no college tonight and other things

so i found out that the college i go to is closed today. so i have no classes tonight. so that gives me time to get caught up on my reflective learning journal, of which i have two weeks to catch up on, but am i doing that? noooo, of course I’m not. I’m procrastinating.
Kristen came this morning…it was her second last day of working with us. She did some cleaning, went to starbux for us, and helped us make breakfast. we got a pumpkin spice latte in starbux. it was delicious, my first one of the season.
i decided to go stay with mom and dad tonight and tomorrow night. i’m going to see dr. barry tomorrow morning, and then in the afternoon I’m going to a conference on mental health, run by the counselling service at the basement club. my friend norma is coming with me. it should be good. the theme of it is mind your mind.
i read this morning on facebook that another storm is set to hit us at the weekend. not as bad as ophelia but still bad enough with high winds and lots of rain. thats all we need…

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A desperate cry

i’m drowning
in desperation
in pain
and grief
swimming, but sinking
a puddle on the floor
no will to live
no will to go on
clinging to shreds of hope
that some day
some time in the future
this will all be a distant memory

Not doing well

so we are not doing very well. we are feeling very mentally unwell. very emotional. also intense suicidal feelings. i did manage to go see rose yesterday which was nice. seeing her helped me to distract for a while. she gets it and she really gets me. i was able to talk to her about how i was feeling. she actually noticed without me saying anything. she said to me, i thought you had went downhill this past week, you were withdrawn and taking longer than usual to reply to texts etc. i told her i was sorry and then told her how i felt. she was very sympathetic. right now the system is in a lot of chaos. lots of the younger insiders are really struggling. i’m trying to be there for them as best as i can. i think part of it is they are scared i will do something, but i promised myself that if things get to a point where i feel like i am going to do something, i will go to get assessed at the hospital. i’m hoping it wont come to that though. i’m hopeful i can wait it out until i see eileen tomorrow. at least then we can discuss things, and talk about things. i wont be seeing dr. barry this week because i am going on respite tomorrow. but that might be a welcome distraction too. at least it will be a change of scenery. and i have the basement club i’ll be going there 3 days this week, and i have sarah on friday. so i am very much supported. i really just have to get through today. i think i can do it, i have hope.

One time i wished I was not a multiple

I REMEMBER ALL THE LITTLE PILLS BEING IN MY HANDS. AROUND 20 OR 30 OF THEM. AS I SWALLOWED THEY GOT STUCK IN MY THROAT.
I KEPT SWALLOWING DESPITE THE NEED TO JUST VOMIT. I HAD TO GET ALL OF THEM DOWN. MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.
I WAS GOING TO DIE THAT NIGHT NO MATTER WHAT IT TOOK. I HAD MADE UP MY MIND. THIS WAS GOING TO BE THE END FOR ME
I FELL INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS AND SOME TIME LATER I AWOKE TO HEAR A FEMALE VOICE. ASKING ME LOTS OF QUESTIONS. EVERYTHING FELT SO FUZZY. BUT I REMEMBER HER CLEARLY SAYING, WHERE IS THE BABY? WHAT BABY? I TRIED TO TELL HER I DID NOT HAVE KIDS. SHE WOULDNT BELIEVE ME. SHE WOULDNT LISTEN. THE BABY? WHERE IS THE BABY?
THE MAN WHO WAS WITH HER TRIED TO GET ME TO TALK ALSO BUT I COULDNT, I JUST WANTED TO CLOSE MY EYES FOREVER. OPEN YOUR EYES, STAY AWAKE, WE’RE GOING TO GET YOU TO THE HOSPITAL SOON.
I PROTESTED, NO, I DONT WANT TO, LEAVE ME HERE, I’LL BE DEAD SOON…BUT NOBODY WAS LISTENING TO ME.
THEY DID GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL THAT NIGHT. I DID LIVE. AND I LATER FOUND OUT THE REASON WHY THEY THOUGHT I HAD A BABY? THEY CAME INTO MY HOUSE, LOOKED AROUND AT ALL THE TOYS, LOOKED AT ME, AND THOUGHT THIS IS WEIRD, THERE MUST BE KIDS LIVING HERE.
THATS ONE TIME WHEN I WISHED I DIDNT HAVE DID. BECAUSE TRYING TO CONVINCE THEM THAT ONLY ME A GROWN ADULT WAS LIVING HERE WAS A COMPLETE NIGHTMARE.

CUT, CUT, CUT

I’M COMING OUT OF MY SKIN. EVERYTHING JUST FEEL SO OVERWHELMING. I WANT TO CUT. I NEED TO CUT. I CANT TAKE ANOTHER MINUTE OF THIS. THIS PAIN IS JUST FUCKING INSANE. I AM GOING OUT OF MY MIND. I NEED TO RELEASE SOME OF THIS PAIN. I HAVE TO FEEL BLOOD. IT WILL MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. I CANT BEAT THIS. I SUCK.

Murder suicide

last night i watched a really moving documentary. it was shown for world suicide prevention month. it was on an irish tv station called tv 3. google murder in the family tv 3 ireland and it should come up and you might be able to watch it. it was a documentary about families where a member of the family killed other family members and then killed themselves. there were four families featured on it. a mother who killed her two little girls by drowning them, then she killed herself. a father who crashed his car with his two little boys in it he was trying to kill himself but he didnt succeed in doing that yet he managed to kill his two sons. a mother was on talking about her 21 year old son who killed his 9 year old twin brothers by stabbing them and then he hung himself. and another father who killed his two little girls before killing himself. basically the family members who were speaking in the documentary were saying that if they’d only known how sick their loved ones actually were, if they’d known more about their individual mental illnesses that they might have seen the warning signs, or known what to do to help them better. because of confidentiality here in ireland family members arent really told about your treatment unless you specifically request them to be told. the mother of the 21 year old was saying if she had known how sick her son was he had schizophrenia, bipolar and anxiety disorder, and she was saying how if she knew how ill he truly was, she wouldnt have left her other children with him. the father who killed his little girls, his wife was on and she said a similar thing that she should have been made more aware of his individual symptoms, she should have been able to go in and speak to his doctors. she said she thought he’d only gone in and told them what he wanted them to hear, and he hadnt really given a full and complete picture of what it was like at home. i dont know if i agree that confidentiality should be lifted. i think everyone deserves a right to privacy, unless they are dangerous, none of these people had ever been violent or dangerous in any way, so then i suppose it is about how do you know, how can you tell, when its time to tell family about the persons mental illness. who agrees or disagrees? do you think family should be told about your illness from the get go? would you want that? I urge you to try and watch the documentary if you can.

oh god…

i want to die i cant take the pain i cant face yet another memory i just cant do it.
i wish i hadnt made a contract with eileen, because i promised her, i promised her i would stay safe…
why did I promise?
why?
I need a hug and a friend because I am feeling so alone right now…
Amber