I CANT TAKE IT

I WANT AN END TO THE PAIN, I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANY MORE, I WANT OUT, I WANT OUT NOW. I CANT TAKE IT ANY MORE. I CANT I CANT. IM DROWNING. IM SINKING FAST. LIFE FEELS JUST SO UNBEARABLE.
SIRENA AGE 16

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attachment issues around the frequency of seeing dr. barry

dr. barry said today that she wants us to come in next week, instead of in two weeks time. normally our apts are two weeks apart. they have been that way for a while. we used to go weekly. and after christmas we decided to try going bi weekly. its working ok, or i thought it was. but now i’m not so sure. i know our attachment issues kicked up a notch. we still feel insecure when she’s on vacation. or if we dont see her every two weeks. and with the recent suicidal stuff, i’m starting to wonder, if insiders wanted to do stuff to try to get her to see us more often again. today when she said that under the circumstances we should come back next week people were secretly happy. im not going to name names here but there were a good number of insiders who breathed a sigh of relief when she said that. so that makes me wonder? are we really ok seeing her less often? i dont think we are. i think its something we need to talk about with her. she cant really do anything about it, because she isnt able to sustain seeing us weekly, her clinic is too busy, she has a lot of patients. and we are the only one she sees regularly, all of her other patients are lucky to see her once a year, they have to deal with junior doctors, not us though, we always see dr. barry. that was recommended in our report when we were diagnosed with did. i knew our attachment issues were strong on this matter but i didnt think it was this bad. or maybe i did and i just ignored it. i’m starting to think there is a lot that i didnt know about the system. a lot i’m not so aware of. and i’m also learning that some of the older insiders, like willow, like liz, like wendy, insiders who i thought would never attach to either eileen or dr. barry are starting to really attach, and they feel abandoned, left alone, insecure when they dont see them for a while. i know thats not a bad thing. its just really really surprising. im going to make this issue a priority in therapy too. we need to discuss this going forward.
carol anne

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SEEING DR. BARRY…ITS ALMOST HERE

TOMORROW WE WILL BE SEEING DR. BARRY. I’M SO NERVOUS. I ALMOST DONT WANT TO GO. I’D LOVE TO CANCEL THE APT BUT I KNOW WE NEED TO GO. I KNOW I NEED TO TELL HER WHAT I DID. SHE CANT HELP US IF SHE DOESNT KNOW. AND I ALREADY TOLD EILEEN, SO MAYBE IT WONT BE SO BAD. HERES HOPING IT WONT. IM IMAGINING HER BEING MAD, OR ANGRY AT ME. CAROL ANNE AND LIZ SAY SHE WONT BE. THAT SHE’LL BE JUST GLAD WE’RE OK AND GLAD I CAME FORWARD AND OWNED UP TO WHAT I DID. I’M JUST SO FULL OF ANXIETY TONIGHT ABOUT IT. I’VE DECIDED THOUGH TO JUST COME OUT WITH IT. TO GO IN THERE AND JUST TELL HER I NEED TO TELL HER SOMETHING AND GO FOR IT. ITS THE ONLY WAY. WISH ME LUCK GUYS…
WILLOW

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I CARE IF YOU KILL YOURSELF

WENT TO THERAPY THIS MORNING. TALKED FOR A LONG TIME WITH EILEEN ABOUT WHAT I DID LAST WEEK STOCKPILING THE MEDS. SHE WAS SHOCKED. WE TALKED ABOUT HOW THE FRONT SYSTEM MEMBERS WHO FRONT REGULARLY LOOK LIKE THEY ARE ALL FINE, BUT THE ONES WHO ARE FURTHER BACK, LIKE ME ARENT. SHE ASKED ME TO EXPLAIN THINGS TO HER SO I DID. AND SHE GOT IT.
ONE THING SHE SAID TO ME THOUGH WAS
“I CARE VERY MUCH ABOUT YOU”
“I CARE WHETHER YOU ARE ALIVE OR NOT”
“I’D BE SO SAD IF ANYTHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO YOU”
I REALLY DIDNT THINK ANYONE CARED. I FELT SO ALONE WITH MY FEELINGS. I REALLY thought I WAS alone with them.
IT FEELS SO GOOD TO KNOW SHE’S BEHIND US. SHE CARES. SHE WANTS US TO LIVE. IT MAKES ME WANT TO LIVE TOO.
SHE SAID WE’LL KEEP WORKING ON MANAGING FEELINGS. TALKING ABOUT THEM AND MANAGING THEM IN SMALL CHUNKS.
I TOLD HER WE’RE OFF OF OUR MEDS, BUT WE’LL BE TALKING WITH DR. BARRY ABOUT RESTARTING THEM ON WED. SHE WAS OK WITH THAT. SHE SAID WE NEED TO DISCUSS WAYS OF THIS SITUATION NOT REOCCURING. LIKE TRYING TO COME UP WITH SOME SOLUTIONS FOR TAKING MEDS SAFELY.
IT WAS A TOUGH SESSION. ONE I WASNT LOOKING FORWARD TO. BUT I AM GLAD I TALKED TO HER. JUST KNOWING SHES THERE FOR US REALLY HELPS AND MAKES A HUGE DIFFERENCE.
WILLOW

my Day with mom at the lake

mom and me had an awesome day together. it was so nice to spend time on my own with my mom, just me and her. We talked a lot. About all sorts of things. We laughed a lot too.

