dr. barry apt and got my shot

well our apt with dr. barry went great. we were almost late to it though. we had a taxi booked to take us, he was meant to arrive at our house at 8:30. he never showed up. i rang the base and the lady said traffic was mental due to the storms. i told her i had to be there by 8:45. she quickly got a driver to come get me. i was about 5 minutes late meeting sarah. but sarah knew i’d be late. she had an idea i would be due to the bad weather. she had gotten there on time and went indoors. she rang me just as i was arriving. i told her i was just arriving and so she came downstairs to meet me. we first went to get my shot. first of all the building where dr. barry is is huge. when you walk in the main door you take a right turn. go all the way to the end of that corridor and then that is where the mental health services are based. the place where i go for my shot is right by where dr. barry is. that part was good. i got my shot. they weighed me and i’m now 90.5 kg. they gave me my shot. then sarah brought me to the waiting room. the room is open plan. the chairs are so hard. wooden chairs. very hard on your back. i told sarah i didnt think i’d manage the building very well from what i’ve seen of it. i sat and waited for a while before i saw dr. barry. a junior doctor called me to come in but i told him i dont see junior doctors and i would wait for dr. barry. afterwords dr. barry told me he made a mistake, they all only moved in to the building on monday, and things arent set up properly yet so he took my file by accident. finally dr. barry came and got me. she brought me back to her office. she said she’s going to try to book the same office each week for consistency. she asked me if i thought the building was brighter, did I notice the brightness, I did. she said it was very clinical, like a hospital, not very cosy or comfortable. i noticed that too. in the old building it was cosy, and there was only all mental health staff and clients. this new place there are way more people milling around. its just not as homely. we chatted about the move. she knew i was anxious about it. she asked me when the anxiety started about it. i told her after sarah phoned me yesterday to tell me that they’d moved. she then said she’d ask sarah to meet me each time i am coming in, for a few weeks at least. she said she thought I’d eventually be able to navigate the building by myself. I’m glad she has faith in me because I dont. lol. We talked about my sleep. i told her I am only getting 2 or so hours of sleep a night on most nights. i told her the haldol isnt doing anything for me. where as before it would knock me out completely. she asked me if i would like to try fenergan. its a sedating antihistamine. i cant think of the other name for it. i’ve taken it before though. when i took it before it did knock me out. i only took it while i was hospitalised. she gave me a weeks supply and said take it for 3 night in a row. see how i do with that. see if that resets things for me and enables me to get a better sleep. i havent collected the med yet but i will later this week. we talked a lot about therapy. i told her about the new things eileen is trying with us regarding touch and sensory stuff and about eileens training and about our last two sessions. she said it sounds as if we are doing a lot of very intense work. i agreed. we talked through a couple of other things. but mostly it all centred on the move, and on therapy. at the end she made another apt for me for 2 weeks time. and then she very kindly walked me to the entrance where i waited for a taxi. i think i’ll be ok. i think in time we’ll get used to the new layout and the new building. i’m hopeful that we will.

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Hurricane diana!

There is a bad storm outside this morning. It started last night. High wind, rain, and the wind was really whipping up outside, howling very loudly. I wasnt able to sleep with the noise. I am very tired this morning. But I need to go see dr. barry and go get my shot also.
I dont really want to go out in it. But I have no choice. I hope I’ll be ok and manage ok in the bad weather.
I’m going to mom and dads today after I see dr. barry. I got invited to a lunch with the staff of friendly call today too. They are being audited and there is a lunch and they invited me to it. So I will be going to that today but other than that I wont be doing much else today.
The weather warning is in effect until noon. Its pretty bad out there right now.

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On the move!

