this is misty. i am 15. i have had a scary morning, i came out during therapy, because liz was doing EMDR with eileen, and i was nearby, and the pulsers spooked me, i felt scared of them, the feel of them buzzing in my hand made me freak out.
eileen talked to me and we talked a lot about feelings, i told her it felt as if something was going to spill out all over the place and leak out everywhere causing a huge mess.
she asked me to describe my feelings to her, i had a hard time doing that. im not good at describing things. i dont come out a lot, time and places dont really mean a lot to me, i know we have a house and live on our own, but i rarely am out, so eileen suggested that liz sticks by me, and when liz is out i can experience some of what that is like through her.
that felt safer to me, i feel safe with liz. i admire liz, look up to her, i do have a friend inside, her name is clara.
i dont think i want to open too much stuff up just yet, its too scary, im afraid, afraid of what will happen when i do.
eileen said its like a balloon, we can untie the knot in it, let a little of the air out and then tie it back up again, she said we dont have to let all of the air out at once. she said she wouldnt let us do that, she doesnt want to destabilise us, thats not her intent.
im glad. maybe i will use the pulsers at some point in the future, when they dont feel so scary to me.
HI! ITS ME LIZ! SO TODAY IN THERAPY SOME OF THE DARKS IN MY SYSTEM TALKED. THE ADULT DARKS. THEY TALKED AND A LOT OF THINGS GOT WORKED ON. WE DISCUSSED WHY THEY DIDNT WANT TO OPEN UP, DISCUSS ANYTHING, WHY THEY DIDNT WANT TO PARTICIPATE IN THERAPY. IT CAME TO LIGHT THAT THEY WERE PROGRAMMED DURING THE ABUSE NOT TO REVEAL ANYTHING, NEVER TO TELL OR DIVULGE ANY INFO. IF THEY DID THERE WOULD BE SEVERE CONSEQUENCES, THE PROGRAMMING INVOLVED PHYSICAL PAIN TRAINING, SO IT WAS PRETTY MUCH DRILLED IN TO THEM NOT TO TALK. EILEEN WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. SHE TOTALLY GOT IT. SKYLER AND RAYNE BOTH SPOKE TO HER. BOTH OF THEM ARE ADULTS. SKYLER SAID SHE HAD NO TIME FOR THE KIDS, AND THEIR NEEDS, AND THAT IS HOW THEY GOT ON TO TALKING ABOUT TRAUMA AND PAIN TRAINING, BECAUSE SHE WAS EXPLAINING TO EILEEN ABOUT THE KIDS IN THE DARKS BEING HOLDERS OF TRAUMA, AND SHE WAS SAYING HOW SHE FEARED IF THEY STARTED REVEALING THEIR TRAUMAS, THAT THE FEELINGS WOULD OVERWHELM THE ADULTS. EILEEN REASSURRED THEM THAT SHE WASNT GOING TO LET THAT HAPPEN. RAYNE CAME OUT AFTER A WHILE AND SHE WAS CALMER. SHE TOLD EILEEN THAT SHE FEELS SAFE NOW, AND TRUSTS EILEEN AND IS WILLING TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP AND BEGIN WORKING ON MEMORIES AND ON THE TRAUMA. EILEEN ASKED THEM