so I decided to text Eileen and ask her if I could talk to her. I wasnt sure if she had college tonight, she is a lecturer in the psychotherapy programme at the local university, she did have college, but I texted her, I asked if she had a few mins to check in and I told her I’d gotten bad news. She rang me back within 15 minutes. She was on her way home after lecturing. So we talked as she drove home. I told her about my client who killed himself. She was so understanding. She told me that it would be understandable that I’d be in shock. I was telling her about Emilys two insiders who were suicidal, and upon hearing this news today, they became very upset and shocked. I think it was like a wake up call for them. We talked about completing suicide. Eileen said there was nothing more we as a system could have done. This client of ours unfortunately had his mind made up already. I know this is the case. I just keep thinking I should have could have done more. Logically I couldnt though. Its just a hard truth to swallow. Hard to take that he’s dead now. He’s gone. I told eileen that I am sitting here thinking about how one minute someone can be here, the next they’re gone. She talked to me about resilience. About how some people dont have as much as others. She said to me that I need to remember how resilient we are. How we’re fighters. We have come through so much. She said she knows that the client doing this has stirred up a lot for us. In a lot of different ways. I agreed. She said she hopes my supervisor is giving us support. I said she was but that I couldnt actually talk much to her about my own feelings, because my supervisor doesnt know I have mental health difficulties, and she doesnt know I’ve tried to kill myself in the past. So that is why I reached out to Eileen. I know I can be honest with her. I know she gets me and gets it. I was telling Eileen I really dont want any more bad news today. Not only did I hear this news about my client, tonight I got the bad news that my cousin whose only 50 has stage four liver cancer. And then earlier I got the news that I need to discuss nitro retiring next tuesday with the trainer who comes out to do our aftercare. I really cant handle another thing today. Eileen told me to wrap up in a soft blanket. Make some tea, get a blanket, wrap up in it. And draw a line under today. And that is what I am going to do I think. I am exhausted but unable to sleep. I will do some self care things tonight though. To care for myself. I will do some writing, drink some tea, maybe read, and wrap up warm and cosy in a blanket. I am so grateful for Eileen. She never lets me down. She always comes through for us. I feel so so lucky to have her in our lives. She said that I shouldnt worry about texting her, she was fine with it. All I could say is thank you, thank you, I love you. And I do. I love her. She has made me feel contained tonight. Contained, and safe, and I know she’s with me in spirit, I know she is here, talking to her just reaffirmed that
I found out today that one of the friendly call clients I call each week killed himself. I’d spoken to this man on numerous occasions. He was in his fifties. He had a severe mental illness. My supervisor told me he did it last week. We were the last people he spoke to, friendly call was the last contact he had with anyone before he did it.
I was floored. Its the first time something like this has happened to me while I’ve been a volunteer. I just cant believe it. It really brings it home to me how precious life is. And how you just never know how things can happen on a spur of a moment.
I hope he’s at peace now. I am glad he had us I am glad we were able to maybe bring him some happy times. The fact that we spoke to him daily. The fact he had someone on the end of the phone to talk to. He was very isolated, he lived in a rural area. And he was so lonely.
Loneliness kills. It really does.
Its going to take me some time to process this. I still feel kinda numb. Maybe because I’ve also come close to ending it. Maybe because I know his pain. I know how he must have felt when he made his decision. I just wish he’d have told us how he was feeling.
Its a sad day for me today. I’ll send prayers up to the universe and hopefully he’s at peace now.
why is it that so many people think suicide is so wrong? and selfish?? almost every night/day i read shit on the internet about suicide as one method to keep me staying alive. i dont know why, but it seems to be working (along with Nitro)). i have even read about people who blew their heads off. not too pretty. perhaps knowing that i would crap my pants and lose most of my bodily control is enough to temporarily prevent me from doing the act. although, if i killed myself in the woods, no-one would find all the fluids. what blows my mind is that helpers responding to comments or posts or whatever..often state that (a) suicide is a sin and (b) suicide is selfish. SIN?? would killing myself be anymore of a sin than some of the other things i have been forced or had to do to survive? Seriously?
isnt sex a sin? whether forcefully fucked or fun fucking sin. if that counts i was sinning as a young child who didnt even know what it meant.
isnt treating your body poorly a sin? my drinking, drugging, self-harming all sin.
isnt not honoring the people who were caring for you a sin? i guess that includes all the times i told anyone of them to fuck off too sin.
isnt lieing and stealing sins?
and apparently using gods name badly is a sin too. so if i am going to blow my head off, i better not say oh god before i pull the trigger. sin.
you get my point?
I have even read that suicide would be considered the ultimate sin because you cant ask for forgiveness. if i ask for forgiveness before i pull the trigger, does that count?
