Very distressed

we are very distressed right now. the voices the two male voices we’ve been hearing are very strong. they are telling us to hurt ourselves. telling us we need to kill ourselves. we need to die. we need to just end it.

i am struggling to stay present. we are dissociating a lot right now. our anxiety is through the roof. on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the worst its at an 11. i asked denise if i could meet her to talk to her because colette is off today. she said she’d meet me for a few minutes at 1:45. i will see dr. barry tomorrow but I might get denise to ring her today.

I’m finding it hard to cope. I hate psychotic symptoms. I’m scared we’ll do something. I’m scared we’ll dissociate badly and do something while in a dissociative state.

I’m just so scared.

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quiet tuesday morning feeling low and not in a very good space mentally

i didnt sleep well at all. i finally lay down at like 5 am. and tried to sleep but couldnt.
i think i got maybe 2 hours. i woke at 7 30 and got up, because my pa kristen was coming and she arrived at about 8:30 am.
we went to pick up my prescription which took about half an hour with the traffic. the pharmacy tried to charge me for the prescription even though i brought back the last injection because i hadnt used it, and i asked them if i could do a swap which they allowed me to do but now they are trying to say i owe them for the new one. fuck that, i’m not paying.
we came home once i’d gotten the injection and kristen did some housework. she also helped me make lunch and i took that into the basement club. i let kristen go 20 minutes early, her dog is sick just had an operation and she wanted to go home and check on her before she went on to her next job.
i got a taxi into the basement club. the buses are on strike here so its really quiet this morning. there are only 2 of us in here me and another member called frank. i wanted to talk to my mentor colette but she is off today. i really could have done with the support.
my mood today is low. i am feeling quite despairing. i emailed eileen during the night in a terrible state. i was suicidal and feeling so alone and overwhelmed. i hope she’ll read it today. i know she wont respond but even though she wont the fact that she is reading is comforting.
i’m planning on staying here until about 5 pm. then i’ll go home and my home help will come help me cook dinner. i’m going to cook burgers. not the healthiest but i am craving them today. i think i’ll be down this week though. i weighed myself and it is looking likely because my scales is showing that i am down.
its a little chaotic inside today. lots of panic and fear and anxiety. i need to try to sit down and take notice of the parts and see what exactly is going on with them. will try to go in the quiet room in a while and do that.

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lexi talkin

it lexi. i thot to rite here. i hope that is ok. i need a frend. is anyone there? i am very sad.

i hug our rabbit. her name is nibbles. she is soft and fluffy. i love her.

nitro just came in the room. he is a good dog. i like to pat him. he makes me feel better.

i dont like be sad. i like it when i am happy. sometimes there is not much to be happy bout tho. specially when the bigs are all having a hard time.

tomorrow we see dr. barry. we have a card for her. it a st. patricks day card. we forgot to give it to her and last week she was on holiday so we are late giving it to her.

i hope she going to like it. its a pretty card. our friend made it for us to give to dr. barry. our friend is real good at making the cards.

well i gotta go cuz we gotta get ready to go out. bye for now.

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darkness falls
night calls
it whispers to me
come, sit, with me
my fears and anxieties
gets bigger as the night goes on
i dont know what to do
where to turn
so i turn to unhealthy coping skills
self harm, suicide
i feel so alone inside
wanting to cut
end it
just be done
so so numb
help me please
cant anyone see?
I am so needy

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Internal dialogue

You just need to die.
Your not worth anything, no one loves you. no one would miss you. do it, end it.
Do it now! Its not too late.
Come on, you dont need to think about it, just act, do what you’ve always done, act impulsively. dont think through the consequences.

These are the things the internal voices of psychosis are saying to me right now. Two male voices, who arent insiders, they are just voices that command me to do things, that command me to commit suicide.
I am feeling desperate. I need support. I need all of the friends and support people can give me right now.
I am scared. I am scared of these voices.
They are strong. Are they stronger than me? I think its getting to a point that yes, they are.

