LIZ: I DISSOCIATED A LOT IN THERAPY TODAY

ITS LIZ. THERAPY TODAY WAS TOUGH. I DISSOCIATED A LOT DURING THE SESSION. I JUST COULDNT FOCUS. I COULDNT STAY GROUNDED OR IN THE PRESENT, EILEEN HAD HER WORK CUT OUT.
AS ALWAYS THOUGH SHE WAS AWESOME! SHE REALLY HELPED ME AND EVEN THOUGH I WAS REALLY DISSOCIATIVE SHE WAS EVENTUALLY ABLE TO GET ME BACK ENOUGH SO THAT WE COULD DO SOME WORK.
IT STARTED WHEN HILARY WAS OUT. EILEEN ASKED ME TO BE NEAR HER. TO STAND BY HER AND EXPLAIN TO HER WHERE WE LIVED NOW, BECAUSE SHE DOESNT KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT NOW, OR OUR LIFE NOW.
I TRIED TO DO IT, BUT I STARTED TO FEEL SPACY, AND LIKE I WAS BEING PULLED SOMEWHERE. I COULDNT STOP IT FROM HAPPENING. I FELT DIZZY, REALLY SPACY, AND VERY OFF. EILEEN WAS CALLING MY NAME BUT I COULDNT RESPOND TO HER. I JUST FELT MYSELF GOING AWAY.
I DONT REALLY KNOW WHERE I WENT OR FOR HOW LONG. AND I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED WHILE I WASNT THERE. WHO WAS OUT, I DIDNT ASK. ALL I REMEMBER IS EILEEN SITTING BESIDE ME WHEN I CAME BACK, SHE MOVED AWAY A LITTLE, BUT I ASKED HER TO COME BACK CLOSER TO US. I ASKED HER WHY SHE MOVED AWAY AND SHE SAID SHE WAS JUST BEING RESPECTFUL OF MY BOUNDARIES AND OF NOT CROWDING ME BUT THAT IF I WANTED HER TO BE CLOSE TO ME SHE WOULD.
I DID. IT FELT SAFER WHEN SHE SAT CLOSE TO ME. I FELT MORE GROUNDED. AND I FELT LIKE I COULD ACTUALLY STAY IN THE ROOM. I WAS ABLE TO HOLD HER HAND AND THEN I WAS ABLE TO FOCUS ON HER AND ON WHAT SHE WAS SAYING TO ME.
IT WAS A HARD SESSION. THE THING IS WE DIDNT DISCUSS A LOT. WE COULDNT BECAUSE OF MY DISSOCIATION. I KNOW HILARY HAD A LITTLE BIT OF TIME AT THE START, AND SOMEONE WAS OUT WHEN I WASNT. BUT I COULDNT REALLY TELL YOU ABOUT WHAT WE ACTUALLY DISCUSSED. IT KINDA FELT LIKE WE DIDNT DO ANY WORK AT ALL TODAY. BUT I KNOW THATS NOTT TRUE.
I KNOW WE DISCUSSED AGE AND AGES AND STAGES A LITTLE BIT. AND EILEEN SAID TO ME THAT EVEN THOUGH I FEEL LIKE I AM IN MY MID 20’S MOSTLY, THAT THE JOB I DO AT FRIENDLY CALL, AND OTHER STUFF THAT I DO ON A DAILY BASIS REQUIRES SOMEONE WHOSE MUCH MORE MATURE. SO BASICALLY SHE SAID I AM VERY MATURE FOR MY AGE. BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE TELL ME THAT. I HAD TO BE. I HAD NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER. IT JUST HAPPENED THAT WAY DUE TO WHAT I’VE GONE THROUGH.
THATS REALLY ALL I REMEMBER DISCUSSING. OH AND WE DISCUSSED STABILITY A LITTLE TOO. HOW WE’VE BEEN STABLE NOW FOR A WHILE. AND HOW I COULD NEVER IMAGINE THAT HAPPENING FOR US. AND NOW THAT IT HAS IT FEELS PRETTY HUGE TO ME, TO ALL OF US. THERE WAS A TIME WHEN WE WERE CONSTANTLY IN CRISIS. EVERY DAY WAS A STRUGGLE. NOW NOT SO MUCH. YES WE’RE STILL STRUGGLING A LOT. BUT AT LEAST WE HAVE A LIFE. WE’RE LIVING, WE’RE THRIVING. THAT FEELS SO GOOD.
OVERALL IT WAS A HARD SESSION. BUT ALSO A GOOD ONE. BY THE END OF IT I WAS NO LONGER DISSOCIATING. EILEEN HAD GOTTEN ME TO BE FULLY HERE AGAIN. FULLY IN THE THERAPY ROOM. I WAS ABLE TO LEAVE AND WHEN WE DID I WAS ABLE TO FEEL LIKE I WAS FULLY THERE AGAIN. I FELT GOOD. I FELT AS IF A WEIGHT HAD BEEN LIFTED FROM ME. I GOT US HOME IN ONE PIECE. AND WE’VE HAD A GREAT AFTERNOON. NO NAP, BUT THATS OK. WE’RE A LITTLE WIRED NOW THOUGH. WOUND UP. AND A LITTLE ANXIOUS. I TEXTED EILEEN TO LET HER KNOW. SHE HASNT RESPONDED YET. BUT NO DOUBT SHE WILL AT SOME POINT.

