Feel wobbly

Feeling off right now. Feel a bit shit if I am honest. A bit wobbly. Unstable. And emotional.

Not sure what is wrong. I just feel, crappy.

I am gonna have to try to distract myself from the feelings…easier said than done.

I think stirring up all the memories today in therapy has set us off. I hope we’re not in for a night of it now. I feel like a torrent of flashbacks is coming. I don’t know how else to describe it. I just feel a little crazy.

God I hate this feeling. I want some stability. I want this month to end. I want out and away from October.

I feel like screaming. I feel sort of insane right now. Sort of like I’m manic. Or having very manic feelings. All crazy and mixed up.

#Socs oct. 13th: precious

Hi everyone

Hope your all good on this fine Saturday!

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is precious. Use it any way you like. Enjoy!

I must say, my little baby nitro is precious to me!
He makes me smile every day. Even on my worst days he makes me smile. I love him sooo much.

He is such a sweet sweet boy. Always ready with a tail wag and a lick for me.

A comforting shake of his paw, a nudge of his wet nose in my arm, a waggly tail that never stops. I love it all.

I love when he comes on my bed at night, and snuggles in close to me. It feels so nice, so comforting, I feel so safe with him there beside me.

Each day I make precious memories with him. Its his birthday later in the month. He’s going to be 8. I dont like that he’s growing older. It makes me nervous so I am going to enjoy the now, enjoy every moment we have together.

Catch ya later peeps!

https://lindaghill.com/2018/10/12/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-oct-13-18/

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My friend came through for me

My friend rose really came through today for me. I know we’ve had our issues lately but she’s been so supportive and helpful during my hard day today. She told me she’d be my sponsor! Ha I had to laugh at that! She told me Rosie says I need R and R rest and relaxation time and to have my breakfast tomorrow morning and then go right back to bed! I probably wont but we’ll see who knows, I may just do it!
I’m so delighted to have such amazing friends. I really appreciate that she has taken time to text with me today. It means so much to me and I am thankful for friends like her.

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Low mood

I am feeling really off today. my moods so low. so i went to mom and dads. i rang mom and i told her i felt off. i asked her if it would be ok if I came over. Of course she said yes that I should come over. So I did. I just feel so down. I’m struggling with memories, and intense emotions. The memories are awful. Its so hard to feel them come up. I had to ring amanda who is my PA and tell her I wouldnt be able to do our hours tomorrow. She was ok with that though. Because I didnt give her enough notice, she will still get payed. You had to give 24 hours notice or more before the PA doesnt get payed. I dont really feel up to doing anything this evening, so I think I’ll just chill out. Read and stuff. Just want to try to get through the rest of tonight. Sarah the CPN rang today also. Dr. barry had spoken to her and she’s going to ring me the weeks that I dont see dr. barry. So I’ll see dr. barry one week and on the alternative week Sarah will phone me. We had a good chat. She’s really nice and very understanding. She said I can do this I can get through the month and I will be ok, I just have to keep reminding myself that this month is half over now and I can make it through it. She is right, I know I can. I just do need to keep saying that to myself and hopefully that will help me get through it.

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LIZ: WORKING HARD IN THERAPY

SO TODAYS SESSION WAS INTENSE. I HAD MOST OF IT. I WORKED WITH THE PULSERS. WE WORKED WITH A MEMORY. IT WAS A MEMORY OF THE FIRST TIME WE WERE ABUSED AT A RITUAL. IT WAS SO SO HARD. I DONT THINK I’VE EVER HAD TO WORK SO HARD AS I DID TODAY. THE IMAGES THAT WERE COMING UP WERE SO AWFUL. SO RAW. I WAS FEELING INTENSE FEELINGS. FEELINGS THAT I HAVE NEVER FELT. EILEEN KEPT ASKING ME WHAT WAS THE PICTURE, WHAT WAS MY BELIEF ABOUT MYSELF BACK THEN, AND WHAT DID I WANT TO HAVE AS A BELIEF NOW. ITS ALL PART OF THE EMDR. PLUS SHE HAD ME IMAGINE I WAS ACTUALLY LOOKING AT THE LIGHTS, EVEN THOUGH I CANT SEE THEM. SHE TOLD ME TO IMAGINE THAT I COULD. IMAGINE MY EYES GOING OVER AND BACK AS IF I WAS LOOKING AT THE LIGHTS ON THE PULSERS WHILE THEY VIBRATED IN MY HANDS. I COULD DO IT BUT BOY WAS IT HARD! SO I GOT IN TOUCH WITH AN 8 YEAR OLD PART. SHE WAS STUCK BACK IN THE PAST, BACK IN THE MEMORY. SHE WAS SO FEARFUL, TRAUMATISED, JUST PANICKING. EILEEN KEPT ASKING ME HOW I FELT TOWARDS HER. AT FIRST I SAID I WASNT SURE. BUT THEN I SAID I FELT PROTECTIVE OF HER. I FELT LIKE I WANTED TO TAKE CARE OF HER AND BRING HER OUT OF THAT PLACE. SO EILEEN SAID WE COULD. SHE SAID IT WAS SAFE FOR HER TO COME OUT OF THERE NOW. IT WAS SAFE FOR HER TO COME WITH ME. SHE ASKED ME WHAT I THOUGHT SHE NEEDED. THAT WAS A HARD QUESTION. I KNEW WHAT I WANTED TO SAY BUT COULDNT FIND WORDS. LUCKILY EILEEN IS VERY GOOD AT HELPING ME TO FIND THE WORDS. SO SHE DID AND I WAS ABLE TO TELL HER THAT I THOUGHT SHE NEEDED REASSURANCE THAT SHE WAS SAFE, THAT IT WAS OVER, THAT ITS IN THE PAST. I TOLD HER I THINK SHE NEEDS TO BE SOMEWHERE SAFE ON THE INSIDE, WHERE SHE CAN REST, STAY WARM, COMFORTABLE, AND RELAX AND BE CALM. EILEEN AGREED THIS WAS ACTUALLY A REALLY GOOD IDEA. SO THEN WE WORKED WITH THE PULSERS. I WAS ABLE TO BRING UP A SAFE PLACE INSIDE AND VISUALISE HER GOING THERE. YEAH…I TOLD YOU WE WORKED HARD. I WAS SO DRAINED AT THE END OF IT! I CAME HOME AND I SLEPT FOR THE AFTERNOON! EILEEN HAD TOLD ME TO REST WHEN I GOT HOME. SO I ATE AND THEN I RESTED. I DREAMED WHEN I WAS SLEEPING, BUT EILEEN HAD SAID I MIGHT. SHE SAID DREAMING IS ALSO PART OF THE EMDR AND THAT IS THE EMDR WORKING, IT IS US PROCESSING THE TRAUMATIC experiences AND THE SESSION. I’M HAPPY WITH HOW IT WENT, THOUGH. REALLY, REALLY HAPPY WITH IT.
LIZ

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2 AM random poem

2 AM
Wide awake
Scared to sleep
Scared of bad dreams
Scared of just everything
Heart pounds
Dont dare make a sound
Fearful of so much
Its so, so tough
Wanting to forget
Fall into a deep sleep
Forget everything
That threatens
Your very existence
As the clock ticks
You just sit
And think
Wonder when will you ever fall asleep…

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