HARD SESSION TODAY

TODAY I HAD A TERRIBLY HARD THERAPY SESSION. I WAS SO SCARED AND ANXIOUS. LUCKILY EILEEN WAS GREAT. SHE WAS ABLE TO REASSURE ME. I TOLD HER I WAS ANXIOUS BECAUSE I COULDNT FIND MY WORDS TO EXPLAIN WHAT WAS GOING ON FOR ME. “BUT YOU DONT NEED TO FIND WORDS, LIZ” “I’M TOTALLY COOL WITH JUST HANGING OUT WITH FEELINGS” “WE CAN JUST HANG OUT HERE WITH THEM AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS” I TOLD HER I DID NOT KNOW WHERE OUR SESSION WAS HEADING. “THOSE ARE THE BEST KIND OF SESSIONS, LIZ” SHE SAID GENTLY. “SOME PEOPLE COME TO THERAPY WITH EVERYTHING REHEARSED, BECAUSE THEY FEEL LIKE THATS SAFER” “YOU HAVENT DONE THAT” “SO IT WILL BE MORE AUTHENTIC” SO WE JUST WENT WITH IT. I JUST LET WHAT HAPPENED HAPPEN. AND IT WAS OK. I USED THE PULSERS. EMDR IS SO HARD! I DID SO MUCH WORK TODAY AND I SURPRISED MYSELF. I DIDNT EVEN KNOW I COULD DO THAT. WE TRACKED SOME OF MY FEELINGS, LIKE FEAR, ANGER, WORRY, SADNESS. WE TRACKED THEM IN MY BODY. THAT PART WAS SUPER HARD. I NEVER REALLY DID THAT BEFORE SO WASNT USED TO IT. EILEEN GUIDED ME. SHE WALKED ME THROUGH HOLDING THE AREAS WHERE THE ANXIETY WAS STRONGEST AND WHERE I FELT IT MOST. THEN WE TALKED ABOUT DISCONNECTION AND HOW MY BODY DIDNT FEEL LIKE MINE. EILEEN SAID SHE WASNT SURPRISED BECAUSE THE PART OF MY BRAIN THAT IS HOLDING THE BODILY SENSATIONS IS THE PART THATS ACTIVATED NOW. WE TALKED ABOUT TRAUMATIC MEMORIES AND HOW THE BRAIN STORES THEM. I LOVE IT WHEN SHE TELLS US STUFF ABOUT TRAUMA. ITS SO USEFUL. I HAD ALMOST THE ENTIRE SESSION. I WAS DRAINED BY THE END OF IT. SHE SAID I DID GREAT THOUGH AND SHE OFFERED THAT IF I NEED TO DURING THE WEEK I CAN EMAIL OR CALL HER AND SHE’D TALK TO US. SHE TOLD ME TO MAKE SURE I TOLD EVERYONE IN THE SYSTEM THAT. PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY EMAILED HER TONIGHT. INCLUDING ME. I CAME HOME AFTER THERAPY AND WENT RIGHT TO BED AND TO SLEEP FOR ABOUT 5 HOURS. I NEEDED IT. I WAS TOTALLY SHATTERED. THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS AFTER A HARD SESSION THOUGH. WE WILL SLEEP A LOT. IM HAPPY I WENT TODAY. I THINK IT DID ME GOOD TO TALK.
LIZ

Virus-free. www.avg.com

IT CREPT UP ON ME…

SADNESS. YES THAT HORRIBLE FEELING. IT JUST CREPT UP ON ME TONIGHT. ITS AFTER MIDNIGHT. IM STILL UP. I CANT SWITCH OFF. OR GO TO SLEEP. IM IN A LOT OF EMOTIONAL PAIN. MEMORIES ARE BACK. ITS AWFUL. I FEEL SO SMALL. SO SCARED. AND SO SO SAD. I JUST WANT THEM TO STOP. WELL I KNOW ONE THING FOR CERTAIN, NIGHT TIME IS THE WORST FOR ME NOT SPEAKING FOR THE REST OF US, BUT FOR ME, NIGHTS ARE THE BLOODY WORST.
LIZ

POEM TO MY 15 YEAR OLD TEEN PART

AS SHE SITS ON HER BED
LOOKS INTO 15’S EYES
SEES HOW FRIGHTENED SHE IS
SHE HOLDS OUT HER HAND
TAKE MY HAND, SHE SOFTLY MURMURS
WE’LL EXPLORE THIS NEW PLACE TOGETHER
I AM WITH YOU NOW, NO NEED TO WORRY
I’LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU
PROMISE, AND I DONT BREAK MY PROMISES
NOT IF I CAN HELP IT
15 SHYLY HOLDS OUT HER HAND
A SMILE ON HER FACE
TOGETHER THEY STAND
AND WALK HAND IN HAND
TO EXPLORE THE SURROUNDINGS
OF 15’S NEW LIFE
A LIFE OF FREEDOM
NO LONGER STUCK IN A DARK SWAMP
SHE IS OUT NOW
EMBRACING FREEDOM
IN ALL ITS GLORY
SHE IS OUT
SHE CAN SHOUT
AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS
I AM FREE
FREE TO BE ME
YIPPEE!

Some video of Turk waterfall

We went on a horse and cart ride today and went to see Turk waterfall it was amazing pictures of the horse to come later but here are some video of the bottom of the waterfall that my mum took

LIZ

IM SO DEPRESSED. FEELING SO FRUSTRATED. NOT SURE WHY. JUST KNOW I FEEL LIKE SHIT. CANT COPE. SHOULD WATCH THAT SHOW CANT COPE WONT COPE. ITS A SHOW BY SOME IRISH COMEDIAN I THINK.
ANYWAY. JUST HAVING A CRAPPY NIGHT. FEELING SO FULL OF SADNESS AND DESPAIR. ITS THE WHOLE HAVING TO ACCEPT THE MEMORIES I GOT BACK LAST WEEK, THAT THEY ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME, TO THIS BODY. IT IS HELL.
UG SIGH.
LIZ

GIVE UP, JUST FUCKING GIVE UP

I GIVE UP. I CANT TAKE ANY MORE. I’M DONE. I’M JUST SOOO DONE.
THE MEMORIES ARE JUST, TOO MUCH. I FEEL LIKE SHIT ALL THE TIME.
FUCK, FUCK, HATE IT.
JUST WISH THINGS WERE DIFFERENT. AND YEAH TRIGGERS FUCKING SUCK.
LIZ