Lisa. Learning to feel my feelings and working in therapy

Hi guys
My name is Lisa. I am 17 years old.

I am one of Emilys insiders. I am a dark in Ems system.

This week I worked with Eileen. I had spoken to her on the phone one other time but I had never talked directly to her. I decided this week that I would. I’d been feeling intensely suicidal. I thought maybe she can help me with that.

She did help me a lot. We talked about my feelings and the hopelessness I feel all the time. I’m always suicidal. It gets really old. I just dont feel any other way.

Eileen asked how that helps me. How does it help me to always feel like this?

I dont know how it does. I got lost for words. I find it hard to articulate things sometimes. Eileen said it was ok. She said we’d track how I am feeling and see where it goes.

She asked me if I’d like to use the pulsers. So I did. I was nervous to use them. I havent ever tried them out.

We tracked the feelings. That part was hard. I am not used to feeling my body. I found it hard to describe the sensations I was feeling and I also found it hard to describe in words how it was for me using the pulsers.

We worked on making a safe space for me to go when the emotions and overwhelm hits. I chose to create a mobile home. So we worked on creating that. Worked on what I’d put in there to make it safe for me.

I said I’d have a big tv, where I could stream netflicks, and a music centre, where I could play my rap music.

I said I’d be able to have soft fleec blankets to wrap up in, and a nice ginger bread latte to drink whenever I wanted one. Those are the things which make me feel safe.

At first it felt weird to be trying to create this space. But after a while it got a little easier. I was able to imagine it more easily. Of course Eileen was also helping me so I wasnt on my own doing it which was nice.

She said we’d work more on the feelings in the new year. Work more on why I feel so suicidal. What might be causing it. For now she told me to shelve the memories. And when I start to feel overwhelmed to go to my space space, my mobile home inside.

I can do that. I’m glad I had a session. I’m glad I tried the pulsers. I’m glad we did this piece of work. I think I might learn to like therapy. I like Eileen. She is very kind. She is also very helpful.

She also asked me if I’d like her to place a hand on my shoulder while we worked. So I said I would try it out. She said I was in charge, I could tell her exactly where her hand should go. She put it on my shoulder, and then she asked me if that felt ok, if it was in the right place, or did I want it to be some other way. She asked me to show her what I wanted so I did.

It felt so sootheing to have her hand there, a kinda holding, a calm, sootheing thing, I felt so held, contained, so safe. It was wonderful.

I hope I can do some more work soon and maybe deal with some of the emotion I feel, the memories I have, and the suicidal thoughts an d urges.
Lisa

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One of my clients is dead

I found out today that one of the friendly call clients I call each week killed himself. I’d spoken to this man on numerous occasions. He was in his fifties. He had a severe mental illness. My supervisor told me he did it last week. We were the last people he spoke to, friendly call was the last contact he had with anyone before he did it.

I was floored. Its the first time something like this has happened to me while I’ve been a volunteer. I just cant believe it. It really brings it home to me how precious life is. And how you just never know how things can happen on a spur of a moment.

I hope he’s at peace now. I am glad he had us I am glad we were able to maybe bring him some happy times. The fact that we spoke to him daily. The fact he had someone on the end of the phone to talk to. He was very isolated, he lived in a rural area. And he was so lonely.

Loneliness kills. It really does.

Its going to take me some time to process this. I still feel kinda numb. Maybe because I’ve also come close to ending it. Maybe because I know his pain. I know how he must have felt when he made his decision. I just wish he’d have told us how he was feeling.

Its a sad day for me today. I’ll send prayers up to the universe and hopefully he’s at peace now.

From Lisa, was so suicidal last night

hi everyone, my name is lisa. i am 17.
i had a tough night last night. i felt really suicidal last night. i wanted to take pills. i wanted to take them because i felt like we broke the rules last weekend. we were meant to go meet our abusers from the cult and we didnt go, and that is breaking the rules, and i felt like i should kill myself before one of them killed me first.
emily was really worried about me so she texted eileen. she told her i was feeling really suicdal and bad and asked her to text us when she could. eileen texted us back and then she called us.
i talked to her on the phone for a long time. we talked about why i wanted to die, about the abusers and about how we have choice now, about our living situation now, how it has changed, and about the system etc.
it felt good to talk to her. i felt safe with her. i told her i wished i was back in her office again cuz it feels safe there.
in the end eileen told me to maybe go inside and rest, and allow liz to front. so i did. and liz fronted for the rest of the night and me and emily and the rest of emilys insiders went inside and went to bed. i think liz took the whole system to bed too after getting off of the phone.
we slept well last night. and i made a promise to eileen that i wouldnt take pills. and i am going to keep it. i would never break a promise to eileen.
Lisa

I CANT TAKE IT

I WANT AN END TO THE PAIN, I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANY MORE, I WANT OUT, I WANT OUT NOW. I CANT TAKE IT ANY MORE. I CANT I CANT. IM DROWNING. IM SINKING FAST. LIFE FEELS JUST SO UNBEARABLE.
SIRENA AGE 16

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suicide attempt

so one of the insiders, sirena, is feeling very bad. she is suicidal. she wanted to take all of our meds and she almost did when I went to take my night meds she was out, luckily I was able to overpower her before she did anything, but it was this close, she was about to down them all.

I was never so scared! I didnt see it coming!

I tried talking to her but she’s not ready to open up. She just went back inside very quickly. I am going to email eileen and tell her. I think she will try to work with her in therapy.

I really feel for her. I know how it is to be suicidal. But man is it scary when you didnt even know she was gonna do it!

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i am a hot mess

I AM A HOT MESS. I DONT WANT TO TALK IN THERAPY TODAY. BUT KNOW I HAVE TO. I HAVE TO IF I WANT TO FEEL BETTER. I AM SCARED THOUGH. I FEEL TRIGGERED, HUGELY TRIGGERED, I NEED A HUG FROM EILEEN BUT AM TOO SCARED TO ASK HER FOR ONE. I FEEL ALONE AND MTHOUGHTS ARE WHIRLING AROUND IN MY HEAD. I HATE THIS FEELING.
LIZ

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URGES AND BRAIN DUMP

I FEEL IT THE URGE TO CUT THE URGE TO HURT MYSELF
IT IS STRONG AND I AM WEAK
IT IS THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, NOBODY IS UP
I AM ALONE. ALONE AND SCARED. AND WISHING I COULD BE NUMB.
JUST NUMB THE PAIN AWAY, ITS THE ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE RIGHT NOW
LIZ

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