I am so nervous
I feel it all over my body
Of this time of year
I hate it
October is one of our worst months
We get so scared
Monsters are real
at least they were in our childhood
happened on the lead up
to halloween night
all I want
is for the memories
to go away
and leave me be
its hard to live in fear
of being so overwhelmed
that you sink
i could have been beautiful
but you spattered me with blood
i might have been graceful
but you knocked me into the mud
i could have been courageous
but you crumpled me into a ball
i might have been brave
but you made me feel so small
i could have been intelegent
but you taught me not to try
i might have been brilliant
but you told me the truth is a lie
i could have been trusting
but your promises lay broken
i might have been confiding
but you taught me to leave everything unspoken
i could have been independent
but you left so many needs unfilled
i might of been self-reliant
but you made it so i couldn’t rebuild
i could have been whole
but you tore me all apart
i might have been so much more
but you destroyed my growing heart
This is a poem about my experiences of being a child abuse survivor, this was written to my abusers.
they are color and sound and smell,
they are feelings
everything but words
and no way of dealing
how can i understand this?
was it something bad that’s spinning
why does all this come back
i can’t make sense of the beginning
a world of crazy swirls
where is my voice, before i had one
i cant find the way to talk about
all that needs to be said about what was done
how can i express pain?
when all i know is what’s inside
the tears come, but i cannot tell you
why, even after i’ve cried
am i locked in this place?
stuck in the past with no way of escape
will i always wonder how to describe
all the things that took shape
Written by an alter
Jessa, age 13
Today is the summer solstice, one of the worst days for us. Its because of SRA, for those who don’t know we are survivors of a cult, and survivors of ritualistic abuse, and the cult used the solstice as a time to abuse us, it was a major cult holiday.
We’ve been feeling off all evening. I ate to try to cope with how I was feeling. I got take away food, something I haven’t done since Christmas, I’m sorry I did that now. But I just wanted to purge the feelings, stuff them down. I didn’t want to have to feel them.
I haven’t slept great tonight. At least Anna got to have a phone check in with Eileen though. She texted Eileen yesterday because she was still feeling upset after receiving an unwanted email the night before, and even though wendy deleted it, she still felt bad. Eileen offered to have a phone check in with her, so we did last night. That felt good, reassuring, calming.
Eileen always knows how to make us feel safe.
She knows just what to say to be reassuring!
I just need to get through today in one piece!
I dont think I’m going to go into work. I don’t feel up to it. I just think I will go to my parents after my pa leaves this morning.
I need to try to take things easy today. Try to relax, and do some self care.
My names Anna. Im 13.
Im so scared! I feel so out of it!
I wrote our therapist Eileen. I emailed her.
I told her I am nervous to write, I dont wanna bother her!
I feel so scared though!
A horrible person from our past contacted us and threatened me!
And I am so nervous maybe I should just respond to them. It would probably not be good, but maybe they’d go away then?
Willow and Wendy said no! They said not to do it!
So I wrote Eileen and I told her what happened and then I made some tea.
I hope I can go back to sleep but I dont know if I can!
Just feel out of sorts!
Anna who is 13
I WOKE UP FEELING AWFUL. I THINK ITS THE FACT THAT THE SPRING EQUANOX JUST PASSED. I AM A SRA SURVIVOR, SRA STANDS FOR SATANIC RITUAL ABUSE, WE SURVIVED BEING IN A CULT FOR 11 YEARS. BEING IN THAT CULT WAS HELL. THEY TURN EVERYTHING ON ITS HEAD. GOOD DAYS ARE BAD. SPECIAL DAYS ARE MADE INTO DAYS OF TERROR. ALL HOLIDAYS ARE JUST SO AWFUL.
THIS MORNING I FEEL NUMB. I TRIED TO NAME MY FEELINGS BUT I CANT. I CANT GO THERE RIGHT NOW. I FEEL NUMB AND THERE IS A DULL ACHE IN THE PIT OF MY STOMACH.
I WANT TO CRY, SCREAM, BUT I CANT. IM JUST AN UNFEELING MESS. TO FEEL IS TOO TERRIFYING.
I TOOK A SHOWER, MADE SOME TEA, AND ATE SOMETHING. THAT HAS HELPED A LITTLE. I THINK I NEED TO TAKE THINGS EASY THIS MORNING. NOT DO TOO MUCH. JUST GO SLOW. REMIND MYSELF THAT THINGS WILL CHANGE, AS THEY ALWAYS DO.
WE’RE GOING VOLUNTEERING LATER. CAROL ANNE WILL GO. I’M GOING TO STAY INSIDE I THINK. IT IS BEST IF I DO THAT.
FOR NOW THOUGH I’M GOING TO VEG IN FRONT OF THE TV.
SO AS I SAID, THERAPY YESTERDAY WAS A SHIT SHOW! REALLY, WE WERE A MESS. IT WAS BAD. SO, SO HARD. WE GOT THROUGH IT THOUGH IN ONE PIECE, THANKS TO EILEEN.
