Storm warning

So I thought we were over the bad storms. But, there are storm warnings for Ireland for this coming weekend again. High winds, and heavy rain. It’s actually pouring rain outside right now and has been since midnight last night.

I hope we d so I thought we were over the bad storms. But, there are storm warnings for Ireland for this coming weekend again. High winds, and heavy rain. It’s actually pouring rain outside right now and has been since midnight last night.
I hope we don’t get the storm too bad, I’m at my parents anyway so I’m safe.
Please pray will be okay.
Thank you to all my readers for support and prayers, they are much appreciated.

good session with dr. barry

just saw dr. barry. i had asked my key nurse this morning to ask her not to have too many people in the room. and she must have, because there was only myself, dr. barry, karen the social worker, and michelle who is a clinical nurse therapist and who has worked with us in the past so knows us well. we talked about he flashbacks and the nightmares. i told her how vivid they have been. and how i’ve been waking 2 or 3 times a night and unable to go back to sleep. i told her i’d been blogging and emailing eileen for support. she asked if that was helping and i said it was. then she said the reason she hadnt let me go to see eileen yesterday was because she didnt feel it was appropriate for me to go off the ward when i am in for crisis management. i can see her point. she asked me if eileen had done a check in with me over the phone and i told her we had. i told her we’d talked for over a half an hour. she was pleased i’d gotten to check in with her. she told me I’d be here for a few more days at least. she’s going to keep me on the invega for about another week, then take me off of it. we talked about my mom and her being supportive one minute and then not there emotionally the next. i cried, it was a hard conversation to have. we discussed a recent conversation my mom and i had where she said i should share more with her, and i couldnt go there, i couldnt trust that she’d be there if I shared. so I dont, I keep everything in to myself. I know thats not good but its how things have been since my teens. all through my teens, after the abuse came to light i tried to get my mom to talk to me about it. she wouldnt. she wasnt there for me. she isnt there for me a lot of the time now. only when she wants to be. when she feels like it. that hurts. and makes me sad. and makes me angry. dr. barry asked me if i felt any emotions when we had the conversation about me sharing more with her. i said yes, and then i said sadness and anger. i want a mom who i can trust who will be there take care of me go through things with me. i want to be close to her and i do care about her and love her and we have gotten closer in the last 2 years. dr. barry said she can see the progress we’ve made. she said there has been a noticable shift in our relationship in the last 2 years. i told her that last night around 9 PM my sister text me. she asked me how I was. I thought that was weird because normally she doesnt text me much. I told her I’d had a bad day and then she texted back I know, mom told me. so my mom cared enough to tell my sister that i was struggling and having a bad day and told her to text me. i felt so loved right then. loved and cared for. see how confusing all this is? anyway. the bulk of our session was talking about mom issues. dr. barry was telling michelle and Karen about me missing my singing lessons, and then we got talking about who out of them can sing, and there was a lot of banter between dr. barry and karen and michelle and me. it was so funny. then michelle said to me that she is really proud of me because i have her email address and i’ve never abused it. she said over the last five years she has only given it to two clients and I am one of them. she said that she trusts me not to abuse it and that any time i have been unwell i have never emailed her which is true i havent. and i wouldnt. i have karens email address as well, and i’d never use it only to email her if i had to if it was something social work related. i felt good though that they both trust me not to abuse their email. anyway back to the singing, dr. barry told them how i used to be a montfort and i have been performing since a young age and have been in pantos in the opera house and shows in other venues around the city. karen was like i have no talent! we all laughed at that. then we got chatting and i was like surely you can sing karen, and she said i keep thinking there is a song that will suit me but i never find one. and then i said did you ever see the catherine tate sketch where its lauren and she says and you thought you were celine dion? its very funny. so yeah we were really having a great joke today in our session. i never saw dr. barry to laugh so much! I love hearing her laugh. the next thing i need to do is buy her perfume. i’m obsessed. i need to have it so when i am feeling lonely or alone and needing dr. barrys reassurrance i can put a spray of it on and it will remind me of her. so yeah that is the update. feeling good and like we accomplished a lot today.

