Insomnia strikes

I am up and I am super anxious.
God I hate anxiety!
I actually went to bed early last night. I was feeling really edgy and I just felt bad so I took myself off to bed at 8:30.
I slept a little but I kept waking with nightmares. I kept trying to get back to sleep but eventually at 2 AM I gave up and I got back up again.
Now I’m just feeling so blah. Its just the pits, the anxiety is making me crazy. I could try a fenergan to try to make me go back to sleep but I have things to do today and I’d be very groggy from it so I refuse to take it. If I didnt have stuff to do I probably would but I cant because I have work later on this morning and I need to be able to function for that.
Maybe I’ll go get in the shower, the shower seems to soothe me.
Even nitro is fast asleep. I think he’s saying to me, mom, what are you doing up? Go back to bed and go back to sleep, he’s protesting hahaha.
I doubt I will go back to bed. I think I’ll start a new book. I finished the latest cathy glass one. It was so good. I love her books. Now I am going to start reading the hannah swensen series by Joanne fluke. I’ve never tried a murder mystery before but apparently these are really good. I hope I can get into them because there is about 26 books in the series so far so if I can it will be nice.

How our Monday went

Well, we managed to go to therapy. And it drained us.

We were using the pulsers, and doing EMDR. That was helpful but it always leaves us exhausted.

So my plan was that after we got home, I’d eat and then go to bed. And thats what I did.

I was meant to have a mobility lesson in using my white cane, but the weather was too bad so my instructor canceled it until next week. That suited me fine as it meant I was able to go to bed.

And so, I’ve been sleeping on and off all afternoon, I did get up for about an hour but I went back to bed watching some tv, and fell asleep again.

Now its 11 PM and I am awake and will probably be awake all night. I know my sleep patterns all messed up but for now I’m ok with that.

I actually feel safer being awake at night anyway. For some reason I feel safer knowing I am up and keeping an eye on things.

I’ve taken our night meds, we’re still doing really well with our meds, not missing any doses of them. Its the one thing I am proud of lately.

Well, I should go make some tea. My mouth is so dry. I think my meds are making it really dry. Its like sand paper.

Friday update

Fridays been busy for me. This morning my pa came. We just did some housework. I had been up in the middle of the night, at around 4 AM, I stayed up for a few hours, then before 7 AM I went back to bed, until 8:30. I stayed in my Pjammas for a little while after my PA got here. Then I showered and got ready to go to my parents for the weekend. While my PA cleaned the house, I got on the treadmill. I did 1 mile. I enjoyed the exercise, its really making me feel so much better. It boosts my mood which is always a positive. We got a taxi to my parents house, and my PA was going on to another job. I had lunch at my parents, and then I went to work in the afternoon, I worked for about 2 hours. All of the clients I spoke to today were in good spirits. I enjoyed my shift. Someone had made a baileys cheese cake for the office so I had a little slice of it. It was sooo good! When I got dropped back to my parents we had dinner, mom made spaghetti bolognes, which was delicious. I haven’t done very much since dinner time. I read for an hour, then I went to bed for 2 hours. I slept too because I was feeling super tired, I’ve still been remembering my meds each day, I am sooo proud of that fact. I haent missed any doses at all! After waking up from my nap I’ve just been online, and drinking coffee, I’m about to go switch off my laptop soon and start reading again before going back to bed. Tomorrow we’re supposed to get a bad storm, with high winds and heavy rain. Sunday is also meant to be stormy. Then Monday and Tuesday we’re meant to have minus 7 C and a wind chill. So I think its going to be icy and cold! I have no plans this weekend, other than on sunday if my sister will take me to the grocery store as I need to pick up a few things for during the week. I’m sure she’ll take me. I hope you’ve all had a good Friday!

Mentally feeling very unwell

I feel very mentally unstable. I’m very dissociative, depressed and anxious.

I’ve slept a lot this afternoon, for a few hours, despite thinking I would be able to stay awake. I just didnt have the energy or motivation to stay awake.

At least I’m remembering to take my meds, which is a positive I guess.

I hung out with my mom and dad for a while this evening, watching the TV. That seemed to help a little bit. It got me out of my head, and stopped the negative thoughts I was having.

Now me and Nitro are in the bedroom, and mom and dad will be going to bed soon, but I’ll probably be awake for the majority of the night. Even with meds on bord, I doubt I’ll sleep. I’m too wired, too wound up to sleep. My head feels full. I’m actually feeling very emotional right now, as well as very dissociative.

Yeah, I guess its just another day in the life of someone living with mental anguish, sucks to be me.

I can feel the anxiety building

i’m super anxious. i can feel it building. its building up slowly. i am trying to distract. i’ve just taken my night meds, so I hope that might help. there is a clonadine in there, which is supposed to help with the anxious feelings. i took the meds early, because I thought I would sleep. I am very tired. But now I am too wound up to sleep. I feel too wired. So I doubt I will get much sleep. I could take some fenergan to help me sleep, but the down side to that is it makes me very very groggy. and i hate the grogginess. so i dont want to chance it. if i dont sleep tonight, i’ll probably give in and take it tomorrow night. i hate feeling so out of it though. its a horrible feeling to feel like you cant function. it even makes me slur my speech which i hate. so i’ll persevere and hope i get even a little sleep. some is better than none, right? i just had to let nitro outside, my friend sarah told me to breathe in the fresh air, so when I let nitro out, I stood outside and I breathed in the fresh night air which was very cool. It felt good. It was nice. And it did calm me a little. Although I was scared to be outside with nitro. I was in my front garden, but right now its only 8:20 PM here.
I just hope I’m not in for a hard night, I think its wishful thinking on my part though. My hunch is I am definitely in for a night of mental distress. Ug sigh.

An update for Friday

Happy Friday everyone! I hope you all have a good day ahead! Or if its night or evening for you now, I hope your fridays been awesome!

I didnt get much sleep last night, I slept in the afternoon, woke up around 5 PM, stayed up until 7:30 but then got super tired, went to bed and got up again around 9:30, but couldnt stay up, so just took my meds, and went back to bed until 11:30.

Happy to say taking the meds is working out really well, we havent missed any doses! I am so proud of us! We’re really working so hard on remembering them!

My PA Frances is coming at 9 AM, and I have to go grocery shopping, the plan is to walk the 25 minute walk to the grocery store. I need the exercise, it will help with my weight loss. Plus the weather is dry, and walking will be nice, I need the fresh air.

After we get back and put the food away, she’ll clean the house. hen in the afternoon I have work. Its my first day back after a few weeks off. I am excited to go back and I hope I’ll have a good shift.

I’m not going to my parents house this weekend. I’ve decided to stay home with Nitro. My friend might come over on Saturday, but if she doesnt, thats fine. The nurses from the weekend team will visit me also. I will just chill out and relax with my book and the TV.

I did decide to go to my parents house for dinner on sunday though. I’ll just go for a few hours, and come back home again.

Just 2 hours

thats how much sleep I’ve gotten. I was watching tv earlier, and I fell asleep while my show was on, so I missed the whole show. But when it ended, I woke up. I stayed up for another hour, and at midnight I went to bed, but now I am up again and its only 3:15, I woke up at 2:30.

I’m frustrated. I really wanted to sleep longer than this. But what can you do? Sleep just isnt coming.

I do have to say though how proud I am because I have been consistently taking our meds. I’ve taken them now for four days straight, and I havent missed a dose at all. Hoping that this will turn into a new trend, and the days of forgetting to take them are finally behind me.