Canceled session

we never went to therapy today. one of our littles, her name is ciara, got freaked out, and texted eileen and canceled. eileen knows we never miss our session ever so she rang us wondering what was up. that was so nice of her, she didnt have to ask us why, she could have just taken what ciara said in the text and went with it and let it go. but she didnt. instead she called us and talked to me about why we didnt come in. and then later this afternoon ciara texted her and she replied to her saying she’d talk to her next week if she wanted to talk, but that she didnt have to or they could talk about other stuff, not memories, because the reason ciara wouldnt go today was because she was afraid that she’d have to talk to eileen about her memories she’d been having this weekend. so yeah, did not need for this to happen today but it did, so now we have to work with that.
carol anne

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Poetry

it didnt take long
for you to break me
take my innocence
make me a puppet
compliant and mute
it didnt take long
for you to silence me
with your threats
it didnt take long
for you to batter and bruise me
so that i had to create
the only ones in whom i could trust
and confide in
it didnt take long
it didnt take long
and now the memories remain
they drive me insane
yes
it didnt take long at all
for all of this to happen

poetry

my mind is stirring
my head is whirring
too many thoughts
I cant think
I cant deal
I cant feel
I am unable to cope
I am unable to do much of anything
I am unable to sleep
what is the next best option
who knows
i sure dont
i do know though
that it wasnt my fault
the flashbacks have hit
and i am thinking
i was just a kid
i didnt deserve this
anxiously i wait
for the memories to disapate

A desperate cry

i’m drowning
in desperation
in pain
and grief
swimming, but sinking
a puddle on the floor
no will to live
no will to go on
clinging to shreds of hope
that some day
some time in the future
this will all be a distant memory

Poetry black tar

i wonder
will i ever be free
free to be me
free to be a kid
is it possible
these are my thoughts
as i sit here swimming
in pain and terror
i dont feel together
i am falling apart
emotionally i feel like black tar
cant get through it
get to the other side
always having to hide
hide hide hide
memories flow
oh where can i go
my head pounds
i am afraid to make a sound
eyes burn
stomach churns
afraid, afraid
afraid of this day
will it ever be over?

drowning

ITS LIZ. AND I AM DROWNING. DROWNING IN PAIN, GRIEF, TRAUMATIC MEMORIES, THIS IS SHIT, A SHIT WAY TO FEEL, A SHIT TIME FOR ME. I AM STRUGGLING, REALLY STRUGGLING. I NEED A FRIEND. I NEED AN ALLY. I NEED THE SUPPORT OF OTHERS WHO GET IT. WHO GET ME. WHO KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO FEEL ALONE AND TO FEEL MISUNDERSTOOD. TO FEEL UNHEARD AND UNLOVED. TO FEEL SAD AND DESPERATE AND CLINGY AND IRRITATED BECAUSE YOU FEEL CLINGY AND WHO CRAVE ATTACHMENT TO YOUR SAFE PERSON IN MY CASE THAT IS MY THERAPIST AND PSYCHIATRIST. I CRAVE CARE FROM THEM. I DESPERATELY WANT TO BE NEAR THEM I DESPERATELY CRAVE THEIR LOVE. I KNOW THEY LOVE ME BUT RIGHT NOW IT DOESNT SEEM TO WANT TO SINK IN I CANT FEEL IT IN MY HEART IN MY THOUGHTS IN MY BODY, I GENUINELY CANT FEEL IT.
FUCK, FUCK, THIS IS CRAP.