Suicidal

I want to see red,
and at the same time say no
I’m not in agreement over most things so
an argument ensues,
the shouting begins
I weigh up the options,
tablets or other sins
I’ve contemplated overdoses more than once lately
Because scars leave marks
In this house, thats weighty
I hate the shouting in my head
cursing is a trigger
Internally traumatised
they will win, I figure
Its hard not to give in
Even though I’ve been so much better
Tears only in secret
Arent much wetter
Scars fade to white lines
But they are a reminder to me
Cat scratches are the assumptions
Of others who see
Let them believe whatever story they come too
What would you tell them if the question was put to you
Why is there anger and so many that hate
A person already so deeply in pain at any rate
How does it help
Those scornful glances, disapproving and cold
Do they think I’ve wanted this life since I’ve been 3 years old
And probably earlier if the truth got out
Stories you wouldnt want to hear, they’d make you shout
How can someone harm themselves like this
Compared to most of my life, this is bliss
What are they thinking, taking a load of pills
Just to make it all stop, this world of ills
The things that I struggle with so much right now
Must be things you’ve managed to escape somehow
If you cant understand the struggles and desires
Then you’ve never had pain that burns like internal fires

Jessa, age 12