A CONFESSION, IT WAS ME

I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE. IT WAS ME WHO STOCKPILED OUR MEDS. I WAS GOING TO TAKE ALL OF THEM. I FELT SO SUICIDAL. I JUST FELT SO LOW, SO SO LOW. I WAS STOCKPILING THEM FOR A FEW WEEKS. PROBABLY SINCE THE END OF FEBRUARY. IF IT HADNT BEEN FOR NITRO GETTING SICK AND U S GOING HOME EARLY TO TAKE HIM TO THE VET, I’D HAVE TAKEN THEM ALL. WE’D BE DEAD NOW. AND NOW THAT I’VE HAD TIME TO THINK ON IT, I’M SO HAPPY WE’RE NOT. I’M SO THANKFUL TO NITRO. IT IS ONLY BECAUSE OF HIM THAT WE ARE HERE RIGHT NOW. AND IT IS ONLY BECAUSE OF HIM GETTING ILL THAT CAROL ANNE REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT OUR SITUATION AND PULLED US OUT OF THE ILS COURSE. SO THANKS CAROL ANNE ALSO. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY THANK YOU NITRO. I’M SO GRATEFUL THAT IM STILL HERE. IF I EVER FEEL SO BAD AGAIN, I KNOW NOW TO REACH OUT. I KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO CARE. PEOPLE I CAN TALK TOO. I DONT HAVE TO BE ALONE WITH MY GRIEF AND FEELINGS.
WILLOW

STILL FEELING LIKE SHIT

IM NOT OK. NOT DOING WELL AT ALL TONIGHT. FEEL SO SUICIDAL. TRYING NOT TO BE A DEBBIE DOWNER BECAUSE WE ARE ON VACATION AND I KNOW THE REST OF THE SYSTEM ARE ALL HAVING FUN. IM NOT THOUGH. I CANT SEEM TO ENJOY MYSELF. THE DEPRESSION IS JUST TOO BAD. I FEEL TOO SHITTY. MY MOOD JUST IS AWFUL AND I FEEL VERY LOW. A BLACK CLOUD HANGS OVER ME. I HATE IT. IT IS SUCH AN AWFUL FEELING. WHEN WE GET HOME IM DEFINITELY GOING TO TALK TO EILEEN IN THERAPY ON MONDAY ABOUT HOW I FEEL. IM SURE SHE’LL HAVE GOOD SUGGESTIONS FOR ME. THIS HAS GONE ON NOW FOR ALMOST 2 WEEKS. I FEEL LIKE CRAP. AND I HATE FEELING THAT WAY.
LIZ

HARD NIGHT

I AM SO AFRAID. AFRAID TO SLEEP. AFRAID OF HAVING NIGHTMARES. TONIGHT IS A BAD NIGHT. SOME OF YOU MIGHT KNOW WE ARE SRA SURVIVORS, RITUAL ABUSE SURVIVORS. WELL THERE IS AN ECLIPSE, AND A BAD DATE TODAY TOO FOR RITUAL ABUSE SURVIVORS. LOTS OF CHAOS INSIDE. LOTS OF SCREAMING AND CRYING. LOTS OF FEAR. LOTS OF OVERWHELM. EMOTIONAL OVERLOAD. ITS JUST SO HARD. I WANT TO CUT SO BAD RIGHT NOW. I JUST FEEL LIKE GOING IN THE BATHROOM AND BREAKING THE MIRROR AND CUTTING.
LIZ

ANGRY

I HATE LIFE. I HATE MY ABUSERS. I HATE EVERYTHING. I WANT TO GIVE UP. I’M SO PISSED. I WANT TO BREAK EVERYTHING IN THIS DAMN ROOM. FUCKING ABUSERS THEY ARE SCUM. CONSTANTLY HARASSING US. GETTING US ALL RILED UP. HARD NOT TO GET RILED UP. I JUST WANT TO FUCKING DIE. I REALLY REALLY DO. I AM DONE. I AM SO FUCKING DONE. BEAT DOWN AND DONE. LIFE SUCKS. MY LIFE IS PATHETIC. I AM A FAILURE. I COULDNT EVEN SUCCEED AT ENDING IT.
PIXIE AGE 21

ED THOUGHTS

i hate myself. i feel so fat. fat and disgusting. i want to vomit. i cant help it i just feel so gross. it will get all the badness out of me if i do it. i am black on the inside. why did carol anne let erika eat those cookies earlier? i wish she hadnt. im just obsessing over the amount of calories in them.
emily age 12