To our host, Shirley

You think we’re evil

We’re what you made us to be

Forgotten containers

Of your childhood debris

Scattered memories

That rise from the ground

And wait for the day

You’ll finally turn around

If you looked in our eyes

You’d see through to our souls

The pain has eroded

And taken it’s toll

We’ve waited long,

and been stored away deep

You trigger by the word

But we are the black sheep

We did not come upon you

The devil within

But split from the seams

Your very closest of kin

You don’t have a right

To pass us off and turn away

Without each and every one of us

You wouldn’t be here today

We are the holders

Of what you could not behold

The flames, the chants,

What is bled eventually ran cold

What you call evil,

What you casually label as dark

What we are is the only thing

That could keep fueling your spark

You managed, you struggled, you fought

Where did you get the energy within

That energy is us

The thrown away… inside your own skin

Liz

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I’M JUST SAD

I FEEL SAD DONT KNOW WHATS UP WITH ME TONIGHT I JUST FEEL BAD TONIGHT FEEL INSECURE AND DEPRESSED SAD AND ALONE NUMB AND EMOTIONAL ALL AT ONCE IT SUCKS I HATE IT I WISH I COULD TURN OFF MY FEELINGS I WOULD REALLY LOVE IT IF I COULD DO THAT BUT I CANT I JUST HAVE TO GRIN AND BEAR IT I GUESS I WISH WE COULD TALK TO JESS THATS CAROL ANNES PARTNER I WANT TO KNOW HOW SHE IS SHE IS STILL IN RESIDENTIAL IN A FACILITY BUT SHE HAS HER PHONE TURNED OFF AND WE TRIED RINGING THE PATIENT PHONE BUT NOBODYS ANSWERING IT SO WE HAVENT TALKED TO HER IN A FEW MONTHS AND WE MISS HER IN FACT I MISS HER WHOLE SYSTEM SHES MULTIPLE TOO ANYWAY OH WELL WHAT DO YOU DO NOTHING I GUESS BETTER GO TAKE MY MEDS NOW
LIZ

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Internal struggles

hi it is emily. im 12. im very scared. there is so much internal fighting going on. its hard for me. i know everything about our system. i dont like when the darks fight. it makes me so nervous. eileen says i need to let go and be 12. but how can i? i have to be responsible and make sure things are running smoothly. she said no i dont. that i need to let the adults do it, take care of things. she said its important for me to just be a kid. liz says she’ll take care of things. she said i have to trust her. so im trying hard to trust that she knows what she’s doing.
love
em

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Jade. Conversation with our therapist

this past week in therapy I had a conversation with eileen. It was my first time to come out in therapy. My first time to talk directly with eileen. I had already been known to her, she always asks for my input and help, but we’d never actually spoken to one another directly. It was nice to finally get to talk to her.

We talked indepth about the system, I shared a lot of info with her about the system. She said she was really grateful to me for helping her to understand more why things are happening for us in the way that they are.

She’s such a caring person. So gentle. So understanding. She really gets it and when she doesnt she asks appropriate questions until she does.

I love her for that. If I’m half as good of an internal therapist as she is an external one then I will be happy. I like to get tips from her and I hope I can use them wisely.

Jade, age 36

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Broken

Sometimes I feel so

 

Broken

 

i’m shattered. broken into a million little shards. a million little pieces.

that’s what it feels like to be a multiple. your like a puzzle, that doesn’t fit together. the pieces are jagged, and they don’t fit together right.

then there’s my mind, that’s broken too. a million thoughts, flying around in there. flying and spinning so fast.

it makes me dizzy.  I hope to some day be whole, fixed, or as fixed as I can be.  I can wish, right?

 

lexi

me jus sayin hi tu everbody
wat yu doin taday
we ar at volteering
i not relly posed to be ote here
so i hav ta go insid afer riting this email
i can com back ote later agin
the bigs ar drinkin coffee
its ick
i tasted it
yucky haha
bigs ar werd thay drink werd drinks
lexi im six

Embarrassed

I did something awful. I’m so ashamed of what just happened.
I was sleeping soundly. I went to bed at 11 pm and I went into a deep sleep.
well, I just woke up, soaked. I had peed in my sleep. I never ever do that!
I am so ashamed. So embarrassed.
I had to take off my wet pajamas and hang it up. I hope the staff wont say anything. The sheets are wet now.
This has hpappened before when little insiders were out. We have had accidents and have not been able to hold it. All I can think is a very young insider was out when this happened.
Its not a pleasant experience.
Just feeling bad right now.
carol anne