INTENSE THERAPY SESSION AND FOLLOW UP

YESTERDAY I HAD THEARPY TIME. THAT WAS VERY INTENSE. I DIDNT WANT TO BE THERE, I DIDNT WANT TO TALK, I DIDNT WANT TO DO THERAPY AT ALL. BUT I WAS NOMINATED TO BE THE SPOKESPERSON FOR THE DARK INSIDERS, SO I ENDED UP TALKING A WHOLE LOT. FIRST OF ALL I TALKED ABOUT A PAST ABUSER, HE HAD THREATENED ME, ON THE PHONE. HE TOLD ME I SHOULDNT TALK TO EILEEN, I SHOULDNT DISCLOSE ANY INFO AT ALL. I FELT LIKE I WAS DOING WRONG IN OPENING UP. LIKE I WAS GOING TO BE PUNISHED FOR IT. AND HE COULD GET TO ME, HE COULD DO SOMETHING TERRIBLE IF HE FOUND OUT I WAS SPEAKING ABOUT MY PAST. LOTS OF MY SYSTEM INSIDE WERE SCARED, THEY FELT LIKE WE COULD BE HURT LIKE WE WERE 2 YEARS AGO WHEN WE WERE ASSAULTED. THERE ARE INSIDERS WHO REPORT BACK TO ABUSERS, ITS PART OF THE RITUAL ABUSE. THEY TELL THEM WHAT WE’RE UP TO, WHATS GOING ON IN THERAPY ETC. ITS HARD TO BREAK THAT PATTERN, THEY FEEL LOYAL TO THE ABUSERS, HELL I USED TO FEEL LIKE THAT, SOMETIMES I STILL DO. AFTER TALKING SOME MORE ABOUT ALL THAT, I STARTED TO FEEL REALLY YOUNG, SO ME AND EILEEN WORKED WITH THE EMOTIONS OF THE YOUNG PART THAT WAS SURFACING. SHE WAS ABOUT 5, SHE FELT SAD, AND SHE JUST WANTED EILEEN. SHE NEEDED HER REASSURANCES AND LOVE. SHE STARTED TO FLOOD ME. I DID MY BEST BUT I STARTED TO GET FLOATY, AND DISORIENTATED. EILEEN WORKED TO SOOTHE THE PART, WE DIDNT HAVE HER NAME. BUT WE JUST KNEW SHE NEEDED TO BE HEARD. EILEEN HAD ME PLACE A HAND ON MY STOMACH AND ONE ON MY HEART, AND TRY TO FUNNEL MY WARMTH AND PROTECTION DOWN TO HER, BECAUSE SHE HAD ASKED ME HOW I FELT TOWARDS THIS PART AND I SAID PROTECTIVE. IT KIND OF WORKED BUT I KEPT GETTING OVERWHELMED. EVENTUALLY EILEEN HAD ME WALK AROUND THE ROOM WITH HER TO GROUND ME BACK TO THE PRESENT. THAT WAS HELPFUL. WE ALSO DRANK A GLASS OF WATER EACH TOO WHICH HELPED, THE COLDNESS OF THE WATER HELPED. I LEFT OK BUT THIS MORNING I GOT TRIGGERED INTO THAT VERY YOUNG PART AGAIN AND COULDNT GET OUT OF THE TRAUMATISED STATE SO ENDED UP PHONING EILEEN AND WE MADE A ROOM INSIDE WHERE THAT PART COULD BE CONTRAINED. EILEEN SAID SHE DOESNT HAVE TO BE ON HER OWN IN THE ROOM, I OR SOMEONE ELSE INSIDE COULD GO IN AND COMFORT HER BUT THAT WE SHOULD TRY TO KEEP HER CONTAINED UNTIL WE ARE ABLE TO WORK MORE WITH HER IN SESSION AGAIN. THAT SEEMS LIKE A GOOD IDEA TO ME.
[WENDY