TO MAKE A CONTRACT WITH HER, AND IT SAYS THAT IF THEY GET OVERWHELMED, OR FEELINGS COME UP THAT ARE HARD TO HANDLE, THAT THEY’LL CONTACT EILEEN, AND NOT SELF HARM OR DO DAMAGE INTERNALLY. THEY DID AGREE TO THIS. EILEEN SAID SHE’S MAKING HERSELF AVAILABLE AND THEY CAN REACH HER ANY TIME, THROUGH TEXT, EMAIL OR BY PHONE. THAT WAS SO KIND OF HER. WE REALLY APPRECIATE THAT SHE’S DOING THAT FOR US. RAYNE TOLD HER THAT SHE DIDNT FEEL WE’D SELF HARM NOW, EVEN IF WE FEEL LIKE IT SOMETIMES. THAT WE’VE NOT DONE IT IN A LONG TIME, AND WE DIDNT THINK WE’D START THAT HABIT UP AGAIN NOW. ITS GOOD THAT SHE’S AVAILABLE TO US IF WE NEED HER, THAT MAKES A HUGE DIFFERENCE. SHE SAID WE NEED TO TAKE THINGS SLOW. WE NEED TO DO THIS WORK SLOWLY. THE ADULTS NEED TO ALL BE ON BORD, IN ORDER TO WORK WITH THE KIDS, BECAUSE THEY NEED TO BE ABLE TO ALSO SUPPORT THE KIDS. THATS GOING TO BE HARD, BUT I THINK WE CAN MANAGE IT. I’M HOPEFUL THAT WE CAN. EILEEN SAID THE DARK KIDS CAN EMAIL HER, BUT FOR THEM NOT TO DETAIL MEMORIES IN THE EMAIL, SINCE IT MAY OVERWHELM US, SHE SAID THOUGH IF THEY FEEL SAD, MAD, ETC THAT THEY CAN WRITE TO HER AND TELL HER HOW THEY FEEL. BUT THAT WE’LL DISCUSS THE TRAUMAS DURING OUR SESSIONS. THAT MAKES SENSE TO ME. I’M GLAD WE’LL BE DOING THAT. IT FEELS LIKE A LOT OF PROGRESS WAS MADE TODAY. I’M HAPPY WITH HOW OUR SESSION WENT. IT CERTAINLY WASNT WHAT I EXPECTED. I WAS OUT AT THE START, AND I HAD TEXTED HER BEFORE GOING IN, TO SAY I COULDNT FIND MY WORDS AND THAT I HOPED SHE’D BE ABLE TO HELP ME. SHE’D TEXTED ME BACK SAYING WE’D WORK IT OUT AND FOR ME NOT TO WORRY. AND TRUE TO HER WORD, SHE DID WORK IT OUT AND I AM SO GRATEFUL TO HER. HER GENTLENESS AND KINDNESS NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE ME. SHE MAKES ME FEEL SO SAFE, SO VALIDATED, SO LOVED. WHEN WE SAID WE FELT SAFE ENOUGH TO DO THE WORK NOW, AFTER 7 YEARS OF SEEING HER AND HER NOT LEAVING OR GOING ANYWHERE, SHE SAID, THATS A VERY BIG STATEMENT, AND ITS TRUE, IT WAS. BUT WE DO, WE FEEL THAT NOW ITS TIME, ITS TIME TO RELEASE SOME OF THE TRAUMAS, AND MEMORIES AND BEGIN TO HEAL AND BEGIN TO PROCESS THEM. EILEEN IS WITH US, SHE’S GOING TO BE THERE AND SHE WONT LET US FALL, SHE’LL HOLD US AND CATCH UP AND BE THERE FOR US THROUGH IT ALL. AND I AM SO GLAD WE HAVE HER. IT FEELS LIKE WE CAN DO THIS WITH HER BY OUR SIDE. WITH HER BY MY SIDE, I CAN CONQUER ANYTHING!
ITS LIZ. THERAPY TODAY WAS TOUGH. I DISSOCIATED A LOT DURING THE SESSION. I JUST COULDNT FOCUS. I COULDNT STAY GROUNDED OR IN THE PRESENT, EILEEN HAD HER WORK CUT OUT.
AS ALWAYS THOUGH SHE WAS AWESOME! SHE REALLY HELPED ME AND EVEN THOUGH I WAS REALLY DISSOCIATIVE SHE WAS EVENTUALLY ABLE TO GET ME BACK ENOUGH SO THAT WE COULD DO SOME WORK.
