todays Therapy session. Preparing for eileens holiday

hey everyone
carol anne here. we had a good therapy session today. most of it was spent preparing for Eileens upcoming holiday.
At the start of the session an insider who doesnt come out very often was out. That was interesting. She was a little bit disorientated and distressed but luckily eileen was able to help her and see that she was ok.
Eileen then reiterated to us that its not very safe for insiders who dont front much to be out because they dont know about our life now, and they dont really know what to do or how things work. Luckily this insider was able to communicate with emily, and emily was able to tell her how to get us to therapy. The rest of us werent really able to do anything as we werent able to communicate with her.
Anyway. It got sorted and she was able to go back inside and I was able to come out. And then we worked on preparing for Eileens vacation. Eileen said she wants to take this week and next week before she leaves to do some work with us for when she’s gone. Today we worked with the light adults and the dark adults, and next week it will be the kids turn to work with her.
Basically what we did was this. We worked on putting all of our memories and the things we’d been working with her on into a box. And then locking them in a vault until we see her again after her holiday. That way we wont be over run with memories and triggers while she’s gone. I thought this was a fab idea.
It was hard but we did it. With eileens help of course. Basically she told each of us that we had a box, an iron box to put all of our memories in. Each box has a combination lock on it and only the person who owns the box knows the code to the lock. Then we put them in a room, and only eileen knows the code to the room. Nothing can leak out until she returns.
The darks did it a little differently. Liz made a room underground in their castle and herself and willow and wendy brought all of their boxes down there. Liz is the one who knows the combination code on the room where their boxes are. Liz did the work for the darks today and I did it for the lights.
I’m happy with how it all went. It was a first for us. None of our previous therapists had ever done anything like that with us. It felt like such a huge weight had been lifted when we did it. It was a huge relief. Relief just flooded through me once it was done.
Next week eileen will spend the session with the kids. She said we can bring our digital recorder in and a book and she will read to them and we can record it to have while she is gone. So we are going to bring in a new book called where ever you are my love will find you. The kids are excited. She has been meaning to read this book now for a few weeks but we just never got around to it. So it will be nice for them to have her read it to them.

#SoCs-Organ!

Lindas prompt for SoCs this week is…organ.

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One Christmas when I was 8 I got an organ as a gift. I loved it. It was a huge organ, on a stand. I would sit for hours playing it, I think that Is where my love of music started. All my little friends would come in the house in to my bedroom and we’d have contests and competitions to see who could play the best. I’m sure it drove my mom crazy but she was a good sport about it. I had that organ for years. I cant actually remember what happened to it. I must have outgrown it at some point though. It is one of my childhood memories that I treasure. I went on to learn piano and I think my love of the piano all started when I would bang tunes out on my organ.
Those were very happy days.

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS July 21/18

LIZ…THERAPY, PROCESSING

IN THERAPY TODAY I DID A LOT OF PROCESSING. THERE WAS A LOT TO PROCESS. I WORKED WITH A YOUNG PART OF ME. SHE WAS AROUND SIX OR SEVEN. IT STARTED OUT ME AND EILEEN TALKING ABOUT MARY LEAVING. AND THEN EILEEN SAID SHE COULD FEEL THAT THERE WAS MORE TO IT. THAT SHE HAD THE FEELING THERE WAS A LOT MORE THAT WAS GOING ON FOR ME. THAT I WASNT SAYING. I TOLD HER YES THERE WAS. SHE ASKED ME TO TRY TO EXPLAIN. AT FIRST I COULDNT. I COULDNT FIND THE WORDS. THEN I FELT THIS LITTLE GIRL, I FELT HER FEAR, HER INTENSE SENSE OF BEING ALONE, LONELY, FEELING ABANDONED, SO I TOLD EILEEN WHAT I WAS FEELING. THEN EILEEN ASKED ME IF I’D LIKE TO WORK WITH THAT WITH THE PULSERS. SO I SAID YES I WOULD. SO THEN WE WORKED WITH THE PULSERS AND WITH THE YOUNG PART OF ME. IT WAS SO HARD NOT TO FULLY DISSOCIATE. I ALMOST DID A COUPLE OF TIMES. BUT JUST AS I WAS SPACING OUT EILEEN WOULD STOP THE EMDR AND BRING ME BACK. SHE SAID IT WAS IMPORTANT FOR ME TO STAY PRESENT SO THAT I COULD SUPPORT THE YOUNGER PART OF ME. IT WAS PRETTY INTENSE. BUT GOOD WORK TOO. WE GOT A LOT PROCESSED. BY THE END OF THE SESSION I WAS ABLE TO GO STAND BY MY YOUNGER SELF. GIVE HER SUPPORT. I HAD COMPASSION FOR HER. I FELT ABLE TO MANAGE AGAIN TOO WHICH FELT GOOD. EILEEN ASKED ME AT THE BEGINNING WHAT WAS THE BELIEF ABOUT MYSELF. I SAID I FELT UNABLE TO COPE. AND I FELT ALONE. BY THE END I FELT ABLE TO MANAGE SUCCESSFULLY AGAIN. THAT BELIEF HAD CHANGED. I FELT STRONG AND MORE ABLE TO COPE. I KNEW I’D BE OK. I KNEW I COULD AND WOULD HAVE A GOOD WEEK AHEAD. AFTER WE PROCESSED THE MEMORY WE JUST TALKED FOR A WHILE. EILEEN TOLD ME I’D COME REALLY FAR. THAT A COUPLE YEARS AGO I WOULDNT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO THIS. AND SHE’S SO RIGHT I WOULDNT. MOST DEFINITELY I WOULDNT. IT WAS A GREAT SESSION. AND NOW I AM FEELING REALLY GOOD AFTER IT.
LIZ