therapy monday

there is going to be two parts to this post. my part, and wendys part.
firstly my part. i didnt want to go to therapy yesterday, there was some apprehention and ambivalence about going…not from me, but from other insiders, but it trickled down to me, i started feeling their feelings and getting a lot of anxiety about going. one of them even managed to almost make me forget i had a therapy session, by blocking my thinking and almost making me forget the appointment.
i’m usually there a couple of minutes early. yesterday was no different. i got there with 10 minutes to spare. we pulled up, and the taxi driver began to lead me to the office. eileens office is an extention off the side of her house. so we get to the door and open it, usually there is no one in the room. anyway, eileen comes running to the door, and tells me someone is with her. i was like oh, ok? i can wait in the car? but she said no. she told the taxi driver to go and ushered me in to her house. all sorta feelings flooded me. like, for example, i am in her space, this is her kitchen, it doesnt feel right, yet it feels so good, i feel comforted knowing i am here, in her family home, will anyone come in? she had told someone I dont know who probably her husband that she needed the kitchen for a couple of minutes so could they leave. she sat me down on a couch in front of a warm fire and said to wait a couple of minutes and she’d be back for me. i sat there wondering and waiting, and playing with my phone. i was only there about 2 minutes before she came in to get me and bring me to her work office. but during that time my head was buzzing with all sorta feelings. this was her space! this felt good but was it wrong? i was already anxious and this just created a ton more anxiety!
eventually we sat down and we talked about it. i told her how i was feeling. she apologised that i had had to deal with someone else being there, that rarely happens. we talked through my feelings about being in her house and in her space. she totally got my dilemma and could appreciate why I felt how I did.
the rest of the session wendy had, and I’ll let her discuss her own part of it. I came back out at the end before we went home, I mostly always come out to take us home.

therapy monday working with EMDR and finding safety

so we had therapy yesterday. i went to the session feeling jumbled. my emotions were all over the place. other insiders were blended with me. i felt unsettled and i didnt feel safe. i got there with just a couple of minutes to spare. eileen hadnt come into the room yet so i sat there trying to breathe, trying to ground myself. she came in a couple of minutes later.
eileen: you have no coat?
me: noooo
eileen: i think you did that intentionally, did you?
me: is it that obvious?
eileen: sorta laughing, yes
me: i dont need a coat.
eileen: but you’ll get sick. your asthma will start acting up. you’ll become chesty and then when that happens other insiders will become scared because they cant breathe, try to wear a coat next time.
me: yes, mom, ok.
it felt so good to have her care about me…about whether i wore a coat or not. i was joking when i called her mom but it felt nice to be able to do that. i continued to sit there and i tried to tell her how i felt. intense sadness kept popping up. i kept trying to push it away. eileen told me to ask other insiders not to flood me, to try to allow me to have some ground. she said i hadnt been in session with her in a while and it was important that i have this time…that we woulde get to other insiders too but for now i needed time.
i started telling her about how it had been my grammas anniversary this weekend, and the grief i felt due to that. and then i told her about my dad not being well physically, he has something wrong with his bowels and is waiting to have a colonoskopy. she asked me, how old do you feel right now? i said four or five. and how does that four or five year old feel? alone, lost, abandoned, on her own, i said. if you could believe anything about yourself, what would that be? me, um, well, that i could cope? from a 0-7 if 7 meant you were coping where are you at? me, about a two?
then we used the pulsers, we continued to work with the four or five year olds feelings, they were so intense. eileen kept reminding me that i wasnt in it, i wasnt back there, it was just a memory, but i was here with her, present, it was 2016, i was safe.
eileen: what would safety look like?
me: i dont know.
she repeated it again, what would safety look like?
me: well if you sit near me and i can touch you, thats safe. having that connection, where i can reach out and touch your leg or arm is safe. i dont have my eyesight to look at you so i need touch. i need that connection. i think touch is so very important in our work.
eileen: i totally agree, the right sorta touch.
me: yeah, i trust you to touch me in the right sorta way.
eileen: what else?
me: the ticking of the clock, every time I come into this room I listen to the ticking of the clock, its consistent, it is safe to me.
eileen: what else?
me: having a cue, for when we’re triggered, a cue to tell you, because I know we dont awlways say what is wrong, its not because we dont want to, we simply cant.
then we worked some more with the pulsers, on internalising the feelings of safety. eileen let me reach out and hold her hand, and i instantly felt safe, i could feel her skin on mine, her rings, immediately my body started to calm, i stopped shaking, i was able to get some ground back and was able to be present again.
eileen: now, on a scale of 0-7, how safe do you feel?
me: I’m at a 7.
Eileen: Thats great. so you feel totally safe?
Me: Yeah, totally safe and in control.
We continued with the EMDR then, and a teen part surfaced, so I started having highs and lows, swinging between both states, one minute my mood would be ok, the next I’d swing and almost burst into tears. Eileen kept telling me its ok, she’s just showing you her experience, but your not back there, ok carol anne? Your here with me ok?
Me: Ok, but I dont like this.
Eileen: Is it too much? Are you overwhelmed?
Me: No, I am ok, I just am a little uncomfortable but I am ok.
Time was up soon after we started that work with the teen part so eileen said we’d come back to it again. i felt i did so much hard work today. the session was really intense. most of ours are though.

