Mentoring session

This morning I had a mentoring session. It was great to be able to go in there and just talk to my mentor. I basically went in and vented to her about work, about depression and about suicidal thoughts we were having.
She asked me if I ever heard of compassionate fatigue. She said she thinks I may be experiencing it. I was telling her how I didnt go in to work last friday, because I was feeling like I just couldnt face listening to peoples problems, when I was struggling myself with my own.
She told me to read up on it which I am definitely going to do. Yesterday I did go to work, but I felt very resentful, and then I felt bad for being resentful, but I just was like, I ant deal with you, when my clients were telling me they were having a bad day.
I probably should have just not gone in. I did listen to them, but all the way through my calls I was like, please just get off the phone now!
My mentor said I am only human, and it happens, and for me not to beat myself up about it, that its just one day, and I dont usually feel like that when it comes to my clients, which is totally true, I dont.
The rest of our session was taken up with CV prep. She’s going to prepare my CV for me, and make some copies for me, so that I will have some just in case jobs come up, I’ll have it and be able to submit an application if the right job comes up for me.
We’re going to meet again in two weeks. I am so glad I have her. She is so understanding, she really gets it. Probably because she’s had her own mental health issues in the past, and now she works with the mentally ill, so yeah, she’s a great mentor to have.


The rest of this week

the rest of my week looks very busy. i have appointments on two days. i also have to work two days. tomorrow i am working, and I will also work friday. on wednesday i see dr. barry. and on thursday i have a mentoring apt in the morning. I’ll also go to slimming world on Wednesday evening. i’m glad i’ll be busy. busy is good. i prefer to stay busy. it gives me some distraction. tomorrow morning my pa will come, and i need to go to the grocery store to buy my fruit for the week as I am almost out of fruit. I will also buy more water too. so its all go here the next couple of days. I hope I am ready for the challenge.


I had my Fifth mentoring session today

I had another mentoring apt this morning with my mentor Aisling. It went really well. I told her that I’d got referred to the job coaching service, and now I am on a waiting list and that they told me there would be a 16 week wait to be seen. I also told her that I’d rang them and asked that when my name comes up that they place me with a female job coach and not a male as the last time I had a male and it wasnt a good experience. The lady I spoke to when I rang said that wouldnt be a problem. She said she’d make a note in my file. We talked about my medical card, and my anxiety around possibly losing it if I went back to work. I had made some enquiries, and there is a possibility of me getting a longterm medical card that lasts for much longer than they’d normally give it to you for, but in order to get that or even be considered I’d have to submit letters from dr. barry about my mental health, stating that its longterm, enduring, and not likely to get any better. I’d also have to submit a letter from my resource worker at NCBI about my blindness, saying its congenital. I wont have any problems getting the letters. Its good that I have an open relationship with dr. barry as I can speak openly and frankly to her about my anxiety surrounding the work stuff. My mentor said today that she’d keep a look out for jobs for me, and if she sees any she thinks would suit me she’ll email them to me. I’m not actually really looking that much yet, but I plan on starting to maybe look and upload my CV to places within the next 3 or 4 weeks. At our next session we are going to do up some CV’S. We are going to taylor them to specific jobs. So I am going to do up one for IT jobs, one for jobs surround support work or helping others, one for childcare jobs, etc. Basically one for all of the different roles I could work in. That way if I need to quickly upload one it will be ready to go and I dont have to fiddle around trying to get the CV’S ready when I need them. For the next two or three sessions we’ll work on CV prep. My mentor said it would be good to do that, rather than wait until I start with the job coach. The job coach will also work on CV prep, but I dont want to wait that long. I want to try to start looking for jobs if I can sooner rather than later. I didnt really get a chance to discuss all of this with dr. barry yet, but I will the next time I see her. She knows I’ve been thinking about possibly going back to work. She just doesnt know how serious I am about it. I plan on having a good chat to her about it all in two weeks time. So that was the session. It was a very productive session.


I feel so broken!

I feel so broken. I feel lost. Just awful.
Am feeling so depressed. Depressed and overwhelmed.
I slept for all of an hour. I went to bed at 1 AM. Tossed and turned for a while but eventually slept but only for an hour.
I brought Nitro on the bed with me. But he didnt want to stay there with me. He jumped off.
I wish I didnt feel so bad. Its a really horrible place to be in.
I emailed Eileen. She wont get it until tomorrow, I hope she will read it then. Im not sure exactly what day she leaves to go to spain. I was thinking it might be saturday but I dont know. I forgot to ask her.
I have a mentoring apt this morning. I am also working today. I am really having to push myself. I really dont want to go out. I want to stay curled up in my bed at home staring at the four walls. I will go out, but it will be a real struggle for me.
Right now I feel so anxious, and so overwhelmed. And it sucks.


