Halloween haunts me

the leaves change and it’s there
the reminder, a subtle dare
can i look back, do i want to see
will i ever get to just be
skeletons in my closet seem
to haunt me in my every dream
and the ghosts of the past arent silent
as the memories rage at me so violent
will a jack-o-lantern ever make me smile
or will the glowing face always be vile
children’s costumes hanging in the store
i want it to mean less, but it keeps being more
night brings fear, the smell of bon fires swell
i have no choice but to breathe in my own personal hell
laughter and drinking, parties and screaming in the night
they really don’t know the true meaning of fright

ria

IM COPING EVEN AFTER FEELING SUICIDAL

SO I FELT SO CRAPPY LAST NIGHT. I FELT SUICIDAL AND FELT LIKE ENDING IT. ALL OF YOU HAVE BEEN SO SUPPORTIVE TO ME. I REALLY APPRECIATE IT VERY MUCH. YOUR ALL GREAT! NOT LONG AFTER WRITING THE POST WHERE I SAID I FELT LIKE ENDING IT I WENT TO BED. AND I SLEPT FOR HOURS. SO THEN I WOKE AT LIKE 1 AM AND COULDNT GET BACK TO SLEEP FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT. BUT THE SUICIDAL URGES HAD PASSED. I THINK SOME OF IT MIGHT BE BECAUSE TODAY IS THE START OF SATANIC NEW YEAR, AND THATS A HUGE TRIGGER FOR ME. BECAUSE I AM A SRA SURVIVOR.
I HAD A REALLY PRODUCTIVE MORNING. I AM AT THE BASEMENT CLUB. I DID MY VOLUNTEERING AND GOT LOTS OF WORK DONE. I DO DATA ENTRY AND WRITE A NEWSLETTER EACH MONTH AS WELL AS ANSWERING THE PHONES. TODAY I WROTE THE JANUARY NEWSLETTER. I ALSO DID ALL OF THE SIGN IN SHEETS SINCE THE START OF JANUARY. I FEEL GOOD. ITS GOOD TO BE PRODUCTIVE. AT LEAST IT MAKES ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF THAT I CAN GIVE BACK TO THE COMMUNITY. IT ALSO MAKES ME FEEL WORTHWHILE.
CORA

winter solstace feeling triggered

i’m feeling very triggered. today is the winter solstace. its a really hard day for us. emotionally we are very unstable. lots of flashbacks and memories of ritual abuse as a kid. thank goodness I’m seeing dr. barry. I plan on talking to her about things. She’s very understanding about the ritual abuse and she really gets it. I didnt sleep very well but I face timed with my friend sarah so that was good and helped me distract. I’m just feeling very triggered right now. Could use some support if anyones around.

Do you believe in SRA, well its real!

Hi, I’d like to start by saying, I am a SRA survivor. SRA is real. Very very real. It happens all over the world. And it happened to me too. For 9 years I was part of a cult. A satanic cult. The cult was connected to the school I was in, a school for the blind. For years, we were abused. On a daily basis. We were taken to rituals by night. We were subjected to cruelty, torture, evil, pure evil. It was hell. But I survived. I am here, I survived it. There must have been a reason that I did. A reason my story needs to be told. I’m still trying to work out what that reason is.
This weekend is hard for many survivors. Halloween is one of the worst times of the year for SRA survivors. The cult really up the anti at halloween. They perform horrible rituals. Some of which leave animals and humans dead. They take all the fun and goodness out of halloween. Costumes, decorations, etc all become triggers.
Even now, years later, they still trigger me. Its all I can do this weekend to paint my face and dress up for the fun of it. But I am determined to do it. I am reclaiming the holiday if its the last thing I do. I am entitled to do it, for myself, but most importantly for the little parts of me whose childhood was so cruelly taken from them.
Will you help me? If you have any supportive messages that you think might help, I’d really appreciate them, and I think the child alters in our system would too.

Triggered by a RA date

AN RA DATE JUST PASSED. WE ARE STILL FEELING THE EFFECTS OF BEING TRIGGERED. WE TOOK HALDOL TO NUMB THE OVERWHELMING PAIN AND MOSTLY JUST SLEPT TO GET THROUGH THE NIGHT BUT NOW THAT ITS OVER THE MEMORIES ARE STILL THERE WE ARE STILL TRYING TO PROCESS SOME NEW MEMORIES AND WE ARE FEELING VERY ALONE AND AFRAID. TRIGGERS SUCK SO MUCH.

WHAT GROWING UP IN A CULT TAUGHT ME…

THIS IS LIZ AND I AM GOING TO WRITE ABOUT THE LESSONS WE LEARNED GROWING UP IN A CULT. FOR THOSE WHO MAY NOT KNOW I AM 16 AND AN ALTER IN OUR SYSTEM. AS A KID I WENT THROUGH MUCH PAIN TRAINING AND HAD TO PARTICIPATE IN A CULT AND IN IN MANY, MANY RITUALS FOR MUCH OF OUR CHILDHOOD. THIS HORRIFIC EXPERIENCE SCARRED ME FOR LIFE AND ALSO TAUGHT ME MANY THINGS, BELOW I WILL LIST SOME OF THEM.

What growing up in a cult taught me…

unquestioning obedience

a fear of nature and of the moon

to use nature to know when bad things are going to happen

children should silently do as they are told

crying gets you punished more

anytime you are wearing a white dress and flowers you are going to get sexually abused

ages 3, 5, 6, and 7, 13, 16, 19, 21, 27, 33, 37, 43,….. are a hazzard to life

children are animals, not people therefore its ok to kill them

things that go into the fire, do not return.

i am powerless against the cult

the preference is that you kill yourself so the cults hands are clean even though they instigated it

fear is a tool and so is anger

people come to the cult from all walks of life and with costumes for jobs they dont have thus trust noone

you cant hide, or run

pain training brings out angry alters or creates them

after a while you get numb to some things and twice as reactive to others

death is not real and lasting in all cases

never attach to anyone or any animal or it will be removed from you and killed

to believe in and fear black magick

to face death when you dont want to look