So this morning I got another call from a nurse on the weekend team. This nurse is one of the community psychiatric nurses so I knew her. Her name is Gillian and she is very very nice. She was very understanind about how bad things are for me at the moment. We talked through my symptoms, and she talked me through some coping strategies, and she told me that if I needed them throughout the day that I shouldnt hesitate to phone them, that they’d be there until 5 PmM, and after that, she advised me to go to the psych hospital to be seen, but I told her I was seeing Dr. Barry tomorrow and that I can wait until then. I knew I’d be ok until I saw her. So we hung up on the understanding that if I needed them again I’d phone. I had dinner at mom and dads, then I left and went home. Mom came with me for a little while, and once she left, I took some fenergan and lay down and slept for a few hours. It was bliss. The fenergan really knocks me out, but I think thats what I needed. I needed to get some good, uninterrupted sleep. And that is what I got. I didnt care that it was in the day, it doesnt matter to me if I am up tonight. Actually I kinda like being up at night. Nights are when we’re triggered, and I feel safer being up and awake sometimes, I dont know why but I do. I’m glad I had some uninterrupted sleep, it reset my brain again and now I am feeling ok, although the bad anxiety is still there, along with the dissociation and time loss and switchiness. But I’m happy to report that I’ve taken our meds now all of them for one whole week, and I am super proud, I havent missed a single dose. Yay. Thats good going as before I was missing 2 or 3 nights each week and I’d sometimes miss doses in the morning also. I’m determined to keep remembering them as I feel they are helping and I need them and need to be taking them properly. I’ve made some tea and my plan now is to watch a little TV and then finish up my book tonight also. I see Dr. Barry in the morning. I’m looking forward to seeing her. Then in the afternoon I meet with my new job coach. I’m pretty nervous about it as I will have to go into my history a lot and I will have to disclose my mental illnesses to him so that he’s able to best help me and support me in going back to work. I dont mind having to do it but I am just a little nervous about it. I hope the anxiety doesnt ramp up a lot during the night tonight, but we’ll see, my guess is it will as it always does or seems to do.
I’m making more of an effort to be better about taking my meds. I wasn’t so good about it for a while. I was forgetting them a lot of the time. I started yesterday and decided that I need to do better. So yesterday and today I’ve taken all of my meds, and I haven’t forgotten any of them in two days now. And I think its helping. I mean, not completely sure yet, its too early to say, but my guess is it will help, and I’ll feel much better after a few days. At least, hats my hope.
It is taking a huge effort on my part, and the dissociation is so bad, but the anxiety is bad also, and so to get it down, I really need the clonidine I am prescribed, and also, my Prozac, it will help my mood.
Dr. Barry knew I wasn’t always taking my meds, she constantly checks with me, to see if I’m taking them. She will be happy to hear that I’m making an effort to not forget to take them. That will please her.
I hope it will help. And I hope I can keep it going.
Yesterday afternoon, our CPN Sarah called. Dr. Barry had made a referral, and asked her to call us over christmas, to check in with us and see how we’re doing. She called yesterday at around 1 O’clock. I wasnt sure when she’d be calling. I missed her first call, as I was at the grocery store with mom, but luckily she called back. I knew it was her when I saw the missed call, as it was a call from a blocked number, and her number is private. At first I thought she wasnt going to phone back, and that maybe she’d wait for another day to call. But she did, and we had a long chat which was really good.
We talked about christmas and how we’d gotten through it. She asked me where I was, and I told her I was at my parents house, and that I was going to be there until the new year. We talked about my sleep, and I told her its still really hit and miss. I’ve been sleeping some, but that I’m taking sleep where I can get it. The night before last, I only slept for 2.5 hours. She asked me if I find the days very long when I am only sleeping for that length of time. I said that I did.
We talked about my weight loss and she congradulated me on that. She said I have great determination lol not sure if thats true, as I ate dessert again yesterday. I’m not so sure I’ll be down at weigh in this monday but we’ll see. She said she doesnt know of anyone who loses weight over christmas like I did. I told her I am going to get serious about exercising in january.