Mentoring apt. fourth session

My mentoring apt went well today.

We talked about me signing up for the job coach service. I decided I would sign up for it. So I rang them. Unfortunately, I have to be referred by the local employment service, so then I had to ring them, but the guy I needed to speak too was out of the office, so I’m now waiting for a call back from him. I am hopeful that he can just refer me over the phone, and that I wont have to make a trip in to see him.

My mentor gave me a couple of websites to look at. They are job websites. Like for example, one is irish jobs, one is indeed, one is health service jobs, one is public service jobs, and one is jobs in the non profit sector. I am going to look over them over the next week or two, see what I think. I may even apply for some jobs while I wait for the job coaching service to get back to me. Then if by some miracle it turned out I did end up getting something before my turn came to go to them, I could just cancel the referral.

We also rang the medical card office. I needed to find out how much I could earn before my medical card is compramised. It turns out I can earn 184 euro a week after tax, before there is any repercussions.

After that, its on a means tested basis. But the girl in the office said that when my medical card comes up for review in november, if I submit letters from dr. barry and from the national council for the blind with my application, that a discressionary medical card may be granted, for a few years, then that way if I did get a job in the mean time my medical card wouldnt be touched.

I also rang dr. barrys office to see if I actually need my medical card to continue seeing her, or can I actually see her without one, like, I’d have to pay for meds then, but could I continue to see her in the public health system without having a medical card, we are waiting to hear back from her office about that.

so all in all it was a productive appointment. In an hour we covered loads of things.

I was happy with how it went. I told my mom I was thinking of looking for work part time, she wasnt very positive about it, saying I should just stick to volunteering, but I knew she wouldnt be. She’s always afraid when I start new things, or take on new challenges, like she thinks I’m going to fail or something. She kept saying I have to be committed, which kinda irked me, as I am committed. I am very committed to this.


I have a mentoring apt this morning

I’m heading in to the basement club this morning for an appointment with my mentor aisling.
I was going to cancel it, because I was feeling lazy, but then I said to myself I need to just get up and go. So that is what I am planning on doing.
I will stay in there for a few hours, maybe 3 hours.
I think it will do me good to be out of the house. I eventually slept last night, after being very unsettled for hours. I slept for maybe 5 or 6 hours in total.
Having the apt with my mentor will give me something to focus on, so I will write about it later on today when I get home. So stay tuned!


3rd mentoring apt

mentoring today was really good. we had a very productive session. we mostly discussed work, and entitlements. basically, my dream would be to work part time, or even full time if my mental healthallowed it. I really just want to go back to work at some point. But the last time I had a job coach a few years ago, he basically told me it wouldnt pay me to work, actually, he was a bit of an ars, he really was useless. Even today when I told Aisling about him, she was able to say to me, is it so and so insert his name, she knew who he was without me even telling her, so he must have a reputation for this sorta thing. But anyway, he told me that I should not look for a job because it wouldnt pay me to work, but actually thats not true. Today Aisling and I looked up about my medical card, we didnt really find an answer to the question I had about losing it or whether I would, but we did find out that I can earn 120 euro before any of my payment is stopped. If I earned 120 euro, that would mean I would be able to work about 15 hours. Then we also found out that if you earn between 120 and 350, that 50 percent of your payment is then means tested, and taken into account, and as well as earning the 350 euro, I’d get 88.50 from my benefits, so that would mean I’d come out with over 400 euro a week, double what I am earning now. That all sounds good to me. Of course I’d be taxed on it. But I wouldnt be on a very high bracket of tax. Anyway its just a dream right now, I’m not going back to work just yet nor will I be any time soon. But I am seriously looking into it. I want to try a job coach again. I think I’m going to do that, see if I can work with someone again on looking for work, etc. That was mostly our apt today. Aisling is going to email a contact she has about the job coaching, and next time we are going to call the medical card office and ask about my medical card, and also we’ll ring the community welfare office and ask them do I need to change over my payment from blind pention to disability, would that be better? I said I’d make those calls while I am with her. Then if it turns out I need to fill out any paperwork, Aisling can help me do that. I’m seeing her again in two weeks time.

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