I had an apt with dr. barry yesterday. We were really struggling, so it was good to see her. We got to talk honestly to her about things. That felt awesome. I was so glad to be able to get to do that. I told her about Emily and Liz struggling with suicidal ideation and self harm urges. She reminded me that even though they still struggle, that nowadays they have a lot more resources, and coping skills, meaning they dont automatically resort to old behaviours. Thats true, but its sometimes hard for me to see it. I told dr. barry that I am afraid to say we’re managing better now, because I am afraid if I say that, then something will happen to set us back, or I am afraid if I admit to myself that actually we cope better now, that we’ll end up back at square one again, and be back to self harming, or trying to overdose, and ending up in the hospital. things like that. She understood my fears, but she said that she wanted me to know that she thinks despite all thats going on right now that we’re still doing really well and we should be proud of that. We talked about sleep, and I told her about our sleep patterns being all out of wack, she asked me how much sleep I was getting each night, and i had to tell her that I am getting very little. In fact I told her I’d pretty much given up on sleeping regular hours. She told me not to give up on it, that we needed a plan, so lets make one. So we did. She decided to take me off of the haldol, and put me on fenergan instead, she told me to take 25 to 50 mg of fenergan every night, she said start off taking 25, and if I need a second one that I can take it. My fear about taking it is that it is going to make me groggy and not be able to function the next morning, but she said she didnt think that would happen. So thats good, and I told her I’m willing to try it, she’s also increasing my prazosin, from 3 MG to 4 MG, and she’s going to increase it more over the next few weeks, but she said we need to increase it slowly, so I am starting off with 4 MG and going up from there. So as well as taking the fenergan I will also be taking prazosin, and we’re kinda hoping the combo of the two meds will help me sleep better, dr. barry said if I dont sleep then I wont cope, or function at all, and I’ll end up really sick, which I do agree with. We also talked about work, and I told her that I was struggling with that a little, she said its probably due to the not sleeping. I told her I’d decided to get a part time job, and once this crisis passes, I will be applying for jobs, and hopefully becoming more serious about it. She said she thinks I am doing the right thing in waiting a little while before getting more serious about looking for work. I need to ask her about writing me a letter about my mental health, so that I can apply for a longterm medical card, I forgot to mention that to her yesterday, so when I se her again in two weeks I’ll ask her then about it. It was a productive appointment, and at the end of it, when she walked me out to the front entrance, she placed a hand on my shoulder, and gently said to me, your doing amazingly well, be proud, your doing all the right things, and its going to be ok, I am very proud of you. During our apt I’d told her about reaching out for support on my blog on Monday night, the night we were really suicidal. She said she thinks the blog is fabulous, especially at night, when most people arent available, she thinks its good that I have the support of people who read my blog. I do too.