In a dark place

Its 2:34 in the morning. Despite my best efforts, I am wide awake!

I am feeling very low. I just feel awful. I feel so so down. My thoughts are dark. I feel an urge to do something really impulsive.

this is not good! Not good at all!

I am so not ok!

If I disappeared, I wonder would anyone notice, or care?

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Dr. barry has a plan for me

I had an apt with dr. barry yesterday. We were really struggling, so it was good to see her. We got to talk honestly to her about things. That felt awesome. I was so glad to be able to get to do that. I told her about Emily and Liz struggling with suicidal ideation and self harm urges. She reminded me that even though they still struggle, that nowadays they have a lot more resources, and coping skills, meaning they dont automatically resort to old behaviours. Thats true, but its sometimes hard for me to see it. I told dr. barry that I am afraid to say we’re managing better now, because I am afraid if I say that, then something will happen to set us back, or I am afraid if I admit to myself that actually we cope better now, that we’ll end up back at square one again, and be back to self harming, or trying to overdose, and ending up in the hospital. things like that. She understood my fears, but she said that she wanted me to know that she thinks despite all thats going on right now that we’re still doing really well and we should be proud of that. We talked about sleep, and I told her about our sleep patterns being all out of wack, she asked me how much sleep I was getting each night, and i had to tell her that I am getting very little. In fact I told her I’d pretty much given up on sleeping regular hours. She told me not to give up on it, that we needed a plan, so lets make one. So we did. She decided to take me off of the haldol, and put me on fenergan instead, she told me to take 25 to 50 mg of fenergan every night, she said start off taking 25, and if I need a second one that I can take it. My fear about taking it is that it is going to make me groggy and not be able to function the next morning, but she said she didnt think that would happen. So thats good, and I told her I’m willing to try it, she’s also increasing my prazosin, from 3 MG to 4 MG, and she’s going to increase it more over the next few weeks, but she said we need to increase it slowly, so I am starting off with 4 MG and going up from there. So as well as taking the fenergan I will also be taking prazosin, and we’re kinda hoping the combo of the two meds will help me sleep better, dr. barry said if I dont sleep then I wont cope, or function at all, and I’ll end up really sick, which I do agree with. We also talked about work, and I told her that I was struggling with that a little, she said its probably due to the not sleeping. I told her I’d decided to get a part time job, and once this crisis passes, I will be applying for jobs, and hopefully becoming more serious about it. She said she thinks I am doing the right thing in waiting a little while before getting more serious about looking for work. I need to ask her about writing me a letter about my mental health, so that I can apply for a longterm medical card, I forgot to mention that to her yesterday, so when I se her again in two weeks I’ll ask her then about it. It was a productive appointment, and at the end of it, when she walked me out to the front entrance, she placed a hand on my shoulder, and gently said to me, your doing amazingly well, be proud, your doing all the right things, and its going to be ok, I am very proud of you. During our apt I’d told her about reaching out for support on my blog on Monday night, the night we were really suicidal. She said she thinks the blog is fabulous, especially at night, when most people arent available, she thinks its good that I have the support of people who read my blog. I do too.

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I am feeling really suicidal

I am spiraling out of control. I feel really down and depressed. It has come on me all of a sudden. I woke with nightmares, and it went from there. Right now I want to just end it. I feel so bad. Dont worry, I probably wont do anything stupid, mainly because, I am seeing dr. barry this morning. I feel so bad though. The suicidal thoughts are so strong. They are overwhelming me. I am trying everything to feel better. Nothings working. I just feel like total shit right now. Thank god for dr. barry. I will talk to her today and see what she says. I know some of this is down to some alters struggling, they’ve been struggling, emily has, and liz has, but they’ve been trying to stay strong, its so hard for emily, she’s only a kid only 12. She worries me, as in the past she’s tried overdosing many, many times. I get worried when she is struggling. It frightens me that we could attempt it. Liz frightens me too, as she self harms, and cutting is her main form of self harm, so when she struggles with suicidal ideation, it can be dangerous for us. Its a pity eileen is not around, we could really use her support right now. I am thankful that we can be honest with dr. barry though, that helps. I am so glad we have her. Maybe Emily and Liz might either talk directly to her today, or else maybe if they are feeling up to it they’ll write something later on today on the blog.
For now though, I am not sure what to do. I feel emotional, overwhelmed, agitated, and not in the least bit strong.

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Working on us prompt, week 7, suicide and suicidal ideation

Becky over at beckys mental mess is doing her working on us mental health prompt series again this week. the prompt for this week, which is week 7 is a prompt about suicide and suicidal ideation.

Prompt #1 Questions

Have you ever experienced suicidal thoughts?
Yes. I experience them a lot. I have done so for years
Have you ever attempted suicide?
Yes. I’ve overdosed on numerous occasions. It was not pleasant. All of my attempts have been overdoses.
Were you ever hospitalized for a suicidal attempt and/or ideation?
Yes. After some of my overdoses I was hospitalised for ongoing medical symptoms. After I got medically cleared I was sent to the psych unit for ongoing treatment for my suicidal ideation. Sometimes I’d spent weeks in there.
when you were hospitalized, what was your experience like?
It was mostly ok. Sometimes it wasnt, but most of the time it was a good experience. At least for the last 6 years that I’ve been seeing dr. barry. She understands me. She gets it and gets how I feel and why I am suicidal. Before I saw her, I had a lot of really bad experiences in hospital.
Do you ever feel suicidal ideation since your release?
Yes. It depends, sometimes I feel it a lot, depends on if I am low, depressed etc. If I am, then the suicidal thoughts come. Thats never pleasant.

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she died by suicide!

Ok so you remember last week I told you about the lady who died, a sister of one of our friendly call clients? And I told you how brenda my supervisor was working with the family? Well we found out the lady who died, she was only 43, and it wasnt a heart attack she had, she died by suicide! She died of an overdose. She’d been found on her parents couch, and all that day the day she was found, she’d been asleep, she hadnt woken up at all, and her son found her dead on the thursday evening. But all of thursday she had never woken up. The client of friendly call, she’s her sister, but she wasnt able to check on her because she is morbidly obese, our client is, and she cant leave her bedroom, so no one was able to check on her sister until her son came over and found her. Its so sad. She was so young. She did have serious mental health issues, in fact the whole family does. Their father died last year of cancer, and he was holding the family together, and when he died things got really bad for them all. Their mother is still alive but she’s a raging alcoholic and she’s very unsteady on her feet, she’s around 76 now and my supervisor thinks it wont be long until the mom dies too. The girl who died, I’ll call her G. And our client, I’ll call her H. G was the only one who could transfer H from bed into her wheelchair, there are home helps coming in but G was the one person who could look after H and meet her needs. Now that G is dead H might have to go to a nursing home to live out the rest of her life. H is only 41. So sad that she’ll have to end up in a nursing home but due to her size and health requirements and her mother being so ill and drinking heavily it might just happen. As it was H wasnt able to attend G’s funeral on Monday, and my supervisor sat with her all day, so she wouldnt be on her own. Which I thought was very kind of her. Her other brother J is in hospital, getting his toes amputated. So he couldnt make g’s funeral either. See how the whole family is struggling? Its tragic. I feel sorry for H and sad for g and I wish we could do more. Its just a really awful situation they’re all in.

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