cry

i waked up frum a bad dream. i cry.
tears tears and i sad. i no like them dreams.
i go find nitro. cuddle him. rub his fur and try to feel beter.
taylor i six

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morning thoughts

i’m irritable this morning. i didnt get very much sleep. i finally dropped off at like 5:00 AM.
was up again at 7. dont know how i managed to pull myself out of bed. my alarm went off and i rolled over and snoozed for another half hour.
now, after 2 cups of tea i finally feel awake and half human.
we had a very bad night and we’re still feeling a hang over effect from it.
i have class in about 15 minutes. we’re cooking later this morning. i think we are making spanish omlette, brown soda bread and salad.

HARD NIGHT

I AM SO AFRAID. AFRAID TO SLEEP. AFRAID OF HAVING NIGHTMARES. TONIGHT IS A BAD NIGHT. SOME OF YOU MIGHT KNOW WE ARE SRA SURVIVORS, RITUAL ABUSE SURVIVORS. WELL THERE IS AN ECLIPSE, AND A BAD DATE TODAY TOO FOR RITUAL ABUSE SURVIVORS. LOTS OF CHAOS INSIDE. LOTS OF SCREAMING AND CRYING. LOTS OF FEAR. LOTS OF OVERWHELM. EMOTIONAL OVERLOAD. ITS JUST SO HARD. I WANT TO CUT SO BAD RIGHT NOW. I JUST FEEL LIKE GOING IN THE BATHROOM AND BREAKING THE MIRROR AND CUTTING.
LIZ

Rejection

it’s knowing how hard life can be

and knowing before the age of three

its being rejected before you can speak

and living by it week by week

no hugs, no tickles, no high fives

nothing to show you exist, your alive

you cant be stirred from your bed

you are trying to get the nighttmare out of your head

I SHOULD BE SLEEPING…

ITS SO CRAZY. MY THOUGHTS THEY ARE RACING. I AM WIDE AWAKE. I JUST CANNOT SLEEP.
ITS WEIRD THE THOUGHTS THAT KEEP YOU UP AT NIGHT? DO YOU EVER START THINKING ALL SORTA WEIRD THINGS WHILE YOUR LAYING THERE TRYING TO NOD OFF? I SURE DO. I RUN THROUGH MY DAY, THEN I RUN THROUGH CONVERSATIONS I’VE HAD. I RUN THROUGH THE SHOULD HAVES AND COULD HAVES. I RUN THROUGH EVERYTHING AND STILL I LIE HERE WIDE AWAKE.
I DONT KNOW. I WISH I COULD JUST SLEEP.
LIZ

Anxious

my anxiety is through the roof right now. i feel very emotional too. i woke up feeling that way.
i had some nightmares which were awful. i dreamt my dad left and i also dreamt my sister died.
it was horrible. when i woke up from the nightmares i couldnt move. all i could do was cry.
i eventually got up and let nitro out. its snowing outside. nitro doesnt really like the snow. i made coffee and now i’m feeling a little calmer but i still feel so anxious.
just another day in our crazy life i guess.
carol anne