Therapy session today: How our abusers tortured us and taught us to numb the pain

its ash. im one of emilys insiders. one of her darks. im 18 years old.
today we talked with eileen, well i did. i talked a lot about the abusers, and the kinds of things they’d do to us. it was so hard. it felt wrong to be talking about it, but then I knew I had to, talking is the only way of healing, we have to break our silence, and let down our guard. I trust Eileen enough to be able to do that with her.
i was telling eileen how the abusers trained us not to feel pain. the cult abusers I mean. they’d torture us and hurt us so bad, until we’d create more parts to deal with the pain and then eventually we’d create insiders who just were blank, numb, didnt feel any pain at all, even when the worse pain was going on.
it was just awful. the worst thing is too that the cult created certain insiders, they created them and so now they know their names, they know how to get to us through those insiders. so when we try not to respond to them, they have a bunch of insiders that they created who will respond. my sister zara talked to eileen too today, and she told her that if she saw an email come in from one of the abusers, that she isnt sure she wouldnt answer it, she was just being honest, and eileen really appreciated her honesty.
we havent had back and forth contact with the abusers for months now. yes they’ve tried, they’ve tried to get hold of us, they’ve tried phoning, emailing etc etc. but liz or Carol anne always catch the emails and delete them before anyone who might be tempted can respond to them. which is really good. eileen thinks it is too. she said she’s proud of us and how far we’ve come in the last couple of years. there was a time when all we did was get constantly hurt by the abusers, there was some insiders here with us who’d constantly take us to them, they’d take us off to dublin and we’d end up being raped or hurt in some other sick way.
it was a tough session today. eileen said we need to just go slow with all this. she said its not really about telling the story, so much as its about how we are from having gone through what we did, how we are now because of it. that made a whole lot of sense to me.
all the talk of cult abuse and abusers started when we were having a conversation about SE, SE stands for somatic experience therapy, that is what eileen is training in, she’s training in how to be a somatic experience practicioner. we talked about trauma, the nervous system and how trauma is stored up in our bodies, and that led on to me telling eileen about the fact that we dont feel pain even when we should, I gave an example of putting our hands in a sink of scalding hot water, and not realising we’d gotten burned, because there was no cold water in the sink, only hot. We never realised until it was too late, and the pain didnt register with us at all.
so much to think about, I’ll be processing this for a while this week, I think.

I think I need my ear sirenged

My ear is all clogged up. I woke up feeling awful. It is painful and sore and hurts a lot. I think I will have to make an appointment to go see the doctor, he’ll probably have a look at it, and then tell me to see the nurse who will siringue it for me. Its been coming on me since Friday but I bought this over the counter oil to soften the wax and ease pain, but this morning it is quite bad, and I just dont feel too good. The thing is, its very hard to get an appointment at my gp’s surgery. Sometimes your waiting a week or more to get one. I am going to ring tomorrow morning, very early, and hope they’ll fit me in tomorrow afternoon. I was going to cancel therapy to go, but that didnt make a lot of sense, since I know when I ring up I probably will have a hard job getting an apt. If I cant get one tomorrow I’ll try for tuesday afternoon, and just not go in to work. Something needs to be done though. I am going to Killarney on Friday and I cant go with my ear like this. I can barely hear out of my left ear now. It is throbbing and hard to hear out of it.

Virus-free. www.avg.com

SO JADED

I AM WORN DOWN
BEATEN
I AM SO JADED
BUT STILL
STILL I GO ON
I RISE UP
DO WHAT I NEED TO
TO SURVIVE IN THIS WORLD
I AM STRONG
DESPITE THINKING I AM NOT
I SHALL CONTINUE
TO FIGHT
DESPITE
THE OVERWHELM
EMOTIONAL INSTABILITY
AND PAIN

LIZ

http://fivedotoh.com/2019/10/13/fowc-with-fandango-jaded/

Virus-free. www.avg.com

Giving up

I sit here
Darkness swallowing me up
Anxious thoughts
Tears fall
As I try to speak
But
No words come
I am numb
Numb and alone
I say a silent prayer
But who am I praying to?
I pray the feelings subside
I am unable to hold in the tears
Silently they fall
As my dog sits beside me
Looking at me
Nudging me with his soft warm nose
Oh how I hate
This dark night
I want to just give up
Give up this fight

Karissa age 15

LIZ ON THERAPY: THE DARKS ARE NOW WORKING WITH EILEEN!

