Relaxing at home today

I am having a quiet day at home. I am glad for the rest. I didnt go to bed until after 5 AM, I wanted to be asleep, but it just wasnt coming. So at around 3:30 I lay down, but I didnt fall asleep until well after 5 AM. I slept until around 8:30, then I got up and fed nitro, had a cup of tea and decided to go back to bed for a while longer. I was able to get another 2 hours of sleep which was nice. The phone woke me. It was the nurse who gives me my 3 monthly shot, apparently I was due to get it today but I forgot about it. It was fine though, I can get it next week. I cant believe I forgot about it. Mom came over to my house for about an hour. She cleaned up the dog poop, and did a few other bits for me. It was nice to see her. I had my lunch while she was here. Now I’m feeling tired again, not sure why that is. My PA will be here at 5:30 this evening. We’re going to take Nitro out for a long walk. He needs a good run. He hasnt been getting much exercise lately so it will be good for him to go out for a long walk. I might take another nap before she arrives. I feel like I need one.

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Phone check in with my CPN Sarah

So yesterday, my CPN sarah, CPN which stands for community psychiatric nurse, phoned me for a check in. Dr. Barry had asked her to do that, since she wasnt able to see me this week. It was a 10 minute phone call. We talked about how I was doing, and managing eileens break. She congratulated me on managing so well. She said I always try my best to cope, that meant a lot to me that she saw that and noticed it. We talked about my sleep, and I told her I am taking the haldol when I dont sleep for more than 2 or 3 nights, she said that was the right thing to do. I made sure to tell her my sleep patters are all off, and I hope she’ll write it in my notes so dr. barry will know before I see her next week. We also talked about slimming world. She asked how I am doing with that, am I still going, and I told her I was. We’re not planning to check in again before Eileens return, but she did offer that if I am struggling I can call and leave a message for her, thats nice to know I can do that, I probably wont have to but its nice to know the offer is there.

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Dr. Barry and me

Saw Dr. Barry this afternoon. It was a good apt. When she came to get me, she was quiet. I wondered if there was something wrong. When we got into her office, she said you dont look good. Are you ok? I told her no, I am not. I am really not ok at all. She said to me that actually, she hadnt known who was out and so when she’d come to get me she wasnt sure if it was me Carol anne, so thats why she’d been super quiet. That figures. I said its definitely me, and she laughed and said yes, as soon as you started talking I knew that it was you. That kinda floored me. How well she knows us, to know that it is me. How does she even do that? Eileen is the same. She can tell when we’re switching. Anyway. We talked about symptoms. I told dr. barry how low we’ve been. How we are feeling like shit. How we’ve been working with allie in therapy lately, on her memories, and that seems to be having an awful effect on us. She listened intently to me. She asked me about daily functioning. How I am doing day to day, if I am getting to do the things I normally do. I told her I was but that its a struggle. I told her I never went volunteering last Friday or yesterday because I just couldnt face it. I told her I had started the prozac, but that I only started it last friday. She said its a pity I hadnt started it sooner as it take a couple weeks to really start working. I told her there had been a problem with getting my prescription. But that I am on it now and making a huge effort to take it every day and take it regularly. She said thats important. I told her I am barely sleeping. That I can sleep for short periods and I am taking the sleep when I can get it. She offered to give me haldol to help with the sleep. She gave me one weeks supply of it. 5 MG tablets. She said the next time I come back we’d renew it then if I need to. She said if the haldol isnt doing anything for me that I can go back on fenergan again. I asked her if haldol or fenergan makes you groggy, which one was more likely to make you more groggy in the morning, and she said the fenergan. That makes me not want to take it as I hate that groggy feeling. So I left her office with my prescription for haldol. I hope it works. We talked a lot about the depression and about the dissociation and about therapy with Eileen. I was telling her about the work Eileens been doing with us. Filling her in on that. We made another apt for 2 weeks time. I hope I feel better by then and I hope the prozac will have kicked in by then. I think she’s going to increase it to 40 MG at our next apt. But it was a productive appointment. I got a lot off my chest and for that I am grateful.

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Missed dr. barry apt last week

We missed our apt with dr. barry last week. Felt too sick and couldn’t get there. We got another apt for next Wednesday, the 22nd. I’m glad we got it for that day as we need to also get our shot on that day.

I hate missing my appointments. I really should have gone, as on that particular week, Eileen was away on her weeks training. So I had no support and really could have used dr. barrys support.

Plus also, she always has good perspective on things. And I do have a lot we need to talk about. I need to talk about my low mood, meds, dissociation and depression etc with her. That is going to have to wait now until next week though.

Im sure it will be an eventful apt. It will be a lengthy one also I bet.

Its actually been or it will be by the time we see her next, 5 weeks since we’ve seen her, that’s the longest we’ve ever gone without seeing her since we started seeing her in 2013.

And I didn’t think we could go that long. I’m proud of us for getting through that many weeks without an apt with her.

I am 2 years hospital free!

Today marks 2 years that we’ve been out of the psych ward! No admissions in the past 2 years! This feels awesome! I feel really great!
I cant believe I have gone so long without an admission! I am going to do something really fun today to celebrate! I might even treat myself to something nice like icecream, or a latte, or something that I dont have often now that I am dieting!
This feels like a huge accomplishment! A huge success!
There was a time when hospital was all I knew! I was in there more than I was out!
Thank god those days of admissions are behind me!
I can never say never, because there may come a time when we need to be in there, but for now I am out and I am so thankful!
And thanks too goes to eileen and dr. barry, without them I couldnt have done it! I wouldnt have had any stability at all without them! So a big thanks goes to them too!
So happy 2 year anniversary to me!
Heres to another 2 or 5 or 10 years hospital free!

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No Dr. barry apt today

Well, it looks like I am not going to have as busy a day as I thought! Since I barely got any sleep only about 3 hours, I went back to bed!
Got a call from Karen who is dr. barrys secretary! Dr. barry cant see me today. She got called away apparently. Some emergency came up. Not sure what, but I am sure she’ll tell me next week.
This almost never happens. I think its only ever happened one other time in 5 years! So I know it must have been something big! She wouldnt do this under normal circumstances.
So we wont be seeing her today. We rearranged for next wendesday instead. Which now means my afternoon is completely free, so I am happy about that!
Im planning on taking it easy and resting!

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I Found out some shocking news today at my dr. barry apt

so i saw dr. barry today. and man was I in for a shock.
You see, at the weekend, there was a very bad car crash near where I live. A man was on his way to the airport to catch a flight to the UK. It was 5 AM and the weather was really bad, it was really foggy out and raining heavily and visibility was very poor.
Well he was hit by a taxi driver as he walked on the street. The taxi driver drove off after hitting him. He killed him on impact. Well, why am I saying all this? Well, that guy, he was dr. Lawler, the psychiatrist who treated me four years ago when I was in the locked ward, when dr. barry asked for a second opinion about whether I was suitable to live alone, it was him she asked to assess us. He was a forensic psychiatrist.
What a shock I got! I had heard on the radio that he was a doctor, and they gave his name, and I have to say I kinda went, wow is it him? But then I didnt think any more about it until dr. barry asked me today if I’d heard the news.
I cant believe it! I was so stunned! He was such an incredibly kind man. Such a caring and very very kind doctor. He is really going to be missed by all of his colleagues and patients. He worked in the locked ward, but dr. barry said he also was a part of a lot of other ventures. His family were all in the UK, and that is where he was going, to see them for christmas.
The poor guy. It is so sad that he was killed. And man does it ever go to show that you just never know when something is going to happen to you. You never can tell when today is your last day, or if it will be. Life is so precious. So very precious.

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