april who is 8

im not felin safe tonight
i fel so sad
my hart hurts
we’re all sad in here
i wish i was at eileens ofise
it helps me wen she holds me
i fel protected then
safe and warm and loved
i wish she was here now
april 8

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Little parts remembering abuse

im feeling really weird. on edge. agitated. unsettled. unsteady and unstable. it feels awful. i dont feel well at all tonight. i can see myself at age 2.5. living with mom and dad, in dads familys house. with his mother, brother and sister. i see them all drinking, drinking a lot. always drinking. i remember things. lots of bits of memories. lotsof fragments. i remember the yelling. so much yelling. i remember the fear as dad would be drunk, yelling at his brother and sister. yelling at his mom too.
me and our mom we’d be in the bedroom trying to sleep. both being very scared. mom was only 18. she had us at 17. we’d try to make sure she was ok. we’d try to take care of her. we tried so hard. even at 2.5 years old, we knew. we knew this wasnt the way things were supposed to be. we knew then. it was mostly emily and her insiders fronting then. and shirley, and us. shirley couldnt handle it though, so emily would, and us, her insiders, we’d also handle it. now we have lots of infants and toddlers in here. who remember. they remember it all.
tonight we’re just so so sad. all of it it just hurts. i hurt. em is hurting. jade made us some tea. and we have our blanket, and we snuggled with nitro. we talked to our friend too on the phone. that did help some.
we told eileen some of this today. she said we should never have had to do what we had to do. no child should take care of the adults. thats not how its supposed to be. but thats how it was for us.
my heart is aching. my stomach swirling. my eyes burning. my head pounding. my body just feels, awful. i feel, awful. i wish this would end. someone make it stop. i cant do this.
Sassy, age 13, one of ems insiders

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What if?

sitting here
living in fear
fear he’ll find me
if he does
what then?
what will he do?
what will be my fate?
silence as i sit
shiver and quiver
my next move
and contemplate
his, too.

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staring blankly ahead
numb, disengaged
numb to everything
everyone around her going on with life
as she sits and tries to breathe
rapid heartbeat
shallow breath
feeling so unsettled
unstable, the instability is the worst thing
she hears others voices
sees them in front of her
they try to engage with her
but she cant engage with them
she cant speak
for if she does
a torent of tears
will escape her eyes
slide down her face
why? why is she so sad?
haunted by memories
memories of horrible things
in her past
the memories, last
unable to stand them now
not for another minute
so she somehow starts to try
to distract
to engage her mind
as time ticks by
ever so slowly
and she ponders
is it going to be like this forever?

Wide awake

its gone 3 AM. i’m wide awake. i felt hungry so got some grapes. i just cannot sleep. i’ve been trying and trying. so i just gave in and got up. my body is sore and i keep having flashbacks. i feel so dissociative. so on edge. the flashbacks are strong. i just feel sad and alone tonight.

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