SO AS I SAID, THERAPY YESTERDAY WAS A SHIT SHOW! REALLY, WE WERE A MESS. IT WAS BAD. SO, SO HARD. WE GOT THROUGH IT THOUGH IN ONE PIECE, THANKS TO EILEEN.
THE DARKS WERE MOSTLY OUT. SOME FURTHER BACK ONES, SOME FROM MY SYSTEM, BUT ONES WHO DONT TALK MUCH, OR INTERACT MUCH ON THE OUTSIDE OR WITH PEOPLE. THEY DIDNT WANT TO INTERACT EITHER IN THERAPY, BUT EILEEN BASICALLY SAID SHE REALLY WANTED TO TALK TO ONE OF THEM, AND SHE’D BE SO APPRECIATIVE IF ONE OF THEM CAME FORWARD, AND SO THEY DID, ASTRA DID.
ASTRA IS AN ADULT. I AM NOT SURE HOW OLD SHE IS, MAYBE MID 20’S.
SHE TALKED TO EILEEN ABOUT THE RECENT CONTACT FROM ABUSERS, AND SHE BASICALLY TOLD EILEEN THAT THINGS ARE REALLY BAD, AND THERE IS WAY MORE CONTACT GOING ON THAT WE ORIGINALLY THOUGHT. ITS NOT THAT PEOPLE ARE CONTACTING ABUSERS, BUT THE ABUSERS ARE CONTACTING US, AND CONTINUING TO TRY TO GET TO US, EVEN THOUGH WE ARENT RESPONDING. THIS IN TURN IS BRINGING DARKS TO THE FRONT WHO ARENT NORMALLY OUT. FORCING THEM TO TRY TO RESPOND, BECAUSE, WELL, ITS ALL THEY KNOW, ITS WHAT THEY KNOW, IT IS HOW THEY’VE ALWAYS DONE THINGS.
SO BASICALLY THINGS ARE A HUGE MESS. ASTRA WAS ALSO WORRIED ABOUT OUR INFO, WHO WAS EILEEN GIVING INFO TO, WHAT WAS SHE SAYING ABOUT US TO OTHER PEOPLE. SO THEY HAD A LONG TALK ABOUT THERAPY AND CONFIDENTIALITY AND WHO EILEEN IS SHARING THINGS WITH. BASICALLY EILEEN TOLD HER SHE DOESNT SHARE OUR INFO WITH ANYONE, AND THE ONLY TIME SHE’D HAVE TO WOULD BE IF WE SAID WE WERE GOING TO KILL OURSELVES, THEN SHE SAID SHE’D HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO GET IN TOUCH WITH DR. BARRY. BUT OTHER THAN THAT SHE SAID NOT TO WORRY, OUR INFO IS SAFE, NO ONE HAS ACCESS TO ANY OF IT.
ASTRA TOLD HER AN OLD THERAPIST OF OURS HAD USED INFO AGAINST US IN THE PAST. EILEEN SAID THAT THAT WAS REABUSING US. SHE APOLOGISED AND SAID HOW AWFUL THAT MUST HAVE BEEN FOR US. SHE ASKED ASTRA IF SHE’D LIKE TO CHANGE, LIKE WENDY HAD, AND WILLOW AND PIXIE. ASTRA SAID SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT IT. SHE SAID SHE MIGHT, BUT THAT SHE IS SCARED. EILEEN OFFERED TO HELP HER IF SHE WANTED THE SUPPORT. SHE SAID SHE’D THINK SOME MORE ON IT.
I AM HOPEFUL SHE WILL. IN THE MEANTIME I NEED TO THINK WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO BLOCK THESE BASTARDS AND PRICKS AND CREEPS FROM GETTING TO US. THEY DONT NEED TO HAVE ACCESS. THE THING IS, SOME OF THE DARKER INSIDERS, I SHOULD NOT CALL THEM DARKS, BUT THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE KNOWN AS, JUST BECAUSE OF THE NATURE OF THEIR ABUSE. BUT ANYWAY, SOME OF THEM THEY DONT WANT TO ENGAGE IN THERAPY OR CHANGE. THEY ARE JUST HAPPY TO BE HOW THEY ARE, I THINK THEM CONTACTING ABUSERS IS MEETING SOME NEEDS THEY HAVE, OR EILEEN SEEMS TO THINK IT IS. WE ME AND EILEEN TALKED A LITTLE ABOUT THEM POSSIBLY LETTING GO OF THE PAST, THE ABUSERS, THE ABUSE FROM THEIR LIVES, AND THAT SEEMED TO TRIGGER THEM A GREAT DEAL.
SO I REALLY AM NOT SURE AT THIS POINT HOW TO PROCEED, BUT I KNOW WHATEVER HAPPENS I HAVE EILEEN IN MY CORNER, AND THAT IS HELPING A GREAT DEAL.
