are buried is nearby so when we got off the bus we first stopped off at a store and bought some flowers. We each bought some lillies to put on their grave. Then we walked the short distance to the cemetery.

We spent a couple of minutes at the graveside. We both put our flowers down, and said prayers. Then we walked about a 10 min walk to the lake.

before we got to the lake we stopped off at another store, and we bought some lottery tickets for tonight, so you never know, I might be a winner, lol, if I am I’ll be booking another vacation!

I also bought some fruit salad, strawberries, and water. We then went and sat down and ate our lunch, mom had made us sandwiches and we had the fruit salad, and strawberries I’d brought. The strawberries were delicious. There was pineapple, melon, apple and grapes in the fruit salad. After we ate we just sat for a while, listening to, and looking at the ducks and swans that frequent the lake.

Then we decided we’d go for a walk around the lake. Its a mile long. It takes about 15 minutes to go around it. My foot started hurting because I was wearing the wrong type of shoes for walking. I managed to walk though but now my foot is all skint. Anyway it was a lovely walk. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Then I asked mom if she’d like a drink in the bar. She said she would so we went in. I bought her a drink and I had some tea. We decided it was too warm to sit inside, so we sat out in the beer garden. It was then that we did most of our talking. The main thing we talked about was my mental health. Mom said she felt I was doing well, and did dr. barry think so. I said I thought she did. She said she was pleased that I was doing better, she knows I’m currently off meds, she asked me if I was going to go back on them. I said I wasnt sure but probably I am going to ask dr. barry if she’ll take me off of some of them. I want to continue to lose weight, and I know if I do go back on the lyrica and depokate I wont lose any weight. Mom agreed with me. Now I have to convince dr. barry. I told mom I still feel bad on most days, but I have ways of coping with it. And I didnt think meds are helping me. She said that was good that I was able to cope, and whatever I am doing it must be working for me.

She told me that if I ever feel suicidal and need to come stay with her, that her door is always open for me. That if I feel bad I shouldnt wait, I should just ring her and tell her I need to stay with her for a few days. I thought that was sweet of her. It felt like she really understood me. She really got it and what she didnt get she was still really trying to understand.

I feel we really turned a corner today. Talking to her really helped. I feel it has cemented our relationship sorta. Made our bond that much stronger.

I told her I’d been thinking a lot lately. About having tried so many times to kill myself, and how I’d survived that every time. And then about 5 years ago I got cysts on my ovaries, and it could have been cancer, but it turned out not to be, I survived, yet again. I said I felt so lucky. Lucky that I was given not one but numerous chances, and I felt like there must be a reason for me being here still.

She agreed with me, she said me and my sister, there is only the two of us, we only each have each other. That when I feel bad I should think of Laura, and did I want to do that to her, and effect her life in that way, that I’d be remembered as her sister who killed herself.

No, thank you, I do not want to be remembered like that.

So yeah a long an heart felt talk we had. And I am so glad we did.

After our drinks we got the bus home, the bus was so hot, there was no air or it seemed like it, it was really humid on the bus. I was glad to get off of it. We got back to moms and we ate some cheese toasties, then my aunt rang, she said she’d call to my mom later for drinks with mom, so I’ll sit with them and we’ll all chat, so it will be a nice relaxed saturday evening.

NERVOUS ABOUT WHAT DR. BARRY WILL SAY NEXT WEEK

ITS WILLOW. I’M SOO NERVOUS TO TALK TO DR. BARRY NEXT WEEK. I’M SO ANXIOUS ABOUT WHAT SHE IS GOING TO SAY. SHE WONT BE HAPPY WITH ME. ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE KNOWS I STOCKPILED MEDS AND NOW WE HAVE NONE AND ARE OFF OF OURS. SHE’LL PROBABLY BE MAD. I WISH I DIDNT HAVE TO TELL HER WHAT I DID. I’M JUST SO ANXIOUS ABOUT IT. I FEEL LIKE I AM DISAPPOINTING HER. AND WHAT IF SHE WONT TRUST US AGAIN NOW, IT WILL BE ALL MY FAULT IF SHE DOESNT. CAROL ANNE SAYS SHE THINKS IT’LL BE OK, THAT SHE’LL BE PLEASED WE COULD BE HONEST WITH HER ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED. I HOPE SHE’S RIGHT. I’M STILL FEELING SUICIDAL ON AND OFF. NO ACTIVE PLANS THOUGH. JUST FEELINGS. JUST FEELING SO LOW AND LIKE I DONT WANT TO BE HERE. LIKE IT WOULD BE BETTER AND WE’D ALL BE BETTER OFF IF I WASNT. BUT I DO REALISE THAT IF I KILL THE BODY THEN I WILL KILL ALL OF US AND I DONT WANT TO MAKE OTHER INSIDERS SUFFER JUST BECAUSE IM SUFFERING. THAT ISNT FAIR OF ME. SO I AM STRUGGLING ON ALONE. WENDY AND LIZ ARE BOTH HELPING ME BY TALKING TO ME ABOUT MY FEELINGS. IT DOES HELP A LITTLE BIT.
WILLOW

