im feeling really weird. on edge. agitated. unsettled. unsteady and unstable. it feels awful. i dont feel well at all tonight. i can see myself at age 2.5. living with mom and dad, in dads familys house. with his mother, brother and sister. i see them all drinking, drinking a lot. always drinking. i remember things. lots of bits of memories. lotsof fragments. i remember the yelling. so much yelling. i remember the fear as dad would be drunk, yelling at his brother and sister. yelling at his mom too.
me and our mom we’d be in the bedroom trying to sleep. both being very scared. mom was only 18. she had us at 17. we’d try to make sure she was ok. we’d try to take care of her. we tried so hard. even at 2.5 years old, we knew. we knew this wasnt the way things were supposed to be. we knew then. it was mostly emily and her insiders fronting then. and shirley, and us. shirley couldnt handle it though, so emily would, and us, her insiders, we’d also handle it. now we have lots of infants and toddlers in here. who remember. they remember it all.
tonight we’re just so so sad. all of it it just hurts. i hurt. em is hurting. jade made us some tea. and we have our blanket, and we snuggled with nitro. we talked to our friend too on the phone. that did help some.
we told eileen some of this today. she said we should never have had to do what we had to do. no child should take care of the adults. thats not how its supposed to be. but thats how it was for us.
my heart is aching. my stomach swirling. my eyes burning. my head pounding. my body just feels, awful. i feel, awful. i wish this would end. someone make it stop. i cant do this.
Sassy, age 13, one of ems insiders
to shed a tear seems a crime
it happened before, not at this time
horrid, horrible, tragic
never such a thing as calling a truce
i would beg, i would plead,
i would suffer, i would bleed
and at it’s end i’d be left alone
to make another
like a clone
Someone to carry on for me
to take the place where I couldn’t be
gripped by fear
she falls apart
tries to self soothe
the flashbacks overcome her
vomiting for a whole hour
till her stomach is empty of everything
as a nurse holds her shaking body
is this how it is going to be forever?
I’ve been feeling very unstable. I am having tons of memories and flashbacks. And just feeling off. So I rang mom. I asked her if I could come and stay the night at her house. She said I could. I didnt tell her that I wasnt doing well. I didnt want to worry her. She didnt ask either. Thats ok though. I didnt want to talk about it anyway.
So I rang a taxi to take me to her house. The guy I spoke too from the taxi base was lovely. He said the traffic was extremely heavy but he said he’d try to get a car to me as quick as he could. And he got one to me very quickly.
Now I am here. I decided I will stay here tonight and tomorrow night. Moms ok with that. I feel a lot safer here. Like I feel like I wont do anything impulsive and no one else inside can either. So thats good. The kids also feel safer. They are a lot calmer being here.
I napped this afternoon for a while. I wasnt tired but I was watching tv and I just fell asleep. I slept for about an hour. I might not sleep tonight now because I napped today.
Oh well. It happens. I’ll be ok. I’m going to have a nice warm bubble bath now. I think that will help me feel calm.
It is taking everything in me not to text Eileen. Text her to ask her to ring me back. I don’t want to bother her though. I know she has college tonight. She teaches on Mondays. So she wouldn’t even be able to call me even if I asked.
Memories are swamping us. I’m drowning here.
I cant stand it. I feel so utterly defeated. I took a shower to try to relax. I used some lotion on my body trying to give myself some sensory input. Trying to distract myself from the horrible thoughts.
I just cant get rid of them. I wish I could hold Eileens hand. Hug her. I wish she would take me in her arms and tell me I’ll be ok. I’m struggling so much to feel her presence right now. Struggling to feel the connection that we have.
If I still feel this way in the morning I might text her. Just for a five min phone check in. I feel like I am going to decompress at any minute. It feels so awful. I just feel like I am sinking fast.
ITS LIZ HERE. IM DEALING WITH A LOT IN MY OWN SYSTEM INSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE DARKS ARE NOT VERY HAPPY. NOT REALLY SURE WHY. WELL THERE IS THE FACT THEY’VE HAD TO DEAL WITH THEIR MEMORIES PRETTY MUCH ON THEIR OWN SINCE THERE WAS NO THERAPY LAST WEEK. EILEEN HAD SAID TO TEXT HER OR EMAIL HER BUT THEY ARE REFUSING TO DO THAT. NOT SURE WHY. I DIDNT EVEN GET TO TELL HER TODAY ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON. MAYBE I’LL JUST EMAIL HER IN A FEW MINUTES TO TELL HER. I FEEL ITS IMPORTANT SHE KNOWS THEY ARE STRUGGLING. THESE ARENT KIDS EITHER. THEY ARE ADULTS AND TEENS MOSTLY. JUST THAT THEY ARE DARKS IN OUR SYSTEM. IM PRETTY PISSED ACTUALLY ABOUT IT ALL. I DONT LIKE WHEN PEOPLE IN MY SYSTEM ARE ARGUING AND THERE IS A LOT OF THAT SHIT GOING ON RIGHT NOW. A LOT OF INTERNAL FIGHTING AND UNEASE AND UNREST. PEOPLE ARE BEING VERY VIOLENT TOO. ONE OR TWO INSIDERS ARE GOING INTO BLIND RAGES. I’VE HAD TO BREAK UP A FEW FIGHTS LATELY. ITS FRUSTRATING. SO YEAH I THINK AN EMAIL TO EILEEN IS IN ORDER. THE FACT THAT WE HAD THAT ACCIDENT IS SHITTY, BAD TIMING IF YOU ASK ME. WE NEVER DEALT WITH THE HALLOWEEN STUFF THAT CAME UP. NOW HALLOWEEN IS OVER PEOPLE THINK ITS JUST OVER. THE MEMORIES HAVE DISAPPEARED. BUT THEY HAVENT. ITS JUST NOT HOW IT WORKS. THEY STILL RUN FOR US. JUST BECAUSE THE DAY HAS PASSED DOESNT MEAN SHIT TO US REALLY. IM JUST IRRITABLE. AND A LITTLE ANGRY THAT THERAPY WAS TAKEN UP TODAY WITH THAT DAMN ACCIDENT. THAT DAMN DICKHEAD WHO HIT US, SHOULD BE SHOT OR PUNISHED BY SOME OTHER FUCKING MEANS. WHAT AN ASSHOLE. WE HAD TO PROCESS HIS STUPIDITY INSTEAD OF DEALING WITH OUR PAST. DAMN ANYWAY.
Im swimming in pain right now. Grief. Pain and memories and trauma. Ug. This is hard. This is shit. I feel like crap.
Im trying to distract. I have a show on tv and Im trying to watch it. Its not really working. Think now is the time I wish I had some meds that’d knock me out. Some PRN meds.
I used to take Haldol PRN. But now I don’t. Now I wish I did.
I may ask dr. barry for some tomorrow. I hope she’ll ok it.
I really wish I did not feel so bad. It feelsjust so horrible.