STOCKPILING OUR MEDS

SO TONIGHT AFTER GOING TO SLIMMING WORLD WE WENT TO ABODE TO PICK UP SOME OF OUR STUFF THAT WE’D LEFT THERE. WE ALSO NEEDED TO SIGN SOME FORMS. WHEN WE GOT THERE OUR TUTOR WAS THERE, WHICH WAS VERY SURPRISING TO US. SHE USUALLY GOES HOME AT 3 PM. IT WAS 8:30 PM. SHE ASKED US IF WE HAD A FEW MINUTES SHE SAID SHE NEEDED TO TALK TO US. WE WENT TO HER OFFICE AND THE HEAD NURSE WAS IN THERE. THEY TOLD US THAT WHEN THEY WERE CLEANING OUT OUR ROOM THEY FOUND A HUGE PILE OF MEDS. I WAS SHOCKED! I DONT KNOW WHO WAS STOCKPILING THEM! SOMEONE WAS THOUGH. THEY SAID THERE WAS A LOT OF THEM. AND THEY WERENT SURE WHAT TO DO. WE’D BEEN SELF MEDICATING AND TAKING OUR OWN MEDS. NOW I REALISE THAT MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN THE BEST IDEA. MOST PEOPLE THERE STAFF GIVE THEM THEIR MEDS. SO I WAS HONEST. I TOLD THEM WE HAVE DID AND I TOLD THEM WE STRUGGLE TO TAKE OUR MEDS PROPERLY. THAT THE DISSOCIATION MAKES US FORGET SOMETIMES. OR THAT MAYBE SOMEONE WAS SUICIDAL AND SO STOCKPILING THEM. IT WAS VERY WORRYING AND NOW I NEED TO FIND OUT WHO DID IT IN THE SYSTEM. IM PRETTY SURE IT WAS A DARK. PROBABLY WENDY OR PIXIE. IT WASNT ME ANYWAY, EVEN THOUGH I’VE BEEN PRETTY DOWN. PLANNING SUICIDE IS SOMETHING I HAVENT DONE IN YEARS. SO ANYWAY THEY TOLD ME THEY’D GIVEN THE MEDS OVER TO THE PHARMACY AND RANG MY GP FOR ADVICE. I WASNT HAPPY ABOUT THAT BUT I COULD UNDERSTAND WHY THEY HAD TO DO IT. THEY SAID DUE TO THIS HAPPENING THEY WERE GOING TO LOOK OVER THEIR POLICIES AROUND PEOPLE SELF MEDICATING. THEY SAID THEY WERENT ANNOYED AT ME THAT ACTUALLY I’D DONE THEM A FAVOUR. HOW I DID THEM A FAVOUR I DONT KNOW. MAYBE THEY HADNT UPDATED POLICIES IN A WHILE AND WERENT WORRIED THAT SOMETHING LIKE THIS COULD HAPPEN? I DUNNO. BUT IT CERTAINLY CAME AS A HUGE SHOCK TO ME THAT WE’D BEEN DOING THIS. AND NOW THAT LEAVES US WITH NO MEDS IN OUR SYSTEM. FOR HOW LONG IM NOT SURE. SO IM NOT SURE NOW WHAT TO DO. DR. BARRY WONT BE THRILLED ABOUT THIS. AND NOW WE WONT SEE HER FOR TWO WEEKS. I’M THINKING I MAY RING OUR GP TOMORROW. TALK TO HIM ABOUT THIS AND SEE WHAT HIS TAKE ON IT IS. IT CANT HURT TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT. I NEED TO ALSO CALL AN INTERNAL MEETING. SEE WHOSE SUICIDAL. AND WHY. AND WHAT THEY’D PLANNED ON DOING WITH THE MEDS. I DONT NEED THIS STRESS RIGHT NOW. I COULD DO WITH OUT IT. BUT WELL IT HAPPENED AND SO I NEED TO SORT IT OUT.
LIZ

heavy heart

i feel so down. thoughts of death and not being here any more consume me. i am failing at this thing called life. i feel like such a burden to everyone. i feel like i am a complete and utter failure. i just feel defeated, defective, broken, and it makes me feel like i dont want to be here any more. could use some support right about now.

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suicidal

the thoughts in my head
i want to be dead
it would be best for those around me
and i could finally be free
free from pain
and from slowly going insane
death would be welcome
its calling my name
pulling me closer
sucking me in
my head starts to spin
where do i begin?

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grappling with horrible thoughts

its late. and i’ve been thinking. and i hate when i start to think, because my mind starts going in a lot of directions. i start going to dark places, thinking dark thoughts.
tonight i’ve been thinking about all the suicide attempts I’ve had in the past. and how none of them ever worked. then i start to wonder, why? was there a reason? was I just lucky?
sometimes I am glad they never worked. on my good days I am so glad. but on my bad days I just want an end to the pain, no matter what I have to do to achieve it.
its hard living with anxiety and depression, its hard to go through each day faking happiness. smiling when inside your actually dying.
some nights here nitro is my reason for holding on. i love him and i would never ever want him to be left all alone. he wouldnt understand, and so i bring him to me and we cuddle and i snuggle into his soft fur and will myself to hold on for just another day.

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in need of some support

this is jade. we are very very suicidal. actually, emily is very very suicidal. she almost overdosed. i am scared. we’re alone, and have means to end it. trying desperately to do everything we can to manage this. manage the feelings. distract. cope. its all very well saying all that. doing it is another thing. just the feelings have overwhelmed us, memories have overwhelmed emily. she is unstable aned frightened and irrational. the scary thing is she could if she chose to block all of us and take the pills, without any of us knowing. she has that sort of power. right now i’m watching her like a hawk. i’m not letting her out of my sight. if anyones around if you have some time maybe we could talk?
jade and emily

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Poem on suicide

sometimes i have trouble seeing the good in the world
i know it must be there somewhere but its blocked from my view
and in those times when its blocked i feel suffocated by the hurt and pain inside me
i feel like i cant walk another step, or look around one more corner trying to find the light
in these dark times reason doesnt come to me, and love does not get thru
i am truly alone in my agony
it is in these times that i feel most vulnerable to dark thoughts and ideas
an end to the pain and suffering, no matter what it is i have to do to achieve it, is appealing
an end, just an end to it, starts to seem like it is the good in the world
suddenly what is irrational, dark, cruel even, seems light and full of hope to me
suicide is seductive, it makes its way into my life like a savior
it promises me the things that i want, rest, silence, final peace
and it speaks nothing of the pain that i would leave behind for others to pick up
it doesnt tell me about right and wrong, good and bad, or fairness to those i love
and in the dark times when i cannot feel the love, i cannot seem to recall it either
i feel like, in these times, i chase a forbidden fruit, a poison apple
and i can taste its bitterness even though i have not yet swallowed
the bites ive taken