swimming, but sinking
a puddle on the floor
no will to live
no will to go on
clinging to shreds of hope
that some day
some time in the future
this will all be a distant memory
for so many years
how long will it take
to finally be free
just be able to be me?
will i ever be free
free to be me
free to be a kid
is it possible
these are my thoughts
as i sit here swimming
in pain and terror
i dont feel together
i am falling apart
emotionally i feel like black tar
cant get through it
get to the other side
always having to hide
hide hide hide
oh where can i go
my head pounds
i am afraid to make a sound
afraid of this day
will it ever be over?
ITS LIZ. AND I AM DROWNING. DROWNING IN PAIN, GRIEF, TRAUMATIC MEMORIES, THIS IS SHIT, A SHIT WAY TO FEEL, A SHIT TIME FOR ME. I AM STRUGGLING, REALLY STRUGGLING. I NEED A FRIEND. I NEED AN ALLY. I NEED THE SUPPORT OF OTHERS WHO GET IT. WHO GET ME. WHO KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO FEEL ALONE AND TO FEEL MISUNDERSTOOD. TO FEEL UNHEARD AND UNLOVED. TO FEEL SAD AND DESPERATE AND CLINGY AND IRRITATED BECAUSE YOU FEEL CLINGY AND WHO CRAVE ATTACHMENT TO YOUR SAFE PERSON IN MY CASE THAT IS MY THERAPIST AND PSYCHIATRIST. I CRAVE CARE FROM THEM. I DESPERATELY WANT TO BE NEAR THEM I DESPERATELY CRAVE THEIR LOVE. I KNOW THEY LOVE ME BUT RIGHT NOW IT DOESNT SEEM TO WANT TO SINK IN I CANT FEEL IT IN MY HEART IN MY THOUGHTS IN MY BODY, I GENUINELY CANT FEEL IT.
FUCK, FUCK, THIS IS CRAP.
And I shake
The pain is real
Everythings so surreal
Hands press against my skin
And I begin
To violently shake
Memories threaten to take
Me away from reality
And I cant see
My eyes burn
And my stomach churns
I REMEMBER ALL THE LITTLE PILLS BEING IN MY HANDS. AROUND 20 OR 30 OF THEM. AS I SWALLOWED THEY GOT STUCK IN MY THROAT.
I KEPT SWALLOWING DESPITE THE NEED TO JUST VOMIT. I HAD TO GET ALL OF THEM DOWN. MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.
I WAS GOING TO DIE THAT NIGHT NO MATTER WHAT IT TOOK. I HAD MADE UP MY MIND. THIS WAS GOING TO BE THE END FOR ME
I FELL INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS AND SOME TIME LATER I AWOKE TO HEAR A FEMALE VOICE. ASKING ME LOTS OF QUESTIONS. EVERYTHING FELT SO FUZZY. BUT I REMEMBER HER CLEARLY SAYING, WHERE IS THE BABY? WHAT BABY? I TRIED TO TELL HER I DID NOT HAVE KIDS. SHE WOULDNT BELIEVE ME. SHE WOULDNT LISTEN. THE BABY? WHERE IS THE BABY?
THE MAN WHO WAS WITH HER TRIED TO GET ME TO TALK ALSO BUT I COULDNT, I JUST WANTED TO CLOSE MY EYES FOREVER. OPEN YOUR EYES, STAY AWAKE, WE’RE GOING TO GET YOU TO THE HOSPITAL SOON.
I PROTESTED, NO, I DONT WANT TO, LEAVE ME HERE, I’LL BE DEAD SOON…BUT NOBODY WAS LISTENING TO ME.
THEY DID GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL THAT NIGHT. I DID LIVE. AND I LATER FOUND OUT THE REASON WHY THEY THOUGHT I HAD A BABY? THEY CAME INTO MY HOUSE, LOOKED AROUND AT ALL THE TOYS, LOOKED AT ME, AND THOUGHT THIS IS WEIRD, THERE MUST BE KIDS LIVING HERE.
THATS ONE TIME WHEN I WISHED I DIDNT HAVE DID. BECAUSE TRYING TO CONVINCE THEM THAT ONLY ME A GROWN ADULT WAS LIVING HERE WAS A COMPLETE NIGHTMARE.
so in case you wondered about who wrote the post earlier where we wanted to cut? it was liz. some of you who know us well might have know it was her. she forgot to sign her name at the end though. but she did write in all caps which is her style of writing so people may have guessed who wrote it.
we all tried to help her well ok not all but some of us did some of the teen insiders did. me, amy, alexa, Tristan, asher, cora, wendy, willow, ro, jade, etc.
she listened to music and read a book. we also made some tea and watched a little tv with surprise of surprises our dad. he was in a chatty mood which was nice. we watched the six o’clock news, that was kind of depressing but we do like to know what is going on in the world.
this weekend is going to be very low key. I intend on finishing a Maggie Hartley book that I’ve been reading called who will love me now. I also intend on catching up on some shows I like on tv, doing something creative, maybe going to visit my friend if I feel up to it.
Anyone got a good idea for a creative craft?
Do any of my readers do art? If you do what kind do you like to do?
What tv shows do you like to watch on tv?
The shows I am watching are shows that I will need to watch during the day because they relate to crime and so I cant watch them by night.
What is the weather like this weekend in your part of the world?
Its actually sunny here today rare for September. Its about 16 degrees c not sure what that is in degrees f.