HI! ITS ME LIZ! SO TODAY IN THERAPY SOME OF THE DARKS IN MY SYSTEM TALKED. THE ADULT DARKS. THEY TALKED AND A LOT OF THINGS GOT WORKED ON. WE DISCUSSED WHY THEY DIDNT WANT TO OPEN UP, DISCUSS ANYTHING, WHY THEY DIDNT WANT TO PARTICIPATE IN THERAPY. IT CAME TO LIGHT THAT THEY WERE PROGRAMMED DURING THE ABUSE NOT TO REVEAL ANYTHING, NEVER TO TELL OR DIVULGE ANY INFO. IF THEY DID THERE WOULD BE SEVERE CONSEQUENCES, THE PROGRAMMING INVOLVED PHYSICAL PAIN TRAINING, SO IT WAS PRETTY MUCH DRILLED IN TO THEM NOT TO TALK. EILEEN WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. SHE TOTALLY GOT IT. SKYLER AND RAYNE BOTH SPOKE TO HER. BOTH OF THEM ARE ADULTS. SKYLER SAID SHE HAD NO TIME FOR THE KIDS, AND THEIR NEEDS, AND THAT IS HOW THEY GOT ON TO TALKING ABOUT TRAUMA AND PAIN TRAINING, BECAUSE SHE WAS EXPLAINING TO EILEEN ABOUT THE KIDS IN THE DARKS BEING HOLDERS OF TRAUMA, AND SHE WAS SAYING HOW SHE FEARED IF THEY STARTED REVEALING THEIR TRAUMAS, THAT THE FEELINGS WOULD OVERWHELM THE ADULTS. EILEEN REASSURRED THEM THAT SHE WASNT GOING TO LET THAT HAPPEN. RAYNE CAME OUT AFTER A WHILE AND SHE WAS CALMER. SHE TOLD EILEEN THAT SHE FEELS SAFE NOW, AND TRUSTS EILEEN AND IS WILLING TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP AND BEGIN WORKING ON MEMORIES AND ON THE TRAUMA. EILEEN ASKED THEM TO MAKE A CONTRACT WITH HER, AND IT SAYS THAT IF THEY GET OVERWHELMED, OR FEELINGS COME UP THAT ARE HARD TO HANDLE, THAT THEY’LL CONTACT EILEEN, AND NOT SELF HARM OR DO DAMAGE INTERNALLY. THEY DID AGREE TO THIS. EILEEN SAID SHE’S MAKING HERSELF AVAILABLE AND THEY CAN REACH HER ANY TIME, THROUGH TEXT, EMAIL OR BY PHONE. THAT WAS SO KIND OF HER. WE REALLY APPRECIATE THAT SHE’S DOING THAT FOR US. RAYNE TOLD HER THAT SHE DIDNT FEEL WE’D SELF HARM NOW, EVEN IF WE FEEL LIKE IT SOMETIMES. THAT WE’VE NOT DONE IT IN A LONG TIME, AND WE DIDNT THINK WE’D START THAT HABIT UP AGAIN NOW. ITS GOOD THAT SHE’S AVAILABLE TO US IF WE NEED HER, THAT MAKES A HUGE DIFFERENCE. SHE SAID WE NEED TO TAKE THINGS SLOW. WE NEED TO DO THIS WORK SLOWLY. THE ADULTS NEED TO ALL BE ON BORD, IN ORDER TO WORK WITH THE KIDS, BECAUSE THEY NEED TO BE ABLE TO ALSO SUPPORT THE KIDS. THATS GOING TO BE HARD, BUT I THINK WE CAN MANAGE IT. I’M HOPEFUL THAT WE CAN. EILEEN SAID THE DARK KIDS CAN EMAIL HER, BUT FOR THEM NOT TO DETAIL MEMORIES IN THE EMAIL, SINCE IT MAY OVERWHELM US, SHE SAID THOUGH IF THEY FEEL SAD, MAD, ETC THAT THEY CAN WRITE TO HER AND TELL HER HOW THEY FEEL. BUT THAT WE’LL DISCUSS THE TRAUMAS DURING OUR SESSIONS. THAT MAKES SENSE TO ME. I’M GLAD WE’LL BE DOING THAT. IT FEELS LIKE A LOT OF PROGRESS WAS MADE TODAY. I’M HAPPY WITH HOW OUR SESSION WENT. IT CERTAINLY WASNT WHAT I EXPECTED. I WAS OUT AT THE START, AND I HAD TEXTED HER BEFORE GOING IN, TO SAY I COULDNT FIND MY WORDS AND THAT I HOPED SHE’D BE ABLE TO HELP ME. SHE’D TEXTED ME BACK SAYING WE’D WORK IT OUT AND FOR ME NOT TO WORRY. AND TRUE TO HER WORD, SHE DID WORK IT OUT AND I AM SO GRATEFUL TO HER. HER GENTLENESS AND KINDNESS NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE ME. SHE MAKES ME FEEL SO SAFE, SO VALIDATED, SO LOVED. WHEN WE SAID WE FELT SAFE ENOUGH TO DO THE WORK NOW, AFTER 7 YEARS OF SEEING HER AND HER NOT LEAVING OR GOING ANYWHERE, SHE SAID, THATS A VERY BIG STATEMENT, AND ITS TRUE, IT WAS. BUT WE DO, WE FEEL THAT NOW ITS TIME, ITS TIME TO RELEASE SOME OF THE TRAUMAS, AND MEMORIES AND BEGIN TO HEAL AND BEGIN TO PROCESS THEM. EILEEN IS WITH US, SHE’S GOING TO BE THERE AND SHE WONT LET US FALL, SHE’LL HOLD US AND CATCH UP AND BE THERE FOR US THROUGH IT ALL. AND I AM SO GLAD WE HAVE HER. IT FEELS LIKE WE CAN DO THIS WITH HER BY OUR SIDE. WITH HER BY MY SIDE, I CAN CONQUER ANYTHING!

Worlds worst headache!

Last night I had the worst headache! Omg guys it was a killer!
All I could do was go to bed!
I took two paracetamol and off I went into bed!
I had planned on spending the evening with my mom and my two aunts, but I wasn’t even able to do that!
I just felt so crappy! My head throbbed and it hurt so much!
I was blaming the heat, as the house was very warm!
I really am not sure what caused it!
I woke up this morning feeling much much better though!
I am so glad as I hate headaches!
Do any of you get headaches? Do you get them often?