icon-envelope-tick-green-avg-v1.png Virus-free. www.avg.com

Phone consult with our OT Mark

so this morning we had a phone consult with our OT mark. It went really well. We talked about different options going forward, in regards to courses, both leisure interest courses and educational courses. He told me about some courses that two local colleges have on offer in the spring, these courses include things like learning a language, creative writing, guitar for beginners, art and yoga and mindfulness and meditation. They all sound interesting. He also told me about some courses that I could do which will lead to certification, these include theraputic play, a course on dementia, child care courses etc. He said that I should probably wait until I get hooked up with the job coach in early January before I go ahead and apply for any of the courses. His thinking was that when I get hooked up with the job coach and figure out what direction I want to go in in regards to my career and making goals surrounding that, then I’ll be more equipped to apply for courses to either enhance my CV or pursue something for just leisure interest. I’m thinking I’ll probably like to work in either tech support in some company, or else in a call centre, it seems like all the jobs are in those areas. And I dont have to stay at the same job for years, maybe I vcan just stay in one job for a year or two and then move on to something else. I’d like to do the theraputic play course, it sounds like it would be very good and I think I’d learn a lot. He said the local colleges have plenty of psychology related courses on offer if I was interested in any of those. He also did a brief check in with me about how I was doing, I told him how things have been for us over the past couple of weeks. I passed on the tip to him about the ap for reminding me to take my meds, he was pleased. He says he’s learned so much from me over the past couple of years, and he passes all my tips on to his colleagues. That made me feel good. It was a good consult and we agreed that when he’s back in the new year he’d call me and we’d meet up. We decided not to meet up until after I get hooked up with the job coach. He said he’s working next Thursday the 29th and if I need anything I can call him. He’s a wonderful OT and I consider myself very lucky to be working with him.

Monday blues

i’m feeling a little anxious this morning. i woke up feeling this way. i think i have the monday blues.

i ate breakfast though. i’m good for eating breakfast in the hospital. i eat it every day. its good that i do because its the only meal i eat consistently.

i’m going off the ward later on today to go to therapy. i’m looking forward to seeing eileen. i think i’ll ask the taxi driver to stop on the way so i can get a coffee. the coffee in here is like piss water.

there is a lot of work that needs to be done in therapy. i think it will be an intensive session.

therapy today

today i saw eileen. we had a very intense session. we were very dissociative during most of it. she spent a lot of time just walking us around the room, having us touch objects, she kept telling us to come back to her, and open our eyes. not sure what was going on with the closing of our eyes. all i can think is because we were tired from lack of sleep last night we may have been more sleepy than usual. anyway a new insider kira came out. she is 11 and she has memories of an abuser chad raping us in 2007. she talked for a while to eileen about how scared she was of the memories, about how she wasnt able to share her memories with the rest of us yet. eileen was very supportive to her as she always is with all of us. she kept reaffirming to her that it was 2016 now and we were safe and that me and liz wouldnt let anything happen to her, kira didnt even know who eileen was or why we were sitting in her office. i also had some time with her which was nice. i mostly talked to her about home supports and things surrounding what needs to happen to establish those. liz also had time with her. they talked about attachment stuff and her self harm urges and about system safety. it was a very good session.

therapy today

today i saw eileen. we had a very intense session. we were very dissociative during most of it. she spent a lot of time just walking us around the room, having us touch objects, she kept telling us to come back to her, and open our eyes. not sure what was going on with the closing of our eyes. all i can think is because we were tired from lack of sleep last night we may have been more sleepy than usual. anyway a new insider kira came out. she is 11 and she has memories of an abuser chad raping us in 2007. she talked for a while to eileen about how scared she was of the memories, about how she wasnt able to share her memories with the rest of us yet. eileen was very supportive to her as she always is with all of us. she kept reaffirming to her that it was 2016 now and we were safe and that me and liz wouldnt let anything happen to her, kira didnt even know who eileen was or why we were sitting in her office. i also had some time with her which was nice. i mostly talked to her about home supports and things surrounding what needs to happen to establish those. liz also had time with her. they talked about attachment stuff and her self harm urges and about system safety. it was a very good session.

Hurting

I’ve been thinking about dr. Barry and the conversation we had yesterday around attachment and our relationship. And it hurts every time I think of it. I feel like she is going to abandon me. Reject me. I feel like because she wants to push our appointments out from weekly to every 10 days or every 2 weeks that my whole world is falling apart. I know this seems stupid. But I just, I dont know. It just feels like a big blow. She said yesterday that we need to get more secure in our attachment. That right now I am not feeling secure in the attachment. That every time she is not there I find it difficult to cope and I crash hard. Thats true. Every time I see her I try to remember things she’s said in the conversation, so that I can keep the connection to her when we end our session. And more often than not I’m not able to remember and I lose that connection. and I am scared. I am scared she is going to end our relationship. I am scared of losing her. I am scared because it took me so long to build up this connection and my attachment to her. And what if it was all for nothing. What if I am just fucked up and I cant keep an attachment to anyone. And what if I am too crazy and she has had enough? What if she thinks I am too much and too needy? I am just scared. I want to run to her and hug her and never let go. I want to tell her please dont leave me, i need you. I want to say I love you and trust you and dont ever want to let you go. Why am I so fucked up? Why am i inherently bad? Why am I so complex? It hurts. I hurt. Dr. Barry is the first psychiatrist to truly get me and get my did diagnosis. And i dont want to lose that. I couldnt cope if I did.