im so sad. i realy wanna die. i dont feel i can go on. i feel so sad and my heart is hurting. i just feel so scared and so sad.
i cant take the pressure. everything is so overwhelming. my head hurts. my chest is tight. my heart pounds. my stomach is feeling puky. i feel like im going to be sick. it feels icky.
this is a awful time of year. i remember realy bad things. about rituals. and memories of abuse. and people who hurt us. and did real bad things to us.
the memories wont stop. they come at night. and now it is night time. its almost 9 pm. im scared. scared to go to sleep. scared of the dark. scared of everything.
someone make it stop. im afraid to go near the pills. cuz what if i take them all? i feel like i could. its hard to keep going on. its hard not to just give in. i am trying hard. trying to fight it.
Emily age 12
My friend rose really came through today for me. I know we’ve had our issues lately but she’s been so supportive and helpful during my hard day today. She told me she’d be my sponsor! Ha I had to laugh at that! She told me Rosie says I need R and R rest and relaxation time and to have my breakfast tomorrow morning and then go right back to bed! I probably wont but we’ll see who knows, I may just do it!
I’m so delighted to have such amazing friends. I really appreciate that she has taken time to text with me today. It means so much to me and I am thankful for friends like her.
it me emily. im still feeling so so bad.
i hate feeling so bad. everything feels just awful.
i hurt all over. mentally, im hurting so much.
i still want to die. i wish i could disappear.
im a burden to everyone. i am not happy. people dont like you when your not happy. they think you are being negative. if i could i would be happy. i’d change how i feel in a heartbeat. but i cant.
i wish i could just shrink into a little speck of nothingness.
i am a nothing and a nobody. that is how i feel.
everything feels so worthless. i feel worthless.
pain is all i feel. emotional pain.
sadness, fear, guilt, shame, all of it, it just, feels awful.
hopefully after talking with eileen tonight i’ll feel better. i hope so. i am happy i get to talk to eileen. that is what is keeping me going right now.
it me emily
im still feeling really bad
i dont know when it will pass
my mind feels very full
i feel very scared
i still want to die
i still wish i wasnt here
i did sleep though which is good
i think sleeping helped me
thanks to everyone for all the support
your all so kind to me
i love you all your all the best friends ever
i really feel loved which helps me to keep on going
knowing there are people who care about me really helps
so thank you
im going to try to have a good day
try to do some things that will make me happy
music helped me yesterday
i listened to it for an hour or two
maybe i’ll do some art today
that might be good too
or read a book
i like the secret garden
and i like some others
so maybe i’ll read one of those
i think we are staying home today
i dont think we’re going volunteering
staying home will be good too i think
having a day of having nothing to do is nice
its me Emily. I feel so bad.
I don’t want to be here
I don’t want to be alive
I want to end it
I want to go away forever
I am so so scared
scared of my memories
scared of my feelings
scared of the abusers
I want to end it because I feel we’d be better off if I did
i’d be finally happy
happier than I am now
i’d be out of pain
there’d be no more pain no more sadness
we’d be at peace
I cant take it any more I realy cant
I hate myself and I hate my body
I hate how I look
I hate life
I just cant do this
im not going to do anything ok guys
I just feel like I want to
but im safe
I promised Eileen I wouldn’t do anything to the body
and i’ll keep my promise to her
cuz I don’t want to disappoint her
but it don’t stop me feeling like I want to
hi, im ash, im 18 years old.
im feeling very tired. i had most of our therapy session today. it was good, good but very draining.
we talked a lot about emily and emilys system. for those of you who dont know me I am one of emilys insiders, I am a dark.
I did something that I probably shouldnt have done over the weekend. I responded to an email from a past abuser. I did it for one reason and one reason only. I did it to protect Emily.
She would have hurt herself. She would have tried to commit suicide. She is very suicidal right now, and when the email came in from a past abuser over the weekend it had instructions in it for us to do something bad to the body.
I couldnt let that happen. I couldnt let emily self destruct. I just couldnt. So I pretended I was going to follow through with the instructions. I responded pretending to be Emily, the email was directed at her you see.
I pretended to be her and I managed to get them to quit bugging us. They think we’re probably going to off ourselves. Obviously we’re not though.
So I was only trying to do good. I talked to Eileen about it today. She completely got it. She completely got why I did what I did.
I am glad she wasnt mad that I responded. She said it made total sense to her why I’d do that. Why I’d respond to them. I was protecting emily from harming us.
Now I have to watch Emily closely and make sure she doesnt act on suicidal urges this week. She did make an agreement with eileen that she wouldnt. She also doesnt want to disappoint eileen so that helps that she’s wanting to do it so as not to make eileen feel disappointed in us. Eileen said she wasnt disappointed in us though.
I’m glad. Eileen matters to me. It matters to me that we are here and that we stay alive. So I will do everything in my power to keep us alive if I can!
so I’ve had a bit of a hard evening tonight. My friend has been very depressed and very low lately. For the last few days week even she’s been very down. I’ve been trying to help her through it.
Tonight she texted me at around 7 to say she had overdosed on paracetamol, she said she’d taken 30 tablets. I was so frightened for her, but I stayed calm. At first after she told me I asked her if she was going to ring her daughter who is her next of kin, she said no. So then I asked her if she’d go to the hospital to be seen by psych and she said no to that too.
I told her then that I’d ring an ambulance for her because I was really worried about her. She agreed to let me do this for her. So I rang, that was an experience in itself ringing an ambulance. They asked me a bunch of questions about her and I had to tell them that actually I was ringing from my own house and she wasnt with me. The operator asked me if she had a weapon and if she was violent, if she was conscious and awake, breathing etc. He asked me her age and what she’d taken. Most of what he was asking me I was able to answer. He asked me her sir name but I drew a blank, I could not for the life of me think of it.
I gave him her phone number and he said he was going to call her as soon as he hung up from me, he also said an ambulance was on its way.
I was so relieved! Finally she’d get help! I was so glad she’d texted me. She kept texting until they came and when she got to A and E she let me know she was there and being seen. She was moved to the medical ward a little while ago because there was damage to her liver from the meds. Right now she’s in the medical ward. She’ll be there for a few days I think. Then she’ll probably be transferred to the psych ward.
All I can think is what if I hadnt seen her text right away, sometimes I dont get messages right away if I am doing something or on the phone etc. It was genuinely a hard night for me, ringing the ambulance, talking with her over text, and just generally being there for her, but I am so glad she trusted me enough to confide in me as to what she’d done.