What if?

sitting here
living in fear
fear he’ll find me
if he does
what then?
what will he do?
what will be my fate?
silence as i sit
shiver and quiver
my next move
and contemplate
his, too.

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Old poetry

gripped by fear
she falls apart
tries to self soothe
nothing works
the flashbacks overcome her
vomiting for a whole hour
till her stomach is empty of everything
screaming silently
as a nurse holds her shaking body
is this how it is going to be forever?


staring blankly ahead
numb, disengaged
numb to everything
everyone around her going on with life
as she sits and tries to breathe
rapid heartbeat
shallow breath
feeling so unsettled
unstable, the instability is the worst thing
she hears others voices
sees them in front of her
they try to engage with her
but she cant engage with them
she cant speak
for if she does
a torent of tears
will escape her eyes
slide down her face
why? why is she so sad?
haunted by memories
memories of horrible things
in her past
the memories, last
unable to stand them now
not for another minute
so she somehow starts to try
to distract
to engage her mind
as time ticks by
ever so slowly
and she ponders
is it going to be like this forever?

Is suicide a sin? or selfish? Hell nooo!

why is it that so many people think suicide is so wrong? and selfish?? almost every night/day i read shit on the internet about suicide as one method to keep me staying alive. i dont know why, but it seems to be working (along with Nitro)). i have even read about people who blew their heads off. not too pretty. perhaps knowing that i would crap my pants and lose most of my bodily control is enough to temporarily prevent me from doing the act. although, if i killed myself in the woods, no-one would find all the fluids. what blows my mind is that helpers responding to comments or posts or whatever..often state that (a) suicide is a sin and (b) suicide is selfish. SIN?? would killing myself be anymore of a sin than some of the other things i have been forced or had to do to survive? Seriously?
isnt sex a sin? whether forcefully fucked or fun fucking sin. if that counts i was sinning as a young child who didnt even know what it meant.
isnt treating your body poorly a sin? my drinking, drugging, self-harming all sin.
isnt not honoring the people who were caring for you a sin? i guess that includes all the times i told anyone of them to fuck off too sin.
isnt lieing and stealing sins?
and apparently using gods name badly is a sin too. so if i am going to blow my head off, i better not say oh god before i pull the trigger. sin.
you get my point?
I have even read that suicide would be considered the ultimate sin because you cant ask for forgiveness. if i ask for forgiveness before i pull the trigger, does that count?
. i am not a religious person, but crap, if there is a higher being and if he/she is condemning people because they kill themselves, thats pretty mean. do you have ANY fucking idea the amount of pain necessary needed to hold a gun in your mouth or stand on a bridge or stick a handful of pills in your throat?
i think this higher being that doesnt forgive has some role in the pain people are placed in. dont you? .. and then not to forgive when a person ends the painmakes no sense to me. some of us simply do not heal and the pain may ebb and flow, but it is always FUCKING THERE
most people kill themselves because they are in pain and see themselves as a burden on society and especially their loved ones. because we are in so much pain, we see ourselves as constantly bothering those around us. we are constantly fucked up, constantly fucking up, and we know people get tired. dont you think we know that? killing ourselves helps you out.
People who tell suicidal people that they are being selfish are being selfish themselves. why are you saying that? reality check..you are just trying to protect yourself from the impact and having to deal with the feelings that a suicide would bring. how selfish is that = dont kill yourself because i will grieve and have feelings.
some of us truly have no one. if i disappeared and my body was never found because i blew my head off in a desolate park. a couple people might wonder what happened to me, but they would move on thinking i moved on too. many of you reading my blog can not understand the depth of emotional pain i live with. Eileen cant. dr barry cant. My parents cant. no-one can. my entire world has been altered by my life experiences and it is foolish to believe that the longer i live, the greater likelihood that my pain will disappear. it may subside, but it will always be there. i was damaged, broken down, and thrust into 18 years that changed me.
i am broken beyond full repair.
who was i and who might i have been if i had an ounce of normalacy growing up?
i will NEVER fucking know.
In a defeatest voice, they all won, and I have to figure out how to deal with last place before throwing in the towel for good.
Suicide isnt about sin and it is not about being selfish. It is about pain, and in a fucked up way it is about survival.

