This week is full of triggers for us. Tonight there is a super moon, and moon phases always send us into a spiral, because we are survivors of ritualistic abuse. Then there is pass over, and easter, both of which trigger us, but we are determined to make this easter weekend special for the littles. I’ve bought them an easter egg, a reeces peanut butter cup one. Its a surprise for them, they dont know I’ve bought it. I am determined on easter sunday to sit down in the afternoon, watch a movie, and eat chocolate. Tonight though I am feeling very unsettled, the moon phase has triggered some flashbacks for us. I am glad I am blind at times like this, because I cant see the moon, but I hate the flashbacks. They make me feel awful. I am just feeling super anxious tonight, and I cant settle to be able to sleep. Its 11 Pm now and I am wide awake, and I’d say I’ll be awake for a while. If anyones around could use a bit of support and send me good vibes too.
We made it! We’re ok and we got through last night in one piece!
I know for some of you its still the 21st!
For me though its now sunday the 22nd! And I am safe! I made it and we’re ok!
We mostly slept through it! We went to bed really early. And we did actually sleep surprise surprise!
No trigger nightmares either thank god!
And when I logged on to my computer just now there were no triggery emails from unwanted people from our past! Yay! So so glad!
its just gone 4:30 in the morning now. I’m up for the day I think. I’m feeling rejuvenated and refreshed. And I am happy we made it safely through the winter solstice.
I’d love to go make myself a coffee but everyone is still asleep and I’d only wake them up so I’ll just drink my water for now.
I’m dreading the upcoming winter solstace. I’m so afraid of it. So much bad stuff happened to us when we were younger on that night. It fills me with panic, dread and fear.
I’m glad I’ll be at our parents for it. I’m already trying to plan for it. The kids are already freaked out. And if I am honest? So am I!
I am hoping when I see Eileen on thursday she’ll have some advice for us on how to handle it. I mean you’d think we’d be used to it by now, it comes every year. But every year we’re scared and freaking out on or around that date.
I am hoping this year will be different. I just hate all the trauma thats wrapped up in that date. So much trauma. So many memories. Its horrible.
its ash. im one of emilys insiders. one of her darks. im 18 years old.
today we talked with eileen, well i did. i talked a lot about the abusers, and the kinds of things they’d do to us. it was so hard. it felt wrong to be talking about it, but then I knew I had to, talking is the only way of healing, we have to break our silence, and let down our guard. I trust Eileen enough to be able to do that with her.
i was telling eileen how the abusers trained us not to feel pain. the cult abusers I mean. they’d torture us and hurt us so bad, until we’d create more parts to deal with the pain and then eventually we’d create insiders who just were blank, numb, didnt feel any pain at all, even when the worse pain was going on.
it was just awful. the worst thing is too that the cult created certain insiders, they created them and so now they know their names, they know how to get to us through those insiders. so when we try not to respond to them, they have a bunch of insiders that they created who will respond. my sister zara talked to eileen too today, and she told her that if she saw an email come in from one of the abusers, that she isnt sure she wouldnt answer it, she was just being honest, and eileen really appreciated her honesty.
we havent had back and forth contact with the abusers for months now. yes they’ve tried, they’ve tried to get hold of us, they’ve tried phoning, emailing etc etc. but liz or Carol anne always catch the emails and delete them before anyone who might be tempted can respond to them. which is really good. eileen thinks it is too. she said she’s proud of us and how far we’ve come in the last couple of years. there was a time when all we did was get constantly hurt by the abusers, there was some insiders here with us who’d constantly take us to them, they’d take us off to dublin and we’d end up being raped or hurt in some other sick way.
it was a tough session today. eileen said we need to just go slow with all this. she said its not really about telling the story, so much as its about how we are from having gone through what we did, how we are now because of it. that made a whole lot of sense to me.
all the talk of cult abuse and abusers started when we were having a conversation about SE, SE stands for somatic experience therapy, that is what eileen is training in, she’s training in how to be a somatic experience practicioner. we talked about trauma, the nervous system and how trauma is stored up in our bodies, and that led on to me telling eileen about the fact that we dont feel pain even when we should, I gave an example of putting our hands in a sink of scalding hot water, and not realising we’d gotten burned, because there was no cold water in the sink, only hot. We never realised until it was too late, and the pain didnt register with us at all.
so much to think about, I’ll be processing this for a while this week, I think.
I am so nervous
I feel it all over my body
Of this time of year
I hate it
October is one of our worst months
We get so scared
Monsters are real
at least they were in our childhood
happened on the lead up
to halloween night
all I want
is for the memories
to go away
and leave me be
its hard to live in fear
of being so overwhelmed
that you sink
i could have been beautiful
but you spattered me with blood
i might have been graceful
but you knocked me into the mud
i could have been courageous
but you crumpled me into a ball
i might have been brave
but you made me feel so small
i could have been intelegent
but you taught me not to try
i might have been brilliant
but you told me the truth is a lie
i could have been trusting
but your promises lay broken
i might have been confiding
but you taught me to leave everything unspoken
i could have been independent
but you left so many needs unfilled
i might of been self-reliant
but you made it so i couldn’t rebuild
i could have been whole
but you tore me all apart
i might have been so much more
but you destroyed my growing heart
This is a poem about my experiences of being a child abuse survivor, this was written to my abusers.
they are color and sound and smell,
they are feelings
everything but words
and no way of dealing
how can i understand this?
was it something bad that’s spinning
why does all this come back
i can’t make sense of the beginning
a world of crazy swirls
where is my voice, before i had one
i cant find the way to talk about
all that needs to be said about what was done
how can i express pain?
when all i know is what’s inside
the tears come, but i cannot tell you
why, even after i’ve cried
am i locked in this place?
stuck in the past with no way of escape
will i always wonder how to describe
all the things that took shape
Written by an alter
Jessa, age 13