WE CAME HOME AFTER OUR SESSION YESTERDAY AND BASICALLY SLEPT ALL EVENING. WE WERE JUST EXHAUSTED. WE COULDNT DO MUCH OF ANYTHING, IT TOOK SO MUCH OUT OF US JUST TO BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT ALL THIS STUFF YESTERDAY.
BUT I AM GLAD WE DID. I AM GLAD ITS COMING OUT NOW. ITS BETTER THAT IT COME OUT NOW THAN STAY INSIDE OF US FOREVER.
HERE I AM UP AT 1 AM NOT ABLE TO SLEEP. SO I THOUGHT I’D WRITE. I THOUGHT I’D PARTICIPATE IN BEE’S BLOG PORMPT WHICH SHE POSTED A FEW DAYS AGO NOW. SO BELOW FIND MY POEM, MY SCRIBBLES, WITH THE PROMPT WORDS, SNOW WHITE!
IN A SNOW WHITE DRESS
BAREFOOT AND FEAR GRIPPING HER
TWISTING AND TURNING INSIDE OF HER
THE FEAR MULTIPLIES AS THE MEN ENTER
THEY WALK TOWARDS HER
PULL OFF HER SNOW WHITE DRESS
START TO TOUCH HER
IN WAYS SHE HATES
CAUSING MORE FEAR TO GRIP HER HEART
HER DRESS LIES ON THE FLOOR
TORN AND TATTERED
BROKEN AND BRUISED
SHE TRIES TO FREE HERSELF
BUT ALAS SHE CANT
FLIES AWAY UP UP AND AWAY
ABOVE HER BODY SHE HOVERS
WAITS FOR THIS TO JUST BE OVER
SO EILEEN EMAILED US TONIGHT. IT WAS A SURPRISE. WE WERENT EXPECTING AN EMAIL FROM HER.ACTUALLY, SHE SENT IT YESTERDAY, THE DAY OF THE SOLSTACE, BUT WE DIDNT GO ONLINE THEN, SO WHEN WE LOGGED IN TONIGHT THERE IT WAS WAITING FOR US.
SHE’S SUCH A GEM TO DO THAT FOR US. I LOVE HER FOR IT.
HERES WHAT SHE SAID IN IT…
Thinking of you all today. Hope that you can place memories of today on the past and allow in the care that is available to you in your life now. Hope you all have a lovely peaceful Christmas with loads of fun! Eileen
SHORT AND SWEET BUT, SO AWESOME!
AND I SAID THIS BACK TO HER…
THANKS EILEEN! WE’RE OK, WE GOT THROUGH IT. SOMEHOW WE DID. THANK GOD!
THANKS FOR THINKING OF US! WE LOVE YOU FOR IT!
WE GOT A NEW MAC BOOK PRO TODAY! WE’RE IN LEARNING ALL ABOUT IT MODE NOW!
ITS FAB! LOVING IT! OF COURSE WE’RE APPLE CHICKS ALL THE WAY!
IT WAS A LOVELY SURPRISE TO GET IT! I AM CONSTANTLY AMAZED AT HER DEDICATION TO US, HER JUST KNOWING WHEN TO EMAIL, WHEN ONE IS NEEDED, SHE JUST SEEMS TO KNOW AND DOES THESE LITTLE NICE KIND THINGS ON A WHIM. I LOVE HER FOR IT!
ITS LIZ. IM FEELING VERY DOWN. IM VERY STRESSED. ITS NOTHING THAT ANYONE DID OR DIDNT DO. I JUST AM FEELING LOW MOOD WISE. AND VERY OVERWHELMED. I’VE HAD A LOT TO MANAGE WITH MY SYSTEM. THERE IS MUCH INTERNAL CHAOS AND FIGHTING. ITS NOT GOOD. MY EMOTIONS ARE BLOODY ALL OVER THE PLACE. I FEEL LIKE I’M SPINNING AND CANT STOP. I JUST FEEL LIKE UTTER CRAP. MY FIREND DID A LOVELY THING FOR ME. SHE LIT SOME CANDLES AND USED ESSENTIAL OILS AND IT WAS MEANT TO MAYBE TRY TO GET RID OF BAD OR NEGATIVE ENERGY I MIGHT BE FEELING, AND TO MAYBE HELP ME FEEL SOME BETTER, AND I HAVE TO SAY IT WORKED YESTERDAY, BUT TODAY, TODAY I AM BACK TO FEELING LIKE SHIT. OF COURSE THE WINTER SOLSTACE IS ALMOST HERE. THATS PROBABLY A REASON I FEEL THIS WAY TOO. IN FACT I’M PRETTY SURE OF IT. BEING A RA SURVIVOR SUCKS. IT REALLY JUST FUCKING SUCKS. YOU HAVE NO PEACE, NO END TO THE TRIGGERS, OR TRIGGERING THAT HAPPENS, UG. RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE JUST BREAKING DOWN. IM FEELING SO EMOTIONAL. LIKE I JUST WANT TO BURST INTO TEARS. BUT I CANT. I CANT BECAUSE I HAVE TO STAY STRONG. I HAVE TO STAY STRONG FOR EVERYONE ELSE. THEY ALL THINK I AM SO STRONG. I AM SO CAPABLE OF GETTING THINGS DONE. HELL EVEN EILEEN SAID THAT TO ME. SHE SAID I GET THINGS DONE, AND I DO IT WELL. BUT MAN GUYS IM NOT WELL. I JUST DONT FEEL WELL. 5 DAYS TO CHRISTMAS. CAN I MAKE IT? I DONT KNOW. I HOPE I CAN. I JUST HOPE I CAN.
