You will fear me, child

she walks the corridors
rosary beads in hand
her cane ready to whip
any child who dares to ask questions
feel feelings
its not safe to feel them
oh no
sister paula
loved to assert her control
over us
little kids
afraid of everything
even their own shadow
beaten until you bleed
welts that are red and raw
punished for absolutely no reason
sick games
that she liked to play
because it made her feel all powerful
you will fear me, child
make no mistake about that
now run along
you are no good
you are so stupid
you will never amount to anything
you are a disgrace
these things I was told
for many, many years
beaten and abused
;hysically, sexually and psychologically
I did fear
I still do fear

Book review: Please let me go by caitlinn spencer

Ok so I’ve just recently finished the book called, please let me go which is by caitlinn spencer. Caitlinn is from the UK, and her book is her personal memoir, her personal story of being groomed and then sex trafficked by gangs of Pakistani men. All this because she was white, and this is what these gangs do to white girls. Caitlinns story started when she was just 14 years old, and she was out of school, and answered an AD in the newspaper looking for models. It started from there, and she was psychologically and systematically abused by a man who was selling her for sex. He controlled her in every way, even going so far as to rape her in her home, in her parents bedroom. When she was 15 she got pregnant as a result of the abuse she was enduring, and this man, her groomer, took her for an illegal abortion. After about a year of controlling her and grooming her, he then sold her on to the Pakistani gangs. These gangs sodamised and raped her on a continuous basis. they’d come to her home and pick her up in taxi’s, they’d take her to hotels, they’d abuse her in car parks, in taxi’s etc. She wasn’t able to say no to them, because her psychological scars ran so deep from being controlled by that first man who groomed her. Her parents knew something, and turned a blind eye to it. How parents can do that is beyond me. They should have protected her, but instead they kicked her out at 16 and she had to go live in a hostel where she was vulnerable and more horrific things happened to her. Over the years she tried to go to psychiatrists, and professionals for help, but they had her down as working as a prostitute, and nobody helped her, they just diagnosed her as having bipolar, bpd, and gave her meds and left it at that. The abuse went on for over a decade. She had 11 pregnancies, only 2 of her pregnancies went full term, and the rest of her babies were either aborted or miscarried. She tried to escape to Australia a few times, but during one of her Australian visits she ended up working as a prostitute. So really she was back in an abusive situation again. Years later she tried to go back to Australia and apply for a visa and residency there to keep her girls safe from harm, but she was refused. In the end she got out of the abuse, and her story is a really powerful read. I would highly recommend it. Its shocking, and will shock you to your core. Some of the things that happened to her are horrendous. I can relate though having gone through similar abuse in my childhood and teens. Nothing shocks me, but it may shock you if you choose to read this book. These gangs were operating widely in the UK for years, grooming the most vulnerable kids, and then going on to abuse them horribly. They were found out though, their activities were detected, and subsequently some of these men were arrested and charged. I am glad that Caitlinn told her story. And I am glad I read it. She is very brave, and a warrior and survivor in every sense of the word.

If you want to read this book its available in audio from audible, on amazon in paperback or on kindle.

Book review: Survivors, by Maggie Oliver

I just finished an amazing book. It was a long book, over 10.5 hours in audio. But it is so worth it, I highly recommend it to everyone!
the book is called survivors, and is written by maggie oliver.
It is the story of the child abuse scandal in rochdale in manchester in the UK, this was a huge case, it was where white girls were being groomed and sexually abused and exploited by pacastani and asian men, the men were grooming the girls first, and then abusing them.
Maggie was a detective working on the case. The story centres mainly around one family who went through the abuse, it centres on a mother and her two girls, and the majority of the book is about them.
but during the story, maggie also talks about her own life, her life story is intertwined within the book also. She openly talks about losing her husband to bowel cancer, about losing her grandaughter, and about her grief.
She also talks about her training to become a police officer, and about the different jobs she worked on while she was a police officer.
And, she doesnt shy away from the bad side of being a police officer either. She talks about how she was bullied when she first started, and then as the rochdale case was going on, she talks about how she found things done during the case to be wrong, she had a lot of misgivings about how it was being handled. But nobody would listen to her. No one in the police was taking her seriously.
At the end of the book she talks about her time on celebrity big brother, and about the tv show that was made depicting the rochdale case.
Its a fascinating story, and once you start it, you’ll be hooked, just like I was.
The book is definitely a page turner!
Its available on audible, on kindle, and in paperback.
I give the book 5 stars!

Krista: I feel so much shame

its krista. in case you all don’t remember, i’m 11 years old.
right now I feel so so bad. my head hurts so much.
ive been out for a while, and I am trying not to go on the internet, and go into chatrooms. I know I shouldn’t do it. I really wish I didn’t think about sex so much.
I really don’t want to think about it. but it happens. I do. I feel so ashamed. I feel terrible and so bad about myself!
why cant I feel good about my body? why do I hate it so much?
I didn’t ask to be hurt! men hurt me and I didn’t want it!
but they didn’t care! they didn’t care how I felt or what happened to me!
they just wanted to do what they were doing and it didn’t matter how I felt.
it hurts! I am feeling so much shame about what they did!
I also feel ashamed about the fact that I still let people do things to me sexually even if its just on the internet!
why cant I be more like my twin kira! she would never talk about sex or do sexual stuff with anyone!
Eileen said kira had me to protect her and she depended on me and I was the one who was outspoken and kira wasn’t and so now she’s shy and timid and afraid and I am not and she said how it was very creative for us to split like we did!
I am so glad I will see Eileen tomorrow!
I need to talk to her so bad!
right now I am going to try to do something other than go in a chatroom! maybe I can find a good tv show or listen to some music!
is anyone around? if you are maybe you’d leave me a nice comment!
thanks guys! ❤ ❤

krista age 11

Guest post From Alex, personal narrative, triggers talks of childhood abuse and neglect!

