From Lisa, was so suicidal last night

hi everyone, my name is lisa. i am 17.
i had a tough night last night. i felt really suicidal last night. i wanted to take pills. i wanted to take them because i felt like we broke the rules last weekend. we were meant to go meet our abusers from the cult and we didnt go, and that is breaking the rules, and i felt like i should kill myself before one of them killed me first.
emily was really worried about me so she texted eileen. she told her i was feeling really suicdal and bad and asked her to text us when she could. eileen texted us back and then she called us.
i talked to her on the phone for a long time. we talked about why i wanted to die, about the abusers and about how we have choice now, about our living situation now, how it has changed, and about the system etc.
it felt good to talk to her. i felt safe with her. i told her i wished i was back in her office again cuz it feels safe there.
in the end eileen told me to maybe go inside and rest, and allow liz to front. so i did. and liz fronted for the rest of the night and me and emily and the rest of emilys insiders went inside and went to bed. i think liz took the whole system to bed too after getting off of the phone.
we slept well last night. and i made a promise to eileen that i wouldnt take pills. and i am going to keep it. i would never break a promise to eileen.
Lisa

I CANT TAKE IT

I WANT AN END TO THE PAIN, I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANY MORE, I WANT OUT, I WANT OUT NOW. I CANT TAKE IT ANY MORE. I CANT I CANT. IM DROWNING. IM SINKING FAST. LIFE FEELS JUST SO UNBEARABLE.
SIRENA AGE 16

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suicide attempt

so one of the insiders, sirena, is feeling very bad. she is suicidal. she wanted to take all of our meds and she almost did when I went to take my night meds she was out, luckily I was able to overpower her before she did anything, but it was this close, she was about to down them all.

I was never so scared! I didnt see it coming!

I tried talking to her but she’s not ready to open up. She just went back inside very quickly. I am going to email eileen and tell her. I think she will try to work with her in therapy.

I really feel for her. I know how it is to be suicidal. But man is it scary when you didnt even know she was gonna do it!

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i am a hot mess

I AM A HOT MESS. I DONT WANT TO TALK IN THERAPY TODAY. BUT KNOW I HAVE TO. I HAVE TO IF I WANT TO FEEL BETTER. I AM SCARED THOUGH. I FEEL TRIGGERED, HUGELY TRIGGERED, I NEED A HUG FROM EILEEN BUT AM TOO SCARED TO ASK HER FOR ONE. I FEEL ALONE AND MTHOUGHTS ARE WHIRLING AROUND IN MY HEAD. I HATE THIS FEELING.
LIZ

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URGES AND BRAIN DUMP

I FEEL IT THE URGE TO CUT THE URGE TO HURT MYSELF
IT IS STRONG AND I AM WEAK
IT IS THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, NOBODY IS UP
I AM ALONE. ALONE AND SCARED. AND WISHING I COULD BE NUMB.
JUST NUMB THE PAIN AWAY, ITS THE ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE RIGHT NOW
LIZ

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A CONFESSION, IT WAS ME

I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE. IT WAS ME WHO STOCKPILED OUR MEDS. I WAS GOING TO TAKE ALL OF THEM. I FELT SO SUICIDAL. I JUST FELT SO LOW, SO SO LOW. I WAS STOCKPILING THEM FOR A FEW WEEKS. PROBABLY SINCE THE END OF FEBRUARY. IF IT HADNT BEEN FOR NITRO GETTING SICK AND U S GOING HOME EARLY TO TAKE HIM TO THE VET, I’D HAVE TAKEN THEM ALL. WE’D BE DEAD NOW. AND NOW THAT I’VE HAD TIME TO THINK ON IT, I’M SO HAPPY WE’RE NOT. I’M SO THANKFUL TO NITRO. IT IS ONLY BECAUSE OF HIM THAT WE ARE HERE RIGHT NOW. AND IT IS ONLY BECAUSE OF HIM GETTING ILL THAT CAROL ANNE REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT OUR SITUATION AND PULLED US OUT OF THE ILS COURSE. SO THANKS CAROL ANNE ALSO. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY THANK YOU NITRO. I’M SO GRATEFUL THAT IM STILL HERE. IF I EVER FEEL SO BAD AGAIN, I KNOW NOW TO REACH OUT. I KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO CARE. PEOPLE I CAN TALK TOO. I DONT HAVE TO BE ALONE WITH MY GRIEF AND FEELINGS.
WILLOW

STILL FEELING LIKE SHIT

IM NOT OK. NOT DOING WELL AT ALL TONIGHT. FEEL SO SUICIDAL. TRYING NOT TO BE A DEBBIE DOWNER BECAUSE WE ARE ON VACATION AND I KNOW THE REST OF THE SYSTEM ARE ALL HAVING FUN. IM NOT THOUGH. I CANT SEEM TO ENJOY MYSELF. THE DEPRESSION IS JUST TOO BAD. I FEEL TOO SHITTY. MY MOOD JUST IS AWFUL AND I FEEL VERY LOW. A BLACK CLOUD HANGS OVER ME. I HATE IT. IT IS SUCH AN AWFUL FEELING. WHEN WE GET HOME IM DEFINITELY GOING TO TALK TO EILEEN IN THERAPY ON MONDAY ABOUT HOW I FEEL. IM SURE SHE’LL HAVE GOOD SUGGESTIONS FOR ME. THIS HAS GONE ON NOW FOR ALMOST 2 WEEKS. I FEEL LIKE CRAP. AND I HATE FEELING THAT WAY.
LIZ