grappling with horrible thoughts

its late. and i’ve been thinking. and i hate when i start to think, because my mind starts going in a lot of directions. i start going to dark places, thinking dark thoughts.
tonight i’ve been thinking about all the suicide attempts I’ve had in the past. and how none of them ever worked. then i start to wonder, why? was there a reason? was I just lucky?
sometimes I am glad they never worked. on my good days I am so glad. but on my bad days I just want an end to the pain, no matter what I have to do to achieve it.
its hard living with anxiety and depression, its hard to go through each day faking happiness. smiling when inside your actually dying.
some nights here nitro is my reason for holding on. i love him and i would never ever want him to be left all alone. he wouldnt understand, and so i bring him to me and we cuddle and i snuggle into his soft fur and will myself to hold on for just another day.

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in need of some support

this is jade. we are very very suicidal. actually, emily is very very suicidal. she almost overdosed. i am scared. we’re alone, and have means to end it. trying desperately to do everything we can to manage this. manage the feelings. distract. cope. its all very well saying all that. doing it is another thing. just the feelings have overwhelmed us, memories have overwhelmed emily. she is unstable aned frightened and irrational. the scary thing is she could if she chose to block all of us and take the pills, without any of us knowing. she has that sort of power. right now i’m watching her like a hawk. i’m not letting her out of my sight. if anyones around if you have some time maybe we could talk?
jade and emily

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Poem on suicide

sometimes i have trouble seeing the good in the world
i know it must be there somewhere but its blocked from my view
and in those times when its blocked i feel suffocated by the hurt and pain inside me
i feel like i cant walk another step, or look around one more corner trying to find the light
in these dark times reason doesnt come to me, and love does not get thru
i am truly alone in my agony
it is in these times that i feel most vulnerable to dark thoughts and ideas
an end to the pain and suffering, no matter what it is i have to do to achieve it, is appealing
an end, just an end to it, starts to seem like it is the good in the world
suddenly what is irrational, dark, cruel even, seems light and full of hope to me
suicide is seductive, it makes its way into my life like a savior
it promises me the things that i want, rest, silence, final peace
and it speaks nothing of the pain that i would leave behind for others to pick up
it doesnt tell me about right and wrong, good and bad, or fairness to those i love
and in the dark times when i cannot feel the love, i cannot seem to recall it either
i feel like, in these times, i chase a forbidden fruit, a poison apple
and i can taste its bitterness even though i have not yet swallowed
the bites ive taken

not feeling too good

I feel intense fear right now. The suicidal thoughts are back. As my thoughts swirl and spin and my mind races, I try to think clearly but I cant. I hate this feeling and would do almost anything to feel better. I feel like I am a huge burden to everyone. Everything feels wrong and I think I’d be better off dead.

doctor barry appointment 18th May 2016

saw dr. barry yesterday afternoon. we had a long wait before we got to see her. the clinic was very busy yesterday. eventually when we went in and sat down we were feeling anxious and found it hard to get words out. she noticed and encouraged us by asking some questions. she always knows when we’re struggling, and she is always able to get us to talk. i was so anxious that i even forgot to tell her it was me carol anne speaking to her. it didnt matter though, she already knew it was me. she knows me too well and knows my quirks and stuff. i told her how depressed i felt. i told her iw as finding it hard to cope with eileen being gone. she asked me what i’d done the day of our therapy session, i told her i had reflected on recent work we’d done and read and reread an email eileen had sent me before she went on holiday. basically the email said she had faith in us to get through the week, and that she believed we were all important in the system, that each of us has a role to fulfil and we all matter. it helped to read those words. i told dr. barry that i was finding it hard, and i was thinking it was because both her and eileen were away back to back. there was a week in between where they were both here but having them be away so close together was hard on us. we talked about suicidal urges some insiders had been having. i said it frightened me when i came back one evening last week to find all of our meds spread out on the table ready to be taken. i know one of the insiders in liz’s system was feeling intensely suicidal last week so i am assuming it was her who was making a plan and trying to take an overdose. i said how we hadnt been in hospital for overdosing or suicidal stuff in a long time, dr. barry said she thought it was 2014. i said how i didnt want to go there again. she said how she thought we’d really come a long way since then, grown a lot, changed, and we were able to manage those feelings much better now, we coped much better with them. i agreed. we talked about college, i had told her last time that amy was helping me with some of the work. this week though i am doing the work alone. i didnt go to college on tuesday, i couldnt get out of bed. i just felt too depressed and unmotivated and i didnt want to do anything or talk to anyone. thats the second time that this sorta thing has happened to me in the space of two weeks. i’m not sure but i think it might be another insider influencing me and their mood is filtering through to me. i hate when that happens. alicia was going to talk to dr. barry but then there wasnt enough time. maybe next week she can. dr. barry told us she wouldnt be able to see us on june 8th, because she has to go to court and she will be there all day that day. at least she gave us 3 weeks notice. we also asked her for a copy of the police report she did up, and she said she’s out of the office today thursday but that she’d have her secretary email it to us on friday afternoon. once i get it i will be posting it to the blog, passworded of course. so if anyone who doesnt have the password would like to read it then you can comment here with your email address and i will email it to you. it was a good appointment though. i was exhausted after it. i think it was the fact that i’d been up since 5 AM that morning and I didnt get home until after six in the evening.