She asked me before she hung up if I needed another call before the sixth, the sixth is when I see dr. barry. I said no, that I thought I’d be ok. I have Eileen, and if I need a check in I can text her. I know Sarah would have called me too if I needed her to. I am thankful for Dr. Barry putting the referral in, because it was good to have as much support at christmas as possible.
I like Sarah, she’s really easy to talk to. When we were talking about exercising more, she told me that in order for her to exercise, she has to pay to go to classes, or otherwise she just wont do it. Her telling me that about herself, made me feel not so bad, that I didnt have any motivation to exercise much this past year. I didnt feel so alone, knowing that even my CPN wont exercise given half a chance.
Her telling me some stuff like that about herself, made me feel somehow closer to her, and I like that I was able to connect with her in that way. It was so nice to feel that connection to her in that way.
So I am glad we had a check in. It made my day much brighter. It helped me to stay grounded, and to get through the post christmas blues a little easier.
So my anxiety is still high! I ended up staying at home again today and not going in to work. I felt bad but I need to take care of my mental health. I wasnt going to slimming world either, but I changed my mind at the last minute. The fact I’d have to still pay for this week even if I missed it spurred me on and made me think twice about not going in. I slept for half the day. I couldnt get up. I just dozed all morning and into the afternoon. That made me feel crappy, I felt like I was being lazy. I do feel a little better though, now that I’ve napped a lot today. I am less cranky, less tired, more energised, and in a good mood. As I said, the anxietys still there though. Right now I am so thankful I will see Eileen in the morning. That session wont come quick enough. My friend Norma whose blind and lives near me, she went to school in dublin with me, she’s a few years younger than I am, but she’s looking for a therapist and she asked me to ask eileen if she knows someone whose reasonably priced. So I asked eileen and she got back to me tonight and told me to leave it with her and she’d think about who to send her to. Norma is ringing me a lot though and being quite needy, and its stressing me out to no end. I dont want to seem mean and tell her to stop calling me, but I may have to. She rang me twice tonight already and she said she’d call me tomorrow at lunch time, so I told her she could, but if I couldnt talk then I’d ring her back when I am able to talk. I dont want to seem unsupportive. But well I can only take so much. I see Dr. barry as well tomorrow. In the afternoon. I am glad about that. Its been 5 weeks since I have seen her, the longest we’ve ever gone without an appointment since 2013. I am feeling the effects of not seeing her now too, so am glad we finally have an apt tomorrow. I need to wish her a happy anniversary, this month marks our six year anniversary of working together. I cant actually believe we’ve been seeing dr. barry for that long. It sure doesnt seem like it. Those six years of working with Dr. barry have been the best years of our life, mental health wise we’ve done much better while seeing her than we did with previous psychiatrists. So its all good. I will wish her a happy anniversary and I’m sure she’ll be all surprised about it that we’ve been working together for so long, things like our anniversaries mean a lot to her. She did tell me recently that she only started working as a consultant six months before she started working with me, she only moved to the job in the may of 2013, and we started working together in the november of that year. Now that I’ve slept for most of the day, I’ll probably be up for the whole night. I am planning on facetiming sarah in a little while. Once she wakes from her nap. I am looking forward to chatting to her. I bet we talk more about the trip next year and what we plan to do during it. Or more likely what we plan to eat hahaha. We like to talk about the kinds of food we’ll eat on the trip. I hope the anxiety lessens soon. I hate anxiety, its horrific. I wish it didnt exist. I’d be happy if it just fucked off and left me alone.
I am just back from getting my shot. The nurse who administered it knows me, but I cant remember her, she said she remembers me from years ago when I was an inpatient on the psych unit and she was working there. I wish I could remember her, she said to me today that I seem much happier and I agreed with her that I was. I will say this. She’s good at administering the shot. It didnt even hurt, not even a little bit. I thought I was going to be early and have to wait around for a half hour, but when I got there she was free so she took me back right away. Now that its done I wont have to get it again for 3 months. I’m glad I met the nurse before today, I am glad Dr. Barry introduced me to her. Her name is Kay. She’s actually a lovely person. She’s very genuine and kind. When we came outside the office, my mom was there waiting, as she’d come with me. Kay said to her that I was doing great, and my mom said she was delighted with the progress I’d made. That was so lovely to hear. I had the biggest smile on my face on hearing my mom say how thrilled she was that I was doing so much better. Now I am back home and so glad to be inside in the warmth. Its pouring outside still. I’m glad I dont have to go out in it again today.
