its emily. i just got back from our apt with dr. barry. i got to talk to her today. that was nice. i really love talking to her.
i told her how difficult the last few days have been for me and my insiders. i told her about lisa, and how last week she’d been so suicidal and how eileen helped us through that.
we talked about symptoms and therapy in general. we also talked a little about our memories. and about how some insiders cant accept that people would love them and how they find it difficult to accept that they are more than their trauma.
Dr. Barry was very sympathetic. She said its difficult for the insiders. They have a lot to cope with every day. They go through a lot of ver conflicting feelings about so many things.
It was a good conversation. I felt that Dr. Barry really understood us. She does anyway, but today I just felt she was really getting it, really getting how hard things can be for us.
She said despite all that we’re doing amazingly well. She told me she’s proud of us for continuing to cope despite all the difficulties we are having.
I’m glad I got to talk to her today. It felt so good to just be able to tell her things. I felt understood and validated.
So I just went to get my 3 montly shot of trevicta. They weighed me and they said I am 90 KG. When I got weighed at my last appointment 3 months ago I weighed 94 KG. That thrills me that I’ve lost 4 KG in 3 months. I am so delighted about that. Its great progress! The nurse told me that the next time I get my shot which will be in December, I’ll probably have to go down to the smaller sized needle. She said since I am losing weight they’ll have to adjust the needle size as well. She said they’d be weighing me again at my next appointment, and to make sure that they did do it if it was a different person giving me the shot. When I started losing weight back in Febuary I was 104 KG. Now I am 90. Wow! That’s just amazing. Its the lowest weight I’ve ever been well in a good couple of years. Probably its my lowest weight since around 2006. Here’s to losing another 4 KG over the next 3 months. For those who want to know what 90 KG equals in pounds, its 198 pounds. I’m smashing my weight loss goals, yay. 🙂 😀 ❤
Its Carol anne. So I know Taylor posted about her chat she had with dr. barry earlier. I also chatted with her. It was a great conversation. As it always is. We talked about a lot.
I told her I’d had it out with our friend who overdosed. I told her liz got angry and actually had it out with her, but then she was pissed off and so she went back inside and left me to pick up the pieces of that conversation. Which I did. And it turned out ok in the end. Dr. Barry was glad we were still friends. She said it was a good thing we talked it out. She asked me if I was willing to go on my friends contact list, in the future, if that is what was decided to do. I said I’d think about it. I am ok with it, but I do want some time to think it over before committing to it.
We talked about sleep. I told her Eileen said she is going to work on our sleep next week all going well. If nothing else pops up that we have to work on then we are going to do some work on getting our sleep schedule back on track. Dr. barry thought that was a good idea. She said we’d leave the meds alone for now then, and try first to work on sleep without pharmasutical input. I agreed. I’d rather not have to take meds for sleep if I can help it. I did tell her though that this month the pharmacy forgot to give me my prazosin. She told me to ring them and get it as that was helping with my sleep, it helped with the quality of sleep I was getting. I said I would do that.
We talked about her training, next week she has to go on training, she said every two years they have to do it, its mandetory. She also told me she is taking thursday and fridays off for the month of September. She said that its not for health reasons, she knows I worry about her and so she wanted to put me at ease, so she told me not to worry that she’s ok, and she just needs to do this for this month but come october she’ll be back to normal again and back full time.
I will see her again in two weeks. I do need to go up to clinic next week though, I have to get my injection, my trevicta injection and I will also see Mark my OT. It will be kinda weird to go up there and not see dr. barry. I thought we had a really great apt though and was pleased with the way it went.
gess wat guys
dis morig i talk wif dr. barry
that was good
shes so nice to me
i love her so much shes the best dr.
we talk about therapy
and i telled her eileen and me talked on monday
and how dat eileen said to me
if carol anne closes her bedroom door at nite
that i shuld knock on it if i need her
cuz a closed door
means dat someone is takin time for themselves
and eileen says its a boundry
and it important to folo them
dr. barry ask me if i understand
i said yes but i fink it stupid
who need them anyway
dr. barry was laughing at me
but not bein mean
she was just finkin i was funy
i tell her about be skard of the dark at nite
that i fraid to sleep cuz im skard
she ask me if i worked wif eileen on that
i said not yet
but we will soon i fink
she said dat mite be good idea
it was a gud chat
i like to tok to dr. barry
she make me feel safe
plus shes just so nice
and very kind
i was tell her to that i blog
she said she didnt kno dat
she fink only carol anne and liz do it
but i tell her no we all do it
and i told her i do email to
cuz i have the email grup that im in
for people wif did
and i tok to peple on that
she said it was good that i hav that
so yeah we had a good chat
love yu al
taylor age 6
we had an apt with dr. barry today as well. she had to see us today as she was doing something on wednesday that prevented her from seeing us then.
it was good to see her. i had a long wait before going in though which wasnt so good. but i got through it and it was all worth it in the end when i saw her.