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Hannah goes to therapy

hi. my name is hannah. im 13. today i talked to eileen. i was so nervous to talk to her. i’ve had bad experiences with therapists in the past. but eileen is different. she’s so kind. and she’s very nice. she put me at ease. we chatted about a lot. some memories came up and we talked a little about them but we didnt go to much into them. i was glad. i dont like discussing memories. i know your meant to do that in therapy but i was scared. mostly it was memories of when we found out the care taker guy who abused us in the bording school for the blind was also abusing our best friend. and we never knew. but one night our best friend walked in on us when he was abusing us. and then he started hurting her too. me and my twin hilary remember that night. so eileen was talking to me about it today. hilary was close by but she didnt come out to talk. she doesnt trust anyone. she gets really shy and is scared to talk to people. so she stayed inside. eileen kept asking me how she was doing. and how i was doing. after a while we sat together, eileen came over and sat right next to me, and then she held me, she put her arms on my shoulders and back and she held me, and that felt so nice. it felt so safe. i felt like someone cared. i told her i just want someone to believe me. she said hannah, i believe you. you know i do right? I did. I had a feeling she believed me. I am not sure how I knew that but I did. she said we could talk about some other stuff then. so we got to talk all about our body and how having did is weird because there is so many people sharing a body. and i asked eileen if she sees an adult when she’s talking to me. she said she sees an adult body but she knows I am a teen and I have different experiences to the adults. that she can see an adult sitting in front of her but when she talks to me or any of the insiders she experiences us at the age and stages that we’re at. I am glad she sees us for us. then she told me that she has parts too, but they arent pronounced like when you have did. but she said when she talks to people that parts of her have conflicting opinions, thoughts, feelings etc. that seemed strange to me. i never thought of her having parts that maybe think different things and have different thoughts and ideas. so that was cool to find out that she does. as we were talking she still kept holding me. she held me for about 40 minutes. i didnt want her to let go. when she finally did let go it was strange. my shoulders felt bare not having her hands on them. i had felt so grounded when she had her arms on my shoulders. the pressure really helped. I hope I get to talk to her again soon. I enjoyed the session today even though those memories came up for me. We only spent a few minutes on them. Eileen said we need to open things up slowly, like a trickle, and not rush into processing the memories. I am glad we’re not rushing to process them.
hannah age 13

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Night time thoughts

Stillness, silence
night is upon us
fearful, as I try
to settle down in bed
Once again, and suddenly, my thoughts start racing
and I realise
My mind doesnt want me to sleep
Nor does it want to slow down
Fear grips me
as thoughts of what awaits me when I try to sleep
Come flooding in
Let the nightmares begin?

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#Socs making memories

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is frame. Use it as a noun or a verb or any way you like. Have fun!

Picture in a frame
Sitting on my sindow sill
Making me so happy
Everytime I pass by it
Memories made
With my loved ones

http://lindaghill.com/2019/07/19/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-july-20-19/

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Flashbacks

they are color and sound and smell,
they are feelings
everything but words
and no way of dealing
how can i understand this?
was it something bad that’s spinning
why does all this come back
i can’t make sense of the beginning
a world of crazy swirls
where is my voice, before i had one
i cant find the way to talk about
all that needs to be said about what was done
how can i express pain?
when all i know is what’s inside
the tears come, but i cannot tell you
why, even after i’ve cried
am i locked in this place?
stuck in the past with no way of escape
will i always wonder how to describe
all the things that took shape

Written by an alter
Jessa, age 13
c2006

Closing down the memories

Today in therapy was spent just chit chatting. We didnt do any intense work. Eileen said it would be better if we didnt. I actually had some time to talk to her for the first time in weeks. That felt so good. I was glad I had some time, as I needed to tell her about the new meds I am now on. She was kinda floored when I told her I am now taking prozac. I hadnt told her that before. She was like, did you not think it would be something I needed to know? I said yes, of course I did, but I havent been out and around, I havent really been talking to you lately. She said she understood that. So we talked about meds, and she wrote down which ones I am now on. Then we did some EMDR, where we did an exercise to shut down the memories, it was hard, but I managed to do it. I thought of them as windows, and I thought of myself closing all of them, Eileen said we needed a break. She said since she’s not there next monday that we could have a break, as its summer now. We are having a session next week, on Wednesday. But I think it will be more of the same, more light chit chat. Thats ok with me. We talked about gratitude, and she asked me what I value in my life. That was an interesting exercise. Its not often we talk about things that I am grateful for. So it was so nice to be able to just do that. Then I told her about my results in college. A beautiful thing happened after I told her. She hugged me and said, I am so proud of you. She said, you have the extra challenge of not being able to see, yet you thrive, you are intelligent, you learn and you love learning, and you are doing so well. I felt like I was on air. It was so nice to hear her say, I am so proud of you. It felt warm and safe, sootheing, and comforting. So that was basically the session in a nutshell. As I said we dont have another one until next wednesday. Eileen is at an EMDR conference next week on Monday and Tuesday. I asked her where it was but she wouldnt tell me, although she did say its not in cork, I am not sure why she wouldnt tell me where it was, but she said I didnt need to worry about that. So I let it go. I’ll try not to worry, I know she’ll be ok, and she’ll be learning a ton of good stuff that she can share with us when she returns.

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from Anna I emailed eileen!

My names Anna. Im 13.
Im so scared! I feel so out of it!
I wrote our therapist Eileen. I emailed her.
I told her I am nervous to write, I dont wanna bother her!
I feel so scared though!
A horrible person from our past contacted us and threatened me!
And I am so nervous maybe I should just respond to them. It would probably not be good, but maybe they’d go away then?
Willow and Wendy said no! They said not to do it!
So I wrote Eileen and I told her what happened and then I made some tea.
I hope I can go back to sleep but I dont know if I can!
Just feel out of sorts!
Anna who is 13

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