words hurt us

“i dont know why your being assessed”
“there is nothing wrong with you”
“your wasting peoples time and money”
“you are not sikck”
“you must love going to doctors”

all spoken by our dad. words hurt. my heart is empty and heavy. the grief is weighing heavily on my heart tonight.

i wanted mom to go to our assessment on friday. i wanted it so bad. i wanted her to go to support us.

but she said no. a firm no.

“why would i go”

“your being assessed, not me”
“I have no business being there”

“its pointless me going”

nothing about i know its hard so I’ll go to support you. it fucking hurts.

?

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i am just so sad

i feel sad. i dont know why. i just feel sad. has that ever happened to you?

i dont like it. i dont like the way my tummy feels. or the way my heart feels so sad. sad and hurting.

i think i will cuddle my stuff tiger. she is a white bengal tiger. those are my favourite.

maybe if i cuddle her and wrap up in a warm blanket it will start to feel safe and i will start to feel better again.

allie 9

i want a mom that will last forever

i’m sad. I am listening to this song. it always makes me cry but I listen to it anyway because it says it way better than I can what i’d like in a mom.

I wish I had a forever mom, I still want Eileen or dr. barry, even if I can only wish it…

allie

He can be so critical

sometimes my dad is such a dick head. yes, he can be an asshole. I love him most of the time, but not tonight.

He just made me feel like shit. Not that he’s not done that 1000 times in my life already, but did he really have to do it tonight when I was already feeling bad?

I was talking to mom tonight about nitro’s trainer coming to do some route training with us. She wanted to teach me how to get to the city centre from where I now live on the bus. I was nervous about it, but willing to try it out.

She wanted my mom to be there for the first time while she did the route just as far as the local bus stop with me. Just so my mom could help me practice it and get familiar with it.

So I was telling mom this. And my dad butts in with dont bother going, she’ll never do it. Lovely, dad. Thanks for having a little bit of confidence in my abilities.

So then he continues with why would you want to get the bus when you can get a taxi to where your going? I tried to say because I need to work Nitro more. Then he keeps on with well when nitro retires you shouldnt get another dog, you will never learn this bus route, dont even try.

What a fucking idiot! And now thanks to his very critical outburst I feel like fucking crap.

I wonder if everyone thinks I’m a failure because I dont do enough work with nitro? And I cant go a lot of places by myself?

Obviously my dad does.

Dear karen

dear karen
you’ve been a very important part of our team for the past four years. I hope you realise just how special you are to all of us. You walked into our life when we were at a particularly bad place mental health wise. Back then to us you were just another social worker, we didnt think much of you. But over the months your kindness melted our heart. Your genuine warmth, caring, kind, compassionate way was just wonderful. You were the kind of social worker who loved their job, and who cared for their patients. Everything you did you did 150 percent. You were always on top of your game. If you said you were going to do something, you always delivered. We loved you for that. We also loved you for your sense of humour, your total acceptance of our did diagnosis, your ability to engage us even when we wanted to run, even when we wanted to just shut you out, and shut down completely. Dr. barry said we did the engaging, we chose to engage, but I really think you made it so easy, and we couldnt help loving you and wanting to have an attachment to you. Oh how I will miss you when your gone. We all will. I think when wednesday comes around I am going to cry my eyes out. When we hug, I dont think I’ll be able to pull away. I dont want you to see me being a snotty mess, but I think its inevitable. I think it will happen, will you judge me for it? No, I dont think you will. I think you might even shed a little tear yourself. Your a big softy really lol. I hope you’ll always remember us as much as we will remember you. You will always have a special place in our hearts. We will never forget you Karen, ever. When I think of you and when I am facing hard things or hard times, I will be saying “what would Karen r say”.
Your one in a million,
love always
all of us

triggered by my sister and my niece

kids, i’m glad i dont have any sometimes. like right now.

my niece just got sent to bed. she’d been arguing with her brother, tormenting him, making him cry, he’s four, she’s nine…

so my sister got tired of it and shouted at her and sent her to bed. she put up a fight but now she’s in bed. and still from bed she’s causing trouble, she put a chair against the door so no one can get into the room.

so why then do i feel bad for her?

i guess i feel bad because my sisters shouting at her triggered something in me. fear. it triggered me back to a place of fear, fear when i’d be yelled at for something small.

i know my sister has a right to discipline her and she should, i’m not saying that she shouldnt, i’m just saying it triggered me and makes me feel like i should do something to help her somehow.

i wont, but i wish i could. but i do realise she has to learn. there are consequences for her actions. and misbehaving and making her four year old brother cry is not nice.

granted he’s not an angel either, but tonight she’s been particularly feisty and mean spirited.

I hope tomorrows better, thats all I can say.

Sad sad news

Dr. barry gave me some sad news today. No, she’s not leaving, dont worry, but her social worker Karen is. She got a promotion. I am so very sad and will miss her so much. She is a fantastic social worker. She was just so good at her job, good at getting things done. Dr. Barry said that the whole team will be sad to see her go. I asked dr. Barry if I could say goodbye to karen, since I’ve had a pretty intense relationship with her and even when her role within the team changed, she kept me on as one of her clients. She helped me get CCTV for my house. She helped me apply for extra PA hours. She’s been there for me while I was in the hospital and feeling very fragile. One time I was very emotional and crying and she came in and sat on my bed talking to me for ages. I’ll never forget that. And I’ll never forget Karen. She will have a lasting impact on my life, she will remain in my heart. Dr. Barry said that she’d organise for me to say goodbye to her next week. I bet that will be so sad. I hope she lets me give her a hug. Today I gave dr. Barry a card to give to her, it was just a card I made for her showing my appreciation for all she’s done for me. Dr. barry said that she’d ask someone else on the team probably the community mental health nurse sarah to look out for me, and be there if I need to contact someone in between seeing dr. barry but she hasnt spoken to her yet about it so she said she’d do that and get back to me about it. I didnt cry when she told me about karen but I felt the tears prick the back of my eyes. I really dont want her to go. There is going to be a huge hole in my heart when she’s gone. Hopefully Karen will have fond memories of our time working together. I know she was always so accepting of our did and she actually knew me by name she always called us Carol anne not shirley which is our bodys name. I hope she wont forget me. I know she loved Nitro so I know she will remember me for having him at least. But I hope she remembers more about me than just me having Nitro. I will miss her though a lot.

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