I AM SO AFRAID. AFRAID TO SLEEP. AFRAID OF HAVING NIGHTMARES. TONIGHT IS A BAD NIGHT. SOME OF YOU MIGHT KNOW WE ARE SRA SURVIVORS, RITUAL ABUSE SURVIVORS. WELL THERE IS AN ECLIPSE, AND A BAD DATE TODAY TOO FOR RITUAL ABUSE SURVIVORS. LOTS OF CHAOS INSIDE. LOTS OF SCREAMING AND CRYING. LOTS OF FEAR. LOTS OF OVERWHELM. EMOTIONAL OVERLOAD. ITS JUST SO HARD. I WANT TO CUT SO BAD RIGHT NOW. I JUST FEEL LIKE GOING IN THE BATHROOM AND BREAKING THE MIRROR AND CUTTING.
YES. I’VE STARTED TO CALL THAT FUCKING DATE THAT HAPPENS THIS COMING TUESDAY HELLOWEEN, BECAUSE HELL IS WHAT WE WENT THROUGH ON THAT DATE FOR YEARS. WE ARE DREADING IT. LUCKILY FOR US WE HAVE THERAPY ON TUESDAY, WHICH IS GOOD, WE’LL NEED IT. THE KIDS ARE FREAKED OUT. HELL I AM EVEN FREAKED OUT. IT IS NOT GOOD. AND ITS EVERYWHERE. IN THE STORES. IN PEOPLES HOUSES WHAT WITH DECORATIONS AND COSTUMES AND STUFF. ITS SO COMMERCIALISED NOWADAYS. I JUST HOPE WE CAN GET THROUGH IT WITHOUT BECOMING A HOT MESS.
slowly ticks the clock
the sound seems to mock
we’d go to bed but we forgot
memories make our brain rot
sun down to sun up we sit
thinking and thinking on it
the moon peaking in
reminds us of blood and sin
nightly torture deep in the past
so many years ago.. but it lasts
no way to shut off our mind
so day after day you’ll find
HI ITS LIZ. YESTERDAY I HAD THIS TEXT CONVO WITH EILEEN. I WAS FEELING VULNERABLE AND DECIDED TO TEXT HER AND TELL HER. HERE IS THE CONVO.
ME: EILEEN, THIS IS LIZ, YESTERDAY WAS FRIDAY THE 13TH, THATS A CULT HOLIDAY AND WE WERE VERY TRIGGERED AND AFRAID THAT PEOPLE WOULD ACCESS US. I DIDNT LET ANYONE OUT LAST NIGHT. WE DIDNT GO OUT ALONE OR WITH PEOPLE WE DIDNT KNOW. WE WERE AT HOME LAST NIGHT AND WE WERE SAFE. I TOOK US OFF TO BED EARLY. I WAS GOING TO TEXT YOU BUT THEN I DIDNT BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO BOTHER YOU. I AM FEELING VERY VULNERABLE THIS MORNING, LIKE A REALLY YOUNG PART IS AROUND.
EILEEN: I AM SORRY LIZ THAT I AM NOT IN A POSITION TO TALK FOR A WHILE BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU DID VERY WELL LAST NIGHT. I REALLY DO GET THE VULNERABILITY AND AT THESE TIMES IT IS JUST ABOUT BEING SAFE YOU ARE DOING GREAT TO JUST BE ABLE TO NAME IT AND HOLD IT, AND NOT HAVE TO MUCH EXPECTATIONS OF YOURSELF OR THINK IT SHOULD BE ANY OTHER WAY.
ME: THATS OK EILEEN. I KNOW YOUR BUSY. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, SO THAT YOUR IN THE PICTURE YOU KNOW? IF WE ARE NOT ABLE TO HAVE A SESSION THIS WEEK CAN WE CHECK IN A COUPLE OF TIMES ON THE PHONE?
EILEEN: OF COURSE. WE WILL BE IN TOUCH ON MONDAY. TAKE GOOD CARE.
ITS SO GOOD TO KNOW I HAVE A THERAPIST WHO GETS IT AND REALLY GETS ME AND CARES ABOUT ME. I FEEL VERY LUCKY. I KNOW SHE IS THERE FOR ME NO MATTER WHAT. SOMETHING IS GOING RIGHT FOR ME, I HAVE EILEEN, I HAVE HER SUPPORT.
SO I FELT SO CRAPPY LAST NIGHT. I FELT SUICIDAL AND FELT LIKE ENDING IT. ALL OF YOU HAVE BEEN SO SUPPORTIVE TO ME. I REALLY APPRECIATE IT VERY MUCH. YOUR ALL GREAT! NOT LONG AFTER WRITING THE POST WHERE I SAID I FELT LIKE ENDING IT I WENT TO BED. AND I SLEPT FOR HOURS. SO THEN I WOKE AT LIKE 1 AM AND COULDNT GET BACK TO SLEEP FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT. BUT THE SUICIDAL URGES HAD PASSED. I THINK SOME OF IT MIGHT BE BECAUSE TODAY IS THE START OF SATANIC NEW YEAR, AND THATS A HUGE TRIGGER FOR ME. BECAUSE I AM A SRA SURVIVOR.
I HAD A REALLY PRODUCTIVE MORNING. I AM AT THE BASEMENT CLUB. I DID MY VOLUNTEERING AND GOT LOTS OF WORK DONE. I DO DATA ENTRY AND WRITE A NEWSLETTER EACH MONTH AS WELL AS ANSWERING THE PHONES. TODAY I WROTE THE JANUARY NEWSLETTER. I ALSO DID ALL OF THE SIGN IN SHEETS SINCE THE START OF JANUARY. I FEEL GOOD. ITS GOOD TO BE PRODUCTIVE. AT LEAST IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF THAT I CAN GIVE BACK TO THE COMMUNITY. IT ALSO MAKES ME FEEL WORTHWHILE.
i’m feeling very triggered. today is the winter solstace. its a really hard day for us. emotionally we are very unstable. lots of flashbacks and memories of ritual abuse as a kid. thank goodness I’m seeing dr. barry. I plan on talking to her about things. She’s very understanding about the ritual abuse and she really gets it. I didnt sleep very well but I face timed with my friend sarah so that was good and helped me distract. I’m just feeling very triggered right now. Could use some support if anyones around.