Just feel so depressed

I woke up at six, despite going to bed after 2 AM. I just wasnt able to sleep any longer so got up. I am feeling very off today. Not doing well at all. I’ve decided not to go volunteering. I just dont feel up to it. I wouldnt be any use to anyone. I am feeling too depressed. I also feel fragile and I think hearing about others problems would only set me off further. So I wont go. I will ring my supervisor when she gets into work and let her know. I made myself make some breakfast. I really didnt feel up to eating or making food, but I pushed myself to do it. Its not even 8 AM here yet. I think its going to be a long day. Also the weather is crap outside. Its very windy and threatening to rain. I just let nitro out and fed him so at least I managed to see to his needs. He is important to me so I am glad I was able to see to him. My friend texted me during the night. She was worried as she texted me yesterday after my therapy session and I didnt reply to her. Truth is I was too tired to talk then. I probably should have replied to just let her know I was ok. She worries for us at this time of year because she knows its hard for us. I replied this morning. I apologised for not replying to her message sooner. I need to shower but I just dont feel like it. I know thats gross. I probably will, I just have to muster up the energy. I feel too lethargic and too depressed. Im not sure where the depression is coming from. Other than the time of year but not sure what else is causing it. All I know is I feel so awful. Feel really low and like I couldnt be bothered like I dont care about anything. Ug I hope this doesnt last for too long. Its exhausting.
carol anne

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Emily. I still feel awful

it me emily. im still feeling so so bad.
i hate feeling so bad. everything feels just awful.
i hurt all over. mentally, im hurting so much.
i still want to die. i wish i could disappear.
im a burden to everyone. i am not happy. people dont like you when your not happy. they think you are being negative. if i could i would be happy. i’d change how i feel in a heartbeat. but i cant.
i wish i could just shrink into a little speck of nothingness.
i am a nothing and a nobody. that is how i feel.
everything feels so worthless. i feel worthless.
pain is all i feel. emotional pain.
sadness, fear, guilt, shame, all of it, it just, feels awful.
hopefully after talking with eileen tonight i’ll feel better. i hope so. i am happy i get to talk to eileen. that is what is keeping me going right now.
butterfly hugs
loves you,
emily

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Break in

My sisters house was broken into today. She went out shopping and had set her house alarm and when she got home the door was kicked in and the alarm was going off. They ramsacked the house and took all the money out of her savings jar. 200 euro was taken. She isnt sure if anything else was taken or not but it doesnt look like it was. She is here now at mom and dads with the kids. She had her partner ring the police and they came to the house. She’s staying here tonight. Am not sure if she’s going to go back to live there. I know if I knew my house was trashed and broken into by unknown people I wouldnt want to go back there. She’s devastated. She’s so upset as you would be. My heart goes out to her and the kids. Her oldest lauren whose 10 knows what happened but davin whose 5 doesnt know. Its an awful situation to be in. So triggering to her and the kids. I’m just glad she had a place to go, a safe place to stay tonight.
carol anne

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Therapy talk: Reaching out and making new friends

so i talked some in therapy today. we talked about how i miss my friends in jess’s system. i had good friends in her system and now i dont ever talk to them since they are in residential. i miss them so much. i feel sad that i cant talk to them when i want to. we used to email every day. we used to talk on the phone also. and of course we saw each other when we’d visit them in person too.
i told eileen that im afraid to let myself get close to another person or make friends in other systems because what if something happens and we dont talk, or what if something goes wrong.
eileen said its like being on an island, your alone on an island, surrounded by water, and afraid to reach out and connect with anyone. she said she knows im afraid but not doing it not connecting with others is cutting myself off from people.
she encouraged me to try to make some new friends. try to reach out. so i said i will try.
Butterfly hugs
Love
Emily, age 12

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