I am home!

I am home in my own house now. I went home an hour or so ago. Mom is here with me for a few hours. She’s doing a few things for me around my house.

The taxi driver we got wasnt a bit impressed with Nitro. Well, thats his problem, not mine. By law he has to take a guide dog. Nitro is shedding, and when he got out of the taxi he left tons of hairs on the mat. What can I do? There really is nothing I can do about it.

Now that I am home, mom is putting away my groceries for me, and then she has to take apart my old TV equipment, while she’s doing that I have to arrange for a delivery crowd to pick up the equipment on tuesday.

I put my heat on right away when I got in. The house is freezing, since there was no heat on all weekend.

Feels so good to be home! Me and Nitro are going to just relax this evening. I may face time with my friend Sarah in colorado if she’s up for that.

Guest post From Alex, personal narrative, triggers talks of childhood abuse and neglect!

Alex, evolution of self, has very kindly offered to guest post on my blog! He has written a personal narrative about his childhood experiences growing up with abusive parents! Here is his story!

Alex you’ve been very courageous in telling it!

I am so glad you survived and are a fighter!


I would like to start by introducing myself

Hi I am Alex

Many have grown up with mesmerizing moments from their childhood had two loving parents”

I was not one of those: starting from the aged of 9 until I was 16, I was subjected to horrific physical brutality from my biological mother whom we will refer to “it”

its level of hatred was cast onto me because of how much I reminded it of my Father. When my Father was home I never had a need to fear or think I was walking on shattered glass.

I also understood what he was doing was rid of the world of Nemesis so when he would leave on an assignment I been asked why I didn’t tell my Father? and I was told by “it” if I did she would inform his C.O that he was doing things to me” and in the Armed Forces that is a Death sentence. I would be left in clutches of Mommy dearest and its twisted sadistic desires and pleasures. Many times it would be an unbearable and fucking nightmare a lot where I endured was in what I called the “Basement of Secrets” I would be forcefully confined to a chair and whipped for hours with black licorice. There were times I wouldn’t be allowed to go to school because I would be healing from the beatings and welts. At a very young age, I learned and embrace the darkness as my numbing solace and was welcomed with open arms.

I had a mate of mine who’s alcoholic Father was abusing him physically I gave him pat on the back and he yelled ouch. had a massive bruise on his lower back…so I thought if they believe him why not me?

So I reached out with desperation to be resurrected from that living hell and was laughed and mocked at because what I was telling them was so surreal.

Many mornings I would wake up having knives throwing at my feet or cans frozen juice whipped at me to see my reflexes.

That night I strongly believe and cringed in paralyzing fear that I would not see the Sunrise again. After being crushed and losing all hope that others would help me. I knew if I was going to survive this fucking living Hell it would be because of (ME)

Ironic thing and fucked up one is the person who was sexually abusing me saw me more as a human being …I guess I choose the lesser of two evils.

So THEM that tried to break me, ripped me into never was ‘thought they could extinguish my Life

Though fucking wrong yes you laid waste and wreak havoc all over my body and mind with scars even though I still breathe I have been shattered into pieces.

I was always taught by my Father that no matter what keep going but last December before Christmas I was not myself I would put on a smile and act like I was fine but far far from it.

Never in million yrs did I think what was going on with me would this. I also didn’t know there was a more voracious and vicious bastard to PTSD but I do know now” I live with it every day as a constant reminder by Roller Coaster I ride.

Thank you for listening to My Story if you know anyone that is struggling never let them think they are lashing out in silent terror.

When I switch, how my family handle it?

Becky of beckys mental mess has asked me a question which I thought I would answer in a new post here on my blog, rather than in a comment.

She asked me how my family handle me switching…and if they recognise it.

In a nutshell, they arent really great with it. They know of my did, they see it play out every day, but they dont really accept it. I think my mom sorta does, she sometimes does nice things for the kids, but she never acknowledges the kids by name.

