Today is a ritual holiday. So its a bad day for us.
I’m sitting here, feeling terrible. I don’t know what to do with myself. I am trying not to think about what today is.
Its the fall equinox. I hate it. Everything about this date triggers fear and sadness, pain and upset in me.
I hope I can get through it. I hope we’ll be ok.
At least we aren’t home, so nobody can get to us. We’re at our parents house. We’re safe at least.
Safe physically, but mentally? Mentally we’re a mess.
So many emotions and feelings. So much chaos inside. So much overwhelm.
Pray, if you pray guys. Pray we’ll get through it.
ITS ME, LIZ. I FEEL LIKE SHIT. I FEEL SO OVERWHELMED. NOT SURE WHY OR WHAT IS GOING ON FOR ME BUT I JUST FEEL LIKE CRAP. I WANT TO QUIT LIFE. IT JUST CAME ON ME ALL OF A SUDDEN THESE THOUGHTS. I THINK I’M JUST FEELING A LOT OF INTERNAL PRESSURE RIGHT NOW. PRESSURE TO MANAGE THINGS AND DO IT SUCCESSFULLY. IM SURE I’LL BE FINE. IM SURE I WILL GO TO THERAPY LATER THIS MORNING AND ALL WILL BE WELL, I’LL TALK TO EILEEN AND PROBABLY FEEL BETTER. BUT FOR RIGHT NOW, THINGS FEEL SHITTY.
still not asleep. feeling edgy. irritable. a little overwhelmed, think the overwhelm and irritability is liz’s though, not my own feelings.
Have the radio on for company. Turned off the tv cause there wasnt anything good on it. Tried to read but couldnt concentrate.
This really sucks. Sucks doesnt even begin to cover it.
I feel a little bit emotional tonight. Not sure what is up. I just feel sad. Maybe its after effects from willows processing in yesterdays therapy session. Who knows. All I know is I am feeling bad. And I am not sure why and I am not sure how to fix it. Maybe I need to do something to distract. Watching tv might help. I will go make a coffee and go sit with mom and dad for a while. I don’t like this feeling.
I feel like shit. I cant stop crying.
the pull towards suicide is so strong. I wont do anything, but god do I want to. I really fucking want to tonight.
I don’t know where this suicidal stuff and feelings came from. I was ok earlier. more than ok.
right now I long to be wrapped in my therapists arms.
embraced in her warmth and love. embraced in a safe hug with her.
its late…almost midnight. I should go to bed. I should switch off for the night.
but I cant. I am feeling so overwhelmed. im in a state of sadness, insecurity, fearful, overwhelm.
This is the pain of attachment, its raw, its ugly, its horrendous.
I think I need to go read. Do something other than overthink. Other than wish. Other than cry.
Good night world
ALL I CAN SAY RIGHT NOW IS, LIFE IS CRAP.
MORE TO THE POINT, MY LIFE IS CRAP.
EVEN MORE TO THE POINT, LIVING IN MY HEAD IS A FUCKING SHITSTORM RIGHT NOW.
YES, I AM IRRITATED, ANGRY, AGITATED, AND OVERWHELMED, CAN YOU TELL?
I WANT AN END TO THE PAIN, I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANY MORE, I WANT OUT, I WANT OUT NOW. I CANT TAKE IT ANY MORE. I CANT I CANT. IM DROWNING. IM SINKING FAST. LIFE FEELS JUST SO UNBEARABLE.
SIRENA AGE 16