so i saw dr. barry this morning. Our appointment went well.
we talked about the fact that my mood had dipped for the last week, and how I was going to go back to the basement club and mind my mental health better than I had been doing. she thought that was a very good idea. I told her about all the staff changes in the basement club, how unsettling the whole thing was for us. She agreed it would be and could understand why it was effecting us so deeply.
we talked about symptoms, mainly sleep, mood, and dissociative stuff. I told her about therapy, about this weeks session. We decided to wait until the end of the month before adding back any more meds to our regime. She asked me if there were any more incidents of insiders trying to OD or stockpiling meds, I said there wasnt. So the next time I see her she said she’d look at adding back the prozac and lyrica or maybe just one of them, she said we’d talk about it at the next apt.
She asked me if the social worker Mary had called me to let me know about applying for more PA hours, how I’d have to go through my public health nurse to apply, that the social worker cant do it for me. I said she had called me. Then she broke the news to me as gently as she could.
Mary is moving on. She will no longer be the social worker on dr. barrys team. She got another job, a better one, and she took it. She’s not even with the team a year yet. And now she’s moving on. I was just getting to know her and now she’ll be gone.
I sat and listened, and sighed inwardly. Honestly, I wasnt shocked. I did however expect that she’d be around longer than 8 months. But well, she wont be. So I guess thats that. Someone new will be appointed. So it will be me trying to get to know another new face, another new social worker.
Dr. barry did say that she thought that there would be no social worker on her team for a while. She didnt know how long it would take before a new one will be appointed. Mary is working out her notice and then she will leave.
There is one small consolation. At least I hadnt built up too much of a relationship or bond with her. We were only just starting out. That is one good thing at least. There wont be another painful goodbye.
In fact if I am honest, I didnt think she was all that good at what she did. Granted I am comparing her to Karen, who was brilliant at what she did, but still. She mary, just expected me to do everything, and did not do much of anything herself. I am all for advocating for oneself but well when a social workers job is to do certain things, and then they say you can ring this or that person, speak to them, and stuff try to get done what you had asked her to do, its not good.
Dr. barry also told me new junior doctors had started this week. Two male doctors. It really doesnt make a huge difference to me, I dont ever have to see them, but I prefer when there is a female on the team, just in case dr. barry is ever out or on holiday, I have a doctor I can go to in an emergency. But these new ones are both males.
Those two pieces of news were the big pieces.
she is bringing me back in 10 days time, because on the day she’d usually see me there is some other clinic going on and she cant see patients on that day, so she asked me if I wanted to come back in 10 days time. I said that was fine, but it now means I will have therapy and my dr. barry apt on the same day.
I bet I’ll be exhausted after two apts in one day!
Anyway, it was a good appointment overall.
Dr. barry said we may have bipolar. She is going to evaluate us some more To see where we are at and what type it may be.
I am scared. I have had many friends with bipolar, but what if I cant manage? What if I fuck up?
Hell I’m already fucking up. My moods very off lately. Up and down and all around. Rapid cycling. So its looking like that may be the type I have.
I have been impulsive in the past. Shopping a lot. Drinking a lot. Self harming a lot. I’ve had psychosis in the past, still have it to a degree its just under control now.
I am just really, really afraid.
I know I need to talk more to dr barry about this. And I will. She did say that one med I take could be keeping the more disruptive symptoms at bay. I take depokate. Mainly for seizures, but its also for my mood.
So we shall see where this leads. For now I dont know where its going.
How did you feel when you got your bipolar diagnosis? were you scared?
do you know who I am?
do you know who you have?
yes, i say meekly
its you, mary
yes, I know you
We’ve met before
about 10 years ago
when you were an inpatient
in the psych ward
oh damn do I have to remember that time?
that time you were so mean?
mean to my child parts?
that time lexi wanted to cut
with a lid off of a lip gloss?
and you counted to 3
said it so meanly
took the lid away from her
told her you would not stand and watch her do this to herself
you didnt care about the pain she was in
Oh no you didnt care
and today, today you were so different
you were kind
you acted nicely towards us
treated us with respect
treated us like a human being
as if we’d only just met
and you didnt know our history
today, today you were the kind of nurse
I wished you were back then
when we were in so much desperate emotional pain
today I am going to be busy!
I havent slept tonight. probably becausei slept for hours yesterday after therapy. i cant expect to sleep at night if I am sleeping in the day. but it was ok, i did email, read, and listened to music while I wasnt sleeping.
this morning I have an apt to get my 3 monthly shot. its my trevicta shot. for those who dont know trevicta is invega an antipsychotic, but in a 3 monthly shot, I used to take a monthly shot until dr. barry said this would work better. and it has. I’ve had no side effects from it and I especially like that there is no weight gain on it.
so I have to go do that. It wont take me very long. I’m going to get a taxi there and have the taxi wait for me since I’ll only be five minutes in there.
in the afternoon I go volunteer at the cork city partnership. I’m not full time on friendly call. So I’ll be making calls and checking in on people. I love it. I’ll go there at around 1 PM and stay until 5.
Then I have to go to my friend normas house. We have a training session planned. Not sure yet what we’re going to be doing. But I promised her I’d come over this evening since I didnt do it at the weekend. I’ll stay for about 2 hours. I dont have to pay for a taxi to take me there, my taxi’s are payed for by the partnership, but I might get a lift from one of the staff at the partnership and then just get a taxi home.
I’ll be taking Nitro with me when I go volunteering and to normas house but I wont take him this morning whenI go to get my injection.
I just had an amazing hot shower. I was feeling a little anxious and a bit tense and it really helped with that. I feel all refreshed now. Im not dressed yet though. I just made myself some coffee and am drinking that.
Well thats about it for now. I hope you all have a great day today.
do you get along with your psychiatrist? do you like him or her? are they a good doctor in your opinion? why/why not?
TOMORROW WE WILL BE SEEING DR. BARRY. I’M SO NERVOUS. I ALMOST DONT WANT TO GO. I’D LOVE TO CANCEL THE APT BUT I KNOW WE NEED TO GO. I KNOW I NEED TO TELL HER WHAT I DID. SHE CANT HELP US IF SHE DOESNT KNOW. AND I ALREADY TOLD EILEEN, SO MAYBE IT WONT BE SO BAD. HERES HOPING IT WONT. IM IMAGINING HER BEING MAD, OR ANGRY AT ME. CAROL ANNE AND LIZ SAY SHE WONT BE. THAT SHE’LL BE JUST GLAD WE’RE OK AND GLAD I CAME FORWARD AND OWNED UP TO WHAT I DID. I’M JUST SO FULL OF ANXIETY TONIGHT ABOUT IT. I’VE DECIDED THOUGH TO JUST COME OUT WITH IT. TO GO IN THERE AND JUST TELL HER I NEED TO TELL HER SOMETHING AND GO FOR IT. ITS THE ONLY WAY. WISH ME LUCK GUYS…
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