Bad day

Today is a ritual holiday. So its a bad day for us.

I’m sitting here, feeling terrible. I don’t know what to do with myself. I am trying not to think about what today is.

Its the fall equinox. I hate it. Everything about this date triggers fear and sadness, pain and upset in me.

I hope I can get through it. I hope we’ll be ok.

At least we aren’t home, so nobody can get to us. We’re at our parents house. We’re safe at least.

Safe physically, but mentally? Mentally we’re a mess.

So many emotions and feelings. So much chaos inside. So much overwhelm.

Pray, if you pray guys. Pray we’ll get through it.

carol anne

From Lisa, was so suicidal last night

hi everyone, my name is lisa. i am 17.
i had a tough night last night. i felt really suicidal last night. i wanted to take pills. i wanted to take them because i felt like we broke the rules last weekend. we were meant to go meet our abusers from the cult and we didnt go, and that is breaking the rules, and i felt like i should kill myself before one of them killed me first.
emily was really worried about me so she texted eileen. she told her i was feeling really suicdal and bad and asked her to text us when she could. eileen texted us back and then she called us.
i talked to her on the phone for a long time. we talked about why i wanted to die, about the abusers and about how we have choice now, about our living situation now, how it has changed, and about the system etc.
it felt good to talk to her. i felt safe with her. i told her i wished i was back in her office again cuz it feels safe there.
in the end eileen told me to maybe go inside and rest, and allow liz to front. so i did. and liz fronted for the rest of the night and me and emily and the rest of emilys insiders went inside and went to bed. i think liz took the whole system to bed too after getting off of the phone.
we slept well last night. and i made a promise to eileen that i wouldnt take pills. and i am going to keep it. i would never break a promise to eileen.

Early appointment today with dr. barry

so just got done seeing dr. barry. I had an early apt today. I got there around 8:30 AM. I didnt see her until 9:30 though as she doesnt come in until around 9:15.

The first thing she did when I got in to her office was apologise to us. She said she takes full responsibility for Sarah not contacting us when she was on vacation. The reason she didnt contact us was because Dr. barry wrote her a note, but then she put it in her own area where all of her own paperwork is kept, instead of putting it where sarah would see it. It was an accident. She obviously didnt mean to do it. She said on the friday before she left she did think of it and she was going to text Sarah and make sure she knew to contact us but then she thought well I’ve written her a note so she knows to contact them, so she never did text her. And obviously sarah didnt get any note as it was in dr. barrys stack of paperwork. Sarah did know about it since Mark our OT told her after we’d talked to him about it last week. She knew how disappointed we were. Dr. barry said she felt really bad for us. She said the next time she’d double check, and make sure the referral went to sarah. I am not mad any more as I know it was a genuine accident on dr. barrys part. She would never do that sort of thing intentionally to us. She knows we were depending on that check in so I know she wouldnt do that to us.

We did end up telling her about our friend and the overdose. She wasnt pleased that it happened and she said that I need to definitely talk to her, which I have done, so I told her I did and we worked it out. I told her not to say anything about it to our friend, unless she brings it up, dr. barry said that if she does bring it up, she will be saying to her that what she did to us was totally inappropriate and she shouldnt have done that. She said fair enough if we were part of her safety plan, that yes she could have contacted us, but never over text, that if we had agreed to be on her list of nominated contacts that then she could have called us, but we’d have had to agree to that prior to this and we hadnt, so she shouldnt have involved us in that way.

We talked about therapy and we told her about our latest two sessions. We also told her how mad eileen was about what happened with our friend, she said it wasnt surprising that Eileen was annoyed, that she could see how she would be. We talked to her about the EMDR we’d done, and then I told her about how Emily is struggling right now with suicidal ideation and thoughts, but I was telling her its constant with her, that she always has suicidal thoughts and just doesnt act on them.

Dr. Barry told me that her team is changing and some of the team are moving on, because they’ve gotten promotions. Her OT on the team got promoted, and she will be leaving soon. The social worker Mary left last week, and obviously her last social worker Karen also was promoted and left. She said they dont have any replacement yet for Mary, and there might not be one for a while. She was telling me she hates change. And with her team, she’s had the same people working on it for ages, and so now that there is change and new people coming on bord it will be hard.

Also, we’re moving buildings soon. The building we see dr. barry in now is very old, and a new purpose built facility was built and will hold lots of doctors, and physios, OT’s, etc, lots of medical people, so the new facility wont just be for mental health, like the building that they are in now, it is just for mental health. Anyway, the move will be happening soon. I am very nervous about it since its a bigger building, and more space, and harder to navigate. Dr. barry said that I can ring before coming in, and she’ll have someone meet me until I get used to the building. I’m glad about that.

So overall a good appointment. I felt validated and heard, but then I always do.


