I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE. IT WAS ME WHO STOCKPILED OUR MEDS. I WAS GOING TO TAKE ALL OF THEM. I FELT SO SUICIDAL. I JUST FELT SO LOW, SO SO LOW. I WAS STOCKPILING THEM FOR A FEW WEEKS. PROBABLY SINCE THE END OF FEBRUARY. IF IT HADNT BEEN FOR NITRO GETTING SICK AND U S GOING HOME EARLY TO TAKE HIM TO THE VET, I’D HAVE TAKEN THEM ALL. WE’D BE DEAD NOW. AND NOW THAT I’VE HAD TIME TO THINK ON IT, I’M SO HAPPY WE’RE NOT. I’M SO THANKFUL TO NITRO. IT IS ONLY BECAUSE OF HIM THAT WE ARE HERE RIGHT NOW. AND IT IS ONLY BECAUSE OF HIM GETTING ILL THAT CAROL ANNE REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT OUR SITUATION AND PULLED US OUT OF THE ILS COURSE. SO THANKS CAROL ANNE ALSO. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY THANK YOU NITRO. I’M SO GRATEFUL THAT IM STILL HERE. IF I EVER FEEL SO BAD AGAIN, I KNOW NOW TO REACH OUT. I KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO CARE. PEOPLE I CAN TALK TOO. I DONT HAVE TO BE ALONE WITH MY GRIEF AND FEELINGS.
SO TONIGHT AFTER GOING TO SLIMMING WORLD WE WENT TO ABODE TO PICK UP SOME OF OUR STUFF THAT WE’D LEFT THERE. WE ALSO NEEDED TO SIGN SOME FORMS. WHEN WE GOT THERE OUR TUTOR WAS THERE, WHICH WAS VERY SURPRISING TO US. SHE USUALLY GOES HOME AT 3 PM. IT WAS 8:30 PM. SHE ASKED US IF WE HAD A FEW MINUTES SHE SAID SHE NEEDED TO TALK TO US. WE WENT TO HER OFFICE AND THE HEAD NURSE WAS IN THERE. THEY TOLD US THAT WHEN THEY WERE CLEANING OUT OUR ROOM THEY FOUND A HUGE PILE OF MEDS. I WAS SHOCKED! I DONT KNOW WHO WAS STOCKPILING THEM! SOMEONE WAS THOUGH. THEY SAID THERE WAS A LOT OF THEM. AND THEY WERENT SURE WHAT TO DO. WE’D BEEN SELF MEDICATING AND TAKING OUR OWN MEDS. NOW I REALISE THAT MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN THE BEST IDEA. MOST PEOPLE THERE STAFF GIVE THEM THEIR MEDS. SO I WAS HONEST. I TOLD THEM WE HAVE DID AND I TOLD THEM WE STRUGGLE TO TAKE OUR MEDS PROPERLY. THAT THE DISSOCIATION MAKES US FORGET SOMETIMES. OR THAT MAYBE SOMEONE WAS SUICIDAL AND SO STOCKPILING THEM. IT WAS VERY WORRYING AND NOW I NEED TO FIND OUT WHO DID IT IN THE SYSTEM. IM PRETTY SURE IT WAS A DARK. PROBABLY WENDY OR PIXIE. IT WASNT ME ANYWAY, EVEN THOUGH I’VE BEEN PRETTY DOWN. PLANNING SUICIDE IS SOMETHING I HAVENT DONE IN YEARS. SO ANYWAY THEY TOLD ME THEY’D GIVEN THE MEDS OVER TO THE PHARMACY AND RANG MY GP FOR ADVICE. I WASNT HAPPY ABOUT THAT BUT I COULD UNDERSTAND WHY THEY HAD TO DO IT. THEY SAID DUE TO THIS HAPPENING THEY WERE GOING TO LOOK OVER THEIR POLICIES AROUND PEOPLE SELF MEDICATING. THEY SAID THEY WERENT ANNOYED AT ME THAT ACTUALLY I’D DONE THEM A FAVOUR. HOW I DID THEM A FAVOUR I DONT KNOW. MAYBE THEY HADNT UPDATED POLICIES IN A WHILE AND WERENT WORRIED THAT SOMETHING LIKE THIS COULD HAPPEN? I DUNNO. BUT IT CERTAINLY CAME AS A HUGE SHOCK TO ME THAT WE’D BEEN DOING THIS. AND NOW THAT LEAVES US WITH NO MEDS IN OUR SYSTEM. FOR HOW LONG IM NOT SURE. SO IM NOT SURE NOW WHAT TO DO. DR. BARRY WONT BE THRILLED ABOUT THIS. AND NOW WE WONT SEE HER FOR TWO WEEKS. I’M THINKING I MAY RING OUR GP TOMORROW. TALK TO HIM ABOUT THIS AND SEE WHAT HIS TAKE ON IT IS. IT CANT HURT TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT. I NEED TO ALSO CALL AN INTERNAL MEETING. SEE WHOSE SUICIDAL. AND WHY. AND WHAT THEY’D PLANNED ON DOING WITH THE MEDS. I DONT NEED THIS STRESS RIGHT NOW. I COULD DO WITH OUT IT. BUT WELL IT HAPPENED AND SO I NEED TO SORT IT OUT.
IM NOT OK. NOT DOING WELL AT ALL TONIGHT. FEEL SO SUICIDAL. TRYING NOT TO BE A DEBBIE DOWNER BECAUSE WE ARE ON VACATION AND I KNOW THE REST OF THE SYSTEM ARE ALL HAVING FUN. IM NOT THOUGH. I CANT SEEM TO ENJOY MYSELF. THE DEPRESSION IS JUST TOO BAD. I FEEL TOO SHITTY. MY MOOD JUST IS AWFUL AND I FEEL VERY LOW. A BLACK CLOUD HANGS OVER ME. I HATE IT. IT IS SUCH AN AWFUL FEELING. WHEN WE GET HOME IM DEFINITELY GOING TO TALK TO EILEEN IN THERAPY ON MONDAY ABOUT HOW I FEEL. IM SURE SHE’LL HAVE GOOD SUGGESTIONS FOR ME. THIS HAS GONE ON NOW FOR ALMOST 2 WEEKS. I FEEL LIKE CRAP. AND I HATE FEELING THAT WAY.
I FEEL LIKE FUCKING SHIT. I WANT TO DIE. I CANT DO THIS. I JUST. CANT. I JUST. WANT. TO. END. IT.
well my mood has now lifted, i no longer have the suicidal thoughts going around in my head. thanks to my blog friends for all the encouragement and kind comments.
thanks to stoner on a rollercoaster for all the jokes, we got the best giggle ever from them all!
we decided to also break out the icecream, chocolate icecream is just the best food ever when you feel down!
nothing like some choc to cheer you up.
so yep our weekend ends on a happy note! ❤ xox
i need to die
i need to die
i need to die
i’ll find a way
no one cares
no one hears
no one is there
its a lonely feeling
my head is reeling
the pressure in my brain
oh god, i’m going insane
i need to die
i need to, i need to
i just need to go away
out of everyones way
i want to die i cant take the pain i cant face yet another memory i just cant do it.
i wish i hadnt made a contract with eileen, because i promised her, i promised her i would stay safe…
why did I promise?
I need a hug and a friend because I am feeling so alone right now…