my emotions are still all over th e place. so i spent some time with nitro…cuddling him. that always helps. i was good though, i ate a very healthy breakfast, of banana and an orange. so my day food wise is off to a good start. thats not to say i wont have my chocolate fix later this afternoon, because i sure will! nitro is making me giggle, he is sitting by the window waiting for my dad to take him walking. he hears him outside and he’s whimpering and whining. he just loves going out and when he’s at my parents my dad always takes him out walking. i’m waiting for someone from the weekend team to call me. michelle asked me what time i wanted a call at, i said 11 so hoping they kinda stick to that time. it helps to know when you’ll be called. now if only i knew who was calling my nerves would be settled. i’m a little bit anxious about the call. bank holidays are always so boring. there literally is nothing to do. i suppose i should be trying to relax and enjoy the chill out time. but i’m anci and just bored. really i need to charge up my electronics for the hospital. my mp3 player, etc. i found an old mp3 player the other day, that i had for years but havent used in about six years. its a creative zen player. it was pretty expensive when i bought it. i noticed there was music on it when i plugged it in to charge. will look forward to checking all of it out when its fully charged.
I miss eileen. she’s on easter break. and today we would have had our session if it was a normal monday.
I feel sad. I was going to text her to say I hoped she was having a happy easter. but i dont want to bother her.
i’ll probably just wait until later in the week, and text her to let her know i’ve gone into hospital. that seems like the better idea. still doesnt take the sadness away though at not seeing her today.
the kids are missing her. maybe its time to get out our recordings and listen to her sootheing voice reading to us. or maybe i should get that rose scent out and breathe that in for a while. maybe then the sadness would disapate.
well, i’m having a bit of an emotional overload right now. i’ve been awake all night, because I slept all day yesterday. remind me not to do that again, please guys?
Things I plan to do today are:
1 eat healthy but still indulge a little in some left over easter chocolate!
2 be more social. the last two days I’ve isolated a lot. Plan on changing my mindset today.
3 Pack to go to hospital. My mom is going to help me do that.
4 Call some friends, because my friends are soo amazing and I value each and every one of them and the support they give me.
5 Have some snuggle time with Nitro! He always makes me feel good.
6 Try to do a little bit of exercise? If I get that in I’ll really be pleased with myself.
we made it through easter. somehow. with a lot of help. thank god for the weekend team and that it was someone i knew who called me. it was michelle on both saturday and sunday. she was sick though so she is taking Monday off so it will be someone else today who calls me. it was great when it was michelle because she would ask who was fronting, she knows of the did, she has worked with us in the past, both on the psych ward as a nurse and in the outpatients clinic when we were under our last psychiatrist. so she was very familiar with our situation. she talked us through options and told us what we should do if it got to a point that we couldnt manage on our own. we’ve been at our parents all weekend. we slept a lot. that is how i know we arent coping is when we sleep a lot. we were isolating a lot too. our sister came with the kids yesterday so that mom and me could give the kids their easter eggs. it was all we could do to have a shower and be social but we did it for the sake of the kids. they only stayed about an hour and once they left we went back to our room…only coming out for dinner. today monday i have to go home to my own house and get ready to go to hospital later in the week. we’ll probably be going in on wednesday or thursday at the latest if no beds are available on the wednesday. mom is going to come over today with us and help us pack our bag and stuff. i keep telling myself there is just monday to get through as far as easter goes but its not just monday, our birthday is on wednesday and we are so scared of that because of the awful memories it brings up. hopefully dr. barry can find us a bed on wednesday and we can be admitted to hospital then. we’ll be seeing dr. barry on wednesday morning first thing. i’m glad about that. my friend asked me to come over today but I had to decline because I have too much to do in order to get ready to go into hospital. she understood though which was nice.
just got off the phone with michelle from the weekend team. i know michelle very well. she used to come into my appointments with me when i was under my previous psychiatrist dr. collins.
we had a good conversation. she made sure i was safe. i told her i was at my moms and would stay there for the rest of the weekend. she asked me if i was suicidal or if i had any thoughts of hurting myself. i told her i’d had thoughts but they had not gotten to a planning stage. and i’m hoping they wont.
we talked about my upcoming admission this week and she said it seemed like a good idea given that this time of year is so difficult for me. she remembered how hard it had been in the past for me, from when she used to work with me.
she encouraged me to ring her back during the day if I needed to. I said I would. she said even if she was out on a home visit that someone else would talk to me. she’s going to ring me back tomorrow morning to check in with me.
when i look around at other adults who are in their 30’s, i dont think i measure up to them. i feel inadequate. most women in their 30’s have a career, or are married, have kids, i dont have any of those things. my mental illness seems to be all consuming. it is the thing i struggle most with. some people ask me, do you struggle being blind? the answer is no. being blind doesnt bother me nearly as much as being mentally ill. there is much more stigma associated with mental illness, and with the particular mental illness i have, did. my did makes me unique, but it also makes me very different to others my age. i watch kids tv shows, because i have child parts. i play with toys, because even though I am almost 37, there are parts of me who are not. we are very childlike in a lot of areas. of course we are though, we have child parts. todays word prompt just made me think about how i measure up to others who are of a similar age to me.
How do you feel you measure up to others your age?
sitting here not sleeping. feeling lonely. listening to the birds outside my window, wishing i had their freedom.
its 6 AM, maybe I’ll get up and make coffee. beats just sitting here thinking.