I’ll never forget, how I wish I could…

hands tremble
lips quiver
slowly i move
unsteady on my feet
hands shaking
i try to sit and I try to write
I type a little
then have to stop
sadness bubbles up
to the surface
the words spill out
on the page
sadness turns to anger
why did this all have to happen
so many questions
unanswered, when will I get answers?
probably never…
how to cope
what to do
as i sit and stare
thoughts fill my mind
how can i ever
i cant, but oh how i wish i could…

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Try, try, try

like a torrent
emotions engulf me
threatening my sanity
splat splat
i sit
I shudder
I shake
I try to take
Deep breaths
No good, I’m being swallowed whole
Eaten alive
Trying, trying, trying…
But unable to speak
Unable to do anything
But flounder and flail
And try again
To swim to the surface

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its me emily. I really want to die!

hhihihihii everybody
its me Emily. I feel so bad.
I don’t want to be here
I don’t want to be alive
I want to end it
I want to go away forever
I am so so scared
scared of my memories
scared of my feelings
scared of the abusers
I want to end it because I feel we’d be better off if I did
i’d be finally happy
happier than I am now
i’d be out of pain
there’d be no more pain no more sadness
we’d be at peace
I cant take it any more I realy cant
I hate myself and I hate my body
I hate how I look
I hate life
I just cant do this
im not going to do anything ok guys
I just feel like I want to
but im safe
I promised Eileen I wouldn’t do anything to the body
and i’ll keep my promise to her
cuz I don’t want to disappoint her
but it don’t stop me feeling like I want to
butterfly hugs
loves you

#whatif prompt 8-3-2018

Today’s prompt over at what if we all cared is:


enough pain
enough shame
to last a life time
wonder when
it will no longer be
part of me
or part
of my day

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The depression lingers

im still feeling very depressed. i am just finding today rough. not sure whats going on with me if I am honest. its hard though and it feels awful. its actually horrendous.
i dont feel like i can be around people. i tried watching tv with my dad. i couldnt do it. i just had to escape to the bedroom. i had to be alone, well i had nitro, i wouldnt be without him. he snuggled close to me. actually when my dad took him out to the living room he didnt want to stay there, he wanted to come back in to the bedroom to me. what a loyal pup he is.
i suppose part of this could be our therapists upcoming vacation. we’ve been thinking a lot about it. so yes partly the sadness and aloneness and depressed feelings could be down to that. im sure we’ll end up talking a lot about it tomorrow with her.
for tonight though i think i just have to keep a low profile. stay in my bedroom, and do things that dont require a lot of brain power. just try to be kind to myself i suppose.

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In her eyes…

the pain overflows
in her mind
in her heart
in her eyes
so much pain
drives her insane
she’s afraid to open up
to anyone
afraid to speak of it
afraid to put words on it
so instead
she shoves it down
and far far away
shoves it into a corner
and applys her mask
faces the world
and smiles sweetly
yes, this is me
faking it
I can make it