But occasionally, she does things that the kids really enjoy, and she’ll often say I’m very child like, or acting childish, but little does she know its actually a young insider whose out at the time.

When parts come out, they dont identify themselves to our family, because they have learned there really is no point. Some years back, dr. barry had a long talk to my mom, where she tried to explain did to her.

That went well, my mom seemed to get it well to the best of her ability she did.

Dr. Barry explained did as being like a puzzle, with many pieces, that fit in all different places, she also explained switching to her and how did happens.

Of course my mom doesnt like to talk about my abuse, so thats probably one reason why she really cant accept that I have parts.

My dad is another story entirely. I never talk to him about my mental health, as he’s anti meds, anti doctors, anti therapy you get the picture.

My alters dont get along with him either, especially liz, liz and him have a similar type personality and they clash.

Am I happy with how things are right now? Yes. I pretty much am. All I ever wanted was for my mom to acknowledge that I have did, and she does that, I know it would be nice if she acknowledged the alters and had a relationship with them, but really, I dont think she’s capable of that, because for her to do that would mean she’d really have to look at what happened to me in dublin, and I dont think its in her to be able to really do that.

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Me and my sister pranked our mom! We used an app, to do it.

The app rings the person. So mom got a phone call from an american lady pretending to be the pharmacy calling her. She told her that she had her prescription ready, but mom was smart. She didnt fall for it.

She asked the girl what name she had, and the girl just said oh I just was told to call this number, I have 3 months supply of genital wart cream for you to pick up.

Mom was like, no, you have the wrong number, and then she hung up on her.

After a few minutes my sister rang our mom and then we told her what we’d done. She took it well. She saw the funny side of it.

I never knew there were apps to do things like prank call people! Man there’s an app for everything nowadays isnt there?

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3 things challenge, yay for awesome moms!

My mom is fantastic! Not only is she the best mom ever, but, she’s also a great cook! Today she helped me cook my slimming world chili! And when it was made, she portioned it out for me, and now, I have 3 dinners for during the week!
Yay! I wont be hungry and I’ll be eating chili for a while!
Good thing I love it! And it tastes fantastic too!
Yay for awesome moms! Oh and she also went to the grocery store for me and picked up my fruit for the week, and got my money out of the ATM!
I love her!


3 things challenge 1st October 2019

I wish I was a good actor, ian said wistfully. His mother stood at the sink, reading the label on the face mask she just bought. She wasnt really listening to Ian lamenting about his desire to be an actor, she was too busy studying the product to hear what he was saying.
Mom, Ian said, are you even listening?
Yes, dear, of course!
No your not! You never listen to me!
No, his mom said, I just pay for your acting lessons!
With that, she turned around and started busying herself putting her face mask on!


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Health update…May be TMI for all the men out there

So I got no sleep last night. I’ve been worrying about a rash I found. I found a rash underneath my breasts, its red and angry looking. Its itchy now too, which is wasnt last night. I asked on my did email group and some friends told me it could be yeast growing, or it could be the washing detergent I am using or who knows, but I guess it could be a million and one things. All I know is that underneath my breasts is sore, tender to the touch, and red and angry looking. I put medicated powder on it before bed last night, its called caldesine powder. It dried it out, but this morning its still there. So I asked mom, and she gave me the name of an antifungal cream used to treat bacterial infection in the skin. I’m not sure thats what it is, but it cant hurt to try it out. I cant go get it today, but I’ll have my PA Frances pick it up for me tomorrow. In the meantime I’ll put that medicated powder that I have on it. Has anyone ever had anything like this? What did you do to fix it and what did it end up being? I’m pretty sure its from a build up of sweat. I do shower every day, and I always dry myself well afterwords. So I am really not sure why this is happening. I was beginning to get really anxious, I thought I may have bed bugs, or some sort of illness, but its just in one small area and not spreading, so I dont think its anything like that. Alls I can say is thank god for mom! Mom helped alleviate my fears!

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