Judgement day

i want to hurt myself

and tell the world you did it

i want to scream, im in pain

but i never could admit it

i want to take all the hate

you put into my heart

i want to write it all on paper

and rip it all apart

i want to look at you with disgust

the way you looked at me

i want to hold up a mirror

so you can see what i had to see

i want to go back in time

and put up quite a fight

i want to be the one to win

but you keep me caged in fright

i want to be the one in control

and watch you shrink to the floor

i want to keep on hurting you

long after you scream no more

i want to watch you as a child

helpless and alone

i want to make you know

all the troubles that ive known

i want to make you yearn

for a love youll never get

i want to watch you run

into arms that pose a threat

i want to make you keep secrets

that made me go inside

i want to make you create

the only ones in whom you can confide

i want to take just one day

when our roles could be reversed

i want to make you hold the pain

and know that its the worst

i want to know that you understand

what your actions have done

i want to insure that in the future

your behaviors effect none

i want to warn the world

all youre capable of

i want to ban you from showing

your insincere kind of love

i want to but i cant

and theres only one thing to say

i want to let you know

everyone has a judgement day

Poetry, survival

Ice cold and numb to the bone

Trying to survive this all alone

Flashes of fright before my eyes

Cant get away from the bad guys

Seizing me in my dreams at night

I am unable even then to take flight

My response always seems the same

Inflicting pain, accepting the shame

I cant believe that I had no control then

I place my thoughts on the should have been

Why did I not once fight back, i wonder

Anger inside like rolling thunder

For all that happened I must blame me

Fault is placed on who its got to be

They are innocent and should be loved

Loyalty puts all above

Doesnt matter what they did

Doesnt matter I was just a kid

Its only right I give them all

Including my life, as to my knees I fall

I remain led by the fires light

As to my soul they hold tight

I give to them what they do not deserve

And for myself leave nothing in reserve

carol anne

Rejection

it’s knowing how hard life can be

and knowing before the age of three

its being rejected before you can speak

and living by it week by week

no hugs, no tickles, no high fives

nothing to show you exist, your alive

you cant be stirred from your bed

you are trying to get the nighttmare out of your head

Carol anne

Take me away

take me away
forget today
forget the horror of the past
the memories
they wont last
be still
if you are still and quiet
the feelings will disapate
or so I’m told
I hold fast
thoughts swirl
Is it real?
am I real?
where am I
Here, there?
memories everywhere?
a child crushed
broken and scarred
Innocence taken
stuck in those memories
wanting to run
far far away
forever

Poetry

when your feelings are ablurr
all blurry
mixed with one another
and you mind twirls
swirls whirls
and your life is turned upside down
you feel so unsure
so insecure
so unsafe
all over the place
your life is spinning out of control
are you whole?
it doesnt seem like it
not one little bit
and you flit in and out
switching between parts
parts, that floaty feeling that dissociation brings
is it healing?
when your floating on the ceiling?

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book review-runaway girl by casey watson

I just finished another amazing fostering memoir written by casey watson. this is a story of one girls amazing inner strength, courage in the face of adversity and also a story of her resilience. It is a story of how someone can have the most tragic of pasts, and yet be able to overcome it and go on to lead a good life.
Runaway girl tells adrianas story. Adriana is a young polish girl who has come to the attention of social services because she handed herself in to them saying that she needed help, caseys link worker tells casey when he first is placing adriana with her that she is 14 years old and from outside their area. they know very little about her only that she ran away and has been sleeping rough and that she handed herself in asking social services to help her.
when she first arrives she has little english or that is what it looks like. she looks ill and subsequently becomes ill and after trying to get her seen by a doctor which goes very badly, it starts to look like there might be a lot more to the story, than casey first suspects.
she does recover from the viral illness that she first seemed to have, but then while she is helping caseys sons girl friend out teaching ballet one day, she collapses and becomes gravely ill. she is rushed to hospital upon where they find out that she is not 14 but 16 and also that she was pregnant and only recently gave birth, not long before coming into care.
this changes everything. she goes on to tell casey her story when in hospital, i wont spoil the story but needless to say it is a very sad situation that she found herself in at such a young age. however she is determined that now that the truth is out she just wants her baby back. she had been pregnant and given birth and given him up, doing what she felt would be right at the time.
there are many hoops to jump through in order for her to get him back. casey is more than willing to support her and fight her corner so that she can successfully get him back. and she does get him back, I wont go into the whole story as that will spoil the book for you but just to say it is a fantastic story with many twists and turns in it.
And it does have a fairytale ending. I really liked the book. It deals with the issues of trafficking, teen pregnancy, sexual abuse, and adrianas story shows that sometimes the things that happen to us in life will not defy who we become.
I hope if you read the book you’ll enjoy it as much as I did.

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