I just had a call from one of the psych nurses on the weekend team, she is one of my favourite nurses, I’ve known her now for a few years, as when I was on the locked ward a few years ago she was a student nurse. Her name is Aisling, and she is so kind, and caring. We talked about all of my symptoms. there was a lot. between the not sleeping, agitation, high anxiety, dissociation, restless legs, voices, hearing the lyrics of songs on repeat. so many crazy fucking symptoms. its no wonder i am so crazy. she told me that my own cpn sarah had spoken to her on friday, and she knew aisling would be working this weekend and she knew that she knows me and we have a good rapport. so aisling said to me this morning that she’ll fill sarah in tomorrow morning on our conversation, and then sarah will probably ring dr. barry. i didnt have the cramps last night, but I was pacing the floors, anxious, wired, and so full of energy. it was like when someone who is bipolar goes high! I mean, I’m not bipolar, but I’ve know loads of people who are, and I know what its like when they are high. that was what i felt like last night. now i just feel so overwhelmed and agitated. and i’m still pacing the house. the voices got really loud during the night, i was feeling like jumping out of my skin, it sounded like a stereo was playing in the room with me and these two male voices were booming out of it saying all sorts of fucked up shit, and commanding me to cut, commanding me to kill myself, commanding me to starve myself. it was horrible! i sat on the bathroom floor and bawled my eyes out because I was so distressed. I wanted to read, but I couldnt. I couldnt concentrate on the book. My attention wasnt there. but the funny thing is, its morning now and the voices have quieted, in fact right now this second I am not hearing them at all. Isnt that weird? I know everything feels worse at night though. So maybe thats it. Maybe they like to torture me at night, torment me. aisling gave me a few suggestions for things to try, she said if I feel like pacing the house, to soak my feet and put some essential oils or bath oil in the water, and that might soothe me the smell of it and it will also soothe my feet and I will have to sit down so maybe I can try that. she told me to be kind to myself today which I thought was very sweet of her to say. she also said, that if I need to, I can ring them back, they’re working today until 5 PM. Thats good to know, just in case I did need to chat again. I probably wont ring them back, but its nice to know the option is there should I need it. I should be trying to get a nap in, but I just cant. I am just too wired, and my mind wont settle. I’m a bit of a trainwreck, a hot mess. But you all love me, even if I’m a hot mess right?
