i really miss you and need you, dr. barry

its me allie. i want to write to dr. barry.

hi dr barry. i miss you. i wanted to see you this week. i really did not want you to be on holiday. it hurts when you leave me even if its just for a week. my heart hurts then. i get jealous of you and your kids. because your kids are so lucky. they have you as a mom and i dont. and i am mad about that. i want you as my mom, you are kind and always nice to me. i bet you are nice to your kids too. i love you dr. barry. i just wish i could spend more time with you. i like coming out to talk to you when we have our appointments. but sometimes i am not sure if you prefer to talk to carol anne or liz. you never said that but sometimes i kinda get the feeling i’m annoying you or frustrating you. do you get tired of me wanting you to adopt me? i really want that dr. barry. please? can you just please adopt me? i promise to not be any trouble. carol anne says that cant happen. Sh e says i can wish it but it wont ever happen because if you did you’d be in so much trouble. i dont want you to be in trouble. heres the thing dr. barry. i hate that your on holidays this week. why did you leave me? i need you. I need to be able to see you and talk to you. It hurts that your not here. Please come back soon ok?

I need to just write

I cant sleep. I’m wide awake and its almost 3 AM. THis is crazy. I feel crazy. I feel anxious and overwhelmed. I’ve been thinking a lot tonight. About my situation and about being denied pa hours. Its really difficult. Am I not worthy of a service? Do the powers that be think I am not ill enough? I dont meet theire requirements? If I knew the requirements that would be something. As it is I dont. Dr. barry and Karen and mark have all put letters of recommendation in. They’ve outlined my issues, my diagnosis, my needs. Still nothing. Its making me angry and agitated and overwhelmed and irritated and filling me with rage. Parts want to rage at these people. Send them nasty emails. But we cant do that. Rationally I know this. The rational part of me is slowly fading tonight though. I’m a hot mess. I just want to crawl into bed and never get up. I go from angry to defeated. Its terrible and an awful feeling swinging between the two. I took a shower to try to calm myself down. I let the water run on my body and i cried. i cried because i feel worthless and alone and sad and useless. i feel defeated and like nothing i do is ever good enough, like i am not good enough to recieve services, so i have to suffer and struggle. please let this night end. i cant take any more.

anxious mess

i’m an anxious mess. an anxious crying mess to be precise.

i hate myself. i feel worthless. and useless. and disgusting, fat and disgusting.

every part of me hurts. my body feels gross. i just fucking hate me right now.

someone please shoot me. i’m done. i’m just done.

i cant do this anymore. i should have texted eileen. but i cant. i have to try to suck it up and move on and just deal. even though inside i’m silently screaming no. no more.

help, somebody help.

I’m Proud of my inner kids!

I have a very active inner child, many actually.

We play with dolls. We are not ashamed of it.

We sleep with stuffies. We love our stuffed animals. You can tell them absolutely anything, your secrets are always safe with them.

We play with toys, we own a lot of toys, from baby rattles, to lego, dolls, stuffies, and cars.

We love to eat candy, not weird, but well kinda fun right? Especially the pez dispensers.

We watch cartoons, and own many kids dvds and movies.

We love to go to the park, and swing on the swings, and climb the monkey bars, if we could fit we’d even slide down the slide!

We have did, so have inner kids, but even if we did not have did, we are just a big kid at heart! And we are very proud of it!

What is unique about you?

Do you have inner kids, or allow your inner child out to play?

irritated with myself

I tried to go on the treadmill just now for 20 minutes. I didnt succeed. I could only manage 10 minutes. I’m frustrated. How will I ever lose this weight if I cant even do 20 minutes of walking on the treadmill? I should try to cut myself some slack because I also did 10 minutes this morning. But I really wanted to do 20 minutes all at once. It looks like breaking the time up is something I’ll have to do for now. Anything to get the exercise in right? I’m aiming for 5 days of 20 mins a day. Broken up in to two 10 min slots. I need to see results next thursday on the scale. I’ve been doing so good with my food and drinking water and eating healthy stuff like fruit and vegetables. Its just this exercise thats getting me. Ug.