words hurt us

“i dont know why your being assessed”
“there is nothing wrong with you”
“your wasting peoples time and money”
“you are not sikck”
“you must love going to doctors”

all spoken by our dad. words hurt. my heart is empty and heavy. the grief is weighing heavily on my heart tonight.

i wanted mom to go to our assessment on friday. i wanted it so bad. i wanted her to go to support us.

but she said no. a firm no.

“why would i go”

“your being assessed, not me”
“I have no business being there”

“its pointless me going”

nothing about i know its hard so I’ll go to support you. it fucking hurts.



run around tuesday

omg i have had the busiest of days! i literally havent stopped all day.

this morning we did digital media, the rest of the class are all way ahead of me, so this morning our tutor gave me a bunch of exercises to do so i could catch up to the rest of the class. i found them pretty easy, it was mostly common sense, very straightforward, all i had to do was read the notes and then answer questions on them.

after small break we cooked, we made vegetable soup and chicken caesar raps, i will post pics in a separate post. we ate the soup and raps for lunch, it was delicious. who knew butternut squash would be good in soup!

after lunch i went volunteering at cork city partnership. when i got there my supervisor was out of the office, and the girl i normally work alongside was out at a meeting, there were a couple other staff there but they were all busy, so i literally was on my own in reception for about an hour and a half. it was quiet though which was good. the only thing was it was so quiet that i was falling asleep, my eyes were literally closing and i was having a hard time concentrating.

trish, the girl who works alongside me came back at about 3:30 and she made me a coffee. she said i could go at 4:30 but i said i wouldnt, that i’d stay until 5 pm. we had a bit of a catch up over our coffees. then trish went to type up some minutes in another office and i stayed on the phones.

at 5 pm i went to mom and dads for dinner. i enjoyed dinner. i also had to change my outfit because i’d spilled all soup down the front of my top, because i am a disaster when it comes to food and spillages. after i’d eaten i was able to sit and relax for half an hour, talk to mom and dad and watch a little tv, before i had to get ready to leave again.

i had college tonight from 7 pm until 10 pm. the class tonight was so interesting. in our addictions module we learned how drugs effect the brain, the changes that occur in the brain when you take a substance, it was fascinating stuff.

the taxi was a couple of minutes late picking me up after class, but it was ok, the caretaker waited with me. when the taxi did finally pick me up he said he had passengers in his car who were drunk and wouldnt get out of the car. so at least he had a good excuse for being late.

now i’m back in abode, flat out exhausted, and wondering if i’ll be able to sleep tonight. i’ve taken my night meds, had a cup of tea and a yogurt, let nitro out, and now i’m sitting here on the couch surfing the net.

i’m happy with how my day has gone. tuesdays are long, but very productive

update on dads health

dad got a letter today in the mail from his gastro doc. she wants to do the test where he has to drink barium is that how you spell it? anyway, he has to drink it and then do some other stuff, to see how his bowel muscles work. the thing is, he’s tried to have this test done twice already. and they didnt do it because he was in a flare up at the time. it hasnt gone away. he’s been in a UC flare up for weeks now. does anyone know if UC flare ups actually stop? or are they constant? i wasnt sure. anyway. he is supposed to have this done on november 2nd. he wants mom to call them today, again, typical man cant call himself to talk to them but yeah, he asked mom to call to see if they really want him to come in or if they just made an error in sending out the letter.
whatever happens, i hope his flare ups lessen soon. he’s in an awful amount of pain. he’s also supposed to start injections for his brittle bone, he takes meds already for it but the doc wants him to also be on injections. he hasnt started them yet, and when i asked him this morning if he thought he should ring his doctor, he was like no. so where do you go from there?
sigh. men!

Good night, but wait, its good morning?

No sleep for me! I cant believe I’ve been up all night again! Or wait, I can! I did try, I really did…

I turned off the computer at 1 AM. Dr. barry would have been so proud of me. She has told me to turn off all my eletronics an hour before bed. She said screens should be shut off an hour before sleep! I’m like woman are ya joking me? Me? Shut them off? Noooo I cant!

