swirling and spinning
nothing to grip onto
the hole seems endless
yet i have a sense of rock bottom
and i think i’m about to hit it
i brace myself for the collision
but i am tugged away by voices
my mind can’t prepare
and combat hallucinations
enter the flashbacks
on top of the voices
memories stabbing my heart
suddenly i hit the ground
the fall is hard
my arms out to brace myself
now bleed in a self injurious way
this is the bottom
its a familiar place
i’ve been here many times before
and i know that unless i get help
the right sort of help
i’ll be here again
WRITTEN BY LIZ, AGE 16
I LONG FOR THE COLD STEAL BLADE OF A KNIFE
TO TOUCH MY SKIN AND TAKE ME AWAY
TO MAKE ME FORGET ALL THE PAIN INSIDE
AND CALM THE NERVES THAT REFUSE TO SETTLE
I WANT THE FEELING THAT ONLY COMES BY THIS
THE FEELING THAT I CAN RELAX AND BREATHE
MY HEART FEELS SO COLD AND SO HEAVY
HOW CAN I KNOW ITS WARMTH WITHOUT THE BLOOD
IF MY BLOOD IS WARM THEN MY HEART MUST NOT BE FROZEN
I WANT THE BLANKNESS OF MY MIND, THAT IS UNIQUE TO THE STINGING AND LINES OF RED
THE ONLY WAY IVE EVER KNOWN OF, TO CLEAR OUT EVEN FOR A MOMENT ALL THAT HAUNTS ME
I WANT A PEACE THAT COMES OUT NUMB
THAT FEELS NOTHING, RATHER THAN EVERYTHING AT ONCE
HOW CAN ANYONE UNDERSTAND SUCH CONTRADICTIONS
LIFE AND WARMTH, WITH BLANKNESS AND NUMBNESS
YET THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT I CAN BRING OUT OF MYSELF
WITH ONLY A KNIFE PRESSED TO MY SKIN
silent tears fall
no one sees
i am alone
alone and afraid
the night is long
urges to self harm fill my head
but i breathe instead
counting the breaths
like my therapist showed me and encourages me to do
slowly the hours passed
the urges to cut my skin faded
and were replaced by intense sadness
this is me, this is my truth
Go to the kitchen
Open the dra go to the kitchen
Open the drawer
Take out a knife
Robert elan your skin
Court ever so slightly
But started to drip
Cut a little deeper
Release your emotions
Cutting is the only way to do it.
You’re too scared to live
You’re too scared to live
But you’re too scared to die
Each time you think of what happened, you die a little more insight
The memories turn to and go few
Flashbacks overtake your body
You are reminded that nothing is sacred
You’re in turmoil
Term also great that you don’t want to live.
You don’t want to live so what do you do?
You end it, and the pain, for good
is my skin
cold metal sinking in
flashes of red
oh no, am I dead?
Or is it all in my head?
today marks 2 years since we self harmed, or overdosed. I’m very proud of how far we’ve come.
Its hard to resist the urge to do something when we are desperate, but we havent, and I am proud of that fact.
Heres to another year self harm free!
so after i put on my mp3 player when i wrote the last blog post I was able to go back to sleep. It was fitful sleep but at least I was able to sleep. I got up at 8. Nitro came over to the bed and was nudging me with his nose, that means he wanted to go out. So I got up and let him out and then I just stayed up because I was fully awake.
I’m planning on visiting my friend Norma today. She had asked me if she could come over last night but since I wasnt home she couldnt. So I told her I’d come over today to see her.
My other friend Rose is struggling a lot. She called me last night and we chatted for a good hour. She is having very bad anxiety and her mood is very low. I hope she wont have to go into the hospital because of it.
My own mood is still low. At least the impulsive self harm thoughts I was having arent there right now. I’m pretty sure it wasnt just me who had them. I’m pretty sure it was other insiders as well.