Dr. Barry and our good news appointment!

So I just got done seeing dr. barry! We had a fantastic appointment! But thats the norm for us!
I had so much to tell her!
I told her about my smear test coming back clear, and she was really pleased for me. She encouraged me not to stress about the upcoming appointment to the clinic so for now I am not going to worry too much about it! It wont be for a few weeks yet, so I have time to prepare!
We talked about meds, and she asked me about the clonadine, how was it going for me taking it. I told her its working out really well. I am happy with how its working out. My anxiety has lessened since I’ve been taking it. And I am mostly sleeping a little better, I am now sleeping for around 4 to 5 hours when I do sleep, and I am having less nightmares too. She was really happy to hear how well the med is working out. She gave me another script for 2 more weeks supply of the med. We’ll review it when I next see her. We didnt increase it today, she is going to see how I do on it for another 2 weeks before we think about upping the dose.
I told her we didnt see eileen this week because of her being ill. We talked about the stress I felt at eileen being ill. I was also telling her about the kids, how much they worried about eileen and how their worry filtered through to me but that I was also worried and now that eileens ok again I am less stressed and just so relieved.
Then I told her my big news! About my trip to the USA next year! She couldnt believe I was going and she was really excited for me! It was so cute! She was like, Carol anne, I dont think you’ve been to the states since I’ve been your doctor have you? I had to think but no, I havent! The last time I went to america was in the summer of 2013, and I didnt start seeing dr. barry until november of that year.
She then told me that the nurse that was giving me my shot had left, and a new nurse was now administering the shots. She said if I wanted to she’d introduce her to me. So I said I’d like that. She left the room to see if the nurse, whose name is Kay, was still there, she was, and she came in to meet me. She knew me, but I didnt remember her. But she said she had worked in the hospital some years ago on nights, and she’d met me while I was an in patient. I had no memory of ever meeting her! But she seems nice. I’m glad we’ve met, it makes getting my shot from her easier to deal with and I wont be stressing over a new person giving it to me!
Somehow then dr. barry and I got on to talking about psychiatrists, and my former psychiatrist. That was interesting. We had a long conversation about my teen years in the mental health system, and she told me that my then psychiatrist dr. Mccarthy who was my first ever psychiatrist when I was in my teens, has now retired. I always liked dr. Mccarthy, she was a nice doctor and she was easy to get along with.
So yeah, a heavy apt, loaded with much chat, and lots to talk through. It was good though and we made another one for 2 weeks time. When dr. barry walked me to the front entrance to get my taxi, I told her as we were walking to the entrance about nitro retiring, as I forgot to tell her while we were in our appointment. So then we had a further conversation about that.
We’re coming up on our six year anniversary, it is in a few weeks, she’ll have been my doctor for six years this coming november, wow, how that time has flown, I’ve grown a lot since we started our work together, I am so glad she’s my psychiatrist, I couldnt ask for a better doctor.

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Finally, she called!

I just had a phone call from my CPN Alison. She’s not my usual CPN, but my usual one Sarah is away on holidays so Alison is covering for her.

 

I don’t know Alison all that well. So it was hard to engage with her. But I tried. I get brownie points for trying, right? Lol.

 

Anyway. We mainly talked about my mood, sleep, and about Eileen being away, and she asked me if I was still E THAT OPTION> It is handy to be able to contact a nurse if things were to get really bad or if I felt very low.

 

Alison was actually meant to call me last week, but she didn’t, and I’d all but given up hope that she was going to call me. But she did, it was a nice surprise this morning.  I will have to text eileen now to tell her that she actually has called me after all.

 

I am glad I have the support of a CPN. I feel lucky to have that support, because I know some people don’t.  I am grateful for the call and check in today.

I heard from sarah, my CPN

So finally I heard from sarah. She called this afternoon. We talked and that was good. It felt good to be able to talk to someone finally. Sarah helped me see that I am doing my best, I am trying hard, and she said it was good that I went to my parents for the weekend. We talked about my symptoms, and she said she was going to leave a note for dr. barry, and that she’d probably read it before she sees me next week. She told me she’s going on holidays tomorrow, but that the other CPN Alison will be covering for her, I know Alison, not as well as I know sarah, but I do know her. She asked me if I wanted alison to call me the week after next, to check in, and I said I did. So next week I’ll see dr. barry and the following week I’ll have a call from Alison, then hopefully by then eileen will be back. If she’s not, sarah will continue to support me until she comes back. And I’m happy about that. I like her. She’s easy to talk to. I think you need that when your really struggling, someone who validates and listens without judging. I had told eileen that sarah hadnt contacted me, so then when she did, I texted her back again and told her I heard from her. I still havent heard from Eileen, but I know she’s probably up the walls busy with her family member being ill. She’ll contact me when she has a chance to do it. I’m not worrying that I havent heard anything. I know she cares, and is just busy and once things have calmed for her she’ll be in touch with me.

