Interesting docuseries

I am watching a docuseries on R kelly. I watched surviving r kelly when it aired in january, it was very interesting, now this is a follow up to that. Its good. Its talking about the aftermath of surviving r kelly. They said after the docuseries that spotify put a mute button on their ap so that people could block artists that they didnt want to hear. They also said that there is a lot of convtroversary around the whole R kelly story. Did he do it, didnt he? Who knows if he did, but my gut feeling says he did. I mean all those women cant be lying? There are far too many women that have come forward for that. Its a pretty good documentary. Its a good thing that women are being able to have thier voices heard. Sexual abuse and rape is all too prevalent, its good that more celebrities are being shown up for what they did, just because they are stars doesnt mean they should get away with it. It just said on the show that after surviving r kelly aired, that calls to the survivors hotlines increased 10 fold. Sad I think that this is the case. But good that women are able to speak out now.

Nights suck

I cant sleep. I took my meds hours ago. I thought the prazosin would knock me out. I only take 3 mg of it, but as I said I haven’t been consistently taking it, I just started back taking it tonight. So I really thought that when I did take it I’d be out like a light. No such luck though. I’m still wide awake. I feel agitated, and edgy. My mind is racing. My thoughts are whirling and spinning. I just feel restless. I cannot seem to slow down. It is an awful feeling. I just want to sleep! I know I’ll be exhausted in the morning if I only get an hour or two or three tonight. This morning I woke early…I woke at 6 AM. I got up for an hour, but then at 7 I went back to bed and I slept again until 9 when mom woke me for breakfast. After eating breakfast I went right back to bed for another hour. Last night was pretty similar to tonight in that I couldn’t go to sleep. I was up late, I didn’t go to bed until after 1 AM. Looks like tonight will be similar for me. Well I think I’ll shut the laptop off now and read for a while. I started a new book. Its called asking for it and is by Louise O’neill. She’s an irish writer. The book is supposed to be good. Its about a girl a teenager who got raped and then the fall out from the rape that’s what the story is based on. Its fiction. I don’t normally read fiction but this looks good so I decided to read it. Well good night everyone, I hope you sleep well when you do eventually go to bed.

A victim of sexual abuse

Tears are always running down my face
I hang my head low thinking “what a disgrace?”
The tears are coming from all the damage you caused
What do you want now, a round of applause?

I’ve watched you rape and molest me right before my eyes
Now the only thing left to do is cry
You stole my virginity without my consent
PLEASE tell me why this is the way it went

All I wanted was for you to get off of me
But getting you off of me just wasn’t that easy
You hit me in my face then ripped my shirt
Then you pushed it in to the point where it hurt

I remember it like it was yesterday
Answer this, will I ever forget about this and be okay?
The thoughts are crucial & all I can do is cry
Sometimes I just think then ask myself “why didn’t I die?”

The bastard didn’t care if I lived or if I died
All he cared about was being satisfied
I feel dirty, I feel low, I feel used
I’ll always know that I’m a victim of sexual abuse!

Why?

Today I ask why

Why that man picked me

Yes Im asking why

Why could he not see

The pain and the suffering

That he would cause for me

Its just one thing after another

Its this nasty mind of mine

Memory after memory

You were way out of line

Why sir did you break me

For your own delight

Made me a target for others

Whos minds were not right

Wrong enough to hurt me

Until I couldnt take much more

Made myself a family

And to others shut the door

I have my help my system

Always there to say

Come on we can do It

Several times a day

You dont know how you scared me

Each time you came near

Even hurt me now

Enough to shed a tear

Today I really hate you

For that I dont ask why

I know its cause your sick inside

And you fucked a child dry

I cried til i could cry no more

After what you did

I cried because you made me hurt

In your perverse desperate bid

Your bid to fulfill your fantasy

Without any thought

No thought for my feelings

And from that you taught

Taught me to be tough

Not take any shit

Say no to perverts

Sick and twisted dicks

I hope you die you bastard

And I hope it hurts like fuck

Oh and I just want you to know

That what you did fucking sucks.

FUCK YOU!!!

LIZ

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

HOW MUCH I HATE YOU

HOW MUCH I DESPISE YOU

HOW MUCH I WANT TO HURT YOU

RIP YOUR DICK OFF

AND RIP YOUR EYES OUT

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

HOW FILLED WITH RAGE I AM

HOW IT FEELS TO LIVE

WITH FLASHBACKS DAILY

NIGHTMARES EACH NIGHT

LIVE IN A WORLD

WHERE YOUR AFRAID TO BREATHE

AFRAID TO MOVE

JUMP AT EVERY SOUND

AFRAID TO BE YOURSELF

AFRAID TO SPEAK

TO TELL ANYONE ANYTHING

FOR FEAR THEY WONT BELIEVE YOU

FOR FEAR THEY’LL REJECT YOU

IF YOU ONLY KNEW

WHAT ABUSE DID TO ME

WOULD IT CHANGE YOUR VIEW?

I DOUBT IT

I DOUBT YOUR CAPABLE OF LOVING ANYONE

YOUR A MONSTER

A CRUEL MONSTER

AN EVIL MONSTER

AN ABUSER

AND YOU NEED TO KNOW

THAT I HATE YOU

WITH a VENGENCE

AND I THINK YOU ARE DISGUSTING

YOU MAKE MY STOMACH CHURN

MAKE ME WANT TO THROW UP

YOU ARE NOTHING

A NOBODY

BUT YOU MADE SURE

THAT I WOULD BE LEFT

WITH A LIFE TIME OF SCARS

AND A LIFE TIME OF HEALING

FUCK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU DID TO ME

Poetry, survival

Ice cold and numb to the bone

Trying to survive this all alone

Flashes of fright before my eyes

Cant get away from the bad guys

Seizing me in my dreams at night

I am unable even then to take flight

My response always seems the same

Inflicting pain, accepting the shame

I cant believe that I had no control then

I place my thoughts on the should have been

Why did I not once fight back, i wonder

Anger inside like rolling thunder

For all that happened I must blame me

Fault is placed on who its got to be

They are innocent and should be loved

Loyalty puts all above

Doesnt matter what they did

Doesnt matter I was just a kid

Its only right I give them all

Including my life, as to my knees I fall

I remain led by the fires light

As to my soul they hold tight

I give to them what they do not deserve

And for myself leave nothing in reserve

carol anne

fuck you, You didnt win!

he moulded me
groomed me into
someone he wanted me to be
but who i didnt want to be
he took my virginity
never caring about my innocence
left used
bruised
and abused
abandoned
alone
out in the cold
raped, day after day
neverending torture
captured, seemed like it would be forever
but i never ever
gave up
and in the end
i got away
and am a stronger person because of it today
so you didnt win
you didnt break me
even though you wished you had