Dr. Barrys back this week

so just rang dr. barrys secretary. she was off the last time we saw dr. barry and she was supposed to send out a letter with our next appointment date, but we hadnt gotten a letter in the post to say if we had an apt this week. lucky though it was in the book so we do. on wednesday at 9 AM.
Am so looking forward to seeing dr. barry this week.
Have a lot to discuss with her. We need to ask her why the CPn sarah never got in touch with us while she was away. she was supposed to check in with us and do a phone check in and meet us in person as well. But she never rang us so we dont know what happened. Something must have happened though, I’m guessing the referral never got picked up, or it might not have even went through at all.
Dont know whether to talk to dr. barry about what happened with our friend, as she’s our friends doctor also so not sure how to bring it up with her or if I should even discuss it at all.
We’ll see, I more than likely will well thats my thought on it now anyway.


The recent crisis with our friend and how it effected us so profoundly

so in session with eileen this morning, we talked about my friend. about her overdose and about how that effected us.
and it seems it really effected us, a lot more than i actually thought. last week i pretty much panicked, i was going on autopilot, just doing what needed to be done at the time. i didnt think too much about the profound effect it had on me.
basically, when i told eileen what happened, how it happened, she said my friend was actually being very manipulative. because first of all, she texted me to say she’d overdosed, and that wasnt right, she should have at least rang me, not said what she’d done over a text. because, what if I didnt see it? What if I didnt respond right away. What if I only saw it many hours later? What then?
and then, not only did she text me to say she’d taken pills, but when i first told her to get help, she refused, she wouldnt ring her daughter, who is her next of kin, she wouldnt ring the ambulance herself, she said they might think she was seeking to get attention, she wouldnt go to A and E to be treated.
Yet she asked me to ring an ambulance for her. so eileen said obviously she didnt really want to die, but she didnt want the paramedics calling her out on what she did either. she wanted help, but she wanted someone else to get the help for her. which is fine i guess, but well, she could have chosen a better way to do that.
what she did left me with the responsibility of making sure she got help, making sure she was ok. i’m not ok with that. i dont like that the responsibility was put on me to do all that. i love her, and i am a good friend of hers, but I too have issues, mental health stuff going on, and I didnt need that level of responsibility. Not to mention how profoundly it effected my system.
so what to do now? I guess I should talk to her about it. I’m nervous to do that though. Eileen said if I dont it might be the elephant in the room for us. This weekend my friend thanked me for calling the ambulance for her, she said I’d saved her life. When I told eileen what she said to me about saving her life, eileen said thats an awful responsibility to have, to be responsible for saving another persons life. thats so true, it is. I couldnt agree more.
I’m not ready to discuss it with her yet though. I first have to think up how to put it to her because, I know she’s not going to react too well to what I have to say.
What do you think? Am I right to feel this way about it all? Would you feel similarly if it was you in the predicament?
carol anne


Crisis with a friend

so I’ve had a bit of a hard evening tonight. My friend has been very depressed and very low lately. For the last few days week even she’s been very down. I’ve been trying to help her through it.
Tonight she texted me at around 7 to say she had overdosed on paracetamol, she said she’d taken 30 tablets. I was so frightened for her, but I stayed calm. At first after she told me I asked her if she was going to ring her daughter who is her next of kin, she said no. So then I asked her if she’d go to the hospital to be seen by psych and she said no to that too.
I told her then that I’d ring an ambulance for her because I was really worried about her. She agreed to let me do this for her. So I rang, that was an experience in itself ringing an ambulance. They asked me a bunch of questions about her and I had to tell them that actually I was ringing from my own house and she wasnt with me. The operator asked me if she had a weapon and if she was violent, if she was conscious and awake, breathing etc. He asked me her age and what she’d taken. Most of what he was asking me I was able to answer. He asked me her sir name but I drew a blank, I could not for the life of me think of it.
I gave him her phone number and he said he was going to call her as soon as he hung up from me, he also said an ambulance was on its way.
I was so relieved! Finally she’d get help! I was so glad she’d texted me. She kept texting until they came and when she got to A and E she let me know she was there and being seen. She was moved to the medical ward a little while ago because there was damage to her liver from the meds. Right now she’s in the medical ward. She’ll be there for a few days I think. Then she’ll probably be transferred to the psych ward.
All I can think is what if I hadnt seen her text right away, sometimes I dont get messages right away if I am doing something or on the phone etc. It was genuinely a hard night for me, ringing the ambulance, talking with her over text, and just generally being there for her, but I am so glad she trusted me enough to confide in me as to what she’d done.


Am now home

Dinner is eaten. I am relaxing in front of the tv.

My shift went well. I was very busy all afternoon. I had a ton of people to call. More than usual.

I was able to get through to almost everyone. So thats positive.

One lady was very suicidal. That upset me a lot. She’s very ill and she said she feels hopeless. She said she prays to her dead parents to just let the pain end. Very upsetting stuff.

Another lady today wanted to know everything about me. Asked me if I was married, she was trying to match me up with other friendly call volunteers, she wanted to know how old I was, all sort of things she was asking. I didnt know whether I should be telling her, but Brenda said I could tell her some stuff, just what I feel comfortable telling her.

She just wanted to chat. She is really pleasant. And she can talk for ireland! lol!

Anyway, I got a ride home so all is good. I’m happy with how the day went.
carol anne