HELLOWEEN IS NEAR, OH DEAR

YES. I’VE STARTED TO CALL THAT FUCKING DATE THAT HAPPENS THIS COMING TUESDAY HELLOWEEN, BECAUSE HELL IS WHAT WE WENT THROUGH ON THAT DATE FOR YEARS. WE ARE DREADING IT. LUCKILY FOR US WE HAVE THERAPY ON TUESDAY, WHICH IS GOOD, WE’LL NEED IT. THE KIDS ARE FREAKED OUT. HELL I AM EVEN FREAKED OUT. IT IS NOT GOOD. AND ITS EVERYWHERE. IN THE STORES. IN PEOPLES HOUSES WHAT WITH DECORATIONS AND COSTUMES AND STUFF. ITS SO COMMERCIALISED NOWADAYS. I JUST HOPE WE CAN GET THROUGH IT WITHOUT BECOMING A HOT MESS.
LIZ

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stupid dumb poem by allie

slowly ticks the clock
the sound seems to mock
we’d go to bed but we forgot
memories make our brain rot
sun down to sun up we sit
thinking and thinking on it
the moon peaking in
reminds us of blood and sin
nightly torture deep in the past
so many years ago.. but it lasts
no way to shut off our mind
so day after day you’ll find
insomnia

allie

Halloween haunts me

the leaves change and it’s there
the reminder, a subtle dare
can i look back, do i want to see
will i ever get to just be
skeletons in my closet seem
to haunt me in my every dream
and the ghosts of the past arent silent
as the memories rage at me so violent
will a jack-o-lantern ever make me smile
or will the glowing face always be vile
children’s costumes hanging in the store
i want it to mean less, but it keeps being more
night brings fear, the smell of bon fires swell
i have no choice but to breathe in my own personal hell
laughter and drinking, parties and screaming in the night
they really don’t know the true meaning of fright

ria

down day

today was a down day. i slept a lot. when i am depressed sleeping is all i seem to want to do.
i only got up to eat dinner. then tonight mom said my two aunts were coming over, she encouraged me to come sit with them and chat and stuff. so i did.
i think its a good thing i’m at my parents house this weekend. with the trigger dates, and stuff, it would not be a good idea for me to be home on my own.
mom wants to call to see her brother tomorrow night and she wants me to come with her too. i’ll probably go all going well.
i just need to stay busy, keep my mind occupied and keep distracted. then the weekend wont seem so long and will go by quickly.

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I dont want to talk, I dont want to go!

its Keris. Eileen hasnt emailed me back. I really could care less if she does or doesnt. I just want to cancel on her.

I feel like nobody gets it. Nobody gets me. Nobody understands. I was contacted by one of my abusers. He wants me to meet him. Everyone says I shouldnt do it. But I have to! There will be trouble if I dont.

When I tried to talk to Eileen about it on Monday, she asked me why I was telling her.

I’m wondering why your telling me?
I dont know.
Just notice, why its important to tell me about this?
Ok so like if you dont want to hear it just tell me and I’ll shut up!

It feels like she’s shutting me down! Like what I have to say doesnt matter at all!
You seem in a little bit of a daze Keris?
Yes, it feels that way. I feel stuck. I feel really confused.
I dont know then from now. Everything is hazy.

So rather than talk about it next week, I just want to cancel. Give up on therapy. That would be easier. Better for everyone. I dont matter. I just need to do what I need to do. Even if its dangerous.

I dont think you really want to Keris? Do you?
I dont know! I dont know what I want!

How old are you? I dont want to tell you! Its not safe!

So she still doesnt know my age. But I am 13. 13 is not a good age. Its an odd number. Its not a safe number.

My abuser says I should stop going to therapy. I dont know what is true and what is lies! He has me all confused! I just feel like I am not capable of making a decision! I wish Eileen would email me!

Maybe she doesnt want me to come any more? Maybe she’s tired of me?

keris

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