My name is Lisa. I am 17 years old.
I am one of Emilys insiders. I am a dark in Ems system.
This week I worked with Eileen. I had spoken to her on the phone one other time but I had never talked directly to her. I decided this week that I would. I’d been feeling intensely suicidal. I thought maybe she can help me with that.
She did help me a lot. We talked about my feelings and the hopelessness I feel all the time. I’m always suicidal. It gets really old. I just dont feel any other way.
Eileen asked how that helps me. How does it help me to always feel like this?
I dont know how it does. I got lost for words. I find it hard to articulate things sometimes. Eileen said it was ok. She said we’d track how I am feeling and see where it goes.
She asked me if I’d like to use the pulsers. So I did. I was nervous to use them. I havent ever tried them out.
We tracked the feelings. That part was hard. I am not used to feeling my body. I found it hard to describe the sensations I was feeling and I also found it hard to describe in words how it was for me using the pulsers.
We worked on making a safe space for me to go when the emotions and overwhelm hits. I chose to create a mobile home. So we worked on creating that. Worked on what I’d put in there to make it safe for me.
I said I’d have a big tv, where I could stream netflicks, and a music centre, where I could play my rap music.
I said I’d be able to have soft fleec blankets to wrap up in, and a nice ginger bread latte to drink whenever I wanted one. Those are the things which make me feel safe.
At first it felt weird to be trying to create this space. But after a while it got a little easier. I was able to imagine it more easily. Of course Eileen was also helping me so I wasnt on my own doing it which was nice.
She said we’d work more on the feelings in the new year. Work more on why I feel so suicidal. What might be causing it. For now she told me to shelve the memories. And when I start to feel overwhelmed to go to my space space, my mobile home inside.
I can do that. I’m glad I had a session. I’m glad I tried the pulsers. I’m glad we did this piece of work. I think I might learn to like therapy. I like Eileen. She is very kind. She is also very helpful.
She also asked me if I’d like her to place a hand on my shoulder while we worked. So I said I would try it out. She said I was in charge, I could tell her exactly where her hand should go. She put it on my shoulder, and then she asked me if that felt ok, if it was in the right place, or did I want it to be some other way. She asked me to show her what I wanted so I did.
It felt so sootheing to have her hand there, a kinda holding, a calm, sootheing thing, I felt so held, contained, so safe. It was wonderful.
I hope I can do some more work soon and maybe deal with some of the emotion I feel, the memories I have, and the suicidal thoughts an d urges.