Here I sit
feel overwhelm building
What a feeling
I really hate how I feel
Try to conceal
It doesnt work
Feel so hurt
A look, a word
Makes me feel so unheard
I start to cry
Why, oh why?
Do I have to feel so low
Why does it seem to be all I know?
Each day I try
that today is the day
When I will feel better!
I continue to sit
I hope, I pray
Will I feel this way tomorrow?
I hope not…
For now though, I think my brain has been shot!
I woke up feeling bla. I just feel off. I don’t know why! I just woke up numb, then I went from feeling numb to just feeling down. Now I feel so depressed. I cant shake it. I think I need to do something to distract. I ate a banana, and drank 2 cups of tea. I was hoping the tea would make me feel better. It didn’t. Thank god I have therapy tomorrow. I badly need it.
I am in the office now about to start my shift.
We lost another client. I just found out on the way here. In the car.
She died of natural causes. My supervisor thinks she died of a heart attack. I had only recently started talking to her, so I didnt know her that well.
She’d been a client of friendly call for a while though.
But she was only on my list for the last few weeks.
She was in her sixties. She was ill with stomach issues, her stomach was quite swollen, but nobody really knew why, she didnt even know.
she’d seen a few doctors about it. She also had mental health difficulties.
My supervisor said they’d done some work for her around the house, like cutting her lawn and a few other little things like fixing her tv and stuff.
Its sad she passed away so suddenly. It was a shock to me when I found out.
I hope she’s at peace now and in no more pain.
Looks like I might not be going to the UK for my cousins funeral after all. Mom and me had a long talk, and we’ve decided that we may just not go. The reason is this. My aunt, thats our cousins mom, she called us yesterday, asked us to bring her over a bottle of vodka, she’s an alcoholic, but she has been off of the vodka for a while now. She knows we’re coming, and now she’s asked us to buy it for her, saying she is going to find the funeral hard to cope with. The thing is her husband doesnt know she’s asked us. She waited until he was out to ring us. Thats because she knows he wouldnt be at all pleased. If he knew she’d done this there would be trouble. Mom and me dont want to go over there and end up looking disrespectful, or look bad because we’ve brought it to her. Her daughters and son would be so angry, and rightly so. We dont want to do this at all. Mom doesnt want to tell her that we dont want to do it though. She is scared I think. Scared of what she’ll say to us. So mom has decided that if we dont go, she’ll just tell her that she’s ill and we cant come. I know its hiding the truth, and it would be better if we could tell the truth, and say she’s put us under pressure, but we just dont feel able to do it. We havent fully decided yet, but by tomorrow we will decide one way or the other. We’ve already booked our flights, so we’re going to lose that money if we dont go. We really cant go with this hanging over us though. What if she had it and drinks it on the day of the funeral like she’s planning to do. She’ll be drunk, and when she’s drunk she’s not very nice. The fact that she hasnt had any vodka in a while, means it will go to her head quicker. We dont want her husband to be mad at us. Or say we’re disrespecting his dead daughter, by bringing alcohol to his wife. So its best we just dont go. Sad to have to do it but its necessary. Definitely now its looking likely that we wont be going. But if we do decide to go, we’ll just not take any alcohol to her, I am pretty sure though mom doesnt want to have that confrontation with my aunt. Mom hates conflict of any kind. She’d rather avoid it if possible. If we dont end up going, I’ll just think of my cousin alison on Monday morning, at the time her funeral is on. Maybe I can light a candle for her or something to show her I’m thinking of her and I can also say prayers for her.
OUR COUSINS FUNERAL IS NEXT WEEK, ON THE 11TH OF MARCH. WE’RE PLANNING ON GOING, IF OUR AUNT CAN PUT US UP FOR 2 NIGHTS, OTHERWISE WE’LL HAVE TO GETA HOTEL OR B AND B FOR THE TWO NIGHTS. HOPEFULLY WE CAN STAY AT OUR AUNTS HOUSE. WE HAVE TO FLY TO THE UK, AND THEN GET A TRAIN TO OUR AUNTS. OUR MOM, SISTER, AND TWO AUNTS ARE ALSO GOING. THE FUNERAL IS ON THE MONDAY MORNING, WE’LL LEAVE TO GO TO IT ON SUNDAY MORNING, AND COME HOME AGAIN ON TUESDAY EVENING, MY COUSIN ALISON IS BEING CREMATED. ITS GOING TO BE SO SAD. I AM NOT AT ALL LOOKING FORWARD TO IT. IT WILL JUST BE THE SADDEST THING. HER SON JORDAN IS GETTING OUT OF PRISON FOR IT, BUT A PRISON GUARD WILL BE AT THE FUNERAL WITH HIM. THAT PART TO ME IS VERY VERY HEARTBREAKING. SO NEXT WEEKEND ON SUNDAY TO THE TUESDAY I’LL BE OUT OF COMMISSION. I DONT THINK I’LL BRING MY LAPTOP. IF I CAN I WILL AND IF I CANT I’LL JUST LEAVE IT. I’LL HAVE MY PHONE BUT I WONT BE CHECKING MY EMAIL GROUPS. OR MY BLOG. SO JUST IN CASE ANYONE IS WONDERING WHERE WE ARE, OR WHY, THATS THE REASON. I HOPE WE’LL GET THROUGH THIS OK, I WANT TO GO, I WANT TO BE THERE TO SUPPORT MY FAMILY, I LOVED MY COUSIN AND I WANT TO DO THIS FOR HER. I AM JUST HOPING IT ALL GOES OFF OK.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.
Someone said that to me today. In response to me saying I felt unstable.
Seems a rather odd thing to say, but on reflection its so true. And that my friends is more than one line, but oh well. It is what it is.
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Todays Prompt: Write a piece using the phrase;explicit emotion
her eyes leak
as she sits
shaking like a leaf
it builds and builds
its a tornado
written all over her face
fear, so so much fear
she grips the table
as her head swims
everything begins to blurr
she starts to remember
holding her breath
she starts to cry again
but that fear
the fear of knowing but not wanting to know
what happened to her
is so real
And she thinks
She’s going to die from it.
Shirley, our host wrote this poem, in response to thinking about her childhood and what happened to her during it.