ITS LIZ HERE. IM DEALING WITH A LOT IN MY OWN SYSTEM INSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE DARKS ARE NOT VERY HAPPY. NOT REALLY SURE WHY. WELL THERE IS THE FACT THEY’VE HAD TO DEAL WITH THEIR MEMORIES PRETTY MUCH ON THEIR OWN SINCE THERE WAS NO THERAPY LAST WEEK. EILEEN HAD SAID TO TEXT HER OR EMAIL HER BUT THEY ARE REFUSING TO DO THAT. NOT SURE WHY. I DIDNT EVEN GET TO TELL HER TODAY ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON. MAYBE I’LL JUST EMAIL HER IN A FEW MINUTES TO TELL HER. I FEEL ITS IMPORTANT SHE KNOWS THEY ARE STRUGGLING. THESE ARENT KIDS EITHER. THEY ARE ADULTS AND TEENS MOSTLY. JUST THAT THEY ARE DARKS IN OUR SYSTEM. IM PRETTY PISSED ACTUALLY ABOUT IT ALL. I DONT LIKE WHEN PEOPLE IN MY SYSTEM ARE ARGUING AND THERE IS A LOT OF THAT SHIT GOING ON RIGHT NOW. A LOT OF INTERNAL FIGHTING AND UNEASE AND UNREST. PEOPLE ARE BEING VERY VIOLENT TOO. ONE OR TWO INSIDERS ARE GOING INTO BLIND RAGES. I’VE HAD TO BREAK UP A FEW FIGHTS LATELY. ITS FRUSTRATING. SO YEAH I THINK AN EMAIL TO EILEEN IS IN ORDER. THE FACT THAT WE HAD THAT ACCIDENT IS SHITTY, BAD TIMING IF YOU ASK ME. WE NEVER DEALT WITH THE HALLOWEEN STUFF THAT CAME UP. NOW HALLOWEEN IS OVER PEOPLE THINK ITS JUST OVER. THE MEMORIES HAVE DISAPPEARED. BUT THEY HAVENT. ITS JUST NOT HOW IT WORKS. THEY STILL RUN FOR US. JUST BECAUSE THE DAY HAS PASSED DOESNT MEAN SHIT TO US REALLY. IM JUST IRRITABLE. AND A LITTLE ANGRY THAT THERAPY WAS TAKEN UP TODAY WITH THAT DAMN ACCIDENT. THAT DAMN DICKHEAD WHO HIT US, SHOULD BE SHOT OR PUNISHED BY SOME OTHER FUCKING MEANS. WHAT AN ASSHOLE. WE HAD TO PROCESS HIS STUPIDITY INSTEAD OF DEALING WITH OUR PAST. DAMN ANYWAY.
And octobers finally over! Halloween is behind us! I am just so thrilled that its finally november!
I had therapy this morning. I am incredibly tired now. It was a painful session. We processed the accident. We couldnt decide on what to work on at first, but we went with processing the accident since we’re still having so many ptsd symptoms from it.
I will write more on it later. Right now I need to rest for a while. I think I’ll go read. Halloween is over for another year, and I’ve never been happier about that.
woke up a few mins ago. cant go back to sleep. gonna stay up. feeling a little bit scared but trying not to be. i hate the dark though. got up and made some tea. that feels good. going to sit here and read emails and respond to them. thanks for all of the support that all of you gave em earlier. i really appreciate it. so glad she’s reaching out. she finds it so hard to reach out. so its so nice of you all to comment to her and help support her. its now officially halloween here. although the hard part for us doesnt begin until later tonight. im just glad we’re seeing dr. barry this morning. i put on the radio to drown out my thoughts. maybe music will help me. mostly it always does. ok going to go make some more tea.