Well its finally happening! Dr. barry is moving to a new building! I am seeing her tomorrow in the new building! I am so anxious!
My CPN sarah rang me this morning. She said dr. barry was speaking to her and asked her to meet me tomorrow morning as she knows this is a huge deal for me. For one thing I know absolutely nothing about the new building, other than its huge, and there are a lot of other doctors and services in there!
So I am meeting Sarah at 8:45 tomorrow morning. She is going to show me where to go. I also have to get my injection so I will need to be shown where to go for that too!
I hope this new building wont be too hard to get around! I dont know how many times I’ll go before I will know where to go or what I am doing! I have a feeling I will need to do some route familiarisation with nitro! So hopefully sarah will help me out with that!
Dr. barry has been brilliant. She knows change is hard for me. She knows I am an anxious mess. I did not want this to happen! I dont think she did either! Its just that a new medical complex was built and all medical services have to move in there and out of their old buildings as the old buildings are being knocked down!
But OMG this is so strange! So weird and just ug not liking it one bit!
Im glad to have sarah’s help in this though. Makes things a bit easier. She’s lucky I even answered my phone as her number is a private number and I rarely answer private numbers!
Anyway. Will report more on how the move went tomorrow!

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Dr. Barry says I have made progress

So yesterday I saw dr. barry. We were discussing how its now been 1 year since Remy came over and did his assessment, met with myself, dr. barry and Eileen. Dr. Barry said she cant believe its been a year already!

I told Dr. barry that I don’t really feel I’ve made any progress in the last year. Of course she disagreed! She said I have made plenty of progress! I told her I think Eileen would say the same, but that I don’t see it!

So then we talked a little about the progress I’ve made.

She said she feels I now know my limitations, and am able to balance things, and am able to know when I need to say no, step back, or when I have too much on, or people are asking too much of me!

Where as before I’d overextend myself, and then that would lead to a crisis, she feels now that I am much more aware, and am in crisis far less due to that!

She also said that I’ve been out of hospital almost a year now, and how that’s so positive!

She also said I have navigated times of very high stress, and huge triggers very well this past year! I guess that’s true, I sorta have!

I told her how I feel like I take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back, and how that sorta frustrates me! She said that that’s the nature of healing! And I know she’s right!

She said she’s going to email or call Eileen soon. She hasn’t contacted her in a while now, and when we had that assessment last year they had planned to be in touch more regularly.

Im happy that she feels I am making progress! Just hearing her say that made me feel good!

Having her validation means a lot!

I know a lot can happen in a year. I guess, on thinking about it, I can see the huge progress I’ve made.

Just staying out of hospital for a whole year, now that’s positive!

I hope next year I will keep progressing! Eileen and I are going to fill out some paperwork for Remy when she comes back, he’s going to reassess things now, where their at, and make some more recommendations on where we should go from here.

Monday giving thanks!

Thankful to be alive!
Thankful for kind work colleagues
Thankful for my dog
Thankful for good food
A nice warm house!
A hot shower
Clean clothes!
Music and books
My friends!
My family!
Having hope!
Dr. barry!
My therapist eileen!
My health!

So much to be thankful for…

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Old poetry

gripped by fear
she falls apart
tries to self soothe
nothing works
the flashbacks overcome her
vomiting for a whole hour
till her stomach is empty of everything
screaming silently
as a nurse holds her shaking body
is this how it is going to be forever?


hhihihihii everyone
its me em
how are you all?
im ok i gess
im still struggling a little bit
but the suicidal feelings passed
im so happy about it
i dont like it when i feel suicidal
it scares me
im very impulsive
so i have to realy watch out
or else i can do something bad without thinking it through
but i’ve realised something
mostly when im suicidal
i just want support
or someone to listen to me
or to just chat
i dont realy wanna die
but just the feelings feel intense
thats all
but really if i have friends
and support
im usualy ok then
and eileens help of course too
and dr. barrys help
they are real important to me too
thank goodness the bad dates are over now
halloween is gone for another year
so so happy about it
now im looking forward to christmas
and presents and all the nice things we’ll do with our family
are you looking forward to christmas this year?
do you like the holidays?
butterfly hugs
loves you
emily age 12

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