7 March, 2018 04:57



please, dont stop trying?

you tell me to relax
i cant
i’m pacing
back and forth
in an agitated fashion
come on, relax now
you say softly
its no use
i’m starting to spiral
as i flit in and out
i hear you try to bring me back
but the memories have taken over
now i’m right back there
right back in the midst of it
and nothing you can do will pull me out
but please, i beg you
please, keep trying?
dont let me drown in the flashback

Kelli on ed issues

hi. im kelli and im 16. im not new to our system but today was my first time going to therapy. well i didnt actually show up, but i did get som e time to talk to eileen. she actually asked for me, once emily told her who i was. that felt nice. it felt good to be seen and i liked that she wanted to talk with me and get to know me.
i have issues with food and weight. and emily had been talking to her about us having joined slimming world. i said i didnt want to get skinny, im happy to be fat. eileen wondered why that was.
so then we talked about triggers, and memories. that was hard. i told her that once our abuse came out the abusers told me that they werent interested in me any more anyway, because they said my body was changing, eileen said it could be that they werent interested because i was growing up, at 15 i was getting older, and it might not be about my body at all.
i never thought about that. i guess she could be right.
we were discussing my triggers and i started to feel really young, like 9 or 10. and i started to dissociate and get really foggy. i was being pulled into a memory and i couldnt get back to the room, i could barely hear eileens voice talking to me.
when i finally did get grounded, she asked me to step back from the memory, so i did, and then i was able to report what i was seeing to her.
when we were in the bording school, food was always used as a punishment, they’d purposefully not allow us to have any. so then we’d go to school and sneak food from the day pupils, and then, when we’d come back to the bording part of the school for our lunch, the staff would make us sick, to prove we hadnt eaten anything while we were at school.
they’d give us syrup of ipecac and make us violently ill.
that was what i kept remembering today. eileen patted my hand and held it and kept telling me its ok, you’ll never have to protect that 10 year old from hurt again. and she kept telling me what an awesome job i did of protecting the 10 year old me.
it was so hard. i couldnt believe i was actually talking in therapy about all this. i never ever in a million years thought i would.
but i’m glad i did. she said she did not think we were finished with this topic by a long shot. that there was a lot muddled up in food and a lot of trauma and messages and different people in the system wanting different things.
she told me for this week i needed to rest, maybe take some time out to do an activity i liked, and to put my memories ina container until next time until we could work with them again.
that is what i am trying to do now.

Daily prompt:suspicious

i am afraid
afraid to let anyone in
afraid of closeness
afraid of people
afraid to trust
if i must trust
it takes me forever
i am suspicious of everyone
and with good reason
i’ve had my fare share of hurt and pain
in my past
and it lingers
old habits die hard
wounds run deep
and i keep
it hidden well
because if i tell
i’m suspicious and afraid
that some day
someone will hurt me again
and this time
there will be no coming back from that place of hurt

Ways that depression and anxiety can cause physical pain

An article from the mighty, talking about ways in which depression and anxiety can cause physical pain.