IT STARTED WHEN HILARY WAS OUT. EILEEN ASKED ME TO BE NEAR HER. TO STAND BY HER AND EXPLAIN TO HER WHERE WE LIVED NOW, BECAUSE SHE DOESNT KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT NOW, OR OUR LIFE NOW.
I TRIED TO DO IT, BUT I STARTED TO FEEL SPACY, AND LIKE I WAS BEING PULLED SOMEWHERE. I COULDNT STOP IT FROM HAPPENING. I FELT DIZZY, REALLY SPACY, AND VERY OFF. EILEEN WAS CALLING MY NAME BUT I COULDNT RESPOND TO HER. I JUST FELT MYSELF GOING AWAY.
I DONT REALLY KNOW WHERE I WENT OR FOR HOW LONG. AND I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED WHILE I WASNT THERE. WHO WAS OUT, I DIDNT ASK. ALL I REMEMBER IS EILEEN SITTING BESIDE ME WHEN I CAME BACK, SHE MOVED AWAY A LITTLE, BUT I ASKED HER TO COME BACK CLOSER TO US. I ASKED HER WHY SHE MOVED AWAY AND SHE SAID SHE WAS JUST BEING RESPECTFUL OF MY BOUNDARIES AND OF NOT CROWDING ME BUT THAT IF I WANTED HER TO BE CLOSE TO ME SHE WOULD.
I DID. IT FELT SAFER WHEN SHE SAT CLOSE TO ME. I FELT MORE GROUNDED. AND I FELT LIKE I COULD ACTUALLY STAY IN THE ROOM. I WAS ABLE TO HOLD HER HAND AND THEN I WAS ABLE TO FOCUS ON HER AND ON WHAT SHE WAS SAYING TO ME.
IT WAS A HARD SESSION. THE THING IS WE DIDNT DISCUSS A LOT. WE COULDNT BECAUSE OF MY DISSOCIATION. I KNOW HILARY HAD A LITTLE BIT OF TIME AT THE START, AND SOMEONE WAS OUT WHEN I WASNT. BUT I COULDNT REALLY TELL YOU ABOUT WHAT WE ACTUALLY DISCUSSED. IT KINDA FELT LIKE WE DIDNT DO ANY WORK AT ALL TODAY. BUT I KNOW THATS NOTT TRUE.
I KNOW WE DISCUSSED AGE AND AGES AND STAGES A LITTLE BIT. AND EILEEN SAID TO ME THAT EVEN THOUGH I FEEL LIKE I AM IN MY MID 20’S MOSTLY, THAT THE JOB I DO AT FRIENDLY CALL, AND OTHER STUFF THAT I DO ON A DAILY BASIS REQUIRES SOMEONE WHOSE MUCH MORE MATURE. SO BASICALLY SHE SAID I AM VERY MATURE FOR MY AGE. BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE TELL ME THAT. I HAD TO BE. I HAD NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER. IT JUST HAPPENED THAT WAY DUE TO WHAT I’VE GONE THROUGH.
THATS REALLY ALL I REMEMBER DISCUSSING. OH AND WE DISCUSSED STABILITY A LITTLE TOO. HOW WE’VE BEEN STABLE NOW FOR A WHILE. AND HOW I COULD NEVER IMAGINE THAT HAPPENING FOR US. AND NOW THAT IT HAS IT FEELS PRETTY HUGE TO ME, TO ALL OF US. THERE WAS A TIME WHEN WE WERE CONSTANTLY IN CRISIS. EVERY DAY WAS A STRUGGLE. NOW NOT SO MUCH. YES WE’RE STILL STRUGGLING A LOT. BUT AT LEAST WE HAVE A LIFE. WE’RE LIVING, WE’RE THRIVING. THAT FEELS SO GOOD.