So I just got done seeing dr. barry! We had a fantastic appointment! But thats the norm for us!
I had so much to tell her!
I told her about my smear test coming back clear, and she was really pleased for me. She encouraged me not to stress about the upcoming appointment to the clinic so for now I am not going to worry too much about it! It wont be for a few weeks yet, so I have time to prepare!
We talked about meds, and she asked me about the clonadine, how was it going for me taking it. I told her its working out really well. I am happy with how its working out. My anxiety has lessened since I’ve been taking it. And I am mostly sleeping a little better, I am now sleeping for around 4 to 5 hours when I do sleep, and I am having less nightmares too. She was really happy to hear how well the med is working out. She gave me another script for 2 more weeks supply of the med. We’ll review it when I next see her. We didnt increase it today, she is going to see how I do on it for another 2 weeks before we think about upping the dose.
I told her we didnt see eileen this week because of her being ill. We talked about the stress I felt at eileen being ill. I was also telling her about the kids, how much they worried about eileen and how their worry filtered through to me but that I was also worried and now that eileens ok again I am less stressed and just so relieved.
Then I told her my big news! About my trip to the USA next year! She couldnt believe I was going and she was really excited for me! It was so cute! She was like, Carol anne, I dont think you’ve been to the states since I’ve been your doctor have you? I had to think but no, I havent! The last time I went to america was in the summer of 2013, and I didnt start seeing dr. barry until november of that year.
She then told me that the nurse that was giving me my shot had left, and a new nurse was now administering the shots. She said if I wanted to she’d introduce her to me. So I said I’d like that. She left the room to see if the nurse, whose name is Kay, was still there, she was, and she came in to meet me. She knew me, but I didnt remember her. But she said she had worked in the hospital some years ago on nights, and she’d met me while I was an in patient. I had no memory of ever meeting her! But she seems nice. I’m glad we’ve met, it makes getting my shot from her easier to deal with and I wont be stressing over a new person giving it to me!
Somehow then dr. barry and I got on to talking about psychiatrists, and my former psychiatrist. That was interesting. We had a long conversation about my teen years in the mental health system, and she told me that my then psychiatrist dr. Mccarthy who was my first ever psychiatrist when I was in my teens, has now retired. I always liked dr. Mccarthy, she was a nice doctor and she was easy to get along with.
So yeah, a heavy apt, loaded with much chat, and lots to talk through. It was good though and we made another one for 2 weeks time. When dr. barry walked me to the front entrance to get my taxi, I told her as we were walking to the entrance about nitro retiring, as I forgot to tell her while we were in our appointment. So then we had a further conversation about that.
We’re coming up on our six year anniversary, it is in a few weeks, she’ll have been my doctor for six years this coming november, wow, how that time has flown, I’ve grown a lot since we started our work together, I am so glad she’s my psychiatrist, I couldnt ask for a better doctor.
I havent talked to my partner jess in weeks. I wish I could. I have tried calling her. But the facility she’s at they dont seem to answer the phone. I guess I’ll just have to keep on trying until someone answers it. I get disheartened though. I’m sure she thinks I dont care, or I cant be bothered to call. Nothing is further from the truth. I miss her so much. I miss all of their system. Its hard though when she’s in that residential facility. Things have changed so much, our relationship has changed so much. She’s been there almost 5 years now. 5 long years. Thats a long time. And honestly? I dont know if she’s ever coming out of there. I just dont know. She doesnt know either. Part of me thinks she wont. Its very tough to see her be in there. Our kids dont understand why their mommy, because jess was a mom to them, they just dont understand why they cant see her, talk to her, hear her read to them. Its heartbreaking. I hope we get to talk soon. I just miss our long talks, where we’d put the world to rights. Our deep conversations. I miss those.