Rock botto

swirling and spinning

quickly downward

nothing to grip onto

the hole seems endless

yet i have a sense of rock bottom

and i think i’m about to hit it

i brace myself for the collision

but i am tugged away by voices

my mind can’t prepare

and combat hallucinations

enter the flashbacks

on top of the voices

memories stabbing my heart

suddenly i hit the ground

the fall is hard

my arms out to brace myself

now bleed in a self injurious way

this is the bottom

its a familiar place

i’ve been here many times before

and i know that unless i get help

the right sort of help

i’ll be here again

Carol anne

Why do I cut?

WRITTEN BY LIZ, AGE 16

I LONG FOR THE COLD STEAL BLADE OF A KNIFE

TO TOUCH MY SKIN AND TAKE ME AWAY

TO MAKE ME FORGET ALL THE PAIN INSIDE

AND CALM THE NERVES THAT REFUSE TO SETTLE

I WANT THE FEELING THAT ONLY COMES BY THIS

THE FEELING THAT I CAN RELAX AND BREATHE

MY HEART FEELS SO COLD AND SO HEAVY

HOW CAN I KNOW ITS WARMTH WITHOUT THE BLOOD

IF MY BLOOD IS WARM THEN MY HEART MUST NOT BE FROZEN

I WANT THE BLANKNESS OF MY MIND, THAT IS UNIQUE TO THE STINGING AND LINES OF RED

THE ONLY WAY IVE EVER KNOWN OF, TO CLEAR OUT EVEN FOR A MOMENT ALL THAT HAUNTS ME

I WANT A PEACE THAT COMES OUT NUMB

THAT FEELS NOTHING, RATHER THAN EVERYTHING AT ONCE

HOW CAN ANYONE UNDERSTAND SUCH CONTRADICTIONS

LIFE AND WARMTH, WITH BLANKNESS AND NUMBNESS

YET THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT I CAN BRING OUT OF MYSELF

WITH ONLY A KNIFE PRESSED TO MY SKIN

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poetry

silent tears fall
no one sees
i am alone
alone and afraid
the night is long
urges to self harm fill my head
but i breathe instead
counting the breaths
like my therapist showed me and encourages me to do
slowly the hours passed
the urges to cut my skin faded
and were replaced by intense sadness
this is me, this is my truth

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Poetry

Go to the kitchen

Open the dra go to the kitchen
Open the drawer
Take out a knife
Robert elan your skin
Court ever so slightly
But started to drip
Cut a little deeper
Release your emotions
Cutting is the only way to do it.

You’re too scared to live

But you’re
You’re too scared to live
But you’re too scared to die
Each time you think of what happened, you die a little more insight
The memories turn to and go few
Flashbacks overtake your body
You are reminded that nothing is sacred
You’re in turmoil

Turmoil so

turmoil
Term also great that you don’t want to live.
You don’t want to live so what do you do?
You end it, and the pain, for good

Music visiting my friend today and other things

so after i put on my mp3 player when i wrote the last blog post I was able to go back to sleep. It was fitful sleep but at least I was able to sleep. I got up at 8. Nitro came over to the bed and was nudging me with his nose, that means he wanted to go out. So I got up and let him out and then I just stayed up because I was fully awake.
I’m planning on visiting my friend Norma today. She had asked me if she could come over last night but since I wasnt home she couldnt. So I told her I’d come over today to see her.
My other friend Rose is struggling a lot. She called me last night and we chatted for a good hour. She is having very bad anxiety and her mood is very low. I hope she wont have to go into the hospital because of it.
My own mood is still low. At least the impulsive self harm thoughts I was having arent there right now. I’m pretty sure it wasnt just me who had them. I’m pretty sure it was other insiders as well.