I CANT TALK IN THERAPY TODAY, I CANT I CANT I FEEL UNSAFE I WANT TO TALK REALLY I DO BUT I FEEL SO UNSAFE LIZ SAYS EILEEN IS OK AND TRUSTWORTHY AND SAFE I THINK SHE IS I’VE SEEN HER TALKING TO LIZ AND TO OTHERS IN MY SYSTEM INSIDE BUT I AM SO NERVOUS I THINK I HAVE A NO TALK PROGRAMME BEING ACTIVATED I JUST FEEL SO SCARED…
I am waiting with anticipation for this day to be over. I’m really really upset and anxious right now. And very very triggered by this day.
I just want it to end. Please let it end soon. Just over 2 hours to go until its midnight here. God the time is going so slowly.
As darkness falls I get more and more upset. My nightmare begins. I start to remember. I start to remember every bad thing that happened to me in childhood. The rituals. The cult. The meetings they’d take me to. The abuse.
God, oh god, it feels unbearable, remembering.
So I go and make myself a cup of tea. maybe the tea will soothe me. I can hope. I pat nitro. His fur soft underneath my shaking hand. Oh how I love him. He always knows what to do to give me a little encouragement.
I sit and I wait and I drink my tea. And I hope, and look to tomorrow with anticipation that it will be a better day.
Anticipation-word of the day June 19th
Todays #whatif prompt over at what if we all care is…deep into the woods.
Since today is the summer solstace and a very hard day for us due to us being ritual abuse survivors, I thought we could write a poem encorporating the prompt.
deep into the woods we go
what will happen we just dont know
anything is likely
things you’d never endure
they’d shock you
bring you to your knees
abuse, torture, awful awful memories
child porn, rape and sexual abuse
all part of rituals
that we had to take part in
even though we were just kids
never given a choice
it was just do it now
or you’ll end up dead
and on this date
we are always so terrified
and very scared
SO I SPENT MOST OF TODAY TRYING TO KEEP US SAFE, MAKING SURE NOTHING HAPPENED TO US, THAT THERE WAS NO INSTANCES OF ANYONE HERE CONTACTING PEOPLE FROM OUR PAST.
NOW ITS 11 PM AND I’M BEAT. AN HOUR TO GO AND THE DAY IS ALL OVER. THANK FUCK. I’M SO READY TO GO TO BED AND GO TO SLEEP.
UNFORTUNATELY MY MIND AND BRAIN HAVE OTHER IDEAS THOUGH. SLEEP IS NOT ON THE AGENDA IT WOULD SEEM. SO INSTEAD I WILL TURN ON A TV SHOW AND WATCH IT UNTIL I GET TIRED.
WISH ME LUCK GUYS! I’M SOOOO GLAD WE MADE IT AND GOT THROUGH TODAY.
never have I needed dr. barry more than I do now.
thank god my apt is tomorrow morning. i didnt plan it to be that my apt would be this week, but now i am thankful it is. i am thankful it fell during this week because of it being may day today and we’re having a hard time of it with that.
therapy and seeing dr. barry in the same week, thats great. i’m so happy both apts fell on the same week.
i dont know if dr. barry remembered that today is may day. i mean everyone knows about may day, but no one knows the significance of it for me due to being a sra survivor.
im sure if she looks back at my notes she’ll remember. she usually does look at them before i go in to see her. so probably she’ll know, but i plan on telling her anyway.
i’ll be just so happy when today is over. we’re really struggling to get through it. its hell.
I fell asleep last night around 2 AM. once I went to sleep though I stayed asleep. was glad about that.
I stayed in bed really late today, until 11:30. mostly because I didn’t wanna face the day.
I figured if I didn’t get up then the day would just pass me by and I wouldn’t have to deal with it.
finally though I got up and ate. spent time being with my mom and sister. my sister took our dad to visit his brother in the nursing home, and moms going to pick up my nephew from school. so I have the house to myself for a little while at least.
I’m trying not to think about today being may 1st. its working to a degree. of course logically I know it is may 1st. but am just trying to focus on other things, and keep th e memories of awful things that happened away.
wish me luck…
its 11:15 PM. almost may 1st. almost midnight.
i can feel my heart rate rising, i can feel the panic of some of the children inside rising. they are very afraid.
im trying my best to comfort them. im trying to let them know i am here, and i will protect them.
not easy when you are feeling like a failure. like you cant protect yourself so how can you protect them?
god. i hate this night. i really just want to sleep. but im thinking i am probably not going to sleep much tonight.
if you can send good vibes prayers thoughts to me that will be very much appreciated by me and by all fo us.