Poetry, survival

Ice cold and numb to the bone

Trying to survive this all alone

Flashes of fright before my eyes

Cant get away from the bad guys

Seizing me in my dreams at night

I am unable even then to take flight

My response always seems the same

Inflicting pain, accepting the shame

I cant believe that I had no control then

I place my thoughts on the should have been

Why did I not once fight back, i wonder

Anger inside like rolling thunder

For all that happened I must blame me

Fault is placed on who its got to be

They are innocent and should be loved

Loyalty puts all above

Doesnt matter what they did

Doesnt matter I was just a kid

Its only right I give them all

Including my life, as to my knees I fall

I remain led by the fires light

As to my soul they hold tight

I give to them what they do not deserve

And for myself leave nothing in reserve

carol anne


fuck you, You didnt win!

he moulded me
groomed me into
someone he wanted me to be
but who i didnt want to be
he took my virginity
never caring about my innocence
left used
and abused
out in the cold
raped, day after day
neverending torture
captured, seemed like it would be forever
but i never ever
gave up
and in the end
i got away
and am a stronger person because of it today
so you didnt win
you didnt break me
even though you wished you had

A rape of innocence

a little girl so scared and weak
afraid to tell the secret she keeps
feeling so alone in a world full of shame
a rape of innocence only causes such pain
a wounded heart and a broken soul
2 wicked things no child should know
god keep her safe this child of my heart
for this woman she’s become is falling apart
there is no way to escape this past of mine
or the scars I will carry for all time

Poem-Such a little girl

tied with satin ribbons and hair in golden curls
she sat alone, without a smile
her mind in such turmoil
why am i so bad?
her thoughts are in a whirl
her clothes are gone and she’s alone
such a little girl
its not a pretty story
its not a fairytale
its not an actress in a movie, pretending to be real
child pornography, paedophiles and rape
something we dont think about, because it makes us shake
people shake their heads and stammer
and pretend it isnt real
but what about the children that you could help to heal
each drop of rain that falls from the sky
helps to make a river rise
each child that suffers
is one that makes me cry
you think its tough to listen to, you think it hurts to much
think about us the children who had to go through this horrific stuff
lets help to spread awareness of lives that you can change
lets help to save all the children who are in so much unbearable pain.



I just had a really bad flashback. Sitting in a dark cold room, looking out the window, straining to see but all I saw was a camera. Pointing, tormenting, watching my every move. Every twitching muscle, every falling hair, every breath, every blink. Watching for the shots that would make them money. Beaten, broken, and bleeding on the floor they would touch, torment, tease and hurt with the camera there to watch every action, capture every scream. Sometimes there was drugs, sometimes not. Given by an injection. But always there was pain, scaredness, terror. It took them 3 days to make the film. What are they called? Pornographic films? Tied to a table, chained to a bed, instraments, animals, and men…masks, they wore masks but I still knew them, even though I couldnt see their faces. I lost everything when they did those things, my innocence, my dignity, my childhood, my freedom, my body, my mind, everything. I feel useless, worthless, unimportant, no good, ugly. I wish I could die this second. These memories are so hard to handle. The camera caught all of what they did to me. I had to scream though that wasnt hard but I also had to act because if I didnt they would hurt me more. Animals, they had animals rape me too for this film. 16 years old, nothing to look at. No one even knew I was missing for those days, no one cared what happened to me. I was left to die and now I wish I had. Why did I survive? I didnt die, why not? Why didnt they keep going? Why? I hurt so badly, I just want to die. I dont want this pain any more. I cant take it. I feel too weak now. Doubting myself, doubting others. Insane and crazy, my head is spinning with thoughts. Horrible ugly thoughts. I feel alone, rejected, unloved, worthless. Nobody cares, I’m just not worth the trouble. I’m too bad, too ugly and I scare everyone away, I’m too much, everyone runs when they find out my truth. I want to disappear or die. I just want the hurt to stop, please make it stop. Forever.



the police interview

the interview with the police went well. the two officers who came to my house were very nice. they told me they were specialists in interviewing people who have difficulty making a statement to the police. they reassured me that i didnt have to go ahead if i didnt want to. that they werent there to pressure me into talking. that if it was too much for me and too stressful that they understood. i told them that because of the did i was very stressed and anxious about talking to them. it helped that they’d read the report that dr. barry did before they came to my house. so what we did was this. i didnt go ahead and make a statement. instead they wrote a few lines saying that it was too stressful for me at this time due to my did and due to the fact we were really fearful of our abuser. then after they wrote that one of them read it back to me and i signed it and we left it at that. i am happy with the outcome. they had told me that if they investigated that it could possibly go to court and i’d have had to give evidence in court. there is no way i could do that. i know for a fact that it would cause switching and a whole lot of stress. so i think i did the right thing for now. they told me that in the future if i need anything to go directly to them. and if i changed my mind in the future the file would still be there but for now it wont go any further. that is a relief to us.

apprehension about tomorrows visit from the police

well tomorrows the day. the day the police come to interview me about what happened. about the sexual assault that took place a couple months ago. and i am scared. i dont know if i want to talk to them and make a statement. two females are coming to my house tomorrow at 3 pm. i suppose i’ll see what they have to say, what the next step is. that much cant hurt. i’m very fearful though. fearful of being hurt again. and also fearful of the police. we’ve had bad experiences with the police in the past. a couple of years ago when something similar happened to us we told a police officer and she acted like we were lying. so we dont trust the police. maybe this time it will be different. right now all the thoughts about the night of the assault, all the memories and thoughts of that night are swimming around in my head. and i feel so triggered. i am trying to hold on to the belief that eileen has in me that i can do this. i can get through it. i can use my coping strategies and resources and i can manage to pull it together enough to talk to the police tomorrow. i hope she is right. right now i’m having serious doubts about my ability to do this. i’m trying to blog and distract. i’m trying not to overthink things. but its night time and nights are the worst for me. i hate the night time and everything seems much worse during the night. if anyones around i could use some virtual support and hugs.