oh god…

i want to die i cant take the pain i cant face yet another memory i just cant do it.
i wish i hadnt made a contract with eileen, because i promised her, i promised her i would stay safe…
why did I promise?
why?
I need a hug and a friend because I am feeling so alone right now…
Amber

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grappling with horrible thoughts

its late. and i’ve been thinking. and i hate when i start to think, because my mind starts going in a lot of directions. i start going to dark places, thinking dark thoughts.
tonight i’ve been thinking about all the suicide attempts I’ve had in the past. and how none of them ever worked. then i start to wonder, why? was there a reason? was I just lucky?
sometimes I am glad they never worked. on my good days I am so glad. but on my bad days I just want an end to the pain, no matter what I have to do to achieve it.
its hard living with anxiety and depression, its hard to go through each day faking happiness. smiling when inside your actually dying.
some nights here nitro is my reason for holding on. i love him and i would never ever want him to be left all alone. he wouldnt understand, and so i bring him to me and we cuddle and i snuggle into his soft fur and will myself to hold on for just another day.

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low

its 2:30 AM. I dont feel safe. I feel like I could do something impulsive to end things. suicidal thoughts are invading my mind.
I hate that. I hate when it happens.
Death is all I can think about. I’m in a very dark place.
I just cant see a reason to keep on going.
everything feels black and awful. i feel like i am drowning.
i’m just not safe.
thoughts blurr, mind spins, do it, dont, distract, react, oh god someone anyone help me.

Waiting

I’m waiting for someone from the weekend team to call me. I think it is going to be Yvonne. She called me yesterday and I remember she said she’d call me today too.

i’m nervous. I need to talk to her about the suicidal thoughts. I dont think I should but I know its important to tell her how I am feeling so I will. I dont know her that well so I’m nervous about how she will react and how I will manage to open up to her.

I managed to eat breakfast and shower so that is a positive. My mom wants me to go to a holistic fare with her later this afternoon. I said I’d go. It will be a distraction if nothing else.

the suicidal thoughts are not gone

The suicidal thoughts are still with me. i’m feeling bla, low and flat. its like the thoughts are there, but I dont have the energy to do anything about them. Everything just feels like its going in slow motion. I did sleep good so that is a positive. But I did take sleep meds to help me sleep. I just wanted to blot the world out for a while. Thanks to you all for all the comments, I really appreciate them. I hope these thoughts will go away soon I want to enjoy the rest of my weekend.

Black dark mood

i’m in a low space tonight. mood is very low. i’ve been trying to watch tv and listen to music to distract. i even tried exercising. i got off the treadmill though after about 9 minutes, i just couldnt be bothered to continue. i really feel like killing myself. someone said prozac makes you more suicidal. i’ve been on it a while now at the highest dose. i doubt its the meds. people blame meds for every little thing. its just me. i am just worthless. i just feel bad. everything feels huge and overwhelming. there is this gaping hole of loss and grief inside me. a void i cant fill. i just want to sleep forever, shut the whole world out. never wake up again. i’m really just done.

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