I feel so broken!

I feel so broken. I feel lost. Just awful.
Am feeling so depressed. Depressed and overwhelmed.
I slept for all of an hour. I went to bed at 1 AM. Tossed and turned for a while but eventually slept but only for an hour.
I brought Nitro on the bed with me. But he didnt want to stay there with me. He jumped off.
I wish I didnt feel so bad. Its a really horrible place to be in.
I emailed Eileen. She wont get it until tomorrow, I hope she will read it then. Im not sure exactly what day she leaves to go to spain. I was thinking it might be saturday but I dont know. I forgot to ask her.
I have a mentoring apt this morning. I am also working today. I am really having to push myself. I really dont want to go out. I want to stay curled up in my bed at home staring at the four walls. I will go out, but it will be a real struggle for me.
Right now I feel so anxious, and so overwhelmed. And it sucks.

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Song of the day…speechless, from aladdin

I love this song. I can relate to it right now. I feel like this at the moment. Too much going on in my head at the moment to try to explain so I will just put the song here.

Amy, age 15

Apathy

I feel a little down. It sorta came out of the blue. I just feel crummy. My mood dipped. I feel some apathy. I really want to feel good. Why do I have to feel so low? I hate it. I was having a nice afternoon, now why this? Sucks. I just want to be in a good mood. I had a bath, a long soak helped a little. That felt nice. I’m glad I did something nice for me. Now to just get my mood back on track again.

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Pain its etched all over her face

That look
Pure terror
Written all over her face
She tries
So hard
To erase
The pain
Its etched on her face
Hard to let others in
She tries in vein
to hide it
but…
No matter what she does
Its still there
Feels like it will never go away
So to distract from it
She gets up
Goes to the kitchen
Makes a coffee
Runs a bubble bath
Has a long hot soak in it
Hoping that these little things
Make her feel ok again
Only time will tell

Rip grandad, gone but never forgotten

Today marks four years since my grandad passed away. That time has flown by. I cant believe he’s been dead four years. It sure doesn’t feel like it.

I still miss him every day. He was my moms dad. A huge part of my life. I think of him every day, thoughts of him are never far away.

He always wanted me to try to lose weight. Now that I am, I pray to him to look down on me, and keep me motivated. I think he does. I feel his presence around me on most days.

Rip grandad, bill. You were such an inspiration to me.

I will leave you all with the song we played at his funeral, at the crematorium. Its a fitting song. He was 80 years old when he died.

Rest in peace, I love you always!

Poetry

Here I sit
feel overwhelm building
What a feeling
I really hate how I feel
Try to conceal
It doesnt work
Feel so hurt
A look, a word
Makes me feel so unheard
I start to cry
Why, oh why?
Do I have to feel so low
Why does it seem to be all I know?
Each day I try
that today is the day
When I will feel better!
I continue to sit
Emotions shift
I hope, I pray

Will I feel this way tomorrow?
I hope not…
For now though, I think my brain has been shot!

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Feeling off

I woke up feeling bla. I just feel off. I don’t know why! I just woke up numb, then I went from feeling numb to just feeling down. Now I feel so depressed. I cant shake it. I think I need to do something to distract. I ate a banana, and drank 2 cups of tea. I was hoping the tea would make me feel better. It didn’t. Thank god I have therapy tomorrow. I badly need it.