THE DARKS WERE MOSTLY OUT. SOME FURTHER BACK ONES, SOME FROM MY SYSTEM, BUT ONES WHO DONT TALK MUCH, OR INTERACT MUCH ON THE OUTSIDE OR WITH PEOPLE. THEY DIDNT WANT TO INTERACT EITHER IN THERAPY, BUT EILEEN BASICALLY SAID SHE REALLY WANTED TO TALK TO ONE OF THEM, AND SHE’D BE SO APPRECIATIVE IF ONE OF THEM CAME FORWARD, AND SO THEY DID, ASTRA DID.
ASTRA IS AN ADULT. I AM NOT SURE HOW OLD SHE IS, MAYBE MID 20’S.
SHE TALKED TO EILEEN ABOUT THE RECENT CONTACT FROM ABUSERS, AND SHE BASICALLY TOLD EILEEN THAT THINGS ARE REALLY BAD, AND THERE IS WAY MORE CONTACT GOING ON THAT WE ORIGINALLY THOUGHT. ITS NOT THAT PEOPLE ARE CONTACTING ABUSERS, BUT THE ABUSERS ARE CONTACTING US, AND CONTINUING TO TRY TO GET TO US, EVEN THOUGH WE ARENT RESPONDING. THIS IN TURN IS BRINGING DARKS TO THE FRONT WHO ARENT NORMALLY OUT. FORCING THEM TO TRY TO RESPOND, BECAUSE, WELL, ITS ALL THEY KNOW, ITS WHAT THEY KNOW, IT IS HOW THEY’VE ALWAYS DONE THINGS.
SO BASICALLY THINGS ARE A HUGE MESS. ASTRA WAS ALSO WORRIED ABOUT OUR INFO, WHO WAS EILEEN GIVING INFO TO, WHAT WAS SHE SAYING ABOUT US TO OTHER PEOPLE. SO THEY HAD A LONG TALK ABOUT THERAPY AND CONFIDENTIALITY AND WHO EILEEN IS SHARING THINGS WITH. BASICALLY EILEEN TOLD HER SHE DOESNT SHARE OUR INFO WITH ANYONE, AND THE ONLY TIME SHE’D HAVE TO WOULD BE IF WE SAID WE WERE GOING TO KILL OURSELVES, THEN SHE SAID SHE’D HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY TO GET IN TOUCH WITH DR. BARRY. BUT OTHER THAN THAT SHE SAID NOT TO WORRY, OUR INFO IS SAFE, NO ONE HAS ACCESS TO ANY OF IT.
ASTRA TOLD HER AN OLD THERAPIST OF OURS HAD USED INFO AGAINST US IN THE PAST. EILEEN SAID THAT THAT WAS REABUSING US. SHE APOLOGISED AND SAID HOW AWFUL THAT MUST HAVE BEEN FOR US. SHE ASKED ASTRA IF SHE’D LIKE TO CHANGE, LIKE WENDY HAD, AND WILLOW AND PIXIE. ASTRA SAID SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT IT. SHE SAID SHE MIGHT, BUT THAT SHE IS SCARED. EILEEN OFFERED TO HELP HER IF SHE WANTED THE SUPPORT. SHE SAID SHE’D THINK SOME MORE ON IT.
I AM HOPEFUL SHE WILL. IN THE MEANTIME I NEED TO THINK WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO BLOCK THESE BASTARDS AND PRICKS AND CREEPS FROM GETTING TO US. THEY DONT NEED TO HAVE ACCESS. THE THING IS, SOME OF THE DARKER INSIDERS, I SHOULD NOT CALL THEM DARKS, BUT THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE KNOWN AS, JUST BECAUSE OF THE NATURE OF THEIR ABUSE. BUT ANYWAY, SOME OF THEM THEY DONT WANT TO ENGAGE IN THERAPY OR CHANGE. THEY ARE JUST HAPPY TO BE HOW THEY ARE, I THINK THEM CONTACTING ABUSERS IS MEETING SOME NEEDS THEY HAVE, OR EILEEN SEEMS TO THINK IT IS. WE ME AND EILEEN TALKED A LITTLE ABOUT THEM POSSIBLY LETTING GO OF THE PAST, THE ABUSERS, THE ABUSE FROM THEIR LIVES, AND THAT SEEMED TO TRIGGER THEM A GREAT DEAL.
SO I REALLY AM NOT SURE AT THIS POINT HOW TO PROCEED, BUT I KNOW WHATEVER HAPPENS I HAVE EILEEN IN MY CORNER, AND THAT IS HELPING A GREAT DEAL.
WE CAME HOME AFTER OUR SESSION YESTERDAY AND BASICALLY SLEPT ALL EVENING. WE WERE JUST EXHAUSTED. WE COULDNT DO MUCH OF ANYTHING, IT TOOK SO MUCH OUT OF US JUST TO BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT ALL THIS STUFF YESTERDAY.
BUT I AM GLAD WE DID. I AM GLAD ITS COMING OUT NOW. ITS BETTER THAT IT COME OUT NOW THAN STAY INSIDE OF US FOREVER.