Night time is…

Nights are A scary time for me
Ghosts from my past
Creep in
Unseen faces
Tell me things
Whisper in my ear
Haunt me
I think crazy thoughts
Cant quite stop them
Even though I want to
Sleep does not come
No matter what I do
Holding on
Held together with superglue
I sit, wait
For the night to end
For the daylight to return
Only then
Will I be
Ok, safe, happy

Poetry…give up the fight

tears trickle
blurry vision
seaping from her eyes
down her cheeks they cascade
she’s in pain
not physical pain
its all emotional pain
hiding her feelings
she cries into her pillow
hoping nobody will hear her
her sorrow is immense
her overwhelm is palpable
her expression so full of sadness
drained, alone, and so, so tired
she is ready to give up
give up this fight

Ug sigh!

Am in a bit of a func. Not good at all this is not good guys.
I am so disheartened about my weight and being up tonight at weigh in.
Its not the only thing on my mind though. I also am having a lot of body memories and flashbacks.
It totally sucks! I want to sleep but my mind wont switch off. Ug!
Hate this! Why is healing so difficult?

I dont feel good…

its allie. i dont feel too good. im lonely. i feel so sad. dont know why. just am feeling weepy and crying a lot tonight.
anyone around? anyone talk to me?
feeling sad sucks. i dont like it. but who does?
i think i need a hug. wish eileen was here.
allie age 9

Middle of the night

Its 4:45 in the morning. I’ve been awake since 3 AM.
I couldn’t go back to sleep. I woke and that was that.
I am feeling kinda off at the moment. Mentally I don’t feel ok.
Emotionally I feel a mix of sadness and overwhelm. I think its going to be a long day.
I hate waking up and feeling so bad. I wish I could’ve gotten more sleep.

Sadness creeps in

hhihihii every body
it me emily
how are you all?
im sad tonight
march and april are not good months for me
easter is always a hard time of the year for me
and thats coming up soon
plus its our birthday on easter weekend too
i dont like our birthday
there are too many bad memories from our past
it makes me feel sad
tonight i feel so sad
i’ve been crying a lot
just feel so hopeless
depressed and so down and just an intense sadness
i wish i didnt have to feel so much responsibility
i feel like i should watch out for the kids inside with me
even though carol anne said no
she said the grown ups will do that
so why do i still feel so responsible for them?
sometimes i just want to be 12
i just want to do 12 year old things
i’ve been trying a little
eileen said i shouldnt worry about adult things
but i do anyway
i cant help worrying
im mostly sad now because of remembering things that happened to me at easter time
a lot of bad stuff happened around that time
i dont like to remember
i hope i can sleep tonight
butterfly hugs



Here I sit
feel overwhelm building
What a feeling
I really hate how I feel
Try to conceal
It doesnt work
Feel so hurt
A look, a word
Makes me feel so unheard
I start to cry
Why, oh why?
Do I have to feel so low
Why does it seem to be all I know?
Each day I try
that today is the day
When I will feel better!
I continue to sit
Emotions shift
I hope, I pray

Will I feel this way tomorrow?
I hope not…
For now though, I think my brain has been shot!