Suicidal

I feel so suicidal. I don’t want to be here. My thoughts are so muddled. I want an end to the pain, I want to stop it all, and stop existing. I just want an end to it. I really don’t want to be here. Woke up feeling like this. I just feel so bad. I’m safe, but the thoughts of dying are there. Ug this sucks.

I cant go on, someone help

hhihihihi everybody
im so sad. i realy wanna die. i dont feel i can go on. i feel so sad and my heart is hurting. i just feel so scared and so sad.

i cant take the pressure. everything is so overwhelming. my head hurts. my chest is tight. my heart pounds. my stomach is feeling puky. i feel like im going to be sick. it feels icky.

this is a awful time of year. i remember realy bad things. about rituals. and memories of abuse. and people who hurt us. and did real bad things to us.

the memories wont stop. they come at night. and now it is night time. its almost 9 pm. im scared. scared to go to sleep. scared of the dark. scared of everything.

someone make it stop. im afraid to go near the pills. cuz what if i take them all? i feel like i could. its hard to keep going on. its hard not to just give in. i am trying hard. trying to fight it.

butterfly hugs
Loves you,
Emily age 12

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My friend came through for me

My friend rose really came through today for me. I know we’ve had our issues lately but she’s been so supportive and helpful during my hard day today. She told me she’d be my sponsor! Ha I had to laugh at that! She told me Rosie says I need R and R rest and relaxation time and to have my breakfast tomorrow morning and then go right back to bed! I probably wont but we’ll see who knows, I may just do it!
I’m so delighted to have such amazing friends. I really appreciate that she has taken time to text with me today. It means so much to me and I am thankful for friends like her.

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Emily. I still feel awful

it me emily. im still feeling so so bad.
i hate feeling so bad. everything feels just awful.
i hurt all over. mentally, im hurting so much.
i still want to die. i wish i could disappear.
im a burden to everyone. i am not happy. people dont like you when your not happy. they think you are being negative. if i could i would be happy. i’d change how i feel in a heartbeat. but i cant.
i wish i could just shrink into a little speck of nothingness.
i am a nothing and a nobody. that is how i feel.
everything feels so worthless. i feel worthless.
pain is all i feel. emotional pain.
sadness, fear, guilt, shame, all of it, it just, feels awful.
hopefully after talking with eileen tonight i’ll feel better. i hope so. i am happy i get to talk to eileen. that is what is keeping me going right now.
butterfly hugs
loves you,
emily

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Emily, I still feel bad

hhihihihii
it me emily
im still feeling really bad
i dont know when it will pass
my mind feels very full
i feel very scared
i still want to die
i still wish i wasnt here
i did sleep though which is good
i think sleeping helped me
thanks to everyone for all the support
your all so kind to me
i love you all your all the best friends ever
i really feel loved which helps me to keep on going
knowing there are people who care about me really helps
so thank you
im going to try to have a good day
try to do some things that will make me happy
music helped me yesterday
i listened to it for an hour or two
maybe i’ll do some art today
that might be good too
or read a book
i like the secret garden
and i like some others
so maybe i’ll read one of those
i think we are staying home today
i dont think we’re going volunteering
staying home will be good too i think
having a day of having nothing to do is nice
butterfly hugs
loves you,
emily

its me emily. I really want to die!

hhihihihii everybody
its me Emily. I feel so bad.
I don’t want to be here
I don’t want to be alive
I want to end it
I want to go away forever
I am so so scared
scared of my memories
scared of my feelings
scared of the abusers
I want to end it because I feel we’d be better off if I did
i’d be finally happy
happier than I am now
i’d be out of pain
there’d be no more pain no more sadness
we’d be at peace
I cant take it any more I realy cant
I hate myself and I hate my body
I hate how I look
I hate life
I just cant do this
im not going to do anything ok guys
I just feel like I want to
but im safe
I promised Eileen I wouldn’t do anything to the body
and i’ll keep my promise to her
cuz I don’t want to disappoint her
but it don’t stop me feeling like I want to
butterfly hugs
loves you
Emily

Therapy session. Ash talks

hi, im ash, im 18 years old.

im feeling very tired. i had most of our therapy session today. it was good, good but very draining.

we talked a lot about emily and emilys system. for those of you who dont know me I am one of emilys insiders, I am a dark.

I did something that I probably shouldnt have done over the weekend. I responded to an email from a past abuser. I did it for one reason and one reason only. I did it to protect Emily.

She would have hurt herself. She would have tried to commit suicide. She is very suicidal right now, and when the email came in from a past abuser over the weekend it had instructions in it for us to do something bad to the body.

I couldnt let that happen. I couldnt let emily self destruct. I just couldnt. So I pretended I was going to follow through with the instructions. I responded pretending to be Emily, the email was directed at her you see.

I pretended to be her and I managed to get them to quit bugging us. They think we’re probably going to off ourselves. Obviously we’re not though.

So I was only trying to do good. I talked to Eileen about it today. She completely got it. She completely got why I did what I did.

I am glad she wasnt mad that I responded. She said it made total sense to her why I’d do that. Why I’d respond to them. I was protecting emily from harming us.

Now I have to watch Emily closely and make sure she doesnt act on suicidal urges this week. She did make an agreement with eileen that she wouldnt. She also doesnt want to disappoint eileen so that helps that she’s wanting to do it so as not to make eileen feel disappointed in us. Eileen said she wasnt disappointed in us though.

I’m glad. Eileen matters to me. It matters to me that we are here and that we stay alive. So I will do everything in my power to keep us alive if I can!

Ash