we left moms house at about 11:45 AM. We took a bus to the lake. The cemetery where my gramma and grandad are buried is nearby so when we got off the bus we first stopped off at a store and bought some flowers. We each bought some lillies to put on their grave. Then we walked the short distance to the cemetery.

We spent a couple of minutes at the graveside. We both put our flowers down, and said prayers. Then we walked about a 10 min walk to the lake.

before we got to the lake we stopped off at another store, and we bought some lottery tickets for tonight, so you never know, I might be a winner, lol, if I am I’ll be booking another vacation!

I also bought some fruit salad, strawberries, and water. We then went and sat down and ate our lunch, mom had made us sandwiches and we had the fruit salad, and strawberries I’d brought. The strawberries were delicious. There was pineapple, melon, apple and grapes in the fruit salad. After we ate we just sat for a while, listening to, and looking at the ducks and swans that frequent the lake.

Then we decided we’d go for a walk around the lake. Its a mile long. It takes about 15 minutes to go around it. My foot started hurting because I was wearing the wrong type of shoes for walking. I managed to walk though but now my foot is all skint. Anyway it was a lovely walk. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Then I asked mom if she’d like a drink in the bar. She said she would so we went in. I bought her a drink and I had some tea. We decided it was too warm to sit inside, so we sat out in the beer garden. It was then that we did most of our talking. The main thing we talked about was my mental health. Mom said she felt I was doing well, and did dr. barry think so. I said I thought she did. She said she was pleased that I was doing better, she knows I’m currently off meds, she asked me if I was going to go back on them. I said I wasnt sure but probably I am going to ask dr. barry if she’ll take me off of some of them. I want to continue to lose weight, and I know if I do go back on the lyrica and depokate I wont lose any weight. Mom agreed with me. Now I have to convince dr. barry. I told mom I still feel bad on most days, but I have ways of coping with it. And I didnt think meds are helping me. She said that was good that I was able to cope, and whatever I am doing it must be working for me.

She told me that if I ever feel suicidal and need to come stay with her, that her door is always open for me. That if I feel bad I shouldnt wait, I should just ring her and tell her I need to stay with her for a few days. I thought that was sweet of her. It felt like she really understood me. She really got it and what she didnt get she was still really trying to understand.

I feel we really turned a corner today. Talking to her really helped. I feel it has cemented our relationship sorta. Made our bond that much stronger.

I told her I’d been thinking a lot lately. About having tried so many times to kill myself, and how I’d survived that every time. And then about 5 years ago I got cysts on my ovaries, and it could have been cancer, but it turned out not to be, I survived, yet again. I said I felt so lucky. Lucky that I was given not one but numerous chances, and I felt like there must be a reason for me being here still.

She agreed with me, she said me and my sister, there is only the two of us, we only each have each other. That when I feel bad I should think of Laura, and did I want to do that to her, and effect her life in that way, that I’d be remembered as her sister who killed herself.

No, thank you, I do not want to be remembered like that.

So yeah a long an heart felt talk we had. And I am so glad we did.

After our drinks we got the bus home, the bus was so hot, there was no air or it seemed like it, it was really humid on the bus. I was glad to get off of it. We got back to moms and we ate some cheese toasties, then my aunt rang, she said she’d call to my mom later for drinks with mom, so I’ll sit with them and we’ll all chat, so it will be a nice relaxed saturday evening.

