Its 2:34 in the morning. Despite my best efforts, I am wide awake!
I am feeling very low. I just feel awful. I feel so so down. My thoughts are dark. I feel an urge to do something really impulsive.
this is not good! Not good at all!
I am so not ok!
If I disappeared, I wonder would anyone notice, or care?
I am spiraling out of control. I feel really down and depressed. It has come on me all of a sudden. I woke with nightmares, and it went from there. Right now I want to just end it. I feel so bad. Dont worry, I probably wont do anything stupid, mainly because, I am seeing dr. barry this morning. I feel so bad though. The suicidal thoughts are so strong. They are overwhelming me. I am trying everything to feel better. Nothings working. I just feel like total shit right now. Thank god for dr. barry. I will talk to her today and see what she says. I know some of this is down to some alters struggling, they’ve been struggling, emily has, and liz has, but they’ve been trying to stay strong, its so hard for emily, she’s only a kid only 12. She worries me, as in the past she’s tried overdosing many, many times. I get worried when she is struggling. It frightens me that we could attempt it. Liz frightens me too, as she self harms, and cutting is her main form of self harm, so when she struggles with suicidal ideation, it can be dangerous for us. Its a pity eileen is not around, we could really use her support right now. I am thankful that we can be honest with dr. barry though, that helps. I am so glad we have her. Maybe Emily and Liz might either talk directly to her today, or else maybe if they are feeling up to it they’ll write something later on today on the blog.
For now though, I am not sure what to do. I feel emotional, overwhelmed, agitated, and not in the least bit strong.
Becky over at beckys mental mess is doing her working on us mental health prompt series again this week. the prompt for this week, which is week 7 is a prompt about suicide and suicidal ideation.
Prompt #1 Questions
Have you ever experienced suicidal thoughts?
Yes. I experience them a lot. I have done so for years
Have you ever attempted suicide?
Yes. I’ve overdosed on numerous occasions. It was not pleasant. All of my attempts have been overdoses.
Were you ever hospitalized for a suicidal attempt and/or ideation?
Yes. After some of my overdoses I was hospitalised for ongoing medical symptoms. After I got medically cleared I was sent to the psych unit for ongoing treatment for my suicidal ideation. Sometimes I’d spent weeks in there.
when you were hospitalized, what was your experience like?
It was mostly ok. Sometimes it wasnt, but most of the time it was a good experience. At least for the last 6 years that I’ve been seeing dr. barry. She understands me. She gets it and gets how I feel and why I am suicidal. Before I saw her, I had a lot of really bad experiences in hospital.
Do you ever feel suicidal ideation since your release?
Yes. It depends, sometimes I feel it a lot, depends on if I am low, depressed etc. If I am, then the suicidal thoughts come. Thats never pleasant.
I feel so suicidal. I don’t want to be here. My thoughts are so muddled. I want an end to the pain, I want to stop it all, and stop existing. I just want an end to it. I really don’t want to be here. Woke up feeling like this. I just feel so bad. I’m safe, but the thoughts of dying are there. Ug this sucks.
im so sad. i realy wanna die. i dont feel i can go on. i feel so sad and my heart is hurting. i just feel so scared and so sad.
i cant take the pressure. everything is so overwhelming. my head hurts. my chest is tight. my heart pounds. my stomach is feeling puky. i feel like im going to be sick. it feels icky.
this is a awful time of year. i remember realy bad things. about rituals. and memories of abuse. and people who hurt us. and did real bad things to us.
the memories wont stop. they come at night. and now it is night time. its almost 9 pm. im scared. scared to go to sleep. scared of the dark. scared of everything.
someone make it stop. im afraid to go near the pills. cuz what if i take them all? i feel like i could. its hard to keep going on. its hard not to just give in. i am trying hard. trying to fight it.
Emily age 12
My friend rose really came through today for me. I know we’ve had our issues lately but she’s been so supportive and helpful during my hard day today. She told me she’d be my sponsor! Ha I had to laugh at that! She told me Rosie says I need R and R rest and relaxation time and to have my breakfast tomorrow morning and then go right back to bed! I probably wont but we’ll see who knows, I may just do it!
I’m so delighted to have such amazing friends. I really appreciate that she has taken time to text with me today. It means so much to me and I am thankful for friends like her.
it me emily. im still feeling so so bad.
i hate feeling so bad. everything feels just awful.
i hurt all over. mentally, im hurting so much.
i still want to die. i wish i could disappear.
im a burden to everyone. i am not happy. people dont like you when your not happy. they think you are being negative. if i could i would be happy. i’d change how i feel in a heartbeat. but i cant.
i wish i could just shrink into a little speck of nothingness.
i am a nothing and a nobody. that is how i feel.
everything feels so worthless. i feel worthless.
pain is all i feel. emotional pain.
sadness, fear, guilt, shame, all of it, it just, feels awful.
hopefully after talking with eileen tonight i’ll feel better. i hope so. i am happy i get to talk to eileen. that is what is keeping me going right now.