woke up feeling good

so yeah i got 3 hours sleep. you might say that left me tired. but it actually didnt. i woke up feeling good. my back stopped hurting. i got up and showered and feel so refreshed. energised even. i ate breakfast with my mom, she made it for me, she’s the best 🙂
so mom texted my sister, to see how she is today after being violently sick yesterday with a stomach bug. she texted back and said she still is weak but she has eaten and she is feeling a little better. so she will be coming over to mom and dads for dinner. its our sunday thing, we all eat together, then she will color my hair for me. and cut it too. i’m going on a trip this coming weekend to killarney for a couple of days. so i’m getting myself all spruced up for it lol.
i’ll do my tan tonight. the tan i buy its a moisturizer with a shimmer in it so you have to put it on a couple of times to make it come up and look nice.
might give my friend norma a call in a little while to see if she wants to come over later on this afternoon to my house. my sister will be dropping me home after my hair is done.
my other friend rose got admitted to the psych ward yesterday. i kind of knew she would. she had been doing badly for a while. she had gotten referred to the crisis team but she got very suicidal yesterday. i tried to support her as best as i could through texting. i feel bad because she asked me to come over but i couldnt, i was so tired i didnt have the energy to go visiting. but i was there via text and i kept her company while she waited for the psychiatrist to assess her. we chatted back and forth and last night i sent her a good night text to let her know i am thinking of her. i dont know how long she’ll be in for. usually she’s in for a couple of weeks. dr. barry is her psychiatrist too.
well thats about it for now.
ttfn
carol anne

carol anne. 5 things about me that you maybe didnt know

hi guys
not sleeping here so decided to blog. am gonna write a couple of things for my followers that maybe you never knew about me if you never followed my old blog. so here goes. comments and feedback appreciated. these things are mostly about my mental health.

i’ve been on a locked psych unit. twice. for a week each time. it was not pleasant. the atmosphere was not good. patients were really violent and actually so was i, well liz, but well we were nuts at the time.

i’ve been arrested under the power of the mental health act here in ireland. basically that means the police came and arrested me and took me to a police station and got me seen by a psychiatrist and assessed to see if i needed to go into hospital. that was because the police caught us self harming.

one time while we were in the hospital i tried to kill myself by trying to suffocate myself in the bathroom. a nurse found me though before i did anything that was too serious.

during another hospitalisation i tried to scald myself with hot coffee, i was really suicidal and just wanted to end it. i had a cup of coffee and i tried to throw it over my arms to burn myself.

Yeah, i know i’m a little nuts. Thats what having did and ptsd does to a person. It makes you kinda very uh crazy.

Not coping at all

i think i’m about to die. the emotions are so overwhelming. i cant turn off my brain. i am swimming in grief and desperation and trauma. sadness, sadness oh my god the sadness. i wish eileen was here. i wish i could hold her hand or have a hug. i need that contact. i crave it. i need that connection. i am alone. alone with my thoughts. alone with my fears. alone in the world on a dark night with rain beating down outside and memories taunting me. i have curled up with my baby nitro my dog and burrowed my face into his fur. he is safety. he is my calm. he is loyal and loving and wants to be there for me. right now i need him so much. but i need my therapist too. i really need her. things are not good. i dont feel well. i am so scared. scared of what is in my head. scared of my thoughts and of my feelings. i cant cope. i just cant do this.

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Why do I cut?

WRITTEN BY LIZ, AGE 16

I LONG FOR THE COLD STEAL BLADE OF A KNIFE

TO TOUCH MY SKIN AND TAKE ME AWAY

TO MAKE ME FORGET ALL THE PAIN INSIDE

AND CALM THE NERVES THAT REFUSE TO SETTLE

I WANT THE FEELING THAT ONLY COMES BY THIS

THE FEELING THAT I CAN RELAX AND BREATHE

MY HEART FEELS SO COLD AND SO HEAVY

HOW CAN I KNOW ITS WARMTH WITHOUT THE BLOOD

IF MY BLOOD IS WARM THEN MY HEART MUST NOT BE FROZEN

I WANT THE BLANKNESS OF MY MIND, THAT IS UNIQUE TO THE STINGING AND LINES OF RED

THE ONLY WAY IVE EVER KNOWN OF, TO CLEAR OUT EVEN FOR A MOMENT ALL THAT HAUNTS ME

I WANT A PEACE THAT COMES OUT NUMB

THAT FEELS NOTHING, RATHER THAN EVERYTHING AT ONCE

HOW CAN ANYONE UNDERSTAND SUCH CONTRADICTIONS

LIFE AND WARMTH, WITH BLANKNESS AND NUMBNESS

YET THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT I CAN BRING OUT OF MYSELF

WITH ONLY A KNIFE PRESSED TO MY SKIN

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THIS GIRL IS AY OK

DONT WORRY GUYS. I AM OK. I AM NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING RASH. I JUST NEEDED TO SPILL MY GUTS ABOUT HOW I FELT. THATS ALL. I AM OK THOUGH HONEST.

I JUST NEEDED AN OUTLET. SOMEWHERE TO VENT. AND MY BLOG IS MY PERSONAL VENT SPACE. FOR US ALL IT IS OUR SPACE TO BE COMPLETELY US. COMPLETELY REAL AND RAW AND HONEST.

SO YEAH, IT SUCKS TO BE ME RIGHT NOW. I AM NOT LIKING IT ONE LITTLE BIT. I JUST WANNA SAY STOP THE MOTHERFUCKING WORLD BECAUSE I WANNA GET OFF.

BUT HEY, TOMORROWS A NEW DAY AND ALL THAT JAZZ? WHATEVA!

FOR TONIGHT, I NEED TO JUST SIT, WOOPS I NEARLY WROTE I NEED TO JUST SHIT, ROFL OK I AM HILARIOUS HHAHAAHAHA, BUT REALLY I NEED TO JUST SIT AND BREATHE.

NIGHT PEEPS
LIZ

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Poetry

Go to the kitchen

Open the dra go to the kitchen
Open the drawer
Take out a knife
Robert elan your skin
Court ever so slightly
But started to drip
Cut a little deeper
Release your emotions
Cutting is the only way to do it.

You’re too scared to live

But you’re
You’re too scared to live
But you’re too scared to die
Each time you think of what happened, you die a little more insight
The memories turn to and go few
Flashbacks overtake your body
You are reminded that nothing is sacred
You’re in turmoil

Turmoil so

turmoil
Term also great that you don’t want to live.
You don’t want to live so what do you do?
You end it, and the pain, for good

I AM SO FUCKING DONE, I JUST WANNA END IT

I WANT TO DIE!

THIS SHIT FUCKING HURTS! I AM DONE I AM DONE I AM SOOO DONE! ALL I DO IS MESS EVERYTHING UP!

I WANT AN END TO THIS FUCKING MISERY AND PAIN!

IF MY ABUSERS WOULD JUST LEAVE ME BE, I’D BE FINE! UG!

SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE I NEED SOME SUPPORT!
I’M AFRAID TO TEXT EILEEN!
WENDY

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