Todays been just hell. Thats all I can describe it as. First of all I got hardly any sleep last night. Its becoming a pattern. Nightmares, flashbacks, ptsd symptoms, you name it, I’m suffering from it by night. Last night was no different. I went out to the nurses station a couple of times, one time no nurses were there. I stood there for about 10 minutes but nobody came so I went back to bed. Another time I asked for a glass of water and I got that. The last time I went out it was 5:30 AM. I asked for my PRN of lyrica, but the nurse said I couldnt have any because I was so near my morning dose and she said if she gave it to me then I’d fall asleep and wouldnt wake for breakfast. I understood where she was coming from. I went back to bed and just read for a while and listened to music. Eventually about 7 AM I fell asleep and was able to sleep until the nurses woke us up at 8 AM for breakfast. After we’d eaten I came back to my bed space. I was feeling tired but ok. Then that patient, the one who hit me kicked off again. This time she said I was just pretending to be blind, but that I was only fooling everyone and I was expecting people to lead me around when I could see as well as everybody else. She came over to my bed space and peered into my face. She kept shouting “Open your eyes, open your eyes”. A nurse saw her and told her to stop at once. By then I was crying and things continued to get worse from there. She kept saying to me “why do you hate me?” and when she wasnt saying that she was saying “I hate you”. Anyway I decided to go for a shower. I got one of the student nurses to help me and that was nice, the shower makes me feel destressed and refreshed. After my shower i went to a group, it was handling difficult emotions. It was a good group. We did this exercise called the feelings jar, where you took out an emotion and acted it out. Mine was thrilled, and everyone said I did a very good acting out of that emotion. After the group the community meeting was on. That happens once a week. Basically its a place where all the patients can have a say about the running of the ward, or grievances they might have with other patients or staff. It was a good meeting and we discussed a lot. I told them about the incident with the patient, even though they really already knew about her because I’d told Dr. Barry and the nurses yesterday and this morning also. After the meeting we had dinner. I still am not eating very much although I did manage to eat my breakfast today, I had cerial and two slices of toast. Dinner though was another matter. I felt like shit. I didnt want to eat. Eventually I ate a yogurt and some creamed rice. I also had some tea. That was all I could manage though. The afternoon was a nightmare. I started reading but quickly my emotions got overwhelming so I abandoned the book. Then I just lay on my bed crying. Eventually Laura, who is my key nurse for today came in and chatted for a couple of minutes. I know her a little but I dont trust her as much as dr. Barry or Karen. Karen was around and I was really hoping she’d come in to me. And guess what? She did! She must have known I needed her at that very moment. When I told Dr. Barry about it later she said possibly Karen had looked in from outside, seen I wasnt ok and then had come in. Anyway when she said hi my love, how are you? I just burst into tears. i sobbed and sobbed and kept saying I wanted a mom who would be there emotionally who’d tell me its gonna be ok I’m gonna be ok and I needed a hug. Karen was great. She chatted to be about the mom stuff and then we talked about other things and she said again how I dont give myself enough credit for managing as well as I do, that she is annoyed because she wants me to see just how well I’ve been managing. When I couldnt stop crying she kept saying “you need to be here” but “you will get well again” and “its ok, I promise its ok and your going to be ok again really soon”. I can honestly say it was an amazing interaction with her and I felt so connected. I never ever cried in front of her before. She talked to me for about 30 minutes before she said she had to go home. She said she was dropping some stuff to Dr. Barry and that she’d tell her I wasnt doing well and she’d talked to me. And true to her word she did. After she left I was still crying and Laura talked to me again for a few minutes. I went to eat supper then. When I got back from eating Dr. Barry saw me. She said she was catching up on admin stuff but wanted to pop in to make sure I was ok. I thought oh bless her, what a star, she didnt have to do that as technically on Fridays she doesnt see anyone. She sat on my bed talking to me about everything. We talked about the mom stuff and she said as a parent herself, and as someone who has parents, that sometimes our parents will never be how we want them to be, and even though we hope they’ll change, they dont. She wondered if we had magical thinking, if by hoping our mom would be emotionally there for us, it would remove some of the past trauma. I said we probably did have a little bit of that magical thinking. We talked about sleep and the ptsd stuff and the flashbacks. I gave her a couple pieces of writing that I’d done and she went straight to her office and printed them off and then came back and gave me back my memory stick. She’s written a letter to the school so that I can temporarily exit the course and it will be reviewed again in a couple of weeks. She told me that she’d emailed the letter on to Mark. I feel much better now that I’ve talked to her. I feel more grounded and hopeful that maybe I’ll have an ok weekend. My mom might be visiting tomorrow and on Sunday my PA said she’d visit. It will be nice to see some familiar faces and having visitors always makes me feel good. Heres to a better weekend where I wont feel so much sadness, overwhelm etc.