Death of my cousin

I just found out, my cousin, Alison, she’s 50, and lives in england, and last october she was diagnosed with liver cancer and she just passed away tonight.
I am devastated. She was an incredible person. A kind, caring lovely and wonderful person.
she had had an operation to remove the tumour on her liver, but then she found out after having the surgery that she was terminal, she died in her daughters house, at 8 PM tonight.
Her daughter, jade is 30, and her son jordan, he’s in prison, so he never got to say goodbye. Its so sad for him.
She had two grandkids, both under 7.
I am just devastated for the family. i cant believe it has happened. You really just never know from one day to the next do you? Her mom and dad are both still alive, both of them are in their 70’s.
Life is so cruel. And it can change in an instant.
Please keep them in your thoughts. I will probably be going to the funeral, but that wont be happening for a couple weeks I’d say.
We’ll have to travel to england for it. My mom and sister and me will all probably go.
Heartbroken tonight at hearing this news.
carol anne

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1liner wednesday

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.

Someone said that to me today. In response to me saying I felt unstable.

Seems a rather odd thing to say, but on reflection its so true. And that my friends is more than one line, but oh well. It is what it is.

https://lindaghill.com/2019/02/20/one-liner-wednesday-i-need-to-get-out-more/

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Blood red

these memories come
leave me numb
gasping for breath
as my heart rate quickens
thump, thump
blood red
innocence gone
a childhood stolen
pain and fear
voices scream
i can hear
fear, fear
as the blood spills
memories, emotions
collide and life
is unmanageable for a while
but somehow
i pull it together
and fight another day
fight for my survival

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/02/10/blood/

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More loss. Another friendly call client of mine died this past week

So I just found out on the drive to work that another of our clients died. Her name was CAtherine. She had COPD and she had been in hospital since jan 1st. She passed away on wednesday in hospital.
She was only 72. She was one of my favourite clients. She’d been a client of friendly call for about 7 years.
She was always so grateful to get a call and she would constantly tell me how grateful she was and how wonderful I was for doing the job that I do.
I am going to really miss her. I got really friendly with her over the last 7 or 8 months. We built up a great rapport.
We’ve had so many losses lately in friendly call, 3 clients in two weeks. I hope we dont have any more now for a while.
I am kinda shocked that Catherine died so suddenly. She will certainly be a huge loss to all of us.

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Poetry

fear grips me
and I spin
counting, 1, 2, 3
My mind spins wildly!
Churning stomach
Clammy, hot, sweaty
Tight chest
As I try my best
To shake this feeling
This feeling of utter dread
Climb out of bed
In the middle of the night
Pure terror, pure fright
Grips me with all of my might!
This is what nightmares look like
This is flashbacks
This is pure hell!
Oh how I wish
It would end
Not tonight, I say to myself
As I make some tea
And now that I am wide awake
Prepare for the day ahead

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End the stigma, mental health quote

“When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate. Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to survive. We come back to life thinner, paler, weaker … but as survivors. Survivors who don’t get pats on the back from coworkers who congratulate them on making it. Survivors who wake to more work than before because their friends and family are exhausted from helping them fight a battle they may not even understand. I hope to one day see a sea of people all wearing silver ribbons as a sign that they understand the secret battle, and as a celebration of the victories made each day as we individually pull ourselves up out of our foxholes to see our scars heal, and to remember what the sun looks like.”
― Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things

Parts are triggered

feeling kinda suicidal right now. trying, trying hard to not go there. but the past is being triggered, i am feeling desperate, I feel so alone, right now. So so alone. I just want an end to this triggering, I feel young parts gathering around, being sucked into the past, feeling so triggered, so emotional, they are so vulnerable, they are crying, crying so hard right now.
Its a hard place to be in. I dont know what to do for them. I wish I knew. I feel so sad for them. I want to care for them and look after them but I am unable to right now. I am unable to give them what they desperately crave, which is love, validation, belonging, I tried to give a few of them a hug, but even that isnt coming to easily at the moment.
I guess I’ll keep trying. I feel so low right now. I feel so depressed. My mood is dark, I am in a dark place, I feel like just ending it. Survival is not all that its cracked up to be.
I just want to feel better. Right now that seems like wishful thinking. I think I’ll go take a shower and let the water pour down on me. Feel the water, and breathe, and maybe put on some nice smelling lotion, and maybe then I’ll feel better. I hope so.

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