Here is the second part of the post related to attachment and therapy stuff from yesterday.
I sat there silently trying to think whether I’d say what I was feeling or not to Eileen. I decided to just go for it.
Me: Eileen, there are so many times when I just want to ask you questions, questions about yourself, i just want to find out about you, about your life. But I get scared, scared in case your going to be mad at me for asking, scared in case you dont answer, or say no to answering, I couldnt handle the rejection.
I get that, I really do, Eileen said. But I also get that there are other parts that dont want to know.
Ok so its not about the will I tell or wont I tell, she said. Just notice for a second, where is this coming from, where are the origins of this wanting to know about me coming from? What would that give you? Notice for a moment why your so frustrated with that.
Well, I said slowly. Its the being connected, knowing what foods you like, or when your birthday is, knowing that, I’d feel more connected, because, well because I could say when I eat those foods, oh eileen likes this, or when its your birthday date or month, I could say todays eileens birthday, and feel the connection to you.
ok, she said, i am hearing that you’d really like a relationship, more than just a theraputic kind of relationship with me, is that it? Is that what you’d like.
I just want it to be more real, i said, I just want to know certain things about you, I just…um…I just…I dont know eileen, i just dont know!
ok so like, i dont want you to be just like a therapisty sorta person, you know?
and I’m not saying you are, but sometimes, our relationship seems like its unequal, you know, because well, you know all this stuff about me but I dont know much about you?
you know what I think? she said. It is striking me at the moment how much your missing jess. “jess is my partner in long term residential psychiatric care in Illinois”. I do, i said, sadly, I do really miss her. Eileen went on, talking really softly. Maybe you want to roll me up into all sorts, someone you can have a relationship with, someone you can do therapy with, someone you can attach to, someone your attracted to, all in one, someone that can be there all of the time to fill all of the needs, am i right? I dont know what I want eileen, i stammered, all I know its one big confusing mess.
It sounds like it was very hard to have your relationship change, so that its not equal any more, she said.
Yes, I said, and you cant get that back. Its gone, changed, not replaceable.
I know, she softly said.
and then there is the part of me that desperately wants to run in and rescue jess, and would do it in a heartbeat if I could, I said, but I cant, because I am too far away.
And you want to mother her? Eileen said?
Yes, that too, I said. I was always the one in the relationship who did that mostly anyway.
Yes, eileen said, I know, and it was with the hope of maybe other parts could get their needs met in ways by doing that too.
I get that, she said, and i can well imagine the longing for that need, and the frustration of that as well, the frustration of me, as your therapist, I cant be all of those things, or all of those people, I cant, and I get how frustrated you are at that.
I am imagining you feel angry at me too about it? No, I said, not angry, just a resignation, a kind of hopelessness about it all.
we sat then in silence for a couple of minutes, me almost crying, then eileen said, i understand how it is for each and every insider, I do, I really do. But I know that understanding it is not going to fix it, I know that doesnt really cut it.
No, I said, but I do feel validated, and thats important to me. So thank you for understanding, and thank you for validating my feelings.
Session to be continued in the next part
I miss my partner. I miss her so much. I wish she wasnt in a residential psych unit.
she’s 6000 miles from me. and i miss her. i miss everything about her.
i miss her calling me munchy. i miss calling her jess mess.
i miss how she knew me, knew every little thing about me, i’d say, besides eileen and dr. barry, she is the one person who truly knew everything about me.
she knows my good points, and my flaws, she knew what triggered me, just like I knew similar things about her. I still know them.
I can talk to her if I call her. But other than that we dont talk. She’ll be in residential 2 years in May. And there is no sign of her moving out of that place she’s in.
I wish I could go visit her. But I cant.
I am beyond upset and sad and frustrated. i just want to talk to her, save her. but I cant.
If I could I would go there and take her out of there and move in with her and look after her take care of her and her insiders.
I would do that for them, give up my own care here and move to america to be with them.
but its not that simple.
Why is nothing simple?
its Keris. Eileen hasnt emailed me back. I really could care less if she does or doesnt. I just want to cancel on her.
