they are color and sound and smell,
they are feelings
everything but words
and no way of dealing
how can i understand this?
was it something bad that’s spinning
why does all this come back
i can’t make sense of the beginning
a world of crazy swirls
where is my voice, before i had one
i cant find the way to talk about
all that needs to be said about what was done
how can i express pain?
when all i know is what’s inside
the tears come, but i cannot tell you
why, even after i’ve cried
am i locked in this place?
stuck in the past with no way of escape
will i always wonder how to describe
all the things that took shape
Written by an alter
Jessa, age 13
Today in therapy was spent just chit chatting. We didnt do any intense work. Eileen said it would be better if we didnt. I actually had some time to talk to her for the first time in weeks. That felt so good. I was glad I had some time, as I needed to tell her about the new meds I am now on. She was kinda floored when I told her I am now taking prozac. I hadnt told her that before. She was like, did you not think it would be something I needed to know? I said yes, of course I did, but I havent been out and around, I havent really been talking to you lately. She said she understood that. So we talked about meds, and she wrote down which ones I am now on. Then we did some EMDR, where we did an exercise to shut down the memories, it was hard, but I managed to do it. I thought of them as windows, and I thought of myself closing all of them, Eileen said we needed a break. She said since she’s not there next monday that we could have a break, as its summer now. We are having a session next week, on Wednesday. But I think it will be more of the same, more light chit chat. Thats ok with me. We talked about gratitude, and she asked me what I value in my life. That was an interesting exercise. Its not often we talk about things that I am grateful for. So it was so nice to be able to just do that. Then I told her about my results in college. A beautiful thing happened after I told her. She hugged me and said, I am so proud of you. She said, you have the extra challenge of not being able to see, yet you thrive, you are intelligent, you learn and you love learning, and you are doing so well. I felt like I was on air. It was so nice to hear her say, I am so proud of you. It felt warm and safe, sootheing, and comforting. So that was basically the session in a nutshell. As I said we dont have another one until next wednesday. Eileen is at an EMDR conference next week on Monday and Tuesday. I asked her where it was but she wouldnt tell me, although she did say its not in cork, I am not sure why she wouldnt tell me where it was, but she said I didnt need to worry about that. So I let it go. I’ll try not to worry, I know she’ll be ok, and she’ll be learning a ton of good stuff that she can share with us when she returns.
My names Anna. Im 13.
Im so scared! I feel so out of it!
I wrote our therapist Eileen. I emailed her.
I told her I am nervous to write, I dont wanna bother her!
I feel so scared though!
A horrible person from our past contacted us and threatened me!
And I am so nervous maybe I should just respond to them. It would probably not be good, but maybe they’d go away then?
Willow and Wendy said no! They said not to do it!
So I wrote Eileen and I told her what happened and then I made some tea.
I hope I can go back to sleep but I dont know if I can!
Just feel out of sorts!
Anna who is 13
me gots to tok to eileen in therapy yeserday
it was nice
i like it wen i get to com e out to talk
it is hard somtims but not all the time
yeserday i camed out cuz i got skard
i was feling unsafe
we was workin wif ar body
that maked me feel unsafe
so i came out then
eileen came and sat next to me
and then her ask if she can hold me
i said ok cuz i like it when she holds me
so she came and sat and put her hands around my back and shoulders
it felt so nice
she makes me fel safe
she held me tight like that for a long time
we toked and she held me
it felt so so good
we talked about memories
and we talked about tv shows
i tol her i dont lik it when the grown ups wach law and order SVU
it makes me remeber bad things
she said shed tok to them bout it
and she promised me i dont gots to wach it if i dont wanna
that i can go away inside when the grown ups do that
so i will
i dont like that show
it has scary thing on it
bad things hapen to peple on it
i think eileen did talk to carol anne later on about it
eileen says i get trigered by that show
i gess so i dont know
but that mosly wat we tok bout
that and memories of dublin
and eileen ask me what i notice bout her office
what do i notise wen i come in there
it was good therapy time
i liked having time to tok to her
im so sad. i havent be ok since therapy last week. its been hard. i been crying a lot. i hate memories. they really really suck. i wish i didnt have to remember. i just hate that the memories come. they make me feel so bad.
i emailed eileen a few times. shes so nice to me. she even texted us last week and we had a phone check in. that felt good. i felt safe hearing her voice. it felt ok when she chatted to us. i only feel safe around her. and dr. barry. i dont really feel safe mostly at other times.
tonight im upset. im just sad. i been crying a lot. cant stop crying. my heart hurts. so does my insides. my tummy too. it is awful.
it is only just gone 5 AM now. i been up for hours. i cant sleep. im afraid to go to sleep.
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Today I am going to write about the time when I took part in a contest, with my then youth club. The contest was called, tops of the clubs, and it was a competition to see which club was the best around the area. What we had to do was we had to create a mini talent show. We had half an hour to perform. We had to encorporate comedy, dance, singing and theatre into a show and then go head to head with other youth clubs. It was a lot of fun. The year I entered I was just turning 18. We practiced and practiced for weeks beforehand. My part in the show was singing the theme to river dance, I wore a beautiful long velvet dress, and there were kids irish dancing all around me as I sang. I got a standing ovation at the end of my performance. I still have the VHS tape of us doing that show. Its something that I treasure. Needless to say we won that year. We were on top of the world. I’ve never forgotten that night. I did get very ill on that night too though after the show. I got viral meningitis and had to be hospitalised for 2 weeks. But nothing could dampen my spirits, we’d won and we took the title of the best youth club in our area. That was something to celebrate.
This post is in response to word of the day for june 1st.
Our phone therapy session last night was good. It was so nice to connect with Eileen.
We talked about putting Allie’s memories in a container. She went through the exercise with us on the phone. Allie didnt talk to her, but she was close by and she was able to hear what Eileen was doing and saying which was good. She felt comforted. She immediately calmed down on hearing Eileens voice. Its like it immediately soothed her.
We talked for about 15 minutes. It felt so good. Eileen encouraged us to do some self care last night, wind down early and have an early night. Which is exactly what we did.
It was a good session. And we did manage to shelve the memories and last night they didnt plague us which was nice.
We decided to shelve them, and leave them in Eileens office. We put them in a huge container and eileen said we can leave them in her office, which feels safer to us.
This morning I feel good. I woke up feeling awesome. I woke at 5 AM feeling so refreshed, we’re doing well and it feels amazing.
I need to send Eileen an email with an update. I will do that after I finish this post.