saw dr. barry this morning. it went well.
we talked about the depression and low mood.
she said she thinks something is triggering it, perhaps something that happened during the did reassessment.
i said i wasnt sure but maybe that could be it.
i told her that i am managing it for now. i didnt want to go in to the hospital. i want to try to get through it on my own, in the community.
she agreed with me. she said to keep doing the things i am doing that help me cope with it.
i said blogging had really helped me lately. that everyone on my blog had been so supportive. and so helpful with their lovely comments.
we also talked some about therapy and about insiders who havent worked with eileen before now starting to trust her and work with her. she congradulated us on that.
it was a very good appointment. i was happy to get her perspective on things.
I didn’t go volunteering today. I just couldn’t.
My mood never picked up. I felt really really off. Just was feeling overwhelmed, very much so.
So I called the office and told them I wouldn’t be in.
And then I went to bed. And I actually slept for like 3 hours. And now that I did that I am feeling a little bit better.
Not 100 percent better, but a little at least.
When I woke up I ate something. And then I made a cup of tea.
I think I just have to be nice to myself today. Do a little self care.
Tomorrow I will see dr. Barry. I am thinking I really need to see her. I am actually pretty excited for my apt tomorrow.
Hopefully it will help and I will feel much better after it.
had our apt with dr barry today. it went well.
we werent waiting long at all before she called us in. the clinic was pretty quiet.
she told me it was a good thing i wasnt coming in last week, as she got snowed in and couldnt come in to work on wednesday, thursday or friday.
i talked to her about my anxiety. i told he r how bad it has been. she asked me if i knew why i was so anxious. i said i felt overwhelmed. overwhelmed because i’ve been trying to sort out the system, its been very chaotic lately.
she asked me if i am putting a lot of pressure on myself and expectations on myself to try to fix things when i cant. i said probably thati always seem to do that.
she was looking back on my notes and she said the anxiety seemed to start after our did reassessment. that hadnt even occured to me but when I thought about it she’s right.
that did reassessment was huge.
we talked about sleep, i told her ours was still off.
she didnt really have any suggestions for me, other than to try to put a bedtime routine in place, and stick to it.
thats hard for me though. i just cant seem to do it.
we talked about therapy. i told her that we’ve had a few pretty intense sessions lately. but that we’re progressing and doing some EMDR to process memories.
I asked her about meeting the new social worker on her team. She said she’d make a formal referral. And that I could meet her maybe in two weeks time.
I’m thinking she can help me with funding for some equipment, not sure if she’ll be able to do it but I’ll ask her.
that was about it, it was a shorter appointment today.
I’M SO NERVOUS. I DONT WANNA SEE DR BARRY THIS MORNING. I NEVER TALKED TO HER BUT I HAVE WATCHED. SHE SEEMS NICE, BUT…BUT… I AM NOT READY. I KEEP THINKING WHAT IF SHE SAYS WE’RE DOING BAD AND WANTS TO HOSPITALISE US? CAROL ANNE SAYS SHE WONT. BUT I AM WORRIED. I AM SO DEPRESSED. WHAT IF SHE CATCHES ON TO THAT. WHAT IF SHE SAYS WE NEED TO BE IN THE HOSPITAL TO FIX IT? I DONT WANT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL. I HATE IT THERE. PLEASE PRAY SHE DOESNT SEND ME THERE.
eat a healthy breakfast
see dr. barry
discuss the issue of missing meds with dr barry
do some work on some of the modules in class
eat a healthy lunch
read my book
clean up my old computer so that my niece can use it
go to slimming world and get weighed in
eat a healthy dinner
go to bed at a decent hour
its allie. im so sad.
i realy wanta mom. i want eileen. or dr. barry.
i dont care if i cant have them. i want them. i want a nice mom. a good mom. a mom who will see me. a mom who will love me. a mom who cares.
dr. barry and eileen, they care. they love me. they’ve said it to me.
so i know its true.
ive been cryin a lot tonight.
its so unfair that i have no mom to love me.
i want hugs and kisses, to talk, to be heard.
to be seen, to be me. to be ffree.
i want to live with dr. barry. or eileen. they are my two safe people. i love both of them.
im just so sad. so so sad.
life is so unfair.
allie age 9
i saw dr. barry this morning. it went really well. i told her how depressed i’d been lately. she wondered if i was having side effects to the prazosin. she said low mood can be a possible side effect. she decided not to raise it again or change any of my meds and to just see how things go over the next couple of weeks. i was happy with that decision. i told her i’d joined slimming world. she knows emily is bulimic and today i told her about kelli and her issues with food and weight. she kept asking me if we were eating, i think she was worried because she said are you sure you arent skipping meals. we arent. but we could start if we were not being careful. we talked a little bit about the did reassessment and the final report since it has now come through. i told her a little about the recent memories we’ve been having. that led on to a conversation about the bording school and whether we’d ever taken a case against the school. so then we ended up talking about that for a while. we also talked a little about shirley and her denial of our diagnosis. mostly she denies it, sometimes she’ll say that yes there are people in her head but then she says she doesnt know why they are there, denying any existence of child abuse in our past. dr. barry wondered if i was feeling depressed because i was thinking about all of the responsibility i had in the system. she knows i’ve been avoiding that lately, well ok not avoiding but i’ve been not wanting to talk about parenting the kids. thats a sore spot for me. i said i didnt know. i guessed maybe it was true that maybe i am feeling ambivalent about the parenting of the kids. i dont really want all of the responsibility. its hard enough to be a protector in our system, i think i’m failing miserably at it. dr. barry asked me to think about her and her practice, does she need to know absolutely everything about her patients and what is going on for them in order to deliver a good service? i said i guessed not. she said sometimes its just enough to do your best, and be good enough. she said i hold myself to very high standards, i know that already. i am a perfectionist. i like to do things right. if they arent right i feel bad or like i’m failing and a failure. she said i need to let go of that idea otherwise i’ll drive myself crazy going in circles. i know she’s right. i told her i’d decided to let the kids have time in the evenings so that they might be less activated at night. we talked about it for a while. i told her they seem to like having their own time, but that i didnt know yet whether it was benefiting us as a system. i will have to keep going with it for a few weeks. we talked about sleep and she told me to try herbal tea at night, instead of making tea in the middle of the night wheni am awake. i told her about liz not going to therapy last week and about eileen challenging her on that. it was a good appointment. it was productive. i felt so much better when i came out of there. i felt freer and like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.