we talked about therapy and i told her what we’d been doing today. she thought what we’d been doing was great. i was telling her about the insider who came out and was all confused and disorientated. i told her she couldnt answer any of eileens questions, all she kept saying was I dont know. dr. barry said maybe it would be good to try to figure out why she actually came out, like what brought her out. eileen though similarly. so i think we need to do that.
we talked about meds. dr. barry asked me if I am sure that none of our meds are being stockpiled or stored up. if they are being taken right. i said yes i am pretty sure they are.
then we started talking about her holiday which will be coming up soon. in a couple of weeks. dr. barry goes on holiday on august 13th until the 27th. there is one week where herself and eileens vacatins overlap. we were trying to brainstorm today to see what we could come up with for some extra support for us during that time.
at first dr. barry asked if I wanted to see one of the doctors on her team while she was away. I quickly said no to that. there are 3 male doctors on the team, 2 on the team and one locum covering while she’s on holiday. she knows i dont really like seeing male doctors so she didnt push it.
instead she said she’d ask sarah the community psychiatric nurse to check in with me that week the week that both her and eileen are away. i wasnt expecting her to do that. so it was nice that she offered and said she would. she said she’d tell her and also write her a note just in case she forgot to mention it to her. sarah is currently on holiday so she couldnt just tell her today.
it will be good that we’ll have someone to talk to while they are both on holiday. im so happy about that. i know sarah too which helps. we’ve seen her for a couple of sessions last year so she knows us and we know her.
dr. barry is a gem to put this in place for us. i really appreciate that she did that for us.
other than that the rest of the appointment was pretty much uneventful. we’ll see her again in two weeks, and the next time will be the last time before her two week vacation. however, i’m confident now that we’ll be ok and we’ll get through the vacation without any issues.
so i saw dr. barry this morning. Our appointment went well.
we talked about the fact that my mood had dipped for the last week, and how I was going to go back to the basement club and mind my mental health better than I had been doing. she thought that was a very good idea. I told her about all the staff changes in the basement club, how unsettling the whole thing was for us. She agreed it would be and could understand why it was effecting us so deeply.
we talked about symptoms, mainly sleep, mood, and dissociative stuff. I told her about therapy, about this weeks session. We decided to wait until the end of the month before adding back any more meds to our regime. She asked me if there were any more incidents of insiders trying to OD or stockpiling meds, I said there wasnt. So the next time I see her she said she’d look at adding back the prozac and lyrica or maybe just one of them, she said we’d talk about it at the next apt.
She asked me if the social worker Mary had called me to let me know about applying for more PA hours, how I’d have to go through my public health nurse to apply, that the social worker cant do it for me. I said she had called me. Then she broke the news to me as gently as she could.
Mary is moving on. She will no longer be the social worker on dr. barrys team. She got another job, a better one, and she took it. She’s not even with the team a year yet. And now she’s moving on. I was just getting to know her and now she’ll be gone.
I sat and listened, and sighed inwardly. Honestly, I wasnt shocked. I did however expect that she’d be around longer than 8 months. But well, she wont be. So I guess thats that. Someone new will be appointed. So it will be me trying to get to know another new face, another new social worker.
Dr. barry did say that she thought that there would be no social worker on her team for a while. She didnt know how long it would take before a new one will be appointed. Mary is working out her notice and then she will leave.
There is one small consolation. At least I hadnt built up too much of a relationship or bond with her. We were only just starting out. That is one good thing at least. There wont be another painful goodbye.
In fact if I am honest, I didnt think she was all that good at what she did. Granted I am comparing her to Karen, who was brilliant at what she did, but still. She mary, just expected me to do everything, and did not do much of anything herself. I am all for advocating for oneself but well when a social workers job is to do certain things, and then they say you can ring this or that person, speak to them, and stuff try to get done what you had asked her to do, its not good.
Dr. barry also told me new junior doctors had started this week. Two male doctors. It really doesnt make a huge difference to me, I dont ever have to see them, but I prefer when there is a female on the team, just in case dr. barry is ever out or on holiday, I have a doctor I can go to in an emergency. But these new ones are both males.
Those two pieces of news were the big pieces.
she is bringing me back in 10 days time, because on the day she’d usually see me there is some other clinic going on and she cant see patients on that day, so she asked me if I wanted to come back in 10 days time. I said that was fine, but it now means I will have therapy and my dr. barry apt on the same day.
I bet I’ll be exhausted after two apts in one day!
Anyway, it was a good appointment overall.
Dr. barry said we may have bipolar. She is going to evaluate us some more To see where we are at and what type it may be.
I am scared. I have had many friends with bipolar, but what if I cant manage? What if I fuck up?
Hell I’m already fucking up. My moods very off lately. Up and down and all around. Rapid cycling. So its looking like that may be the type I have.
I have been impulsive in the past. Shopping a lot. Drinking a lot. Self harming a lot. I’ve had psychosis in the past, still have it to a degree its just under control now.
I am just really, really afraid.
I know I need to talk more to dr barry about this. And I will. She did say that one med I take could be keeping the more disruptive symptoms at bay. I take depokate. Mainly for seizures, but its also for my mood.
So we shall see where this leads. For now I dont know where its going.
How did you feel when you got your bipolar diagnosis? were you scared?