thoughts whirling around in my head
as I sit
drinking my steaming hot cup of coffee
thinking too much
afraid of my mind
what it holds
frightened of where the thoughts are going
breathe in deep
slow things down
as my therapist would say
be in the moment
but oh boy
I am too scared
so back into the past I slip
as my head dips
tears fall
I call out
someone, anyone please take these feelings away
for today though
they stay
so I slap on a smile
pat my dog
stand up tall
be brave and off I go
to visit a friend
hoping against hope
that today I can make it

#whatif prompt 8-3-2018

Today’s prompt over at what if we all cared is:


enough pain
enough shame
to last a life time
wonder when
it will no longer be
part of me
or part
of my day

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The depression lingers

im still feeling very depressed. i am just finding today rough. not sure whats going on with me if I am honest. its hard though and it feels awful. its actually horrendous.
i dont feel like i can be around people. i tried watching tv with my dad. i couldnt do it. i just had to escape to the bedroom. i had to be alone, well i had nitro, i wouldnt be without him. he snuggled close to me. actually when my dad took him out to the living room he didnt want to stay there, he wanted to come back in to the bedroom to me. what a loyal pup he is.
i suppose part of this could be our therapists upcoming vacation. we’ve been thinking a lot about it. so yes partly the sadness and aloneness and depressed feelings could be down to that. im sure we’ll end up talking a lot about it tomorrow with her.
for tonight though i think i just have to keep a low profile. stay in my bedroom, and do things that dont require a lot of brain power. just try to be kind to myself i suppose.

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Attachment pain is ugly

I feel like shit. I cant stop crying.
the pull towards suicide is so strong. I wont do anything, but god do I want to. I really fucking want to tonight.
I don’t know where this suicidal stuff and feelings came from. I was ok earlier. more than ok.
right now I long to be wrapped in my therapists arms.
embraced in her warmth and love. embraced in a safe hug with her.
its late…almost midnight. I should go to bed. I should switch off for the night.
but I cant. I am feeling so overwhelmed. im in a state of sadness, insecurity, fearful, overwhelm.
This is the pain of attachment, its raw, its ugly, its horrendous.
I think I need to go read. Do something other than overthink. Other than wish. Other than cry.
Good night world

tears are falling

the tears have finally come. I’m a sobbing mess of snot and tears.
I need a hug, and probably a good talking to as well.
I’m full of stress and worry and anxiety.
Crying is actually hurting, not only am I emotional, but it hurts the ache in my chest and body it damn well hurts.

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In her eyes…

the pain overflows
in her mind
in her heart
in her eyes
so much pain
drives her insane
she’s afraid to open up
to anyone
afraid to speak of it
afraid to put words on it
so instead
she shoves it down
and far far away
shoves it into a corner
and applys her mask
faces the world
and smiles sweetly
yes, this is me
faking it
I can make it