STOCKPILING OUR MEDS

SO TONIGHT AFTER GOING TO SLIMMING WORLD WE WENT TO ABODE TO PICK UP SOME OF OUR STUFF THAT WE’D LEFT THERE. WE ALSO NEEDED TO SIGN SOME FORMS. WHEN WE GOT THERE OUR TUTOR WAS THERE, WHICH WAS VERY SURPRISING TO US. SHE USUALLY GOES HOME AT 3 PM. IT WAS 8:30 PM. SHE ASKED US IF WE HAD A FEW MINUTES SHE SAID SHE NEEDED TO TALK TO US. WE WENT TO HER OFFICE AND THE HEAD NURSE WAS IN THERE. THEY TOLD US THAT WHEN THEY WERE CLEANING OUT OUR ROOM THEY FOUND A HUGE PILE OF MEDS. I WAS SHOCKED! I DONT KNOW WHO WAS STOCKPILING THEM! SOMEONE WAS THOUGH. THEY SAID THERE WAS A LOT OF THEM. AND THEY WERENT SURE WHAT TO DO. WE’D BEEN SELF MEDICATING AND TAKING OUR OWN MEDS. NOW I REALISE THAT MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN THE BEST IDEA. MOST PEOPLE THERE STAFF GIVE THEM THEIR MEDS. SO I WAS HONEST. I TOLD THEM WE HAVE DID AND I TOLD THEM WE STRUGGLE TO TAKE OUR MEDS PROPERLY. THAT THE DISSOCIATION MAKES US FORGET SOMETIMES. OR THAT MAYBE SOMEONE WAS SUICIDAL AND SO STOCKPILING THEM. IT WAS VERY WORRYING AND NOW I NEED TO FIND OUT WHO DID IT IN THE SYSTEM. IM PRETTY SURE IT WAS A DARK. PROBABLY WENDY OR PIXIE. IT WASNT ME ANYWAY, EVEN THOUGH I’VE BEEN PRETTY DOWN. PLANNING SUICIDE IS SOMETHING I HAVENT DONE IN YEARS. SO ANYWAY THEY TOLD ME THEY’D GIVEN THE MEDS OVER TO THE PHARMACY AND RANG MY GP FOR ADVICE. I WASNT HAPPY ABOUT THAT BUT I COULD UNDERSTAND WHY THEY HAD TO DO IT. THEY SAID DUE TO THIS HAPPENING THEY WERE GOING TO LOOK OVER THEIR POLICIES AROUND PEOPLE SELF MEDICATING. THEY SAID THEY WERENT ANNOYED AT ME THAT ACTUALLY I’D DONE THEM A FAVOUR. HOW I DID THEM A FAVOUR I DONT KNOW. MAYBE THEY HADNT UPDATED POLICIES IN A WHILE AND WERENT WORRIED THAT SOMETHING LIKE THIS COULD HAPPEN? I DUNNO. BUT IT CERTAINLY CAME AS A HUGE SHOCK TO ME THAT WE’D BEEN DOING THIS. AND NOW THAT LEAVES US WITH NO MEDS IN OUR SYSTEM. FOR HOW LONG IM NOT SURE. SO IM NOT SURE NOW WHAT TO DO. DR. BARRY WONT BE THRILLED ABOUT THIS. AND NOW WE WONT SEE HER FOR TWO WEEKS. I’M THINKING I MAY RING OUR GP TOMORROW. TALK TO HIM ABOUT THIS AND SEE WHAT HIS TAKE ON IT IS. IT CANT HURT TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT. I NEED TO ALSO CALL AN INTERNAL MEETING. SEE WHOSE SUICIDAL. AND WHY. AND WHAT THEY’D PLANNED ON DOING WITH THE MEDS. I DONT NEED THIS STRESS RIGHT NOW. I COULD DO WITH OUT IT. BUT WELL IT HAPPENED AND SO I NEED TO SORT IT OUT.
LIZ