Krista: I feel so much shame

its krista. in case you all don’t remember, i’m 11 years old.
right now I feel so so bad. my head hurts so much.
ive been out for a while, and I am trying not to go on the internet, and go into chatrooms. I know I shouldn’t do it. I really wish I didn’t think about sex so much.
I really don’t want to think about it. but it happens. I do. I feel so ashamed. I feel terrible and so bad about myself!
why cant I feel good about my body? why do I hate it so much?
I didn’t ask to be hurt! men hurt me and I didn’t want it!
but they didn’t care! they didn’t care how I felt or what happened to me!
they just wanted to do what they were doing and it didn’t matter how I felt.
it hurts! I am feeling so much shame about what they did!
I also feel ashamed about the fact that I still let people do things to me sexually even if its just on the internet!
why cant I be more like my twin kira! she would never talk about sex or do sexual stuff with anyone!
Eileen said kira had me to protect her and she depended on me and I was the one who was outspoken and kira wasn’t and so now she’s shy and timid and afraid and I am not and she said how it was very creative for us to split like we did!
I am so glad I will see Eileen tomorrow!
I need to talk to her so bad!
right now I am going to try to do something other than go in a chatroom! maybe I can find a good tv show or listen to some music!
is anyone around? if you are maybe you’d leave me a nice comment!
thanks guys! ❤ ❤

krista age 11

Guest post From Alex, personal narrative, triggers talks of childhood abuse and neglect!

Alex, evolution of self, has very kindly offered to guest post on my blog! He has written a personal narrative about his childhood experiences growing up with abusive parents! Here is his story!

Alex you’ve been very courageous in telling it!

I am so glad you survived and are a fighter!

**********

I would like to start by introducing myself

Hi I am Alex

Many have grown up with mesmerizing moments from their childhood had two loving parents”

I was not one of those: starting from the aged of 9 until I was 16, I was subjected to horrific physical brutality from my biological mother whom we will refer to “it”

its level of hatred was cast onto me because of how much I reminded it of my Father. When my Father was home I never had a need to fear or think I was walking on shattered glass.

I also understood what he was doing was rid of the world of Nemesis so when he would leave on an assignment I been asked why I didn’t tell my Father? and I was told by “it” if I did she would inform his C.O that he was doing things to me” and in the Armed Forces that is a Death sentence. I would be left in clutches of Mommy dearest and its twisted sadistic desires and pleasures. Many times it would be an unbearable and fucking nightmare a lot where I endured was in what I called the “Basement of Secrets” I would be forcefully confined to a chair and whipped for hours with black licorice. There were times I wouldn’t be allowed to go to school because I would be healing from the beatings and welts. At a very young age, I learned and embrace the darkness as my numbing solace and was welcomed with open arms.

I had a mate of mine who’s alcoholic Father was abusing him physically I gave him pat on the back and he yelled ouch. had a massive bruise on his lower back…so I thought if they believe him why not me?

So I reached out with desperation to be resurrected from that living hell and was laughed and mocked at because what I was telling them was so surreal.

Many mornings I would wake up having knives throwing at my feet or cans frozen juice whipped at me to see my reflexes.

That night I strongly believe and cringed in paralyzing fear that I would not see the Sunrise again. After being crushed and losing all hope that others would help me. I knew if I was going to survive this fucking living Hell it would be because of (ME)

Ironic thing and fucked up one is the person who was sexually abusing me saw me more as a human being …I guess I choose the lesser of two evils.

So THEM that tried to break me, ripped me into never was ‘thought they could extinguish my Life

Though fucking wrong yes you laid waste and wreak havoc all over my body and mind with scars even though I still breathe I have been shattered into pieces.

I was always taught by my Father that no matter what keep going but last December before Christmas I was not myself I would put on a smile and act like I was fine but far far from it.

Never in million yrs did I think what was going on with me would this. I also didn’t know there was a more voracious and vicious bastard to PTSD but I do know now” I live with it every day as a constant reminder by Roller Coaster I ride.

Thank you for listening to My Story if you know anyone that is struggling never let them think they are lashing out in silent terror.