LIZ THERAPY TIME WORKING WITH MY 5 YEAR OLD SELF AND AGEING

HI ITS LIZ.
THIS WEEK I GOT TIME IN THERAPY. I ACTUALLY CAME INTO THE SESSION. USUALLY CAROL ANNE COMES AND THEN IF ONE OF US NEEDS TIME WE JUST COME OUT DURING THE SESSION. BUT I HAD BEEN WORKING HARD THIS WEEK PROCESSING LAST WEEKS SESSION SO I DECIDED THAT IW OULD JUST GO AND KEEP WORKING ON THINGS. SO THAT IS WHAT I DID.
ITS SO HARD. EVERYTHING KINDA SWAMPED ME. MY EMOTIONS GOT SO OVERWHELMING. THEY SEEMED SO UNMANAGEABLE. LAST WEEK AFTER THERAPY DURING THAT WEEK I NEEDED EILEEN SO BADLY. I FELT LIKE I COULDNT COPE AND I NEEDED HER REASSURANCE AND THAT CONNECTION. I REACHED OUT A FEW TIMES TO HER. WHEN SHE DIDNT RESPOND QUICK ENOUGH I PANICKED, BUT THIS WEEK IN SESSION WE REALISED, THAT ACTUALLY IT WAS THE 5 YEAR OLD PART OF ME PANICKING. SHE FELT UNABLE TO COPE. SHE FELT LOST AND ALONE AND ON HER OWN. SO WE WORKED WITH HER DURING OUR SESSION.
EILEEN KEPT REASSURING HER THAT SHE WAS THERE FOR HER AND THAT EVEN WHEN SHE WASNT ABLE TO RESPOND SHE WAS STILL HERE, BUT SO WAS I. I HAD NEVER SOOTHED HER BEFORE. THAT FELT WEIRD AND UNCOMFORTABLE BUT EILEEN HELPED ME TO THINK OF THINGS THAT I COULD DO TO SELF SOOTHE, THINK UP THINGS ME AND MY 5 YEAR OLD SELF COULD DO TOGETHER. AT THE WEEKEND SHE HAD WANTED TO TEXT EILEEN IN A PANICK, SAYING SHE WAS GONNA DIE IF SHE DIDNT RESPOND TO HER. I DIDNT ALLOW HER TO TEXT EILEEN, I QUICKLY PUT A STOP TO THAT THINKING EILEEN WOULD THINK WE WERE OFF THE WALL AND WOULD NOT APPRECIATE THAT KINDA TEXT.
DURING OUR SESSION WHEN I REALISED THAT ACTUALLY MY 5 YEAR OLD SELF NEEDED REASSURANCE, BECAUSE BACK ALL THOSE YEARS AGO WHEN WE WERE IN THAT BORDING SCHOOL IN DUBLIN AND SHE WAS ON HER OWN, SHE DIDNT HAVE ANYONE TO CARE FOR HER, SHE DIDNT HAVE ANYONE TO TURN TO, SHE HAD TO JUST GET ON WITH IT NO MATTER WHAT WAS GOING ON, I FELT GREAT COMPASSION FOR HER. EILEEN ASKED ME IF I REALISED THAT IT HAD BEEN 30 YEARS SINCE ALL THAT HAPPENED, DID I ACTUALLY REALISE THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THAT. COULD I PUT DISTANCE BETWEEN THEN AND NOW. I TRIED, IT WASNT EASY BUT I MANAGED IT.
AFTER DOING THAT HARD WORK WITH THE 5 YEAR OLD PART OF ME, I FELT OLDER, WISER, LIKE I COULD AGE. I AM 16. EILEEN SAID IT FELT LIKE I WAS OLDER THAN 16, SHE SAID I HAD MORE RESPONSIBILITY THAN A 16 YEAR OLD. I ASKED HER TO PUT AN AGE ON ME. SHE SAID 22. SO I WENT WITH THAT. I SAID I’D PROBABLY AGE UP SOON. SHE TOLD ME NOT TO DO IT IF I DIDNT FEEL LIKE IT, TO NOT PUT PRESSURE ON MYSELF TO DO IT. I SAID I’D HAVE TO ASK PERMISSION OF THE MOST HIGHS IN OUR SYSTEM BEFORE I COULD AGE. BUT THAT THEY’D PROBABLY GIVE ME PERMISSION SINCE I’VE BEEN WORKING HARD IN THERAPY THESE PAST FEW WEEKS. SO PROBABLY IN THE NEXT WEEK I WILL AGE TO 22. IT FEELS RIGHT. I FEEL LIKE AN ADULT. AND I CAN TAKE CARE OF 5 YEAR OLD ME IF I AM OLDER, WISER.
THERAPY IS HARD FUCKING WORK. THATS WHAT I THINK. I’M GLAD I HAVE A SPACE TO DO THE WORK, THAT FEELS SAFE AND THAT EILEEN IS ALONGSIDE ME ON MY JOURNEY.

