About Emily

Well, Em had a bad night. She was struggling a lot tonight.  She finally got some sleep and she is now sleeping. But I am wide awake.  I am worried about her. She has been so depressed lately.  Its such a worry. We that is myself and liz, and jade, have been trying to help her best as we can.  The thing is though, she doesnt want to talk to us.  She keeps everything to herself.  Jade lives with her, in the area inside where Emily lives, and she has said she’ll keep an eye on her.  I worry when she is so suicidal. She can be quite impulsive.  And she has an ability to block the rest of us from knowing what she’s doing, and she can block us from having control of the body, if she wants to as well, I need to try to keep focused, and keeping a close eye on whose out, what they are doing when they are out etc.  I’ve told emily she isnt to come out if she feels suicidal, unless myself or Liz or Jade are close by to watch her.  She has agreed to this.  I’ve taken all of our meds, and hid them.  The last thing I want is for her to get hold of our meds and take the whole lot, which is something that could easily happen when she gets the urge to die and because she is so impulsive at times.  Her depression debilitates her.  You can tell, just from looking at her that she’s not ok.  Did you ever walk into a room with someone whose depressed and the energy in the room feels awful?  The air is heavy, the atmosphere is heavy?  That is how it is here when Emilys out.  She says she feels flat, and she has no energy to care.  thats the worry, when she has no energy to care.  i’ve told her she can write to people, on our email list, and on our blog over the next few days for support and she said she would do that.  she’ll also talk to eileen on monday I hope.  I’ve emailed eileen to fill her in on the situation.  Just one more day to get through before we see eileen.  Thank god.

From Emily: I am so broken..so, done with life

hihihihii feel broken, so, so broken.
my heart aches. I am  in serious emotional pain.
I feel so suicidal and I just want to stop existing.
I dont want to go on. I cant.
The memories are killing me. I feel like the abusers have won.
I am a mess. Everything just feels so overwhelming.
I feel in a constant state of depression. I know others inside arent, but I am.
I don’t know what to do.
I feel like this will never end, this low mood.
I try and try but it wont stop.
I just feel broken. dirty. worthless. stupid. bad. no good.
I think I am beyond help.
I want to reach out to eileen, but i can’t.
Maybe she’s sick of me too. She’d probably say no she’s not.
But honestly? She should be.
All I do is whine to her.
There’s only so much of that people can take.
butterfly hugs,
love
emily age 12

dark thoughts…

that familiar ache
it grips me
it haunts me
it penetrates
it makes me squirm
i cry silent tears
the darkness engulfs me
overtakes me
i am in so much pain
the pain feels like its killing me
emotional pain
there is no rest
no relief
no getting away from it
darkness is my friend
my constant companion
especially at night
oh how I wish
the night would end
the darkness would subside
Oh how I wish
for peace from this pain
Will it ever come?

Triggered! dark thoughts!

Its Misty. I am feeling very emotional. I am really triggered!

I feel so depressed. My thoughts are dark and I feel suicidal!

I texted Eileen and am waiting for her to respond! I feel like I need her. I need her calm voice to reassure me we can make it through this hard time!

We are also at our parents house now. We had to come here since we felt unsafe. We felt like hurting ourselves. We’ve made an agreement with Eileen that we wont do anything to harm ourselves. So this was the next best thing for us to do!

Everything just feels so awful! I dont know what to do!

My mood is so so low! I just feel like I shouldnt be here. I shouldnt exist. I know its what my abusers told me. I feel so lost! So lost and alone!

I hope eileen texts me soon, cuz I am not ok!
Misty age 15

Working on us week 16 passive suicidal ideation

This week I again participate in Beckys working on us prompt.

This weeks topic is passive suicidal ideation. For anyone, the difference between passive and suicidal ideation is essentially I wish I was dead (passive) vs. I want to kill myself (active).

Prompt #1

Write a narrative about yourself and/or someone you know that is believed to think Passive Suicidal Ideation

I have suffered from this. I still do. I go from passive, to active, and then back to passive. I think its like that for a lot of people actually. For me the passive part of it is the scary part. When your in active SI you have the energy to do something, to actually go through with it. When your passively thinking about it, it seems to be far worse. At least, thats how it is for me anyway. Wishing I was dead, wishing I didnt exist, wishing I wasnt around any more, that feels awful and scary to me. even though at the time I am wishing it and thinking it, I dont seem to really care one way or another.

I am glad I havent had any SI thoughts in a while. Not bad ones. I’ve had fleating thoughts every so often, but nothing major, I am so thankful for that much.

Having support while your suicidal is the best thing. Getting help, reaching out that is the most important thing I think. Talking about it, not being afraid to ask someone if they are thinking about suicide or feeling suicidal, that is the only way to end the stigma of suicide.

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In a dark place

Its 2:34 in the morning. Despite my best efforts, I am wide awake!

I am feeling very low. I just feel awful. I feel so so down. My thoughts are dark. I feel an urge to do something really impulsive.

this is not good! Not good at all!

I am so not ok!

If I disappeared, I wonder would anyone notice, or care?

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