stupid dumb poem by allie

slowly ticks the clock
the sound seems to mock
we’d go to bed but we forgot
memories make our brain rot
sun down to sun up we sit
thinking and thinking on it
the moon peaking in
reminds us of blood and sin
nightly torture deep in the past
so many years ago.. but it lasts
no way to shut off our mind
so day after day you’ll find
insomnia

allie

MY TEXT CONVO WITH MY THERAPIST

HI ITS LIZ. YESTERDAY I HAD THIS TEXT CONVO WITH EILEEN. I WAS FEELING VULNERABLE AND DECIDED TO TEXT HER AND TELL HER. HERE IS THE CONVO.
ME: EILEEN, THIS IS LIZ, YESTERDAY WAS FRIDAY THE 13TH, THATS A CULT HOLIDAY AND WE WERE VERY TRIGGERED AND AFRAID THAT PEOPLE WOULD ACCESS US. I DIDNT LET ANYONE OUT LAST NIGHT. WE DIDNT GO OUT ALONE OR WITH PEOPLE WE DIDNT KNOW. WE WERE AT HOME LAST NIGHT AND WE WERE SAFE. I TOOK US OFF TO BED EARLY. I WAS GOING TO TEXT YOU BUT THEN I DIDNT BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO BOTHER YOU. I AM FEELING VERY VULNERABLE THIS MORNING, LIKE A REALLY YOUNG PART IS AROUND.
EILEEN: I AM SORRY LIZ THAT I AM NOT IN A POSITION TO TALK FOR A WHILE BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU DID VERY WELL LAST NIGHT. I REALLY DO GET THE VULNERABILITY AND AT THESE TIMES IT IS JUST ABOUT BEING SAFE YOU ARE DOING GREAT TO JUST BE ABLE TO NAME IT AND HOLD IT, AND NOT HAVE TO MUCH EXPECTATIONS OF YOURSELF OR THINK IT SHOULD BE ANY OTHER WAY.
ME: THATS OK EILEEN. I KNOW YOUR BUSY. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, SO THAT YOUR IN THE PICTURE YOU KNOW? IF WE ARE NOT ABLE TO HAVE A SESSION THIS WEEK CAN WE CHECK IN A COUPLE OF TIMES ON THE PHONE?
EILEEN: OF COURSE. WE WILL BE IN TOUCH ON MONDAY. TAKE GOOD CARE.

ITS SO GOOD TO KNOW I HAVE A THERAPIST WHO GETS IT AND REALLY GETS ME AND CARES ABOUT ME. I FEEL VERY LUCKY. I KNOW SHE IS THERE FOR ME NO MATTER WHAT. SOMETHING IS GOING RIGHT FOR ME, I HAVE EILEEN, I HAVE HER SUPPORT.

LIZ

IM COPING EVEN AFTER FEELING SUICIDAL

SO I FELT SO CRAPPY LAST NIGHT. I FELT SUICIDAL AND FELT LIKE ENDING IT. ALL OF YOU HAVE BEEN SO SUPPORTIVE TO ME. I REALLY APPRECIATE IT VERY MUCH. YOUR ALL GREAT! NOT LONG AFTER WRITING THE POST WHERE I SAID I FELT LIKE ENDING IT I WENT TO BED. AND I SLEPT FOR HOURS. SO THEN I WOKE AT LIKE 1 AM AND COULDNT GET BACK TO SLEEP FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT. BUT THE SUICIDAL URGES HAD PASSED. I THINK SOME OF IT MIGHT BE BECAUSE TODAY IS THE START OF SATANIC NEW YEAR, AND THATS A HUGE TRIGGER FOR ME. BECAUSE I AM A SRA SURVIVOR.
I HAD A REALLY PRODUCTIVE MORNING. I AM AT THE BASEMENT CLUB. I DID MY VOLUNTEERING AND GOT LOTS OF WORK DONE. I DO DATA ENTRY AND WRITE A NEWSLETTER EACH MONTH AS WELL AS ANSWERING THE PHONES. TODAY I WROTE THE JANUARY NEWSLETTER. I ALSO DID ALL OF THE SIGN IN SHEETS SINCE THE START OF JANUARY. I FEEL GOOD. ITS GOOD TO BE PRODUCTIVE. AT LEAST IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF THAT I CAN GIVE BACK TO THE COMMUNITY. IT ALSO MAKES ME FEEL WORTHWHILE.
CORA

winter solstace feeling triggered

i’m feeling very triggered. today is the winter solstace. its a really hard day for us. emotionally we are very unstable. lots of flashbacks and memories of ritual abuse as a kid. thank goodness I’m seeing dr. barry. I plan on talking to her about things. She’s very understanding about the ritual abuse and she really gets it. I didnt sleep very well but I face timed with my friend sarah so that was good and helped me distract. I’m just feeling very triggered right now. Could use some support if anyones around.

poem Dark and light triggers ritual abuse

i have light and dark inside of me

split into two now we are three

they argue all day and night

it gives me a headache when they fight

the light boy is called bay

and he wants things to stay

as they are now, killing no more

he asks, what are we fighting for

the dark boy cypress he is called

thinks that we are just stalled

he wants to kill again and again

he thinks its not the end but where we begin

constantly the two fight over this

and not a word of it do i miss

i wish they would stop arguing and make amends

just stop fighting and become friends

but if they can’t do it right now

i hope bay wins somehow

sage

Do you believe in SRA, well its real!

Hi, I’d like to start by saying, I am a SRA survivor. SRA is real. Very very real. It happens all over the world. And it happened to me too. For 9 years I was part of a cult. A satanic cult. The cult was connected to the school I was in, a school for the blind. For years, we were abused. On a daily basis. We were taken to rituals by night. We were subjected to cruelty, torture, evil, pure evil. It was hell. But I survived. I am here, I survived it. There must have been a reason that I did. A reason my story needs to be told. I’m still trying to work out what that reason is.
This weekend is hard for many survivors. Halloween is one of the worst times of the year for SRA survivors. The cult really up the anti at halloween. They perform horrible rituals. Some of which leave animals and humans dead. They take all the fun and goodness out of halloween. Costumes, decorations, etc all become triggers.
Even now, years later, they still trigger me. Its all I can do this weekend to paint my face and dress up for the fun of it. But I am determined to do it. I am reclaiming the holiday if its the last thing I do. I am entitled to do it, for myself, but most importantly for the little parts of me whose childhood was so cruelly taken from them.
Will you help me? If you have any supportive messages that you think might help, I’d really appreciate them, and I think the child alters in our system would too.