its allie

its allie. and my eyes are burning from crying. i hurt all over. but its not a physical pain, altho my heart feels like someones squeezing it outa my chest.

i need a hug. but aint nobody here to hug me. im all alone. i miss eileen. i wish i could text her right now. i did email her. but she doesnt respond to emails. i know she reads it but i really want a response.

why is night time so hard?

I hate it. if anyones up, send a virtual hug my way.

allie

flashback trauma

flashbacks are kicking our collective ass. horrific memories are running rampant. taunting us. making us crazy. sending us spiraling. triggering us into a place of emotional instability.

Right now, I feel awful. I want an end to this pain. An end is all I want.

But it never ends. The pain threatens to take me down. If only the memories would stop?

Not coping at all

i think i’m about to die. the emotions are so overwhelming. i cant turn off my brain. i am swimming in grief and desperation and trauma. sadness, sadness oh my god the sadness. i wish eileen was here. i wish i could hold her hand or have a hug. i need that contact. i crave it. i need that connection. i am alone. alone with my thoughts. alone with my fears. alone in the world on a dark night with rain beating down outside and memories taunting me. i have curled up with my baby nitro my dog and burrowed my face into his fur. he is safety. he is my calm. he is loyal and loving and wants to be there for me. right now i need him so much. but i need my therapist too. i really need her. things are not good. i dont feel well. i am so scared. scared of what is in my head. scared of my thoughts and of my feelings. i cant cope. i just cant do this.

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therapy break continues, days 3 and 4

days 3 and 4 have been a lot harder than the first two days. proly cuz we didnt sleep and we were so dissociative. losing lotsa time, just being sad and hurting and crying a lot.
alla us kids miss eileen so much. it realy hurts our heart.
we been tryin ta make her cards and write letters to her but nothins comin out.
do anybody ever get like that? like yur words get stuck, lost even? and you dont know how to fix that?
we are going to try ta have a good weekend. and not to miss her too much.
that will be hard tho i think.
we brought her rose scent to respite with us for some comfort. and we might get to buy the perfume she wears tomorrow when we go shopping. it will double because dr. barry wears it too so we can think of her and think of eileen at the same time.
ok i gotta go to bed now
good night everyone
allie

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chilled to the bone

i feel very unsettled. i woke from a nightmare and it has left me reeling. i cant process it now. all i can seem to do is sit here in fear. sit here trembling and shaking. some things really are sooo shocking. even after all these years. sometimes i just say to myself how could stuff like this have happened to me? but it did. it did and it hurts. right now i just want to cry. but my tears are not coming. instead i just feel this immense sadness, a pressure on my chest. time to go make myself some tea i think.

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poetry

silent tears fall
no one sees
i am alone
alone and afraid
the night is long
urges to self harm fill my head
but i breathe instead
counting the breaths
like my therapist showed me and encourages me to do
slowly the hours passed
the urges to cut my skin faded
and were replaced by intense sadness
this is me, this is my truth

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