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Argument

im feeling like shit. had an argument with my parents. my dad said i am never happy. thats so not true. i am happy with how my life is right now. the argument was over my pa. i am not liking the current one. and my dad said i had a lovely pa and when i went to do the ILS course I lost her. and he was saying how I shouldnt have gone to do that course. that I gave up a good thing. yes maybe i did. in fact i know i did. but I had to do that course. It was something I had to do for myself. I hate arguments and arguing. It triggers me. There was a lot of yelling, the dogs even got nervous. I just dont like yelling it brings up too many memories. Its over now thank god. I escaped to the bedroom and am now sitting just thinking and trying to read some peoples blogs. It doesnt help that tonight is so hard for us anyway what with it being summer solstace, we’re already really triggered by that due to us being ritual abuse survivors. Ug sigh. Life just sucks tonight.

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ALL OUT

I’M ALL OUT OF WORDS

MY WORDS FAIL ME

I CANT GET MY SHIT TOGETHER

FEELING A LITTLE NO A LOT OVERWHELMED

AND EMOTIONAL

EMAILED EILEEN, TOLD HER I FEEL LOST AND VERY DISCONNECTED FROM MY BODY

HOPING SHE WILL RESPOND TO ME SOON

THIS DISCONNECTION REALLY SUCKS

LIZ

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HARD SESSION TODAY

TODAY I HAD A TERRIBLY HARD THERAPY SESSION. I WAS SO SCARED AND ANXIOUS. LUCKILY EILEEN WAS GREAT. SHE WAS ABLE TO REASSURE ME. I TOLD HER I WAS ANXIOUS BECAUSE I COULDNT FIND MY WORDS TO EXPLAIN WHAT WAS GOING ON FOR ME. “BUT YOU DONT NEED TO FIND WORDS, LIZ” “I’M TOTALLY COOL WITH JUST HANGING OUT WITH FEELINGS” “WE CAN JUST HANG OUT HERE WITH THEM AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS” I TOLD HER I DID NOT KNOW WHERE OUR SESSION WAS HEADING. “THOSE ARE THE BEST KIND OF SESSIONS, LIZ” SHE SAID GENTLY. “SOME PEOPLE COME TO THERAPY WITH EVERYTHING REHEARSED, BECAUSE THEY FEEL LIKE THATS SAFER” “YOU HAVENT DONE THAT” “SO IT WILL BE MORE AUTHENTIC” SO WE JUST WENT WITH IT. I JUST LET WHAT HAPPENED HAPPEN. AND IT WAS OK. I USED THE PULSERS. EMDR IS SO HARD! I DID SO MUCH WORK TODAY AND I SURPRISED MYSELF. I DIDNT EVEN KNOW I COULD DO THAT. WE TRACKED SOME OF MY FEELINGS, LIKE FEAR, ANGER, WORRY, SADNESS. WE TRACKED THEM IN MY BODY. THAT PART WAS SUPER HARD. I NEVER REALLY DID THAT BEFORE SO WASNT USED TO IT. EILEEN GUIDED ME. SHE WALKED ME THROUGH HOLDING THE AREAS WHERE THE ANXIETY WAS STRONGEST AND WHERE I FELT IT MOST. THEN WE TALKED ABOUT DISCONNECTION AND HOW MY BODY DIDNT FEEL LIKE MINE. EILEEN SAID SHE WASNT SURPRISED BECAUSE THE PART OF MY BRAIN THAT IS HOLDING THE BODILY SENSATIONS IS THE PART THATS ACTIVATED NOW. WE TALKED ABOUT TRAUMATIC MEMORIES AND HOW THE BRAIN STORES THEM. I LOVE IT WHEN SHE TELLS US STUFF ABOUT TRAUMA. ITS SO USEFUL. I HAD ALMOST THE ENTIRE SESSION. I WAS DRAINED BY THE END OF IT. SHE SAID I DID GREAT THOUGH AND SHE OFFERED THAT IF I NEED TO DURING THE WEEK I CAN EMAIL OR CALL HER AND SHE’D TALK TO US. SHE TOLD ME TO MAKE SURE I TOLD EVERYONE IN THE SYSTEM THAT. PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY EMAILED HER TONIGHT. INCLUDING ME. I CAME HOME AFTER THERAPY AND WENT RIGHT TO BED AND TO SLEEP FOR ABOUT 5 HOURS. I NEEDED IT. I WAS TOTALLY SHATTERED. THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS AFTER A HARD SESSION THOUGH. WE WILL SLEEP A LOT. IM HAPPY I WENT TODAY. I THINK IT DID ME GOOD TO TALK.
LIZ

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IT CREPT UP ON ME…

SADNESS. YES THAT HORRIBLE FEELING. IT JUST CREPT UP ON ME TONIGHT. ITS AFTER MIDNIGHT. IM STILL UP. I CANT SWITCH OFF. OR GO TO SLEEP. IM IN A LOT OF EMOTIONAL PAIN. MEMORIES ARE BACK. ITS AWFUL. I FEEL SO SMALL. SO SCARED. AND SO SO SAD. I JUST WANT THEM TO STOP. WELL I KNOW ONE THING FOR CERTAIN, NIGHT TIME IS THE WORST FOR ME NOT SPEAKING FOR THE REST OF US, BUT FOR ME, NIGHTS ARE THE BLOODY WORST.
LIZ