Alex, evolution of self, has very kindly offered to guest post on my blog! He has written a personal narrative about his childhood experiences growing up with abusive parents! Here is his story!

Alex you’ve been very courageous in telling it!

I am so glad you survived and are a fighter!


I would like to start by introducing myself

Hi I am Alex

Many have grown up with mesmerizing moments from their childhood had two loving parents”

I was not one of those: starting from the aged of 9 until I was 16, I was subjected to horrific physical brutality from my biological mother whom we will refer to “it”

its level of hatred was cast onto me because of how much I reminded it of my Father. When my Father was home I never had a need to fear or think I was walking on shattered glass.

I also understood what he was doing was rid of the world of Nemesis so when he would leave on an assignment I been asked why I didn’t tell my Father? and I was told by “it” if I did she would inform his C.O that he was doing things to me” and in the Armed Forces that is a Death sentence. I would be left in clutches of Mommy dearest and its twisted sadistic desires and pleasures. Many times it would be an unbearable and fucking nightmare a lot where I endured was in what I called the “Basement of Secrets” I would be forcefully confined to a chair and whipped for hours with black licorice. There were times I wouldn’t be allowed to go to school because I would be healing from the beatings and welts. At a very young age, I learned and embrace the darkness as my numbing solace and was welcomed with open arms.

I had a mate of mine who’s alcoholic Father was abusing him physically I gave him pat on the back and he yelled ouch. had a massive bruise on his lower back…so I thought if they believe him why not me?

So I reached out with desperation to be resurrected from that living hell and was laughed and mocked at because what I was telling them was so surreal.

Many mornings I would wake up having knives throwing at my feet or cans frozen juice whipped at me to see my reflexes.

That night I strongly believe and cringed in paralyzing fear that I would not see the Sunrise again. After being crushed and losing all hope that others would help me. I knew if I was going to survive this fucking living Hell it would be because of (ME)

Ironic thing and fucked up one is the person who was sexually abusing me saw me more as a human being …I guess I choose the lesser of two evils.

So THEM that tried to break me, ripped me into never was ‘thought they could extinguish my Life

Though fucking wrong yes you laid waste and wreak havoc all over my body and mind with scars even though I still breathe I have been shattered into pieces.

I was always taught by my Father that no matter what keep going but last December before Christmas I was not myself I would put on a smile and act like I was fine but far far from it.

Never in million yrs did I think what was going on with me would this. I also didn’t know there was a more voracious and vicious bastard to PTSD but I do know now” I live with it every day as a constant reminder by Roller Coaster I ride.

Thank you for listening to My Story if you know anyone that is struggling never let them think they are lashing out in silent terror.

From Krista, discussing sexual abuse and acting out sexually

its krista. im 11 years old.
i got to talk in therapy yesterday. that was nice. even tho the stuff i had to talk about wasnt nice. it was hard to talk about was so scary.
but im glad eileen is so nice. she is kind. she makes it easy to talk to her.
i was talking about how i felt. that people only see my behaviour. they dont see me, they dont even like me. the adults in my system are afraid, they wont let the younger kids near me. thats cuz i act out. in a sexual way. but i dont want to be doing that. i just cant help myself.
its cuz stuff happened to me. people hurt me. in dublin. they did awful things to me. and i learned about sex. and now i sometimes act out in a sexual way. it makes me feel good about my body. cuz mostly i hate my body. but eileen said maybe i can learn new ways of being. and that it is my body, and i dont need to offer it to anyone, that maybe there is other things that i can offer instead. that i am not only what happened to me. that i am more than that.
she said the shame i feel about it is totally understandable. but that it isnt my shame. its the abusers shame to carry, not mine. but that is going to take a lot of work for me to learn that and that she is here and we can do this work together. i am glad she is here. she is helping me to learn new things about myself and i am happy about that.
she also said she cares about me but that she doesnt want me to do anything or for me to feel i have to do something for her in return for her care. she said she just wants to care about me because she likes me. she also said she doesnt judge me. she said there is no judgement on her part whatsoever.
i told her that when I am out sometimes I go online and go into chatrooms and start talking to people in a sexual way. i cant help it. She said that is the complexities of sexual abuse and of being abused. It makes us do things sometimes that people who havent been abused would never ever do.
its good to know im not weird or disgusting or gross or anything like that. im glad we talked about this stuff. eileen said we’d talk some more next time about all this. in the meantime i can text or email her and i also have rain, one of the dark adults supporting me. rain is really calm and she is nice and she offered to support me. i’d prefer to be with eileen but i’ll let rain be there for me too since she offered. i love spending time with eileen though. but eileen told me to let rain comfort me at home, and i can spend time with her in the therapy room.
its been good to get this stuff out. its nice to be able to allow eileen in a little. i never spoke about this stuff before to anyone. i’ve never ever told another person. im glad im telling eileen now. im glad to have her support.


to my abuser, You were so wicked

thats you in a nutshell
there was nothing nice about you
what you did
was steal innocence
steal childrens childhoods
without even a second thought
Pure evil
Thats you
Horrid, vile
with no love to give
even though
your job was to care
your job was to take care of kids
but did you?
oh no
all you did was use
and throw kids away
as if we were
rubbish, trash
Yesterdays news
One day, soon
You’ll pay
and I will be there
Looking on
with glee
Wicked to the core
thats you