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I miss my partner. I miss her so much. I wish she wasnt in a residential psych unit.
she’s 6000 miles from me. and i miss her. i miss everything about her.
i miss her calling me munchy. i miss calling her jess mess.
i miss how she knew me, knew every little thing about me, i’d say, besides eileen and dr. barry, she is the one person who truly knew everything about me.
she knows my good points, and my flaws, she knew what triggered me, just like I knew similar things about her. I still know them.
I can talk to her if I call her. But other than that we dont talk. She’ll be in residential 2 years in May. And there is no sign of her moving out of that place she’s in.
I wish I could go visit her. But I cant.
I am beyond upset and sad and frustrated. i just want to talk to her, save her. but I cant.
If I could I would go there and take her out of there and move in with her and look after her take care of her and her insiders.
I would do that for them, give up my own care here and move to america to be with them.
but its not that simple.
Why is nothing simple?

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From a watcher in the system, I experienced therapy for the first time today

Hi. I am a watcher in our system. i dont feel safe enough to give my name yet. Today I came out during our therapy session. I had emailed eileen last week to tell her I wasnt coming in today. But then Carol anne took us anyway, I didnt get a choice in the matter. Carol anne was out at the beginning of our session. Then Eileen started talking about recieving the emails. And boom I was out. I just sorta fell into the body. Can you try to talk to me? Eileen asked. You are very welcome here. I welcome any of you to session. I sat there, hands covering my face, trembling. Whose this? She tried. I dont want to say, was my response. Ok, its ok, you dont have to tell me your name. But can you try to talk to me and tell me how your feeling? Ok, I will try. So I did. I hid my face in my hands though. I did not want her to see me! I dont want to be here, I said annoyed. I didnt want to come but I got no choice! Yes, she said softly. I got your email about that. I bet you didnt take much notice of it. I bet you thought she’ll be here, did you? No, actually I was thinking you might not show up! And if I didnt, would you have rang us? Yes! Of course! But I’m so glad you did come. Its much better that you came and are talking to me. I am happy about that. Your always welcome in this room. Always. You know why I hate therapy today and last week I did too? Why? Its because its going places where I dont want it to go. Oh, I get it! Yes! When we were processing those memories last week, I didnt feel safe. Have you ever watched what goes on in therapy before? Only for the last few weeks. Oh ok! So then you wouldnt know that I’ve been working with you for four and a half years. You wont be privy to the fact that this was the first time in all that time that we explored a memory. Yes in the past we’ve worked with memories a little bit, but in a really structured way. I imagine for you you just felt oh she is bulldozing her way in and it is not safe. But I’d be fool hardy to do that. This wont work unless we do it together. Are you a watcher in the system? Yes. And last week, you told allie that she needs to just be a kid and let go of her watcher role. I didnt choose my job, you know. I know that! You had to take what was on offer at the time! Yes, no one would ever choose to be a watcher, its a hard job. I wasnt saying you have to get rid of your jobs, I guess the reason i said that to allie was because she is only 9, and I know that sometimes she has to watch and the stuff she sees isnt age appropriate. How old are you? I’m 14. Ok. I’m not trying to strip your job from you. I think you and I would work really well together. You wont know this but I’ve spoken to others in the system about the window of tolerance. Knowing when enough is enough and when its too much. In between there is a window of tolerance, I am wondering if when we continue to process memories, that you and some of the other watchers can be on the look out and give me a sign when enough is enough and when you think its unsafe to do any more? Ok, I think I can do that. Great, this is the only way this will work. I need your help for it to work. How does it feel for me to say that how do you feel upon hearing it? I feel a lot better now. i feel good about working on safety issues together. Thats good. And you dont tell me anything unless you feel comfortable. I’ve never pumped any of you for info, but I know you wouldnt know that having only started watching in therapy recently. This is a process. We’ve spent four plus years working towards exploring the memories, and its a process, 2 steps forward, 1 step back, its not linear. ok? Ok. Thanks Eileen. I’m going inside now. Maybe I’ll come back some time soon and talk some more. Ok, see you soon then, it was nice talking to you today

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