no college tonight and other things

so i found out that the college i go to is closed today. so i have no classes tonight. so that gives me time to get caught up on my reflective learning journal, of which i have two weeks to catch up on, but am i doing that? noooo, of course I’m not. I’m procrastinating.
Kristen came this morning…it was her second last day of working with us. She did some cleaning, went to starbux for us, and helped us make breakfast. we got a pumpkin spice latte in starbux. it was delicious, my first one of the season.
i decided to go stay with mom and dad tonight and tomorrow night. i’m going to see dr. barry tomorrow morning, and then in the afternoon I’m going to a conference on mental health, run by the counselling service at the basement club. my friend norma is coming with me. it should be good. the theme of it is mind your mind.
i read this morning on facebook that another storm is set to hit us at the weekend. not as bad as ophelia but still bad enough with high winds and lots of rain. thats all we need…

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Talking through my anxieties around starting the independent living skills course with dr. barry

i had a great apt with dr. barry yesterday. we mostly talked about me starting the independent living skills course. i told her i have been trying to implement some things so that uncontrollable switching does not occur during the day while we are working on the classes, because the staff at the residential centre where I’ll be living are only trained to work with disabled people, they arent trained to work with mental illness. although there will be at least 3 of us with mental illnesses living there. i know this because two of the other girls who live there told me they struggle with mental illnesses. but anyways. i dont want the younger parts coming out at inappropriate times. i am going to work next week in therapy on implementing some strategies to avoid this if i can. i will make a team of insiders me and a few others, who will participate in the classes during the day. i think that will be the best thing to do. then the kids can come out in the evenings when we’re alone in our apartment. they can watch tv, play games on our phone, blog etc. that way its fair and everyone gets to have time out in the body. dr. barry thought this was a great idea. we talked about my anxiety around starting. i am a little anxious but i suppose thats to be expected. i know there is going to be six of us doing the course, 3 guys and 3 girls. the thing I am most anxious about is using public transport. I just have no confidence, despite my trainer nathalie telling me that she thinks i’d be fine and be able to do it with no problems. when my mental illness got severe some years back i stopped doing routes with my dog, i didnt go anywhere alone, i always took a taxi places etc. i’m determined that on this independent living skills course that I will change this. I want my independence back again, plus also if I dont tackle it now, when it comes time for Nitro to retire they will not give me a new dog. I just have to be brave and face my fears head on. Wish me luck guys.

Change is hard

i’m a little stressed out right now. i guess all this change has caught up to me. so much change. and i am not good with change.

first of all i’ve started with the new cpn sarah. she has already spoken to dr. barry. last week i spoke to sarah about the hard week i’d been having. yesterday i find out she told dr. barry everything. i dont know how i feel about that. i did not realise our sessions werent confidential.

part of me feels relieved that she did speak to dr. barry. but part of me is like, i dont want her to tell her everything i say to her. i know dr. barry is my consultant. and she needs to know how I am doing. I guess I just thought some things would be confidential. After all that is how you build a relationship with someone.

I think though with the mental health team, they all write everything into your chart. So say when i see sarah or mark the OT or the social worker, they write a note in my chart for dr. barry telling her what we’ve been discussing and working on. At least that is what I think happens.

I’m a bit miffed it has to be this way. It feels like everything I say or do is scrutinized. I hate that.

Then there is the did assessment. Its happening soon. Its not an assessment for diagnosing did, thats already been done 7 years ago. But rather an assessment to see where we are going with treatment going forward.

I am nervous. What if they say I can only be treated for so many years. What then. I doubt they will but the worry is still there. These are the did experts, after all. What they say will have a major impact on how dr. barry works with me in the future.

She will take her guidance from them. She will do what they suggest. Eileen reassured me on Monday she isnt going anywhere. That she will be here for us for as long as we need. That it is and will be our choice when we finish therapy. But what if it isnt? What if the funders wont pay for therapy for more than a couple of years. What then?

Its hard to think about. It makes me incredibly stressed just thinking about it.

With my new college course, and the independent living skills course there is also a lot of changes going on with the structure of my days. I will not be able to spend as much time in the basement club as I have been doing. I am afraid of losing that community. Technically I wont, because technically once your a member then your a member for life. I know I can always go back. But when you have been out of the loop for a while it can be daunting to go back again.

I wont be able to go to the basement club once th eindependent living skills course starts. I wont have time. I’ll literally be doing the course from 9 AM until 5 PM every day. There wont be much time for anything because outside of that I’ll have to do my college work for the addiction studies course. I’ll be lucky to be able to keep up with blogs, email and facebook. I hope I will as these are all very important to me.