But I did last night! Still, couldnt sleep. Not even a wink! Lay there for 2 hours tossing and turning. Wishing my eyes would close. Eventually I got tired of just laying there, so I went on youtube, read for a while, then listened to music. And then I got back up and turned back on my PC.

Mom and dad got up at around 8. So then I got up too because I was so thirsty and really needed a cup of tea! My dads in a right strop this morning. He says he’s in pain, but when mom asked him to go to the doctor he almost had a spas attack! He was like “what is a doctor going to do? Give me pills?” I was like uh yeah what else? He wont go but he just wants to continue moaning at us! It gets so old.

I havent eaten yet this morning. My appetite seems to be non existent first thing in the morning. Karen said that might be because I ate late the night before, and I have no gall bladder so the fat in the food has no way of breaking down. So then she said I’d still be full the next morning. That is why she told me to use the lecithin granuals.

I’m going to see rose today. I am looking forward to it. I’ve been saying for 3 weeks I’d visit her. She texted at 2 AM this morning asking if i was definitely coming over today. So I texted back saying yes I was and I’d see her at 2 PM.

Well better get off here and try to be productive, who wants to place a bet as to how long I can last before tiredness overtakes me?

He can be so critical

sometimes my dad is such a dick head. yes, he can be an asshole. I love him most of the time, but not tonight.

He just made me feel like shit. Not that he’s not done that 1000 times in my life already, but did he really have to do it tonight when I was already feeling bad?

I was talking to mom tonight about nitro’s trainer coming to do some route training with us. She wanted to teach me how to get to the city centre from where I now live on the bus. I was nervous about it, but willing to try it out.

She wanted my mom to be there for the first time while she did the route just as far as the local bus stop with me. Just so my mom could help me practice it and get familiar with it.

So I was telling mom this. And my dad butts in with dont bother going, she’ll never do it. Lovely, dad. Thanks for having a little bit of confidence in my abilities.

So then he continues with why would you want to get the bus when you can get a taxi to where your going? I tried to say because I need to work Nitro more. Then he keeps on with well when nitro retires you shouldnt get another dog, you will never learn this bus route, dont even try.

What a fucking idiot! And now thanks to his very critical outburst I feel like fucking crap.

I wonder if everyone thinks I’m a failure because I dont do enough work with nitro? And I cant go a lot of places by myself?

Obviously my dad does.

Update on my dad

so as you know my dad was having a scan yesterday on his bowels. Well he never had it. He went to the hospital, and they started it. They gave him the dye to drink, he drank it and they were just about to put the rest of the dye up through his bowel when a nurse asked him what meds he was on. When he told her he was on steroids she said she couldnt continue to do the scan. She said if she did it she thought it would do more damage to his bowel because of the fact he was taking steroids. So he never had it done. The thing I was confused about is this. That gastroenterologists he is seeing put him on those meds, she’s also the doc who ordered this scan. You’d think she’d know what damage could occur from the steroids right? It doesnt really make sense to me. Anyway he was pretty pissed off that he didnt get it done. I would be too if I was him. He was pinning all of his hopes on this scan to try to figure out what treatment he’d be getting. Now he has to wait again for another letter from the gastro doc to see what she will do next. He has an apt to see her in october already but I’m not sure if she’ll give him another earlier appointment now since the scan wasnt done. Either way he has to have a liver ultrasound in september. So well thats where things are at with it right now.


i would really appreciate if my readers would send prayers and positive vibes my way. my dad is going in to have a scan of his bowels today. i am nervous for him and feeling anxious about the outcome. we wont know the outcome for a few weeks could be anything up to two months. he doesnt see the gastroenterologist again until october. this scan is to look at both his upper and lower intestines. he has to drink a dye. i know what its called but i cant spell it lol. barium or something? anyway it takes 2 hours to complete the scan. i just hope its not bad news. would really appreciate any support.