these memories come
leave me numb
gasping for breath
as my heart rate quickens
a childhood stolen
pain and fear
i can hear
as the blood spills
collide and life
is unmanageable for a while
i pull it together
and fight another day
fight for my survival
What is one special memory that you cherish?
For me its anything I’ve done recently with my family!
We do a lot of activities together, and I cherish all of them.
I love spending time with my relatives. They’re all half crazy hahaha but I love them all.
How about you?
hi. my name is taryn. i am 17. i thought i’d write a little bit about my experience today in therapy. liz started the session off, but then i came forward, as eileen wanted to talk to someone in the darks, liz’s system, who was not doing well.
you see things havent been great for any of us lately. we got an email last week, from a past abuser. they really set us off, triggered us. they emailed and basically asked us to meet up with them over the weekend. this past weekend had ritual dates in it. dates which are important when you are a survivor of RA. anyway our abuser wanted to meet us to no doubt hurt us in some way.
we didnt respond to the email. but some of us wanted too. i was one of the insiders here who thought we needed to respond. wendy and me had an argument about it. she told me i shouldnt, but i kept thinking i should. eileen reminded me today that that was a younger part of me wanting to do that. since she’d been told that if she didnt comply she’d be killed or seriously hurt in some way.
eileen asked me if i’d like to work a little bit with my memories today. i said i’d try. so we worked a little with the pulsers. i kept having an image come up. an image of when i was 8 years old. an image of being tied up with rope, and left alone, in the cold and in the dark. that was just a part of the memory. i cant really say any more than that about it since its really upsetting. i dont want to go there not just yet.
eileen was so kind to me today. she was so gentle. she kept telling me that it was back then and not now. she told me about our life now, since i dont come out that often and so i didnt know much about our life now. she told me all the things we’re doing on a daily basis. that was so good to hear. i didnt even know we’re in college now. that sure was news to me.
we talked about the contact, and eileen asked me if i felt powerless. i said i did. i said i felt like no matter what we do, even if we dont contact the abusers, that something bad will happen to us. she said thats a memory. that it more than likely wont. that we have CCTV on our house now, i said i knew that, and that actually that had kinda deterred them, she asked me how long it has been since something physical happened, like since they physically hurt us. its been 3 years. the last time they hurt us they actually hurt emily and taylor. they came to our home and taylor let them in.
eileen reminded me that the only way now that they can hurt us is if someone goes to meet them, or lets them into our home. i told her they dont stick around now when they do come by our house, as they dont want to be caught on CCTV. eileen asked me if we’d ever reported the emails to the police. i said no. we dont trust the police. we’ve had bad experiences with them in the past, so now we dont trust them.
eileen asked me who in the system I trusted. I said liz. then she said liz is the most honest person she’s ever met. she’s real. she says it like it is. she speaks the truth. of course liz was delighted to hear eileen say all those nice things about her. she’s right though. liz is awesome.
so then eileen asked me about the part who is frozen, cuz today we kept having a frozen part coming out. she kept holding our breath, and dissociating, and feeling like she couldnt move, so then none of us could move either.
so she had me make a bedroom for her inside, where she can be until next time, until we can get to do some work with her in session, probably next week. so i made a comfortable room for her to be in, with bean bags, a warm bed, blankets, toys in it etc.
so basically that was my session. the session flew by so fast. it seemed like i was there one minute, and the next minute eileen was saying we were almost finished, and can liz take us home. i was glad to let liz come back out. i feel so tired now. i will probably go back inside for the evening now and rest for the rest of the evening.
Frozen in place
No smile on my face
Flashing back in time
To a memory
31 years ago
But time goes so slow
Cant think or breathe
Don’t want to be me
Don’t want it to be real
I just cant feel
Feels too raw
In a vulnerable space
Trying to remember
The sootheing tone
Of my therapists voice
As she gently guides me
it taylor. i fel sad. i scard. i no like nite time.
my hart is hurtin. is pounding. no like that. fels bad.
i got tok to eileen today. i like tok to her. it good.
we tok bout the growned ups cuz thay werent ther today
i brot us to therpy
but eileen says i shudnt do dat cuz im only six
so she said shed find the growned ups wif me
and she did
i bringed her insid wif me
and we found liz and jade
and dat was gud then cuz i was able to go inside then
to my room and not worry bout them all
eileen said she was sorry i dint getta be a kid
a litle girl like i shoulda been
she said that wasnt fair
i gess it wasnt
tonite i feling sad about remebering things
not like memories
i snuggle nitro
hes fluffy and warm
yay love him lots
Its Clara. I am 15. I wanted to write. I just realised why the kids crying triggers me so much.
I remember when we were at school, at the bording school. We were made to take care of the younger girls. The younger kids. We had to dress them, feed them, wash them…the staff who worked there expected us to do it, they didn’t care that we were also just kids. They just expected us to do their work for them. I don’t know why they had the job of caring for us. They certainly didn’t do it.
I just realised that this is a huge trigger for me. Hearing our littles cry, seeing them sad, and upset, it triggers huge overwhelm in me. I feel helpless. Hopeless, out of control. I feel as if I am literally unable to breathe. Just the sound…god the sound. It makes me feel like running away, far far away.
I emailed Eileen about it. I told her what I remembered. I told her how I felt. I had to tell her. I knew she’d understand. I knew she’d get how I felt.
I’m feeling so unwell tonight. I feel agitated. Very shaky. Very sad and hopeless.
Why did I have to do a job that was not what I should have been doing? Why? Those staff who looked after us, well they didn’t, but they were employed to do that. To look after us. They should have done so. I shouldn’t have had the job of caring for other blind kids. That was not fair on me.
Clara age 15