I feel like nobody gets it. Nobody gets me. Nobody understands. I was contacted by one of my abusers. He wants me to meet him. Everyone says I shouldnt do it. But I have to! There will be trouble if I dont.
When I tried to talk to Eileen about it on Monday, she asked me why I was telling her.
I’m wondering why your telling me?
I dont know.
Just notice, why its important to tell me about this?
Ok so like if you dont want to hear it just tell me and I’ll shut up!
It feels like she’s shutting me down! Like what I have to say doesnt matter at all!
You seem in a little bit of a daze Keris?
Yes, it feels that way. I feel stuck. I feel really confused.
I dont know then from now. Everything is hazy.
So rather than talk about it next week, I just want to cancel. Give up on therapy. That would be easier. Better for everyone. I dont matter. I just need to do what I need to do. Even if its dangerous.
I dont think you really want to Keris? Do you?
I dont know! I dont know what I want!
How old are you? I dont want to tell you! Its not safe!
So she still doesnt know my age. But I am 13. 13 is not a good age. Its an odd number. Its not a safe number.
My abuser says I should stop going to therapy. I dont know what is true and what is lies! He has me all confused! I just feel like I am not capable of making a decision! I wish Eileen would email me!
Maybe she doesnt want me to come any more? Maybe she’s tired of me?
I’ve been thinking. I always thought I was a lesbian and only had feelings for women. But now I realise thats not totally true. And I think I may actually be BI. I like men a little, not as much as I like women but I do like them and have been with one man sexually a couple times in the past. In fact it is the friend I am visiting this weekend. No we havent been sexual. And we arent going to be. But I do like him and I think I like him in more than just a friend sorta way.
Does that make me bad? I mean I have a partner. But things havent been ok for us for a while. For one thing she is liveing in the USA. Long distance relationships are hard at the best of times. Add in to the mix that she is in in a residential psych unit and I dont talk to her often. And when we do talk I am always the one asking her how she is and I seem to be the one who worries about her etc. She rarely asks me anything about my life now or how I am or anything. Everything during our conversations centres around her.
My needs arent being met at all in the relationship. And it makes me sad because I really do love her. And I only want the best for her.
But all this has just made me think of my sexuality and how nowadays even though I am in a relationship it isnt really working out. And I dont knwow what to do.
Any advice appreciated.
I just got off the phone with my partner Jess. Jess is currently residing in a nursing home for people with psychiatric issues. I had called her yesterday but she wouldnt talk to me. She seemed really upset but she didnt say why, she just said she’d found out something and she needed time to process it. So I let her go and decided to call back again this morning. So she was able to tell me today what it was that she was upset about. Her moms, who is her adoptive mom has ended their relationship quite abruptly. She sent Jess a typed letter. In it she said that she didnt want to live with Jess any more, that they werent good for one another. She said Jess would have to find somewhere else to live and if she didnt get her stuff out of her house very soon she’d be throwing it out. Imagine that? Who does that sort of thing. I know she isnt her legal birth mom and is only her adoptive mom but still. When you adopt its for life right? I am so sad for Jess. Obviously she’s very upset by all this. After I talked to her I called the nurses station for an update on how things were going for her at the nursing home but the nurse who was on duty wasnt very talkative and didnt tell me much other than telling me that Jess had ate breakfast and taken her meds and was doing well for the most part. What do you all think of what her mom did, literally dumping her and ending their relationship? Only a week ago this woman was taking jess to the grocery store to buy snacks, and taking her to mcdonalds. It doesnt make any sense that she’s doing this now. This kinda on off relationship is not good for Jess’s mental health. She’s insecure enough already and she really doesnt need all this on top of everything else going on. And to do it in a letter? To not even tell her personally? Its disgusting if you ask me. I mean this womans been her mom since she was 10, she’s 38 now. How could she be so cruel? Just because Jess has a couple of mental illnesses its ok to just dump her like this and not even care? I’m just stunned and shocked by the coldness of it all.
Day 16: Something that you miss
I miss not being able to talk to my partner every day. Right now she is in a psychiatric nursing home and we dont get to talk on the phone so often. Its hard and I miss our deep conversations.