Rejection

it’s knowing how hard life can be

and knowing before the age of three

its being rejected before you can speak

and living by it week by week

no hugs, no tickles, no high fives

nothing to show you exist, your alive

you cant be stirred from your bed

you are trying to get the nighttmare out of your head

Carol anne

I have an awesome mom!

ok so my mom is really awesome, even though she said I was a whiner a little bit ago. she just did something lovely for me. i told her my back really hurts, and after giving me a painkiller she asked me if I’d like a hot water bottle to put on my back to ease the pain and so i said yes to that and she went and made me one. then she brought me extra pillows so now i am sitting up on the bed with two pillows at my back and a hot water bottle too. the heat is really helping my muscles to relax and i am hoping they will be less tensed up with the hot water bottle surrounding that area. mom said that if its not gone by monday that i should take the vivamo i have at home, they were from the last visit to my gp, he gave me vivamo to take the inflamation down and i have about 5 left so can take those. i am going away next weekend to killarney in co. kerry and i dont want this to be an issue during my trip or it will be spoiled. so i will do all i can to get rid of this pain before then.

I think I put my back out

my back is really sore and painful today. i think i’ve pulled it. probably from all the exercising i’ve been doing. when i bend forward it hurts. when i am sitting if i sit a certain way or try to straighten out my legs too far it hurts. getting out of bed hurts too. its a sort of shooting pain. not pleasant. i’ve taken a strong pain killer for the pain. hopefully that will work. i hope it doesnt make me go to sleep. i was going to drink a cup of coffee to make sure i didnt fall asleep but mom said that it probably wouldnt be a good idea to drink coffee and take painkillers as well. so i’m having tea instead. the pain has been there for 3 days, but i ignored it until today. its my lower back thats effected. i’m hoping its just a muscular thing and it will come right on its own given a day or two resting. i am not good with pain, i dont tolerate it well. i’d never be a good chronic pain patient. i’m just a very bad patient. my mom says i am a moan and a whiner. i’m like thanks very much i love you too. lol. i’m just gonna try to ignore it and do other stuff for the evening and hope it settles down soon.

flashback trauma

flashbacks are kicking our collective ass. horrific memories are running rampant. taunting us. making us crazy. sending us spiraling. triggering us into a place of emotional instability.

Right now, I feel awful. I want an end to this pain. An end is all I want.

But it never ends. The pain threatens to take me down. If only the memories would stop?

Poetry

what is it that makes people go
is it when my mood is low
they have no time
rush off leaving me alone
is it because they see my neediness
and they dont want to deal with it
is it because i am too much
too broken
too damaged
too fragile
i share, they dont want to hear or care
so what now
i shut down
and stay on my own
forever

Flashbacks are a bitch

ok. i feel like crap. i couldnt eat dinner. i felt too ill. sick from constant flashbacks. its hell. i keep feeling like i’m gonna throw up.

waves of nausea and pain keep coming over me. i am debating whether i should just go ask my nurse amanda for a PRN of haldol. the thing is if i take haldol now, i’ll probably fall asleep and I dont want that because then I’ll be all unsettled for tonight.

my mom is coming to visit me later and i want to be ok for her. if she sees me like this she’ll only get upset. i sware flashbacks are a bitch. they sneak up on you and before you know it they leave you feeling depleted and debilitated.

just feel so sad and so alone. pain is unbearable. i just want an end to it.