3 things challenge 10th February 2019

Todays prompts are: dominoes, bones, death
******
Falling, falling
Like dominos all in a row
My emotions, they scatter
To and fro
My head spins
Mind whirls
Bones creak
As I seek
To try to understand
Why?
Why my feelings are so intense
I cant though
Never know
Never seeing
Why death feels so close
And why?
Its an option
For me…
Always an option
Something I’m thinking about
As my facial bones ache
From pasting on that smile
And trying to face
The world one more day
Trying to go on
Trying to cope
With the emotional turmoil I live with
On a daily basis

https://thehauntedwordsmith.wordpress.com/2019/02/10/three-things-challenge-41/

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Parts are triggered

feeling kinda suicidal right now. trying, trying hard to not go there. but the past is being triggered, i am feeling desperate, I feel so alone, right now. So so alone. I just want an end to this triggering, I feel young parts gathering around, being sucked into the past, feeling so triggered, so emotional, they are so vulnerable, they are crying, crying so hard right now.
Its a hard place to be in. I dont know what to do for them. I wish I knew. I feel so sad for them. I want to care for them and look after them but I am unable to right now. I am unable to give them what they desperately crave, which is love, validation, belonging, I tried to give a few of them a hug, but even that isnt coming to easily at the moment.
I guess I’ll keep trying. I feel so low right now. I feel so depressed. My mood is dark, I am in a dark place, I feel like just ending it. Survival is not all that its cracked up to be.
I just want to feel better. Right now that seems like wishful thinking. I think I’ll go take a shower and let the water pour down on me. Feel the water, and breathe, and maybe put on some nice smelling lotion, and maybe then I’ll feel better. I hope so.

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Update

I feel somewhat better than I did this morning. I am distracting, its all I know what to do to help myself. I read for a while, then I went and talked to mom. Now I’ve eaten dinner and I am about to have a nice hot bubble bath to relax. I still feel low but I am a little better, the feelings arent all encompasing, they arent the only thing on my mind, of course, Nitro is helping too, snuggling him always helps me to feel better.

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Suicidal

I feel so suicidal. I don’t want to be here. My thoughts are so muddled. I want an end to the pain, I want to stop it all, and stop existing. I just want an end to it. I really don’t want to be here. Woke up feeling like this. I just feel so bad. I’m safe, but the thoughts of dying are there. Ug this sucks.

Lisa. Learning to feel my feelings and working in therapy

Hi guys
My name is Lisa. I am 17 years old.

I am one of Emilys insiders. I am a dark in Ems system.

This week I worked with Eileen. I had spoken to her on the phone one other time but I had never talked directly to her. I decided this week that I would. I’d been feeling intensely suicidal. I thought maybe she can help me with that.

She did help me a lot. We talked about my feelings and the hopelessness I feel all the time. I’m always suicidal. It gets really old. I just dont feel any other way.

Eileen asked how that helps me. How does it help me to always feel like this?

I dont know how it does. I got lost for words. I find it hard to articulate things sometimes. Eileen said it was ok. She said we’d track how I am feeling and see where it goes.

She asked me if I’d like to use the pulsers. So I did. I was nervous to use them. I havent ever tried them out.

We tracked the feelings. That part was hard. I am not used to feeling my body. I found it hard to describe the sensations I was feeling and I also found it hard to describe in words how it was for me using the pulsers.

We worked on making a safe space for me to go when the emotions and overwhelm hits. I chose to create a mobile home. So we worked on creating that. Worked on what I’d put in there to make it safe for me.

I said I’d have a big tv, where I could stream netflicks, and a music centre, where I could play my rap music.

I said I’d be able to have soft fleec blankets to wrap up in, and a nice ginger bread latte to drink whenever I wanted one. Those are the things which make me feel safe.

At first it felt weird to be trying to create this space. But after a while it got a little easier. I was able to imagine it more easily. Of course Eileen was also helping me so I wasnt on my own doing it which was nice.

She said we’d work more on the feelings in the new year. Work more on why I feel so suicidal. What might be causing it. For now she told me to shelve the memories. And when I start to feel overwhelmed to go to my space space, my mobile home inside.