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dr. barry apt and got my shot

well our apt with dr. barry went great. we were almost late to it though. we had a taxi booked to take us, he was meant to arrive at our house at 8:30. he never showed up. i rang the base and the lady said traffic was mental due to the storms. i told her i had to be there by 8:45. she quickly got a driver to come get me. i was about 5 minutes late meeting sarah. but sarah knew i’d be late. she had an idea i would be due to the bad weather. she had gotten there on time and went indoors. she rang me just as i was arriving. i told her i was just arriving and so she came downstairs to meet me. we first went to get my shot. first of all the building where dr. barry is is huge. when you walk in the main door you take a right turn. go all the way to the end of that corridor and then that is where the mental health services are based. the place where i go for my shot is right by where dr. barry is. that part was good. i got my shot. they weighed me and i’m now 90.5 kg. they gave me my shot. then sarah brought me to the waiting room. the room is open plan. the chairs are so hard. wooden chairs. very hard on your back. i told sarah i didnt think i’d manage the building very well from what i’ve seen of it. i sat and waited for a while before i saw dr. barry. a junior doctor called me to come in but i told him i dont see junior doctors and i would wait for dr. barry. afterwords dr. barry told me he made a mistake, they all only moved in to the building on monday, and things arent set up properly yet so he took my file by accident. finally dr. barry came and got me. she brought me back to her office. she said she’s going to try to book the same office each week for consistency. she asked me if i thought the building was brighter, did I notice the brightness, I did. she said it was very clinical, like a hospital, not very cosy or comfortable. i noticed that too. in the old building it was cosy, and there was only all mental health staff and clients. this new place there are way more people milling around. its just not as homely. we chatted about the move. she knew i was anxious about it. she asked me when the anxiety started about it. i told her after sarah phoned me yesterday to tell me that they’d moved. she then said she’d ask sarah to meet me each time i am coming in, for a few weeks at least. she said she thought I’d eventually be able to navigate the building by myself. I’m glad she has faith in me because I dont. lol. We talked about my sleep. i told her I am only getting 2 or so hours of sleep a night on most nights. i told her the haldol isnt doing anything for me. where as before it would knock me out completely. she asked me if i would like to try fenergan. its a sedating antihistamine. i cant think of the other name for it. i’ve taken it before though. when i took it before it did knock me out. i only took it while i was hospitalised. she gave me a weeks supply and said take it for 3 night in a row. see how i do with that. see if that resets things for me and enables me to get a better sleep. i havent collected the med yet but i will later this week. we talked a lot about therapy. i told her about the new things eileen is trying with us regarding touch and sensory stuff and about eileens training and about our last two sessions. she said it sounds as if we are doing a lot of very intense work. i agreed. we talked through a couple of other things. but mostly it all centred on the move, and on therapy. at the end she made another apt for me for 2 weeks time. and then she very kindly walked me to the entrance where i waited for a taxi. i think i’ll be ok. i think in time we’ll get used to the new layout and the new building. i’m hopeful that we will.

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On the move!

Well its finally happening! Dr. barry is moving to a new building! I am seeing her tomorrow in the new building! I am so anxious!
My CPN sarah rang me this morning. She said dr. barry was speaking to her and asked her to meet me tomorrow morning as she knows this is a huge deal for me. For one thing I know absolutely nothing about the new building, other than its huge, and there are a lot of other doctors and services in there!
So I am meeting Sarah at 8:45 tomorrow morning. She is going to show me where to go. I also have to get my injection so I will need to be shown where to go for that too!
I hope this new building wont be too hard to get around! I dont know how many times I’ll go before I will know where to go or what I am doing! I have a feeling I will need to do some route familiarisation with nitro! So hopefully sarah will help me out with that!
Dr. barry has been brilliant. She knows change is hard for me. She knows I am an anxious mess. I did not want this to happen! I dont think she did either! Its just that a new medical complex was built and all medical services have to move in there and out of their old buildings as the old buildings are being knocked down!
But OMG this is so strange! So weird and just ug not liking it one bit!
Im glad to have sarah’s help in this though. Makes things a bit easier. She’s lucky I even answered my phone as her number is a private number and I rarely answer private numbers!
Anyway. Will report more on how the move went tomorrow!

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Sarah!

my cpn sarah just called. i’d been having phone sessions with her for the month of october. for some extra support.
she had caught me on my way out from seeing dr. barry last week, and she had told me she’d ring me the next day, but then she forgot. I knew she probably forgot to do it. I had no number to contact her.
But all is good she just called me all apologetic and we had a final session. If I need her again I can link back in with her I just need to be refered which dr. barry can do for me. Her support is good. I like her. She’s friendly and approachable and very kind.
She told me I should be proud o f myself for getting through october, and staying out of hospital. I guess that was a pretty big thing. I am proud that I did that.
Its good that I have her support going forward if I need it. I have a great team of mental health professionals around me. thank goodness for that!

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Old poetry

gripped by fear
she falls apart
tries to self soothe
nothing works
the flashbacks overcome her
vomiting for a whole hour
till her stomach is empty of everything
screaming silently
as a nurse holds her shaking body
is this how it is going to be forever?