From Krista, discussing sexual abuse and acting out sexually

its krista. im 11 years old.
i got to talk in therapy yesterday. that was nice. even tho the stuff i had to talk about wasnt nice. it was hard to talk about it.it was so scary.
but im glad eileen is so nice. she is kind. she makes it easy to talk to her.
i was talking about how i felt. that people only see my behaviour. they dont see me, they dont even like me. the adults in my system are afraid, they wont let the younger kids near me. thats cuz i act out. in a sexual way. but i dont want to be doing that. i just cant help myself.
its cuz stuff happened to me. people hurt me. in dublin. they did awful things to me. and i learned about sex. and now i sometimes act out in a sexual way. it makes me feel good about my body. cuz mostly i hate my body. but eileen said maybe i can learn new ways of being. and that it is my body, and i dont need to offer it to anyone, that maybe there is other things that i can offer instead. that i am not only what happened to me. that i am more than that.
she said the shame i feel about it is totally understandable. but that it isnt my shame. its the abusers shame to carry, not mine. but that is going to take a lot of work for me to learn that and that she is here and we can do this work together. i am glad she is here. she is helping me to learn new things about myself and i am happy about that.
she also said she cares about me but that she doesnt want me to do anything or for me to feel i have to do something for her in return for her care. she said she just wants to care about me because she likes me. she also said she doesnt judge me. she said there is no judgement on her part whatsoever.
i told her that when I am out sometimes I go online and go into chatrooms and start talking to people in a sexual way. i cant help it. She said that is the complexities of sexual abuse and of being abused. It makes us do things sometimes that people who havent been abused would never ever do.
its good to know im not weird or disgusting or gross or anything like that. im glad we talked about this stuff. eileen said we’d talk some more next time about all this. in the meantime i can text or email her and i also have rain, one of the dark adults supporting me. rain is really calm and she is nice and she offered to support me. i’d prefer to be with eileen but i’ll let rain be there for me too since she offered. i love spending time with eileen though. but eileen told me to let rain comfort me at home, and i can spend time with her in the therapy room.
its been good to get this stuff out. its nice to be able to allow eileen in a little. i never spoke about this stuff before to anyone. i’ve never ever told another person. im glad im telling eileen now. im glad to have her support.

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to my abuser, You were so wicked

wicked…
thats you in a nutshell
there was nothing nice about you
what you did
was steal innocence
steal childrens childhoods
without even a second thought
Wicked…
Pure evil
Thats you
Untruthful
Horrid, vile
with no love to give
even though
your job was to care
your job was to take care of kids
but did you?
oh no
all you did was use
abuse
and throw kids away
as if we were
rubbish, trash
Yesterdays news
One day, soon
You’ll pay
and I will be there
Looking on
with glee
Wicked to the core
thats you

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/09/03/wicked/

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Could hav been

i could have been beautiful
but you spattered me with blood
i might have been graceful
but you knocked me into the mud

i could have been courageous
but you crumpled me into a ball
i might have been brave
but you made me feel so small

i could have been intelegent
but you taught me not to try
i might have been brilliant
but you told me the truth is a lie

i could have been trusting
but your promises lay broken
i might have been confiding
but you taught me to leave everything unspoken

i could have been independent
but you left so many needs unfilled
i might of been self-reliant
but you made it so i couldn’t rebuild

i could have been whole
but you tore me all apart
i might have been so much more
but you destroyed my growing heart

c2006

This is a poem about my experiences of being a child abuse survivor, this was written to my abusers.

Flashbacks

they are color and sound and smell,
they are feelings
everything but words
and no way of dealing
how can i understand this?
was it something bad that’s spinning
why does all this come back
i can’t make sense of the beginning
a world of crazy swirls
where is my voice, before i had one
i cant find the way to talk about
all that needs to be said about what was done
how can i express pain?
when all i know is what’s inside
the tears come, but i cannot tell you
why, even after i’ve cried
am i locked in this place?
stuck in the past with no way of escape
will i always wonder how to describe
all the things that took shape

Written by an alter
Jessa, age 13
c2006