Todays #whatif prompt over at what if we all care is…deep into the woods.
Since today is the summer solstace and a very hard day for us due to us being ritual abuse survivors, I thought we could write a poem encorporating the prompt.
deep into the woods we go
what will happen we just dont know
anything is likely
things you’d never endure
they’d shock you
bring you to your knees
abuse, torture, awful awful memories
child porn, rape and sexual abuse
all part of rituals
that we had to take part in
even though we were just kids
never given a choice
it was just do it now
or you’ll end up dead
and on this date
we are always so terrified
and very scared
LIZ HERE. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE NEW TO OUR BLOG, OR NEW TO KNOWING SOMEONE WITH DID, I WILL EXPLAIN SOMETHING HERE ABOUT US, WE ARE A SRA SURVIVOR, SRA STANDS FOR SATANIC RITUALISTIC ABUSE.
WE WENT THROUGH SRA FOR 12 YEARS. FROM THE TIME WE WERE 5 YEARS OLD UNTIL WE WERE 17.
WE WERE PART OF A CULT, AND IT WAS EXTREMELY BRUTAL AND TRAUMATISING.
SO ON MAY 1ST, ITS BELTANE. A SRA HOLIDAY. AND WE ARE EXTREMELY SCARED OF ALL SRA HOLIDAYS. TRIGGERED BY THEM TOO.
I’VE NOTICED I HAVE BEEN GETTING A TON OF MEMORIES BACK LATELY ABOUT THE SRA. MEMORIES I DIDNT EVEN KNOW ABOUT. MEMORIES I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO PROCESS UNSUCCESSFULLY.
SO TOMORROW WHEN I GO TO THERAPY I AM GOING TO TALK TO EILEEN ABOUT THEM. MAYBE NOT PROCESS ANY BECAUSE WE ARENT DOING ANY PROCESSING RIGHT NOW, BUT EVEN TO JUST SIMPLY TALK ABOUT THE SRA TRIGGERS WILL BE GOOD I THINK.
I THINK I WILL BENEFIT FROM DOING THAT.
I’M FED UP OF NIGHTS OF NO SLEEP, FLASHBACKS, MEMORIES, AND BEING TRIGGERED.
ITS NO FUN AND REALLY JUST FUCKING SUCKS.
I AM SO AFRAID. AFRAID TO SLEEP. AFRAID OF HAVING NIGHTMARES. TONIGHT IS A BAD NIGHT. SOME OF YOU MIGHT KNOW WE ARE SRA SURVIVORS, RITUAL ABUSE SURVIVORS. WELL THERE IS AN ECLIPSE, AND A BAD DATE TODAY TOO FOR RITUAL ABUSE SURVIVORS. LOTS OF CHAOS INSIDE. LOTS OF SCREAMING AND CRYING. LOTS OF FEAR. LOTS OF OVERWHELM. EMOTIONAL OVERLOAD. ITS JUST SO HARD. I WANT TO CUT SO BAD RIGHT NOW. I JUST FEEL LIKE GOING IN THE BATHROOM AND BREAKING THE MIRROR AND CUTTING.
YES. I’VE STARTED TO CALL THAT FUCKING DATE THAT HAPPENS THIS COMING TUESDAY HELLOWEEN, BECAUSE HELL IS WHAT WE WENT THROUGH ON THAT DATE FOR YEARS. WE ARE DREADING IT. LUCKILY FOR US WE HAVE THERAPY ON TUESDAY, WHICH IS GOOD, WE’LL NEED IT. THE KIDS ARE FREAKED OUT. HELL I AM EVEN FREAKED OUT. IT IS NOT GOOD. AND ITS EVERYWHERE. IN THE STORES. IN PEOPLES HOUSES WHAT WITH DECORATIONS AND COSTUMES AND STUFF. ITS SO COMMERCIALISED NOWADAYS. I JUST HOPE WE CAN GET THROUGH IT WITHOUT BECOMING A HOT MESS.
slowly ticks the clock
the sound seems to mock
we’d go to bed but we forgot
memories make our brain rot
sun down to sun up we sit
thinking and thinking on it
the moon peaking in
reminds us of blood and sin
nightly torture deep in the past
so many years ago.. but it lasts
no way to shut off our mind
so day after day you’ll find
HI ITS LIZ. YESTERDAY I HAD THIS TEXT CONVO WITH EILEEN. I WAS FEELING VULNERABLE AND DECIDED TO TEXT HER AND TELL HER. HERE IS THE CONVO.
ME: EILEEN, THIS IS LIZ, YESTERDAY WAS FRIDAY THE 13TH, THATS A CULT HOLIDAY AND WE WERE VERY TRIGGERED AND AFRAID THAT PEOPLE WOULD ACCESS US. I DIDNT LET ANYONE OUT LAST NIGHT. WE DIDNT GO OUT ALONE OR WITH PEOPLE WE DIDNT KNOW. WE WERE AT HOME LAST NIGHT AND WE WERE SAFE. I TOOK US OFF TO BED EARLY. I WAS GOING TO TEXT YOU BUT THEN I DIDNT BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO BOTHER YOU. I AM FEELING VERY VULNERABLE THIS MORNING, LIKE A REALLY YOUNG PART IS AROUND.
EILEEN: I AM SORRY LIZ THAT I AM NOT IN A POSITION TO TALK FOR A WHILE BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU DID VERY WELL LAST NIGHT. I REALLY DO GET THE VULNERABILITY AND AT THESE TIMES IT IS JUST ABOUT BEING SAFE YOU ARE DOING GREAT TO JUST BE ABLE TO NAME IT AND HOLD IT, AND NOT HAVE TO MUCH EXPECTATIONS OF YOURSELF OR THINK IT SHOULD BE ANY OTHER WAY.
ME: THATS OK EILEEN. I KNOW YOUR BUSY. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, SO THAT YOUR IN THE PICTURE YOU KNOW? IF WE ARE NOT ABLE TO HAVE A SESSION THIS WEEK CAN WE CHECK IN A COUPLE OF TIMES ON THE PHONE?
EILEEN: OF COURSE. WE WILL BE IN TOUCH ON MONDAY. TAKE GOOD CARE.
ITS SO GOOD TO KNOW I HAVE A THERAPIST WHO GETS IT AND REALLY GETS ME AND CARES ABOUT ME. I FEEL VERY LUCKY. I KNOW SHE IS THERE FOR ME NO MATTER WHAT. SOMETHING IS GOING RIGHT FOR ME, I HAVE EILEEN, I HAVE HER SUPPORT.