Could hav been

i could have been beautiful
but you spattered me with blood
i might have been graceful
but you knocked me into the mud

i could have been courageous
but you crumpled me into a ball
i might have been brave
but you made me feel so small

i could have been intelegent
but you taught me not to try
i might have been brilliant
but you told me the truth is a lie

i could have been trusting
but your promises lay broken
i might have been confiding
but you taught me to leave everything unspoken

i could have been independent
but you left so many needs unfilled
i might of been self-reliant
but you made it so i couldn’t rebuild

i could have been whole
but you tore me all apart
i might have been so much more
but you destroyed my growing heart

c2006

This is a poem about my experiences of being a child abuse survivor, this was written to my abusers.

Quote of the day

Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.
Jennifer Elisabeth

Song of the day…rainbow by Kesha

Rainbow

by Kesha

I used to live in the darkness
Dress in black, act so heartless, but now
I see that colors are everything
Got kaleidoscopes in my hairdo
Got back the stars in my eyes, too, yeah now
I see the magic inside of me
Yeah, maybe my head’s fucked up
But I’m falling right back in love with being alive
Dreaming in light, light, lights
This kitty cat lost her mind
Been lookin’ for a star-sent sign that I’ll be alright
Look to the skies
I’ve found a rainbow, rainbow, baby
Trust me, I know, life is scary
But just put those colors on, girl
Come and play along with me tonight
I’d forgot how to daydream
So consumed with the wrong things, but in
The dark, I realized this life is short
And deep down, I’m still a child
Playful eyes, wide and wild, I can’t
Lose hope, what’s left of my heart’s still made of gold
And I know that I’m still fucked up
But aren’t we all, my love?
Darling, our scars make us who we are, are
So when the winds are howling strong
And you think you can’t go on, hold tight, sweetheart
You’ll find a rainbow, rainbow, baby
Trust me, I know life is scary
But just put those colors on, girl
Come and play along with me tonight
You gotta learn to let go, put the past behind you
Trust me, I know, the ghosts will try to find you
But just put those colors on, girl
Come and paint the world with me tonight
Night, night, night, night, night
I found a rainbow, rainbow, baby
Trust me, I know life is scary
But just put those colors on, girl
You gotta learn to let go, put the past behind you
Trust me, I know, the ghosts will try to find you
But just put those colors on, girl
Come and paint the world with me tonight
Oh, put those colors on, girl
Come and paint the world with me tonight
Come and paint the world with me tonight

Struggling

I am really struggling tonight. Is anyone around? If your up and awake I could use some support right now.
My head is spinning. I am so anxious.
I slept for 2 or 3 hours but that was it.
Its almost 1 AM now and I am awake. I am dissociating a lot tonight. Losing time a lot.
I forgot my meds again tonight. Its too late now to take them.
If anyones around send me a hug or a prayer that I will be ok.

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Some self care

This evening I’ve been doing some things to help with my self care.

I took a nice long, hot bubble bath. It was so nice! I really enjoyed it. I sat for a long time in the water just relaxing in it.

I read a book for a while. I got a new book today the new maggie hartley book. However there is a problem with my preorder audible had some problem with it. They’re working on fixing it for me so I can start reading my new book! In the meantime I am reading another book, confessions of a gp, it is a book written by a UK doctor about his practice, its really good!

I made a nice cup of tea and now I am drinking it! As Emily says, tea makes everything better! She’s so spot on about that!

So thats what I’ve done for self care today! Have you done anything or are you going to do anything for yourself today?
Let me know!

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Poetry

fear grips me
and I spin
counting, 1, 2, 3
My mind spins wildly!
Churning stomach
Clammy, hot, sweaty
Tight chest
As I try my best
To shake this feeling
This feeling of utter dread
Climb out of bed
In the middle of the night
Pure terror, pure fright
Grips me with all of my might!
This is what nightmares look like
This is flashbacks
This is pure hell!
Oh how I wish
It would end
Not tonight, I say to myself
As I make some tea
And now that I am wide awake
Prepare for the day ahead

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