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Eileen, are you listening? from some distressed insiders

I want to talk to you. Tell you what it feels like to be alone in a house with someone you know is going to hurt you. When your a little kid and youve already had about a million experiences that tell you what hes going to do next. When you can barely remember it not happening over and over again. When everyone ignores the ways you try to tell without saying the words. When the people who are supposed to take care of you and defend you and love you, hurt you. And you didnt have anybody to explain to you why. And youve got 1000 ideas about how things work that are all backwards. And most of those ideas were bad and dirty. And you didnt know what they all meant, except something about no one cares. And in the process of being told not to tell, you worry your going to get told on because you think your doing something wrong. And you have nothing to call your own because even your most absolute favourite thing is taken away and a certain place you actually used to like to sit and look out the sliding glass doors is now used to torment you. And you realise theres something wrong with you because there doesnt seem to be other kids with this problem. And your alone in the world. And you probably wont make it through the next hour without someone saying or doing something to hurt you. Something youll never forget as long as you live, but something you give to someone else inside your head to remember for you so you dont have to think about it so much. And when you do think about it you just cry. And when you get bigger and bigger you think all people are going to hurt you. Even when they try to love you. Its too late for you to believe. And you wonderare they going to hurt me too? Are they going to leave? So I want to tell you these things and I dont know if your interested. Are you like the ones who wanted to hurt us? I just need to say, how it all feels to me. Sometimes even I cant keep all of us inside straight. We grew to believe everything that goes wrong is all our fault. And we heard that told to us over and over too. And sometimes we got left alone, or given away for a little while to someone else who did the same thing. Or else people ran away from us when we got bigger, like our old therapist Attracta did. I guess because they did that I am not supposed to miss them. Should I just say that people dont understand us so that we dont get lonely and worried that it will happen again and again? We are left all alone to deal with things by ourselves again. And wonder what somebody is going to do next. We dont forgetand, we do things to make people not like us So we dont get hurt. So some wont imagine even for a minute that we like you, that we need you, that we might ever want to grow to trust you. But I cant stop us all from wanting, even though we get good at playing games about it, someone to care. Were not saying we need to be someones cherished treasure or anything. Maybe just someone we can trust a little. Somebody we can trust not to leave if we do something stupid or tell them the secret stuff were not supposed to talk about ever. Someone who doesnt make us go to the next person and the next and the next because they are done with us because we are tired of being alone. Do you want to really stay with us to the end without sending us somewhere else? What will you say when I say I dont care, even when I really do whether your there or not. What will you do if insiders refuse to come out or talk or work on anything. I pay attention because it matters to me. And so when people did things to hurt us when we were little, or ignored us altogether or gave us to someone else for a while, or stood there screaming at us, or accusing us of doing things we did not do we noticed. And when that happened over and over again something happened to us. A little big of what spirit we had is gone. For some reason then we started hurting ourselves. Im not sure what that has to do with a dying spirit. But were joining in with people who hurt us. And somewhere inside of us, we think and hope that the physical pain will eventually lessen the emotional pain. So we cut and we burn and we bruise ourselves. We pull hair and we make it hurt as bad as we can, then people stay away when we really want them to come closer, and just not leave. Are you someone who is going to leave too? Because we are told we never attach to people and then we are told that we attach too much too quickly and its all very confusing. And I just want to know so I can be prepared for it. Does it matter any more? We dont like feeling small and weak and defenceless so all we have is this wall to stand behind.

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Who will you be?

Stop holding on to what hurts and start making room for what feels good. You are not what happened to you in the past. You are now, you are
this moment. What will you do with it? Who will you choose to become?

Robert Tew

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