One of my clients is dead

I found out today that one of the friendly call clients I call each week killed himself. I’d spoken to this man on numerous occasions. He was in his fifties. He had a severe mental illness. My supervisor told me he did it last week. We were the last people he spoke to, friendly call was the last contact he had with anyone before he did it.

I was floored. Its the first time something like this has happened to me while I’ve been a volunteer. I just cant believe it. It really brings it home to me how precious life is. And how you just never know how things can happen on a spur of a moment.

I hope he’s at peace now. I am glad he had us I am glad we were able to maybe bring him some happy times. The fact that we spoke to him daily. The fact he had someone on the end of the phone to talk to. He was very isolated, he lived in a rural area. And he was so lonely.

Loneliness kills. It really does.

Its going to take me some time to process this. I still feel kinda numb. Maybe because I’ve also come close to ending it. Maybe because I know his pain. I know how he must have felt when he made his decision. I just wish he’d have told us how he was feeling.

Its a sad day for me today. I’ll send prayers up to the universe and hopefully he’s at peace now.

ATTACHMENT PAIN SUCKS

IM FEELING INCREDIBLY UNSTABLE. I KNOW WE’LL SEE EILEEN TOMORROW. IT JUST SEEMS A LIFE TIME AWAY. LOGICALLY I KNOW ITS A FEW HOURS. BUT RIGHT NOW I WANT TO HUG HER. I MISS HER SO SO MUCH. I FEEL VERY YOUNG. I FEEL VERY CLINGY. LIKE I WANT TO CLING TO HER LEGS, OR HOLD HER HAND AND HUG HER AND NOT LET GO. I FEEL SO INCREDIBLY SAD. AND LIKE BURSTING INTO TEARS. I ACTUALLY DONT THINK I CAN HOLD IT IN. I WONDER IF I CRY WILL I BE ABLE TO STOP? I JUST FEEL SO YOUNG. I FEEL SO ON EDGE. SO VULNERABLE TOO. LIKE A VERY YOUNG DISTRESSED PART IS HERE. SO NOT SURE IF ITS A PART OF ME, OR ANOTHER VERY YOUNG INSIDER. IT KINDA FEELS LIKE A YOUNGER PART OF MYSELF THOUGH. I JUST DONT KNOW. ALL I DO KNOW IS I FEEL TREMENDOUSLY NEEDY RIGHT NOW. I NEED EILEENS REASSURANCE, I NEED HER COMFORTING HUGS AND HER REASSURING WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT, AND OF COMFORT. I’LL HAVE TO WAIT ABOUT 15 MORE HOURS THOUGH. TIME IS TICKING BY SOOOO SLOWLY. I JUST WANT TOMORROW MORNING TO COME, I NEED IT TO COME QUICK.
LIZ

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Longing

Im incredibly sad tonight. I have a longing. A longing to have my therapists reassurance. I wish I could reach out to her. But its gone midnight. I cant reach out now. Its too late. She’s probably fast asleep. I could email her, but I’m not going to. I am going to try to manage the feelings. Try to cope. Use all the techniques she has taught me to cope. I miss her. That’s the long and short of it. I miss her and I am dissociating and feeling incredibly unstable right now. I wish I could just hear her say Carol anne, it will be ok, you’ll be ok. But, I am going to imagine her saying that to me. I will imagine her giving me a tight hug, imagine her calming voice. Imagine her steady breath, her steady heartbeat as I cuddle in close to her. I will imagine all that. And I will be ok. I can get through this hard night. I can do it. I just have to have a little faith in myself. In my abilitys. So on that note, I’ll say goodnight, go to bed, and before I sleep, I will listen to eileens guided imagery exercise that she recorded for me. Its ok, I’m ok.

Who will you be?

Stop holding on to what hurts and start making room for what feels good. You are not what happened to you in the past. You are now, you are
this moment. What will you do with it? Who will you choose to become?

Robert Tew

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I’ll never forget, how I wish I could…

hands tremble
lips quiver
slowly i move
unsteady on my feet
hands shaking
i try to sit and I try to write
I type a little
then have to stop
sadness bubbles up
to the surface
the words spill out
on the page
sadness turns to anger
why did this all have to happen
so many questions
unanswered, when will I get answers?
probably never…
how to cope
what to do
as i sit and stare
thoughts fill my mind
how can i ever
forget?
i cant, but oh how i wish i could…

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Try, try, try

like a torrent
emotions engulf me
threatening my sanity
splat splat
i sit
I shudder
I shake
I try to take
Deep breaths
No good, I’m being swallowed whole
Eaten alive
Trying, trying, trying…
But unable to speak
Unable to do anything
But flounder and flail
And try again
To swim to the surface

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