OVERALL IT WAS A HARD SESSION. BUT ALSO A GOOD ONE. BY THE END OF IT I WAS NO LONGER DISSOCIATING. EILEEN HAD GOTTEN ME TO BE FULLY HERE AGAIN. FULLY IN THE THERAPY ROOM. I WAS ABLE TO LEAVE AND WHEN WE DID I WAS ABLE TO FEEL LIKE I WAS FULLY THERE AGAIN. I FELT GOOD. I FELT AS IF A WEIGHT HAD BEEN LIFTED FROM ME. I GOT US HOME IN ONE PIECE. AND WE’VE HAD A GREAT AFTERNOON. NO NAP, BUT THATS OK. WE’RE A LITTLE WIRED NOW THOUGH. WOUND UP. AND A LITTLE ANXIOUS. I TEXTED EILEEN TO LET HER KNOW. SHE HASNT RESPONDED YET. BUT NO DOUBT SHE WILL AT SOME POINT.
hi. my name is hannah. im 13. today i talked to eileen. i was so nervous to talk to her. i’ve had bad experiences with therapists in the past. but eileen is different. she’s so kind. and she’s very nice. she put me at ease. we chatted about a lot. some memories came up and we talked a little about them but we didnt go to much into them. i was glad. i dont like discussing memories. i know your meant to do that in therapy but i was scared. mostly it was memories of when we found out the care taker guy who abused us in the bording school for the blind was also abusing our best friend. and we never knew. but one night our best friend walked in on us when he was abusing us. and then he started hurting her too. me and my twin hilary remember that night. so eileen was talking to me about it today. hilary was close by but she didnt come out to talk. she doesnt trust anyone. she gets really shy and is scared to talk to people. so she stayed inside. eileen kept asking me how she was doing. and how i was doing. after a while we sat together, eileen came over and sat right next to me, and then she held me, she put her arms on my shoulders and back and she held me, and that felt so nice. it felt so safe. i felt like someone cared. i told her i just want someone to believe me. she said hannah, i believe you. you know i do right? I did. I had a feeling she believed me. I am not sure how I knew that but I did. she said we could talk about some other stuff then. so we got to talk all about our body and how having did is weird because there is so many people sharing a body. and i asked eileen if she sees an adult when she’s talking to me. she said she sees an adult body but she knows I am a teen and I have different experiences to the adults. that she can see an adult sitting in front of her but when she talks to me or any of the insiders she experiences us at the age and stages that we’re at. I am glad she sees us for us. then she told me that she has parts too, but they arent pronounced like when you have did. but she said when she talks to people that parts of her have conflicting opinions, thoughts, feelings etc. that seemed strange to me. i never thought of her having parts that maybe think different things and have different thoughts and ideas. so that was cool to find out that she does. as we were talking she still kept holding me. she held me for about 40 minutes. i didnt want her to let go. when she finally did let go it was strange. my shoulders felt bare not having her hands on them. i had felt so grounded when she had her arms on my shoulders. the pressure really helped. I hope I get to talk to her again soon. I enjoyed the session today even though those memories came up for me. We only spent a few minutes on them. Eileen said we need to open things up slowly, like a trickle, and not rush into processing the memories. I am glad we’re not rushing to process them.
hannah age 13
night is upon us
fearful, as I try
to settle down in bed
Once again, and suddenly, my thoughts start racing
and I realise
My mind doesnt want me to sleep
Nor does it want to slow down
Fear grips me
as thoughts of what awaits me when I try to sleep
Come flooding in
Let the nightmares begin?
Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is frame. Use it as a noun or a verb or any way you like. Have fun!
Picture in a frame
Sitting on my sindow sill
Making me so happy
Everytime I pass by it
With my loved ones
they are color and sound and smell,
they are feelings
everything but words
and no way of dealing
how can i understand this?
was it something bad that’s spinning
why does all this come back
i can’t make sense of the beginning
a world of crazy swirls
where is my voice, before i had one
i cant find the way to talk about
all that needs to be said about what was done
how can i express pain?
when all i know is what’s inside
the tears come, but i cannot tell you
why, even after i’ve cried
am i locked in this place?
stuck in the past with no way of escape
will i always wonder how to describe
all the things that took shape
Written by an alter
Jessa, age 13