Poem-dissociation

gingerly my fingers move
i’m afraid to make a sound
my body trembles and shakes
i think i’ll fall to the ground
as i type i’m aware
of anxiety and triggers
slowly it gets worse
as my body shivers
i open my mouth
but no sound comes out
vulnerable and weak
i let my breath out
try as i might
to call out for help
none comes
and i say to myself
this too shalll pass
my therapists words
i replay and replay them
as my mind starts to blurr
i start to dissociate
and my head spins
i try to remind myself
i’m safe, and its safe to feel

Deliberating

i’m deliberating as to whether i’ll send eileen an email or not. i want to. i am really missing her today. it would be so easy to just write a quick note just to say hi and i miss you and i need you. then there is the part of me that is saying i can do this. i can get through this without contact. this too shall pass. those are eileens words, that is her mantra. this too shall pass. yes i miss her but that is ok. i can miss her and need her but not contact her. little insiders want to text her and tell her about their christmas presents and the movies they watched. i have said no that they cant do that. they’ve cried and called me mean and said how unfair i am being. but for right now we are not going to write any email or send any texts. we are just going to try to muddle through this time. we will be seeing dr barry on wednesday morning. that is enough. we are capable of getting through this. we are strong. we are strong and capable and we will not fall apart or crumble because of our attachment issues and our feelings.