So yeah a lot of change going on. I just hope I’ll be able to cope with all of it.

Dr. barry says I am fiercely independent

we saw dr barry today. we had a good apt. we chatted and I told her the news about me getting on the independent living skills course. I told her my mom was trying to put obstacles in my way, she wondered why mom was trying to do this.
Is it because she is afraid of losing you?
I am not sure, I said. I dont think so. But its hard to tell really.
Your relationship has grown so much over the last couple of years. Maybe she is fearful of that changing.
Yes, maybe. She did come around eventually to the idea of me doing the course which is good.
Me to dr. barry… I need to do this. I really do. I’m not that independent…
Your fiercely independent! She said. That made me smile.
She believes in me. She sees my determination to do things on my own.
We talked about the did assessment. The funders are almost ready to go ahead with it. The lady whose in charge of funding rang dr. barry. Dr. barry wasnt able to take her call so she is going to ring her back on friday.
She said it looks like it will go ahead soon.
She will have news next week for me.
She’s also going to phone eileen and have a discussion with her about it.
I asked her what exactly she wants out of this reassessment. Guidance, she said. I want to know how the experts are treating did.
I also want to see if there are pharmalogical things regarding your meds that they can suggest.
So its really happening, and soon!

Emily-spending time with dr. barry

i went to our session with dr. barry today. it was good. we were late getting to the clinic because we couldnt get a taxi. the weather today is crappy so thats why. its pouring outside. the taxi driver was really nice. he walked us in to the reception.

we didnt have to wait long to see dr. barry. there was one person before us. then she came and got us. i held her arm as we walked in, she was waring a watch, i could feel it. it felt good holding her arm, i felt connected to her. i wasnt wearing a coat, because we couldnt find our coat before we left this morning. she noticed. she said she wouldnt make a big deal of it today. i liked that she noticed though.

she had a med student with her today but she sent them out of the room when we came in. i asked her why she sent them out and she said she thought we’d prefer it that way. she’s right, i did prefer not to have the student in the room. i would have felt uncomfortable if they were in there when i was talking to her.

we had a lot to talk about. i told her about therapy on monday. it felt good to tell her about how i was feeling both during and after our session. she listened, she said probably the reason i felt so bad after therapy on monday night was because i hadnt internalised what eileen said to me. sometimes i find it hard to internalise the things sh e says. i am learning how to do that but it isnt easy. she said it was good that i used my blog as an outlet for support. and it was good that the people who read my blog were able to remind me that eileen does care about me and she does love me.

we talked about our meeting with sarah last week. i told her it went well. she was happy to hear that. i told her we’d met in her office which made us feel more comfortable. i was meant to get our injection today but we forgot to bring it with us. we’re going to respite next week so we asked her if sarah could give the injection to us tomorrow. we’ll be going up there to meet karen our nutritionist tomorrow. she went and asked sarah if that would be ok, if she could give us our injection tomorrow, and sh e said she could. so we’ll meet her after meeting karen in the morning.

we talked to dr. barry about the privacy issue which came up last week, remember about the guy at the basement club who was reading over our shoulder. she said obviously he didnt realise that it was an inappropriate thing to be doing. she said she hoped denise the co-ordinator would set him straight, tell him it was totally inappropriate for him to be doing that. we havent talked to denise yet as we havent been in to the basement club this week.

we set up another appointment for two weeks time. we will miss not seeing dr. barry next week, but it would cost too much money to get a taxi and go see her. we can go two weeks i think without seeing her. we will see both eileen and sarah next week so that we will still have support. i’m glad about that.

But she is not my mom

yesterday as you all know we saw dr. barry. we had the following conversation as I was leaving.

Both of us stood up, and Dr. Barry took me by the hand.

dr. barry: Your not wearing a coat. Its freezing out there.
me: I’ll be ok.
Dr. Barry: You really need to wear a coat, Carol anne.
Me: Yes, mom. Are you going to nag and lecture me now like my mom?
dr. Barry laughing…No, I promise not to do that.
Me: You can be my second mom! But you need to adopt me first!
dr. Barry: Its hard not to pass a comment when I see you without a coat, my instinct is to tell you to wear one.
Me: Because you care! You are just a caring person and thanks for being so sweet.

Then we walked the rest of the few steps to the reception desk in silence, but with me smiling.

Tonight I am thinking of that conversation and I am hurting. If only she could adopt us, and no, this is not Allie talking. This is me Carol anne, 19 year old me, feeling sad and lonely and not cared about at this very moment.

Attachment trauma really sucks.