Hi guys. How are you all? We had pizza for lunch. That was cool.
We are leaving soon to go to the airport. It’s been nice seeing all our relatives. Looking forward to going home though to.
I’m glad we got to have pizza for lunch. We are thinking of coming back here in the summer. We are planning a trip again in August or September. I can’t wait.
Well I better run. Talk to you all later. Hopefully the flight home will be smooth. I’m nervous about it. I don’t like flying.
We are shopping this morning. Looking around in the Killarney outlet centre. I got a nice fleece top, in the sale
We had breakfast too. It was lovely.
We are going to torc waterfall in a little while. I’ll post pics later. It’s been a fab weekend.
these memories come
leave me numb
gasping for breath
as my heart rate quickens
a childhood stolen
pain and fear
i can hear
as the blood spills
collide and life
is unmanageable for a while
i pull it together
and fight another day
fight for my survival
What is one special memory that you cherish?
For me its anything I’ve done recently with my family!
We do a lot of activities together, and I cherish all of them.
I love spending time with my relatives. They’re all half crazy hahaha but I love them all.
How about you?
hi. my name is taryn. i am 17. i thought i’d write a little bit about my experience today in therapy. liz started the session off, but then i came forward, as eileen wanted to talk to someone in the darks, liz’s system, who was not doing well.
you see things havent been great for any of us lately. we got an email last week, from a past abuser. they really set us off, triggered us. they emailed and basically asked us to meet up with them over the weekend. this past weekend had ritual dates in it. dates which are important when you are a survivor of RA. anyway our abuser wanted to meet us to no doubt hurt us in some way.
we didnt respond to the email. but some of us wanted too. i was one of the insiders here who thought we needed to respond. wendy and me had an argument about it. she told me i shouldnt, but i kept thinking i should. eileen reminded me today that that was a younger part of me wanting to do that. since she’d been told that if she didnt comply she’d be killed or seriously hurt in some way.
eileen asked me if i’d like to work a little bit with my memories today. i said i’d try. so we worked a little with the pulsers. i kept having an image come up. an image of when i was 8 years old. an image of being tied up with rope, and left alone, in the cold and in the dark. that was just a part of the memory. i cant really say any more than that about it since its really upsetting. i dont want to go there not just yet.
eileen was so kind to me today. she was so gentle. she kept telling me that it was back then and not now. she told me about our life now, since i dont come out that often and so i didnt know much about our life now. she told me all the things we’re doing on a daily basis. that was so good to hear. i didnt even know we’re in college now. that sure was news to me.
we talked about the contact, and eileen asked me if i felt powerless. i said i did. i said i felt like no matter what we do, even if we dont contact the abusers, that something bad will happen to us. she said thats a memory. that it more than likely wont. that we have CCTV on our house now, i said i knew that, and that actually that had kinda deterred them, she asked me how long it has been since something physical happened, like since they physically hurt us. its been 3 years. the last time they hurt us they actually hurt emily and taylor. they came to our home and taylor let them in.
eileen reminded me that the only way now that they can hurt us is if someone goes to meet them, or lets them into our home. i told her they dont stick around now when they do come by our house, as they dont want to be caught on CCTV. eileen asked me if we’d ever reported the emails to the police. i said no. we dont trust the police. we’ve had bad experiences with them in the past, so now we dont trust them.
eileen asked me who in the system I trusted. I said liz. then she said liz is the most honest person she’s ever met. she’s real. she says it like it is. she speaks the truth. of course liz was delighted to hear eileen say all those nice things about her. she’s right though. liz is awesome.
so then eileen asked me about the part who is frozen, cuz today we kept having a frozen part coming out. she kept holding our breath, and dissociating, and feeling like she couldnt move, so then none of us could move either.
so she had me make a bedroom for her inside, where she can be until next time, until we can get to do some work with her in session, probably next week. so i made a comfortable room for her to be in, with bean bags, a warm bed, blankets, toys in it etc.
so basically that was my session. the session flew by so fast. it seemed like i was there one minute, and the next minute eileen was saying we were almost finished, and can liz take us home. i was glad to let liz come back out. i feel so tired now. i will probably go back inside for the evening now and rest for the rest of the evening.
Frozen in place
No smile on my face
Flashing back in time
To a memory
31 years ago
But time goes so slow
Cant think or breathe
Don’t want to be me
Don’t want it to be real
I just cant feel
Feels too raw
In a vulnerable space
Trying to remember
The sootheing tone
Of my therapists voice
As she gently guides me