her mind is spinning
the light is dimming
she sits and thinks
and slowly she sinks
her mind becomes a blurr
she cant see in front of her
the razor calls
should she do it
i just feel like shit!
I AM SO AFRAID. AFRAID TO SLEEP. AFRAID OF HAVING NIGHTMARES. TONIGHT IS A BAD NIGHT. SOME OF YOU MIGHT KNOW WE ARE SRA SURVIVORS, RITUAL ABUSE SURVIVORS. WELL THERE IS AN ECLIPSE, AND A BAD DATE TODAY TOO FOR RITUAL ABUSE SURVIVORS. LOTS OF CHAOS INSIDE. LOTS OF SCREAMING AND CRYING. LOTS OF FEAR. LOTS OF OVERWHELM. EMOTIONAL OVERLOAD. ITS JUST SO HARD. I WANT TO CUT SO BAD RIGHT NOW. I JUST FEEL LIKE GOING IN THE BATHROOM AND BREAKING THE MIRROR AND CUTTING.
WRITTEN BY LIZ
I LONG FOR THE COLD STEAL BLADE OF A KNIFE
TO TOUCH MY SKIN AND TAKE ME AWAY
TO MAKE ME FORGET ALL THE PAIN INSIDE
AND CALM THE NERVES THAT REFUSE TO SETTLE
I WANT THE FEELING THAT ONLY COMES BY THIS
THE FEELING THAT I CAN RELAX AND BREATHE
MY HEART FEELS SO COLD AND SO HEAVY
HOW CAN I KNOW ITS WARMTH WITHOUT THE BLOOD
IF MY BLOOD IS WARM THEN MY HEART MUST NOT BE FROZEN
I WANT THE BLANKNESS OF MY MIND, THAT IS UNIQUE TO THE STINGING AND LINES OF RED
THE ONLY WAY IVE EVER KNOWN OF, TO CLEAR OUT EVEN FOR A MOMENT ALL THAT HAUNTS ME
I WANT A PEACE THAT COMES OUT NUMB
THAT FEELS NOTHING, RATHER THAN EVERYTHING AT ONCE
HOW CAN ANYONE UNDERSTAND SUCH CONTRADICTIONS
LIFE AND WARMTH, WITH BLANKNESS AND NUMBNESS
YET THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT I CAN BRING OUT OF MYSELF
WITH ONLY A KNIFE PRESSED TO MY SKIN
I HAVE A SEARING PAIN IN MY INSIDES IN MY HEART IT BURNS IT JUST HURTS I WANT TO CUT IT ALL AWAY CUT SO DEEP FEEL THE BLOOD OOZE OUT THEN MAYBE JUST MAYBE I WOULDNT HAVE TO FEEL THE HURT AND SADNESS AND OVERWHELMING ACHE IN MY INSIDES
it lexi. i want to cut. i skard. i not want do dat in long time. i be six. i usd to cut a lot. wif razor blades. but then i work hard in therpy. and i didntt do it for long time. but tonite i sad. my heart hurts. and i want to cut. dat wuld help i fink. it would make me feel somfin.
#JusJoJan Daily Prompt – January 14th, 2018
Your prompt for January 14th, 2018, brought to you by a new-to-me blogger, Itinerary Planner, is “Ultimatum.” Use it any way you’d like in your post. And make sure you visit Itinerary Planner at her blog, “Travel Itineraries: Travel the World for Less” (sounds good to me!) to read her post and say hi! Here’s her link: https://traveltinerary.com/
a couple years ago I had a therapist we’ll call her j. one day after I had taken an overdose, j gave me an ultimatum. if I didn’t stop harming myself, she would quit seeing me. she knew how much I needed her. she knew how much I relied on her. to do this was cruel. she knew I was attached to her and that i’d do anything she told me to do in order to keep her. so I stopped for a while. the pressure built up. I stopped though, I did not harm myself. I did it not for me but for her. I was terrified of losing her support. now I know she was wrong. she was the professional. she should have never given me that ultimatum. she should instead have helped me to work through my feelings, work through why it was that I was harming myself so often. not pressured me into stopping when I really wasn’t ready to give it up yet.
WOKE UP SWEATING. FROM A NIGHTMARE.
FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK.
I CANT DO THIS. I CANT TAKE IT. I WANT TO CUT. I WANT THE RELEASE.
SHIT. I AM A FUCKING MESS. OH HELL. WHAT TO DO?