A CONFESSION, IT WAS ME

I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE. IT WAS ME WHO STOCKPILED OUR MEDS. I WAS GOING TO TAKE ALL OF THEM. I FELT SO SUICIDAL. I JUST FELT SO LOW, SO SO LOW. I WAS STOCKPILING THEM FOR A FEW WEEKS. PROBABLY SINCE THE END OF FEBRUARY. IF IT HADNT BEEN FOR NITRO GETTING SICK AND U S GOING HOME EARLY TO TAKE HIM TO THE VET, I’D HAVE TAKEN THEM ALL. WE’D BE DEAD NOW. AND NOW THAT I’VE HAD TIME TO THINK ON IT, I’M SO HAPPY WE’RE NOT. I’M SO THANKFUL TO NITRO. IT IS ONLY BECAUSE OF HIM THAT WE ARE HERE RIGHT NOW. AND IT IS ONLY BECAUSE OF HIM GETTING ILL THAT CAROL ANNE REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT OUR SITUATION AND PULLED US OUT OF THE ILS COURSE. SO THANKS CAROL ANNE ALSO. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY THANK YOU NITRO. I’M SO GRATEFUL THAT IM STILL HERE. IF I EVER FEEL SO BAD AGAIN, I KNOW NOW TO REACH OUT. I KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO CARE. PEOPLE I CAN TALK TOO. I DONT HAVE TO BE ALONE WITH MY GRIEF AND FEELINGS.
WILLOW

STOCKPILING OUR MEDS

SO TONIGHT AFTER GOING TO SLIMMING WORLD WE WENT TO ABODE TO PICK UP SOME OF OUR STUFF THAT WE’D LEFT THERE. WE ALSO NEEDED TO SIGN SOME FORMS. WHEN WE GOT THERE OUR TUTOR WAS THERE, WHICH WAS VERY SURPRISING TO US. SHE USUALLY GOES HOME AT 3 PM. IT WAS 8:30 PM. SHE ASKED US IF WE HAD A FEW MINUTES SHE SAID SHE NEEDED TO TALK TO US. WE WENT TO HER OFFICE AND THE HEAD NURSE WAS IN THERE. THEY TOLD US THAT WHEN THEY WERE CLEANING OUT OUR ROOM THEY FOUND A HUGE PILE OF MEDS. I WAS SHOCKED! I DONT KNOW WHO WAS STOCKPILING THEM! SOMEONE WAS THOUGH. THEY SAID THERE WAS A LOT OF THEM. AND THEY WERENT SURE WHAT TO DO. WE’D BEEN SELF MEDICATING AND TAKING OUR OWN MEDS. NOW I REALISE THAT MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN THE BEST IDEA. MOST PEOPLE THERE STAFF GIVE THEM THEIR MEDS. SO I WAS HONEST. I TOLD THEM WE HAVE DID AND I TOLD THEM WE STRUGGLE TO TAKE OUR MEDS PROPERLY. THAT THE DISSOCIATION MAKES US FORGET SOMETIMES. OR THAT MAYBE SOMEONE WAS SUICIDAL AND SO STOCKPILING THEM. IT WAS VERY WORRYING AND NOW I NEED TO FIND OUT WHO DID IT IN THE SYSTEM. IM PRETTY SURE IT WAS A DARK. PROBABLY WENDY OR PIXIE. IT WASNT ME ANYWAY, EVEN THOUGH I’VE BEEN PRETTY DOWN. PLANNING SUICIDE IS SOMETHING I HAVENT DONE IN YEARS. SO ANYWAY THEY TOLD ME THEY’D GIVEN THE MEDS OVER TO THE PHARMACY AND RANG MY GP FOR ADVICE. I WASNT HAPPY ABOUT THAT BUT I COULD UNDERSTAND WHY THEY HAD TO DO IT. THEY SAID DUE TO THIS HAPPENING THEY WERE GOING TO LOOK OVER THEIR POLICIES AROUND PEOPLE SELF MEDICATING. THEY SAID THEY WERENT ANNOYED AT ME THAT ACTUALLY I’D DONE THEM A FAVOUR. HOW I DID THEM A FAVOUR I DONT KNOW. MAYBE THEY HADNT UPDATED POLICIES IN A WHILE AND WERENT WORRIED THAT SOMETHING LIKE THIS COULD HAPPEN? I DUNNO. BUT IT CERTAINLY CAME AS A HUGE SHOCK TO ME THAT WE’D BEEN DOING THIS. AND NOW THAT LEAVES US WITH NO MEDS IN OUR SYSTEM. FOR HOW LONG IM NOT SURE. SO IM NOT SURE NOW WHAT TO DO. DR. BARRY WONT BE THRILLED ABOUT THIS. AND NOW WE WONT SEE HER FOR TWO WEEKS. I’M THINKING I MAY RING OUR GP TOMORROW. TALK TO HIM ABOUT THIS AND SEE WHAT HIS TAKE ON IT IS. IT CANT HURT TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT. I NEED TO ALSO CALL AN INTERNAL MEETING. SEE WHOSE SUICIDAL. AND WHY. AND WHAT THEY’D PLANNED ON DOING WITH THE MEDS. I DONT NEED THIS STRESS RIGHT NOW. I COULD DO WITH OUT IT. BUT WELL IT HAPPENED AND SO I NEED TO SORT IT OUT.
LIZ