. i am not a religious person, but crap, if there is a higher being and if he/she is condemning people because they kill themselves, thats pretty mean. do you have ANY fucking idea the amount of pain necessary needed to hold a gun in your mouth or stand on a bridge or stick a handful of pills in your throat?
i think this higher being that doesnt forgive has some role in the pain people are placed in. dont you? .. and then not to forgive when a person ends the painmakes no sense to me. some of us simply do not heal and the pain may ebb and flow, but it is always FUCKING THERE
most people kill themselves because they are in pain and see themselves as a burden on society and especially their loved ones. because we are in so much pain, we see ourselves as constantly bothering those around us. we are constantly fucked up, constantly fucking up, and we know people get tired. dont you think we know that? killing ourselves helps you out.
People who tell suicidal people that they are being selfish are being selfish themselves. why are you saying that? reality check..you are just trying to protect yourself from the impact and having to deal with the feelings that a suicide would bring. how selfish is that = dont kill yourself because i will grieve and have feelings.
some of us truly have no one. if i disappeared and my body was never found because i blew my head off in a desolate park. a couple people might wonder what happened to me, but they would move on thinking i moved on too. many of you reading my blog can not understand the depth of emotional pain i live with. Eileen cant. dr barry cant. My parents cant. no-one can. my entire world has been altered by my life experiences and it is foolish to believe that the longer i live, the greater likelihood that my pain will disappear. it may subside, but it will always be there. i was damaged, broken down, and thrust into 18 years that changed me.
i am broken beyond full repair.
who was i and who might i have been if i had an ounce of normalacy growing up?
i will NEVER fucking know.
In a defeatest voice, they all won, and I have to figure out how to deal with last place before throwing in the towel for good.
Suicide isnt about sin and it is not about being selfish. It is about pain, and in a fucked up way it is about survival.
im so sad. i realy wanna die. i dont feel i can go on. i feel so sad and my heart is hurting. i just feel so scared and so sad.
i cant take the pressure. everything is so overwhelming. my head hurts. my chest is tight. my heart pounds. my stomach is feeling puky. i feel like im going to be sick. it feels icky.
this is a awful time of year. i remember realy bad things. about rituals. and memories of abuse. and people who hurt us. and did real bad things to us.
the memories wont stop. they come at night. and now it is night time. its almost 9 pm. im scared. scared to go to sleep. scared of the dark. scared of everything.
someone make it stop. im afraid to go near the pills. cuz what if i take them all? i feel like i could. its hard to keep going on. its hard not to just give in. i am trying hard. trying to fight it.
Emily age 12
Happy world mental health day!
I cant believe another ones rolled around already! Doesnt seem that long ago since last years one was upon us!
I was going to go to the basement club today. They are having a BBQ to celebrate. However I am not going now. I am going to the information morning though for the mental health in the community college course that is starting in january. I think its very apt that the info morning is actually happening on world mental health day.
I hope its good! I am excited to see what it is all about!
Here in ireland, there was a budget yesterday, its where our govnerment talks about how they’ll spend their funds for the next year, what they’ll invest them in etc. I was hopeful that they’d put more into mental health and services to help people with mental ill health. Unfortunately though they didnt!
Its awful that the mental health services are so under funded! How does the government expect people to cope? To live? To deal with mental illness in a constructive way? In a way that more people are abl e to talk about it, and not feel stigmatised or scared of rejection?
I urge you today on this world mental health day, that if your not ok, get help. Talk about it. Its ok not to feel ok. It is ok to ask for help. We all need it at some point in ou r lives. Its ok, honestly. Dont be afraid to ask. The help is out there.
We need to end the stigma of mental illness. We need to do it here and now!
So with that, what are you going to do to try to end stigma? Do you think having a day and week to celebrate world mental health is important? Do share in the comments!
What in your opinion is the best way to end the stigma surrounding mental illness?
For me its writing, talking, just opening up about it. Telling my story. Making mental health a hot topic. Talking about it with other people.
For me, that is how we will combat stigma.
so next week on wednesday morning there is an open morning for a college course I want to do which is starting in january of next year. Its called mental health in the community. It usually costs 1000 euro to do it, but the cork city partnership, thats the organisation that runs friendly call, their running it in the community for free, since they got funding to do that. So I am going to go, and see what its all about. Im hoping I can do it! It sounds very interesting, and in my work with them, I come across a lot of people with mh issues, not to mention I also have mh issues! So I would benefit from it too! And I’d also get a qualification from it, a level 6 qualification! So I am excited to go and see what its all about! I hope I’ll learn some things. And I hope I get a place on the course!