I can do that. I’m glad I had a session. I’m glad I tried the pulsers. I’m glad we did this piece of work. I think I might learn to like therapy. I like Eileen. She is very kind. She is also very helpful.

She also asked me if I’d like her to place a hand on my shoulder while we worked. So I said I would try it out. She said I was in charge, I could tell her exactly where her hand should go. She put it on my shoulder, and then she asked me if that felt ok, if it was in the right place, or did I want it to be some other way. She asked me to show her what I wanted so I did.

It felt so sootheing to have her hand there, a kinda holding, a calm, sootheing thing, I felt so held, contained, so safe. It was wonderful.

I hope I can do some more work soon and maybe deal with some of the emotion I feel, the memories I have, and the suicidal thoughts an d urges.
Lisa

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I talked to eileen about what happened to our client

so I decided to text Eileen and ask her if I could talk to her. I wasnt sure if she had college tonight, she is a lecturer in the psychotherapy programme at the local university, she did have college, but I texted her, I asked if she had a few mins to check in and I told her I’d gotten bad news. She rang me back within 15 minutes. She was on her way home after lecturing. So we talked as she drove home. I told her about my client who killed himself. She was so understanding. She told me that it would be understandable that I’d be in shock. I was telling her about Emilys two insiders who were suicidal, and upon hearing this news today, they became very upset and shocked. I think it was like a wake up call for them. We talked about completing suicide. Eileen said there was nothing more we as a system could have done. This client of ours unfortunately had his mind made up already. I know this is the case. I just keep thinking I should have could have done more. Logically I couldnt though. Its just a hard truth to swallow. Hard to take that he’s dead now. He’s gone. I told eileen that I am sitting here thinking about how one minute someone can be here, the next they’re gone. She talked to me about resilience. About how some people dont have as much as others. She said to me that I need to remember how resilient we are. How we’re fighters. We have come through so much. She said she knows that the client doing this has stirred up a lot for us. In a lot of different ways. I agreed. She said she hopes my supervisor is giving us support. I said she was but that I couldnt actually talk much to her about my own feelings, because my supervisor doesnt know I have mental health difficulties, and she doesnt know I’ve tried to kill myself in the past. So that is why I reached out to Eileen. I know I can be honest with her. I know she gets me and gets it. I was telling Eileen I really dont want any more bad news today. Not only did I hear this news about my client, tonight I got the bad news that my cousin whose only 50 has stage four liver cancer. And then earlier I got the news that I need to discuss nitro retiring next tuesday with the trainer who comes out to do our aftercare. I really cant handle another thing today. Eileen told me to wrap up in a soft blanket. Make some tea, get a blanket, wrap up in it. And draw a line under today. And that is what I am going to do I think. I am exhausted but unable to sleep. I will do some self care things tonight though. To care for myself. I will do some writing, drink some tea, maybe read, and wrap up warm and cosy in a blanket. I am so grateful for Eileen. She never lets me down. She always comes through for us. I feel so so lucky to have her in our lives. She said that I shouldnt worry about texting her, she was fine with it. All I could say is thank you, thank you, I love you. And I do. I love her. She has made me feel contained tonight. Contained, and safe, and I know she’s with me in spirit, I know she is here, talking to her just reaffirmed that

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One of my clients is dead

I found out today that one of the friendly call clients I call each week killed himself. I’d spoken to this man on numerous occasions. He was in his fifties. He had a severe mental illness. My supervisor told me he did it last week. We were the last people he spoke to, friendly call was the last contact he had with anyone before he did it.

I was floored. Its the first time something like this has happened to me while I’ve been a volunteer. I just cant believe it. It really brings it home to me how precious life is. And how you just never know how things can happen on a spur of a moment.

I hope he’s at peace now. I am glad he had us I am glad we were able to maybe bring him some happy times. The fact that we spoke to him daily. The fact he had someone on the end of the phone to talk to. He was very isolated, he lived in a rural area. And he was so lonely.

Loneliness kills. It really does.

Its going to take me some time to process this. I still feel kinda numb. Maybe because I’ve also come close to ending it. Maybe because I know his pain. I know how he must have felt when he made his decision. I just wish he’d have told us how he was feeling.

Its a sad day for me today. I’ll send prayers up to the universe and hopefully he’s at peace now.