Relaxing at home today

I am having a quiet day at home. I am glad for the rest. I didnt go to bed until after 5 AM, I wanted to be asleep, but it just wasnt coming. So at around 3:30 I lay down, but I didnt fall asleep until well after 5 AM. I slept until around 8:30, then I got up and fed nitro, had a cup of tea and decided to go back to bed for a while longer. I was able to get another 2 hours of sleep which was nice. The phone woke me. It was the nurse who gives me my 3 monthly shot, apparently I was due to get it today but I forgot about it. It was fine though, I can get it next week. I cant believe I forgot about it. Mom came over to my house for about an hour. She cleaned up the dog poop, and did a few other bits for me. It was nice to see her. I had my lunch while she was here. Now I’m feeling tired again, not sure why that is. My PA will be here at 5:30 this evening. We’re going to take Nitro out for a long walk. He needs a good run. He hasnt been getting much exercise lately so it will be good for him to go out for a long walk. I might take another nap before she arrives. I feel like I need one.

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Dr. Barry and me

Saw Dr. Barry this afternoon. It was a good apt. When she came to get me, she was quiet. I wondered if there was something wrong. When we got into her office, she said you dont look good. Are you ok? I told her no, I am not. I am really not ok at all. She said to me that actually, she hadnt known who was out and so when she’d come to get me she wasnt sure if it was me Carol anne, so thats why she’d been super quiet. That figures. I said its definitely me, and she laughed and said yes, as soon as you started talking I knew that it was you. That kinda floored me. How well she knows us, to know that it is me. How does she even do that? Eileen is the same. She can tell when we’re switching. Anyway. We talked about symptoms. I told dr. barry how low we’ve been. How we are feeling like shit. How we’ve been working with allie in therapy lately, on her memories, and that seems to be having an awful effect on us. She listened intently to me. She asked me about daily functioning. How I am doing day to day, if I am getting to do the things I normally do. I told her I was but that its a struggle. I told her I never went volunteering last Friday or yesterday because I just couldnt face it. I told her I had started the prozac, but that I only started it last friday. She said its a pity I hadnt started it sooner as it take a couple weeks to really start working. I told her there had been a problem with getting my prescription. But that I am on it now and making a huge effort to take it every day and take it regularly. She said thats important. I told her I am barely sleeping. That I can sleep for short periods and I am taking the sleep when I can get it. She offered to give me haldol to help with the sleep. She gave me one weeks supply of it. 5 MG tablets. She said the next time I come back we’d renew it then if I need to. She said if the haldol isnt doing anything for me that I can go back on fenergan again. I asked her if haldol or fenergan makes you groggy, which one was more likely to make you more groggy in the morning, and she said the fenergan. That makes me not want to take it as I hate that groggy feeling. So I left her office with my prescription for haldol. I hope it works. We talked a lot about the depression and about the dissociation and about therapy with Eileen. I was telling her about the work Eileens been doing with us. Filling her in on that. We made another apt for 2 weeks time. I hope I feel better by then and I hope the prozac will have kicked in by then. I think she’s going to increase it to 40 MG at our next apt. But it was a productive appointment. I got a lot off my chest and for that I am grateful.

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Almost Midnight

Im still up. Its almost midnight. I was going to take some haldol to try to help me to sleep. But I dont want to be groggy in the morning. And I know I will be if I take it.
I refuse to be groggy for therapy tomorrow. Its too important to me. So I am not gonna take any.
If I am unable to sleep, then so be it. I’ll just sit here and blog, read blogs, read email etc.
Is anyone else up still? What are you up to?

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Life is hard tonight

Im swimming in pain right now. Grief. Pain and memories and trauma. Ug. This is hard. This is shit. I feel like crap.

Im trying to distract. I have a show on tv and Im trying to watch it. Its not really working. Think now is the time I wish I had some meds that’d knock me out. Some PRN meds.

I used to take Haldol PRN. But now I don’t. Now I wish I did.

I may ask dr. barry for some tomorrow. I hope she’ll ok it.

I really wish I did not feel so bad. It feelsjust so horrible.