i still just want my therapist to adopt me

its alicia. in case you didnt know i am 9 years old.
yesterday i had some time in therapy. the bigs decided i needed to talk. i like coming out to talk to my therapist eileen. but sometimes the things i need to talk about make me so sad.
like her adopting me. like the fact that i dont have an outside mom. we have a bio mom but she doesnt see me, recognise me as a person. she doesnt accept me for me, or even see me. its so sad.
so i came out in therapy. and i told eileen that i just want her and dr. barry as my two moms. i told her i will live with her for half of the week and dr. barry for the other half.
eileen: that would be nice wouldnt it?
me: yeah, i just need a mom. just be my mom.
eileen: i get that allie. i really do.
me: so why arent you being my mom?
eileen: i really hear your struggle, that no inside person will do.
me: crying, its not fair! i’m so tired of hearing about dr. barrys kids, of hearing how much she cares for and about them. nobody cares for me like that. why? am i so bad that nobody wants me?
eileen: you are not bad allie
me: do you think i am crazy? carol anne thinks i have an attachment disorder.
eileen: i’ve never heard of attachment disorder, i dont see you as a child with this or that disorder, i just see you as a little girl who is struggling with the fact that she never had a mom and she really wants one.
me: please adopt me, please? did you know i was thinking at the weekend, about what it would be like if i lived with you? i was thinking what we’d do together, like we could watch movies, or tv, and i was thinking, i wonder what eileen would cook for me? would she make rules? is that crazy?
eileen: no sweetheart it isnt.
me: dr barry made me so mad when i was in the hospital. because she told me she had to go home one evening to blow out the candles on her little boys birthday cake. but i want to do that. i want a birthday cake and a mom who wants to blow my candles out and let me make a wish, cheer for me, i want that too.
Eileen, squeezing my hand, I know. I hear that allie.
Me: My dad says i am just a job to you. that you get payed to listen to me. but that you dont think of me for the rest of the week. that i am just a job and not to forget it.
Eileen: you arent just a job to me. i think of you often throughout the week…when i hear a certain song, or see something that reminds me of you, or hear something on the tv…
me: eileen i dont want to just be a job!
eileen: of course you dont. of course. i hear that and i want you to know you arent just a job to me!
then i cried again. because of the unfairness of it all.
Eileen just hugged me. and told me i’d be ok. things will get better. but i said only if she adopted me, then they would.
alicia age 9

a heads up, my other more private journal

I have another blog, a more private blog, where I will be writing more detailed posts about therapy and other presonal stuff related to my past and my triggers and things.

if you would like to follow me there, please request access by following the link below.

http://manyinone1980.wordpress.com/

this blog will still be used for quotes, blog challenges, and other random info of a not so personal nature.

feelin icky

i feel icky in my tumy
it hurts
i be skard
it feelin wobbly in ther
i don like it wen its dark oteside
i want eileen! i wish she be here with me
i liked it today when she holded us and put her hand on ar tumy
it felt safe
i wanna feel safe
but i not fellin good rite now
my hart go boom boom
and my belly hurts
and i cry
adelle i four