Its very early. not even 5 AM. I woke up, I heard a dog outside, he kept barking, I couldnt get back to sleep. So I got up, ate, and am now just sitting here trying to do email and blog. I am kinda feeling off though. A little anxious. And just blah. But I am trying, I get points for trying right?
today I am feeling down. Thank god Eileen has offered me a phone check in later on this evening. I need it. I woke up feeling very off. I just felt like I couldnt do anything, go anywhere, I felt like I wouldnt accomplish anything today. And I really didnt. I canceled art therapy with Emily. I canceled going in to the basement club. I even canceled dinner tonight with friends. I just feel like I need to stay home. I need to do some sootheing activities. Some self care. I need to look after myself. Im not sure if its after effects from giving a statement to the police last night. It could be I guess. I felt like that went ok though. But I dont know, I just feel unstable today. I guess I just need some down time to recover. Thats ok too I guess. I’ve gone back home now to my own house, as I have my PA amanda tomorrow morning. So I need to be here for her. I am planning on going to the gym tomorrow morning. I havent been there in ages. I need to get back to it. Tomorrow seems as good a time as any to start going again.
I haven’t gone to the gym again today. I didn’t go yesterday either.
Mom asked me this morning if it would be ok if we didn’t go today. She said she had to catch up on some ironing and housework. So I said it would be ok for us not to go today.
To be totally honest I wasn’t really in a good space mentally today and so wasn’t in the mood for exercising.
I will however push myself. And I will be going tomorrow!
I need to go. I need to get the feel good endorphins from doing the exercise. So tomorrow it is then!
We never got to therapy this morning. I woke up in a very unsettled place. I got a few hours of sleep but not a lot of it. So I woke up feeling off. Feeling like shit. Feeling unstable and very full of anxiety.
So we didn’t go. I texted Eileen to tell her I wasn’t coming in. And she hasn’t texted me back. Now my irrational brain says she’s mad I didn’t come in. She’s mad at me for not showing up.
I know there’s probably another reason why she hasn’t texted me back, but I’m afraid to text again or email her to ask her what happened and why she hasn’t responded to me. Normally she would, so its not like she usually doesn’t.
I wish I hadn’t been so anxious. I really needed my session today. Especially since we don’t have one next week as Eileen is in the UK on training. Damn anxiety anyway. I bloody hate it.
If I don’t hear anything from her by tonight I’ll send an email. Maybe she just got busy and thought she was after responding to my message already.
Who knows. All I know right now is I am feeling very very on edge. Anxious and unsettled and not ok.
we have had a quiet afternoon. its been kinda slow.
i didnt get up to much. texted with a few friends and talked to my mom on the phone.
ate dinner, had a lovely spag bol today. it was delicious. had some garlic bread as a treat. i dont usually eat it too often now that I am dieting.
Am now watching tv. Mood wise things are kinda stable right now. I am working on keeping it that way if I can.
I am hopeful. It is going to be hard tonight. Nits are always the worst for us. We go downhill mood wise at night.
I dont have too many plans for the evening. Will probably read and just watch some tv.
Mom was kind enough to ask me if I’d like to come stay with her tomorrow as its halloween. Without knowing why I get so scared of it, she has offered me a safe place to go. I am so grateful. I will go to dr. barry in the morning and then go back to mom and dads house afterwords.
I have slimming world tomorrow night. Other than that tomorrow I hope will pass uneventfully.
I am feeling fab! I had a fantastic workout today! Mom took me to the gym thanks mom I love you! I will show my appreciation for her just by doing some nice things for her to say thank you! She does so much for me! I did the treadmill today for 30 minutes. I did 2 KM on there. At a speed of 3.4. I was tired out after it! I was going to do the bike too but then I didnt feel up to it so I left it for another day. We also walked down to the gym, its a short 12 minute walk but we did it which was more exercise! Now I feel fabulous! My mood is great. I am feeling so good! Exercise really does make you feel good!
So I am at my parents house since yesterday. I stayed there last night after the awards ceremony. I was very tired after the ceremony and came back to mom and dads and slept for the entire evening. I must have needed the rest. I felt exhausted and I hadnt slept too good the night before sooo…..
But this morning I feel great! I got up and mom needed to go to the post office and credit union so I asked her if she felt like having a little company and if she did that I’d walk there with her. I said I needed the exercise and could do with a walk.
So we set off and had a really enjoyable walk together. The sun was shining. It was a lovely fresh morning. Bright and just a lovely day to walk. I thoroughly enjoyed the walk.
I came back, ate some lunch and am now just chilling out. Mood wise I feel fantastic. I am happy and content. I think all the walking must have did me good.
I’ll be heading home later this afternoon to my own house. My pa amanda is coming in the morning, I need to go home as she’ll be coming out to my own house. Tomorrow morning I have a busy morning as I need to go to my gp to get bloods done, go to the gym, do some house work etc. So a busy day ahead for me tomorrow as well. I am also going volunteering tomorrow afternoon too. Oh well I like busy so am glad I have things to do.