About Emily

Well, Em had a bad night. She was struggling a lot tonight.  She finally got some sleep and she is now sleeping. But I am wide awake.  I am worried about her. She has been so depressed lately.  Its such a worry. We that is myself and liz, and jade, have been trying to help her best as we can.  The thing is though, she doesnt want to talk to us.  She keeps everything to herself.  Jade lives with her, in the area inside where Emily lives, and she has said she’ll keep an eye on her.  I worry when she is so suicidal. She can be quite impulsive.  And she has an ability to block the rest of us from knowing what she’s doing, and she can block us from having control of the body, if she wants to as well, I need to try to keep focused, and keeping a close eye on whose out, what they are doing when they are out etc.  I’ve told emily she isnt to come out if she feels suicidal, unless myself or Liz or Jade are close by to watch her.  She has agreed to this.  I’ve taken all of our meds, and hid them.  The last thing I want is for her to get hold of our meds and take the whole lot, which is something that could easily happen when she gets the urge to die and because she is so impulsive at times.  Her depression debilitates her.  You can tell, just from looking at her that she’s not ok.  Did you ever walk into a room with someone whose depressed and the energy in the room feels awful?  The air is heavy, the atmosphere is heavy?  That is how it is here when Emilys out.  She says she feels flat, and she has no energy to care.  thats the worry, when she has no energy to care.  i’ve told her she can write to people, on our email list, and on our blog over the next few days for support and she said she would do that.  she’ll also talk to eileen on monday I hope.  I’ve emailed eileen to fill her in on the situation.  Just one more day to get through before we see eileen.  Thank god.

From Emily: I am so broken..so, done with life

hihihihii feel broken, so, so broken.
my heart aches. I am  in serious emotional pain.
I feel so suicidal and I just want to stop existing.
I dont want to go on. I cant.
The memories are killing me. I feel like the abusers have won.
I am a mess. Everything just feels so overwhelming.
I feel in a constant state of depression. I know others inside arent, but I am.
I don’t know what to do.
I feel like this will never end, this low mood.
I try and try but it wont stop.
I just feel broken. dirty. worthless. stupid. bad. no good.
I think I am beyond help.
I want to reach out to eileen, but i can’t.
Maybe she’s sick of me too. She’d probably say no she’s not.
But honestly? She should be.
All I do is whine to her.
There’s only so much of that people can take.
butterfly hugs,
love
emily age 12

Platform

This year for my birthday I chose to use the platform of facebook to do a fund raiser.
I raised money for pieta house, a local charity here in Ireland that helps people who struggle with suicidal thoughts and or self harm.
This as you know is close to my heart, being that we deal with both on a regular basis.
I’ve never used pieta house, but I know if I needed to I could.
I didnt raise all that much, only a couple of people donated, but those who did, I was very grateful.
It all helps.

https://fivedotoh.com/2020/05/10/fowc-with-fandango-platform/

Its emily

hihihihii everyone
its me em. for those who might not know, i am an insider, i am 12.
i’ve been feeling real bad lately. i am very depressed.
i talked to eileen yesterday, and she helped me.
we talked about how much i hate my body. i hate how I look. I hate everything about me.
eileen said I am beautiful, precious, lovable, kind, caring, and she said she’ll keep telling me those things until i believe her.
that might be a while. but i am trying to believe her.
i want to believe her because i trust her, and she makes me feel loved and safe.
i’ve been throwing up a lot lately, becaue my body feels disgusting and awful and i feel fat and unlovable.
i know i shouldnt throw up but i cant help it.
eileen said we’ll keep talking about stuff and processing it.
she is going to hold some of my memories in a huge container and keep them in her office far away from me.
i just feel so sad lately. my heart is broken.
i have been suicidal too. thoughts about ending it are constantly in my head.
jade encouraged me to write here, she said everyone who reads our blog is very supportive and that you’d all be nice to me.
im just scared about the thoughts in my head.
im scared of myself. and of what I might do.
butterfly hugs,
love, em age 12

Be thankful

tonight
I am thankful
for my home
and my life
my happiness
despite the pain
of my past
for the most part
I am happy, content
for that
I am truly greatful
I could be
back where I was
a few years ago
always in crisis
or in the hospital
after a failed suicide attempt
so glad
those years
are behind me now
so be thankful
for what you have
and for your growth
i know I am

I got a secret

hihhihihiii everybody
well i gots a secret
except now its out
i telled dr. barry today
i couldnt keep it to myself any longer
so it is this
i been stockpiling meds
cuz i was going to kill myself
and i was saving up tablets to do it
i was saving a few each week from our weekly script
and now i have a ton of them
i talked a lot with dr barry this morning
she said its good to talk
and she encouraged me to keep talkin
cuz she said if i dont
everything will build and build up inside of me
and that wont be good
so she telled me to get liz
and she asked liz to get rid of the meds safely
dispose of them i mean
so liz will do it for me
so i wont do something
cuz when we had contact from our abusers
they told us
that we are bad and horrible and dirty
and that no one likes us
and we’d be better off if we died
cuz we’re no use to anyone
so that why then i wanted to end it
cuz it is makin me depressed
and sad and feel so alone
so i just felt i needed to do it
dont hate me guys
please dont hate me
cuz i was honest
and i told dr. barry
and she wasnt even mad at me
she was kind, very kind and caring
and it makes me love her even more
cuz how does she like me
after everything
how does she still like me
i dont know
but im glad i telled her
cuz now its out
and now i am going to tell eileen too
i texted her a few minutes ago
and i ask her if she can talk this evening
and if we do
i’ll tell her then
i wont wait until tomorrow cuz i know its important
and she needs to know
butterfly hugs
loves you
emily age 12

dark thoughts…

that familiar ache
it grips me
it haunts me
it penetrates
it makes me squirm
i cry silent tears
the darkness engulfs me
overtakes me
i am in so much pain
the pain feels like its killing me
emotional pain
there is no rest
no relief
no getting away from it
darkness is my friend
my constant companion
especially at night
oh how I wish
the night would end
the darkness would subside
Oh how I wish
for peace from this pain
Will it ever come?